Is he just not as invested?

[katiegrl]

OMG Read her posts:

 

- He gave up everything to provide for his parents and siblings at age of 16!

- He was strong enough to survive cancer (people mentally give up after such a diagnosis at his age)

- He is ambitious enough to study AND own a company (entrepreneurial spirit is VERY attractive)

- Her father approved him (after disapproving 3 exes)

- He offered to help her find housing for which she doesn't qualify

 

Am I the only one reading these?

 

I'd go for this qualities any time over a 'fun-loving' 'romantic' bringing 'treats' to me (I can't abstract from the picture of a happy puppy receiving a treat when I read women asking their guy to 'spoil' them with treats or attention )

 

And I'll rephrase:

All work and no play makes Jack a responsible 31yo man struggling to built future.

 

NG.... no one is discounting those attributes... however, a RL also needs to be nurtured otherwise it's just not gonna survive...

 

He (or she) can't just sit on their respective butts and hope the RL works out by itself. That is not how it works.

 

Lorenza is doing her part.... but he isn't. Hell, not only is he not giving or putting anything into this "relationship" to nurture it.... he can't even reciprocate.

 

I am sorry, but this does not sound like a loving, mutually-caring, mutually rewarding, relationship to me.

 

And if something doesn't get fixed....it's just not gonna survive.

 

We know he has it in him to give.... your examples above prove that. Just not to HER....which is very telling IMO.... and very unfortunate.

 

And if you don't believe "the little things" are important in that nurturing, then IMO you are sadly mistaken. BOTH people need to feel loved, cared about... and we feel that through the little things we do for each other.

 

If you don't need that in your own RL...then more power to ya. But you said earlier, your RL is very distant, more like a roommate situation.

 

That wouldn't be acceptable to most people, that's all I'm saying.

Edited January 29, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

OMG Read her posts:

 

- He gave up everything to provide for his parents and siblings at age of 16!

- He was strong enough to survive cancer (people mentally give up after such a diagnosis at his age)

- He is ambitious enough to study AND own a company (entrepreneurial spirit is VERY attractive)

- Her father approved him (after disapproving 3 exes)

- He offered to help her find housing for which she doesn't qualify

 

Am I the only one reading these?

 

I'd go for this qualities any time over a 'fun-loving' 'romantic' bringing 'treats' to me (I can't abstract from the picture of a happy puppy receiving a treat when I read women asking their guy to 'spoil' them with treats or attention )

 

And I'll rephrase:

All work and no play makes Jack a responsible 31yo man struggling to built future.

 

All that is terrific, but is he capable, willing or does he even want to put as much of himself into a relationship with her as he does in all those other things. If he is throwing himself into building a future for himself, is she willing to sit in the back seat waiting for him to be able to give her what she needs until then? How long will this take? And, when he gets there, is she going to be part of it. He can't possibly be able to tell her that right now anyway. She may help him get to be whatever he's shooting for and then when the fog he's been in while being so focused on all that has lifted, will he look at her and say "hey, we made it" or "thank you for being there all these years, I'm in a good place now, and it's time to say goodbye"?

 

And, the fact that her last post about her feelings right now as he sits there doing his work, when she hasn't seen him in four days, tells me that she is not strong enough or secure enough, and certainly not at the dating/relationship stage that warrants her supporting his efforts at her expense.

 

She should date him, observe the progress of the relationship or lack thereof, and wait before moving in.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza.... do you KNOW what he's doing/searching on the computer while he's with you?

 

Not what he tells you he's doing but actually what he's doing?

 

Are you absolutely sure he's doing "work" all the time?

 

I mean how much work does he have anyway? He's been four days without you.... could not he get all his work done then.... and now devote a little bit of time to YOU and your relationship?

 

Did he bring you anything like a single rose or some small token of his love, affection and appreciation?

 

Does he ever offer to cook.... or does he ever take you out (say for ice cream, a movie perhaps? A walk in the park?). Those things cost next to nothing.

 

I am trying to get a better, more positive picture of your RL.... I would like to support you as you move forward....believe it or not!

 

Please share some positive things...things you love about him!! Ways in which he makes you feel special.

 

Yeah, quite sure it's work, he is a programmer and I was too, before I changed proffesion, so I know it takes a lot of work to make complicated programs. I know that he is talking to one girl, but it's a friend from a while ago, so I don't make it a big deal. Otherwise - nothing suspicious ever.

At school they have a lot of assignments, programming games and other nerd stuff.

 

Well, we're just trying to survive winter here, it's been -20 the whole month, now everything started melting, wet, cold, dark outside. So no walks in the park and stuff. In autumn we did go out sometimes though, but I do work 7 days a week, different times, it's hard to take me out for a casual thing, if it's not at night.

 

He doesn't bring material tokens of appreciation, no... Just buys food I ask him to buy. It's weird, cause he seems so in love when he looks at me and talks to me. Says how wonderful I am all the time, how talented and how in love he is with me. Has several times mentioned that I'm too pretty, too good for him, which is nonsense, cause he is a good looking guy. Oh, and he can't cook Even if he could, I'm vegan and he calls my ingredients "magic food", but something I take as a sign of respect, is that he always says I cook amazingly and never in 4 months did he ever eat meat in front of me, not even when we went out to eat.

 

We do go to the gym together several times a week. He helps me out with my excersizes. He always wants to hear my music and comes to the gigs. He carries my bags, gets a bit jealous if guys look at me, says that we should get a cat when we move in together, cause i love cats.

 

Other than that, he is a huge computer nerd. He can talk to me about his stuff for hours, show me how he does things, the programs he makes, the graphic designs. Talks non-stop about his future projects.

[katiegrl]

Lorenza....thank you for sharing that!!

 

It's makes a difference in how I am feeling about it now.....and I wish you had mentioned these things earlier.

 

I think this could work out....but sweetie, you need to talk to him!! Tell him how you feel. That you wish he could devote some time to you when he comes over....and not spend most or all of it on computer.

 

If you don't say anything, how will he know it bothers you, right?

 

It does sound like he cares, and would be open to having this discussion. He really could be clueless about all this....so it's up to you to enlighten him!!

 

So PLEASE talk to him.....okay?

 

Wish ya'll the best!

[Lorenza]

Lorenza....thank you for sharing that!!

 

It's makes a difference in how I am feeling about it now.....and I wish you had mentioned these things earlier.

 

I think this could work out....but sweetie, you need to talk to him!! Tell him how you feel. That you wish he could devote some time to you when he comes over....and not spend most or all of it on computer.

 

If you don't say anything, how will he know it bothers you, right?

 

It does sound like he cares, and would be open to having this discussion. He really could be clueless about all this....so it's up to you to enlighten him!!

 

So PLEASE talk to him.....okay?

 

Wish ya'll the best!

 

Okay, thanks

[No_Go]

Katie, I like your opinions on LS, and I agree relationships need nurturing, but HOW is going to happen, it is very individual, and what you call sweet gestures for another person will be annoying display of affection.

 

" But you said earlier, your RL is very distant, more like a roommate situation." - this gives me two insights:

1) when we right - we represent what we think instead of the whole picture. The reality is that I have the reverse problem to Lorenza with my BF... I mean he's the "play" type of a guy. He said ILY in under 2 months, bring me to family events at 2 months, cooks for me every single night, we're very sexually active and basically touchy-feely all the time together: making out before work, when I arrive home, cuddling every evening etc. He also wants to take me to places 2-3 times a week, even more if I don't oppose.

2) These "external activities" are too much for me. Different people understand affection differently. I'd rather stay home reading news and articles on my laptop, maybe discussing it with him, planning important future events together (even if it is individual things: like buying something major for myself), getting into depth in conversations. Light and breezy attitude exhausts me. Even more: seeing somebody who splurges (regardless on me or not, my BF or not) when they are not solid financially.

 

So now: maybe Lorenza and her BF are exactly reversed roles (she likes "play" he likes "work"), but this doesn't make any of them bad, nor incompatible necessarily - they can act complementary, as I believe me and my BF are trying to do (I never plan the fun, that's for him, but I do help with the more serious topics)

 

NG.... no one is discounting those attributes... however, a RL also needs to be nurtured otherwise it's just not gonna survive...

 

He (or she) can't just sit on their respective butts and hope the RL works out by itself. That is not how it works.

 

Lorenza is doing her part.... but he isn't. Hell, not only is he not giving or putting anything into this "relationship" to nurture it.... he can't even reciprocate.

 

I am sorry, but this does not sound like a loving, mutually-caring, mutually rewarding, relationship to me.

 

And if something doesn't get fixed....it's just not gonna survive.

 

We know he has it in him to give.... your examples above prove that. Just not to HER....which is very telling IMO.... and very unfortunate.

 

And if you don't believe "the little things" are important in that nurturing, then IMO you are sadly mistaken. BOTH people need to feel loved, cared about... and we feel that through the little things we do for each other.

 

If you don't need that in your own RL...then more power to ya. But you said earlier, your RL is very distant, more like a roommate situation.

 

That wouldn't be acceptable to most people, that's all I'm saying.

[No_Go]

She may help him get to be whatever he's shooting for and then when the fog he's been in while being so focused on all that has lifted, will he look at her and say "hey, we made it" or "thank you for being there all these years, I'm in a good place now, and it's time to say goodbye"?

 

Eh this happened to me with the only guy that I was "romantic / loving" (platonic) with. He used me like a loving little puppy to lift all the obstacles in his career, was giving me "treats" of attention to keep me hooked, and on the very first occasion start dating someone else and married her.

 

All said - no guarantee in any situation...

[Redhead14]

Yeah, quite sure it's work, he is a programmer and I was too, before I changed proffesion, so I know it takes a lot of work to make complicated programs. I know that he is talking to one girl, but it's a friend from a while ago, so I don't make it a big deal. Otherwise - nothing suspicious ever.

At school they have a lot of assignments, programming games and other nerd stuff.

 

Well, we're just trying to survive winter here, it's been -20 the whole month, now everything started melting, wet, cold, dark outside. So no walks in the park and stuff. In autumn we did go out sometimes though, but I do work 7 days a week, different times, it's hard to take me out for a casual thing, if it's not at night.

 

He doesn't bring material tokens of appreciation, no... Just buys food I ask him to buy. It's weird, cause he seems so in love when he looks at me and talks to me. Says how wonderful I am all the time, how talented and how in love he is with me. Has several times mentioned that I'm too pretty, too good for him, which is nonsense, cause he is a good looking guy. Oh, and he can't cook Even if he could, I'm vegan and he calls my ingredients "magic food", but something I take as a sign of respect, is that he always says I cook amazingly and never in 4 months did he ever eat meat in front of me, not even when we went out to eat.

 

We do go to the gym together several times a week. He helps me out with my excersizes. He always wants to hear my music and comes to the gigs. He carries my bags, gets a bit jealous if guys look at me, says that we should get a cat when we move in together, cause i love cats.

 

Other than that, he is a huge computer nerd. He can talk to me about his stuff for hours, show me how he does things, the programs he makes, the graphic designs. Talks non-stop about his future projects.

 

So, why the "Is he just not as invested" title/thread? The picture you had been painting indicated that the guy was more or less ignoring you and a complete dud. All the things you just mentioned above are very good signs of being invested. And, actually should sustain you in terms of his feelings for you when he is working. Instead of focusing on this one negative, you should be calling up all those things that do make you happy about him while he is working on building his future. Now, you have me questioning whether you have some internalized insecurity and/or high need for validation. I'm not being mean, but you need to think about this a little bit.

 

However, this doesn't mean it's time to move in with him either. The financial aspects have to be explored and his ability to carry his share. Think carefully and plan ahead and don't sell yourself short.

[katiegrl]

Katie, I like your opinions on LS, and I agree relationships need nurturing, but HOW is going to happen, it is very individual, and what you call sweet gestures for another person will be annoying display of affection.

 

" But you said earlier, your RL is very distant, more like a roommate situation." - this gives me two insights:

1) when we right - we represent what we think instead of the whole picture. The reality is that I have the reverse problem to Lorenza with my BF... I mean he's the "play" type of a guy. He said ILY in under 2 months, bring me to family events at 2 months, cooks for me every single night, we're very sexually active and basically touchy-feely all the time together: making out before work, when I arrive home, cuddling every evening etc. He also wants to take me to places 2-3 times a week, even more if I don't oppose.

2) These "external activities" are too much for me. Different people understand affection differently. I'd rather stay home reading news and articles on my laptop, maybe discussing it with him, planning important future events together (even if it is individual things: like buying something major for myself), getting into depth in conversations. Light and breezy attitude exhausts me. Even more: seeing somebody who splurges (regardless on me or not, my BF or not) when they are not solid financially.

 

So now: maybe Lorenza and her BF are exactly reversed roles (she likes "play" he likes "work"), but this doesn't make any of them bad, nor incompatible necessarily - they can act complementary, as I believe me and my BF are trying to do (I never plan the fun, that's for him, but I do help with the more serious topics)

 

Fair enough NG .... and Lorenza did respond to an earlier post of mine asking her to describe what she finds positive about him....and she graciously did that.... and I understand better now.

 

I have always said, we are all different and should always do what is right for us..

 

And I hear you too about all the affection, kissing, cuddling, etc. ....that would be too much for me too.... it's important to find a balance that both people are happy and comfortable with.

 

Since she admitted she feels bad about a few things.... I think she should talk to him.....she's been quiet thus far... the guy doesn't have a clue that this is troubling her....to the point of starting a thread on an anonymous message board.

 

After her recent post... I DO think he cares, just needs to be enlightened a bit with regard to how to make her happy.

 

She needs to do that....not in an accusatory or angry way... but in a loving nurturing way so he KNOWS.

[katiegrl]

Eh this happened to me with the only guy that I was "romantic / loving" (platonic) with. He used me like a loving little puppy to lift all the obstacles in his career, was giving me "treats" of attention to keep me hooked, and on the very first occasion start dating someone else and married her.

 

All said - no guarantee in any situation...

 

I am sorry you got hurt in that situation NG.....

 

I have said this too.... but things are often NOT what they appear to be on the outside.

 

This thread is beginning to prove that.

[No_Go]

100% agree she needs to tell him how she feels - that's the best advice she can get. Like half of the people on this forum, including me, complicate their own RL by being quiet and not expressing their needs well. Every time when I did speak up I felt relieved, and I'm sure OP will be too (and certainly her BF - I'm sure he senses she's not content, but has no idea why..)

 

 

Fair enough NG .... and Lorenza did respond to an earlier post of mine asking her to describe what she finds positive about him....and she graciously did that.... and I understand better now.

 

I have always said, we are all different and should always do what is right for us..

 

And I hear you too about all the affection, kissing, cuddling, etc. ....that would be too much for me too.... it's important to find a balance that both people are happy and comfortable with.

 

Since she admitted she feels bad about a few things.... I think she should talk to him.....she's been quiet thus far... the guy doesn't have a clue that this is troubling her....to the point of starting a thread on an anonymous message board.

 

After her recent post... I DO think he cares, just needs to be enlightened a bit with regard to how to make her happy.

 

She needs to do that....not in an accusatory or angry way... but in a loving nurturing way so he KNOWS.

[No_Go]

Thanks (hugs), this occasion was a slap in the face for me, that's why I've acted cold-ish relationship-wise ever since...

 

Indeed it is hard to say what motivates people to act one way or another... But I think the thread developed diverse enough to be an useful read (with a grain of salt;))

 

I am sorry you got hurt in that situation NG.....

 

I have said this too.... but things are often NOT what they appear to be on the outside.

 

This thread is beginning to prove that.

[Lorenza]

Hey girls!

 

Feels like it's gonna be alright between me and my boyfriend We had a fun weekend and have another one planned ahead. Went out yesterday and he was so into me and looking completely in love as if we're on month 1 of our relationship. Maybe it just takes him to relax from all his work.

I can't see him becoming bigger on the plan-initializing, phone picking and quick text answering field, but hey, there are no flawless people. At least I don't doubt anymore, if this relationship matters to him.

I haven't talked to him about those things that bother me. I hate to complain. I'll try to draw his attention to those things in a non-confronting way instead, like randomly mentioning what I like etc. It also seems that the less I complain, the more into me he is and starts doing things naturally.

 

Thank you girls for your great inputs!

[Leigh 87]

Wait here, in your definition you're mooching from your guy (not paying rent) ? I agree. I thought you like being treated but also being equal partner (paying your living expenses yourself)

 

However, I do agree that a healthy person living with parents at 30 is a bright red flag! Unless it is sth very temporary or cultural (her nickname is Italian?), it is concerning.

 

I study podiatry full time.

 

I don't have time to work full time.

 

That isn't being lazy or mooching. ....

 

My field is extremely over saturated and u need no less than distinctions/80% in every single text or exam JUST to be employable. ANY less and the degree is useless. So I can only afford to work 1 to 2 full days a week, which I was previously doing until I had a nervous breakdown because my marks were slipping and I don't want to spend 40k on student debt for a degree that'll be as good as toilet paper without top notch marks.

 

I cook clean and provide my boyfriend enamous amounts of emotional support and quality time together. I do the cleaning and cooking and I ALSO FULLY FURNISHED our new place together.

 

Mooching is for bums who are too lazy to work and want a free ride and CONTRIBUTE NOTHING.

 

I got him a brand new phone, pay the phone bill, cook and clean and HE pays rull rent. After I furnished the place for him as a surprise.

 

So I think I contribute MY FAIR SHARE thanks.

 

I work as much as my academic aptitude will allow for (in order for me to get high Ds). Sometimes that's 1 day a week. Last year it was full timeat times.

 

Part of being in love is being willing to support a partner while they are ill or studying to better themselves. My bf knew graduation college and becoming a professional is a must have and long held dream for me...... and HE insisted that he live together with me KNOWING my circumstances. ..

 

I am not a mooch nor do I want a free ride. I have plans and can't wait to contribute equally when it comes to finances!

 

As for the OPS bf? Who knows whether he truly intends on using her for a relationship of convenience. No one knows. He just doesn't seem too enthused by her.

[Lorenza]

I study podiatry full time.

 

I don't have time to work full time.

 

That isn't being lazy or mooching. ....

 

My field is extremely over saturated and u need no less than distinctions/80% in every single text or exam JUST to be employable. ANY less and the degree is useless. So I can only afford to work 1 to 2 full days a week, which I was previously doing until I had a nervous breakdown because my marks were slipping and I don't want to spend 40k on student debt for a degree that'll be as good as toilet paper without top notch marks.

 

I cook clean and provide my boyfriend enamous amounts of emotional support and quality time together. I do the cleaning and cooking and I ALSO FULLY FURNISHED our new place together.

 

Mooching is for bums who are too lazy to work and want a free ride and CONTRIBUTE NOTHING.

 

I got him a brand new phone, pay the phone bill, cook and clean and HE pays rull rent. After I furnished the place for him as a surprise.

 

So I think I contribute MY FAIR SHARE thanks.

 

I work as much as my academic aptitude will allow for (in order for me to get high Ds). Sometimes that's 1 day a week. Last year it was full timeat times.

 

Part of being in love is being willing to support a partner while they are ill or studying to better themselves. My bf knew graduation college and becoming a professional is a must have and long held dream for me...... and HE insisted that he live together with me KNOWING my circumstances. ..

 

I am not a mooch nor do I want a free ride. I have plans and can't wait to contribute equally when it comes to finances!

 

As for the OPS bf? Who knows whether he truly intends on using her for a relationship of convenience. No one knows. He just doesn't seem too enthused by her.

 

You really like the idea of my bf not being enthusiastic about me don't you? Well if you read my last post you knew it's all well now, so please stop telling how nice your relationship is how other's suck.

[Gaeta]

Hey girls!

 

Feels like it's gonna be alright between me and my boyfriend We had a fun weekend and have another one planned ahead. Went out yesterday and he was so into me and looking completely in love as if we're on month 1 of our relationship. Maybe it just takes him to relax from all his work.

I can't see him becoming bigger on the plan-initializing, phone picking and quick text answering field, but hey, there are no flawless people. At least I don't doubt anymore, if this relationship matters to him.

I haven't talked to him about those things that bother me. I hate to complain. I'll try to draw his attention to those things in a non-confronting way instead, like randomly mentioning what I like etc. It also seems that the less I complain, the more into me he is and starts doing things naturally.

 

Thank you girls for your great inputs!

 

I'm glad things felt into place for you. Good luck with everything!

[Lorenza]

I'm glad things felt into place for you. Good luck with everything!

 

Thanks, Gaeta!

[Lorenza]

I might have spoken too soon... Was in good mood today and felt confident to just tell him I dont really like when he doesnt write a single message to me during the days we don't meet. Addressed it friendly and suggested, that he could either just drop me a quick hello by himself sometimes or that we could have a short call at the end of the day. Added that it would be very nice for me. He quickly got defensive (and i wasnt talking in accusing manner!) about how busy he is and how he forgets and now he just started to ignore my messages completely though I see him logged on and off on facebook. In those messages i just write that i dont mean anything bad and dont criticize him, but not having any contact makes me miss him and i just would like a little adjustment. But he now stopped reading and didnt answer my call, when I tried to reach him. I dont even know... He is usually so loving (when not exhausted) but is hard to communicate with... What should i do?

[katiegrl]

I might have spoken too soon... Was in good mood today and felt confident to just tell him I dont really like when he doesnt write a single message to me during the days we don't meet. Addressed it friendly and suggested, that he could either just drop me a quick hello by himself sometimes or that we could have a short call at the end of the day. Added that it would be very nice for me. He quickly got defensive (and i wasnt talking in accusing manner!) about how busy he is and how he forgets and now he just started to ignore my messages completely though I see him logged on and off on facebook. In those messages i just write that i dont mean anything bad and dont criticize him, but not having any contact makes me miss him and i just would like a little adjustment. But he now stopped reading and didnt answer my call, when I tried to reach him. I dont even know... He is usually so loving (when not exhausted) but is hard to communicate with... What should i do?

 

Lorenza... I'm sorry but he's sounds like a bona fide ass.

 

Go back to page 1 of this thread and read the entire thread again....and respond accordingly... which IMO would be to dump him.

 

Good luck.

[Lorenza]

I study podiatry full time.

 

I don't have time to work full time.

 

That isn't being lazy or mooching. ....

 

My field is extremely over saturated and u need no less than distinctions/80% in every single text or exam JUST to be employable. ANY less and the degree is useless. So I can only afford to work 1 to 2 full days a week, which I was previously doing until I had a nervous breakdown because my marks were slipping and I don't want to spend 40k on student debt for a degree that'll be as good as toilet paper without top notch marks.

 

I cook clean and provide my boyfriend enamous amounts of emotional support and quality time together. I do the cleaning and cooking and I ALSO FULLY FURNISHED our new place together.

 

Mooching is for bums who are too lazy to work and want a free ride and CONTRIBUTE NOTHING.

 

I got him a brand new phone, pay the phone bill, cook and clean and HE pays rull rent. After I furnished the place for him as a surprise.

 

So I think I contribute MY FAIR SHARE thanks.

 

I work as much as my academic aptitude will allow for (in order for me to get high Ds). Sometimes that's 1 day a week. Last year it was full timeat times.

 

Part of being in love is being willing to support a partner while they are ill or studying to better themselves. My bf knew graduation college and becoming a professional is a must have and long held dream for me...... and HE insisted that he live together with me KNOWING my circumstances. ..

 

I am not a mooch nor do I want a free ride. I have plans and can't wait to contribute equally when it comes to finances!

 

As for the OPS bf? Who knows whether he truly intends on using her for a relationship of convenience. No one knows. He just doesn't seem too enthused by her.

 

Lorenza... I'm sorry but he's sounds like a bona fide ass.

 

Go back to page 1 of this thread and read the entire thread again....and respond accordingly... which IMO would be to dump him.

 

Good luck.

 

I really love him and so don't want to dump him... Why isn't it possible just to communicate, why does his studies and fatigue have to be what the relationship revolves around...

[katiegrl]

I really love him and so don't want to dump him... Why isn't it possible just to communicate, why does his studies and fatigue have to be what the relationship revolves around...

 

I understand you love him...but if he were beating the crap out of you physically, would you still stay with him because you love him?

 

He's not all in! That was evidenced in your very first post...

 

Every once in awhile he tosses you a bone or two which gives you a glimmer of hope....but seriously, you and he are simply NOT on the same page, and never will be.

 

You CANNOT change him Lorenza....you can only change how YOU respond to him.

 

But tolerating the dismissive (and frankly crappy) way he treats you (most of the time) -- and again go back to your original post -- you're telling him that you are OKAY with things AS IS -- and that you don't value yourself or believe you deserve better.

 

My god with everyone else...and now you can't even tell him you'd like a quick text/call at the end of the day -- without him lashing out, flipping it around, withdrawing and ignoring you?

 

WTF!

 

Lorenza.... you give fabulous advice to others on this board. What would you advise another woman do in this SAME exact situation?

 

I know you would tell her to dump him, that something's not right....she deserves better.

 

Please....follow you own advice.

 

Again, I am sorry.

Edited February 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

I really love him and so don't want to dump him... Why isn't it possible just to communicate, why does his studies and fatigue have to be what the relationship revolves around...

 

why does his studies and fatigue have to be what the relationship revolves around... Because that's the way he wants it. It appears to me at least, that he thinks the world revolves around him and that you should too . . .

[Lorenza]

I understand you love him...but if he were beating the crap out of you physically, would you still stay with him because you love him?

 

He's not all in! That was evidenced in your very first post...

 

Every once in awhile he tosses you a bone or two which gives you a glimmer of hope....but seriously, you and he are simply NOT on the same page, and never will be.

 

You CANNOT change him Lorenza....you can only change how YOU respond to him.

 

But tolerating the dismissive (and frankly crappy) way he treats you (most of the time) -- and again go back to your original post -- you're telling him that you are OKAY with things AS IS -- and that you don't value yourself or believe you deserve better.

 

My god with everyone else...and now you can't even tell him you'd like a quick text/call at the end of the day -- without him lashing out, flipping it around, withdrawing and ignoring you?

 

WTF!

 

Lorenza.... you give fabulous advice to others on this board. What would you advise another woman do in this SAME exact situation?

 

I know you would tell her to dump him, that something's not right....she deserves better.

 

Please....follow you own advice.

 

Again, I am sorry.

 

When I wrote that to him, at first he wrote: yeah of course, but sounded slightly annoyed. Then I explained to him that I think its important with a little weather check in between of all of our work, and he just answered: yeah, maybe to you. But Im different. When im focused on other things, I forget. After which he stopped reading my messages completely

[katiegrl]

When I wrote that to him, at first he wrote: yeah of course, but sounded slightly annoyed. Then I explained to him that I think its important with a little weather check in between of all of our work, and he just answered: yeah, maybe to you. But Im different. When im focused on other things, I forget. After which he stopped reading my messages completely

 

If my boyfriend responded to me that way, then started ignoring me = dealbreaker.

[Lorenza]

If my boyfriend responded to me that way, then started ignoring me = dealbreaker.

 

Because of the ignoring part or was his answer indicating, that he doesnt care?