Common expenses while dating

[Dolfin80]

The OP can't be with someone like him because she doesn't do any housework! Not even 50% of the housework! The gf of the poster you quoted did the majority of the housework. I don't get why you are continually glossing over that point.

 

i haven't commented about the OP housework at all, so no glossing her. The OP might do all the mowing, gardening, gutter and pool cleaning we don't know. I haven't commented on this at all as I don't know any details.

 

All that I know is every man I've lived with has bought his own deodorant. I've never had to pay for it. So I don't believe she has to pay for his either. I would think it's strange if someone asked me to pay for their deodorant. My guys usually buy their own deodorant in bulk on special so I'm not even at the shops with them when they buy it. It's their responsibility. I don't have anything to do with there personal hygiene purchases.

 

I would never make a guy pay for my menstral pads no matter how much housework I do.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Dolfin80

[understand50]

i haven't commented about the OP housework at all, so no glossing her. The OP might do all the mowing, gardening, gutter and pool cleaning we don't know. I haven't commented on this at all as I don't know any details.

 

All that I know is every man I've lived with has bought his own deodorant. I've never had to pay for it. So I don't believe she has to pay for his either. I would think it's strange if someone asked me to pay for their deodorant. My guys usually buy their own deodorant in bulk on special so I'm not even at the shops with them when they buy it. It's their responsibility. I don't have anything to do with there personal hygiene purchases.

 

I would never make a guy pay for my menstral pads no matter how much housework I do.

 

I know my story is from a long time ago, but my wife lived together for around two years before getting married. Before we even started, I was helping pay for "our" apartment, and I was still in High School, when she lost her job, and I was not living with her, I paid for all the bills, until she got another one. When I first moved in, she paid for everything, and I soon got a job, and everything went into a common pot and we paid all expenses for that. Have to say, our expenses were low, and we always had money for fun, and had a lot of it. In fact, we were probably the richest at that time, as most of our money was free to have fun with. latter in life, with a house, car, kids, we made ore but it was tagged for all these things, not leaving much for just fun. So when we finally made it official, and got married, we really had been for 2 years. I know I wanted to be with her, and she me, so money was just something we looked at as a common thing.

 

Maybe, what every one is describing, is a roommate, not a relationship. So if you thought that you were going to spend the rest of your life with the one you are living with now, would you see money differently, or is this just a living arrangement with sex as a side benefit?

 

My two cents........

[Mittens]

Ugh. Nothing like money to bring out the worst in people.

 

All of this reminds me of my future in laws. They nickel and dime each other to death. It's all 'his money' and 'her money' The ruined a nice meal out once, arguing because her dessert cost £2 more than his...he honestly expected her to give him the money there and then...

 

My future mother in law retired due to ill health late last year. She's 66, has a good pension of her own. Future father in law (same age, excellent health) is an accountant at a leading car company, has worked for them for many years....earns a very very good wage, could theoretically work for the company until he's 80 if he wants to. One of the perks of his job is that he gets to lease cars from the company at a very low rate, and also gets to get a new lease car every 6 months. 3 years ago he persuaded MIL to give away - actually give away - her own car that she owned outright, to get a lease car...

 

He was so angry when she retired that he punished her by taking away her car...

 

I think he's absolutely disgusting. I couldn't live with anyone who acted this way.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would never make a guy pay for my menstral pads no matter how much housework I do.

 

How are your sanitary supplies any different than the cheese you might put on a sandwich? For the vast majority of couples, they're both just household expenses...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rejected Rosebud]

How are your sanitary supplies any different than the cheese you might put on a sandwich? For the vast majority of couples, they're both just household expenses...

 

Mr. Lucky

That's true. Stuff we need is part of household expenses. In ours, I "need" more stuff than he does, so that is unfairly skewed in my favor, since I don't have to put extra money into the household fund because I feel that I must have organic fruit instead of the conventional, while he cares not. I also don't have to have a separate tampon fund.

[Emilia]

Frankly I hope her bf eventually realizes the extent to which he's being taken for granted and leaves for a better relationship - she can pair up with someone like her where they can calculate who drives where and how much gas the other person owes, and I cooked yesterday but I took 40 minutes to cook a 3-course meal whereas you cooked today but took 20 minutes to cook a one-pot meal and your ingredients costed $7.20 less than mine so you'd better make it up the next meal. Oh, and you used one of my onions, that's $0.30.

 

I suspect that she wouldn't even be happy there, but at least she'd realize how obnoxious her approach is.

 

I fully agree, with the coldness and the controlling mentality this looks beyond being taken for granted.

 

Having had the misfortune of being caught up in Triangulation in the past, it wouldn't even surprise me if I found that some of his faults were in fact completely made up.

 

I hope he leaves for his own sanity.

[Robert]

The thread-starter has not returned to this thread in over 40 posts and 3 days, despite being active elsewhere on the site. If they wish to have it reopened for more feedback, they can request that via the 'Alert Us' button.

 

Pending that, however, we'll keep it closed due to unproductive debating among posters.

 

~6

 

ETA, from original William, that the thread starter sent moderation a message requesting the thread be reopened and we've granted that request subject to the directive from ~6 relevant to why it was closed. No unproductive debating. Thanks!

Edited April 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No_Go]

Yes, he is very controlling (or at least tries to be) - tries e.g. to tell me who to be friends with. I stopped that as much as I could though. It was a nasty episode because he hated my ex-roommate who I was very close with.

 

I think its cuel he chooses all the groceries then hits you with a bill.

 

This is supposed to be a mutual decision, you choose what food u eat together via consultation.

 

Does he dominate you in other ways too?

 

If he is 10years older than you he should already have his own assets (house), its worrisome that he doesnt.

[No_Go]

The issue isn't with cohabitating, the issue is with your expectations in a relationship. Lots of people cohabitate fine, regardless of marital status, without such drama, because they are less calculative and more communicative.

 

I think the issue that I have is majorly his inconsiderate and selfish behavior. You're right money are just the surface. He does the same with his time (cares for his, but tries to obsess mine) etc.

 

I'm known for picking the tab for my friends most of the time. The inconsiderate behavior of this man just brought to surface my calculator side:(

[No_Go]

The house is something that I need to feel like a wholesome person, nothing to do with our relationship.

 

I was looking for a low key partner that fits my life goals, so did he (he spelled it out many times). But his chilling selfish attitude is just ruining what we have and bringing the worst out of me..

 

And they're also more accepting of the inevitable inequalities, both big and small.

 

OP, the issue isn't that you have wrong negotiated deal with your BF. It's that, based on what you've written, you have the wrong BF. With your respective approaches, none of problems you've described will be addressed by purchasing a home, etc...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No_Go]

On my flight a month ago I mapped out breakup. Before I started he sensed it somewhat and told me he'll try to show me who he really is, how he wants to be the best partner for me, stay with me for better or worse.

 

I don't know I believed him. I've had a fight with him nearly every night after that out of stress, anxiety... He's there for me. It is a rare quality to find in a man. He never made me wait, misled me while dating, day-to-day he's very reliable. I feel better knowing he's by my side.

 

Or maybe not... Maybe it's a habit. If I knew for sure, I'd take my steps.

 

I so much want to focus on my personal growth not on new dating ordeals that maybe that's keeping me in... I'm really confused here.

 

NG, you have been having issues with your bf for a long time.... specifically your feeling he is not ambitious or responsible enough, lack of motivation to move up in his job, etc etc etc.

 

And now this.

 

Why do you stay?

 

Clearly, you have different goals, different values and are not compatible.

 

So why stay?

 

Just curious.

[No_Go]

We have comparable incomes. Actually his salary is a few grand higher, equating a few percent difference. I have savings and investment though, he lives day to day.

 

Whomever makes more money should pay for more expenses.

 

It's only fair. Splitting everything 50/50 seems more like a roommate situation.

 

My husband has always paid for 98% of our expenses. He's old fashioned so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it.

[No_Go]

If he is 10years older than you he should already have his own assets (house), its worrisome that he doesnt.

 

To be precise it's a bit less than 10 - I'll be 32 in the fall, he -39.

 

He had no savings, no nothing, some debt, and close to 6 figures salary... He just has no idea what he's doing with his money. He payed his debt in 4 months after I asked him after dragging it for 10 years.... Just never considered it as an issue. I'm still shocked

[No_Go]

Yeah in Europe such arrangement would have never happened... In the US I've seen many. It is cultural.

 

This isn't how most couples live, a lot of men wouldn't allow a women to live off him one year then she pays for assets the next. A lot of men would simply give you the boot if you only earned $900 a year as that's less than a welfare payment. Of course you guys can't manage your money 50/50 cause your not on a salary.

 

The OP and the lady that uses an app lives a totally different financial life to you. So you can't even compare these financial lifestyles. Your comparing apples with oranges. You have a very privaliged lifestyle, not all partners allow this.

[No_Go]

I suggested similar but there was no response, I don't believe this thread is about looking for solutions, several were mentioned and in turn ignored.

 

I offered him that I do all the shopping from now on - he refused. He's very pretentious on what he eats...

[No_Go]

Bingo. The OP sees her BF as inconsiderate, lazy and unmotivated. Not sure why she's made this a financial issue...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You're right - it is not about money, it is about being inconsiderate and taking advantage of the situation.

[RecentChange]

You don't sound like you enjoy this man much at all ..... so many negative things to say about him.

 

Pretentious, inconsiderate, controlling, lazy, unmotivated.

 

So much contempt.

 

Why bother pursuing this? Relationships do not have to be this much work. I dare to say when you really like someone - it just comes easier.

 

I would be heart broken if I learned my SO used this kind of language to describe me.

[No_Go]

I was very passive when we started dating, overlooked things that bothered me and that's where the contempt is coming from...Just a lot of steam has accumulated over time.

 

I'm sure if we were more similar the things would go easier... But finding a perfect match is a low probability game ... And I'm over 30, introverted, and do not enjoy early stages of dating... My own selfish reasons of giving it a chance. Plus there are many things I like about him...he has good qualities, I just don't know how to handle the rest.

 

You don't sound like you enjoy this man much at all ..... so many negative things to say about him.

 

Pretentious, inconsiderate, controlling, lazy, unmotivated.

 

So much contempt.

 

Why bother pursuing this? Relationships do not have to be this much work. I dare to say when you really like someone - it just comes easier.

 

I would be heart broken if I learned my SO used this kind of language to describe me.

[No_Go]

I'm evaluating him in terms of a long term fit indeed: not only financially.

 

Otherwise I wouldn't bother and would have left.

 

I'm over 30 and just don't have the time/desire for romances... He fits this bill since he feels the same way. If we can't build a good team we should break it though - and so far, seems like we really can't He's well too focused on himself to let things happen. I don't have the time to splurge.

 

We're planning some counseling as last resort...

 

I wonder will I miss in the future being with someone that I'm deeply emotionally connected with if I stay with him. Right now I feel I won't, but who knows... And if I commit to him, I'll stay with him regardless, which scares me.

 

Btw I'm also among the people that just function better single. I forced myself to date in my late 20s, I was very happy single before then... Just ranting...

 

In the long run I think it would be unusual for a relationship to be exactly 5050 on everyhing. One partner may have more time while the other earns more money. Someone can be better at cooking while the other enjoys managing bills. It may not be practical or efficent to split up all chores and expenses down the middle. I mean, one of the best parts abot being with someone is finding ways in which they complement you, helping you be stronger together as a team than by yourselves. The important thing is that both parties feel like the other is pulling his weight, value the contributions of the other, and feel like they are working toward the same goals.

 

Reading the OPs posts, the biggest red flag to me is the apparent disconnect between her emotional commitment to the relationship, and her expectations. On the one hand, she is cohabiting with him with the intent of buying a house together in a year. On the other hand, she cinsiders her financial goals separate from his and makes it clear she will proceed on her own if hes not ready. She also does not want to communicate her issues/ houghts, expecting him to perform according to her expectations regardless. This bifurcated approach seems like it would be destined to fail. IMO, either you are committed to a future with someone, or youre not.

 

Re: whether their arrangement is fair- based on her description, it seems pretty fair to me. Her bf does all the shopping, driving and cooking. They split the bills in half. It seems petty to take iasue with the fact that he is consuming a little bit more, especially when he seems to contribute more of his time.

 

From her tone, it does not seem like she loves or respects this guy very much. It seems like she is evaluating him solely from the perspective of whether or not he will help her realize her financial goals. Not saying thats not an important factor, but normally couples want to be together first, and then try to figure out how to accomplish those goals together after.

[No_Go]

i'm not planning to merge money with him unless he clearly commits to financial responsibilities that come with adulthood (saving before spending etc). At his age he still acts like a college student in terms of financial planning...

 

If we ever marry - I'll ask for prenup. Else house will be on my name only as you suggested.

 

 

Since he isn't a willing type to offer paying more - or even consider that you may pay more = then do not buy a house with him!

 

Some people are just cheap. He seems to want to spend his money for fun things - what happens when your future house needs a roof or big expense repair? He likely won't pay half! Yet he gets half equity in the home.

 

Keep big assets separate. But a house in your name only. He can pay rent and utilities.

 

If he chooses to move at any point you can replace his money with a room mate.

 

Be smart. Do not rely on him for equal or fair money when he's proven that is not what he intends.

[No_Go]

Where do you live Dolfin if I may ask? When I used to live in the Netherlands I've seen exactly the same as you described - equal financial contributions for dating/cohabitation, equal parental leave for moms and dads etc.

 

In the US the dating arena is very different. I realized it very late though after being used from guys that speculated with my generosity.

 

Your one in a million then! I live in a country where our gov pays for our education so no such thing as student loans hence partners don't pay for this.

 

So if you are like this then why is the OPs spouse not going to contribute to buying the house. He is 10 years older than her, so why does t he have any deposit money? If you can help out with your partners loan then why can't he help with buying the house?

 

I think the OP would be better off being with someone like you, so she doesn't feel so used and resentful.

 

I think there's a lot of cultural differences here. For example you guys here say that men earn more then women. This isn't true in my country, we are on the same salaries, so there isn't a pay gap. We have award wage and pay bands. We have 4 months paid maternity leave and 1 month paid paternity leave, so families can bond with the newborn. We don't have alimony as women's income are identical to men's.

 

I had a college work in the US for awhile and he couldn't believe how women got treated in terms of equality, he said it was like the 1970s.

[No_Go]

I sadly agree. I feel like I'm fitting his schema to be 'coupled' and he's fitting mine, but it is far from what people call passionate love. I'm fine with it because I love him in my own way, he probably does too, but just the 'glue' is not strong... Leading to petty arguments

 

Wow, after reading, I have to say this sounds more like a business arrangement than a relationship.

 

As for how H and I manage, we're on the same page about nearly everything, and use the same groceries, toiletries, etc. I do own the house, and have for some time. I don't charge him rent; he more than makes up for it in other ways. I'll leave it to him if I die.

 

Big expenditures (and pet adoptions!) are discussed, but that's about it.

 

I don't see anything that reeks of love here. At all. Sad.

[No_Go]

Ugh I was the same as you with my former roommates - but they didn't speculate. My BF does, acts snooty in selecting items, is irresponsible in general. Not in a terrible way, just like a preschooler asking his mommy for the latest toy I want to respect him but his immature behavior just hits me badly

 

I loved being single but unfortunately there are things in life that require two. I'd never commit to a relationship if I was 20, but now at 31 I want the stability of partnership, someone to rely on in case of health problems, eventually a father figure for future kids ... Single is great, but only when you're young.

 

I just think you have two completely different styles with money and you are completely incompatible because of it.

 

I can't even imagine noticing if I paid or my guy paid for a dinner, frankly, and if the food is running low in the fridge either he or I will go shopping and buy more, we don't even pay attention to who ate how much of what AT ALL. Your guy is probably more like that.

 

You also talk a lot about "correcting" him and giving him a "trial period." I can't imagine who would be good with being on the receiving end of that!

 

I'm not trying to pick on you even though I can't relate to your style of having a relationship. You are not with a guy who sees things the way you do, though, that's obvious. And you don't seem even close to being in a "partnership" kind of state of mind at this time. Why not be single?

[No_Go]

What do you mean "she doesn't GET to pick the food"? :lmao: He does all the grocery shopping and cooking for her! If she wanted to take over those jobs so she could pick the food and prevent him from making an extra sandwich or buying shampoo without putting it on a separate tab, she needs to do step up.

 

Yeah and then I'll pay for that + 1/2 of what he paid... That's his 'style'

[Emilia]

Triangulation, triangulation and more narcissism. There is no love in this thread. The poor guy. I hope he leaves before he is emotionally abused.