Unrequited Love

[Ms. Faust]

I took your sound advice. I called again. No one home. But I'm not going to leave a message.

 

Maybe they don't answer the phone for strange numbers. My husband gets so much spam if it is a number he does not recognize (even if it is local) he let it go to voicemail.

[waterwoman]

How different and happier their lives might have been had she followed her heart and left her husband?

 

So you want to leave your wife then? Otherwise I don't see the point of this story.

[TaraMaiden2]

Montsan, Maybe they're away on a winter holiday, renewing their vows, on second honeymoon....

Jeesh, look at yourself...

For some weird, immature and juvenile-based memories, you are prepared to venture into unknown territory, possibly unwelcomed and intruding, merely to satisfy a decades-old whim and curiosity based on a fantasy of a week's acquaintance?

Really?

 

You've run this by your wife, have you? This petty smouldering little obsession you have, on the road to ruining your life and quite possibly hers?

 

WHat if she tells you to go away and quit bothering her? I know I would....

 

Maybe you can't find her email because she has deliberately withheld it, or sought to not disclose it.

 

It's a bit like Directory enquiries here in the UK. You can find an address, number of occupants, ages and genders, by searching a particular file (all based on the Electoral register and Nationwide poll) but if there is certain sensitive information the participants opt to NOT disclose, even a site purporting to give access to information on those people, will not reveal it.

 

looks like info deliberately withheld, to me.

 

And rightly so.

 

With so much current scaremongering about Intrusion into privacy, Government controls, right of invasion, I'm not surprised some folk don't want anyone and everyone to know their business....

 

Just pack it in, and leave it alone. What began as a whimsical stroll down memory lane, has rapidly turned into an obsessive trek into a wilderness of deep doo-doos.....

[Montsan]

What's an OW - other woman? What's an EA?

 

 

George Eiferman was married to another woman, but I don't know the particulars of that marriage.

 

 

A lot of people here seem to be of the mind that a person should stay married to their spouse, no matter what. No matter if they are, in fact, in love with another. I say follow your heart. D Train has an opportunity to once and for all find out where his heart lies, and he ought to resolve his feelings while he's got the chance.

 

 

Don't wait until the end of your life and then regret that you never did what you could've done, should've done.

[GorillaTheater]

A lot of people here seem to be of the mind that a person should stay married to their spouse, no matter what. No matter if they are, in fact, in love with another. I say follow your heart.

 

 

I'm with you. I've already suggested starting the divorce proceedings ASAP. Book an appointment with an attorney today and tell your wife tonight.

[TaraMaiden2]

What's an OW - other woman? What's an EA?

Emotional Affair - which can be every bit as hurtful to the BS (Betrayed Spouse) and a PA (Physical Affair.)

 

George Eiferman was married to another woman, but I don't know the particulars of that marriage.

Which is why it was a pointless example...

 

 

A lot of people here seem to be of the mind that a person should stay married to their spouse, no matter what. No matter if they are, in fact, in love with another. I say follow your heart. D Train has an opportunity to once and for all find out where his heart lies, and he ought to resolve his feelings while he's got the chance.

 

 

Don't wait until the end of your life and then regret that you never did what you could've done, should've done.

Yup, I'm with GT on this one (Gorilla Theater).

 

Speak to your wife about this, as you're obviously totally disatisfied, unfulfilled and contented with your marriage. The sooner you discuss the matter with her the better.

[carhill]

While still apparently less common, I've always been a bit shocked when perusing profiles of public figures who have been married like forever and then get divorced in their 60's and 70's. I mean, married to one person all that time and then divorcing in the twilight of their life. To me it defies life experience but maybe the OP's story bears witness to one aspect.

 

It would be interesting to compile filing statistics on that age group to see who files more often. In general, women file far more often but is it true for those oldsters? IDK.

 

OP, in my case, I did everything in open view of my exW, she had heard the story from me back when we were dating and she met the woman in person after, arranged by me. There was no subterfuge. That's my style. Your style is your own. I'll leave you to figure out what works for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Here's a true love story that might put things into perspective:

 

 

George Eiferman was Mr. Universe in 1962. He was in love with a friend's wife, and she was in love with him. He went to visit one day when her husband was gone and they ended up in bed together. She planned to leave her husband for George but then later told George that her husband had begged her not leave and she decided to stay.

 

 

Thirty years later her husband died, and when she called George to tell him, his response was, how does someone ask a woman who has just lost her husband to marry him?

 

 

They married and loved each other until the day he died. Moreover, her son was actually George's, the result of their tryst 30 years before.

 

 

How different and happier their lives might have been had she followed her heart and left her husband?

 

Nice love story for every one but George's friend (who didn't even know his son wasn't his) and George's wife, but the BH and BW never seem to count in these "love conquers all" fairy tales.

 

If you're going to post anything else to put your situation in perspective, I'd suggest you avoid those accounts where the principals lie, cheat and screw over those they vowed to love and protect...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Montsan]

Well, friends and neighbors, my obsession seems to be finally subsiding. In retrospect, "the love of my life" was actually someone I'd thought of fondly on occasion over the years, and each time I'd think of her, I'd wonder where she was, how she was doing, and hoping she had found the happiness she deserves.

 

 

It' s just that when I found her FB page and saw her again, I was suddenly transported back in time, the memory of her became so vivid and I remembered exactly how much in love with her I was. For days I couldn't get her out of my mind and the sadness I felt was almost unbearable.

 

 

I had said in my original post that once she was gone, I had resolved to put her out of my mind, and, frankly, with all of the ensuing diversions I had over the next couple of years (*wink* * wink*), she began fading, leaving me with just a special little place for her in my heart where she will always remain.

 

 

Much of what I've said about her can also be said about the woman I married. She was also very beautiful when we met -beautiful, crystal clear blue eyes, long dark brown hair tumbling down her shoulders and back, an incredibly beautiful smile, and a beautiful complexion with rosy cheeks. She also has that same quality of warmth and lovingness within that shows on her face. She's been a wonderful wife and mother - kind and patient and loving. For years people commented on how beautiful my wife is and how lucky I am. I was 32 and she was 33 when we married 35 years ago. A day doesn't go by when she doesn't hug me at least once and tells me she loves me.

 

 

Writing all of this down and being able to tell my story has been very therapeutic for me, and I appreciate all of the comments I have received. I wouldn't have been able to keep all of this bottled up inside.

 

 

Well, I do have one consolation in all of this - I found a picture of my German girl's husband and he looks like a very decent, intelligent guy with a very pleasant face. He looks like he deserves her.

[Montsan]

I might also add that my wife had been married before. She had married much to young and found herself trapped in a loveless marriage. She followed her heart.

[GorillaTheater]

For a guy who sounded ready to thermonuclearly obliterate his marriage for her, that was quick.

[Montsan]

You're confusing me with D Train. I never said I wanted to end my marriage, only that I wanted to speak with my German girl one last time.

 

 

BTW, when I met my wife, she had taught high school for eight years. How sexy is that?

[BettyDraper]

oh geez, I don't see the big deal.

Everyone who is married has a past and a first love, or many loves that may cross your mind.

People are so uptight here. And judgemental.

Just because your married it doesn't make you dead inside.

You can have the fond memory of a past love.

If true love never dies than even 20, 30, 40 years later you can still feel a pang of love for someone.

He looked up an old love and suddenly he has to alert his wife, go to counseling, and find out what is wrong with him?

Its called being human.

Its called remembering.

And he looked her up, and if HE doesn't feel its out of bounds to call her, it is his life, his marriage, his decision to want closure.

I know for a fact my husband still will always have a special place and a love for his ex. They meant a lot to eachother. They weren't meant to end up together, but that doesn't mean he has some sort of robot switch to just erase it and forget it. I wouldn't want him to.

It was an important part of his life.

Im his wife, he loves me, I don't own him, I don't try and control his heart and memories and need to know every private thought.

If he looked up an old flame on FB ok, its not threatening our marriage unless I want to make a federal case of it and pretend I am the only woman he can possibly ever have eyes for. That's impossible.

Past loves are a real and relevant part of all of us.

I find it very human and normal to think of them and still care.

I don't think every little thing in life has to be SO inappropriate like these boards suggest.

 

I agree that it's normal to feel a pang of love and think of past old flames. It's also quite common to look up a first love because our old relationships are a part of our life stories.

 

What is problematic is harbouring feelings of true love and reaching out to an old girlfriend while married. This situation is not the same as your husband just looking up an old girlfriend on Facebook.

 

It sounds like you don't like the way members of LS think. What keeps you coming back if you think most people here are too uptight and judgmental?

Edited January 15, 2016 by BettyDraper

[S2B]

It's interesting that you say now your thoughts are settled after seeing her with a man...

 

As if any woman's happiness is based on being or not being with a man.

 

 

Now you make conclusions based on a picture... Lots of assumptions.

[Montsan]

It's interesting that you say now your thoughts are settled after seeing her with a man...

 

As if any woman's happiness is based on being or not being with a man.

 

 

Now you make conclusions based on a picture... Lots of assumptions.

 

I will assume that her husband has made a happy life for her. I hope so. I've been accused a couple of times in this thread of fantasizing. So, just allow me my fantasy, ok?

[Montsan]

Originally Posted by privategal oh geez, I don't see the big deal.

Everyone who is married has a past and a first love, or many loves that may cross your mind.

People are so uptight here. And judgemental.

Just because your married it doesn't make you dead inside.

You can have the fond memory of a past love.

If true love never dies than even 20, 30, 40 years later you can still feel a pang of love for someone.

He looked up an old love and suddenly he has to alert his wife, go to counseling, and find out what is wrong with him?

Its called being human.

Its called remembering.

And he looked her up, and if HE doesn't feel its out of bounds to call her, it is his life, his marriage, his decision to want closure.

I know for a fact my husband still will always have a special place and a love for his ex. They meant a lot to eachother. They weren't meant to end up together, but that doesn't mean he has some sort of robot switch to just erase it and forget it. I wouldn't want him to.

It was an important part of his life.

Im his wife, he loves me, I don't own him, I don't try and control his heart and memories and need to know every private thought.

If he looked up an old flame on FB ok, its not threatening our marriage unless I want to make a federal case of it and pretend I am the only woman he can possibly ever have eyes for. That's impossible.

Past loves are a real and relevant part of all of us.

I find it very human and normal to think of them and still care.

I don't think every little thing in life has to be SO inappropriate like these boards suggest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I like what privategal has written.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Montsan

[The D Train]

 

A lot of people here seem to be of the mind that a person should stay married to their spouse, no matter what. No matter if they are, in fact, in love with another. I say follow your heart. D Train has an opportunity to once and for all find out where his heart lies, and he ought to resolve his feelings while he's got the chance.

 

 

Don't wait until the end of your life and then regret that you never did what you could've done, should've done.

 

Montsan

 

 

Maybe it is hard on this forum as people see things as black & white. Our situations are similar but surely are different. IT IS VERY COMPLICATED EMOTIONALLY. I don't think I would ever leave my wife but there are some issues that could grow & my feelings could change. Things are very good with my wife now (much better than a year ago).

 

 

My Ex GF:

I have thought very often about my ex gf. Had many dreams with her in it. Is that normal? Yes or No?

 

 

I was madly in love with my gf some might say infatuated. I never felt the same way with my wife but maybe what I had with my ex gf was not normal or realistic once you grow up.

 

 

I remember the good times we had and the strong feeling of being in love (my first love). Am I just remembering a great time in my life (college years) when I had no adult responsibility except to have fun and have sex with her around the clock?

 

 

I caused my ex gf a lot of pain and looking back I want to see if she forgives me for that.

 

 

After our breakup she caused me a lot of pain (I deserved it). She was my dedicated and committed girlfriend, best friend and talked of marriage. It was very rough seeing with other guys shortly after we broke up and it really shook me that about a month after we broke up she said she was having sex with a new guy. I think I got PTSD from all that. Maybe I need to remember that pain and admit that we were not meant to be together.

 

 

But looking back, I get these waves that say "did I really lose her and she's been gone all these years and I am going to die without ever seeing her again?"

 

 

Honestly I think if I saw her, talked to her I would realize we were much different now and we were not meant to be together. I would realize how I married the right woman and I am blessed. I take my blessings for granted sometimes.

 

 

Now you all can judge me and call me selfish for having these experiences and emotions.

[Montsan]

Montsan

 

I was madly in love with my gf some might say infatuated.

 

 

Call it love, call it infatuation, call it fantasizing. It's all the same. You have deep feelings for this girl. You need to get together with her and talk things out.

 

 

Yes, it would appear that there are a number of people here who see things in black & white. If you mention the fact that you might be in love with someone other than your wife, the incriminations start pouring in - see a therapist! See a counselor! Confess to your wife!

 

 

Again, D Train, the years fly by. Don't look back years from now when it's too late and wish you had met with her. The fact that she was communicating with you shows that she might have the same feelings for you. The fact that you are both older and wiser means that you both recognize the pitfalls that occurred when you were both younger.

[TaraMaiden2]

Conversely, I know for a fact that had I met my H, twenty years ago, we would almost certainly never have got together. Twenty years ago, our heads were simply "Not in the same place" at all....

 

Life moves on, and people change according to circumstances and experiences.

 

Don't get me wrong; I love my H. But - and this is by his admission and description - he was an "arrogant, egotistic, insufferable know-all, who would have done my head in."

 

Apparently, he doesn't think I would have put up with him for 10 minutes, let alone 10 years (and counting).....

[MightyPen]

I only read the first couple of pages, but I think people are being too harsh on the OP.

 

I think most everyone has a person who stands out as "the one who could have been the one." Whether it was a summer romance as a teenager, or someone from college who moved away after graduation, or something else. Almost everyone has (overly?) romanticized a prior relationship, be it short or more sustained. We all have someone we put on a pedestal, frequently because we weren't with them long enough to see all their imperfections.

 

The OP clearly has is. Hell, I have my own. It's life.

 

OP, I can toss out some slightly more selfish advice, but it may actually be more helpful to you than the angles taken by other posters.

 

DON'T RUIN THIS PERFECT MEMORY.

 

Keep it just the way it is. If it's the most romantic memory of your life, so be it. That doesn't make you a bad person. But you can't re-ignite something from 35 years ago. Even if you had a great phone conversation with her tomorrow, I can guarantee that it won't live up to the hype in your head.

 

Let her stay the "love of your life" in your head and keep that happy memory that you can go back occasionally to help get through life. Ever seen "City Slickers?" Jack Palance's character has his own memory (even shorter) and it suits him just fine.

[Montsan]

Thank you for your input, Pen, but in a later post on this thread I stated that the shock of seeing her again, and all the memories it revived was beginning to wear off and, though she will always occupy a special place in my heart, I am glad I married the girl I did.

[Popsicle]

It's interesting that you say now your thoughts are settled after seeing her with a man...

 

As if any woman's happiness is based on being or not being with a man.

 

 

Now you make conclusions based on a picture... Lots of assumptions.

 

When I was in the A, it was quite sobering to see pictures of his wife and kids. It would make my blood run cold.

[Bufo]

I too have dreams involving ex gfs. Some are quite realistic seeming (no superhero flying about for instance) and yet often involve my wife who has never met a few of my long time ago gfs.

 

Before one gets in too deep with self analysis however one should remember that exs are exs for a reason. Uncritical nostalgia is the sober equivalent of beer goggles. The ex always seems better in retrospect.

 

And pay attention to the threads here. There are more than a few stories of Facebook and the old high school flame to the sorrow of the BS and often the WS.

 

As some English author once wrote: you can't go home again.

[BettyDraper]

Montsan

 

 

Maybe it is hard on this forum as people see things as black & white. Our situations are similar but surely are different. IT IS VERY COMPLICATED EMOTIONALLY. I don't think I would ever leave my wife but there are some issues that could grow & my feelings could change. Things are very good with my wife now (much better than a year ago).

 

 

My Ex GF:

I have thought very often about my ex gf. Had many dreams with her in it. Is that normal? Yes or No?

 

 

I was madly in love with my gf some might say infatuated. I never felt the same way with my wife but maybe what I had with my ex gf was not normal or realistic once you grow up.

 

 

I remember the good times we had and the strong feeling of being in love (my first love). Am I just remembering a great time in my life (college years) when I had no adult responsibility except to have fun and have sex with her around the clock?

 

 

I caused my ex gf a lot of pain and looking back I want to see if she forgives me for that.

 

 

After our breakup she caused me a lot of pain (I deserved it). She was my dedicated and committed girlfriend, best friend and talked of marriage. It was very rough seeing with other guys shortly after we broke up and it really shook me that about a month after we broke up she said she was having sex with a new guy. I think I got PTSD from all that. Maybe I need to remember that pain and admit that we were not meant to be together.

 

 

But looking back, I get these waves that say "did I really lose her and she's been gone all these years and I am going to die without ever seeing her again?"

 

 

Honestly I think if I saw her, talked to her I would realize we were much different now and we were not meant to be together. I would realize how I married the right woman and I am blessed. I take my blessings for granted sometimes.

 

 

Now you all can judge me and call me selfish for having these experiences and emotions.

 

You are not selfish just because you have these emotions and experiences.

 

You are selfish because you want to reach out this woman and find out if something is still there when you are MARRIED and your wife already doesn't like the idea of you talking to this woman. How would you feel if your wife did the same thing to you? Based on some of your other posts, I doubt that you wouldn't be upset and for good reason.

 

I mean, you even said "Who knows where we'll be in 5 or 10 years?" Does your wife know that you believe your long marriage will end?

[BettyDraper]

Originally Posted by privategal oh geez, I don't see the big deal.

Everyone who is married has a past and a first love, or many loves that may cross your mind.

People are so uptight here. And judgemental.

Just because your married it doesn't make you dead inside.

You can have the fond memory of a past love.

If true love never dies than even 20, 30, 40 years later you can still feel a pang of love for someone.

He looked up an old love and suddenly he has to alert his wife, go to counseling, and find out what is wrong with him?

Its called being human.

Its called remembering.

And he looked her up, and if HE doesn't feel its out of bounds to call her, it is his life, his marriage, his decision to want closure.

I know for a fact my husband still will always have a special place and a love for his ex. They meant a lot to eachother. They weren't meant to end up together, but that doesn't mean he has some sort of robot switch to just erase it and forget it. I wouldn't want him to.

It was an important part of his life.

Im his wife, he loves me, I don't own him, I don't try and control his heart and memories and need to know every private thought.

If he looked up an old flame on FB ok, its not threatening our marriage unless I want to make a federal case of it and pretend I am the only woman he can possibly ever have eyes for. That's impossible.

Past loves are a real and relevant part of all of us.

I find it very human and normal to think of them and still care.

I don't think every little thing in life has to be SO inappropriate like these boards suggest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I like what privategal has written.

 

Of course you do! We all like to have our behavior validated.

 

Thinking about our pasts is typical and nothing to be ashamed of.

 

You have gone way beyond that by thinking that your fantasy woman was "the love of your life" after only 7 days, pining away like a teenager and actually phoning this woman after three decades. That's not normal at all. It's also unfair to your wife.

 

Do I ever reflect on my past relationships? Sure but I don't pine for my exes nor do I call them. Thinking and actions are entirely different.

 

I don't have a lot of compassion for those who are old enough to be my parents yet they act like adolescents. Married adults shouldn't be obsessed with old girlfriends or attention from other members of the opposite sex. It's unseemly. My husband is in his 40s. As far as I know, he doesn't carry on like you or D Train. I don't care if he notices an attractive woman or looks up an ex on Facebook but calling them would upset me. My husband always says that he married the prettiest, kindest and youngest woman he has ever been with, there is nobody else who could captivate him as much as his wife does. Let's hope that he stays loyal and mature as the years go by.

Edited January 16, 2016 by BettyDraper