The D Train Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 There's no reason for me to tell my wife. There's no point in hurting her. It's not like I'm out there cheating on her. I'm nearing the end of my life. I don't know how many years are left to me. It's ridiculous to say that I want to rekindle a relationship with a woman who has possibly been married as long as I have, and from all indications, has had a very happy marriage. Before I go, I'd like to just hear her voice one more time and find out if she's been happy all these years. I just really need this closure. I hear ya and going thru something kinda similar. I am 44, been married 15+ years. My ex college girlfriend (my first love) of almost 3 years facebooked me a couple years ago (2014) and we exchanged some friendly harmless messages but I did tell her she looked great and hadn't changed in 20 years since we were together. We hadn't any contact since a random meeting at the grocery each with our spouses around the year 2000. My wife has had issues with my feelings for my ex, especially when we were first dating and over supposed excitement when we ran into her at the grocery. I don't want to hijack thread so I wont go into detail. My wife who has a 6th sense about stuff like this and/or has FBI-worthy interrogation skills asked me out of the blue if we were friends on FB. I told the truth and it came out we exchanged messages, which I had already deleted. I unfriended her. But I am dying to actually see my ex. There were a lot of issues when we broke up 20+ years ago and emotional pain on both sides. I think seeing her and talking with her would help with that pain. If you want to message me, I am happy to exchange thoughts with you. Might be helpful for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) D Train........... Despite what people have been telling me here, You can't help your feelings. Your feelings are what they are. As I've said, I'm near the end of my life and there's no sense in trying to pursue anything. But you are young. Decide now, as hard and painful as it might be, to pick up on one and let the other one ride. The day may come, years from now, when you will have to admit to yourself that you had wished you had followed your heart, and by then it will be too late. Edited January 14, 2016 by Montsan Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 But I am dying to actually see my ex. There were a lot of issues when we broke up 20+ years ago and emotional pain on both sides. I think seeing her and talking with her would help with that pain. In what way :confused: ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Call again, leave a message if no answer. Done. Anything that results is the results. Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 In what way :confused: ??? Mr. Lucky Many ways actually but not to start an affair with her. It took a while but I have accepted that she wasn't the one as we do have some personality differences and my wife fits mine better. One, we were really good friends and just to see how she is doing. Kinda like a best friend you had many many years ago and you want to see what they have been doing for the last 20+ years and how they changed. Next, to apologize to her for what I did and how I treated her while we dated. I was immature and insecure then and had never had a girlfriend before. Finally, and bear with me on this, I mentioned there was pain when we split. I am sure she had much pain. I cheated on her as we were growing apart. Before we broke up, she had cut off sex and said she wanted to wait until marriage. I had put on weight during that time so looking back I blamed her lack of interest on my appearance. She also threw her post break up conquests in my face. Maybe I deserved that. She began to date her current husband and pretty much told me to get lost. We would chat occasionally prior to that and post break up. He had family money and they got married and I was fat, single and struggling career wise at the time. Fast forward 22 years, she is still married to rich guy but now he looks like humpty dumpty, bald with 3 chins. I have turned out to have a very successful career and have lost a lot of weight and am in really good shape. I know it is juvenile but I think it would help me with the pain I had to show her how I turned out. Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 But you are young. Decide now, as hard and painful as it might be, to pick up on one and let the other one ride. The day may come, years from now, when you will have to admit to yourself that you had wished you had followed your heart, and by then it will be too late. So I really want to reach out to her as explained above. My wife blew up at the FB messages and in the heat of the moment said I should call my ex to sort out my feelings. I told her she's in the past and means nothing and I would never call her. Do I be honest and tell my wife that talking to my ex may help with some pain I have? This contradicts what I told her that she's in the past and my wife could blow up again. Do I go behind her back and send her a FB message that I want to meet for a Starbucks to basically apologize for my past errors and help with the pain I have been carrying around? One my ex could FB message my wife that I have been contacting her. Two, my wife will eventually ask me if I ever ran into or talked to my ex and I will have to tell the truth. My wife knows when I am lying (again FBI interrogation skills). We live about 40 minutes apart but I am near her area about once a month for work stuff. I could visit the local hot spots - gas, groceries, Walgreens, etc to increase the probability of a random meeting but this kinda stalker-ish. That way I did not go out of my way to meet up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 D Train........... If I were you, I would arrange to meet this girl to talk things over and to see where you both stand. You won't be able to get her out of your mind until you do. You don't have to tell your wife about your meeting. You're not planning on cheating, just planning on talking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 Call again, leave a message if no answer. Done. Anything that results is the results. I took your sound advice. I called again. No one home. But I'm not going to leave a message. Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 D Train........... If I were you, I would arrange to meet this girl to talk things over and to see where you both stand. You won't be able to get her out of your mind until you do. You don't have to tell your wife about your meeting. You're not planning on cheating, just planning on talking. I can see where you are coming from. When I was in my late 20s I was still of the mindset that we would reconnect in some way maybe down the road. Same for when I was in my 30s. Now I am getting closer to 50 and as the Adele song goes "we are both running out of time". I think just talking and seeing her would help me get rid of the pain I had and reinforce that I ended up with the right person. TBD tho there is a thought in the back of my mind that says maybe there's still something there and who knows where each of us will be in 5, 10 years. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 It's great that you guys have bonded over this and everything, but Jesus. Pandora, meet box. The only closure anyone in this life gets, ever, is that which comes from within. There ain't an old lost love on the planet who can give it to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I took your sound advice. I called again. No one home. But I'm not going to leave a message. Does the phone go to voicemail? If yes, is it generic or have a human voice? If human, male or female? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 I can see where you are coming from. When I was in my late 20s I was still of the mindset that we would reconnect in some way maybe down the road. Same for when I was in my 30s. Now I am getting closer to 50 and as the Adele song goes "we are both running out of time". I think just talking and seeing her would help me get rid of the pain I had and reinforce that I ended up with the right person. TBD tho there is a thought in the back of my mind that says maybe there's still something there and who knows where each of us will be in 5, 10 years. Looks like you and I and a couple of others are the only ones who understand where we're coming from. Again, feelings are what they are, and all the amount of therapy, counseling, and reasoning with yourself in the world won't change that. Follow your heart. The outcome will be what it will be. You're not pushing 50, you're on the lower side of your 40's, and trust me when I tell you that that is still young. Don't look back 20 years from now and regret never having met with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 Does the phone go to voicemail? If yes, is it generic or have a human voice? If human, male or female? It is the voice of her husband. I'll try later this evening, later than I have tried, and if no one's home, I'll try Sunday mid morning. Dammit. I joined MyLife to get her email, and It says that they are continuously searching for that information and will alert me when something becomes available. They say the same thing for a number of categories. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I can see where you are coming from. When I was in my late 20s I was still of the mindset that we would reconnect in some way maybe down the road. Same for when I was in my 30s. Now I am getting closer to 50 and as the Adele song goes "we are both running out of time". I think just talking and seeing her would help me get rid of the pain I had and reinforce that I ended up with the right person. TBD tho there is a thought in the back of my mind that says maybe there's still something there and who knows where each of us will be in 5, 10 years. Oh, so now you also want to see her? How far away from you does she live? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Does the phone number have an address attached? If yes, send her a card. If you're really anal, like I was, heh, send it for her birthday. I'll bet you know her birthday, right? ha, ha. Like I said, chewing on this takes you away from the lady you say you love and who loves you, I presume. Each minute of it you'll never get back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 You went through this, too, huh? No, I want to talk to her. I have her address from MyLife. Ideally, I'd like to have her email address. But, that's impossible to find. I just paid to get on a site that supposedly has email info, but they don't. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Sure, not worth wading through 40K posts to find the details though. Suffice to say your situation is your situation and your results will be your results. Sitting on your hands won't get any results unless handprints on your gluts are the result you seek. IME, once the thought process gelled, the nuts and bolts took an hour and, heck, that was a decade ago when the internet wasn't near what it is now. Once you make the choice, you can never take it back. It'll go with you to the grave. If you're good with that, get going. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 The only closure anyone in this life gets, ever, is that which comes from within. There ain't an old lost love on the planet who can give it to you. Not only is this true but D Train, you prove it by saying: Fast forward 22 years, she is still married to rich guy but now he looks like humpty dumpty, bald with 3 chins. I have turned out to have a very successful career and have lost a lot of weight and am in really good shape. I know it is juvenile but I think it would help me with the pain I had to show her how I turned out. This is about you need for current validation, nothing to do with her or past pain. There are a million ways, from acts of service to athletic competition, for you to address this in a healthy way. TBD tho there is a thought in the back of my mind that says maybe there's still something there and who knows where each of us will be in 5, 10 years. "I wonder if my wife will get mad at me when she finds out I'm planning to (at least emotionally) cheat on her"??? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 15, 2016 Author Share Posted January 15, 2016 Originally Posted by The D Train TBD tho there is a thought in the back of my mind that says maybe there's still something there and who knows where each of us will be in 5, 10 years. Mr. Lucky wrote: "I wonder if my wife will get mad at me when she finds out I'm planning to (at least emotionally) cheat on her"??? Wrong. D Train needs to find out where his heart truly lies. And he'd better do it soon before time runs out. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 As astonishing number of MM are really good at telling themselves that they are not having an EA. They think that sex is the only "real" way to cheat and sex is the only way that the men cheat. And of course, anything emotional is swept under a "just friends" rug. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Wrong. D Train needs to find out where his heart truly lies. And he'd better do it soon before time runs out. What does that mean other than than he is contemplating ditching his wife for someone else? And that isn't something his w should know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 15, 2016 Author Share Posted January 15, 2016 (edited) Here's a true love story that might put things into perspective: George Eiferman was Mr. Universe in 1962. He was in love with a friend's wife, and she was in love with him. He went to visit one day when her husband was gone and they ended up in bed together. She planned to leave her husband for George but then later told George that her husband had begged her not leave and she decided to stay. Thirty years later her husband died, and when she called George to tell him, his response was, how does someone ask a woman who has just lost her husband to marry him? They married and loved each other until the day he died. Moreover, her son was actually George's, the result of their tryst 30 years before. How different and happier their lives might have been had she followed her heart and left her husband? Edited January 15, 2016 by Montsan Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Here's a true love story that might put things into perspective: George Eiferman was Mr. Universe in 1962. He was in love with a friend's wife, and she was in love with him. He went to visit one day when her husband was gone and they ended up in bed together. She planned to leave her husband for George but then later told George that her husband had begged her not leave and she decided to stay. Thirty years later her husband died, and when she called George to tell him, his response was, how does someone ask a woman who has just lost her husband to marry him? They married and loved each other until the day he died. Moreover, her son was actually George's, the result of their tryst 30 years before. How different and happier their lives might have been had she followed her heart and left her husband? So leave your wife. Today. Or do you want to make sure you have a branch to swing to next, in the form of your old love? That's no kind of sweet story; it's precisely what monkeys do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Here's a true love story that might put things into perspective: George Eiferman was Mr. Universe in 1962. He was in love with a friend's wife, and she was in love with him. He went to visit one day when her husband was gone and they ended up in bed together. She planned to leave her husband for George but then later told George that her husband had begged her not leave and she decided to stay. Thirty years later her husband died, and when she called George to tell him, his response was, how does someone ask a woman who has just lost her husband to marry him? They married and loved each other until the day he died. Moreover, her son was actually George's, the result of their tryst 30 years before. How different and happier their lives might have been had she followed her heart and left her husband? Except your wife is not dead, and George Eifermanin was probably not married when they reunited. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Or do you want to make sure you have a branch to swing to next, in the form of your old love? That's no kind of sweet story; it's precisely what monkeys do. As an xOW, let me tell you that this is not the case. lol Most never leave their wife. He just wants an EA. (consider that she lives on another continent) Link to post Share on other sites
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