Is he just not as invested?

[katiegrl]

No, she's trying to make it convenient for him and create an environment that she hopes will make it easier for him to become emotionally invested in her . . .

 

Well, if that is the case, I think y'all already know how I feel about THAT .... so no need to repeat.

[Lorenza]

No, she's trying to make it convenient for him and create an environment that she hopes will make it easier for him to become emotionally invested in her . . .

 

No. I just want a place where I can feel comfortable. Moving in together has nothing to do with the problem I described, don't know why everybody got stuck on it.

[Redhead14]

Well, if that is the case, I think y'all already know how I feel about THAT .... so no need to repeat.

 

Whether or not she is consciously aware of that or not . . . that is the underlying goal. The title of this thread was not a misnomer. She is feeling a lack of investment on his part and yet wants to move in together. Like I said earlier, its like a couple who is having difficulties and then getting pregnant to save the marriage.

[Lorenza]

Whether or not she is consciously aware of that or not . . . that is the underlying goal. The title of this thread was not a misnomer. She is feeling a lack of investment on his part and yet wants to move in together. Like I said earlier, its like a couple who is having difficulties and then getting pregnant to save the marriage.

 

OK, once more - I want to move in cause I'm gonna be homeless in 2 months. I live in a city with a difficult housing situation. BF suggested he gets us an apartment, I agreed.

[Redhead14]

OK, once more - I want to move in cause I'm gonna be homeless in 2 months. I live in a city with a difficult housing situation. BF suggested he gets us an apartment, I agreed.

 

Ok, it's still not a good reason to move in with this guy. If you need a roommate, find a another woman or friend or put an ad in the paper.

 

I live in a city with a difficult housing situation. -- so how is moving in with him specifically going to make the housing situation/market easier? If you're thinking it's going to be financially easier -- this guy is financially strapped to the point where he can't buy you things. Just be careful. Can he hold up his end financially?

 

It doesn't make sense on any level to move in with a man you have feelings for and who isn't making you feel like he's invested. Whether this is a housing issue or an emotional gain issue, it's a distinction without a difference. You will likely be rowing the same boat and maybe with one oar.

[Leigh 87]

Also: the relationships that go sour after moving in are exactly the high-romance ones. Because hey, the prince/princess is a human and farts and snores, which you don't see on dates. It is kind of taking the piadestal, if you

 

All said - just keep your expectations realistic, keep money separately and do what feels right for you.

 

 

 

I am in a high romance relationship and we managed to move in together after 3 months. 6 mnths on and the spark is burning as bright as ever and we still do it 3 times a day on weekends and once a day during the week.

 

Just because you couldn't find the absolute love of your life who you were head over heels for with amazing chemistry, doesn't mean a relationship of convenience is ideal. It's second prize because nearly everyone would RATHER that the great love of their lives were to work out sell on the domestic front.

 

And for the record, my bf farted and acted* human* well before we moved in together.

[Gaeta]

OK, once more - I want to move in cause I'm gonna be homeless in 2 months. I live in a city with a difficult housing situation. BF suggested he gets us an apartment, I agreed.

 

He is presently living at his father.

 

How is getting an apartment for you and him be more economical? He already is not paying a rent and has no money. How is he going to pay his part of the rent?

[No_Go]

I'm saying if it doesn't work is usually the high romance ones. Yours worked out , which is great

 

Haha I don't think me and my BF are super high romance but we still do it with your frequency 11 months in. I think the record was like 4-5 times a day, usual is ~10x a week. But that's libido, not romance.

 

Or maybe we're romantic without realizing it? He also cooks for me every night, takes me to events once a week... I usually buy dinners out though. Go figure out what romance is That was my whole point with OP - maybe he just have different way of expressing his feelings.

 

 

 

Also: the relationships that go sour after moving in are exactly the high-romance ones. Because hey, the prince/princess is a human and farts and snores, which you don't see on dates. It is kind of taking the piadestal, if you

 

All said - just keep your expectations realistic, keep money separately and do what feels right for you.

 

 

 

I am in a high romance relationship and we managed to move in together after 3 months. 6 mnths on and the spark is burning as bright as ever and we still do it 3 times a day on weekends and once a day during the week.

 

Just because you couldn't find the absolute love of your life who you were head over heels for with amazing chemistry, doesn't mean a relationship of convenience is ideal. It's second prize because nearly everyone would RATHER that the great love of their lives were to work out sell on the domestic front.

 

And for the record, my bf farted and acted* human* well before we moved in together.

[katiegrl]

He is presently living at his father.

 

How is getting an apartment for you and him be more economical? He already is not paying a rent and has no money. How is he going to pay his part of the rent?

 

Agree and something isn't jiving.

 

If HE suggested moving in together....then why this thread in the first place?

 

And why no mention of that in your original post?

 

Whatever..... good luck hope it works out.

[Redhead14]

I'm saying if it doesn't work is usually the high romance ones. Yours worked out , which is great

 

Haha I don't think me and my BF are super high romance but we still do it with your frequency 11 months in. I think the record was like 4-5 times a day, usual is ~10x a week. But that's libido, not romance.

 

Or maybe we're romantic without realizing it? He also cooks for me every night, takes me to events once a week... I usually buy dinners out though. Go figure out what romance is That was my whole point with OP - maybe he just have different way of expressing his feelings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am in a high romance relationship and we managed to move in together after 3 months. 6 mnths on and the spark is burning as bright as ever and we still do it 3 times a day on weekends and once a day during the week.

 

Just because you couldn't find the absolute love of your life who you were head over heels for with amazing chemistry, doesn't mean a relationship of convenience is ideal. It's second prize because nearly everyone would RATHER that the great love of their lives were to work out sell on the domestic front.

 

And for the record, my bf farted and acted* human* well before we moved in together.

 

maybe he just have different way of expressing his feelings. -- That may be the case, but it's not working for her. That's what's important. And, if she just goes along with it and tries to learn to live with it, she's compromising her needs to accommodate his "way". She's going to feel unfulfilled. You don't force a round peg into a square hole. What you may get is a round peg with beveled sides . . . a damaged version of the original.

[Leigh 87]

There's always reason as to why a 30 ish yr old lives at home.

 

They are either of a certain culture, broke and or financially irresponsible.

 

If the guy jad his act together he'd live independently albeit perhaps in a roomate situation which is standard unless you're in a high paying career.

 

My bf was in a very average income when we met yet managed to pay rent each week.

 

You mentioned that he's a student and not currently working. DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.

 

He will use you.

 

When one person is a student that isn't working, the other foots the bill honey. .....

 

My bf pays the rent. I am a full time student and pay the monthly phone bill which is cheaper than one weeks worth of rent. That's my honest contribution......

 

Enjoy living with a mooch. Bearing in mind, it was my bfs idea to move in together and he insisted he wanted to take care of me. And I still insisted on at least paying the phoje bill.....plus I keep the house clean and enjoy making his lunch for work.

[No_Go]

Wait here, in your definition you're mooching from your guy (not paying rent) ? I agree. I thought you like being treated but also being equal partner (paying your living expenses yourself)

 

However, I do agree that a healthy person living with parents at 30 is a bright red flag! Unless it is sth very temporary or cultural (her nickname is Italian?), it is concerning.

 

There's always reason as to why a 30 ish yr old lives at home.

 

They are either of a certain culture, broke and or financially irresponsible.

 

If the guy jad his act together he'd live independently albeit perhaps in a roomate situation which is standard unless you're in a high paying career.

 

My bf was in a very average income when we met yet managed to pay rent each week.

 

You mentioned that he's a student and not currently working. DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.

 

He will use you.

 

When one person is a student that isn't working, the other foots the bill honey. .....

 

My bf pays the rent. I am a full time student and pay the monthly phone bill which is cheaper than one weeks worth of rent. That's my honest contribution......

 

Enjoy living with a mooch. Bearing in mind, it was my bfs idea to move in together and he insisted he wanted to take care of me. And I still insisted on at least paying the phoje bill.....plus I keep the house clean and enjoy making his lunch for work.

[Redhead14]

There's always reason as to why a 30 ish yr old lives at home.

 

They are either of a certain culture, broke and or financially irresponsible.

 

If the guy jad his act together he'd live independently albeit perhaps in a roomate situation which is standard unless you're in a high paying career.

 

My bf was in a very average income when we met yet managed to pay rent each week.

 

You mentioned that he's a student and not currently working. DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.

 

He will use you.

 

When one person is a student that isn't working, the other foots the bill honey. .....

 

My bf pays the rent. I am a full time student and pay the monthly phone bill which is cheaper than one weeks worth of rent. That's my honest contribution......

 

Enjoy living with a mooch. Bearing in mind, it was my bfs idea to move in together and he insisted he wanted to take care of me. And I still insisted on at least paying the phoje bill.....plus I keep the house clean and enjoy making his lunch for work.

 

There is only one party in this scenario that it would be convenient for -- HIM. There is no other reason that a 30 year old guy, who lives at home, is so overloaded with work and financially strapped, who has shown a level of emotional investment that falls on the low side would want to move in with a woman after only 6 months (but talking about it at 4 months already) -- personal gain.

 

And, she told him she would be homeless soon -- he simply said "get us an apartment"? Is he going to be on the lease? I wouldn't put him on the lease. When/if this falls apart, she can send him back to his father and still have a place to live. If he's on the lease, she's stuck with him until the end of the lease. That would suck.

 

And, she needs to be able to afford whatever place they choose on her own, in case, it doesn't work out between them or he can't pay his share . . .

[No_Go]

The quote was "he suggested HE get us an apartment", i.e. HE will do the search and get the lease on HIS name because she's low on points or whatever the rental system in their country is (see her comments second hand vs first hand rental)

[Lorenza]

He is presently living at his father.

 

How is getting an apartment for you and him be more economical? He already is not paying a rent and has no money. How is he going to pay his part of the rent?

 

I don't see this as a bad thing, as he needed a few months to save some money. The guy dropped out of school at the age of 16 to start working and helping his family, when his parents got into some huge financial crisis and his young siblings were going hungry. He worked non stop for many years until he able to pay off their debts and fix their papers (it's a long and complicated story). While working his ass off, he got cancer, one that statistically didn't give him high survival chances. Yet he survived and was finally able to start living for himself, finish school, start his own company, start studying. So I think the least what his parents, who were basically to blame for him losing his younger years, could do for him, is to let him stay a couple of months, when he needs to save up a bit, after investing all his money into things he needed for school, his company and a big project (such things don't start paying off immediately). So I have quite a reason to not see him as some loser living on his parents shoulders.

[purplesoul]

Read through this and felt I had to comment. Naturally none of us know you but unfortunately some situations do have very strong underlying similarities and consequences. Personally I feel had you felt very confident in this relationship you would have felt less inclined to defend yourself from those that weren't too aligned the answer you probably would have felt more comfortable with. Not a bad thing, we are all guilty of it (myself included more times than is like to admit) ie asking a question but essentially looking for the answer that coincides with the answer you want.

 

Also, from my experience. My current guy (now fiancé ) was with his ex lady for several years. They moved in together for similar reasons as you outlined. Of course he cared and still cars about her but it just wasn't hundred percent 'there' for him and he eventually bailed. With me, he moved one million mountains to be together and proposed in a year. This coming from a guy though albeit kind and sweet and caring to her wasn't really a romantic soldier if that make any sense. From my end, with my ex, you'd have had to drug me to get me to do half of what I do for my current guy. Not because I didn't love or care about him at some point but I just wasn't motivated.

 

So what's the point of me saying all this? Personally I believe when someone really wants you(and especially so early on) why would there be this kind of doubt and discrepancy? Perhaps if you two were more similar you'd be happier but seems to me this is not making you happy. Maybe this is just how he is but truly is that what you want? If it is, I take my words back but somehow I think you know you are less than satisfied. Regarding your richer men were so emotionally nice/nit picked so didn't work out for you....well that's just those men. Some men are nice some men are not. Poor / middle class / mountain villager /floating in a sea of champagne and roses etc...a man is just a man until you meet the right one or ones lol same way a woman is just a woman till you...bla bla (you get the drift)

 

However everything said I do agree with the posters that recommend talking to him about your needs. We all have needs. Yours aren't being met. As one poster recommended maybe he can do little special things for you. Surely he has time to shower ( and if he doesn't than girlfriend you have bigger problems lol) so I am certain he has type to throw together a quick little dinner and a craft a little red heart on a piece if paper with an arrow through it. It's all in the small details! Let me know. What's the worst that could happen? You find out where you stand and this is something you and anyone else deserves. Life is too short for hesitancy.

 

Ps forgive me for any mistakes, typing furiously from a phone that has seen better days.

[Lorenza]

There's always reason as to why a 30 ish yr old lives at home.

 

They are either of a certain culture, broke and or financially irresponsible.

 

If the guy jad his act together he'd live independently albeit perhaps in a roomate situation which is standard unless you're in a high paying career.

 

My bf was in a very average income when we met yet managed to pay rent each week.

 

You mentioned that he's a student and not currently working. DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.

 

He will use you.

 

When one person is a student that isn't working, the other foots the bill honey. .....

 

My bf pays the rent. I am a full time student and pay the monthly phone bill which is cheaper than one weeks worth of rent. That's my honest contribution......

 

Enjoy living with a mooch. Bearing in mind, it was my bfs idea to move in together and he insisted he wanted to take care of me. And I still insisted on at least paying the phoje bill.....plus I keep the house clean and enjoy making his lunch for work.

 

He's been living with them for 2 months only. And they really owe their whole lives to him, so it's not a big thing really... He studies, but he has his own company and have worked at least 10 years in a row before.

Besides, I could never let my bf pay the rent by himself, neither would he let me pay it by myself

[Gaeta]

I don't see this as a bad thing, as he needed a few months to save some money. The guy dropped out of school at the age of 16 to start working and helping his family, when his parents got into some huge financial crisis and his young siblings were going hungry. He worked non stop for many years until he able to pay off their debts and fix their papers (it's a long and complicated story). While working his ass off, he got cancer, one that statistically didn't give him high survival chances. Yet he survived and was finally able to start living for himself, finish school, start his own company, start studying. So I think the least what his parents, who were basically to blame for him losing his younger years, could do for him, is to let him stay a couple of months, when he needs to save up a bit, after investing all his money into things he needed for school, his company and a big project (such things don't start paying off immediately). So I have quite a reason to not see him as some loser living on his parents shoulders.

 

I was not attacking his integrity when I ask how can he pay the rent.

 

What he did is admirable but practically right now he is living at his parents to catch up on every facet of life and that's alright. It still does not change the fact he is broke! and moving in with you will not help him save up for a good start later on. Why doesn't he stay at his parents a full year or till he gets a full time job?

 

Can he come up with rent/utility/phone/Internet/gas money at this point?

[katiegrl]

I was not attacking his integrity when I ask how can he pay the rent.

 

What he did is admirable but practically right now he is living at his parents to catch up on every facet of life and that's alright. It still does not change the fact he is broke! and moving in with you will not help him save up for a good start later on. Why doesn't he stay at his parents a full year or till he gets a full time job?

 

Can he come up with rent/utility/phone/Internet/gas money at this point?

 

Absolutely....and not to beat a dead horse...but it does not change these facts either:

 

Even when he comes over to my place, he spends a lot of time at his laptop either doing homework or learning something important.

 

makes me feel like a secondary thing in his life.

 

forgets to pay me back or buy something he promised to buy.

 

He never calls and doesn't answer my calls

 

Most of the time it takes hours for him to answer to texts,

 

During those 4 months he barely ever got me anything and he never initialized a plan .

 

I generally was more keen on having plans together, while he is just utterly busy most of the time and we're meeting when it fits his schedule, though most of the time it's just us being at my place while he still has stuff to do on his laptop and can't be there for me

 

NONE of that has ANYTHING to do with not having money. Take your blinders off.... PLEASE.

Edited January 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

Well, he is now at my place, after 4 days of not seeing each other, and he's at his computer doing his stuff. It's fun to be around him and he can be very sweet, but it gets on my nerves that he is so into his own stuff. I don't feel like he is not in love with me, but i think he is mostly in love with what he does.

[katiegrl]

Well, he is now at my place, after 4 days of not seeing each other, and he's at his computer doing his stuff. It's fun to be around him and he can be very sweet, but it gets on my nerves that he is so into his own stuff. I don't feel like he is not in love with me, but i think he is mostly in love with what he does.

 

Wow, four months in, and having not seen each other in four days..... I would think you'd be attacking each other... or at least just spending some quality time together.

 

Guess not. Oh well.

[Redhead14]

Well, he is now at my place, after 4 days of not seeing each other, and he's at his computer doing his stuff. It's fun to be around him and he can be very sweet, but it gets on my nerves that he is so into his own stuff. I don't feel like he is not in love with me, but i think he is mostly in love with what he does.

 

This, right now! -- Sit with these thoughts and feelings for a while. Imagine this everyday . . . even every other day for however long it would go on if you were living together.

[katiegrl]

Lorenza.... do you KNOW what he's doing/searching on the computer while he's with you?

 

Not what he tells you he's doing but actually what he's doing?

 

Are you absolutely sure he's doing "work" all the time?

 

I mean how much work does he have anyway? He's been four days without you.... could not he get all his work done then.... and now devote a little bit of time to YOU and your relationship?

 

Did he bring you anything like a single rose or some small token of his love, affection and appreciation?

 

Does he ever offer to cook.... or does he ever take you out (say for ice cream, a movie perhaps? A walk in the park?). Those things cost next to nothing.

 

I am trying to get a better, more positive picture of your RL.... I would like to support you as you move forward....believe it or not!

 

Please share some positive things...things you love about him!! Ways in which he makes you feel special.

Edited January 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

Lorenza.... do you KNOW what he's doing/searching on the computer while he's with you?

 

Not what he tells you he's doing but actually what he's doing?

 

Are you absolutely sure he's doing "work" all the time?

 

I mean how much work does he have anyway? He's been four days without you.... could not he get all his work done then.... and now devote a little bit of time to YOU?

 

Did he bring you anything like a single rose or some small token of his love, affection and appreciation?

 

Does he ever offer to cook.... or does he ever take you out?

 

I am trying to get a better, more positive picture of your RL.... I would like to support you as you move forward....believe it or not!

 

I would like to support you as you move forward -- Lana, we all would like to support her, however, she hasn't provided one single piece of positive information that makes it even remotely possible for most of us who are watching this thread to tell her to move forward with him. We want her to move forward with her life, not be a catalyst for him to move forward with his . . . if he is doing school work and working this hard at it, he better be studying to be a doctor, lawyer, and a rocket scientist.

 

I'm afraid if she looked at his computer there would be a 1000 pages of:

 

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

[No_Go]

OMG Read her posts:

 

- He gave up everything to provide for his parents and siblings at age of 16!

- He was strong enough to survive cancer (people mentally give up after such a diagnosis at his age)

- He is ambitious enough to study AND own a company (entrepreneurial spirit is VERY attractive)

- Her father approved him (after disapproving 3 exes)

- He offered to help her find housing for which she doesn't qualify

 

Am I the only one reading these?

 

I'd go for this qualities any time over a 'fun-loving' 'romantic' bringing 'treats' to me (I can't abstract from the picture of a happy puppy receiving a treat when I read women asking their guy to 'spoil' them with treats or attention )

 

And I'll rephrase:

All work and no play makes Jack a responsible 31yo man struggling to built future.

 

we all would like to support her, however, she hasn't provided one single piece of positive information that makes it even remotely possible for most of us who are watching this thread to tell her to move forward with him.

....

All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.