Is he just not as invested?

[katiegrl]

Ask him for his Myers Briggs type - mine is INTJ and I act a lot like him.

 

Really No_Go? You act like this (bolded below)? I am seriously surprised to hear that.

 

I was in school too (studying for my paralegal certificate) AND working full time when I was dating my boyfriend and I still managed to spend quality time with him and treat him with respect, courtesy and consideration. This has nothing to do with results from a Myers Briggs test. This is about respect, courtesy, and consideration AND basically just giving a shyt.

 

Apologies for being so blunt but come on now, all these excuses and attempts to justify his cold, uncaring and disrespectful behavior are just ridiculous IMO. People who care just don't act this way.... no matter how busy they are.

 

Even when he comes over to my place, he spends a lot of time at his laptop either doing homework or learning something important. He is really focused on his goals and I'm trying to be supportive of that, but sometimes it makes me feel like a secondary thing in his life. Being so focused on his things, he often forgets his promises, forgets to pay me back or buy something he promised to buy. He never calls and doesn't answer my calls, so I just stopped. Most of the time it takes hours for him to answer to texts, but I got an impression he is really one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, so maybe it's that.

During those 4 months he barely ever got me anything (though I justify that, as he says, he having a tough time economically cause he studies and doesn't work like before) and he never initialized a plan, though was happy those times I did. I took him out on a concert, bought small gifts, made expensive dinners and (I) generally was more keen on having plans together, while he is just utterly busy most of the time and we're meeting when it fits his schedule, though most of the time it's just us being at my place while he still has stuff to do on his laptop and can't be there for me 100%.

Edited January 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

First off, we don't know if OP's guy is not smitten. He sounds like he's nerdy, introverted, ambitious type. He may show his love in non typical ways.

 

Also, I'd totally agree with you about the spark when... I was in my 20s. Now at 31, I'm thinking back over the guys I was attracted to: mainly artistic/ non-traditional, people on the edge. Their uniqueness attracted me, and I'm sure I'd have had great romances with people like these... But they won't be father material neither a great partner for big financial decisions like real estate purchases.

 

It is more about style of communication than anything else in this tread...

 

 

Fair points.

 

Except romance happens to be the driving force behind the motivation to even have a relationship.

 

I had several high earning men that loved to spoil me, want relationships with me. I was attracted to them too. I even had a lot in common with them and loved their personalities. If romance and passion weren't driving forces for me, I would have totally dated them. They were all great catches. Most women would have snapped them up!

 

I know that many women and men for that matter, do need the spark and the "in love" feelings that romance brings in order to be motivated to make an effort.

 

One guy once said that he broke it off with his gf because he felt like he was wasting his money on the obligatory romantic gestures; his heart didn't drive him to WANT to treat this woman to nice things, even occasionally. It was pragmatic and not romantic.

 

The same guy wanted to go all out and spoil my friend who he was genuinely infatuated with. Yes, infatuation isn't enough of a solid basis from which to build relationships up from..but that rush of romance SHOULD still be there in addition to the non romantic cornerstones of a relationship such as compatability and mutual respect.

 

It isn't India... people generally prefer romance driven relationships rather than the pragmatic arranged marriages that are chosen by the parents based in their cast system,occupation and all that jazz.

 

Most self respecting women in the OPs should would walk by now. Most of us need to be romanced... for a guy to show the signs that he is smitten. ...

[No_Go]

Ok, I was referring to acting detached in some of their evenings together. Also I rarely initiate going out... I'm just not too much into social events/places.

 

I haven't paid attention to the bolded details by now - sounds bad... especially if consistent. Let's keep in mind though people come here when upset at their SO so single occasions get generalized in the heat of the moment..

 

Not responding to texts e.g. is not necessarily evil thing, some people don't pay attention). Again only OP can confirm but my gut feeling is that the guy is just introverted 'into his head' type and she's a little annoyed at him painting him with wide strokes...

 

Really No_Go? You act like this (bolded below)? I am seriously surprised to hear that.

 

I was in school too (studying for my paralegal certificate) AND working full time when I was dating my boyfriend and I still managed to spend quality time with him and treat him with respect, courtesy and consideration. This has nothing to do with results from a Myers Briggs test. This is about respect, courtesy, and consideration AND basically just giving a shyt.

 

Apologies for being so blunt but come on now, all these excuses and attempts to justify his cold, uncaring and disrespectful behavior are just ridiculous IMO. People who care just don't act this way.... no matter how busy they are.

[Leigh 87]

First off, we don't know if OP's guy is not smitten. He sounds like he's nerdy, introverted, ambitious type. He may show his love in non typical ways.

 

Also, I'd totally agree with you about the spark when... I was in my 20s. Now at 31, I'm thinking back over the guys I was attracted to: mainly artistic/ non-traditional, people on the edge. Their uniqueness attracted me, and I'm sure I'd have had great romances with people like these... But they won't be father material neither a great partner for big financial decisions like real estate purchases.

 

It is more about style of communication than anything else in this tread...

 

Not everyone wants to start a family. Kids aren't everything to everyone. It's 2016.

 

The op may want a great love story. Who knows.

 

All we have to go by is that her needs aren't being met. She obviously wants a guy who is quite taken by her and shows it, by the sounds of it.

 

And even if the guy is smitten, which I highly doubt, these types are no fun for women like us to date. I also need a guy to want to spoil me a bit and be super into me.

[katiegrl]

Ok, I was referring to acting detached in some of their evenings together. Also I rarely initiate going out... I'm just not too much into social events/places.

 

I haven't paid attention to the bolded details by now - sounds bad... especially if consistent. Let's keep in mind though people come here when upset at their SO so single occasions get generalized in the heat of the moment..

 

Not responding to texts e.g. is not necessarily evil thing, some people don't pay attention). Again only OP can confirm but my gut feeling is that the guy is just introverted 'into his head' type and she's a little annoyed at him painting him with wide strokes...

 

I respect your opinion and you're right, on its own, not responding to texts is not an evil thing.... BUT when you combine all of it together, the entirety of everything she posted in her initial post, everything I bolded (which I believe to be true, not based on something she was feeling in the heat of the moment).... it IS bad. Very bad. And any attempt to justify that type of behavior is a recipe for disaster - which will only result in her being hurt and heartbroken.

 

I think she knows it too...hence the title of this thread.

 

JMO but I think she deserves better....we all deserve better than that.

[Leigh 87]

The thing I've noticed about guys like him are: they tend to change if they meet the love of their lives and move mountains for that girl; they continue the same habits and only women with low standards settle for that kind of lackluster treatment OR they really are just inconsiderate in general.

 

But the fact the OP splurged on his exes is telling... either it was all an act to get into their pants or he DOES go all out for the women he's into.

[Lorenza]

As we have been saying....this would NOT be an issue had he not made it a point to tell her that he DID buy expensive gifts for his ex's.

 

IMO that's a slap in the face to the OP.

 

His ex's were good enough to splurge on once in awhile but not her?

 

It's not about the gifts. It's about how he gives the OP less (much less) than he did his previous girlfriends. Why?

 

He is apparently broke, paying off expensive loans. I finally asked him. He would buy stuff to his exes cause it was going well for his company and now he studies and hardly has time to take up new projects for his customers. So I'm just an ahole making him uncomfortable by investing more than he even can.

[Lorenza]

It's a good thing I wrote on this forum, while being angry and upset. The responses helped me understand that it's not so bad, especially not like some of you girls painted it (though of course thank you for taking your time to analyze it). Also, I dared to ask him how broke he really is and yeah, he's more broke than I thought. I don't mind that, cause I know he is not a slacker and he works super hard every day, barely even sleeping. I think it's true, what one of you said, that he is just a nerdy, introverted type who gets lost in his work.

 

The keeping promises thing was actually related to the fact that he's broke, so probably he can't buy the things he promised to or go out as he promised. And not answering calls/answering texts very slowly - yeah, it drives me crazy as hell, but I read that many guys don't give texting and calling significance. Maybe I just need to tell him clearly that I'd like to call each other on the days we're not meeting and that it upsets me to not have much contact during those days.

 

The thing is, before him I had a guy who would shower me in gifts, take me abroad, take me to cruises, restaurants, concerts - so it's new to me to have a guy who doesn't do those things. But you know what, the broke guy is the one who gives me genuine affection, tells me I'm perfect and never ever complains about anything I do, while the rich guy was constantly pointing out my flaws, telling me I need to improve myself to be on his level and so on.

So I should not think of getting gifts as a sign of love....

[No_Go]

JMO but splurging on a GF (or anybody else) when you're broke is ... not a savvy decision. At least for me BF splurging on me while on financial crunch will be a deal breaker. This will tell me he's irresponsible with his money.

 

What was done with the exes ... doesn't matter too much. It was before meeting her. Hopefully also the dude grew up and start planning his money / stop splashing.

 

Not to sound generic: this is my main concern with my own BF, that he spends too much, even if it is for me it bothers me because I picture him broke in retirement. That's why I'm sensitive on the topic

 

The thing I've noticed about guys like him are: they tend to change if they meet the love of their lives and move mountains for that girl; they continue the same habits and only women with low standards settle for that kind of lackluster treatment OR they really are just inconsiderate in general.

 

But the fact the OP splurged on his exes is telling... either it was all an act to get into their pants or he DOES go all out for the women he's into.

[katiegrl]

He is apparently broke, paying off expensive loans. I finally asked him. He would buy stuff to his exes cause it was going well for his company and now he studies and hardly has time to take up new projects for his customers. So I'm just an ahole making him uncomfortable by investing more than he even can.

 

No you are not an a-hole, and clearly your being more invested and interested than he is *not* making him uncomfortable.

 

It's just the opposite ....he's gotten *too* comfortable.....*too* complacent.

 

Please know this is not how a man who cares about a woman behaves ....and all the excuses in the world won't change that.

 

As I said, you deserve way better than the crumbs he tosses you when it suits him. I wish you could believe that too....and walk away.

 

Wish you the best.

[Zippy2000]

Thank you for the answer! Yes, we are boyfriend and girlfriend and that was "announced" quite early into the relationship - I met his family after only 1,5 months of dating and was introduced as his girlfriend, besides other things as facebook status etc. We even started talking about moving in together.

The thing that bothers me is that he had several ****ty relationships with girls who didn't appreciate his effort - one of them was even abusive towards him and that makes me think that he has decided to not invest too much to not get burned again so it gives me hope thinking that he will change when he sees I'm not the kind of girl his exes were. To be honest he still questions me sometimes saying things like he's afraid I will turn out to be an ******* to break his heart.

Am I being naive thinking he will change?

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Are you being naive he will change? Well he certainly isnt going to change unless you communicate to him how unappreciated you feel.

 

Now for you telling me about his exes sounds like youre justifying its almost okay for him to act this way to you. The thing is you are not one of his exes and things dont change you will be another ex.

 

He needs to start making an effort.

[No_Go]

In her last post OP did confirm though she wrote here in the heat of the moment.

 

Also for keeping promises she clarified it is money related - correct me if I'm reading correctly (I'm on the train LOL), but it sounds more like he says 'we'll go on xxx date event' and they don't - because he rans out of money and chickens out to admit to her that (he did later).

 

But I agree monitoring his behavior with that knowledge in hand may (or may not) reveal that he's not a good relationship material... Hard to say, it is 4 months only.

 

I respect your opinion and you're right, on its own, not responding to texts is not an evil thing.... BUT when you combine all of it together, the entirety of everything she posted in her initial post, everything I bolded (which I believe to be true, not based on something she was feeling in the heat of the moment).... it IS bad. Very bad. And any attempt to justify that type of behavior is a recipe for disaster - which will only result in her being hurt and heartbroken.

 

I think she knows it too...hence the title of this thread.

 

JMO but I think she deserves better....we all deserve better than that.

[No_Go]

I'd splash on my first BF like an idiot. Not on the current one... Because I just learned the value of spending/saving responsibly. I was not even thinking long-term with my 1st BF, now I do. Hense the different spending attitude. Nothing to do with who is better

 

As we have been saying....this would NOT be an issue had he not made it a point to tell her that he DID buy expensive gifts for his ex's.

 

IMO that's a slap in the face to the OP.

 

His ex's were good enough to splurge on once in awhile but not her?

 

It's not about the gifts. It's about how he gives the OP less (much less) than he did his previous girlfriends. Why?

[No_Go]

Hah, I'll say exactly the same in my 20s. I was all for the impossible romance.

 

Then I got a well payed job. Money merge if you get married. So a splurging BF will be wasting my own money in the future. Not a romantic take but true.

 

Kids of course are optional but keep in mind many women. switch opinions on that topic after 30... So it is good to keep the options open.

 

 

Not everyone wants to start a family. Kids aren't everything to everyone. It's 2016.

 

The op may want a great love story. Who knows.

 

All we have to go by is that her needs aren't being met. She obviously wants a guy who is quite taken by her and shows it, by the sounds of it.

 

And even if the guy is smitten, which I highly doubt, these types are no fun for women like us to date. I also need a guy to want to spoil me a bit and be super into me.

[katiegrl]

Respectfully disagree with your assessment No Go.... just more excuses.

 

And it's not about the gifts or the money. It's his general lack of effort with respect to his time, energy in general. Emotionally lazy. Complacent. His *meh* attitude toward her.

 

Her giving so much, and his inability or even desire to reciprocate. This is not the behavior of a man who cares.

 

Again, I think Lorenza deserves better...jmo opinion on that.

Edited January 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

Forums are just to hear opinions. Decisions are all yours:)

 

Just one thing: if you decide to move in: make a clear plan before it who pays for what, and that the sum of his part is within his budget. Beware of hidden costs (like heating if the winter is particularly bad), and calculate for the worse case scenario. His budget should still be able to cover his part of the expenses.

 

E.g. Each of us does 1/2 (rent+gas*+electricity*+Internet+groceries/supplies*)

The items with * are variable but you can get a track record of a few months and get the average and worse case scenario when you make the calculation.

 

It's a good thing I wrote on this forum, while being angry and upset. The responses helped me understand that it's not so bad, especially not like some of you girls painted it (though of course thank you for taking your time to analyze it). Also, I dared to ask him how broke he really is and yeah, he's more broke than I thought. I don't mind that, cause I know he is not a slacker and he works super hard every day, barely even sleeping. I think it's true, what one of you said, that he is just a nerdy, introverted type who gets lost in his work.

 

The keeping promises thing was actually related to the fact that he's broke, so probably he can't buy the things he promised to or go out as he promised. And not answering calls/answering texts very slowly - yeah, it drives me crazy as hell, but I read that many guys don't give texting and calling significance. Maybe I just need to tell him clearly that I'd like to call each other on the days we're not meeting and that it upsets me to not have much contact during those days.

 

The thing is, before him I had a guy who would shower me in gifts, take me abroad, take me to cruises, restaurants, concerts - so it's new to me to have a guy who doesn't do those things. But you know what, the broke guy is the one who gives me genuine affection, tells me I'm perfect and never ever complains about anything I do, while the rich guy was constantly pointing out my flaws, telling me I need to improve myself to be on his level and so on.

So I should not think of getting gifts as a sign of love....

[katiegrl]

Good luck Lorenza ....I truly hope this works out.

[Gaeta]

Lorenza how old are you and him?

 

What are your friends and family thinking of him? And of him moving in?

[Redhead14]

Originally Posted by Lorenza

It's a good thing I wrote on this forum, while being angry and upset. The responses helped me understand that it's not so bad, especially not like some of you girls painted it (though of course thank you for taking your time to analyze it). Also, I dared to ask him how broke he really is and yeah, he's more broke than I thought. I don't mind that, cause I know he is not a slacker and he works super hard every day, barely even sleeping. I think it's true, what one of you said, that he is just a nerdy, introverted type who gets lost in his work.

 

The keeping promises thing was actually related to the fact that he's broke, so probably he can't buy the things he promised to or go out as he promised. And not answering calls/answering texts very slowly - yeah, it drives me crazy as hell, but I read that many guys don't give texting and calling significance. Maybe I just need to tell him clearly that I'd like to call each other on the days we're not meeting and that it upsets me to not have much contact during those days.

 

The thing is, before him I had a guy who would shower me in gifts, take me abroad, take me to cruises, restaurants, concerts - so it's new to me to have a guy who doesn't do those things. But you know what, the broke guy is the one who gives me genuine affection, tells me I'm perfect and never ever complains about anything I do, while the rich guy was constantly pointing out my flaws, telling me I need to improve myself to be on his level and so on.

So I should not think of getting gifts as a sign of love....

 

Also, I dared to ask him how broke he really is and yeah, he's more broke than I thought. I don't mind that, cause I know he is not a slacker and he works super hard every day, barely even sleeping. I think it's true, what one of you said, that he is just a nerdy, introverted type who gets lost in his work. --

 

 

When does he see all this changing for him? -- Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Because if this situation is going to remain the same for years, you are basically going to be supporting this guy without mutual support from him even on an emotional level. Moving in is a bad idea. I don't care how much sympathy you have for him, you are going to be carrying the load for everything else that he can't help with.

 

Consider how you are feeling right now . . . imagine how it will feel if it goes on for another 6 months and likely even more . . .

 

he is just a nerdy, introverted type who gets lost in his work. -- If he's getting lost in his work, so are you.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza how old are you and him?

 

What are your friends and family thinking of him? And of him moving in?

 

I'm 27 he is 31. Just to clarify, we would move in to a new place, my contract is ending in 2 months and he is staying at his parents after his contract went out in December. He has enough queue points to get a first hand rental apartment in the big city (we both live in the suburbs, almost 2 h apart from each other, so it would be him fixing a place for us.

It's only my dad who got to meet him, since the rest of my family is abroad. It's the first boyfriend my dad has nothing against, to be honest. He hated the first 3. And I loved my bf family. Friends... tbh I havent seen my friends for a while, not that I have many. I'm a bit of a lone wolf, hehe

[No_Go]

Forums are all about respectful disagreements and sharing opinions:)

 

The guy is not the romantic type, definitely, which for some people will be a deal breaker, for others - not. I see people here getting worked up with FB statuses and text response times, for me personally that's irrelevant. My own deal breakers could be equally petty though. Eg I'm getting worked up by 'fun-loving' guys - I just can't maintain such a frequency of 'fun nights', it exhausts me.

 

It is good I think OP got contrasting opinions so she can think for herself what her wants and musts are.

 

Respectfully disagree with your assessment No Go.... just more excuses.

 

And it's not about the gifts or the money. It's his general lack of effort with respect to his time, energy in general. Emotionally lazy. Complacent. His *meh* attitude toward her.

 

Her giving so much, and his inability or even desire to reciprocate. This is not the behavior of a man who cares.

 

Again, I think Lorenza deserves better...jmo opinion on that.

[Redhead14]

The majority of the responders here have told her pretty much the same thing and one or two are encouraging her. But she is clinging to the one or two pieces that are what she wants to hear. This is akin to going to 10 doctors until she finds one that will give her the diagnosis she prefers to have rather than the correct one.

[No_Go]

Yeah but with doctor's opinion there is a measurable that can be evaluated (objective), and in her case it is about interpretation of romantic/dating style (subjective)

 

The majority of the responders here have told her pretty much the same thing and one or two are encouraging her. But she is clinging to the one or two pieces that are what she wants to hear. This is akin to going to 10 doctors until she finds one that will give her the diagnosis she prefers to have rather than the correct one.

[Redhead14]

Yeah but with doctor's opinion there is a measurable that can be evaluated (objective), and in her case it is about interpretation of romantic/dating style (subjective)

 

Theory application and results are the same: 8 subjective opinions telling her it's a bad idea, vs 2 subjective opinions that are encouraging.

 

That being said though, she is coming here for objectivity and sage advice. I for one, am probably one of the most 's(aged)' posters here Objectively, and with a bird eye view, we are telling her at the very least to re think all this. Give herself more time to observe and evaluate before moving in. Right now, she's not entirely happy. There's no harm in waiting this out a bit before making that decision . . . I can't imagine moving in with someone when they aren't making me happy and making me feel like a low priority. And, I would not make accommodations for them and take up all the slack in order to make it easier for them to fit me in. That's up to them. He might go along with it. Why not? She's still doing all the work and passively accepting his low level involvement which isn't going to change if they are living together. She's been staying at his house while he works on . . . that should be easier for him, right? Just like moving in together. It's a coin with two heads, heads she loses, heads he wins.

 

What she really should do is tell him that she would like to move in together, but before that happens he needs to demonstrate an effort to fit her in better, ask him what his long range plans are, and then observe whether he's making the effort to fit her in better and is actually implementing a plan for reaching his goal which should include being able to maintain and support a relationship.

 

I'm also trying to figure out what the rush is? It's only been four months and the quality is poor for her. She's hoping that moving in together will make it easier for him to become more invested in her. It's almost the same thing as a couple who's been having trouble and then getting pregnant to save the "marriage" . . .

 

Step back, tell him what you need and want and observe for a bit, that's all.

[Gaeta]

I'm also trying to figure out what the rush is? It's only been four months and the quality is poor for her. She's hoping that moving in together will make it easier for him to become more invested in her. It's almost the same thing as a couple who's been having trouble and then getting pregnant to save the "marriage" . . .

 

Step back, tell him what you need and want and observe for a bit, that's all.

 

I so agree.

 

The part that got me the most concerned is when he tells her he wants them to move in together and if he had the money he'd marry her. That is a lot of BS to convince her to move in together and I am afraid it worked on her. We will see her back here in a year complaining why he has not proposed yet.