Unrequited Love

[Montsan]

Dammit! I wish I had never found her on Facebook! All these years I figured she was somewhere in Germany, way far away. Whenever I'd think of her over the years, it would be with fond memories, and if I started to dwell on her too much I'd begin to feel an aching in my heart, and then put her out of mind.

 

 

But now she's suddenly resurfaced. She's come back. She's real and alive. It's tearing me up knowing that she lives only twelve hours from me. No, I'll never make the drive, but just knowing that she's so close is almost too much to bear.

[BettyDraper]

You are idealizing this German woman based on one week of bliss with her. I bet she has more flaws than you think.

 

Is there any reason why you can't make a conscious decision to focus on your WIFE instead?

 

If not, do you want to focus on the woman you have promised to love forever?

 

It's like you are stubbornly clinging to the memory of the German woman without examining what you are missing in your marriage.

Maybe you have been with your wife for too long and you're bored. That's just my opinion; I can't be sure what the real issue is.

Edited January 18, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Montsan]

Does there have to be a real issue? Maybe the real issue is that I have simply been in love with this girl for most of my life.

[minimariah]

Does there have to be a real issue? Maybe the real issue is that I have simply been in love with this girl for most of my life.

 

you met this girl over 35 years ago... & spent a week with her -- what do you know about her? what did you knew THEN about her? what exactly have you been in love with for most of your life when you saw so little of her?

 

can you point out her virtues & flaws? real ones, of her real character? do you know how she thinks or feels about love & marriage? do you know anything about her family background?

 

when you spend YEARS pinning for someone... when everything is based on pure lust - it is an issue.

 

why is it hitting you so hard now? why did you decide to look her up NOW? why not 10, 20 years ago?

[Montsan]

why is it hitting you so hard now? why did you decide to look her up NOW? why not 10, 20 years ago?

 

Because it wasn't possible to look her up 10, 20, or even 5 years ago.

[Montsan]

 

when you spend YEARS pinning for someone... when everything is based on pure lust - it is an issue.

 

 

Maybe you ought to read a bit more of what I've posted before making statements like that.

[minimariah]

Because it wasn't possible to look her up 10, 20, or even 5 years ago.

 

Facebook was founded more than a decade ago -- it was definitely well & working 2 years ago... so why did you look her up NOW & not in 2013? why didn't you look her up 9 months ago? why NOW? there has to be a reason - so what is it?

 

He went to visit one day when her husband was gone and they ended up in bed together. She planned to leave her husband for George but then later told George that her husband had begged her not leave and she decided to stay.

 

wrong. Gerrie (the woman's name) actually divorced her husband & hooked up with Eiferman. was pregnant & chose her husband (REmarried him) - while keeping the child a secret from Eiferman & only called Eiferman AFTER she was really old & single.

 

now - from my perspective... that does not even come close to a true love story but to you... it's something you super strongly identify with (even though you've never met Eiferman to talk about how true his love or marriage is or was).

 

see? another fantasy based on... what exactly?

 

How different and happier their lives might have been had she followed her heart and left her husband?

 

how do you know that REMARRYING her husband & going back to him wasn't what her heart was telling her at the time? i will remind you - she was SINGLE when she hooked up with Eiferman. she was married when she MET him but she actually did divorce her husband & only then did she spent one fatal night with Eiferman. while being single and divorced.

 

did you ignore that detail on purpose because it does not fit your fantasy?

 

ALSO... how did you go from THIS --

But I've never gotten over the love of my life.

 

to THIS --

Well, friends and neighbors, my obsession seems to be finally subsiding. In retrospect, "the love of my life" was actually someone I'd thought of fondly on occasion over the years, and each time I'd think of her, I'd wonder where she was, how she was doing, and hoping she had found the happiness she deserves.

 

in a couple of posts, literally? & now you're back to the "life of my life" feelings?

 

what exactly do you think you felt for that girl in a week? what feelings you think can, realistically, develop in a week? between two people. just asking in general.

 

what does LOVE mean to you? how would you define love?

Edited January 18, 2016 by minimariah

[Montsan]

Yes, I've been fluctuating. I'll go...o.k. I'm o.k. now. I've rationalized it. I'll be better. ................then it will hit me. Not! I bring up her FB page and I'm right back there again.

 

 

I am not naïve, I am not impetuous, and I am not a hopeless romantic. I've had more relationships with women ranging from one night stands to a week, to a couple weeks, to a couple months than I'll ever be able to remember. She is the only girl I ever really fell in love with. I had never been in love until I met her. I have been very fond of a lot of girls, but never head over heels in love. I can't help what I feel and all of the counseling and rationalizing in the world isn't going to change that.

[Montsan]

As to your other question that I'm being lambasted with....I had always assumed my girl was back in Germany and I occasionally did a search in that regard. I never thought of looking on Facebook until just over a week ago Her first and last post on FB was in 2014.

 

 

As far as the Eiferman story goes, I related it as well as I remembered it. If I'd known a prosecutor was going to get on the case, I would have certainly researched it more carefully.

[BettyDraper]

Does there have to be a real issue? Maybe the real issue is that I have simply been in love with this girl for most of my life.

 

Maybe there is a problem in your marriage that you're not willing to acknowledge.

 

Do you think that you love the German woman more than your wife?

 

What you think is love is just limerence. You cannot truly love someone after knowing them for only a week.

[minimariah]

...I am not a hopeless romantic.

 

but don't you think pining away for someone you knew 30+ years ago (for a WEEK) & considering them the love of your life IS hopelessly romantic?

 

I can't help what I feel and all of the counseling and rationalizing in the world isn't going to change that.

 

no one here is trying to change your opinion, feelings or thoughts - we're just trying to understand you & break everything down -- one piece at a time... but you're unwilling to dig deeper.

[BettyDraper]

Yes, I've been fluctuating. I'll go...o.k. I'm o.k. now. I've rationalized it. I'll be better. ................then it will hit me. Not! I bring up her FB page and I'm right back there again.

 

 

I am not naïve, I am not impetuous, and I am not a hopeless romantic. I've had more relationships with women ranging from one night stands to a week, to a couple weeks, to a couple months than I'll ever be able to remember. She is the only girl I ever really fell in love with. I had never been in love until I met her. I have been very fond of a lot of girls, but never head over heels in love. I can't help what I feel and all of the counseling and rationalizing in the world isn't going to change that.

 

So you weren't in love with your wife then? Wow. Looks like it is time to leave your wife and follow your heart.

 

It is only fair to your wife to be with someone who truly loves her.

[S2B]

Does there have to be a real issue? Maybe the real issue is that I have simply been in love with this girl for most of my life.

 

Or maybe you're in love with idealizing a woman you barely knew but had sex with.

 

That is much different when you never had a chance to argue, bills and kids and illnesses like real life offerings.

 

What happened recently that has you needing an escape to fantasy land?

[OldRover]

So you weren't in love with your wife then? Wow. Looks like it is time to leave your wife and follow your heart.

 

It is only fair to your wife to be with someone who truly loves her.

 

Betty,

 

I feel that you're a bit harsh. He's not going to leave a 30 yr marriage because of a great time for one week, regardless how strong he feel...... UNLESS, there's something seriously wrong with his marriage.

 

As for "someone who truly loves her"...... do you think the OP doesn't truly love his wife? Or is it "somewhat" truly? Or does anyone ever get someone to "truly" love them? All pretty debatable.

[BettyDraper]

Betty,

 

I feel that you're a bit harsh. He's not going to leave a 30 yr marriage because of a great time for one week, regardless how strong he feel...... UNLESS, there's something seriously wrong with his marriage.

 

As for "someone who truly loves her"...... do you think the OP doesn't truly love his wife? Or is it "somewhat" truly? Or does anyone ever get someone to "truly" love them? All pretty debatable.

 

Montsan won't answer any questions about what is going on in his marriage though. He has also said about the German: "She's the only one I ever fell in love with. I had never been in love until I met her." I think Montsan includes his wife in the women he never really loved but I don't know.

 

I believe that when someone makes the choice to marry, he wants to love his wife for the rest of his life. Unforeseen circumstances can occur but most people do not get married just to get divorced. We all notice attractive people and think about past loves. It becomes unhealthy when thoughts of others consume our minds when we are married.

 

As for being harsh, Montsan's lack of respect for his marriage is disturbing. He hardly talks about his wife or children in this thread because he is too busy pining for the German woman. I don't think that he's being realistic or fair to himself or his wife. What would have happened if Montsan's wife found out that he called this woman or she found the letter he wrote? The potential consequences are why I think that harshness is necessary.

Edited January 18, 2016 by BettyDraper

[whichwayisup]

Betty,

 

I feel that you're a bit harsh. He's not going to leave a 30 yr marriage because of a great time for one week, regardless how strong he feel...... UNLESS, there's something seriously wrong with his marriage.

 

As for "someone who truly loves her"...... do you think the OP doesn't truly love his wife? Or is it "somewhat" truly? Or does anyone ever get someone to "truly" love them? All pretty debatable.

 

If he truly valued his marriage and truly loved his wife he would realize that what he feels for his past flame is based on fantasy and memories from over 30 years ago. She isn't the same person and he isn't the same person. Life experiences changes people as well as kids and being a spouse.

[whichwayisup]

Does there have to be a real issue? Maybe the real issue is that I have simply been in love with this girl for most of my life.

 

Don't you think your wife has the right to know the man she married is in love with someone else? If you really do feel this way then your whole marriage has been a lie. Not saying you don't love your wife, I'm sure you do, but not in the same way you do for german woman. Then again, how much of this is fantasy and a big build up in your head? The brain is pretty powerful to fill in the gaps, reality is, it probably isn't as intense as you've made it to be. Plus you've implied it's one sided (unrequited) so that means she doesn't feel the same towards you.

[S2B]

Betty,

 

I feel that you're a bit harsh. He's not going to leave a 30 yr marriage because of a great time for one week, regardless how strong he feel...... UNLESS, there's something seriously wrong with his marriage.

 

As for "someone who truly loves her"...... do you think the OP doesn't truly love his wife? Or is it "somewhat" truly? Or does anyone ever get someone to "truly" love them? All pretty debatable.

 

Is Montsan you OldRover?

I'm wondering because you seem to be defending him in a strong way - as if he is you?

 

Why are YOU speaking FOR him?

[Mr. Lucky]

I am not naïve, I am not impetuous, and I am not a hopeless romantic.

 

You're certainly not a romantic but you may qualify as hopeless.

 

I wonder what advice you've give one of your adult children in this situation were they to tell you of their determination to undermine the future by longing for the past? What would your marriage be like were you to invest this emotional energy in the relationship?

 

You're wasting more than time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[waterwoman]

Don't you think your wife has the right to know the man she married is in love with someone else? .

 

Precisely. That is the issue here. Whatever does or does not happen with the German lady, the most important issue is where it leaves your wife and your marriage. I think she at least needs to know where she stands - right now a clear second in your heart. I really feel for her

[Montsan]

Well, all I can say is that I am in a highly charged emotional state right now, and I've been writing down my thoughts as they come to me. If there are inconsistencies, I certainly don't have to worry about them as there are people here who are only too happy to point out them out to me.

 

 

My main purpose here was to simply get my thoughts written down and to share my story. It makes me feel a bit better to have done so.

 

 

I was asked what my definition of love is, and I'll tell you. It's when your heart soars every time you look at or think of the woman you love. It's to look into her face and to feel a love so strong for her it almost brings you to tears, to feel an emptiness in you that has been filled, and to just know that she is the one and that no other woman could ever compare.

 

 

And, yes, I do love my wife. She has been the ultimate wife and mother, and our children have grown up in a secure, loving home. How can I say that when I've proclaimed my love for my German girl? It's complicated.

 

 

I think I've pretty much gotten everything off my chest, and I thank everyone for listening and offering your views.

 

 

No, OldRover is not me.

 

 

bye

[BettyDraper]

Well, all I can say is that I am in a highly charged emotional state right now, and I've been writing down my thoughts as they come to me. If there are inconsistencies, I certainly don't have to worry about them as there are people here who are only too happy to point out them out to me.

 

 

My main purpose here was to simply get my thoughts written down and to share my story. It makes me feel a bit better to have done so.

 

 

I was asked what my definition of love is, and I'll tell you. It's when your heart soars every time you look at or think of the woman you love. It's to look into her face and to feel a love so strong for her it almost brings you to tears, to feel an emptiness in you that has been filled, and to just know that she is the one and that no other woman could ever compare.

 

 

And, yes, I do love my wife. She has been the ultimate wife and mother, and our children have grown up in a secure, loving home. How can I say that when I've proclaimed my love for my German girl? It's complicated.

 

 

I think I've pretty much gotten everything off my chest, and I thank everyone for listening and offering your views.

 

 

No, OldRover is not me.

 

 

bye

 

Goodbye Montsan. I hope that you come to appreciate what you have rather than risking a ruined marriage over someone from decades ago.

 

I didn't think that OldRover was you. I think he was just defending you.

How anyone can defend your behavior is beyond me since it is completely inappropriate and more than a little bit pathological.

[OldRover]

We all have our opinions and sure, they differ. That's part of life. Sometimes we get pretty critical, and one has to sort through the good and the not so good advise.

 

Overall, Montsan's situation is not exclusive, as many have similar situations, and he simple was looking for some answers.

 

I'm betting that he will keep his wife informed and life will go on, and he will find some solution or closure to his German lady. Yes, there is some risk, but I'd bet it's very small. And if I'm wrong and he ends up in a "German" affair, I'll eat crow.

 

I defend him because I have been there, and have been able to deal with it without issue. I have kept my wife or SO in the loop, but not necessarily at the first thought or contact. Just worked well for me.

 

So be it.

[The D Train]

Funny thing. We had incredible sex. We did it from every position imaginable and then some, and then we regressed to performing unspeakable acts upon each other that would have made porn stars blush. But I never think about that. Every time I think of her I see her face and hear her soft voice and the way she had of making me feel loved. Oh, god! Will I ever stop thinking about her?! I miss her so much!

 

 

Same here, we were in college & joked that we were rabbits but it is not the sex I think about. It was she was my best friend and then all of a sudden, POOF she is gone. I remember the pain I had for years after we broke up and being rejected by her when trying to get close again. I remember how we could talk for hours and I am not a conversationalist. There has been virtually no contact between us for 15 years. I equate to your best friend dying but then has a chance to come back to life many years later.

[minimariah]

I'm betting that he will keep his wife informed...

 

he didn't keep his wife informed for over 30 years -- what makes you think he'll start now?