Unrequited Love

[S2B]

I had sent her a message through Facebook, but she doesn't use FB. Her last post was in 2014, so I'll assume she doesn't know I had messaged her.

 

 

I'd bet money she knows you messaged her. I rarely post on Fakebook and have at least 10 people who sent friend requests. I've let them sit there for 6 or 8 months without responding. It's fake. Real people busy living don't take all day long to sit on FB. It's not my top priority.

 

 

Yes, she's married. I don't want to get anything going. I just want to speak to her once and get some closure.

 

You realize you can't have both right?

 

Closure comes from yourself! Opening the communication is not going to give you closure - but it may help you get a divorce.

 

Bare minimum it will harm your wife. Is that what you want to do to your wife?

[burnt]

Just want to say reading your story made me very sad, brought tears.

 

I'm sorry for the way you suffered that many years ago for what was lost. I'm sorry for the way it has all flooded back in now after so long.

 

What does it matter what it's called, love, infatuation, crush--the name means so little when the feelings are so strong. We feel what we feel.

 

The others are right--you shouldn't make any contact--nothing good will come out of it.

 

As beautiful as it was, now it just belongs to the past.

I'm simply sorry--sorry for the loss.

[VeveCakes]

Just want to add that your time together wasn't real life either. Neither of you had responsibilities and could be as care free as you like. It's easy to be a perfect person when you are in that space.

[LydiaLong]

When you marry, you vow to 'forsake all others.' Keep her in the realm of fantasy if you like, but think about all of the lives you would be ruining if you acted on this impulse. You might not even have much in common now. People always talk about 'closure.' It's such equine manure. You don't need closure. You need reality.

 

Do keep us informed, though.

[carhill]

OP, since it appears you're stuck and otherwise have loving relations with your spouse, meaning no substantive marital issues to resolve, I'd suggest getting some professional psychological help to un-stick you. Any attachments you believe you have are resolvable in your own psyche. It's simply a matter of getting there. A professional can help you with tools you use yourself to get there. Since you're apparently 67 you've lived a lot of life and, yeah, I know, the grim reaper is on the horizon so we start reflecting on things. That's OK. Keep it all in perspective. Good luck!

Edited January 13, 2016 by carhill
Math problem

[Montsan]

 

What does it matter what it's called, love, infatuation, crush--the name means so little when the feelings are so strong. We feel what we feel.

 

burnt has got it right.

 

 

And I do intend to speak with her. I will obsess until I do, and I've got nothing to lose. My wife, who I do love, will not know that I made this one phone call.

[Montsan]

I hope anyone reading this will be patient with me, as I just have this real need to spill out my guts. This is therapeutic for me. I want to relate here how we met.

 

 

I was living in North Beach, the Greenwich Village of San Francisco. I was in the laundromat one day doing my laundry when this very beautiful girl came in to do hers. After awhile she approached me and told me that she was from Germany touring the U.S. and that she wanted to see Muir Woods, and asked me if I knew of any tours. I told her that I'd be happy to drive her there and we made arrangements to meet the following morning.

 

 

We went hiking through Muir Woods, and the more I looked at her, the more beautiful I thought she looked. At one point we sat down on a berm to rest, and then I leaned over and kissed her. She acted surprised and just looked at me for a couple of seconds, looked around, and then stood up and said, Let's go. We continued hiking, and I was just dying inside. I felt that I had blown it, that she had no interest in me. Later, she wanted to see a museum, so I took her there, and as she walked around looking at all the exhibits, I was just kicking myself for having tried anything. She was obviously way out of my league.

 

 

I want to say here, that I was a pretty good looking guy back then and never had much of a problem picking up chicks. In fact I had been picked up myself on a few occasions. So, it wasn't like I was the hunchback of Notre Dame trying to make it with Esmeralda.

 

 

Anyway, we eventually made it back to North Beach and she stopped up into my apartment with me. After a little bit of talking, I kissed her again, and this time she kissed me back. She had the most beautiful lips. I could just get lost in her kisses. And then I began fondling her and she said, Wait. It will be better later. So, we went out and had some drinks, relaxed a bit, got more comfortable with each other, got to know each other, and then headed back to my apartment for a night of wild sex. Lemme tell you. Not only was she incredibly beautiful, but she also had one of the most perfectly formed woman's bodies I'd ever seen. Her a$$ should have been cast in bronze and put on display in the Smithsonian.

[RySant]

burnt has got it right.

 

 

And I do intend to speak with her. I will obsess until I do, and I've got nothing to lose. My wife, who I do love, will not know that I made this one phone call.

 

If she asks for constant communication. What will you do then? This couls lead into an EA.....

[Montsan]

There are a lot of "what ifs". The worse "what if" I can think of is that she will resent my calling her. But, I won't know until I do.

[S2B]

There are a lot of "what ifs". The worse "what if" I can think of is that she will resent my calling her. But, I won't know until I do.

 

Yah, and we are all responsible for our own behavior.

 

Be ready to be honest about why you quit communicating with her. Why you didn't go to the end of the earth to be with her. And that now, in retrospect - your fantasizing about your regrets.

 

And also be prepared (by your behavior) to also be responsible and honest with your wife that you're willing to betray her now - by chasing your fantasy life.

 

So really = you could potentially end up without any of these women...just by "needing to talk to fantasy gal".

 

 

There is risk in every choice you make.

 

Choose wisely.

 

Life is what YOU make it every single day.

[whichwayisup]

burnt has got it right.

 

 

And I do intend to speak with her. I will obsess until I do, and I've got nothing to lose. My wife, who I do love, will not know that I made this one phone call.

 

1)past flame ignores you. doesn't answer at all.

2)past flame tells you to f off and leave her alone.

3)past flame says she loves you too and wants to talk more or possibly hook up.

 

You have your self respect and morals to lose. Imagine your wife doing this behind your back? How would you feel? Come on, don't do it.

[whichwayisup]

There are a lot of "what ifs". The worse "what if" I can think of is that she will resent my calling her. But, I won't know until I do.

 

Sometimes it's best to not know.

 

Or, how about your tell your wife how you feel? Your obsessed thoughts and feelings for your past flame IS interfering with what you feel towards your wife. Maybe telling your wife will help you reconnect with her and rid of your feelings and obsessed thoughts. Tell her that you were 'this close' to contacting the past flame. Her reaction might just be enough to make you stop and realize wtf you're about to do. A big mistake that could ruin your life, ruin all that you know and love.

[S2B]

burnt has got it right.

 

 

And I do intend to speak with her. I will obsess until I do, and I've got nothing to lose. My wife, who I do love, will not know that I made this one phone call.

 

Ahahaha, ya right... Ummm ok.

 

You're obsessing so much about this that you actually think it's going to leave your mind when you call? NO, it's not! Guess what? When you spend time and energy focused on something it grows BIGGER! You will only become MORE obsessed.

 

Go see a counselor for help overcoming your obsessive fantasy thoughts!

 

It's cruel what you're doing to your wife behind her back.

 

If you must persist in obsessing about another woman then get honest with your wife so she can make decisions for herself based on you being hyper focused on another woman.

[carhill]

IMO, don't call her unless you're willing to lose both ladies. If you're OK with that, make the call.

[OldRover]

Montsan,

 

You've got some negative comments here. I'll take the other side. You have feelings and want to talk to her.

 

Go ahead and call. Talk, and see how she is. I'll bet that she will be happy to hear from you. Get it out of your systems and bring it to an end.

 

With only a weeks time with her, you're not in love, but it was great. No reason you can touch base. You're not going to strike something up again. And, mention it to your wife.

 

I've done similar. Had a few old flames that I've reconnected with. One I dated for a few years, and was really hot on her, but school got in the way and we parted. I've seen her a few times since, after many years.... no issue. We were both married, and I was usually with my wife, who knew the whole story.

[whichwayisup]

Montsan,

 

You've got some negative comments here. I'll take the other side. You have feelings and want to talk to her.

 

Go ahead and call. Talk, and see how she is. I'll bet that she will be happy to hear from you. Get it out of your systems and bring it to an end.

 

With only a weeks time with her, you're not in love, but it was great. No reason you can touch base. You're not going to strike something up again. And, mention it to your wife.

 

I've done similar. Had a few old flames that I've reconnected with. One I dated for a few years, and was really hot on her, but school got in the way and we parted. I've seen her a few times since, after many years.... no issue. We were both married, and I was usually with my wife, who knew the whole story.

 

This won't get it out of his system, if anything it's gonna fuel his fire for her and he'll want more!

 

The fantasy he's created in his head about her is very powerful and hard to resist, she will never live up to his expectations but his brain will prevent him from seeing who she truly is because of how obsessed he is with her now.

[S2B]

Montsan,

 

You've got some negative comments here. I'll take the other side. You have feelings and want to talk to her.

 

Go ahead and call. Talk, and see how she is. I'll bet that she will be happy to hear from you. Get it out of your systems and bring it to an end.

 

With only a weeks time with her, you're not in love, but it was great. No reason you can touch base. You're not going to strike something up again. And, mention it to your wife.

 

I've done similar. Had a few old flames that I've reconnected with. One I dated for a few years, and was really hot on her, but school got in the way and we parted. I've seen her a few times since, after many years.... no issue. We were both married, and I was usually with my wife, who knew the whole story.

 

 

OldRover,

 

Yours was within a reasonable mindset.

 

This guy has admitted that he's obsessed with the fantasy.

 

IF he must call her why not have his wife with him when he calls? That's a reasonable request. IF this poster has nothing to hide and isn't being sneaky then he won't have any problem having his wife sit in on the call.

[waterwoman]

"IF he must call her why not have his wife with him when he calls?"

 

Good idea. If that isn't acceptable I guess he needs to admit that he wants to do is to start something potentially damaging to his marriage. Making contact with an old friend - no problem and his wife could know about it. Making secret contact with an old lover with a faint chance of restarting the old relationship - not OK.

[privategal]

oh geez, I don't see the big deal.

Everyone who is married has a past and a first love, or many loves that may cross your mind.

People are so uptight here. And judgemental.

Just because your married it doesn't make you dead inside.

You can have the fond memory of a past love.

If true love never dies than even 20, 30, 40 years later you can still feel a pang of love for someone.

He looked up an old love and suddenly he has to alert his wife, go to counseling, and find out what is wrong with him?

Its called being human.

Its called remembering.

And he looked her up, and if HE doesn't feel its out of bounds to call her, it is his life, his marriage, his decision to want closure.

I know for a fact my husband still will always have a special place and a love for his ex. They meant a lot to eachother. They weren't meant to end up together, but that doesn't mean he has some sort of robot switch to just erase it and forget it. I wouldn't want him to.

It was an important part of his life.

Im his wife, he loves me, I don't own him, I don't try and control his heart and memories and need to know every private thought.

If he looked up an old flame on FB ok, its not threatening our marriage unless I want to make a federal case of it and pretend I am the only woman he can possibly ever have eyes for. That's impossible.

Past loves are a real and relevant part of all of us.

I find it very human and normal to think of them and still care.

I don't think every little thing in life has to be SO inappropriate like these boards suggest.

[Montsan]

OldRover and privategal...................

 

 

Thank you for understanding. My feelings are not a fantasy. My feelings are real. I have, in fact, called a couple of times, but there's been no one home. I'm not going to leave a message. I've decided that the worse case scenario is that her husband answers and says she is not at home, in which case I will ask when a good time will be to get hold of her. When he asks who I am, I will simply tell him that I'm an old friend from long ago who lost touch with her, that I recently found her on Facebook and decided to give her a call and see how she's doing. If he says he'll give her a message to call me back, and if she doesn't, I won't know if he forgot to tell her or if she recognizes me and doesn't want to.

 

 

Again. "what ifs".

 

 

This doesn't mean I don't love my wife, which I do. Very much. She was also very beautiful when I met her 36 years ago. And she has those same qualities - a warmth and love within her that shines through. She's been the ultimate wife and mother - kind and patient and loving.

[GorillaTheater]

This doesn't mean I don't love my wife, which I do. Very much. She was also very beautiful when I met her 36 years ago. And she has those same qualities - a warmth and love within her that shines through. She's been the ultimate wife and mother - kind and patient and loving.

 

 

Then ask yourself why you haven't told her what's going on with you. Ask yourself also how she'd likely react and why.

[privategal]

OldRover and privategal...................

 

 

Thank you for understanding. My feelings are not a fantasy. My feelings are real. I have, in fact, called a couple of times, but there's been no one home. I'm not going to leave a message. I've decided that the worse case scenario is that her husband answers and says she is not at home, in which case I will ask when a good time will be to get hold of her. When he asks who I am, I will simply tell him that I'm an old friend from long ago who lost touch with her, that I recently found her on Facebook and decided to give her a call and see how she's doing. If he says he'll give her a message to call me back, and if she doesn't, I won't know if he forgot to tell her or if she recognizes me and doesn't want to.

 

 

Again. "what ifs".

 

 

This doesn't mean I don't love my wife, which I do. Very much. She was also very beautiful when I met her 36 years ago. And she has those same qualities - a warmth and love within her that shines through. She's been the ultimate wife and mother - kind and patient and loving.

 

 

I don't think this is so crazy. I get it. And Im not suggesting any confessions need to be made to your wife, but I just had a thought that, it could open up a cool conversation and her views might intrigue and interest you if you were to say hey honey, I had the strangest thing, an old friend, (share the story of that week) come to mind, It made me curious, do you ever wonder about past loves, do you think true love ever dies, that kind of thing. If she got jealous of your thoughts you can assure her, you can even be so open if you wish that you wonder how she is and wouldn't mind being friends. Personally I don't think it is a big deal, it can be, if you let it, but these boards are quick to tell people they are cheaters, liars, bad wives and husbands and parents, and that people need IC.

 

 

Like seriously, people are complex and human and not robots and do not always have dark ulterior motives etc. Handle it the way YOU wish, and what is right for you, because these boards will make you want to throw yourself over a bridge sometimes in the way they paint a whole picture of someone and fill in all the blanks on their own and all the advice and moral opinions given to so many posters seems the same. All of our minds, marriages, experiences, values, and reasons for everything we do depend on us, our background, personality, character, religion, its up to us, its personal. Follow your heart, gut, and your own values. Society doesn't get to pick that for you.

[Montsan]

There's no reason for me to tell my wife. There's no point in hurting her. It's not like I'm out there cheating on her.

 

 

I'm nearing the end of my life. I don't know how many years are left to me. It's ridiculous to say that I want to rekindle a relationship with a woman who has possibly been married as long as I have, and from all indications, has had a very happy marriage.

 

 

Before I go, I'd like to just hear her voice one more time and find out if she's been happy all these years. I just really need this closure.

[carhill]

Well, you requested input on this issue and have received some, including from someone who's done what you're contemplating, me, so take it for what it's worth and move forward. If you want to contact her, do it this morning. Get it done. Thinking about it is taking time and focus away from your marriage and your wife of 35 years.

[Montsan]

Well, you requested input on this issue and have received some, including from someone who's done what you're contemplating, me, so take it for what it's worth and move forward. If you want to contact her, do it this morning. Get it done. Thinking about it is taking time and focus away from your marriage and your wife of 35 years.

 

I had written in previous post:

 

 

Thank you for understanding. My feelings are not a fantasy. My feelings are real. I have, in fact, called a couple of times, but there's been no one home. I'm not going to leave a message. I've decided that the worse case scenario is that her husband answers and says she is not at home, in which case I will ask when a good time will be to get hold of her. When he asks who I am, I will simply tell him that I'm an old friend from long ago who lost touch with her, that I recently found her on Facebook and decided to give her a call and see how she's doing. If he says he'll give her a message to call me back, and if she doesn't, I won't know if he forgot to tell her or if she recognizes me and doesn't want to.

 

 

Again. "what ifs".