Is he just not as invested?

[Gaeta]

Thanks for your answer! But you know what - no, I am pretty sure I'm not losing him. He's definitely been lazy and too focused on himself, but I've heard way too much of his talks about how he dislikes girls of the nationality of the country we live in, how their mentalities clash, how he's tired of dating girls who are too manipulative and cold and how he generally feels super lucky to have met me. I'm pretty sure he won't let me go that easily, besides he claims to have difficulties breaking up, he had them even with girls who treated him like ****. I'm the first girl his big family liked (and their approval means a lot to him) and he claims that I'm the first girl he feels so loved by.

But.

I do after all agree with the rest of the posts, that I should back off with giving and just wait for him to pursue me more and that moving in is too early if it's uncertain from my side. Might be we got off on a wrong foot - too early too much, like some poster said, would have been better to take it slow.

 

So he's dating you by default. You're the one girl around that his not of his culture and he's got problems breaking up so he's staying with you. What a nice reason to be with someone. Wouldn't you want him to be with you because you grabbed his heart and there is nothing he wouldn't do for you?

 

If you are SO sure he is not going anywhere then why this fear of talking to him (your words)

[Lorenza]

So he's dating you by default. You're the one girl around that his not of his culture and he's got problems breaking up so he's staying with you. What a nice reason to be with someone. Wouldn't you want him to be with you because you grabbed his heart and there is nothing he wouldn't do for you?

 

If you are SO sure he is not going anywhere then why this fear of talking to him (your words)

 

Yes, but he claims to love me greatly and I do love him too. I just don't understand how he can be so overwhelmed with his own things at the same time and it's just so unclear if he's really just struggling with his life right now, or he's just taking me for granted and doesn't want/afraid to put in too much.

 

I am afraid to talk, among other things, cause I have an anxiety disorder. I get hyperventilated when I'm nervous and I'm super nervous when someone's irritated/mad/annoyed at me. I'm sure and not sure, don't know if you can understand what I mean?

[katiegrl]

Yes, but he claims to love me greatly and I do love him too.

 

Okay....but what do his actions tell you? Do his actions tell you he loves you greatly?

 

Words are great, but if they're not backed up by actions, then they're worthless.

 

The way you have described him and how he treats....to me it seems like he feels meh about you.

 

And I think you are wondering that too now...hence this thread.

[Gaeta]

I am afraid to talk, among other things, cause I have an anxiety disorder. I get hyperventilated when I'm nervous and I'm super nervous when someone's irritated/mad/annoyed at me. I'm sure and not sure, don't know if you can understand what I mean?

 

So you talk to him and if you hyperventilate so be it. It's who you are! Accept it and live with it. You can't avoid every nervous situation in your life if you do you'll always be living by otber people's standards

[No_Go]

Ok, let me give you alternative opinion: maybe it has nothing to do with you, he loves you a lot, but just his personality is more 'detached'

 

I'm like him. For me planned date activities most of the time feel like duty that I need to go through. I'd rather walk and talk than anything else. Also I hate being 'detached' from my laptop/phone because I want to keep track with (primarily) work emails coming from different time zones.

 

I think two of you are just difficult communicators, I don't really see a bigger issue here.

 

Also moving in after 6 months is early but not "extreme". I'd also go against the notion that doing it out of convenience is terrible - for me it was a pain in the neck to move overnight bags and neglect my pet to be able to stay with my BF some nights. I'm much happier now that we share an apartment (btw it is not marriage / joined mortgage, just a living arrangement that can be terminated fairly easy, like one with 'plain' roommates)

 

Yes, but he claims to love me greatly and I do love him too. I just don't understand how he can be so overwhelmed with his own things at the same time and it's just so unclear if he's really just struggling with his life right now, or he's just taking me for granted and doesn't want/afraid to put in too much.

 

I am afraid to talk, among other things, cause I have an anxiety disorder. I get hyperventilated when I'm nervous and I'm super nervous when someone's irritated/mad/annoyed at me. I'm sure and not sure, don't know if you can understand what I mean?

[No_Go]

Here I disagree. Romance is sweet but is not the only reason why people want relationships. I think teaming up, companionship, attraction are all legit reasons to be with someone.... I feel like romance as driving force is just overly admired in our society, letting us forget the rest.

 

Plus, in OP's case I think it is more communication style (love 'language') than anything else. I'm like him (eg laptop at night) and it really never correlated with my level of interest... Maybe more with habits, and some anxiety.

 

So he's dating you by default. You're the one girl around that his not of his culture and he's got problems breaking up so he's staying with you. What a nice reason to be with someone. Wouldn't you want him to be with you because you grabbed his heart and there is nothing he wouldn't do for you?

[Lorenza]

Ok, let me give you alternative opinion: maybe it has nothing to do with you, he loves you a lot, but just his personality is more 'detached'

 

I'm like him. For me planned date activities most of the time feel like duty that I need to go through. I'd rather walk and talk than anything else. Also I hate being 'detached' from my laptop/phone because I want to keep track with (primarily) work emails coming from different time zones.

 

I think two of you are just difficult communicators, I don't really see a bigger issue here.

 

Also moving in after 6 months is early but not "extreme". I'd also go against the notion that doing it out of convenience is terrible - for me it was a pain in the neck to move overnight bags and neglect my pet to be able to stay with my BF some nights. I'm much happier now that we share an apartment (btw it is not marriage / joined mortgage, just a living arrangement that can be terminated fairly easy, like one with 'plain' roommates)

 

Yes, I think you might be right! I was thinking today that he might just not be in need of a constant communication and date plans for us, so it doesn't come up in his mind to make them. Also, he seems like a one-trick-pony to me, who's unable to multitask - if he's focused on one thing, nothing else is on his mind. Besides, he barely sleeps. Like 2-4 hourse a day. Always working, studying, reading.

 

I don't think moving in out of convenience is such a terrible thing either, got a bit confused and started doubting if I'm wrong after reading the responses! Me and my guy live 1,5 h apart from each other, he is the one always carrying a huge bag packed with his stuff, coming over to me right after school and it just feels like such a waste of time. I kinda feel like he is barely making things in time and has to work at my place instead, making our time together less of a quality time.

[Leigh 87]

I'm a broke student.....

 

I still go out of my way to do things that show my bf I like to spoil him....

 

Obviously I need to save the little money I can towards ny future graduation. But I do on monetary things such as:

 

-keep the house clean (he knows that I HATE cleaning and will hire a maid the second I am in full time professional job).

- back tickles: he absolutely loves them. I give them to him daily. He is in seventh heaven.

- blow jobs. I have never enjoyed blow jobs not even when the chemistry ans attraction is through the roof. They are something that I do for him. I enjoy making him feel good.

I also buy ingredients from the cheap grocery store. Things on special even...and cook him dinners. With cheap champagne.

 

My bf is also on a low wage for Australian standards. Yet he pays full rent and gets me groceries even though I insist on buying my own (I'll go walk the the local store and get my oan veggies and salads and just accspt fhe staples he buys).

 

Hs also saves everything he has so that he can treat me occasionally. He hates dinners out unless it's a totally exclusive venue (as they tend to have less people and he gets social anxiety) so instead of dates he cooks me cheap dinners, brings home champagne and chocolates and flowers occasionally and treats me to a nice dress or skirt or charm for my Pandora bracelet.

 

It can't be one sided. My bf and I are poor. Yet we spoil each other. I am doing a degree that is extremely competitive where I need to graduate top of my class if I want to get anywhere. I am stressed out of my mind about the over saturated employment market for podiatrists here..... I am going to spend 6am to late at night studying when college starts back up.

 

But I'll still make time to do special things for him...despite being poor and studying constantly.

 

SOMETHINGS gotta give. You can't act like the guys mother in showering him with kind acts only to be greated with benign indifferent. Yes he nay smile and say ohh thanks love. If COURSE he enjoys l getting and not giving! Why? Becasue he is a selfish prik.

 

Sorry but people like him actually really auta be ashamed of themselves. I was bought up to feel uncomfortable when someone would make kind offers of love and affection only for me to not return the sentiment. I was taught that it is polite to return nice acts of kindness. Even to people who I may not like all that much.

 

So either he : is meh about you or he is genuinely too broke to spend any money on you at all. But wait, he eats? So why can't he ore plan at home dinner dates where he cooks for two? That won't kill him for 1 night every so often?

 

It is in a mans nature to want to provide and spoil a woman when he is REALLY smitten.

 

There is a small subset of men who aren't romantic or into treating their women. But most men WILL be dying to spoil the women they fall hard for in in one way or another. And it does NOT have to be monetary or expensive. My bf spoils me with physical and verbal affection, spending quality time with me and the occasional dinner at a fancy restaurant. He more often cooks for me a couple times on a weekly basis.

 

So ya. Poor couple here. We both still pocess the urges to wsnt to spoil each other albeit with non money ways or with cheap at home meals...

[Leigh 87]

In my opinion, he knows you lack self respect and is inadvertently using you....

 

I would have told him to get stuffed after he mentioned that he would dote in his exes and spoil them and not me. Loser!

 

Men don't set out to use women. Mostly. They don't CONSCIOUSLY think to themsleves " well I am not head over heels for this girl and I don't exactly feep like going all out and spoiling her the way I did fid those exes whom I was more into; but this girl is easy, does things for ms abd potentially will shoulder the burden when I move in and become unemployed again.... so she'll do for now. I may meet the love of my life but maybe not"

 

My ex did sweet fck all for me:rolleyes:

 

He didn't think he was using me when he went out drinking with his friends every Fri and Saturday and had me drive 1 hour to pick his drunk ass up at 3 or 4 am. He would always be so cute with me and happy to see me after all. Well duh, now I can see: of COURSE he was thrilled to see me! I bent over backwards for him and he didn't ever have to do a THING for me to show effort or appreciation

 

Men don't set out to be heartless users. They just date someone that doesn't inspire great romance within them and gladly accept gifts and nice things from said girls.....

[Lorenza]

In my opinion, he knows you lack self respect and is inadvertently using you....

 

I would have told him to get stuffed after he mentioned that he would dote in his exes and spoil them and not me. Loser!

 

Men don't set out to use women. Mostly. They don't CONSCIOUSLY think to themsleves " well I am not head over heels for this girl and I don't exactly feep like going all out and spoiling her the way I did fid those exes whom I was more into; but this girl is easy, does things for ms abd potentially will shoulder the burden when I move in and become unemployed again.... so she'll do for now. I may meet the love of my life but maybe not"

 

My ex did sweet fck all for me:rolleyes:

 

He didn't think he was using me when he went out drinking with his friends every Fri and Saturday and had me drive 1 hour to pick his drunk ass up at 3 or 4 am. He would always be so cute with me and happy to see me after all. Well duh, now I can see: of COURSE he was thrilled to see me! I bent over backwards for him and he didn't ever have to do a THING for me to show effort or appreciation

 

Men don't set out to be heartless users. They just date someone that doesn't inspire great romance within them and gladly accept gifts and nice things from said girls.....

 

Thanks for your answer and your relationship seems very sweet! But it's not how you put it - he's not some loser and definitely doesn't use my insecurity (though I think he enjoys being spoiled by me too much without coming up with the idea that he should reciprocate by making some plans for us too. He's very affectionate though. And... very spaced out. Forgetful). This is a person who survived cancer and brough his family out of poverty, so he really doesn't have any evil intentions, just so painfully clueless and confusing with his actions or lack of actions. I think that maybe people don't always communicate their feelings in the same way. Maybe the way your boyfriend spoils you is not the only example of how things should be, I don't know. The only thing I know me and my bf are not on the same level and he doesn't invest into the relationship the way I want to. Probably I will just have to face my anxiety and talk to him, as someone adviced - despite all the hyperventilation and difficulty speaking.

But he is nooooot evil, manipulating or an ahole - no no no no, he's a good person.

[Lorenza]

In my opinion, he knows you lack self respect and is inadvertently using you....

 

I would have told him to get stuffed after he mentioned that he would dote in his exes and spoil them and not me. Loser!

 

Men don't set out to use women. Mostly. They don't CONSCIOUSLY think to themsleves " well I am not head over heels for this girl and I don't exactly feep like going all out and spoiling her the way I did fid those exes whom I was more into; but this girl is easy, does things for ms abd potentially will shoulder the burden when I move in and become unemployed again.... so she'll do for now. I may meet the love of my life but maybe not"

 

My ex did sweet fck all for me:rolleyes:

 

He didn't think he was using me when he went out drinking with his friends every Fri and Saturday and had me drive 1 hour to pick his drunk ass up at 3 or 4 am. He would always be so cute with me and happy to see me after all. Well duh, now I can see: of COURSE he was thrilled to see me! I bent over backwards for him and he didn't ever have to do a THING for me to show effort or appreciation

 

Men don't set out to be heartless users. They just date someone that doesn't inspire great romance within them and gladly accept gifts and nice things from said girls.....

 

I mean the relationship you described in the previous message, not this one, hihihih...

[Leigh 87]

Here I disagree. Romance is sweet but is not the only reason why people want relationships. I think teaming up, companionship, attraction are all legit reasons to be with someone.... I feel like romance as driving force is just overly admired in our society, letting us forget the rest.

 

Plus, in OP's case I think it is more communication style (love 'language') than anything else. I'm like him (eg laptop at night) and it really never correlated with my level of interest... Maybe more with habits, and some anxiety.

 

Fair points.

 

Except romance happens to be the driving force behind the motivation to even have a relationship.

 

I had several high earning men that loved to spoil me, want relationships with me. I was attracted to them too. I even had a lot in common with them and loved their personalities. If romance and passion weren't driving forces for me, I would have totally dated them. They were all great catches. Most women would have snapped them up!

 

I know that many women and men for that matter, do need the spark and the "in love" feelings that romance brings in order to be motivated to make an effort.

 

One guy once said that he broke it off with his gf because he felt like he was wasting his money on the obligatory romantic gestures; his heart didn't drive him to WANT to treat this woman to nice things, even occasionally. It was pragmatic and not romantic.

 

The same guy wanted to go all out and spoil my friend who he was genuinely infatuated with. Yes, infatuation isn't enough of a solid basis from which to build relationships up from..but that rush of romance SHOULD still be there in addition to the non romantic cornerstones of a relationship such as compatability and mutual respect.

 

It isn't India... people generally prefer romance driven relationships rather than the pragmatic arranged marriages that are chosen by the parents based in their cast system,occupation and all that jazz.

 

Most self respecting women in the OPs should would walk by now. Most of us need to be romanced... for a guy to show the signs that he is smitten. ...

[lana-banana]

The only thing I know me and my bf are not on the same level and he doesn't invest into the relationship the way I want to

 

This is the only part that matters. When you invest more than you receive in a relationship, it creates all kinds of latent expectations and resentments. You owe it to both your boyfriend and yourself to communicate your opinions. If he still doesn't step up, you need to walk away for your own good. Life is too short to spend loving someone who ultimately doesn't love you the same way.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks for your answer and your relationship seems very sweet! But it's not how you put it - he's not some loser and definitely doesn't use my insecurity (though I think he enjoys being spoiled by me too much without coming up with the idea that he should reciprocate by making some plans for us too. He's very affectionate though. And... very spaced out. Forgetful). This is a person who survived cancer and brough his family out of poverty, so he really doesn't have any evil intentions, just so painfully clueless and confusing with his actions or lack of actions. I think that maybe people don't always communicate their feelings in the same way. Maybe the way your boyfriend spoils you is not the only example of how things should be, I don't know. The only thing I know me and my bf are not on the same level and he doesn't invest into the relationship the way I want to. Probably I will just have to face my anxiety and talk to him, as someone adviced - despite all the hyperventilation and difficulty speaking.

But he is nooooot evil, manipulating or an ahole - no no no no, he's a good person.

 

My ex wasn't a crappy person either.

 

He was hugely empathetic, he loved dogs and had two small dogs despite his blue collar mates ridiculing him, and he slept with them in his arms; he cuddled them in his arms in bed at night.

He felt depressed over stray dogs overseas and wantedto start a foundation that saved them if he got rich.

He would step in if he saw a stranger getting abused. He wasa kind and caring young man.

 

The issue wasn't that he lacked empathy and was a stone cold sociopath.

 

He just wasn't that into me. He wasn't in love. The romance wasn't there. I was his care taker, I took I on the role his late mother once had. His mother died shortly before meeting me.

 

Although many men aren't the romantic type...your love language seems to be acts of service and gifting whereas he isn't that way inclined OR, he is too poor....Why then, did he lavish his exes with gifts if gifting and acts of service are not in fact, his thing? Surely if you truly got his motors running, he'd feel the neex to similarly spoil you too but in free or inexpensive ways?

[Lorenza]

 

Most self respecting women in the OPs should would walk by now. Most of us need to be romanced... for a guy to show the signs that he is smitten. ...

 

Ok, this kinda goes a bit too far, sorry. No need to assume I don't respect myself just because I don't give up on someone right away. I do have some insecurities as everyone, but there are a 100 things I like about that person which makes me stay, not lack of self respect.

[katiegrl]

Thanks for your answer and your relationship seems very sweet! But it's not how you put it - he's not some loser and definitely doesn't use my insecurity (though I think he enjoys being spoiled by me too much without coming up with the idea that he should reciprocate by making some plans for us too. He's very affectionate though. And... very spaced out. Forgetful). This is a person who survived cancer and brough his family out of poverty, so he really doesn't have any evil intentions, just so painfully clueless and confusing with his actions or lack of actions. I think that maybe people don't always communicate their feelings in the same way. Maybe the way your boyfriend spoils you is not the only example of how things should be, I don't know. The only thing I know me and my bf are not on the same level and he doesn't invest into the relationship the way I want to. Probably I will just have to face my anxiety and talk to him, as someone adviced - despite all the hyperventilation and difficulty speaking.

But he is nooooot evil, manipulating or an ahole - no no no no, he's a good person.

 

Lorenza -- If he didn't dote on is ex's....buying them expensive gifts, taking them out, etc., I might be inclined to agree with what you wrote above.

 

However, that is not the case, he DID dote on his ex's....so we KNOW he has it in him to behave this way.....when, as Leigh said, he is inspired to do so.

 

For some reason, he does NOT feel inspired to do so with you....he does not feel inspired to give to you. He is more than comfortable taking....but not giving.

 

What does this tell you? Take off blinders and really see him for who he truly is with you....not how you perceive him to be based on YOUR feelings for him, or how he treats others (his ex's).

 

I am with Leigh on this one. If he wasn't giving to me...but told me he was giving to ex's....I would probably kick him to the curb.

 

Just me.

[Leigh 87]

This is the only part that matters. When you invest more than you receive in a relationship, it creates all kinds of latent expectations and resentments. You owe it to both your boyfriend and yourself to communicate your opinions. If he still doesn't step up, you need to walk away for your own good. Life is too short to spend loving someone who ultimately doesn't love you the same way.

 

I had to communicate to my boyfriend something similar. .early on in the fledgling relationship.

 

He wouldn't take me out on dates. ... yet the way he looked at me and all other signs pointed to him falling for me..

 

I need a man that has the tendency to spoil me and while I did feel spoilt with heavy displays of physical and verbal affirmations and quality time spent together, I felt a bit cheap that he hada full time job yet would only want fo go buy food and cook it for us. Or get the occasional Woodfried pizza. His treat of course.

 

So rather than coning on here, I discussed it with him. I said that I felt cheap and unworthy ib that he never took ms out on dates in order to court me.

 

He said it was a fair observation and wenton to explain himself. He has been diagnosed with social anxiety and hates eating out unless it is a super expensive establishment that has few diners and absolutely top notch food to make being out in public worthwhile.

 

He also, embarrassingly, revealed his full time wage. The guy was living pay check to pay check. He did remind me of the 500 he sent me whilst overseas. Just because. And the overtime he took at work so that he could surprise me at the airport with a 1000 dollar plus romantic get away (literally straight from thr airport after 16ht flight to a deluxe hotel)

 

Too bad I contracted a virus from Bolivia and was passed out asleep or on the toilet the entire time:lmao:

 

So when I felt indignant over the fact that there were never any official dates early on, causing ne to feel as though I just wasn't worth it, I discussed it with him and came to a peaceful resolution. It turned out, the guys dating style and income dictated that he prefered to save for over a month at a time towards something fancy as opposed to the obligatory dates out in the early stages. He knew he couldn't afford both... it was either dates out to low range or mediocre restaurants or less frequent trips to the finest restaurants or hotels.

 

The OP needs to discuss with her bf her dating style vesus his prefered methods of dating. A man that isn't into spoiling me won't make me feel special. I am very generous and need a generous partner.

 

The OP seems generous while her partner is either too poor or just not motivated by her......

[katiegrl]

When you invest more than you receive in a relationship, it creates all kinds of latent expectations and resentments. You owe it to both your boyfriend and yourself to communicate your opinions. If he still doesn't step up, you need to walk away for your own good. Life is too short to spend loving someone who ultimately doesn't love you the same way.

 

This ^^

 

(ten characters)

[preraph]

Honestly, the thing that stands out in your post is "he hardly ever buys you anything." Why should he be regularly buying you things? I see you say you buy tickets and things. You say he's had a hard time of it and is working hard. I think maybe you're trying to live beyond his means and he's not comfortable with it. I honestly don't know many just regular guys who would be comfortable being expected to keep up with someone who wanted to buy gifts for no reason and spend money like that. He may be avoiding simply because you expect too much in the way of money spending. I feel you set the pace there, not him.

[Leigh 87]

Lorenza -- If he didn't dote on is ex's....buying them expensive gifts, taking them out, etc., I might be inclined to agree with what you wrote above.

 

However, that is not the case, he DID dote on his ex's....so we KNOW he has it in him to behave this way.....when, as Leigh said, he is inspired to do so.

 

For some reason, he does NOT feel inspired to do so with you....he does not feel inspired to give to you. He is more than comfortable taking....but not giving.

 

What does this tell you? Take off blinders and really see him for who he truly is with you....not how you perceive him to be based on YOUR feelings for him, or how he treats others (his ex's).

 

I am with Leigh on this one. If he wasn't giving to me...but told me he was giving to ex's....I would probably kick him to the curb.

 

Just me.

 

I mean how difficult is it to spoil someone?

 

I just need to spend a few dollars on beer, and give him back rubs while he watches tv.... hardly expensive or deluxe.

 

I actually nearly kicked my partner to the curb! He accidentally said that he did takehis ex out for dinner ---- whcih infuriated me since he never did for md initially.

He obviously explained himself and pointed out that he didn't have social anxiety ten years ago, he's changed since that time and he did in fact spend 1000s on me, but just with fancy occasional dinners as opposed to weekly dates he used to be geared for.

 

Maybe OPs bf meant that when he has moneyhe acted accordingly?

Just playing Devils advocate. Because my bf has bad social anxiety and took his ex out anddidn't with me for the first 3 weeks. Because his anxiety wasn't as prevalent back then.

Plus my bf has splashed out on me heaps by the 6 month mark..

 

There IS a slight chance that the OPs guys way of showing romance is through money. Which he doesn't have right now. Maybe he just was never the type to be more creative with cheaper gifts.

 

I am not sure how broke he is... my bf is low income and pays our expensive rent yet once every 2 months he has gone out and treated me to clothes....cos he knows dresses make me so happy lol. And while my low income bf cannot afford regular stuff, he has gotteb me chocolates and cheap champagne as a surprise. Cheap and very thoughtful.

 

My bf was broke on my birthday. He spent his last 20 on me buying me flowers chocolates and champagne and treated me in the bedroom lol. My bfay was separate to that other time he got cheap champagne and flowers. ..

[Leigh 87]

Yes, I think you might be right! I was thinking today that he might just not be in need of a constant communication and date plans for us, so it doesn't come up in his mind to make them. Also, he seems like a one-trick-pony to me, who's unable to multitask - if he's focused on one thing, nothing else is on his mind. Besides, he barely sleeps. Like 2-4 hourse a day. Always working, studying, reading.

 

I don't think moving in out of convenience is such a terrible thing either, got a bit confused and started doubting if I'm wrong after reading the responses! Me and my guy live 1,5 h apart from each other, he is the one always carrying a huge bag packed with his stuff, coming over to me right after school and it just feels like such a waste of time. I kinda feel like he is barely making things in time and has to work at my place instead, making our time together less of a quality time.

 

 

That's kind of sad.

 

I moved in with my bf way faster than is recommended.

 

6 months in and we hve been living together for a couple of months.

 

We did it because we couldn't fathom weekends only. We thought what we had sas special and just wanted to makethe absolute most out of it.

 

I don't sense much romantic passion from his end.... he should be speaking in terms of "I just hate being apart from you " and "it just feels way too good to fall asleep and wake up beside you"

[katiegrl]

Honestly, the thing that stands out in your post is "he hardly ever buys you anything." Why should he be regularly buying you things? I see you say you buy tickets and things. You say he's had a hard time of it and is working hard. I think maybe you're trying to live beyond his means and he's not comfortable with it. I honestly don't know many just regular guys who would be comfortable being expected to keep up with someone who wanted to buy gifts for no reason and spend money like that. He may be avoiding simply because you expect too much in the way of money spending. I feel you set the pace there, not him.

 

As we have been saying....this would NOT be an issue had he not made it a point to tell her that he DID buy expensive gifts for his ex's.

 

IMO that's a slap in the face to the OP.

 

His ex's were good enough to splurge on once in awhile but not her?

 

It's not about the gifts. It's about how he gives the OP less (much less) than he did his previous girlfriends. Why?

[Leigh 87]

As we have been saying....this would NOT be an issue had he not made it a point to tell her that he DID buy expensive gifts for his ex's.

 

IMO that's a slap in the face to the OP.

 

His ex's were good enough to splurge on once in awhile but not her?

 

It's not about the gifts. It's about how he gives the OP less (much less) than he did his previous girlfriends. Why?

 

Was he a student then?

 

Maybe he had more money?

 

My bf felt strongly about explaining himself to me after his ex comment because he needed to make it known that it wasn't as crass as it sounded. . He could sense that I was less than impressed and did everything he could to ensure I was okay with his comment and didn't take it the wrong way.

 

I find it hard to believe that he willingly declared " well I used to spoil my exes. .but don't bother too much with you"

 

Perhaps he meant it in the context of his pre studying days?

 

My bf meant his comment in the context of his pre anxiety, higher earnings days...... where he wasn't phased by going out and didn't have to save in order for a night out. I've been with him for long enough now to have had him prove that he spoils me more now, albeit in his own way and with his lower income where he has to pre plan treats at least a month in advance. ....

 

Could that comment regarding him spoiling his exes and not the OP have been misunderstood by us readers?

[katiegrl]

Was he a student then?

 

Maybe he had more money?

 

My bf felt strongly about explaining himself to me after his ex comment because he needed to make it known that it wasn't as crass as it sounded. . He could sense that I was less than impressed and did everything he could to ensure I was okay with his comment and didn't take it the wrong way.

 

I find it hard to believe that he willingly declared " well I used to spoil my exes. .but don't bother too much with you"

 

Perhaps he meant it in the context of his pre studying days?

 

My bf meant his comment in the context of his pre anxiety, higher earnings days...... where he wasn't phased by going out and didn't have to save in order for a night out. I've been with him for long enough now to have had him prove that he spoils me more now, albeit in his own way and with his lower income where he has to pre plan treats at least a month in advance. ....

 

Could that comment regarding him spoiling his exes and not the OP have been misunderstood by us readers?

 

If she had not written this (below) in her original post, I might be inclined to agree with you.

 

Even when he comes over to my place, he spends a lot of time at his laptop either doing homework or learning something important. He is really focused on his goals and I'm trying to be supportive of that, but sometimes it makes me feel like a secondary thing in his life. Being so focused on his things, he often forgets his promises, forgets to pay me back or buy something he promised to buy. He never calls and doesn't answer my calls, so I just stopped. Most of the time it takes hours for him to answer to texts, but I got an impression he is really one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, so maybe it's that.

During those 4 months he barely ever got me anything (though I justify that, as he says, he having a tough time economically cause he studies and doesn't work like before) and he never initialized a plan, though was happy those times I did. I took him out on a concert, bought small gifts, made expensive dinners and generally was more keen on having plans together, while he is just utterly busy most of the time and we're meeting when it fits his schedule, though most of the time it's just us being at my place while he still has stuff to do on his laptop and can't be there for me 100%.

 

Sounds lovely. Not.

 

He's meh. Lazy and doesn't give a shyt.

 

JMO.

Edited January 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

Ask him for his Myers Briggs type - mine is INTJ and I act a lot like him. Also I think it is actually good that he's so focused on his studies. When I was doing my PhD I often joked I'm getting married to the academia (common expression in NL). He just sounds like an ambitious young guy (I wish I could do 2-4 hours of sleep now )

 

The one trick pony is ... about every hetero guy that I've met Nothing abnormal.

 

Regarding moving in ... It is a personal decision. For my current rationship - it was the right choice. What you described with inconveniences, i experienced the same. Just keep in mind to square out finances before moving in - who pays for what is the main source of friction. If you can be separately on the lease, i.e. each of you is responsible only for your own half, you're at minimal risk. You'd also discover much faster if you're compatible if you live together. Some initial friction over habits etc is almost inevitable, but you'll learn what your BF is really like:)

 

Yes, I think you might be right! I was thinking today that he might just not be in need of a constant communication and date plans for us, so it doesn't come up in his mind to make them. Also, he seems like a one-trick-pony to me, who's unable to multitask - if he's focused on one thing, nothing else is on his mind. Besides, he barely sleeps. Like 2-4 hourse a day. Always working, studying, reading.

 

I don't think moving in out of convenience is such a terrible thing either, got a bit confused and started doubting if I'm wrong after reading the responses! Me and my guy live 1,5 h apart from each other, he is the one always carrying a huge bag packed with his stuff, coming over to me right after school and it just feels like such a waste of time. I kinda feel like he is barely making things in time and has to work at my place instead, making our time together less of a quality time.