Online Dating - The Good, The Bad, The Ridiculous

[ManyDissapoint]

And why add someone to your favorites if you have no intention of connecting or even responding for that matter?

 

I can answer this one. After you first sign up, men will go through the vast list of women and start adding women to favorites in order to evaluate and get to them later.

 

After sending dozens of messages and getting no replies they lose interest in the whole endeavor and let it go to weeds.

 

I have hundreds in my favorites list and have sent messages to maybe 30 of them.

[Shining One]

Adding a lot of women to your favorites is a common approach. The man adds 200 women to his favorites. He gets some profile views. A tiny portion of those women may add him to their favorites. He will then look through those and message the women he find's attractive. It's a lot less effort than sending out 200 initial messages.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Adding a lot of women to your favorites is a common approach. The man adds 200 women to his favorites. He gets some profile views. A tiny portion of those women may add him to their favorites. He will then look through those and message the women he find's attractive. It's a lot less effort than sending out 200 initial messages.

 

This is the most passive aggressive form of OLD I've ever bared witness to.

 

Makes no sense to me but then again, I can't imagine what it's like for men online so who am I to judge.

[Shining One]

This is the most passive aggressive form of OLD I've ever bared witness to.

 

Makes no sense to me but then again, I can't imagine what it's like for men online so who am I to judge.

After you've carefully written dozens or hundreds of messages only to get no responses, you start trying to find ways to make things easier on yourself. I only briefly used this approach myself, but it didn't yield any results for me. A few of my friends swear by it, but they're all white, so the dating dynamics are different for them.

[LookAtThisPOst]

After you've carefully written dozens or hundreds of messages only to get no responses, you start trying to find ways to make things easier on yourself. I only briefly used this approach myself, but it didn't yield any results for me. A few of my friends swear by it, but they're all white, so the dating dynamics are different for them.

 

Yep, I used to be the one to type out custom made emails to women based on what they've written in their own profiles only to get ignored. So I'm just keeping initial messages short. Around 2 sentences long at the most.

 

So now OLD between the genders and the action/reaction of it all is collapsing in onto itself. It's a snowball effect. Women come home to 100s of emails per week, it gets exhausting for them to weed through it all.

 

I've even known women in REAL life that told me they deleted their accounts within days of being signed up because it wasn't worth the work to go through it all.

 

Cause and effect...this cause is effecting men in keeping messages short and are cutting corners sending them out. Throwing stuff to the wall to see what sticks, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat, Tis the nature of the OLD beast.

Edited January 13, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[WaitingForBardot]

...

Speaking of which, there are some people on dating sites that expect beyond what they can bring to the table themselves. For instance, a woman who has some weight on her and then expect the man she's dating to have "nice arms" or muscular.

They might know better than you what they are bringing to the table. Sure, you don't like women with some weight, but some of us like them and many other men simply don't care, within reason. So like everyone else on OLD, they have to send out lots of messages and filter through lots of profiles, looking for a good match. All while ignoring the stinging put-downs of people who don't like women with some weight as if this were actually something more than just a personal preference.

[LookAtThisPOst]

They might know better than you what they are bringing to the table. Sure, you don't like women with some weight, but some of us like them and many other men simply don't care, within reason. So like everyone else on OLD, they have to send out lots of messages and filter through lots of profiles, looking for a good match. All while ignoring the stinging put-downs of people who don't like women with some weight as if this were actually something more than just a personal preference.

 

Well, I don't mind a little extra a woman for the curves, but when they start to exceed the 200 pound mark, and they want a man with wash board abs, they are not likely going to get what the ask for.

[kodakgirl]

OLD Pet Peeve #1

 

May I ask WHY do people send pokes/kisses/flirts/interest whatever they are called these days but do nothing more to communicate said interest?

 

OLD Pet Peeve #2

 

And why add someone to your favorites if you have no intention of connecting or even responding for that matter?

 

I agree!! I used OKC where there are "likes," and I'd get 10x more "likes" than messages. I don't get that. Why like if you don't write? I don't care--it's absolutely no ego trip for me at all to get messages (or likes or views for that matter)--it just confuses me. If I like a guy's profile I write him. If he seems like a good guy overall but not for me, I don't. The end.

 

As I said above, I really haven't had that bad of an experience, which I want to repeat because I do feel bad for the decent guys who get feathered with this "gross OLD guy" brush. I've been very picky about who I engage in conversation, because I know who I am and the kind of person I'm looking for, and I've never had a conversation go bad. Never had a guy start off decent and get weird or inappropriate. Every man I've met up with (maybe 10 total?) has looked like his pictures and come across like the person he represented himself as and been nice and respectful. Often there's been mutually no chemistry, but every one has seemed to be a good, genuine fellow, and if they met the girl for them on their very next first date, I'd be thrilled for them.

 

And as an even bigger Good, I recently met a man via OLD who's pretty well my perfect match, and vice-versa, with everything going amazingly. He's a total "catch" in general-- caring, thoughtful, intelligent, personable, and very nice-looking. The funny thing is, not 24 hours before he messaged me, we were at the same obscure movie in a small cinema (which related to a mutual interest) and didn't even notice each other! He's also doing the MA program I recently finished, which is small and specialized, so we have mutual acquaintances, too. But still, we met through OLD, and probably wouldn't have otherwise (or at least, wouldn't have spoken!). It took me years (on and off) to find this and much frustration and despair, but I did. I'd decided not to bother with it actively but just to leave my profile up just in case..... thank goodness I did!

[Toodaloo]

Super, super creepy. And I still have NO IDEA how the hell they found me on Facebook.

 

It is super creepy and they find you by searching for your pictures... Apparently you can do that but I have no idea how...

[bluefeather]

Yeaaaahh, I can't imagine where that would go wrong...

 

I'm sure you don't want to see a live one of 'those' waving about with a face drawn on it.

 

hey if it's like chat roulette, you can click off instantly. it's still less of a time-waster than trying to discern some person hiding behind text. I seriously don't understand how this OLD system is so popular and why people put up with such bs... "chatting" is just a huge waste of time. If I ever got on those dating sites, I would chat for probably a few minutes and then just ask for her number or if they wanted to cam chat.

 

just cut to the good stuff man, textual communication is so cold and anonymous, and IMO excessive chatting is very cowardly.

[Michelle ma Belle]

OLD Pet Peeve #4

 

One word answers and/or responding to messages with no reciprocation! Basically I'm having to carry the ball by asking questions in order to get to "know" them. And THEY messaged ME to chat!! NEXT!

 

I swear it's an epidemic.

 

Again, another why bother moment.

 

[Superman2024]

I can totally relate to the experiences on this thread and all the nonsense that goes on with OLD. It's too bad all the crazy people and scammers are ruining it for the normal ones!

[Shining One]

OLD Pet Peeve #4

 

One word answers and/or responding to messages with no reciprocation! Basically I'm having to carry the ball by asking questions in order to get to "know" them. And THEY messaged ME to chat!! NEXT!

I can't fathom the logic behind this one. I understand laziness / low effort with initial messages since those rarely get responses. However, once two-way communication begins, that's the time to shine.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I can't fathom the logic behind this one. I understand laziness / low effort with initial messages since those rarely get responses. However, once two-way communication begins, that's the time to shine.

 

AMEN! And that's my point exactly!

 

I'd be interested in hearing a man's take on this.

[HereNorThere]

Take comfort in the fact that no matter how bad online dating for women, it will never be the soul crushing experience that normal men have. Sadly, it's not the women that make it bad, it's the super creepy guys that ruin it for all of us.

 

You start out picking people that are similar to yourself in appearance, hobbies, etc and take the time to write thoughtful messages, but you would literally have to spend all day and night doing that to compete with the creepers blasting out spam messages.

 

Now, that's not to say women don't play a role in it either. Unfortunately the massive amount of messages seem to give most women an abundance complex. Now the normal to plus size, 5ft 2 woman thinks she should be dating the 6ft, 250,000 dollar a year CEO ex-football player and she can for one night and vicious cycle begins. I really wish dating sites would do something to start banning creepers, but creepers make them money. Their advertising dollars and user details are worth the same as the normal guys, so it doesn't matter to them. There is NO money in successful relationships or marriages for online dating sites, so it's easy to see why they don't really care whether or not you find a mate.

 

tl,dr. Online dating=okay for women, bad for men.

[bluefeather]

AMEN! And that's my point exactly!

 

I'd be interested in hearing a man's take on this.

 

It'd be hard to give one. I just don't participate in that. If he gives short answers maybe he

 

is afraid to say something wrong

uninterested (thought that doesn't make sense if he reached out to you)

lacks communication skills

[bluefeather]

tl,dr. Online dating=okay for women, bad for men.

 

I've been seeing more "men have it worse than women" views on here than usual. Maybe I'm just noticing it more. Ya'll got it bad, IMO. I don't deal with it at all. I say again, if I did, I wouldn't be pussy-footing around words. Maybe I would get rejected a lot because of it, but it'd be better that way as opposed to going through what either sex has to go through. I don't mean to offend anyone who uses OLD a lot, it just seems like such a time-sink to me.

[HereNorThere]

AMEN! And that's my point exactly!

 

I'd be interested in hearing a man's take on this.

 

 

I personally think that most men on there are just jaded and cynical. Even after two communication begins, they have been let down so many times that it just seems pointless. After you type out your life story a hundred times and the communication just trails off to nowhere, you just stop putting in the effort. Sad, but so many really, really good guys I know have all had the same experience.

 

Also, the most successful men on dating sites are not the type of men who have a whole lot to say in the first place. OkCupid has plenty of studies that show that it's the tallest, most masculine that have success on the sites. Hell, guys under 6ft have a better chance at winning the lottery than being successful with women online. The super alpha type guys aren't really the type to share much about themselves and the unique, creative guys just don't get responses. It's just sad for everyone, really.

[HereNorThere]

I've been seeing more "men have it worse than women" views on here than usual. Maybe I'm just noticing it more. Ya'll got it bad, IMO. I don't deal with it at all. I say again, if I did, I wouldn't be pussy-footing around words. Maybe I would get rejected a lot because of it, but it'd be better that way as opposed to going through what either sex has to go through. I don't mean to offend anyone who uses OLD a lot, it just seems like such a time-sink to me.

 

Here is a really great link to a study regarding the difference between men and women online. The most attractive woman will receive nearly 600% more messages than the most attractive man, but that's not the worst part. The worst part is that unless you are the most attractive man, you almost get no responses. The author of the study even made graphs to compare the massive difference between genders on the site.

 

The author does not conclude that it's easier for women simply because they actually get real responses, but confidence is created through successful interaction. If you get little to no responses and very few dates, you obviously aren't going to be as confident. Also, if you do get responses from people who are obviously "out of your league" it's easy to start thinking that your market value is higher than it actually is.

 

Cupid on Trial: An OKCupid Online Dating Experiment

[bluefeather]

Here is a really great link to a study regarding the difference between men and women online. The most attractive woman will receive nearly 600% more messages than the most attractive man, but that's not the worst part. The worst part is that unless you are the most attractive man, you almost get no responses. The author of the study even made graphs to compare the massive difference between genders on the site.

 

The author does not conclude that it's easier for women simply because they actually get real responses, but confidence is created through successful interaction. If you get little to no responses and very few dates, you obviously aren't going to be as confident. Also, if you do get responses from people who are obviously "out of your league" it's easy to start thinking that your market value is higher than it actually is.

 

Cupid on Trial: An OKCupid Online Dating Experiment

 

You can keep your link, thanks. I don't need a researcher to tell me about online dating because I think, for the most part, it's a waste of time. I also don't need any kind of online gratification to give me confidence about what I can actually achieve in real life. If I ever used OLD it would be a tool beside many other tools, not the only tool that I would use to find a partner. Maybe that is a mistake that many make and a reason why their poor little confidence is shot to **** when they are rejected/ignored in the imaginary world of the internet.

[Bobbi7]

OLD Pet Peeve #4

 

One word answers and/or responding to messages with no reciprocation! Basically I'm having to carry the ball by asking questions in order to get to "know" them. And THEY messaged ME to chat!! NEXT!

 

I swear it's an epidemic.

 

Again, another why bother moment.

 

 

Same here! I get those all the time. I mean, am I talking to a mute or something if I'm asking all the questions? And then guys start complaining how hard they have it, when clearly someone is showing interest asking questions and then it just stops there. One guy even asked me what good bars are there in the city, I told him what places were good, then he replied-thanks Ill have to check those out with my buddies. I'm like wth? I swear, some just like to waste time.

[sweet honeydew]

I found that most men who contacted me are nice people. There maybe just 2 sextual messages (out of hundreds). However I have to say a lot of them are clueless. I get about 20+ messages everyday.

 

 

Online dating is good because it's faster to screen people when you are not a young single 20 years old. You only want single, educated, a particular age range, specific interests, heights, etc.... It is a much faster start than the real world. Especially for professionals who don't mix work with private life, how else are you going to meet people? I take it as a start without high expectation.

 

 

I found myself being more forgiving (maybe naïve) compared to what I heard here. People who are awkward, unhandsome pictures, or contact me again do not bother me. I respect their efforts. Although I found myself unable to reply to all of them.

 

 

My process of eliminating is:

1. Any message with just 1 or 2 words gets deleted. (if I get another "hello beautiful! I'll explode!)

2. People who ignore my profile and criterias get deleted. About 30% are from out of town people. About 30% are 15+ years younger than me. What are people thinking?

3. Anyone with no shirt on photo gets deleted. (unless he's a 10 otherwise).

4. People who irritates me 3+ times in their profile gets deleted: those include: only photos with sunglasses, photos with multiple people in there and not sure which one is him, really bad grammer, discrimination of any kind, ...

 

 

I really think online photos can be misleading on attraction. I always say 2D impression is not the same as 3D impression. Maybe it's because

I like a man with good voice, smell good, good manner/value, good personality. Most of those can't be seen online and takes time to know.

Edited January 13, 2016 by sweet honeydew

[TheArtist]

I once filled out the form to join eHarmony. Twenty minutes of careful answers to clever questions to join up. Really thought through it all and gave the most accurate answers the best represented me.

 

When I finally pressed the final return on the final page I was greeted by the message, 'We are sorry but your personality does not fit with more than 10% of the population so we are unable to help you. Good luck!' or words to that effect. It might as well just patted me on the head and given me a month's free trial on sadlonely*******.com where you can set up your profile but it's hidden from view forever. 'Hey, join hundreds of unhappy, borderline suicidal singles who are just desperate to settle for anyone that talks to them! We'll take anyone! Simply fill in your name and rate your desperation on a scale of "I'll Wear a Blindfold if I Have To" right through to "I'll Cut Myself If You Don't Call"'

 

So yeah, that's my experience.

 

Fancy a coffee anyone?

Edited January 13, 2016 by TheArtist
Made a big mess of it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I once filled out the form to join eHarmony. Twenty minutes of careful answers to clever questions to join up. Really thought through it all and gave the most accurate answers the best represented me.

 

When I finally pressed the final return on the final page I was greeted by the message, 'We are sorry but your personality does not fit with more than 10% of the population so we are unable to help you. Good luck!' or words to that effect. It might as well just patted me on the head and given me a month's free trial on sadlonely*******.com where you can set up your profile but it's hidden from view forever. 'Hey, join hundreds of unhappy, borderline suicidal singles who are just desperate to settle for anyone that talks to them! We'll take anyone! Simply fill in your name and rate your desperation on a scale of "I'll Wear a Blindfold if I Have To" right through to "I'll Cut Myself If You Don't Call"'

 

So yeah, that's my experience.

 

Fancy a coffee anyone?

 

Oh my goodness, that happened to me as well! I ended up contacting them and told them about this and they "allowed" me to retake the test one more time (something they normally don't allow). I tweaked it and it brought me results albeit feeble and still a far cry from what I would have chosen for myself.

 

 

Oh, and throw in a scone and I'm there!!

[Superman2024]

OLD Pet Peeve #4

 

One word answers and/or responding to messages with no reciprocation! Basically I'm having to carry the ball by asking questions in order to get to "know" them. And THEY messaged ME to chat!! NEXT!

 

I swear it's an epidemic.

 

Again, another why bother moment.

 

 

 

As a guy I'm dealing with the exact same thing, even when someone contacts me first. I'm carrying the conversation, doing the escalating, asking them out, and then they usually disappear. It's insane...