[I was] Asked for a divorce

[MellyMel]

Thank you for writing back to me. This is exactly how I feel. Did you get divorced yet? I don't think I can go through this for 3 more years.

 

Not yet. Where I live, we have to be legally separated for a year (unless adultery and/or physical abuse occurred) before filing. He's been moving out his stuff for the past three weeks. I could never depend on him as a partner. If he said something would get done on Monday, it wouldn't get done on Monday. I didn't know it was going to get that on Tuesday or next Friday. As of next week, we will be legally separated so I can start focusing on myself.

 

Perhaps you can fly back home and stay for a while before you figuring out your next course of action?

[DevastatedDiva]

Not yet. Where I live, we have to be legally separated for a year (unless adultery and/or physical abuse occurred) before filing. He's been moving out his stuff for the past three weeks. I could never depend on him as a partner. If he said something would get done on Monday, it wouldn't get done on Monday. I didn't know it was going to get that on Tuesday or next Friday. As of next week, we will be legally separated so I can start focusing on myself.

 

Perhaps you can fly back home and stay for a while before you figuring out your next course of action?

 

I don't have a home to go to any more and I am 10 days into a new job. My new plan is:

 

Work out my probationary period which is 4 months.

This is an American company Headquarters in America.

Find an American role and transfer back.

This seems possible as the location I am working in has tons of Americans on 6 month and 2 years working visas. As I don't need a visa because I am a citizen and I have an lower senior management role (director) with a good education that if they like my work, I could have a chance.

I've also sent resumes out to American companies who operate globally and have had 1 interview Thursday. I'm not really qualified but they called me and I passed the first interview.

I am going to save all I can out of my wages (we get paid monthly here) for a lawyer and my new life.

I have about $48,000 in a US bank in my name without my spouse on it.

It would be good to have more as repatriation is expensive and I will have to wait for the house to sell to get my part of the money. I also have £9,000 in loans (our kitchen!) I own my 2 year old car which has 7,000 miles on it and is worth on the low side £8,000. I earn about £12,000/m before tax. About £7,500 net.

 

Need to figure out how to deal with my pension in this country. I've saved quite a bit.

 

If I transfer its the south (cheap to live)

 

If I potentially get this role I'm interviewing for (long shot) it's on the west coast which is expensive.

 

After reading over and over "emotional starvation, sexual neglect" I realise how I've been abused and for so long. No matter what my spouse does I have to try to save myself.

 

To be blunt: I've never been so afraid in my life.

 

The secret emailing and scheming has me completely in a spin. I have no idea what this person is capable of.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so terribly sorry. I'm English living in the USA. When my H threw divorce on the table (he was having an A) & the insane shock started to set in I realized how completely vulnerable I had made myself.

 

It's a horrible feeling to be all alone in a foreign country. I have 2 young children & serious health issues. I'm a stay at home Mum. I've desperately investigated employment I could get that would support me & my children but would be flexible enough to understand that I can't sit or stand for any length of time without collapsing & pay enough for childcare.

 

Feeling trapped & terrified, free falling into the unknown is truly horrific. I've never been so frightened in my life. I've made huge, life altering choices based on the permanence of marriage. DUMB!!

 

I too am planning on returning home. I know how hard it is after living so much of your life somewhere. My brother (only sibling) took his own life so I know what it's like to feel so very alone...when life falls apart I think it's instinctive to want to run 'home'. I'm just not certain that it will feel like home anymore.

 

The thought of being with anyone else after a lifetime with the same person is mortifying.

 

My H is infuriatingly, insanity making, passive aggressive. Walking on egg shells, being punished & guessing, sometimes for days/weeks what I've done wrong to deserve it is torturous at times.

 

I don't really have any help or advise. I just wanted to say "I know" & I'm so very sorry. I think your life will end-up better. I hope it does. Stay strong. Will you stay if he doesn't actually file for divorce? We are reconciling but I'm still moving back to England. I can't stay here. If my H leaves me once the kids are older with their own lives I could find myself going back to UK alone, to nothing & no one, leaving my kids here & that would kill me!

[DevastatedDiva]

I'm so terribly sorry. I'm English living in the USA. When my H threw divorce on the table (he was having an A) & the insane shock started to set in I realized how completely vulnerable I had made myself.

 

It's a horrible feeling to be all alone in a foreign country. I have 2 young children & serious health issues. I'm a stay at home Mum. I've desperately investigated employment I could get that would support me & my children but would be flexible enough to understand that I can't sit or stand for any length of time without collapsing & pay enough for childcare.

 

Feeling trapped & terrified, free falling into the unknown is truly horrific. I've never been so frightened in my life. I've made huge, life altering choices based on the permanence of marriage. DUMB!!

 

I too am planning on returning home. I know how hard it is after living so much of your life somewhere. My brother (only sibling) took his own life so I know what it's like to feel so very alone...when life falls apart I think it's instinctive to want to run 'home'. I'm just not certain that it will feel like home anymore.

 

The thought of being with anyone else after a lifetime with the same person is mortifying.

 

My H is infuriatingly, insanity making, passive aggressive. Walking on egg shells, being punished & guessing, sometimes for days/weeks what I've done wrong to deserve it is torturous at times.

 

I don't really have any help or advise. I just wanted to say "I know" & I'm so very sorry. I think your life will end-up better. I hope it does. Stay strong. Will you stay if he doesn't actually file for divorce? We are reconciling but I'm still moving back to England. I can't stay here. If my H leaves me once the kids are older with their own lives I could find myself going back to UK alone, to nothing & no one, leaving my kids here & that would kill me!

 

What a comforting message which made me cry for both of us, but at least I know I'm not the only one. I'm so sad for both of us.

 

There is no way I am staying here. I don't find people friendly, the amount of people here is unbelievable. You have to line up for everything, push your way onto tubes in the morning and evening, explosive tax, it's all too much. A flat share, just a double room anywhere near my job start at £800/pcm for a scary one, studio flat £1,500 and up pcm with no bills.

 

I just want someone to hug me. No one has touched me in Months that wasn't squashing me on a tube or lift.

[cja]

What a comforting message which made me cry for both of us, but at least I know I'm not the only one. I'm so sad for both of us.

 

There is no way I am staying here. I don't find people friendly, the amount of people here is unbelievable. You have to line up for everything, push your way onto tubes in the morning and evening, explosive tax, it's all too much. A flat share, just a double room anywhere near my job start at £800/pcm for a scary one, studio flat £1,500 and up pcm with no bills.

 

I just want someone to hug me. No one has touched me in Months that wasn't squashing me on a tube or lift.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I sympathize with you and can only say that though I don't understand your particular situation, I understand the emptiness, loss, regret and pain that divorcing brings. It's just excruciating at times and the feelings of rejection can be overwhelming and sometimes they can make me want to isolate myself. I've been separated over a year though only just now got the paperwork process started, and then there's MORE waiting on top of all the other mess. I found this article on loneliness that has helped me.

How to beat loneliness |

 

I've reconnected with family and some friends and am trying to get back into a yoga and meditation routine. It's hard. All I can say is find something that gives you some peace and do that. Don't be hard on yourself for setbacks as you've had years of living in an environment that was already so hard on you for so long. I've learned patterns of thinking are habits and they are hard to break. Those neural pathways are deeply entrenched after so long so be gentle on yourself. That's what I'm trying to do anyway, one day at a time. My thoughts are with you. Hugs, sorry it can not be a real one.

[DevastatedDiva]

Here I am at almost 2am and can't sleep.

 

I'm afraid to leave the house. What if I come back to changed locks? I'm scared if spouse leaves. What is up with that?

 

I'm trying to focus on planning but I need the money to be better. It will be best to have a job which not only will give me a salary, but might pay a small amount for relo. Most importantly it will provide much needed initial security. Some structure and direction. If I can't make a job materialise pretty quick (at my level that's funny because they like to interview you to death and if you can get an offer/contract the whole process from applying to contract criminal check, background check, credit check, drug check in America (not in England) is about 12 weeks on the Seattle job. The transfer would be quicker. If the Seattle job hits before probation ends it a 1 month notice, after probation I have a 3 months notice period. Inconvenient. I think I can transfer £1000 /pcm to my American account. So it looks like at least 3 possibly 5 months before I can move with a job.

 

 

£1,000 = $1426.90 * 5 = $ 7,134.50

 

My car will sell for £8500 = $ 12,128.68

 

I will find a way to save another $5000

 

Plus my American savings of $48,000

 

I will need to take a reconnaissance trip back which will be critical and close to the time to secure an address get a US drivers license, buy a car, leave it in the super long parking area at the airport finish everything here and gtfo. When the house sells, it will go under offer day one then take months to complete and all bills are paid, my share I figured out will be circa £425000 or $606,432 which will be enough to buy a small house or an apartment and get therapy so I can decompress.

 

Does anyone live in Seattle or Nashville? Anyone repatriate?

[MellyMel]

I don't have a home to go to any more and I am 10 days into a new job. My new plan is:

 

Work out my probationary period which is 4 months.

This is an American company Headquarters in America.

Find an American role and transfer back.

This seems possible as the location I am working in has tons of Americans on 6 month and 2 years working visas. As I don't need a visa because I am a citizen and I have an lower senior management role (director) with a good education that if they like my work, I could have a chance.

I've also sent resumes out to American companies who operate globally and have had 1 interview Thursday. I'm not really qualified but they called me and I passed the first interview.

I am going to save all I can out of my wages (we get paid monthly here) for a lawyer and my new life.

I have about $48,000 in a US bank in my name without my spouse on it.

It would be good to have more as repatriation is expensive and I will have to wait for the house to sell to get my part of the money. I also have £9,000 in loans (our kitchen!) I own my 2 year old car which has 7,000 miles on it and is worth on the low side £8,000. I earn about £12,000/m before tax. About £7,500 net.

 

Need to figure out how to deal with my pension in this country. I've saved quite a bit.

 

If I transfer its the south (cheap to live)

 

If I potentially get this role I'm interviewing for (long shot) it's on the west coast which is expensive.

 

After reading over and over "emotional starvation, sexual neglect" I realise how I've been abused and for so long. No matter what my spouse does I have to try to save myself.

 

To be blunt: I've never been so afraid in my life.

 

The secret emailing and scheming has me completely in a spin. I have no idea what this person is capable of.

 

You sound determined to find a way out of this. That's a massive step in the right direction. As someone who kept making excuses for his actions FOR YEARS, believe me when I say ...you will be fine. It's hard. It hurts...BUT it's time to look out for #1: YOU.

[oldshirt]

You haven't said anything that indicates he is going to toss you out on the street pennyless and broken in the immediate future so I don't see why you wouldn't be able to be methodical and start working step by step to secure your employment with the company and begin working on a transfer.

 

 

Your marriage has been passionless and dead for a long, long time so what's a few more months.

 

 

Unless you see your H packing up his stuff and seeing lawyers and looking for a new place to live etc, it doesn't sound like you are under the gun here.

 

 

And since there hasn't been any violence or maltreatment etc it's not like you need to flee under the cover of darkness.

 

 

To me it sounds like you have time to be mindful and methodical and start consulting with lawyers (on both sides of the pond) and accountants and officials at your company and start working on a divorce plan and plan to return to the states.

 

 

Your husband sounds pretty meticulous and methodical as well. At the rate you two are going it could be years before too much happens here.

 

 

This has been in progress for a decade, so why the rush now?

[testmeasure]

This is kind of par for the course but after lighting me up my spouse has not done one thing to actually start a divorce.

 

REALLY? An ACCIDENT? You have been in correspondence with my nutty family member and you FORGOT?

 

I'm so freaked out and betrayed and God knows what else. I've started to plan my escape back to America.

 

Well, on the divorce, we did stop to puzzle over the inconsistency with the counseling you guys had. So, maybe he was just using "divorce" to stir you up. Which is actually worse because, as you know from what you already experienced, this can go on for years.

 

The phone thing and learning about his communication with your family member both are fairly major things that lack plausible deniability for him to hide behind. Hopefully you benefited from getting some outside perspective here, right before you were handed two things that aren't so easily swept under the rug.

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

 

It might be important to talk to an attorney before making plans to leave the country. Maybe there are zero legal problems with you leaving the country in 3 to 5 months. But, with an asset as big as that house, I'd want to hear that from an attorney.

 

.

Edited January 24, 2016 by testmeasure

[DevastatedDiva]

You haven't said anything that indicates he is going to toss you out on the street pennyless and broken in the immediate future so I don't see why you wouldn't be able to be methodical and start working step by step to secure your employment with the company and begin working on a transfer.

 

 

Your marriage has been passionless and dead for a long, long time so what's a few more months.

 

 

Unless you see your H packing up his stuff and seeing lawyers and looking for a new place to live etc, it doesn't sound like you are under the gun here.

 

 

And since there hasn't been any violence or maltreatment etc it's not like you need to flee under the cover of darkness.

 

 

To me it sounds like you have time to be mindful and methodical and start consulting with lawyers (on both sides of the pond) and accountants and officials at your company and start working on a divorce plan and plan to return to the states.

 

 

Your husband sounds pretty meticulous and methodical as well. At the rate you two are going it could be years before too much happens here.

 

 

This has been in progress for a decade, so why the rush now?

 

Because the lightbulb has just gone off. It's about to be my bithaday, I don't want to live like this.

 

And my SPOUSE is SNEAKING around emailing my estranged family members behind my back. That's why.

[DevastatedDiva]

Well, on the divorce, we did stop to puzzle over the inconsistency with the counseling you guys had. So, maybe he was just using "divorce" to stir you up. Which is actually worse because, as you know from what you already experienced, this can go on for years.

 

The phone thing and learning about his communication with your family member both are fairly major things that lack plausible deniability for him to hide behind. Hopefully you benefited from getting some outside perspective here, right before you were handed two things that aren't so easily swept under the rug.

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

 

It might be important to talk to an attorney before making plans to leave the country. Maybe there are zero legal problems with you leaving the country in 3 to 5 months. But, with an asset as big as that house, I'd want to hear that from an attorney.

 

.

 

There are some other assets which I'm not sure how the court treats. Lawyers this week for sure.

[oldshirt]

Because the lightbulb has just gone off. It's about to be my bithaday, I don't want to live like this.

 

And my SPOUSE is SNEAKING around emailing my estranged family members behind my back. That's why.

 

I get that. You have valid reason to dissolve the marriage and move back to the US.

 

 

I am just saying you have time to be methodical and work through this piece by piece. As you said yourself, your H hasn't lifted a finger to start the divorce process.

 

 

That gives you the advantage. Start confronting him and arguing with him about it. Go on about your normal daily life as usual but start working with lawyers and accountants etc on the down low and get everything worked out to the letter before you have him served.

 

 

This might take months but that is ok because you two have been living like this for years and you are in no danger so there is no reason to not be methodical and do it right.

[DevastatedDiva]

I get that. You have valid reason to dissolve the marriage and move back to the US.

 

 

I am just saying you have time to be methodical and work through this piece by piece. As you said yourself, your H hasn't lifted a finger to start the divorce process.

 

 

That gives you the advantage. Start confronting him and arguing with him about it. Go on about your normal daily life as usual but start working with lawyers and accountants etc on the down low and get everything worked out to the letter before you have him served.

 

 

This might take months but that is ok because you two have been living like this for years and you are in no danger so there is no reason to not be methodical and do it right.

 

Well we had it out and in the middle of a grocery store I just had an empty plastic grocery bag thrown in my face.

 

So confronting and arguing doesn't really work.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well we had it out and in the middle of a grocery store I just had an empty plastic grocery bag thrown in my face.

 

So confronting and arguing doesn't really work.

 

I don't agree with confronting at this point.

 

You've been through marital counseling and his response is still to shut you down.

 

You've been sexless for over a decade.

 

Talking isn't working. And he's only confirmed that thousands of times.

[DevastatedDiva]

I don't agree with confronting at this point.

 

You've been through marital counseling and his response is still to shut you down.

 

You've been sexless for over a decade.

 

Talking isn't working. And he's only confirmed that thousands of times.

No kidding. I almost got my face slapped, instead it was a grocery bag. I'm humiliated and also afraid now.

[testmeasure]

No kidding. I almost got my face slapped, instead it was a grocery bag. I'm humiliated and also afraid now.

 

A large portion of the thread makes it sound like the main thing going on here is that you are living with an insensitive Asperger's person who hasn't been intimate for 10.5 years. In which case, what's the hurry?

 

The passive aggressive stuff you describe would be emotionally damaging. I don't think there is a clear picture in the thread of how frequent or constant stuff like the pasta story is.

 

When I described a constantly hostile and uncertain environment as creating shell shock (PTSD), or a state of constant fear and anxiety, you said it "rang true".

 

When I said the sight of my ex at a handoff would trigger me being sick to my stomach with fear and anxiety, you said "when I call home", which I took to mean you experience that when you have to call him at home.

 

Then you have this grocery store story.

 

It's starting to sound to me like there may be things going on that would make it understandable for you to want to get out as soon as reasonably possible.

 

Oldshirt has a point though, divorce isn't something where you hire a lawyer, push an autopilot button, and the rest happens on it's own. After you've talked to the lawyers, you may have a clearer picture of what he is saying.

 

Even if things have gone on the way they have for 10.5 years, suddenly now there is something different. Now, you have more awareness of the situation. My awareness of my situation skyrocketed about a month before separation. I played dumb and acted the same as I had been. Somehow I succeeded.

 

Over the course of the thread here, your environment sounds less hostile and angry than mine was. Now, you sound more nervous and anxious about getting out of there and escaping than I was. Of course, I was restraining my reaction for the sake of a child and I was playing dumb while waiting for her to file. In your case, you're the one who has to take the action.

 

If he discovers how you regard things now, how he would react? If he wasn't serious about divorce and discovers that you are seeing lawyers, how he would react? Only you know what you've been through and the kinds of things he does.

 

Find out from the lawyers what needs to be done and how long it's going to take. Ask them how to balance that with any fears or concerns you have about staying in the situation that long.

[oldshirt]

I don't agree with confronting at this point.

 

You've been through marital counseling and his response is still to shut you down.

 

You've been sexless for over a decade.

 

Talking isn't working. And he's only confirmed that thousands of times.

 

 

You haven't had any intimacy in decade, he's stated outright that neither of you are happy and he's stated he wants a divorce - what on Earth do you have to "confront" him about in a grocery store at all???

 

Why are you trying to argue with a man with aspergers in a grocery store?

 

If you aren't making headway in discussing your issues in actual counseling, what makes you think your going to resolve anything in the produce section??

[DevastatedDiva]

A large portion of the thread makes it sound like the main thing going on here is that you are living with an insensitive Asperger's person who hasn't been intimate for 10.5 years. In which case, what's the hurry?

 

The passive aggressive stuff you describe would be emotionally damaging. I don't think there is a clear picture in the thread of how frequent or constant stuff like the pasta story is.

 

When I described a constantly hostile and uncertain environment as creating shell shock (PTSD), or a state of constant fear and anxiety, you said it "rang true".

 

When I said the sight of my ex at a handoff would trigger me being sick to my stomach with fear and anxiety, you said "when I call home", which I took to mean you experience that when you have to call him at home.

 

Then you have this grocery store story.

 

It's starting to sound to me like there may be things going on that would make it understandable for you to want to get out as soon as reasonably possible.

 

Oldshirt has a point though, divorce isn't something where you hire a lawyer, push an autopilot button, and the rest happens on it's own. After you've talked to the lawyers, you may have a clearer picture of what he is saying.

 

Even if things have gone on the way they have for 10.5 years, suddenly now there is something different. Now, you have more awareness of the situation. My awareness of my situation skyrocketed about a month before separation. I played dumb and acted the same as I had been. Somehow I succeeded.

 

Over the course of the thread here, your environment sounds less hostile and angry than mine was. Now, you sound more nervous and anxious about getting out of there and escaping than I was. Of course, I was restraining my reaction for the sake of a child and I was playing dumb while waiting for her to file. In your case, you're the one who has to take the action.

 

If he discovers how you regard things now, how he would react? If he wasn't serious about divorce and discovers that you are seeing lawyers, how he would react? Only you know what you've been through and the kinds of things he does.

 

Find out from the lawyers what needs to be done and how long it's going to take. Ask them how to balance that with any fears or concerns you have about staying in the situation that long.

 

The passive aggressive stuff is every day. I do the taxes. They are due by the 31rst of January. Spouse has had the tax documents from work to give me for 2 months at least. Every 2 days I ask for them "it's in my email I will send tomorrow."

 

That day never comes.

 

My environment isn't usually outright yelling (hardly ever). It's the latent hostility. Pretending to answer me when nothing is vocalised, making me ask again to which I get, at a yell: "I Said YES!"

 

The leaving the car with no petrol.

 

In therapy, our therapist outlawed these two phrases "I don't know" and "I don't remember."

 

Example of pedantism :

 

I used to close phone calls to friends by saying "bye bye" Spouse told me: "don't say bye more than once. It annoys me."

 

It's literally every thing I do that has to be changed. I hate opening the front door of my house and walking into it.

[DevastatedDiva]

You haven't had any intimacy in decade, he's stated outright that neither of you are happy and he's stated he wants a divorce - what on Earth do you have to "confront" him about in a grocery store at all???

 

Why are you trying to argue with a man with aspergers in a grocery store?

 

If you aren't making headway in discussing your issues in actual counseling, what makes you think your going to resolve anything in the produce section??

 

 

Please read back through your posts in this thread. It was YOU who said "start confronting and arguing with him about it"!

 

I've lived with someone with Asperger's for over a decade. Where you decide to have a discussion with them is immaterial. I also wasn't trying to resolve my issues and he followed me to the store.

[oldshirt]

I get that. You have valid reason to dissolve the marriage and move back to the US.

 

 

I am just saying you have time to be methodical and work through this piece by piece. As you said yourself, your H hasn't lifted a finger to start the divorce process.

 

 

That gives you the advantage. Start confronting him and arguing with him about it. Go on about your normal daily life as usual but start working with lawyers and accountants etc on the down low and get everything worked out to the letter before you have him served.

 

 

This might take months but that is ok because you two have been living like this for years and you are in no danger so there is no reason to not be methodical and do it right.

 

 

Crap! That was a very bad typo or auto correct.

 

I couldn't understand why you were telling me to look through posts that I had said to confront him.

 

If you read through the rest of my post you can see that my bigger message was to STOP confronting and arguing about it and to quietly start planning your departure.

 

That was my bad and the opposite of what I was trying to say :-(

 

So anyway, my position here is I think its a dead horse and nothing left to argue about. My opinion and reccomendation is that you remain civil and a cooperative roommate untill you have your ducks in a row to have him served and make your departure to the US.

 

There is nothing to confront or argue about here. My apologies for the confusion.

[DevastatedDiva]

Crap! That was a very bad typo or auto correct.

 

I couldn't understand why you were telling me to look through posts that I had said to confront him.

 

If you read through the rest of my post you can see that my bigger message was to STOP confronting and arguing about it and to quietly start planning your departure.

 

That was my bad and the opposite of what I was trying to say :-(

 

So anyway, my position here is I think its a dead horse and nothing left to argue about. My opinion and reccomendation is that you remain civil and a cooperative roommate untill you have your ducks in a row to have him served and make your departure to the US.

 

There is nothing to confront or argue about here. My apologies for the confusion.

 

 

Thank you for saying sorry, I was all confused for a minute but willing to try anything!

[oldshirt]

Thank you for saying sorry, I was all confused for a minute but willing to try anything!

 

Sorry about that, but I guess you pretty much proved my point anyway in that confrontation and arguing are pointless.

 

Just consider that further evidence that your best bet is to start packing up and making preparations to move on.

[testmeasure]

The passive aggressive stuff is every day. I do the taxes. They are due by the 31rst of January. Spouse has had the tax documents from work to give me for 2 months at least. Every 2 days I ask for them "it's in my email I will send tomorrow."

 

That day never comes.

 

My environment isn't usually outright yelling (hardly ever). It's the latent hostility. Pretending to answer me when nothing is vocalised, making me ask again to which I get, at a yell: "I Said YES!"

 

The leaving the car with no petrol.

 

In therapy, our therapist outlawed these two phrases "I don't know" and "I don't remember."

 

Example of pedantism :

 

I used to close phone calls to friends by saying "bye bye" Spouse told me: "don't say bye more than once. It annoys me."

 

It's literally every thing I do that has to be changed. I hate opening the front door of my house and walking into it.

 

"It's literally every thing I do that has to be changed. I hate opening the front door of my house and walking into it."

 

I know this feeling.

 

My ex rarely yelled. 95% of the time her voice was within the range of ordinary conversation volume level. But, she had this hostile tone of voice. It was a deep dark hostility. Months after the divorce, I heard someone describe narcissistic rage as a combination of anger and disgust. That probably just about sums up what I experienced on a constant basis - anger and disgust.

 

My ex could find something wrong with anything I did. Every single thing she said was negative. From time to time I would point that out and she would tell me that she had complimented me 2 times or 3 times, or some specific number of times that day. It was always very low. I couldn't remember any compliments on any day. But each time I pointed out that everything was negative she had some specific, but low number of times she had complimented me already that day.

 

Finally I paid very close attention one day to everything she said and I caught them. After that, it was easy because I knew what to look for. Sure enough, she was making sure to compliment me 2 or 3 times every day. The thing was, she always made sure to compliment me on something that happened by accident, was an unintended consequence, or didn't turn out the way I intended. Not a single one of these compliments was ever for something I had achieved that I actually intended. So, that's why I would always get to the end of the day and feel like nothing that I had done had been recognized or complimented.

 

Every single child care thing I did was open to criticism down to the last detail. How much food, when, how long it was cooked, how long it was allowed to cool. The method by which I cleaned stuff. How I unloaded the dishwasher. What bowl or plate I used. How I changed a diaper, how often I checked. The order in which I did things.

 

Every little thing I did had to be changed. The way I did it was always wrong and I got to hear about it in this hostile tone of anger and disgust.

 

I tried and tried and tried to get things right. But she could still always find something wrong. I think, because I tried to accept the criticism and do things how she wanted, it got harder and harder for her to find something wrong. Finally one day, she was complaining about how something was organized, in a way that could not possibly been wrong. Why? Every time we used it, in order to use the thing, it ended up getting organized the way I had organized it. That's when I realized, if she can complain about that, she can complain about anything. In this particular case, she kept brining up the incident with hostile anger and disgust for an entire day. From that point forward, I became more and more aware of what was going on.

 

Prior to that, when I got out of the house, the darkness never really lifted. But after that, if I was able to get out briefly to go pick something up, it felt amazing just to be out and away from it. I think the awareness that what I was experiencing, was not my fault allowed me to put down the problems and set them aside when I wasn't in the environment. Then, I can remember the feeling of all of it coming back as I turned on to the street for the house on my way home.

 

 

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Edited January 25, 2016 by testmeasure

[testmeasure]

DevastatedDiva - you may not realize this, but I think from my experience here, after you make 10 more posts, you can send and receive individual private messages. So, keep posting.

 

I've got an answer to something you asked about that I don't want to post publicly. And, no, it's not a long "testmeasure" answer. It's a very specific narrow thing, which is why I don't want to put it public.

Edited January 26, 2016 by testmeasure

[DevastatedDiva]

DevastatedDiva - you may not realize this, but I think from my experience here, after you make 10 more posts, you can send and receive individual private messages. So, keep posting.

 

I've got an answer to something you asked about that I don't want to post publicly. And, no, it's not a long "testmeasure" answer. It's a very specific narrow thing, which is why I don't want to put it public.

i

 

 

I like the long posts they make me think. I will try to post some more.