Is he just not as invested?

[Lorenza]

Ps he's been quite dead recently... I saw him on monday and he looked terrible with dark rings around his eyes. Fell asleep the moment he laid his head on the pillow and ate nothing. Maybe im too harsh causing more stress?

[katiegrl]

Because of the ignoring part or was his answer indicating, that he doesnt care?

 

Both.

 

Clearly he doesn't give a crap about your needs (even this one very minor one)... only his own needs -- SELFISH.

 

And the way in which he responded? Could he be any colder and more dismissive?

 

And then on top of all that...to ignore you?

 

Why would you wish to stay with this person?

 

Don't say it's because you "love him" -- that's not good enough.

[katiegrl]

Ps he's been quite dead recently... I saw him on monday and he looked terrible with dark rings around his eyes. Fell asleep the moment he laid his head on the pillow and ate nothing. Maybe im too harsh causing more stress?

 

No... this is NOT your fault! Feeling tired is no excuse to behave like an insensitive a-hole.

 

Lorenza.... you do whatever you think is best for you.... personally I wouldn't tolerate or settle for any of that (and it's way more than this one incident).

 

But I am not the one dating him.

 

Frankly IMO you need to set some higher standards for yourself....GOD you deserve better than the few scraps this guy tosses you occasionally, his dismissive responses when you express a very minor need, then ignoring. That to me is just cruel. Dealbreaker, buh bye.

 

I could say worse about him right now...but out of respect for you, I won't.

 

Wish you the best.

Edited February 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Lorenza.... I don't wish to make you feel bad, or worse. BUT, please know, when he (or any man) meets and starts dating a woman he is really into, truly cares about....he will not forget to contact her at the end of each day, he will not ignore her (and choose to spend all his time on the computer) when she comes over after not having seen him in four days..... nor will he behave in any of the other ways you described in your original and subsequent posts.

 

Again, I am so sorry but it seems very obvious (to me anyway) that not only is he not invested (topic of this thread)...but he doesn't seem to give any type of crap at all -- as RH said he is completely self-centered and all he cares about is himself and his own needs.

 

This is not how a good, healthy caring RL looks...or works. PLEASE know that.

Edited February 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

Lorenza.... I don't wish to make you feel bad, or worse. BUT, please know, when he (or any man) meets and starts dating a woman he is really into, truly cares about....he will not forget to contact her at the end of each day, he will not ignore her (and choose to spend all his time on the computer) when she comes over after not having seen him in four days..... nor will he behave in any of the other ways you described in your original and subsequent posts.

 

Again, I am so sorry but it seems very obvious (to me anyway) that not only is he not invested (topic of this thread)...but he doesn't seem to give any type of crap at all -- as RH said he is completely self-centered and all he cares about is himself and his own needs.

 

This is not how a good, healthy caring RL looks...or works. PLEASE know that.

 

No, it's ok Katie you don't make me feel worse.

I don't know, just so confused about what I should do... I tend to agree with you and RH that he is a little too self-centered, but that is something I've heard from him about me, after a couple of arguments too. He does have really good sides and when he's rested he is really lovely towards me, so I'm thinking what if it's just his overwhelming fatigue that makes him apathetic? He claims he haven't had a whole week of good sleep since november... I basically see him destroyed almost every time he comes over... He even started having pain where he used to have his cancer tumor and I'm so worried about his overall health. Mind that it's a cold, dark, dreary winter time here where we live and everything just seems like dark blur.

Sorry, just venting :/

[Lorenza]

Whenever I get angry and almost determined to break up, I think - what if it's a really hard time for him and I'm gonna just dump a person when he's in at his low...

[katiegrl]

Whenever I get angry and almost determined to break up, I think - what if it's a really hard time for him and I'm gonna just dump a person when he's in at his low...

 

You need to take care of YOU. Let him worry about himself.

 

You're not his mother.

 

Not to mention, if he treated you better, you wouldn't be dumping him in the first place.

Edited February 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

He does have really good sides and when he's rested he is really lovely towards me, so I'm thinking what if it's just his overwhelming fatigue that makes him apathetic?

 

Lorenza: If you put together all of the moments he's attentive, loving and those moments when he's arrogant and dismissive, how much happiness are you getting out of this? Be honest with yourself. Isn't he arrogant and dismissive most of the time.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza: If you put together all of the moments he's attentive, loving and those moments when he's arrogant and dismissive, how much happiness are you getting out of this? Be honest with yourself. Isn't he arrogant and dismissive most of the time.

 

He's not arrogant, just reeeaaally defensive. Gives me an impression that he thinks I wouldn't care if I lost him. He seems to think that me, expressing my needs is just me knowing I can be demanding cause I have a whole bunch of guys waiting for me in line.

Otherwise, I have been 60% unhappy with him the last month. But then again, this was a hard, long, daaaark month, we both been sick and tired all the time. First three months I was 95% happy with him, even though small thingies came up too, but nothing major.

[Lorenza]

I dont know, Im about to write him a breakup text, but im so afraid I'll regret it... He wrote a couple of hours ago that we're gonna talk (on phone) I answered - ok, I'm waiting! He read that and then just nothing. Seen his activity on facebook, but no call, not even telling me to not wait, since its already 3 am here. I feel like such an idiot...

[Lorenza]

Been up crying for an hour, tried to call myself once, but nothing, as always...

[katiegrl]

Been up crying for an hour, tried to call myself once, but nothing, as always...

 

I'm sorry Lorenza ((hugs)).

 

I think sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they're able to realize they're addicted and need help .....whether that addiction is to a drug, alcohol or a boyfriend (love addiction which is very real).

 

You've hit that rock bottom now. He can't knock you down much lower.

 

I hope this is the wake up call you need...and will now take the necessary steps to move on from this unhealthy situation.

 

Wish you the best Lorenza and feel free to PM me if you ever need to vent. Or continuing posting here for support.

 

Feel better soon.

Edited February 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

I'm sorry Lorenza ((hugs)).

 

I think sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they're able to realize they're addicted and need help .....whether that addiction is to a drug, alcohol or a boyfriend (love addiction which is very real).

 

You've hit that rock bottom now. He can't knock you down much lower.

 

I hope this is the wake up call you need...and will now take the necessary steps to move on from this unhealthy situation.

 

Wish you the best Lorenza and feel free to PM me if you ever need to vent. Or continuing posting here for support.

 

Feel better soon.

 

Thanks for the support Katie <3

 

Haven't sent the message yet, cause he's coming to my place tonight, better to talk in person. He said another thing that kinda left me no hopes for this relationship at all - that he doesn't want to move in yet. Means he doesnt care at all that I'll have to overpay for a little room while he will get a cheap apartment for himself. That's just the ultimate deal breaker....

[Lois_Griffin]

Been up crying for an hour, tried to call myself once, but nothing, as always...

How about you take off those rose-colored glasses and see him for what he IS, and not what you wish him to be?

 

What he IS is a selfish user.

 

You're doing all the heavy lifting and defending his nasty behavior every step of the way, because you can't admit to yourself that if you didn't constantly chase him and cater to this jerk, you probably wouldn't even see him or hear from him.

 

Take off the rose colored glasses and come back to reality.

[Gaeta]

Thanks for the support Katie <3

that he doesn't want to move in yet. Means he doesnt care at all that I'll have to overpay for a little room while he will get a cheap apartment for himself. That's just the ultimate deal breaker....

 

Hon, when things are bad you don't move in with each other. In his dysfunctional and selfish ways he knows it. You are too infatuated and too keen on accepting his bad treatment to see this. In the long run you will thank him to put a stop to this for you both.

[Erdbeere]

I can see all sides of this thread. I've been reading endless online pieces of advice about how women must not show they are needy, in order to keep the interest of men. It has left me feeling very deflated, to imagine us eternally walking on eggshells, for fear of upsetting the man/him abandoning us.

Edited February 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Redhead14]

for fear of upsetting the man/him abandoning us. -- Here's the thing, the reason women are "afraid" to let a man know what her needs are, is that the man is already not showing them enough to make the woman comfortable and secure in the relationship. A woman won't have fear of doing this if she's comfortable. If she's uncomfortable about communicating with a man, there's something wrong and/or she pretty much already knows he's not going to be receptive for some reason or another.

 

I'm not talking about a fairly new relationship where the two haven't really gotten to know each other well or gone into deeper conversations, etc. And, the truth is these two have only known each other for 4 months and for most of it, she's not been happy very often anyway.

 

imagine us eternally walking on eggshells -- if you are walking on eggshells, there is already something wrong and your gut is telling you. It's best to face that fear and get it over with than living a muted, unfulfilled life with someone. If saying something causes them to leave you, then they were only with you for the sex . . .

 

"Fear doesn't control me, I face it so as to control it" . . .

Edited February 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[katiegrl]

 

I can see all sides of this thread. I've been reading endless online pieces of advice about how women must not show they are needy, in order to keep the interest of men. It has left me feeling very deflated, to imagine us eternally walking on eggshells, for fear of upsetting the man/him abandoning us.

 

No the goal is for women to NOT walk on eggshells with men. To feel secure *within yourself* so you are not overwhelming men with your needs, which in many cases are caused by your own anxiety and insecurity within yourself.

 

In a long term committed relationship, of course you speak up and express concerns. If something troubles you, you absolutely speak up and discuss it!!

 

But early on when you just starting dating a man (first 3-4 months although that time varies for each couple)..... you are learning about each other and evaluating compatibility and INTEREST. And whether or not your fundamental needs and respective interest levels match.

 

If they don't, you move on and look for someone else who is a better fit and can give you what you need. This goes for both women and men.

 

You don't hang around being unhappy, asking men to change (or to step up) to match *your* level of interest and investment. It's not fair plus it won't work anyway.... as he will give what he has the desire to give, period. And if he wanted to give you more, he would be doing exactly that, without your having to ask!

 

You can't *make* a man care more or love you more. If he doesn't have it in him to give you more ..... more attention, more love, more caring, more time ....on his own from his heart, then your asking won't mean a hill of beans.

 

Oh he may step up for a few weeks, but he won't be into it, and will eventually go back to how he was, or he will resent you for trying to change him.

 

Men really want to be loved, appreciated and accepted for who they are...if a woman starts asking for more than he desires to give (again on his own from his heart) he feels depleated like he is not good enough and can't make her happy.

 

So what do you do if you are in the early stages of dating/relationship and your guy isn't calling enough, spending enough time with you, etc?

 

You either lower expectations and accept and be happy with what he IS giving you ....OR you simply tell him you need more than he is desirous of giving at this point in time and therefore are choosing to walk away...and that you wish him the best.

 

And then graciously walk away, no drama, just move on.

 

I would give the same advice to men too.

 

MY OPINION .....which to this day has served me quite well in all my relationships.

Edited February 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lorenza]

I've been thinking very intesively and finally came to a conclusion. First of all - why the hell do I put so much of my focus on a relationship? I have so many things I need to work on by myself and I'm so far away from my personal and professional goals that it should be my biggest priority right now (I'm a little bit younger than I said, just afraid to reveal all the facts here). So I simply decided to take a few mental steps back. I just decided to not take it so seriously. A good and much older friend also told me yesterday: "Why do you want it so much to move in with a man you've known for such a short time, depend on him and live in an apartment of his choice and most of all - you claim to be an introvert who needs alone time with your music and your cat. How's that gonna work out in a small rental apartment?" I was almost shocked to realize that - no, I don't want to live with him yet. And that I have not prioritized right at all.

 

So I took a deep breath and took a few steps back in my mind. When my boyfriend came over yesterday, all sweet and apologetic, bringing my favorite food and sweets, I said nothing about the issues I had earlier. We simply had a fun night, since he was all rested and super nice. I thought - I'll just let it be what it is. Just meeting and having good, light-hearted time with each other, with no big expections, meanwhile I take my focus back on my own goals.

He is focusing on his career and frankly, so should I. We'll see where this is gonna lead.

[Redhead14]

I've been thinking very intesively and finally came to a conclusion. First of all - why the hell do I put so much of my focus on a relationship? I have so many things I need to work on by myself and I'm so far away from my personal and professional goals that it should be my biggest priority right now (I'm a little bit younger than I said, just afraid to reveal all the facts here). So I simply decided to take a few mental steps back. I just decided to not take it so seriously. A good and much older friend also told me yesterday: "Why do you want it so much to move in with a man you've known for such a short time, depend on him and live in an apartment of his choice and most of all - you claim to be an introvert who needs alone time with your music and your cat. How's that gonna work out in a small rental apartment?" I was almost shocked to realize that - no, I don't want to live with him yet. And that I have not prioritized right at all.

 

So I took a deep breath and took a few steps back in my mind. When my boyfriend came over yesterday, all sweet and apologetic, bringing my favorite food and sweets, I said nothing about the issues I had earlier. We simply had a fun night, since he was all rested and super nice. I thought - I'll just let it be what it is. Just meeting and having good, light-hearted time with each other, with no big expections, meanwhile I take my focus back on my own goals.

He is focusing on his career and frankly, so should I. We'll see where this is gonna lead.

 

I am proud of you Much better head space to be in.

[Lorenza]

Awww, thanks RH!

[No_Go]

Leigh, I understand your situation.

 

I was just pointing out OP's BF is in the SAME boat as you: a mature-aged student struggling for (probably) a competitive degree and better life. That's about for who-pays part.

 

Whether he's enthusiastic for her or not,it is hard to say. I just expressed an opinion that it is his unique stype of communication more than anything else, you and others think differently... I guess only OP's BF knows what the truth is.

 

I study podiatry full time.

 

I don't have time to work full time.

 

That isn't being lazy or mooching. ....

 

My field is extremely over saturated and u need no less than distinctions/80% in every single text or exam JUST to be employable. ANY less and the degree is useless. So I can only afford to work 1 to 2 full days a week, which I was previously doing until I had a nervous breakdown because my marks were slipping and I don't want to spend 40k on student debt for a degree that'll be as good as toilet paper without top notch marks.

 

I cook clean and provide my boyfriend enamous amounts of emotional support and quality time together. I do the cleaning and cooking and I ALSO FULLY FURNISHED our new place together.

 

Mooching is for bums who are too lazy to work and want a free ride and CONTRIBUTE NOTHING.

 

I got him a brand new phone, pay the phone bill, cook and clean and HE pays rull rent. After I furnished the place for him as a surprise.

 

So I think I contribute MY FAIR SHARE thanks.

 

I work as much as my academic aptitude will allow for (in order for me to get high Ds). Sometimes that's 1 day a week. Last year it was full timeat times.

 

Part of being in love is being willing to support a partner while they are ill or studying to better themselves. My bf knew graduation college and becoming a professional is a must have and long held dream for me...... and HE insisted that he live together with me KNOWING my circumstances. ..

 

I am not a mooch nor do I want a free ride. I have plans and can't wait to contribute equally when it comes to finances!

 

As for the OPS bf? Who knows whether he truly intends on using her for a relationship of convenience. No one knows. He just doesn't seem too enthused by her.

[No_Go]

I absolutely agree you should focus on yourself.

 

However, when he acts hot/cold, don't be dismissive - take a (mental) note about this behavior, see if is it repetitive, at what frequency, and is that frequency compatible with your own needs.

 

By not saying your real age here you made it quite hard (not to say impossible) to give you good advice - e.g. if you're under 25, I wouldn't recommend progressing so fast with this or any other relationship. All that I said here was assuming that you two are in your late 20s/early 30s.

 

Take a step back, look at your real situation in times that you don't feel emotional (in positive or negative sense, either way it is going to cloud your judgement), and go from there. I think you have made the first step.

 

I've been thinking very intesively and finally came to a conclusion. First of all - why the hell do I put so much of my focus on a relationship? I have so many things I need to work on by myself and I'm so far away from my personal and professional goals that it should be my biggest priority right now (I'm a little bit younger than I said, just afraid to reveal all the facts here). So I simply decided to take a few mental steps back. I just decided to not take it so seriously. A good and much older friend also told me yesterday: "Why do you want it so much to move in with a man you've known for such a short time, depend on him and live in an apartment of his choice and most of all - you claim to be an introvert who needs alone time with your music and your cat. How's that gonna work out in a small rental apartment?" I was almost shocked to realize that - no, I don't want to live with him yet. And that I have not prioritized right at all.

 

So I took a deep breath and took a few steps back in my mind. When my boyfriend came over yesterday, all sweet and apologetic, bringing my favorite food and sweets, I said nothing about the issues I had earlier. We simply had a fun night, since he was all rested and super nice. I thought - I'll just let it be what it is. Just meeting and having good, light-hearted time with each other, with no big expections, meanwhile I take my focus back on my own goals.

He is focusing on his career and frankly, so should I. We'll see where this is gonna lead.

[Leigh 87]

When my bf works away from home, he isn't a massive talker by nature yet he manages to send good morning texts most days and calls me everh night that we are apart.

 

It's clear that you can't feel truly fulfilled with this man because you evidently need more frequent contact in order to feel connected.

 

And sorry that this isn't what you want to hear, but it DOESN'T sound like he is very excited by you based on your 4 days apart and him not being all over you and investing in some quality time... good lord, after 2 or 3 days of working away from home, my bf and I are absolutely joined at the hip and cannot get enough of each other!

 

I don't quite understand why a man who was truly in love would not want the centre of his universe to partially revolve around making quality time with the one special girl that lights him up like no one or nothing else.

 

I mean...I have asberges (a form of autism where you are oblivious to social cues and norms) as well as being an only child and extremely selfish and spoilt. Yet a: I still have enough sense to check in with my boyfriends. Because I just know that most people prefer to touch base every day if they are really into their partners. And b) I can't not see the sparkle in my bfs eye for days at a time. I also know plenty of other selfish and busy people like myself who drop everything for that one special person.

 

I used to go and study/work rather than hang out with my ex. Turns out I just wasn't in love.

 

Even if he is just super independent and can do without the fluffy lovey dovey good morning texts and regular support ......it still just isn't going to make you that happy.

[Leigh 87]

I've been thinking very intesively and finally came to a conclusion. First of all - why the hell do I put so much of my focus on a relationship? I have so many things I need to work on by myself and I'm so far away from my personal and professional goals that it should be my biggest priority right now (I'm a little bit younger than I said, just afraid to reveal all the facts here). So I simply decided to take a few mental steps back. I just decided to not take it so seriously. A good and much older friend also told me yesterday: "Why do you want it so much to move in with a man you've known for such a short time, depend on him and live in an apartment of his choice and most of all - you claim to be an introvert who needs alone time with your music and your cat. How's that gonna work out in a small rental apartment?" I was almost shocked to realize that - no, I don't want to live with him yet. And that I have not prioritized right at all.

 

So I took a deep breath and took a few steps back in my mind. When my boyfriend came over yesterday, all sweet and apologetic, bringing my favorite food and sweets, I said nothing about the issues I had earlier. We simply had a fun night, since he was all rested and super nice. I thought - I'll just let it be what it is. Just meeting and having good, light-hearted time with each other, with no big expections, meanwhile I take my focus back on my own goals.

He is focusing on his career and frankly, so should I. We'll see where this is gonna lead.

 

 

This sounds mature and sensible.

 

I guess I am a true romantic. I prefer to fall head over heels and for feelings to be intense by a few months. Which means planning a future together.

 

You are doing things the way that most experts would recommend.

 

Well done. I would have walked by now but that's just me. I need be on a guys mind so intensely that he can't forget to text or call me daily.

 

Good for you and enjoy.