Common expenses while dating

[No_Go]

I have had reimbursed him many times in the past when we were living separately (in his defense, he'd always pick me up and bring me home, so it was a lot of driving).

 

Now I use his car only if we're going to a place where he wants to. For my own errands, I just walk/Uber because I feel better this way.

 

If you want to buy a house, buy a house but unless you have a business arrangement drawn up that specifies how you get out of the ownership, do not buy a house with a man you are not married to, especially if you are already freaking about how the groceries are split.

 

Since he drives & you don't, do you reimburse him for gas? If not, hush about the cosmetics.

[basil67]

Did you have similar salaries and expenses?

 

I feel like that I'd never going to join accounts completely with a partner, because I want to control myself my own personal expenses...

 

No, he earned 3x what I did.

[RecentChange]

Not only gas - but all of the expenses of ownng a car. Should he be logging the time he drives for your benefit, then applying that ratio to his car insurance / gas expenses etc - then hand you a bill?

 

I just couldn't live like this - but I also couldn't live with someone I didn't totally trust, or want to share all fasets of my life with. Mi casa su casa..

[Emilia]

I'd like to help more with the housework but he has more time because half of the week he works from home, and I have to travel 3 h every day to get to and back from my office.

 

I'm sure if he buys a house and I don't pay rent he'll kick me out as well. He kicked out his former friend/housemate because he stopped paying his rent share for a month or two.

 

Are you seriously unable to see the difference between setting up a home as a couple and casual house sharing with a mate?

 

How about thanking his efforts by taking him out for a meal? Or by paying for his razor? With female equality comes responsibility as well.

[No_Go]

I want to buy together but I don't want to force him into it, let alone marriage (I'd never ever suggest marriage - IMO this is a man's job, for anything else, I'm willing to lead, but dating/engagement/marriage suggestion/proposal - heck no!)

 

 

Because it's an investment and you get a property out of it. He would get nothing. What's his gain?

 

Taking out your past problems on this guy is incredibly unfair.

[Emilia]

I want to buy together but I don't want to force him into it, let alone marriage (I'd never ever suggest marriage - IMO this is a man's job, for anything else, I'm willing to lead, but dating/engagement/marriage suggestion/proposal - heck no!)

 

I think some fundamental issues aren't addressed in your relationship and I'm not convinced you are emotionally mature enough for commitment.

[clia]

IDK, could be that he 'charged' me with 1/2 of the bill containing mainly his personal cosmetics/shaving supplies etc because he bought a couple of dinners out? But I assumed he's considering these as dates... It gets really petty from him if that's the case...

 

I think the concept of "paying for a date" kind of goes out the window once you are living together. (Unless, of course it's a birthday dinner or special event where one party is treating or something like that.).

 

We use an app to track all joint expenses and who paid for what during the month and then at the end of the month we throw it into a spreadsheet and make sure it is a 50/50 split.

[d0nnivain]

We use an app to track all joint expenses and who paid for what during the month and then at the end of the month we throw it into a spreadsheet and make sure it is a 50/50 split.

 

I'm glad that works for you but to me it reads like sucking all the romance out of the relationship.

[No_Go]

I'll seriously LOVE doing that. I don't think he'l be comfortable with an app tracking from what we've discussed.

 

I think the concept of "paying for a date" kind of goes out the window once you are living together. (Unless, of course it's a birthday dinner or special event where one party is treating or something like that.).

 

We use an app to track all joint expenses and who paid for what during the month and then at the end of the month we throw it into a spreadsheet and make sure it is a 50/50 split.

[No_Go]

Could you be specific please?

 

I think some fundamental issues aren't addressed in your relationship and I'm not convinced you are emotionally mature enough for commitment.

[No_Go]

Just to clarify - I've done that NUMEROUS times (buying him a meal, buying small things etc). I just don't like when he sticks it into 'common expenses category' secretly.

 

Are you seriously unable to see the difference between setting up a home as a couple and casual house sharing with a mate?

 

How about thanking his efforts by taking him out for a meal? Or by paying for his razor? With female equality comes responsibility as well.

[No_Go]

Agreed, I just didn't have time to process it before we met (I managed to get rid of my parasitic ex just 1.5 month before meeting my current BF.

 

The extreme fear of my manipulative ex returning draw me into a serious relationship before I was ready...

 

...And my fear HAS BEEN justified - my ex recently attempted contacting me again, I didn't bother responding (even reading his e-mail) because I feel safe with my BF, otherwise I don't know what would this lead to...

 

Taking out your past problems on this guy is incredibly unfair.

[Dolfin80]

Are you seriously unable to see the difference between setting up a home as a couple and casual house sharing with a mate?

 

How about thanking his efforts by taking him out for a meal? Or by paying for his razor? With female equality comes responsibility as well.

 

Female equality are u for real, she doesnt even get to pick the food!

[Dolfin80]

I think its cuel he chooses all the groceries then hits you with a bill.

 

This is supposed to be a mutual decision, you choose what food u eat together via consultation.

 

Does he dominate you in other ways too?

 

If he is 10years older than you he should already have his own assets (house), its worrisome that he doesnt.

[clia]

I'm glad that works for you but to me it reads like sucking all the romance out of the relationship.

 

Why?

 

What does that have to do with romance?

 

How do you and your husband track your expenses and budget? For us, the app makes it super easy to track what we spend.

Edited April 2, 2016 by clia

[Els]

The thing is he is doing ALL the shopping, cooking etc because I don't drive

 

---

 

I'd like to help more with the housework but he has more time because half of the week he works from home, and I have to travel 3 h every day to get to and back from my office.

 

I don't think this is very fair of you. You're nickel-and-dime-ing him on the shared bills, but then you brush off household chore division by saying 'he has more time'. Okay, so he helps you out with chores because he has more time, surely you can let his razors on your shared grocery bills slide?

 

If you are expecting 50.0000/50.0000 shared expenditure then you should be prepared to do 50.0000/50.0000 household chores regardless of personal situation as well. Granted such a R would be pretty terrible IMO, I could never be with such a calculative person, but given that you're already expecting half of the equation you should at least be willing to satisfy the other half.

 

The issue isn't with cohabitating, the issue is with your expectations in a relationship. Lots of people cohabitate fine, regardless of marital status, without such drama, because they are less calculative and more communicative.

Edited April 2, 2016 by Elswyth

[Mind-Chants]

We have an arrangement based on money contribution for common expense and time contribution to manage home affairs.

She takes care of her own expense, her student loan (She has got big loan to repay) and few misc small expenditures. I mostly contribute for the rest (major ones) in return she shoulders most of the household responsibilities. Also we share few responsibilities together and do them together.

 

Regarding money arrangement: I have significant income plus I don't have any kind of monetary obligation (loans or mortgages), so I am able to chip in major share in common expense. We both believe in savings, so we first put money to individual savings account and then manage our expenditure.

 

Responsibilities: She manages meals and all service calls. But we do grocery shopping together and rest based on convenience.

[Els]

We have an arrangement based on money contribution for common expense and time contribution to manage home affairs.

She takes care of her own expense, her student loan (She has got big loan to repay) and few misc small expenditures. I mostly contribute for the rest (major ones) in return she shoulders most of the household responsibilities. Also we share few responsibilities together and do them together.

 

Regarding money arrangement: I have significant income plus I don't have any kind of monetary obligation (loans or mortgages), so I am able to chip in major share in common expense. We both believe in savings, so we first put money to individual savings account and then manage our expenditure.

 

Responsibilities: She manages meals and all service calls. But we do grocery shopping together and rest based on convenience.

 

This is pretty much what we do too, as he earns more but also works longer hours. Works fine most of the time. It also fluctuates based on current circumstances - if I'm sick or have an exam/deadline he picks up the slack on the housework, and sometimes I buy groceries/household items or personal stuff for him.

[d0nnivain]

Why?

 

What does that have to do with romance?

 

How do you and your husband track your expenses and budget? For us, the app makes it super easy to track what we spend.

 

 

To keep track of every penny would make me crazy. I have always believed that it will all work itself out. If I pay now, you will pay for something later. I don't want to have my interpersonal relationships devolved to a balance sheet that says I paid for 2 coffees at $5.99, you own me $47.69 for groceries but you picked up the dry cleaning which cost $100 so I owe you for that plus $0.57 per mile (the 2015 IRS #) for driving there. Plus I'm not going to keep track of whose turn it is to do some household chore. Since those chores have value in that you aren't paying somebody else to do them & you are taking your time, to be truly equitable, they would have to assigned a dollar value & placed in the mix.

 

 

Are you my SO or my accountant? Yuck.

 

 

DH & have a system that works for us. It's very unusual due to the nature of our respective jobs. He has a regular, steady job. I am self employed & some times only get paid 1x per year but when I get paid, it's more than his yearly salary. But the year before that I only earned $900 for the whole year. His paycheck goes into the household account, which I do not contribute to often. Out of that account we pay the mortgage, the utilities, the groceries & the every day costs of living etc. When I have money, we set a chunk aside for retirement & then I pay for extravagant things. In the past 6 months alone I paid for a kitchen remodel; plane tickets for his entire family to come here; 2 vacations; and a beach house we're buying at the end of the month. Somehow I think those more then make up for the fact that he pays for all the groceries & puts gas in my car. I also very much appreciate the fact that his steady pay check and the health insurance provided to me by his employer takes the pressure off my unstable income. Before he got this job, he was in sales & his income was more unstable & far less then mine so there were no extravagances; we budgeted from the money I put aside for living and never touched our 1 year e-fund.

 

 

My attitude toward money is more lax than many people's. I have always thought "It's only money; we'll make more." While I have been with people who are more precise, if they want to micro manage & do the spread sheet thing, there were welcome to. I'd review it & contribute if asked but other than perhaps handing the other person a handful of crumpled up receipts I wasn't on board with keeping track of every penny.

 

 

Financial issues do cause fights & resentment. They can only be avoided through communication & transparency. To me the ability to lay your bank account bare is a true test of trust & intimacy.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

The issue isn't with cohabitating, the issue is with your expectations in a relationship. Lots of people cohabitate fine, regardless of marital status, without such drama, because they are less calculative and more communicative.

 

And they're also more accepting of the inevitable inequalities, both big and small.

 

OP, the issue isn't that you have wrong negotiated deal with your BF. It's that, based on what you've written, you have the wrong BF. With your respective approaches, none of problems you've described will be addressed by purchasing a home, etc...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katiegrl]

NG, you have been having issues with your bf for a long time.... specifically your feeling he is not ambitious or responsible enough, lack of motivation to move up in his job, etc etc etc.

 

And now this.

 

Why do you stay?

 

Clearly, you have different goals, different values and are not compatible.

 

So why stay?

 

Just curious.

[BettyDraper]

The question is for cohabitating UNmarried couples: how do you deal with common expenses (rent, food, utilities etc)? Do you calculate proportional to usage?

 

We used to split 50/50, however, I start getting very resentful since I noticed he's putting personal items (cosmetics etc) on our shared bills. I've NEVER done so. Not a huge amount but it adds up. Also he eats home from the 'common' supplies for lunch, while I'm paying food out everyday.

 

Also, things like cable etc - shall they be paid by the person who decided to get them? I was splitting 50/50 again but I NEVER watch tv on my own, just when he's there as a couple's activity because that's what he likes.

 

I feel like he'll suck me dry long term if I let small things like this accumulate, but on the other side - it looks petty to start the conversation (I did recently, but I was very angry, so I regret it)

 

Whomever makes more money should pay for more expenses.

 

It's only fair. Splitting everything 50/50 seems more like a roommate situation.

 

My husband has always paid for 98% of our expenses. He's old fashioned so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it.

[BettyDraper]

NG, you have been having issues with your bf for a long time.... specifically your feeling he is not ambitious or responsible enough, lack of motivation to move up in his job, etc etc etc.

 

And now this.

 

Why do you stay?

 

Clearly, you have different goals, different values and are not compatible.

 

So why stay?

 

Just curious.

 

Great question!

[basil67]

I think its cuel he chooses all the groceries then hits you with a bill.

 

This is supposed to be a mutual decision, you choose what food u eat together via consultation.

 

Did I miss something? Does he refuse to buy the items she writes on the shopping list?

[Dolfin80]

To keep track of every penny would make me crazy. I have always believed that it will all work itself out. If I pay now, you will pay for something later. I don't want to have my interpersonal relationships devolved to a balance sheet that says I paid for 2 coffees at $5.99, you own me $47.69 for groceries but you picked up the dry cleaning which cost $100 so I owe you for that plus $0.57 per mile (the 2015 IRS #) for driving there. Plus I'm not going to keep track of whose turn it is to do some household chore. Since those chores have value in that you aren't paying somebody else to do them & you are taking your time, to be truly equitable, they would have to assigned a dollar value & placed in the mix.

 

 

Are you my SO or my accountant? Yuck.

 

 

DH & have a system that works for us. It's very unusual due to the nature of our respective jobs. He has a regular, steady job. I am self employed & some times only get paid 1x per year but when I get paid, it's more than his yearly salary. But the year before that I only earned $900 for the whole year. His paycheck goes into the household account, which I do not contribute to often. Out of that account we pay the mortgage, the utilities, the groceries & the every day costs of living etc. When I have money, we set a chunk aside for retirement & then I pay for extravagant things. In the past 6 months alone I paid for a kitchen remodel; plane tickets for his entire family to come here; 2 vacations; and a beach house we're buying at the end of the month. Somehow I think those more then make up for the fact that he pays for all the groceries & puts gas in my car. I also very much appreciate the fact that his steady pay check and the health insurance provided to me by his employer takes the pressure off my unstable income. Before he got this job, he was in sales & his income was more unstable & far less then mine so there were no extravagances; we budgeted from the money I put aside for living and never touched our 1 year e-fund.

 

 

My attitude toward money is more lax than many people's. I have always thought "It's only money; we'll make more." While I have been with people who are more precise, if they want to micro manage & do the spread sheet thing, there were welcome to. I'd review it & contribute if asked but other than perhaps handing the other person a handful of crumpled up receipts I wasn't on board with keeping track of every penny.

 

 

Financial issues do cause fights & resentment. They can only be avoided through communication & transparency. To me the ability to lay your bank account bare is a true test of trust & intimacy.

 

 

This isn't how most couples live, a lot of men wouldn't allow a women to live off him one year then she pays for assets the next. A lot of men would simply give you the boot if you only earned $900 a year as that's less than a welfare payment. Of course you guys can't manage your money 50/50 cause your not on a salary.

 

The OP and the lady that uses an app lives a totally different financial life to you. So you can't even compare these financial lifestyles. Your comparing apples with oranges. You have a very privaliged lifestyle, not all partners allow this.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Dolfin80