jen1447 Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Why anyone would do that is a mystery to me when you could just have them over every night if you want, or vice versa - convenience on one side (he was driving me everywhere before, I didn't feel comfortable), but in big picture - as a test, because if ever kids come in the game the cohabitation becomes almost inevitable. Ok but I hope you're not thinking about kids at this point when you're not even sure you want him in the picture at all next month. That's a little too much planning for possibilities ....might as well plan for when I come to live w/you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Well I'm guilty of over-analyzing again Ok but I hope you're not thinking about kids at this point when you're not even sure you want him in the picture at all next month. That's a little too much planning for possibilities ....might as well plan for when I come to live w/you. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Well I'm guilty of over-analyzing again Unfortunately you end up bargaining on his behalf by being hyper-logical N_G. :-/ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Why anyone would do that is a mystery to me when you could just have them over every night if you want, or vice versa - convenience on one side (he was driving me everywhere before, I didn't feel comfortable), but in big picture - as a test, because if ever kids come in the game the cohabitation becomes almost inevitable. I was dating someone, wasn't really all that into him or the relationship, and accidentally got pregnant. Birth control failure. So, I moved in with him and then married him shortly after. Biggest mistake I ever made. The marriage was miserable, we functioned like hostile roommates at best, and we ended up divorced. Trust me, if a child were conceived, you DO NOT have to live with or marry the father to provide your child a good life. The father can be involved, be supportive financially and emotionally, without being in the home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 I think you need to have a clear conversation about what constitutes a joint expense. When my husband and I moved in together (before we got married), we established what were joint expenses (mortgage, home insurance, car insurance, gas, utilities, any activity we do together, dry cleaning, joint gifts, and groceries). We split those 50/50. Anything else is a personal expense -- clothes, makeup, shampoo, eating out without the other (like when we go out with our friends separately), gifts for each other, life insurance, etc. But look, it's never going to be exactly 50/50. When we go out to eat, he usually orders a more expensive meal than I do, but I still ultimately pay half when we zero it all out. He travels a lot for work so is on per diem, but still pays half the grocery bill that I eat when he's not home. I drive the car more than he does (since he travels), yet he still pays half the gas and insurance. He does more dry cleaning than I do, but I still pay half. Etc.... But I don't worry about it and I don't think he does either. Neither one of us are abusing the situation. The fact that you are so concerned about this is not a good sign. If you think your lunches should be joint since his groceries are, discuss it with him. If you think you shouldn't have to contribute to the cable bill, discuss it with him. You have to discuss this stuff! I think it's concerning that you think he might be mooching off you. And do not buy a home with him if you aren't going to marry him. Eek. Then you are really stuck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 (edited) Your boyfriend sounds like he's bludging off you. His cosmetics are his expense not yours. So is the cable if he wants it. [] The last guy I lived with, we split all 50/50 shared consumables 50/50 financially. There's no way in hell private consumables are paid by the other party! He paid for cable because he watched it. I didn't watch it so I wasn't expected to pay at all. Any food he ate by himself, he paid for. So if he took sandwiches for lunch he paid for them. If I took lasagna for lunch I paid for it. Shared food (evening meals) were split 50/50. He liked top brand milk, he paid for it. I liked home brand milk, I paid for it. He smoked cigarettes he paid for them (I didn't smoke). All consumables he used or ate by himself he paid for. Rent, electricity and water fees were split 50/50. Your boyfriend is wrong. I would not be allowing him to move into my house until he took responsibility for his own finances. Edited April 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted negative comment about other posters ~6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 IDK, could be that he 'charged' me with 1/2 of the bill containing mainly his personal cosmetics/shaving supplies etc because he bought a couple of dinners out? But I assumed he's considering these as dates... It gets really petty from him if that's the case... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 When I lived with a BF the financial arrangements changed over time. At 1st we split the rent proportionally to accommodate that I made a lot less then him. As my salary increased, so did my share of the rent until it was 50/50. Utilities were always 50/50. We split other bills like groceries according to who went shopping; mostly it was me but that was OK because he did most of the cooking. We had one argument over the premium vs store brand OJ. He wanted the cheaper one. I made him taste both & when he realized how much better the name brand was he conceded that it was worth the money. We never made any major purchases jointly. All the household stuff was either his or mine. Nothing was ours although we both used everything. For example: he owned the living room furniture but I owned the dining room furniture. We each paid our share of vacations & did not "treat" each other to expensive things like that. We had no joint accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 When I moved in with my partner, we dumped all our money in a joint account. Everything from utilities to lipstick to sport costs were paid from this account. It worked OK for us - I think mainly because we have a similar attitude to spending. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 The thing is he is doing ALL the shopping, cooking etc because I don't drive, and also his schedule is way more flexible than mine (he's home at least 2 h before me every day). So I depend on him in the choices, but in the end of the month - he's asking for 50% of the groceries where he's sticking his own products as well... On one side - he saves me a lot of time by running the groceries, cooking etc. But on other side - if I am to pay 1/2, I want to have a say in what he's buying, not to learn post-factum when scrolling through the bills... Donovain, how did you introduce changes to the budget with your BF? Was it only when there was a changing event (e.g. one of you gets big salary increase)? You're married now, right? Did the finances become common after marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Did you have similar salaries and expenses? I feel like that I'd never going to join accounts completely with a partner, because I want to control myself my own personal expenses... When I moved in with my partner, we dumped all our money in a joint account. Everything from utilities to lipstick to sport costs were paid from this account. It worked OK for us - I think mainly because we have a similar attitude to spending. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Yeah you're right - money are one of the hardest topic, and I think a common source for divorce. Regarding house: I'm giving him 12 months 'trial period'. I clearly stated I am buying a house after the lease expires, but left open the option of his participation. If he decides to make changes in his lifestyle and chip to the down payment - the house will be common. If he doesn't - it will be mine and he'll pay me rent (even if we marry - there will be a prenup). Does this sound reasonable or I'm setting for a disaster? You can't charge rent because by paying the mortgage you will have the property at the end. While paying rent he will have nothing - OR you will have to have an agreement on what % the property he would get in return. Besides, what if he doesn't pay? Owning a property together is a massive commitment, especially with someone less responsible. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 The thing is he is doing ALL the shopping, cooking etc because I don't drive, and also his schedule is way more flexible than mine (he's home at least 2 h before me every day). So I depend on him in the choices, but in the end of the month - he's asking for 50% of the groceries where he's sticking his own products as well... On one side - he saves me a lot of time by running the groceries, cooking etc. But on other side - if I am to pay 1/2, I want to have a say in what he's buying, not to learn post-factum when scrolling through the bills... You could have a weekly shop together once a week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 IDK, could be that he 'charged' me with 1/2 of the bill containing mainly his personal cosmetics/shaving supplies etc because he bought a couple of dinners out? But I assumed he's considering these as dates... It gets really petty from him if that's the case... So just that I'm understanding: he pays for your meals out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Well I think it is fair because he'll need to pay rent to another landlord in any case. Many of my friends' couples did that. If he doesn't pay and there is a lease, he can be legally treated like a regular tenant that doesn't pay. You can't charge rent because by paying the mortgage you will have the property at the end. While paying rent he will have nothing - OR you will have to have an agreement on what % the property he would get in return. Besides, what if he doesn't pay? Owning a property together is a massive commitment, especially with someone less responsible. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Donovain, how did you introduce changes to the budget with your BF? Was it only when there was a changing event (e.g. one of you gets big salary increase)? You're married now, right? Did the finances become common after marriage? I'm married to a different guy (not the one I mentioned who I lived with for 10 years). My husband & I had a joint account from the beginning of the marriage. I think I bought all the groceries during the 3 months we lived together before marriage but I made more money then hm at the time. With my EX, there were only ever changes over the two things: the OJ & the rent. Whenever I got a substantial bump in salary I'd say let's readjust the rent. Also he paid all the bills because they were all in his name; he's just give me a bill for half which I paid every once in a while. (I'm just bad about paying bills). The OJ I just bought both & said taste this & tell me which one you like better. He dumped the rest of his cheap brand down the sink. There really wasn't a system because there were never issues. I don't drink coffee but I bought it for him. I like meat; he preferred pasta. Still I'd buy meat & he'd cook it. A lot of it is communication & understanding that time has value. If you have specific things you want at the grocery store, make a list for him. Stick it to the 'fridge. Talk about what items should not be shared expenses like personal grooming products. He doesn't pay for your feminine hygiene but you don't pay for his razors & shaving cream. Just talk. Don't get defensive. Don't get hostile. Search for common ground. Or ask to see the receipt then deduct what you refuse to pay for, then split the balance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Initially I used to pay for more of the meals out, recently he paid for more of them... I acknowledge that. But he's also the one who initiates nearly always. So just that I'm understanding: he pays for your meals out? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Well I think it is fair because he'll need to pay rent to another landlord in any case. Many of my friends' couples did that. If he doesn't pay and there is a lease, he can be legally treated like a regular tenant that doesn't pay. But isn't the idea of any relationship that it's mutually beneficial? When you pay a mortgage, you will have a house so you will be gaining. What will he be gaining? Especially as it seems you are happy to kick him out if he doesn't pay? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 When I moved in with my partner, we dumped all our money in a joint account. Everything from utilities to lipstick to sport costs were paid from this account. It worked OK for us - I think mainly because we have a similar attitude to spending. Yep - this is how we operate in our relationship as well. Since the day we moved in together, my money is his money, and his money is my money. We have been through feast and famine but never really disagree about spending and expenses. I couldnt imagine his food vs my food, his shampoo vs mine etc, but I know many couples do operate that way. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 Initially I used to pay for more of the meals out, recently he paid for more of them... I acknowledge that. But he's also the one who initiates nearly always. So he pays for the meals out He shops He cooks You want to charge him rent and kick him out if he doesn't pay And you complain that he sticks his razors on the shopping list???? Wow 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 Well I agree. I think I'm partially defensive because right before meeting him I lived with a conman who actually paid NOTHING outside of the first month rent (he trapped me saying he's employed, turned to be disfunctional alcoholic...). Every time when I pay for something extra, it reminds me for this experience. And the other reason is my desire to buy a house asap. I already passed 30 so it feels very awkward to me to keep renting... And I feel like he's not as concerned, I don't even know if he'd like/manage to participate in the purchase... Which obviously makes our budgeting goals very different. He lives for the day, I live for the future. Just talk. Don't get defensive. Don't get hostile. Search for common ground. Or ask to see the receipt then deduct what you refuse to pay for, then split the balance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 How is mutually beneficial to me to donate my life time savings without any reciprocation (if he doesn't live with me as a tenant)? But isn't the idea of any relationship that it's mutually beneficial? When you pay a mortgage, you will have a house so you will be gaining. What will he be gaining? Especially as it seems you are happy to kick him out if he doesn't pay? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 And the other reason is my desire to buy a house asap. I already passed 30 so it feels very awkward to me to keep renting... And I feel like he's not as concerned, I don't even know if he'd like/manage to participate in the purchase... Which obviously makes our budgeting goals very different. He lives for the day, I live for the future. If you want to buy a house, buy a house but unless you have a business arrangement drawn up that specifies how you get out of the ownership, do not buy a house with a man you are not married to, especially if you are already freaking about how the groceries are split. Since he drives & you don't, do you reimburse him for gas? If not, hush about the cosmetics. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted April 1, 2016 Author Share Posted April 1, 2016 I'd like to help more with the housework but he has more time because half of the week he works from home, and I have to travel 3 h every day to get to and back from my office. I'm sure if he buys a house and I don't pay rent he'll kick me out as well. He kicked out his former friend/housemate because he stopped paying his rent share for a month or two. So he pays for the meals out He shops He cooks You want to charge him rent and kick him out if he doesn't pay And you complain that he sticks his razors on the shopping list???? Wow Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted April 1, 2016 Share Posted April 1, 2016 How is mutually beneficial to me to donate my life time savings without any reciprocation (if he doesn't live with me as a tenant)? Because it's an investment and you get a property out of it. He would get nothing. What's his gain? Taking out your past problems on this guy is incredibly unfair. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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