OLD Men, (over 40) never married, no kids.....

[elaine567]

. since i have been married and have kids i find I relate more to people that have been in my situation.

 

And that is the crux of the matter.

You feel comfortable around people who have been married with kids and those unmarried without kids make you feel uncomfortable, as their thoughts and ideas do not gel with yours.

There is nothing "wrong" with any group on the dating scene, they are only "wrong" for those they are not compatible with.

 

WE ALL have baggage, but some people's baggage we are happier dealing with than others, so we need to choose accordingly.

NO point in a person dating divorcees, if kids and exes are "baggage" they cannot cope with.

Horses for courses.

[mikeylo]

After a certain age if a guy has nothing but a bunch of flings to show and add to that a kid or two ( without marriage ), he has issues( more than any one else ). He would lack relationship skills.

 

Not including the ones who were busy with career or family obligations.

 

Lack of relationships skills would be the issue.

[elaine567]

After a certain age if a guy has nothing but a bunch of flings to show and add to that a kid or two ( without marriage ), he has issues( more than any one else ). He would lack relationship skills.

 

Not including the ones who were busy with career or family obligations.

 

Lack of relationships skills would be the issue.

 

Many married/separated/divorced people also have little or zero relationship skills, that is often why they are "looking" for a new partner in the first place.

It is very possible for people to hide away in a marriage, leaving the other partner to do all the heavy lifting. Just because someone has been married, does not give them a higher degree in how relationships work, far from it.

[Toodaloo]

Do you know what I have been thinking about all this.

 

Any person who can judge another just because they have or have not been married in the past, or have or have not had children by the age of 40... well to be honest I don't think I would WANT to date someone so judgemental.

 

Yes 3+ marriages by 40 is a red flag, just as a string of children with different partners... But lets face it most are one or two marriages, one or two children (normally by the same partner).

 

Its not red flags. Its just life.

 

I for sure am not going to judge if someone was divorced or had children. But I will judge if they decide to judge me on the fact I have not!

[planb1973]

Ruling someone out because they have never been married or had children!?

 

Trippi, I read about the boob pic and that whole thing is a load of bs! Whether that pic was solicited or not his handling of the situation was pathetic. You dodged a bullet for sure. But lumping every man in there 40's never married and no children into his category in unfair. Everyone is different and has their own reasons for where they are in life.

 

I am in my 40's never married, but I do have a child. 3 times now I have been engaged. And thank god it never happened, it would have ended in divorce. Do I want to get married? Yes. Have I found the right woman? No. As for women in the category you listed I do wonder why are they not married or have children. But it is still worth a date because you never know when the right combination of 2 people just works. I just go in with eyes wide open while giving the benefit of the doubt.

[Shining One]

Also, if a guy wants to be married, he will have been by 40.

This isn't true. I've wanted to marry two women thus far. Both of them decided otherwise. This leaves me only a few years to find number three and for her to say yes.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I don't see how a failed relationship or marriage makes anyone damaged goods. Experience can lead to wisdom.

 

Whether someone has actually be married is of lesser significance than if they've had long term relationships. A person who has reached 40 and has not had a long term relationship likely doesn't want to, or otherwise is not able.

 

We're talking about marriage and divorce, not relationships.

 

Actually, it really isn't about the experience. I wanted to further elaborate, but I would assess the situation on a case-by-base basis, but considering how over half of the people that divorce at the drop of a hat...I'd question the reason why the person left...since women tend to initiate most divorces these days...as a man, I need to by wary the reason for the divorce.

 

The whole "We grew apart" thing doesn't cut it with me, among other reasons.

 

If he was abusive/cheated...then I can understand... but some people that divorce at the sign of trouble aren't typically marriage material. I couldn't trust them to be loyal.

 

well to be honest I don't think I would WANT to date someone so judgmental.

 

 

Exactly...I have no qualms dating someone that's divorce, but there seems to be some sort of angst of judgement against one another. It's certainly displayed on these forums.

 

It's enough people have these long list of unrealistic expectations as it is...and THIS is just a piece of that list.

 

Also, if a guy wants to be married, he will have been by 40.

 

Quite an ignorant statement as most would agree.

Edited May 18, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[truth_seeker]

I've just figured that having been married and having kids, men like this wouldn't see me as relationship material to be honest.

 

I'm closing in on 40 and I personally wouldn't think you and I would be a good fit because of your experiences and mine lack thereof.

 

I know nothing about marriage or kids... you have experienced both... I would be playing catch up the whole time

[truth_seeker]

A person who has reached 40 and has not had a long term relationship likely doesn't want to, or otherwise is not able.

 

Not able? wtf?

 

I'll tell you why I'm single: I refuse to settle and be stuck in a prison with someone I'm not 100% into.

 

The way things are today, people are cheating left and right and the divorce rate is more than 50%... I'm all for monogamy and marriage but if the right one isn't there, I'm not settling for someone who is gonna take me down a dark road.

 

Time to throw numbers out the window... except when it comes to a woman wanting to have children.

[trippi1432]

I'm closing in on 40 and I personally wouldn't think you and I would be a good fit because of your experiences and mine lack thereof.

 

I know nothing about marriage or kids... you have experienced both... I would be playing catch up the whole time

 

I think this is a very realistic way to look at things and a very good perspective in the differences. Thank you.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I think it is pretty much over at this point. I asked him again last night if he "dealt with it", meaning did he block her. He insisted that he never responded to the pic to which I responded that it must have been a group text that she sent it to as there were responses to it. He states that I am calling him a liar and can F off.

 

Here's me F'ing off........nope nope nope nope.....shaking head and walking away.

 

To clear some things up, he isn't typically on his phone the whole time we are together. I'm probably on mine more than him as my kids text me a lot or call. (Granted they are grown, but at least I'm not getting solicited or unsolicited texts or torso shots from men.)

 

The pic may have been unsolicited, I really don't know, but the respectable thing to have done was to tell the woman he didn't appreciate the pic and should have blocked her.

 

I do find it interesting that he would tell me to F off, but not the boob pic woman.....very telling.

 

I've actually come across people that if they have kids that are adult aged, they refuse to date other single parents that are THEIR age, but have youngin's

 

I see this as a recurring issue between parents of the same age bracket, but their kids are on differing age planes.

 

Though they've experienced being a parent, they don't want to go through it again, esp. with kids that aren't their own.

[trippi1432]

I've actually come across people that if they have kids that are adult aged, they refuse to date other single parents that are THEIR age, but have youngin's

 

I see this as a recurring issue between parents of the same age bracket, but their kids are on differing age planes.

 

Though they've experienced being a parent, they don't want to go through it again, esp. with kids that aren't their own.

 

I would tend to agree with this, I could say that I sort of fall in that category as well. I would probably prefer someone with grown children, older children or no children and doesn't want to have children.

 

When I was in my 20's I dated a man with an older son. I'm not even going to say the child's attitude and laziness was wear and tear on the relationship, it was his father's inability to parent his son that the struggle. That's not something I would want to go through again, and I could also see that it could be the same way with someone not wanting to date me and not like my parenting style either.

 

The feedback is great and I thank you all for giving these insights. Even though I feel like the dating universe is shrinking vastly these days....(kidding), it's good food for thought.

[truth_seeker]

The feedback is great and I thank you all for giving these insights. Even though I feel like the dating universe is shrinking vastly these days....(kidding), it's good food for thought.

 

You're not alone not matter what the situation. There are just too many options for people today. It's hard to give someone a chance when they have 50 other people in their phone they can chat up. Just about everyone I know is either divorced, on their second marriage, cheating, dating half the city... the climate for dating is great if you're into salacious behavior but horrid if you're looking for one true love.

[xxoo]

Not able? wtf?

 

I'll tell you why I'm single: I refuse to settle and be stuck in a prison with someone I'm not 100% into.

 

The way things are today, people are cheating left and right and the divorce rate is more than 50%... I'm all for monogamy and marriage but if the right one isn't there, I'm not settling for someone who is gonna take me down a dark road.

 

Time to throw numbers out the window... except when it comes to a woman wanting to have children.

 

I was speaking about long term relationships, not specifically married. The difference means little to me by the age of 40, but someone who's lived 20 adult years and has never been even in a long term relationship is sending up some red flags: either doesn't want to, or is not able.

[xxoo]

We're talking about marriage and divorce, not relationships.

 

Actually, it really isn't about the experience. I wanted to further elaborate, but I would assess the situation on a case-by-base basis, but considering how over half of the people that divorce at the drop of a hat...I'd question the reason why the person left...since women tend to initiate most divorces these days...as a man, I need to by wary the reason for the divorce.

 

The whole "We grew apart" thing doesn't cut it with me, among other reasons.

 

If he was abusive/cheated...then I can understand... but some people that divorce at the sign of trouble aren't typically marriage material. I couldn't trust them to be loyal..

 

There are literally thousands of reasons a person can be divorced. SOmetimes it wasn't even their choice--their spouse just bailed--yet they are divorced. The details matter a lot.

[insert_name]

This isn't true. I've wanted to marry two women thus far. Both of them decided otherwise. This leaves me only a few years to find number three and for her to say yes.

 

Yeah I must have missed the memo where it says that all a man has to do is click his fingers and the woman of his dreams is going to be falling over herself for him to wife her up.

 

It feels quite insulting for all the episodes of un-requited love that I have endured to be so easily dismissed like I just wasn't trying hard enough.

[insert_name]

Not able? wtf?

 

I'll tell you why I'm single: I refuse to settle and be stuck in a prison with someone I'm not 100% into.

 

The way things are today, people are cheating left and right and the divorce rate is more than 50%... I'm all for monogamy and marriage but if the right one isn't there, I'm not settling for someone who is gonna take me down a dark road.

 

Time to throw numbers out the window... except when it comes to a woman wanting to have children.

 

Exactly, the postulating in this thread by women is bordering on mental.

 

Nobody has a divine right to a life partner or soul mate or whatever. Additionally, nobody has to settle for someone who isn't right for them. With this in mind is it so hard to imagine that there will be men in their 30's who have not met the right person that they wish to settle down with?

 

In my 36 years on this planet and all the countless women I have met only 4 were long term relationship material to me. Of those 4, 3 thought they had found someone better so I never stood a chance and was kicked to the curb.

 

4 in 36 years! I can barely get my head round those numbers, what hope have I got of meeting a soul mate by 40?

 

I have offers, but I am not interested. I would rather remain single than bring up someone else's kids or wife up some washed up party girl who wouldn't have looked twice at me in her prime and rescue her from being an old maid.

 

That is life, but the assumptions that every man will have had his shot at coupled up happiness are well wide of the mark.

[insert_name]

There are literally thousands of reasons a person can be divorced. SOmetimes it wasn't even their choice--their spouse just bailed--yet they are divorced. The details matter a lot.

 

There are just as many reasons that a man can be un-married and childless at 40, most of whom do not make him defective in some way.

[xxoo]

 

I have offers, but I am not interested. I would rather remain single than bring up someone else's kids or wife up some washed up party girl who wouldn't have looked twice at me in her prime and rescue her from being an old maid.

 

Those are some harsh opinions of what might be really awesome women and wonderful partners.

 

"would rather remain single" = doesn't really want to be in a relationship. And that's ok, but it's good for the woman to know.

 

I have high standards, too. If by some unfortunate turn of events I ended up a single mother, I probably wouldn't partner up either. The man would have to be extraordinary for me to invite him in to my kids' lives and home. I'd rather be single than accept less. Of course, I wouldn't care if he was raising another woman's kids. That would be a plus

[xxoo]

There are just as many reasons that a man can be un-married and childless at 40, most of whom do not make him defective in some way.

 

Not defective. Just unlikely to really be interested, which doesn't make someone defective.

 

And again, not about being unmarried, but about having no long term relationships in 20 years of adult life. IMO, as a social person, they are hard to avoid!

[insert_name]

Those are some harsh opinions of what might be really awesome women and wonderful partners.

 

"would rather remain single" = doesn't really want to be in a relationship. And that's ok, but it's good for the woman to know.

 

I have high standards, too. If by some unfortunate turn of events I ended up a single mother, I probably wouldn't partner up either. The man would have to be extraordinary for me to invite him in to my kids' lives and home. I'd rather be single than accept less. Of course, I wouldn't care if he was raising another woman's kids. That would be a plus

 

Possibly, although in my experience that is not the case. For example women with kids are less likely to want more compared to a woman that doesn't have any and even at 36 I am holding out for having kids of my own.

 

I went on a date with a woman off Tinder the other night, I asked about her recent career change and she said that was because she had kids. "Oh did I not mention that before? I have 3 of them". No funny that, you didn't mention it...Turns out the youngest was 7! There is no way I am getting involved in that...

 

"would rather remain single" = I am very very open to the prospect of a relationship but have not met the right person yet. I don't want to be all whingey but I really do think women are celebrated in 'you go grrrrrl' style when they declare that they are not prepared to settle whereas men seem to be encouraged to lower their sights if they are not getting the outcome they want. I can kind of get that because women will often have more options. But really it seems really unfashionable for a man to say this but I would LOVE to have a relationship...but I don't want one with a woman who doesn't meet my base criteria. I am quite picky as well so y'know, it is what it is, and I won't be complaining about it because I accept I have no divine right to the woman of my dreams.

 

I totally respect your last paragraph about being a single mother. I don't mean to put single mothers down, I am sure many would think me as unsuitable for them as I feel a single mother is unsuitable for me. The main thing is that we are all allowed our choices and that we are all able to exercise our freedom and be single if we choose to be.

 

That being said I just ask that the above is taken into account when viewing men like me with suspicion and judging us under the assumption that because we have been careful NOT to leave behind a failed relationship and a single mother that somehow we are avoidant of love and relationships. My friends would tell you how much I really want to meet the girl I can be happy ever after with, sadly for me the numbers just don't add up and time passes quicker with every year that I age. It will run out for me and that is just the way it goes. Wasn't for the want of trying though!

[BikerAccnt]

I would rather remain single than bring up someone else's kids .

 

 

You know. I hear this sentiment a lot from people, mostly guys, and I don't understand it, and I'm a guy.

 

All I know, is that I'm glad my STEP-FATHER took a chance on my mother with her three young boys so many years ago, and raised us to be the men we now are. I couldn't have hoped for a better father.

 

I think that by cutting out women with kids from your dating/marriage potential, you are seriously short changing yourself.

[insert_name]

You know. I hear this sentiment a lot from people, mostly guys, and I don't understand it, and I'm a guy.

 

All I know, is that I'm glad my STEP-FATHER took a chance on my mother with her three young boys so many years ago, and raised us to be the men we now are. I couldn't have hoped for a better father.

 

I think that by cutting out women with kids from your dating/marriage potential, you are seriously short changing yourself.

 

Very possibly, although perhaps I have read too much evolutionary biology literature because it is now ingrained in me that I tend to look at it in terms of a man who has no children being a genetic failure while a man who raises someone else's kids with none of his own is the ultimate genetic failure. I don't mean that to sound insulting, it is just the only way to put it. I do admire someone who can make a commitment to bring up someone else's children but for me it just reminds me too much of the evolutionary paradigm where the alpha sires the kids so the best genetiic material is propagated and then the female looks for a more suitable partner to actually ensure that the offspring survives. Sadly with the single mothers I have encountered this has played out along those lines which has probably helped to confirm my biases. The single mothers I have met, the fathers have typically been deadbeats, some ending up in prison. I have always been quite responsible, I could have had kids with the woman that I was in a long term relationship with but I wanted to be sure she was the right person and as it was we split up. Others have had kids at the drop of a hat with inappropriate partners for them and so as a result I don't feel we are well suited for each other.

 

Additionally, as I said above, I do want my own children and getting together with a woman who already has kids lessens my prospects of having kids considerably so I would rather just avoid women who have kids entirely.

[Emilia]

You know. I hear this sentiment a lot from people, mostly guys, and I don't understand it, and I'm a guy.

 

All I know, is that I'm glad my STEP-FATHER took a chance on my mother with her three young boys so many years ago, and raised us to be the men we now are. I couldn't have hoped for a better father.

 

I think that by cutting out women with kids from your dating/marriage potential, you are seriously short changing yourself.

I had a step-father too, the jury is still out there how much difference he made to my life. My father left us but we kept in touch and I saw him regularly.

 

I wouldn't raise other people's kids either. I never wanted any of my own so that's obviously logically linked to that but the thought of spending my own hard-earned resources on someone else's kid who will never have anything to do with me would seem.... foolish.

 

I'm glad you benefited from having a step-father but myself and those of my friends that come from broken families and had step parents, don't keep in touch with them, they disappeared from our lives (had a few chats with friends about this).

 

So what was it all for? Those kids still have two parents, it's their job to raise them.

[elaine567]

You know. I hear this sentiment a lot from people, mostly guys, and I don't understand it, and I'm a guy.

 

All I know, is that I'm glad my STEP-FATHER took a chance on my mother with her three young boys so many years ago, and raised us to be the men we now are. I couldn't have hoped for a better father.

 

I think that by cutting out women with kids from your dating/marriage potential, you are seriously short changing yourself.

 

Did your stepfather have any kids of his own?