Common expenses while dating

[Dolfin80]

Did I miss something? Does he refuse to buy the items she writes on the shopping list?

 

There is no shopping list he goes to the shops buys all his stuff then asks her for 50/50 even why she doesn't use the stuff. Completely unfair.

[Dolfin80]

Whomever makes more money should pay for more expenses.

 

It's only fair. Splitting everything 50/50 seems more like a roommate situation.

 

My husband has always paid for 98% of our expenses. He's old fashioned so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it.

 

relationships are very different now. Men don't allow this anymore esp since women joined the workforce.

 

It would be impossible in 2016 to find a man that pays for 98% today. 50/50 is definately not a roommate situation, it's modern relationships since women get paid full time salaries hence feel that it's only fair to contribute 50%.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Dolfin80

[Els]

There is no shopping list he goes to the shops buys all his stuff then asks her for 50/50 even why she doesn't use the stuff. Completely unfair.

 

How do you even know the groceries are ALL his? She said he put 'a few items' on the list that were his. Not the same thing.

 

It would be impossible in 2016 to find a man that pays for 98% today

 

Some do still pay the majority of shared expenses, but that's not really relevant to the OP's situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

This isn't how most couples live, a lot of men wouldn't allow a women to live off him one year then she pays for assets the next. A lot of men would simply give you the boot if you only earned $900 a year as that's less than a welfare payment.

 

Don't think this is the case. What about SAHM's? Many spouses earn less than their partners and yet aren't penalized economically. If you really are a couple, it's "our" money...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dolfin80]

Don't think this is the case. What about SAHM's? Many spouses earn less than their partners and yet aren't penalized economically. If you really are a couple, it's "our" money...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

OP says they have no children, so SAHM doesn't apply. In this day and age men don't date women who don't work as they don't want to be used for money.

 

Ask any young man in the dating game if they pay for everything.

 

You maybe living in a country where women don't participate in the workforce. I don't know where you live.

[Dolfin80]

How do you even know the groceries are ALL his? She said he put 'a few items' on the list that were his. Not the same thing.

.

 

She told us in her posts that she doesn't get to choose the groceries he just buys them then hits her with the bill.

 

This isn't right ok, she has the right to choose the food as well.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Dolfin80

[Els]

She told us go back and read her posts. She doesn't choose groceries he does.

 

You said "buys all his stuff then asks her for 50/50 even why she doesn't use the stuff". This means that (1) he only buys his stuff and (2) she doesn't use any of the groceries she's paying for. If you think that's what she said, please quote the post.

[Dolfin80]

You said "buys all his stuff then asks her for 50/50 even why she doesn't use the stuff". This means that (1) he only buys his stuff and (2) she doesn't use any of the groceries she's paying for. If you think that's what she said, please quote the post.

 

No he chooses what they both eat then hits her up for half even though she didn't want it in the first place but is stuck eating it. He chooses the groceries, she has no control. There is no mutual agreement over the purchase of the groceries.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP says they have no children, so SAHM doesn't apply. In this day and age men don't date women who don't work as they don't want to be used for money.

 

Ask any young man in the dating game if they pay for everything.

 

You maybe living in a country where women don't participate in the workforce. I don't know where you live.

 

I'm in the US.

 

The OP isn't in the "dating game", they're a cohabiting couple. And that's my point - there's a difference. Many couples are economically mismatched in that one out earns the other and yet they're usually treated as financial equals. I'd hate to tell my wife, retired a couple of years ago, "no soup for you !"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Els]

No he chooses what they both eat then hits her up for half even though she didn't want it in the first place but is stuck eating it. He chooses the groceries, she has no control. There is no mutual agreement over the purchase of the groceries.

 

If this is a big issue I would suggest that the OP and her bf have a shopping list where she can write what she wants on it. Otherwise, go shopping together instead of leaving all of it to him.

[Dolfin80]

I'm in the US.

 

The OP isn't in the "dating game", they're a cohabiting couple. And that's my point - there's a difference. Many couples are economically mismatched in that one out earns the other and yet they're usually treated as financial equals. I'd hate to tell my wife, retired a couple of years ago, "no soup for you !"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's actually both, you don't even get to the co-habitation stage if you don't pull your weight whilst dating. im saying couples do a 50/50 split on shared expenses, gen y couples. Older couples seem to not care about finances as much cause they only needed one income to pay off a house. Now mortgages are 8 times the household income they need 2 incomes to survive. Very different now to pre 2000s rents/mortgages. 2 full time incomes are required to live in any large city.

 

They are called dinks = double income no kids.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Dolfin80

[Emilia]

No he chooses what they both eat then hits her up for half even though she didn't want it in the first place but is stuck eating it. He chooses the groceries, she has no control. There is no mutual agreement over the purchase of the groceries.

 

That's because she doesn't choose to have a weekly shop during the weekend together, it's comfortable for her to let him do all the work. You can only criticise if you participate.

 

Since he cooks, he has the right to pick the groceries anyway. She would need to do a lot more around the house before it started being fair.

[Emilia]

If this is a big issue I would suggest that the OP and her bf have a shopping list where she can write what she wants on it. Otherwise, go shopping together instead of leaving all of it to him.

 

I suggested similar but there was no response, I don't believe this thread is about looking for solutions, several were mentioned and in turn ignored.

[Dolfin80]

That's because she doesn't choose to have a weekly shop during the weekend together, it's comfortable for her to let him do all the work. You can only criticise if you participate.

 

Since he cooks, he has the right to pick the groceries anyway. She would need to do a lot more around the house before it started being fair.

 

Yes everything needs to be fair and 50/50 otherwise resentment will seep in.

 

I did a split with rent and housework for 6 months with a boyfriend once.

 

I did all the washing, cooking, cleaning and mowing in exchange for 6 months free rent, we both gave up at the 6 month mark as it was too much of a financial strain on him and I was buggered from cleaning and mowing every weekend. We then went 50/50 in housework and rent.

[Mr. Lucky]

I suggested similar but there was no response, I don't believe this thread is about looking for solutions, several were mentioned and in turn ignored.

 

Bingo. The OP sees her BF as inconsiderate, lazy and unmotivated. Not sure why she's made this a financial issue...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mind-Chants]

Yes everything needs to be fair and 50/50 otherwise resentment will seep in.

 

I did a split with rent and housework for 6 months with a boyfriend once.

 

I did all the washing, cooking, cleaning and mowing in exchange for 6 months free rent, we both gave up at the 6 month mark as it was too much of a financial strain on him and I was buggered from cleaning and mowing every weekend. We then went 50/50 in housework and rent.

 

Looks like a fair arrangement. In my case, my GF is doing fellowship after medical school. She has got huge student loans to repay. So I contribute significant portion but she handles most of household responsibilities. BUT I of the opinion that time contribution significantly outweighs financial contribution. She could repay me back her share in future to make it a 50/50 deal but I can't ever repay her the time she is spending managing affairs regardless how much I spend. So 50-50 arrangement without equal share in responsibilities (OP case) is quite unfair.

[lucy_in_disguise]

In the long run I think it would be unusual for a relationship to be exactly 5050 on everyhing. One partner may have more time while the other earns more money. Someone can be better at cooking while the other enjoys managing bills. It may not be practical or efficent to split up all chores and expenses down the middle. I mean, one of the best parts abot being with someone is finding ways in which they complement you, helping you be stronger together as a team than by yourselves. The important thing is that both parties feel like the other is pulling his weight, value the contributions of the other, and feel like they are working toward the same goals.

 

Reading the OPs posts, the biggest red flag to me is the apparent disconnect between her emotional commitment to the relationship, and her expectations. On the one hand, she is cohabiting with him with the intent of buying a house together in a year. On the other hand, she cinsiders her financial goals separate from his and makes it clear she will proceed on her own if hes not ready. She also does not want to communicate her issues/ houghts, expecting him to perform according to her expectations regardless. This bifurcated approach seems like it would be destined to fail. IMO, either you are committed to a future with someone, or youre not.

 

Re: whether their arrangement is fair- based on her description, it seems pretty fair to me. Her bf does all the shopping, driving and cooking. They split the bills in half. It seems petty to take iasue with the fact that he is consuming a little bit more, especially when he seems to contribute more of his time.

 

From her tone, it does not seem like she loves or respects this guy very much. It seems like she is evaluating him solely from the perspective of whether or not he will help her realize her financial goals. Not saying thats not an important factor, but normally couples want to be together first, and then try to figure out how to accomplish those goals together after.

[S2B]

Since he isn't a willing type to offer paying more - or even consider that you may pay more = then do not buy a house with him!

 

Some people are just cheap. He seems to want to spend his money for fun things - what happens when your future house needs a roof or big expense repair? He likely won't pay half! Yet he gets half equity in the home.

 

Keep big assets separate. But a house in your name only. He can pay rent and utilities.

 

If he chooses to move at any point you can replace his money with a room mate.

 

Be smart. Do not rely on him for equal or fair money when he's proven that is not what he intends.

[Dolfin80]

Looks like a fair arrangement. In my case, my GF is doing fellowship after medical school. She has got huge student loans to repay. So I contribute significant portion but she handles most of household responsibilities. BUT I of the opinion that time contribution significantly outweighs financial contribution. She could repay me back her share in future to make it a 50/50 deal but I can't ever repay her the time she is spending managing affairs regardless how much I spend. So 50-50 arrangement without equal share in responsibilities (OP case) is quite unfair.

 

Your one in a million then! I live in a country where our gov pays for our education so no such thing as student loans hence partners don't pay for this.

 

So if you are like this then why is the OPs spouse not going to contribute to buying the house. He is 10 years older than her, so why does t he have any deposit money? If you can help out with your partners loan then why can't he help with buying the house?

 

I think the OP would be better off being with someone like you, so she doesn't feel so used and resentful.

 

I think there's a lot of cultural differences here. For example you guys here say that men earn more then women. This isn't true in my country, we are on the same salaries, so there isn't a pay gap. We have award wage and pay bands. We have 4 months paid maternity leave and 1 month paid paternity leave, so families can bond with the newborn. We don't have alimony as women's income are identical to men's.

 

I had a college work in the US for awhile and he couldn't believe how women got treated in terms of equality, he said it was like the 1970s.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Dolfin80

[MidwestUSA]

Wow, after reading, I have to say this sounds more like a business arrangement than a relationship.

 

As for how H and I manage, we're on the same page about nearly everything, and use the same groceries, toiletries, etc. I do own the house, and have for some time. I don't charge him rent; he more than makes up for it in other ways. I'll leave it to him if I die.

 

Big expenditures (and pet adoptions!) are discussed, but that's about it.

 

I don't see anything that reeks of love here. At all. Sad.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I would not be concerned for that - as said he is an opportunist regarding small expenses (dinners, personal items) but I 100% trust he won't steal from me.

 

I just think you have two completely different styles with money and you are completely incompatible because of it.

 

I can't even imagine noticing if I paid or my guy paid for a dinner, frankly, and if the food is running low in the fridge either he or I will go shopping and buy more, we don't even pay attention to who ate how much of what AT ALL. Your guy is probably more like that.

 

You also talk a lot about "correcting" him and giving him a "trial period." I can't imagine who would be good with being on the receiving end of that!

 

I'm not trying to pick on you even though I can't relate to your style of having a relationship. You are not with a guy who sees things the way you do, though, that's obvious. And you don't seem even close to being in a "partnership" kind of state of mind at this time. Why not be single?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Female equality are u for real, she doesnt even get to pick the food!

What do you mean "she doesn't GET to pick the food"? :lmao: He does all the grocery shopping and cooking for her! If she wanted to take over those jobs so she could pick the food and prevent him from making an extra sandwich or buying shampoo without putting it on a separate tab, she needs to do step up.

[Rejected Rosebud]

relationships are very different now. Men don't allow this anymore esp since women joined the workforce.

 

Um ... the poster you were replying to IS actually in a relationship now. Since women joined the workforce and all that.

[Els]

 

Re: whether their arrangement is fair- based on her description, it seems pretty fair to me. Her bf does all the shopping, driving and cooking. They split the bills in half.

 

I very much agree with the rest of your post, but I disagree with this part. To me, her relationship sounds pretty skewed in her favour - they split bills 50/50 and yet he appears to be doing the vast majority of the housework (unless she does all the cleaning etc and just didn't mention it, which I doubt).

 

This might not necessarily be a problem if her bf insists on helping her and she was appreciative of it... but she's not even appreciative. In fact, she's still complaining about him, as she has in all her previous threads where this discrepancy was pointed out to her.

 

Frankly I hope her bf eventually realizes the extent to which he's being taken for granted and leaves for a better relationship - she can pair up with someone like her where they can calculate who drives where and how much gas the other person owes, and I cooked yesterday but I took 40 minutes to cook a 3-course meal whereas you cooked today but took 20 minutes to cook a one-pot meal and your ingredients costed $7.20 less than mine so you'd better make it up the next meal. Oh, and you used one of my onions, that's $0.30.

 

I suspect that she wouldn't even be happy there, but at least she'd realize how obnoxious her approach is.

[Els]

I think the OP would be better off being with someone like you, so she doesn't feel so used and resentful.

 

The OP can't be with someone like him because she doesn't do any housework! Not even 50% of the housework! The gf of the poster you quoted did the majority of the housework. I don't get why you are continually glossing over that point.