Is he just not as invested?

January 28, 2016

The majority of the responders here have told her pretty much the same thing and one or two are encouraging her. But she is clinging to the one or two pieces that are what she wants to hear. This is akin to going to 10 doctors until she finds one that will give her the diagnosis she prefers to have rather than the correct one.

So what, am I supposed to go and breakup with him cause the majority of the posters made a negative "diagnosis"? I wrote here to hear what people have to say and think about it, not for my relationship to be condemned vs encouraged. I thought No_Go's opinion sounded reasonable since I'm also not quick to judge people and rather look into the reasons behind things rather than go and breakup with someone immediately. It's really good to hear everyone's opinions, but I have to take with a grain of salt since nobody knows me or my guy for real.

But it really made me think, i just need to wait a bit and see if he remains without initiative and if so, walk away

January 28, 2016

So what, am I supposed to go and breakup with him cause the majority of the posters made a negative "diagnosis"? I wrote here to hear what people have to say and think about it, not for my relationship to be condemned vs encouraged. I thought No_Go's opinion sounded reasonable since I'm also not quick to judge people and rather look into the reasons behind things rather than go and breakup with someone immediately. It's really good to hear everyone's opinions, but I have to take with a grain of salt since nobody knows me or my guy for real.
But it really made me think, i just need to wait a bit and see if he remains without initiative and if so, walk away

I think the majority of us told you to speak to him about your needs not being met and we told you to slow it down in terms of moving in together.

Time has a way of fixing things.

When in doubt you let time pass and 2 things will happen.

1. It will get worse

2. It will get better

You need to give time to a relationship to bloom or to crash. You're planning on moving in together and mixing your finances together when you have no idea if this relationship is meant to last.

January 28, 2016

I agree with most of your opinion.

OP mentioned issues with distance/logistics- those will be solved if they move in. She also likes frequent contact, he's not text/phone person - this issue will disappear once moving in because she'll see him daily. If it doesn't work - she'll just move out, it is not marriage, just being roommates.

Else I also highly recommend to square away 'who pays for what' topic before moving in, preferably having it in writing. Also ideally a lease on which each of them is responsible just for their half (some landlords do that). This could turn ugly if he's unable to cover his expenses.

What she really should do is tell him that she would like to move in together, but before that happens he needs to demonstrate an effort to fit her in better, ask him what his long range plans are, and then observe whether he's making the effort to fit her in better and is actually implementing a plan for reaching his goal which should include being able to maintain and support a relationship.

I'm also trying to figure out what the rush is? It's only been four months and the quality is poor for her. She's hoping that moving in together will make it easier for him to become more invested in her. It's almost the same thing as a couple who's been having trouble and then getting pregnant to save the "marriage" . . .

Step back, tell him what you need and want and observe for a bit, that's all.

January 28, 2016

she'll just move out, it is not marriage, just being roommates.

I assure you deep down OP doesn't see this as being room-mate but as their relationship moving to the next step. Once he gets a job she will then start expecting a ring, marriage and kids. She is heading toward 30.

January 28, 2016

You need to give time to a relationship to bloom or to crash. You're planning on moving in together and mixing your finances together when you have no idea if this relationship is meant to last.

Hell no for mixing finances before marriage. I think of cohabitation as more of a roommate arrangement - she pays her half, he pays his. Write separate checks to the landlord pr one pays, and other returns half.

2 hour commute between their homes is annoying at best... I can imagine that's why they think of moving in together early.

January 28, 2016

So what, am I supposed to go and breakup with him cause the majority of the posters made a negative "diagnosis"? I wrote here to hear what people have to say and think about it, not for my relationship to be condemned vs encouraged. I thought No_Go's opinion sounded reasonable since I'm also not quick to judge people and rather look into the reasons behind things rather than go and breakup with someone immediately. It's really good to hear everyone's opinions, but I have to take with a grain of salt since nobody knows me or my guy for real.
But it really made me think, i just need to wait a bit and see if he remains without initiative and if so, walk away

No one is saying break up, just put the brakes on. Get the relationship on good legs and with him demonstrating some effort at least before you move in.

January 28, 2016

And she'll be right to do so. I just think of it as a separate step, now they're just 4 months in so it is Wayy to early to think of life commitments.

I assure you deep down OP doesn't see this as being room-mate but as their relationship moving to the next step. Once he gets a job she will then start expecting a ring, marriage and kids. She is heading toward 30.

January 28, 2016

I assure you deep down OP doesn't see this as being room-mate but as their relationship moving to the next step. Once he gets a job she will then start expecting a ring, marriage and kids. She is heading toward 30.

Actually, I see moving in as a convenience, have moved 14 times during last 7 years and had to share apartments/houses with a loooot of people who got on my nerves. Moving in with someone close to me (even if it was a cousin or best friend) seems like heaven to me. I dream of either living alone (impossible, second hand rental apartments are waaay too expensive and I dont have enough queue points for first hand) or sharing the place with someone I could feel comfortable and free being around. I dont want to get married and hate kids. So yeah.

January 28, 2016

No one is saying break up, just put the brakes on. Get the relationship on good legs and with him demonstrating some effort at least before you move in.

I understand where you're coming from, I really do. But in a city where it's so damn hard to find a place and my options are scarce, teaming up with someone who can get an apartment (and whom i like spending time with) is too attractive of an option. If I dont move in with him in 2 months, I'll end up in a place where I'll pay twice as much for twice as little, and share with strangers. It sucks to have so few options

January 28, 2016

Actually, I see moving in as a convenience, have moved 14 times during last 7 years and had to share apartments/houses with a loooot of people who got on my nerves. Moving in with someone close to me (even if it was a cousin or best friend) seems like heaven to me. I dream of either living alone (impossible, second hand rental apartments are waaay too expensive and I dont have enough queue points for first hand) or sharing the place with someone I could feel comfortable and free being around. I dont want to get married and hate kids. So yeah.

Hon, that's my point exactly.

You don't know each other enough to survive moving in together at 4-6 months. Moving together is a test even for couples that have been dating for 2-3 years. There are endless threads on here of couples that have moved in together after 3-6 months and they find themselves out of love pretty quickly.

If this relationship is important to you wouldn't you want to put all the chances on your side to make it a solid and lasting one? If not, if you're the type to live one day at the time and what ever happens happens then ok.

January 28, 2016

No one is saying break up, just put the brakes on.

***Get the relationship on good legs and with him demonstrating some effort at least before you move in.

^^This.... he needs to demonstrate some effort here...come on now.

A women can't just go and uproot her life like that.... based on a wing and a prayer. Or on the *hope* that once she makes life *easier* for him, he will fall in love with her.

Making life easier never results in a man falling in love with a woman. It will only result in him becoming more complacent, and taking her for granted.

To the contrary, respecting herself, standing up for what she wants and needs, not tolerating lazy behavior ....might!

OP may have to learn this the hard way, which we all have.

Edited January 28, 2016 by katiegrl

January 28, 2016

Before my dad passed away ...he gave me some valuable information/advice about men and love.

Men are all about action and *doing*. And when the woman does all the work, and doesn't require him to *do* ....he gets lazy...and can fall out of love.

He needs to keep *doing* and "moving" toward his partner. It inspires him and motivates him to continue doing and giving, thus maintaining his attraction for her....and his love.

Don't ever allow a man to become lazy and complacent ....you doing all the work and him sitting back doing not much. Sure he likes it, why wouldn't he? But it doesn't inspire him or motivate him to want to move closer to you......emotionally or otherwise.

He needs action... he needs *to do* ...to *give*. In order to feel inspired.

Thanks dad for that great advice, it has really served me well over the years!

January 28, 2016

Before my dad passed away ...he gave me some valuable information/advice about men and love.

Men are all about action and *doing*. And when the woman does all the work, and doesn't require him to *do* ....he gets lazy...and can fall out of love.

He needs to keep *doing* and "moving" toward his partner. It inspires him and motivates him to continue doing and giving, thus maintaining his attraction for her....and his love.

Don't ever allow a man to become lazy and complacent ....you doing all the work and him sitting back doing not much. Sure he likes it, why wouldn't he? But it doesn't inspire him or motivate him to want to move closer to you......emotionally or otherwise.

He needs action... he needs *to do* ...to *give*. In order to feel inspired.

Thanks dad for that great advice, it has really served me well over the years!

Probably why OP's boyfriend worked his butt off to offer gifts to his ex-girlfriends. He felt he needed to keep up with the program to keep them.

January 28, 2016

Probably why OP's boyfriend worked his butt off to offer gifts to his ex-girlfriends. He felt he needed to keep up with the program to keep them.

Not so much to keep up with the program....but, contrary to how the OP is behaving, *their* behavior inspired him to *do* and to *give,* which he did.

There is a lesson to be learned by that, and it has nothing to do with gifts!

January 28, 2016

Probably why OP's boyfriend worked his butt off to offer gifts to his ex-girlfriends. He felt he needed to keep up with the program to keep them.

Yep, there are women who are high maintenance and then there are the low-maintenance ones. Finding one in the middle is the sweet spot. That being said, if he was with high-maintenance women before, it could explain why he's so broke now

Which brings up another question for me . . . what's different for him now compared to then? Did he have a better job with less stress and load? Or did he have the same job, etc., kept them happy by showering them with gifts and they were content with the gifts without having him be invested? Or, did he have the same job, same circumstances and made time for them. I guess he had time back then to go shopping at least.

Edited January 28, 2016 by Redhead14

January 28, 2016

Not so much to keep up with the program....but, contrary to how the OP is behaving, *their* behavior inspired him to *do* and to *give,* which he did.

There is a lesson to be learned by that, and it has nothing to do with gifts!

It has nothing to do with gifts per say but I see it as an effort + action + being giving. Offering a small gift means he paid attention to what she likes, he went out of his way to seek something and spent money. Offering gifts is his <love language>.

I wonder what is his love language now.

January 28, 2016

It has nothing to do with gifts per say but I see it as an effort + action + being giving. Offering a small gift means he paid attention to what she likes, he went out of his way to seek something and spent money. Offering gifts is his <love language>.

I wonder what is his love language now.

I wonder what is his love language now -- right now, he's a mute . . .

January 28, 2016

It has nothing to do with gifts per say but I see it as an effort + action + being giving. Offering a small gift means he paid attention to what she likes, he went out of his way to seek something and spent money. Offering gifts is his <love language>.

I wonder what is his love language now.

Oh I agree. All my boyfriends absolutely loved giving. And I am low maintenance! But they loved giving -- just the little things like planning a nice date, cooking dinner, coming home with a small surprise....as examples.

They also loved *my response* to their giving! The big smile on my face, me jumping into his arms telling him he's the best boyfriend ever -- how responsive I was in the bedroom!

It's like a dance ...and of course I would give and reciprocate ...but funny thing I noticed.... it made them more happy to do the giving! And my responding. Go figure!

January 28, 2016

Hah here we go, for me it was 14 times over 8.5 years (5 cities, 3 countries ), numerous roommates, trashy studios...

My 1st live in BF was a mooch (that's why I'm warning you for the money), but so were many of my platonic roommates. I can write a book of stories.

My current live in BF, besides not ideal as a partner, is the perfect roommate. Clean, normal bedtime schedule, considerate (noise etc), we split expenses at 50%. Even if we do not work out - we have a 2 bedroom apartment - I'll just move to the second room (that's worst case scenario but it is good to be prepared). Also the feeling that someone is waiting for you every night is quite nice. Every night I get home to a kiss and tasty dinner served I think I sometimes under appreciate him.

Also: the relationships that go sour after moving in are exactly the high-romance ones. Because hey, the prince/princess is a human and farts and snores, which you don't see on dates. It is kind of taking the piadestal, if you built one.

Another thought: different cultures look at moving in differently. In the US it seems like people think of it as a step to marriage. In Europe (the parts where I used to live at least), moving in is more than an act of convenience. Dutch do not even share groceries! Most of my coworkers used to keep shelves in the fridge separately from their BF/GF.

All said - just keep your expectations realistic, keep money separately and do what feels right for you.

Actually, I see moving in as a convenience, have moved 14 times during last 7 years and had to share apartments/houses with a loooot of people who got on my nerves. Moving in with someone close to me (even if it was a cousin or best friend) seems like heaven to me. I dream of either living alone (impossible, second hand rental apartments are waaay too expensive and I dont have enough queue points for first hand) or sharing the place with someone I could feel comfortable and free being around. I dont want to get married and hate kids. So yeah.

January 28, 2016

Don't you think 2-3 years of dating is excessive in late 20s or later? If they're 17, yes.

Another concern: relationships sometimes dissolve after moving in because you see the real person, not their dating "mask". If you can discover deal breakers in weeks in stead of years, isn't that good? Saves potentially time & attachment trauma.

Hon, that's my point exactly.

You don't know each other enough to survive moving in together at 4-6 months. Moving together is a test even for couples that have been dating for 2-3 years. There are endless threads on here of couples that have moved in together after 3-6 months and they find themselves out of love pretty quickly.

If this relationship is important to you wouldn't you want to put all the chances on your side to make it a solid and lasting one? If not, if you're the type to live one day at the time and what ever happens happens then ok.

January 28, 2016

Don't you think 2-3 years of dating is excessive in late 20s or later? If they're 17, yes.

Another concern: relationships sometimes dissolve after moving in because you see the real person, not their dating "mask". If you can discover deal breakers in weeks in stead of years, isn't that good? Saves potentially time & attachment trauma.

The truth is that those masks are dropped over time whether you live together or not. It is difficult to maintain the "false front" for very long. Some people do it longer than others, but they do drop. It's better to see "more" of the real them over time before moving in together. When they've become more exposed and the other person isn't put off, they move in together and are really only dealing with the adjustment to daily eblusions, living habits the more superficial aspects of the person rather than character flaws, financial irresponsibility, that kind of thing. Once you move in together, and you find that they are financially irresponsible, can't pay their part of rent, supplies, etc., you're kinda stuck for a while.

January 28, 2016

its' kinda like having a guy pick you up for a first date -- if the date stunk, you're stuck in the car with him on the ride home Personally, if it was that bad, I'd take a cab . . . but I always brought my own car anyway for the first couple of dates anyway.

January 28, 2016

Don't you think 2-3 years of dating is excessive in late 20s or later? If they're 17, yes.

Another concern: relationships sometimes dissolve after moving in because you see the real person, not their dating "mask". If you can discover deal breakers in weeks in stead of years, isn't that good? Saves potentially time & attachment trauma.

I think, ideally, it is better to discover dealbreakers *before* making that type of commitment... and for me moving in IS a commitment.

And frankly, based on what was stated in her original post, there are more than enough dealbreakers right there.

However, she has since stated this is a convenience thing ...for both of them. More like a roommate situation. To save money, less travel time, etc.

So my apologies! I misunderstood. Based on the title of this thread and her unhappiness per her original post ....I thought she was seeking more of an emotional investment from him. More love.

Apparently I was mistaken and this is about convenience, which is okay if that works for her.

January 28, 2016

Agreed with most.

- time scales are very different: e.g. my ex was alcoholic but I had no idea before moving in because he drinked at night (I just noticed his voice on the phone is different but never made the connection). I don't want to think of my life if I discovered that eg after getting married. I knew after days, not months that I need to drop him

- finances: 100% agree with you. Precaution for the rent and other big expenses is a must. I still feel like better stuck on a lease than in marriage )if you discover financial irresponsibility afterwards, (some people masterfully fake financial stability by 'bites', eg buying presents for their SOs or few expensive items for themselves)

The truth is that those masks are dropped over time whether you live together or not. It is difficult to maintain the "false front" for very long. Some people do it longer than others, but they do drop. It's better to see "more" of the real them over time before moving in together. When they've become more exposed and the other person isn't put off, they move in together and are really only dealing with the adjustment to daily eblusions, living habits the more superficial aspects of the person rather than character flaws, financial irresponsibility, that kind of thing. Once you move in together, and you find that they are financially irresponsible, can't pay their part of rent, supplies, etc., you're kinda stuck for a while.

January 28, 2016

I think, ideally, it is better to discover dealbreakers *before* making that type of commitment... and for me moving in IS a commitment.

And frankly, based on what was stated in her original post, there are more than enough dealbreakers right there.

However, she has since stated this is a convenience thing ...for both of them. More like a roommate situation. To save money, less travel time, etc.

So my apologies! I misunderstood. Based on the title of this thread and her unhappiness per her original post ....I thought she was seeking more of an emotional investment from him. More love.

Apparently I was mistaken and this is about convenience, which is okay if that works for her.

No, she's trying to make it convenient for him and create an environment that she hopes will make it easier for him to become emotionally invested in her . . .

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