Online Dating - The Good, The Bad, The Ridiculous

[hasaquestion]

I must say that the sheer number of men who are out for just cyber/skype sex on legitimate dating sites are far greater than those on the sex site I was a member of. The irony is baffling to me.

 

What the hell is "cyber sex" anyway? Is there a hole on my computer somewhere that I'm missing?

[Michelle ma Belle]

What the hell is "cyber sex" anyway? Is there a hole on my computer somewhere that I'm missing?

 

I'm going to assume you're joking but it did make me laugh

[MissBee]

I can't stand it when guys on OLD use terms of endearment like 'Dear', 'Sweetheart', 'Darling' or the like. It's presumptuous and condescending IMO. I had one just the other day ask if he could call me Goddess... At least he asked :-/ Mind you I'm chatting with another that calls me Mistress Sol; being a switch'n'all I don't mind that toooo much... But I don't date subs.

 

That also reminds me of another of my OLD pet peeves; guys that go on and on about looks. I'm gonna take the leap and assume that you find me attractive or you wouldn't be contacting me... So the incessant you're so gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, blah blah, is pointless and annoying!

 

On the age thing... I met a man last year for drinks. He told me he'd be the one with a rose. I said no rose necessary, just wave when I arrive... You'll recognise me as I look exactly like my profile pics. He responded that I'd recognise him too; just look for the Tom Selleck lookalike. He was indeed Tom Selleck's twin... his much older, balding, really thin twin. In fact, the similarities were limited to height and a moustache :-/ That's when I started asking for more pics before meeting :-)

 

These days most people have a smart phone, so when I was online dating I'd just ask if they had Snapchat or ask them to get it, that way we can send real time, short, video messages to each other, where it's much harder to hide how you look in a moving, talking, picture of yourself. I find that works a lot better to avoid surprises and if they make excuses I just cut them off then and there. Snapchat is such a great tool if you online date IMO, as being able to quickly see how someone looks on video, in real time, as opposed to some blurry picture or pictures that could be old or that they can doctor up, makes such a difference.

 

Shoot...dating websites need to offer that nowadays, where people's profiles are video introductions of themselves then they can add still photos. I'm surprised no site (I know of anyway) has that. I know Zoosk asks you to verify yourself through video, as an option, but other daters don't get to see the video, it's just for them to make sure you look like the pictures you've put up.

Edited January 25, 2016 by MissBee

[hasaquestion]

Shoot...dating websites need to offer that nowadays, where people's profiles are video introductions of themselves then they can add still photos. I'm surprised no site (I know of anyway) has that. I know Zoosk asks you to verify yourself through video, as an option, but other daters don't get to see the video, it's just for them to make sure you look like the pictures you've put up.

 

As someone who doesn't use dating sites (I find them impractical), I'm guessing part of the value proposition of the sites is that they don't have that much information. It makes the user feel like they have control over their image and empowered. The website being "easy" is their product.

Now, would your idea help efficiently allocate dating partners? Def. But its not good for business.

[Shining One]

Just some food for thought on the phone app topic. Many people have company phones and may have policies against application downloads. Others (this includes me) keep our active application count down to a minimum to preserve battery life and optimize performance.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Wouldn't that kinda suit you tho Michelle, being as this isn't so much a get-out-there type pursuit? (Assuming you could screen creepers lol.)

 

What do you mean?

 

If I wanted cyber fun, I'd go back to the sex site, at least most people there are straight up about what's what and there is a certain decorum and respect and code we play by on there.

 

Being on a dating site, I'm looking for something beyond that. Yes, I happen to have found both with my last partner but that was an anomaly I'm certain will never repeat again.

 

I'm not interested in adding more online lovers, I have plenty if/when I need them. I want something real, in the flesh be it short term or long term.

 

I'm tempted to tell these guys where they can go and get exactly what they want without having to resort to such lame tactics

[MissBee]

As someone who doesn't use dating sites (I find them impractical), I'm guessing part of the value proposition of the sites is that they don't have that much information. It makes the user feel like they have control over their image and empowered. The website being "easy" is their product.

Now, would your idea help efficiently allocate dating partners? Def. But its not good for business.

 

How would you have less control of a video than a picture? You actually probably have more control over a video as most people can copy and paste or screen capture a picture and pass it off as their own (this happens a lot where people steal other people's pics), but less people know how to do that with a video...I can't even tell you how you'd do that...and it's much easier to pass of a still photo of someone rather than a video image of them.

 

Unless you absolutely know nothing about the internet or smartphones, then it is no more difficult to capture a video of yourself, app designers can work with a website to make it as easy as taking a pic is. Even taking a video on your phone is no more genius than a photo...you click one thing for pic and another for video, and your phone does all the work.

[jen1447]

What do you mean?

 

If I wanted cyber fun, I'd go back to the sex site, at least most people there are straight up about what's what and there is a certain decorum and respect and code we play by on there.

 

Being on a dating site, I'm looking for something beyond that. Yes, I happen to have found both with my last partner but that was an anomaly I'm certain will never repeat again.

 

I'm not interested in adding more online lovers, I have plenty if/when I need them. I want something real, in the flesh be it short term or long term.

 

I'm tempted to tell these guys where they can go and get exactly what they want without having to resort to such lame tactics

 

Sorry I thought this temp OLD phase was just more of a distraction for you.

[MissBee]

Just some food for thought on the phone app topic. Many people have company phones and may have policies against application downloads. Others (this includes me) keep our active application count down to a minimum to preserve battery life and optimize performance.

 

Many people? I don't think so. I've never heard anyone say their phone company bans them from using common social media apps, Snapchat for example is one, in fact, nowadays most social media apps are predownloaded on most smartphones (Instagram, FB, Twitter etc) were all already on my phone when I bought it.

 

In any event, nothing can work for everyone. The vast majority of people have phones so that they can use apps (my dad on the other hand has a smartphone but has NO apps because he is paranoid about space, he's older though, and I'm like so you have all this space and no apps for what exactly???? The point of smartphones is to have apps, otherwise you just get a normal phone that only texts and calls and maybe can take pics, but don't have an iphone with 32 gigs and be all scared to download anything). If someone was interested in dating and if I asked them if they used a particular app and if not and I asked if they could get it, Snapchat in this case, and they said oh their phone company doesn't allow it...or they don't want to clog up their phone, I would simply assume they were making excuses or were not very technologically savvy, as you can always delete an app. I mean I would ask them what company they have, their phone, the memory etc...in case they truly just needed help to know that their phone won't combust because of an app.

 

In any case, Snapchat, the example app, makes it easier to send videos and the great part is the person you send it to can only view it for however many seconds you allow, I think 20 is the max. It doesn't save to your phone etc. so is easy for that reason in terms of space. But if they didn't have it, you can send a regular video of a few seconds through your regular video option on your phone's camera. So problem solved.

[hasaquestion]

How would you have less control of a video than a picture? You actually probably have more control over a video as most people can copy and paste or screen capture a picture and pass it off as their own (this happens a lot where people steal other people's pics), but less people know how to do that with a video...I can't even tell you how you'd do that...and it's much easier to pass of a still photo of someone rather than a video image of them.

 

Unless you absolutely know nothing about the internet or smartphones, then it is no more difficult to capture a video of yourself, app designers can work with a website to make it as easy as taking a pic is. Even taking a video on your phone is no more genius than a photo...you click one thing for pic and another for video, and your phone does all the work.

 

My point is that balding middle aged dudes and chubby middle aged women would rather be able to put one or two flattering pictures, than post a video where its harder to flatter yourself. Part of OLD's value prop is that it lets you cultivate your image and be fake. I'm not saying its a positive thing but I think its the case.

[MissBee]

My point is that balding middle aged dudes and chubby middle aged women would rather be able to put one or two flattering pictures, than post a video where its harder to flatter yourself. Part of OLD's value prop is that it lets you cultivate your image and be fake. I'm not saying its a positive thing but I think its the case.

 

And that is the point....

 

Re: the original post I made. Yes we get everyone wants to put up flattering pics, but what's the point if your pic is so flattering that it isn't the truth. So to avoid experiences like Michelle's and others, videos allow people to choose you for the truth of who you really are and not the lies of your flattering photos that don't actually represent your appearance.

 

It's a win for all, because if someone chooses you based on your flattering fake photos and find out you look nothing like it, you will often be considered a liar and rejected anyway. You can look flattering in videos too, it's just harder to completely misrepresent yourself.

[hasaquestion]

And that is the point....

 

Re: the original post I made. Yes we get everyone wants to put up flattering pics, but what's the point if your pic is so flattering that it isn't the truth. So to avoid experiences like Michelle's and others, videos allow people to choose you for the truth of who you really are and not the lies of your flattering photos that don't actually represent your appearance.

 

It's a win for all, because if someone chooses you based on your flattering fake photos and find out you look nothing like it, you will often be considered a liar and rejected anyway. You can look flattering in videos too, it's just harder to completely misrepresent yourself.

 

And my point is that its NOT a win for all. Its a win for you, and a win for actual relationships happening. It's a loss for the site, whose main product is false hope.

[MissBee]

And my point is that its NOT a win for all. Its a win for you, and a win for actual relationships happening. It's a loss for the site, whose main product is false hope.

 

False hope isn't dependent on the pictures though, but is sold in lots of other ways. Esp sites that promise chemistry matching algorithms and so forth, that's how they sell that hope that you will find your perfect match, rather than promising the attractiveness of their members. They sell ideas about chemistry and so on.

 

In any event, one site I mentioned, Zoosk, already asks you to verify yourself through video, and members know if you have done this, it says it on your profile, they just don't see the video itself. I think since there are many niche sites, a dating site that allows videos would appeal to many people and be a win for that site and the folks who would want that option and of course those who don't want it, can stick to the traditional site. And my advice in my original post is that you should always supplement the pics on the site and those you're sent with videos once you start talking to avoid disappointment. The dating site can only introduce you two, but other levels of verification are up to you, be that Googling the person, asking for Snapchat videos etc.

[Shining One]

Many people? I don't think so. I've never heard anyone say their phone company bans them from using common social media apps, Snapchat for example is one, in fact, nowadays most social media apps are predownloaded on most smartphones (Instagram, FB, Twitter etc) were all already on my phone when I bought it.

When I said company phone, I meant phones provided by the company they work for. I work in IT and I manage the mobile device policy. We block most social media apps for the sake of preserving our shared data pool. I know of several companies that block application downloads for security reasons. While many apps are preinstalled, mobile device management software can remove them or prevent them from running.

The point of smartphones is to have apps, otherwise you just get a normal phone that only texts and calls and maybe can take pics, but don't have an iphone with 32 gigs and be all scared to download anything).

The only apps I keep on my phone are: Skype for Business (Lync), a VPN Client, OneDrive, and various server administration tools. I need to maximize battery life and Lync meetings with video are a huge drain.

 

With that being said, I'm happy to have some sort of video communication before an actual meeting. I usually go with Skype on one of my personal computers.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry I thought this temp OLD phase was just more of a distraction for you.

 

To some extent yes, but I'm looking for a physical distraction not a virtual one

[bluestealth]

I used to kick butt on OLD and had several LTR's as a result. More recently I noticed a big change.

 

A lot of very attractive women contact me or respond to my messages - a way higher response rate than usual. We actually have good conversation. Many exchange numbers, text and trade pics BUT when it comes time to date / meet they almost all bag or make an excuse why they cant meet.

 

I am a good looking guy with a fun profile and had only been stood up once prior to this recent round. NOW it seems more like the norm.

 

I was told that the sites "plant" people on there to generate interest and to make it look like there is a lot of potential mates...IDK, its just frustrating!

 

 

I'm dealing with the exact same thing now. My response rate is high at 30-40% but rarely get a date even after I get a number and they agree to go out! I can't explain it.

[bluefeather]

What the hell is "cyber sex" anyway? Is there a hole on my computer somewhere that I'm missing?

 

See back in the olden days, there was this thing called AOL... AOL had "chat rooms" and "instant messenger," and well it's basically like the first version of sexting.

 

There's actually some sort of sex toy you can plug into your computer that does something you're describing, though..

[jen1447]

There's actually some sort of sex toy you can plug into your computer that does something you're describing, though..

 

You can charge some vibrators over USB now anyway.

[thecrucible]

Part of me is still mulling over deleting my dating profile as all I've gotten from online dating is some decent snogs; and brief flirtations with very odd people with strange fetishes (which I didn't discover until meeting them). There was the foot fetish guy and the guy who was really into bums. Aside from that, I've only met one normal guy who didn't have any weirdness about him and was genuinely interested in a real relationship.

 

I'm off on a fitness binge so I can look tonnes better and I'm hoping to focus my energy on attending events with singles in person rather than online dating. My problem is most of my friends are partnered up and my single friends I don't think I could persuade to do anything different (they only want to meet up in our local pub) but I will give it a try. I've always had to turn up to events by myself in order to meet people because I have no choice. But I am really worried that this will be make look like some kind of weird loner.

[AverageJoe1986]

Part of me is still mulling over deleting my dating profile as all I've gotten from online dating is some decent snogs; and brief flirtations with very odd people with strange fetishes (which I didn't discover until meeting them). There was the foot fetish guy and the guy who was really into bums. Aside from that, I've only met one normal guy who didn't have any weirdness about him and was genuinely interested in a real relationship.

 

If you're an attractive enough woman to generate interest Online then I wouldn't delete your profile. You're just limiting your options. The only time I think it's worth deleting a profile is when the blow to your self-esteem from lack of interest is outweighing the need to keep as many options open as possible.

[thecrucible]

If you're an attractive enough woman to generate interest Online then I wouldn't delete your profile. You're just limiting your options. The only time I think it's worth deleting a profile is when the blow to your self-esteem from lack of interest is outweighing the need to keep as many options open as possible.

 

It's not lack of interest which bothers me; it's the lack of profiles in my area and the lack of people I have anything in common with. I would not pick a guy just cause he looked if I didn't think we share similar hobbies and that sort of thing. Part of my difficulty is where I live so I will try to do something about that at some point in the future.

[AverageJoe1986]

It's not lack of interest which bothers me; it's the lack of profiles in my area and the lack of people I have anything in common with. I would not pick a guy just cause he looked if I didn't think we share similar hobbies and that sort of thing. Part of my difficulty is where I live so I will try to do something about that at some point in the future.

 

My problem is the opposite I suppose. I never meet anyone in real life who has the same interests as me. I'm not an X-Factor or soap watcher and I don't listen to chart music or want to watch super hero movies. I went online because I thought I could find people with similar interests as the beauty is that people have profiles which detail these. The trouble was that not one of the people with these shared interests was willing to respond to me.

[thecrucible]

My problem is the opposite I suppose. I never meet anyone in real life who has the same interests as me. I'm not an X-Factor or soap watcher and I don't listen to chart music or want to watch super hero movies. I went online because I thought I could find people with similar interests as the beauty is that people have profiles which detail these. The trouble was that not one of the people with these shared interests was willing to respond to me.

 

I hope you get some good responses soon. I'm similar. I'm not into soaps - I'll watch BBC4 or costume dramas and like history and genealogy (not exactly deeply associated with my age group). I wouldn't have to date someone with the same specific interests but if he was interested in learning and the outdoors, that would be fine start. I have a confession though. I have only once actually sent a message to a man and I usually rely on them contacting me but I'm going to give sending messages a go (I don't think I'm above sending messages, I just had enough to reply to before) and hiding my profile so I feel more in control, like StBreton here suggested.

[AverageJoe1986]

I hope you get some good responses soon. I'm similar. I'm not into soaps - I'll watch BBC4 or costume dramas and like history and genealogy (not exactly deeply associated with my age group). I wouldn't have to date someone with the same specific interests but if he was interested in learning and the outdoors, that would be fine start. I have a confession though. I have only once actually sent a message to a man and I usually rely on them contacting me but I'm going to give sending messages a go (I don't think I'm above sending messages, I just had enough to reply to before) and hiding my profile so I feel more in control, like StBreton here suggested.

 

Oh I've deleted my profile now. As I implied, the blow to my self-esteem from having no responses was far more damaging than any potential benefit could compensate for.

 

I'd definitely send messages if I were you. Control who it is your interacting with and that's half the battle won.

Edited January 26, 2016 by AverageJoe1986

[thecrucible]

Oh I've deleted my profile now. As I implied, the blow to my self-esteem from having no responses was far more damaging than remaining on there.

 

I'd definitely send messages if I were you. Control who it is your interating with and that's half the battle won.

 

If it's at all reassuring to you, I once had the mega hots for a guy I met in real life but had actually seen online and hadn't noticed before. I wasn't trying to judge him or anything like that but I was attracted to him because he had a good sense of humour and was a good flirt (even though he wasn't particularly photogenic - not ugly, just not photogenic). I'm not trying to imply anything about your looks or personality but I sometimes think online dating can stop people from seeing all of your potential. All my long term boyfriends weren't guys who would have gotten tonnes of attention online but I liked them.