What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

^I guess so too.

 

Today I have been reading on my booklets and other tip cards.

 

I have been reading about how to be assertive.

 

I need to be more open and honest. I need to respect other people. Stay calm and use "I".

 

I also read about how to build my confidence.

 

I need to be more positive. Take care of myself. I need to fight my inner critic. I shouldn't avoid things. And I should get help from others.

 

Pretty much all of that stuff I have been doing. And It is working.

[turnera]

One thing I decided to do, and it seems to help, is to promise myself I will always just...tell the truth. That way, you don't have to decide should I do this or that? Should I risk their anger or kiss their ass? It takes away that control over you, and lets you just follow that one simple rule: tell the truth. What happens to other people once you do...that's on them. It's very empowering. AND it takes away a LOT of your anxiety, no longer having to make judgment calls every day.

[Fruitee]

Yeah I guess then at least people can make up their own minds.

 

What I was so angry about was that my ex didn't let me decide for myself. If I wanna be his side chick or not. He just made that decision for me. And to make the joke hurt even more told me he loves me and wants to be with me. To make sure I would continue living in the lie.

 

I am just thinking. If he never left. I would still be with him.

 

Today when I walked home from the gym. I felt so free. Light.

 

Actually something funny happened at the gym. When I joined and started to go there like 1 month ago. I needed help with something. And I just asked this one guy who was standing next to me if he could help me. He was very nice but had no clue what I was talking about. But today someone who looked little bit familiar was doing something next to me. And suddenly he talked to me. He asked me if I figured my problem out. And then I exchange couple of words with him until he just walked away. I didn't feel weirded out or unconfortable. It was just nice experience that someone random just talked to me. That like never happens. I don't know why. I felt like hmm maybe I shouldn't lose my hope just yet.

[turnera]

You really do put out a 'persona' to people. We assess everyone around us, all the time. There's a lady on another forum who has always been 'too friendly' with men and at the same time naive enough to not realize that by acting that way, it made most of them want to sleep with her. So she has worked really hard to change 'who' she is when she interacts with people, and she's been amazed at how different her life is now, in just a month or two! We kept urging her to talk to females (ah, no, I don't get along with girls) and to watch how she interacts with men (they just see me as one of the guys). Uh, no. So she's had this whole world opening up in front of her now, now that she's turned off that 'blinking light' she carried around all the time that said 'hey guys, come flirt with me.' And she's loving the new female friendships she's been making. They're very fulfilling. btw, making female friends is advice I gave her, which my own IC gave ME. It really works.

 

Anyway, those of us who are damaged...we walk around with a completely different sort of 'blinking light' - the kind that says 'I'm screwed up, you can use and abuse me.' And once you start focusing on not being that person, you'll be amazed at the new, great reactions you start getting from the good, healthy people all around you. Who've been there all along, but because of the vibe you put off, they stayed away from you. That's what you're starting to enjoy now.

[Fruitee]

I think I also have that problem of being too friendly with guys and then I end up in casual relationships etc. I have some female friends but also many guy friends. My goal is to make at least one friend who is female and someone new during this year at school. I have already talked to two women and they seemed very nice. And I have been trying to avoid being in contact with guys unless they talk to me first.

 

I have been trying to think have my all relationships been ****ed up and have I always been letting guys treat me like they want.

 

I have also been examining my feelings and triggers that have lead to those feelings and trying to be realistic. E.g. the world doesnt end even someone is mean to. Or it doesnt make me less valuable that someone doesnt want me. Or that it is not my fault if someone cheats on me. Etc.

 

Today I also decided to tell my ex (not the crazy one) that I dont want him to be waiting around for me. That I dont know when or if ever I will be ready. And I dont want to get back together without facing my fears and being able to survive alone.

 

Right now I feel like I will end up homeless and hungry some where out in the streets. That I will not survive. I will die. I am panicking. Even though this is the right decision.

[Fruitee]

I was reading Verbally abusive relationship again today and i was wondering something i saw that gf writing to my ex. She said she thanks god for him. And i have been thinking that either she had very low expectations of relationships or no boundaries. Because if i was with a man i wouldnt make a baby for him if we were not married or at least living together. I know people have many different types of arrangements. But usually people at least live together before having a baby. Also how could she be thanking god for someone who just dissapears regularly. When ever he was with me he always turned his phone off. So he could be friday to sunday with me phone turned off. And that is ok for her.

 

When i was still talking to my ex i told him that if he wants to be with me he needs to start acting like it. And he always said yes yes. Once he actually told me that bs had ended long time ago but i just couldnt accept it. And how many times do we need to talk about this same stuff. He was blaming me not being able to move on after he had screwed up.

 

I wonder how one person can charm women that way. He had that type of power over us. She had totally unrealistic ideas of him and their relationship. While i was all the time waiting for him to realize he loves me.

 

I feel some how good for understanding that i can now just leave freely. I dont need to put up with anyones expectations. I dont need to be nice to any guy. I can do the **** i want. I dont have to wait on anyone. I can be myself. I dont need to look for acceptance. I can just be. With no worries what someone is doing or how they are feeling. I have taken my life into my own hands.

 

And at the same time i feel like i will die alone.

 

Such a weird feelings.

[Fruitee]

I also realized something else. After the gf knew. He pretended not to know me. I told him we are done and her that im done with him and she can keep him. Then he told her that he wants to be with her.

 

Later he also said that same thing to me. But some how defeated. Like he just gave up.

 

I saw that she was texting him sometimes when we was sleeping together. And i suppose he was still feeding her lies. Like he is tired and going to home to sleep. When in reality he came to sleep next to me.

 

I also think that the reason why he was suddenly so nice to me was because of that bonding stuff i read from here.

 

I dont know if they are now back and it is none of my business. But i suppose he could just continue doing whatever he is or was doing until he dies. Because still he is trying me.

 

And during autumn she was waiting on him to prove himself but later she told me that he never did. I felt weird victory even i know there are no winners here. And she victim just like i am. The only difference is i can just walk away. She has life long connection to him.

 

Even if i would continue with him i would always be the other woman who broke a family and i couldnt attend any family event etc. She and the baby would always come first. What i am curious though. Is how he is going to handle xmas etc family holidays with his two baby mamas. What a joke.

[dreamingoftigers]

My best guess is that, because you ARE so damaged, the only people you have attracted in your life are equally damaged. Your friend is just another case of that. He's as messed up as you are - two hurting people blindly reaching out for a moment of feel good.

 

Except now, you are learning. And growing. And changing. And realizing what a healthy person looks for and accepts. Don't take what these people do personally, it's just their damaged selves doing all they know how to do, because they aren't pulling themselves out of the quicksand like you are. Be proud of yourself.

 

Yeah, when I was younger I dumped all of the addicts one by one out of my life.

Once I quit drinking (wasn't much of a drinker, ha!) Then I didn't really have a reason to hang out with them. It's not so much being the only "not drunk" at a party.

 

Not one of them really did anything else too much aside from the drinking / partying /cheap sex game stuff.

 

I just ended up on a different path so a lot of those friendships organically ended and I really don't look back on them with contempt or fondness. They were just a part of my history.

 

Shortly after, different longer-type friendships formed.

 

You just connect better with people on the same wavelength. It doesn't mean that all of your friendships will end or anything.

 

I'll be a little open here: my husband used to live on the street. He had friends out there that would go and drink and travel etc. together. Then he stopped drinking and got off the street. It changed his perspective a lot. His old friends didn't contact him very much etc.

 

There's a few that have grown up too and have had kids etc. Sometimes we will run into one. We've had a few stayover at our place over the years. Some are just FB friends. But overall that chapter ended for him. (Some residual things). But he's a Dad that lives indoors now, it changes things. A few had ill will toward him "the snobbery of the Noble Bum." Most though it was "cool" and think our daughter is cute etc. But overall they don't really hang out anymore.

[turnera]

Right now I feel like I will end up homeless and hungry some where out in the streets. That I will not survive. I will die. I am panicking. Even though this is the right decision.

Wait, so you believe that you need a man so he can protect you? Physically, financially? Where did that come from? In your childhood?

[turnera]

I feel some how good for understanding that i can now just leave freely. I dont need to put up with anyones expectations. I dont need to be nice to any guy. I can do the **** i want. I dont have to wait on anyone. I can be myself. I dont need to look for acceptance. I can just be. With no worries what someone is doing or how they are feeling. I have taken my life into my own hands.

 

And at the same time i feel like i will die alone.

That's great stuff - the first paragraph. My mom divorced my dad for cheating and never dated again. She said 'why would I want to have to change myself just for some man?' And she loved being on her own.

 

As for the second paragraph, first, so what? Being alone is not a death sentence. Second, that's really unrealistic. It's just your negative brainwashing talking. You're learning and growing and becoming someone any guy would be lucky to have as a partner, and - after a while of doing some hard work to retool yourself - you'll start attracting the right kind of guy. You're definitely on the right track. And you're so young! You have SO many years ahead of you to find a good partner. My brother didn't even meet his wife til he was 35. So stop the stinkin' thinkin'!

[Fruitee]

Wait, so you believe that you need a man so he can protect you? Physically, financially? Where did that come from? In your childhood?

 

Something like that. I dont know where it comes from. I guess it makes me feel more safe to have a man in my life. Like I am not 100 % alone and able to take care of myself. Even I have already been living alone for the past year. But of course I had my ex. Now I dont have anyone to lean on. And it scares me.

[Fruitee]

That's great stuff - the first paragraph. My mom divorced my dad for cheating and never dated again. She said 'why would I want to have to change myself just for some man?' And she loved being on her own.

 

As for the second paragraph, first, so what? Being alone is not a death sentence. Second, that's really unrealistic. It's just your negative brainwashing talking. You're learning and growing and becoming someone any guy would be lucky to have as a partner, and - after a while of doing some hard work to retool yourself - you'll start attracting the right kind of guy. You're definitely on the right track. And you're so young! You have SO many years ahead of you to find a good partner. My brother didn't even meet his wife til he was 35. So stop the stinkin' thinkin'!

 

I love to be alone. I have even travelled alone. And it was so nice. I even talked to this one guy when I was on my trip and had fun afternoon in pub with him. I have been doing a lot of stuff alone that some people never do from going to movies alone to having coffee and dinners alone.

 

But I feel like I need a man to pack me up with money. But now I am looking for that better job. So I hope that will help with my fears

[turnera]

Something like that. I dont know where it comes from. I guess it makes me feel more safe to have a man in my life. Like I am not 100 % alone and able to take care of myself. Even I have already been living alone for the past year. But of course I had my ex. Now I dont have anyone to lean on. And it scares me.

That is a GREAT area of your life/mindset to work on. I look to my mom, who never overspent, lived simply, she was happy to live in a mobile home, but she also never worried for money, she saved, she paid for anything that needed done around her house...she basically never NEEDED a man around. You're a human being just like a man, so why would a man be needed? Strength? Ability to haggle? Knowledge? You can pay for strength. You can practice haggling. You can learn.

[turnera]

I love to be alone. I have even travelled alone. And it was so nice. I even talked to this one guy when I was on my trip and had fun afternoon in pub with him. I have been doing a lot of stuff alone that some people never do from going to movies alone to having coffee and dinners alone.

 

But I feel like I need a man to pack me up with money. But now I am looking for that better job. So I hope that will help with my fears

I LOVE going out to eat alone - that's my treat. I always have a book with me, lol.

 

What do you do? Do you have a degree? Can you get added certification? Learn more to be more valuable? That would be a great area of your life to concentrate in right now. My DD25's boyfriend is an animator, but jobs are sparse right now, so he's trained himself in several other animation programs so he can apply to more jobs and be a more valuable employee, and that got him better work. Something like that.

 

As for money, I recommend reading the book Rich Dad Poor Dad. It really changed my philosophy about money and how to make future plans for being safe. What is your income vs. expense ratio? Do you regularly save? How much?

[Fruitee]

I LOVE going out to eat alone - that's my treat. I always have a book with me, lol.

 

What do you do? Do you have a degree? Can you get added certification? Learn more to be more valuable? That would be a great area of your life to concentrate in right now. My DD25's boyfriend is an animator, but jobs are sparse right now, so he's trained himself in several other animation programs so he can apply to more jobs and be a more valuable employee, and that got him better work. Something like that.

 

As for money, I recommend reading the book Rich Dad Poor Dad. It really changed my philosophy about money and how to make future plans for being safe. What is your income vs. expense ratio? Do you regularly save? How much?

 

I work as manager in a kind of big company. But the pay sucks. Right now I have that much work experience that I am starting to be interesting candicate for other companies as well. I am also doing my Master's so that should help me later on getting better pay and director positions etc. I have been applying for jobs and trying to study very hard. I got very good grades last year and I have good motivation to study and work when I am not involved in stupid relationship drama.

 

My expenses are currently too high because renting is very expensive and I still have student loan to pay off. So I just need to take it easy now. I am saving but it is very slow to save as well when after expenses I don't have that much left. But I hope I will have better job before summer or at least during this year. I don't need that much more per month and it would make all the difference.

[Fruitee]

Today has been very hard for me. Because my crazy ex send me Happy Valentines. Then I tried to look at his GF photos to forget him but she looked so happy that I just got even more sad. Also watching movies with romance didn't help at all. I was thinking how last year he came to my place and we cooked and had sex and everything. And then he went to his gf. I wonder if he had sex with both of us during that day.

 

All in all I had nice weekend. So this will pass.

[Fruitee]

You guys were right. I got today into situation where someone called me names again etc. So I just said sorry you feel that way and now if you'll excuse me I will go and be [what he called me]. I didnt explain myself or tried to prove them wrong. Even when they said Im not beautiful I said ok there is plenty of beautiful women out there why not talk to them then. I feel better now than staying there to explain myself and trying to prove my worth.

[turnera]

Good job! Keep practicing that and it'll get easier.

[Fruitee]

Yeah it is a surprise to me how much just couple of months has changed me.

 

But I cant help and think about if him and I had some kind of chance. I know he couldnt last even 1 week without lying to me. But then again I am thinking if I am strong now and gave him a chance it is not a big deal if he dont deliver.

 

Yesterday one guy who I met like year ago send me Happy Valentines and I decided to go out for a date with him next weekend. Like a real date. Dinner and movie. Just because I think my crazy ex is coming back and I wanna be occupied Saturday evening. I feel little bit crappy but on the other hand I might have good time. So why not.

[turnera]

If you work on yourself, you will be surprised to find something: THAT guy? You wouldn't even be interested in him, once you are healthy. Because once you're healthy, you will have STANDARDS. And he wouldn't have met those standards, not by a longshot. You never would have given him the time of day in the first place. The first time you caught him a lie would be the last time you saw him.

 

Make sense?

 

I'm glad you agreed to go out with someone new. Before then, how about you write up your list of 'what I won't put up with' so you'll know it going into the date?

[Fruitee]

Yeah everything is starting to make sense now again. Kind of.

 

He already made all kinds of reservations (my date) and said that he is looking forward meeting me. So at least he is willing to actually spend his MONEY AND TIME on me. Because I said if he wants to meet me I'm not up for just another coffee date. I want a real old-fashioned date and he was like sure thing! I am not high maintenance but still it feels nice.

 

I will definetly make that list as well. I will think about already today.

 

I think this one guy has crush on me at school. I noticed him checking me out when we were doing our team work and I stood up. I guess my hard work (eh eh) in the gym is starting to pay off. At least my pants are feeling kind of loose now and I feel much better over all. So exercise combined with medication and reading and this forum is helping me a lot.

 

Yesterday I was feeling sad but not like iwannakillmyself-sad and it passed. So improvement on that side as well. I even asked my best friend how crazy on scale from 1 to 10 it would be to meet him. And she said: 12.

 

ALSO I finally understood something at this very difficult class I am taking at school. So even my brain is starting to work again. I didn't even lose my nerve today which usually happens at least once a day.

[Fruitee]

Oh yeah. I also decided not to call or text any guys anymore UNLESS I have something important to say. I decided I can for example call someone once a day but I don't have any reason to text or try to call someone all day long. Then if they don't pick up the phone or answer my text that's it. Of course it is different if I am in a relationship. But I am tired of making all the moves etc. So now I am going to DO ME and others can do the **** they want. And if I have time then I can meet them (if they plan ahead). I am already kind of busy with all of my stuff. So if they do not ask in advance then some other day. I am not gonna jump when someone texts me now unless it is adventure! They should be making plans with me if they wanna be part of my life. I am not going to be sitting at home waiting for some dude to come over or call me. **** that ****.

[Fruitee]

I just realised something. I read from this forum other threads. And I have always been thinking from my previous relationship that he was so busy. He was work addict. Never: my needs were not met. I wasnt happy. And that is the reason and problem. I am not reflecting what went wrong from my side but from his. I wasnt happy with my ex. So I gained weight. I bought unneccasary stuff. I cheated and ended the relationship and then went to other extreme.

 

Now I have lost my extra weight. Stopped buying stuff. I am going to gym. Taking care of myself. And so on.

 

Yes he was busy. But the problem was I wasnt happy. And I shouldnt compromise my happiness because someone else is too busy.

 

My self-esteem went down the toilet during those years I was with him. And then I punished myself with my crazy ex.

[Fruitee]

That "Sorry if you feel that way" line is the best. Also "I have plans" line is my new favourite. Sorry if you feel that way takes the focus out of me and puts it back to that person who said something about me. I dont need to explain anything or defend myself or say yes or no or whatever. It says that I hear what the other person is saying but it is their opinion of the matter and I dont need to fight over that. Easy. Also I have plans is vague enough and I dont need to come up with some excuse or whatever.

 

Yesterday this one guy send me text. I met him during my Xmas holiday. On our 1st date HE put MY hand on HIS penis!! So I told him that its better we do not meet again. And he asked me why? I said because you took my hand and put it on your penis. Im not interested dating someone with that kind of behaviour etc. So every now and then he asks me to meet him. I always say I have plans.

 

Well yesterday he texted me again. First I had to ask who is this because I had deleted his number already. Then he said I wanna meet you. I said why. Then he said he wanna cook for me. I said I have very strict diet now. He said we could meet tomorrow. I said I have plans. Then he said I could go to his place. I said no. Then he said he could come to my place. I said no. And I said we have had this same discussion before. I dont wanna repeat myself. Then he said: But I wanna cook for you. I said: I dont care what you want. () Then he said: I think you have problems. I said: Sorry if you feel that way. The best. I dont understand this guy. I have told him 2 months ago I dont wanna see him. Im not going to his place. He is not coming to mine. And every time he texts me I tell him no. And then I have problems? Well Im not gonna answer him anymore.

[Fruitee]

The realisation of I has been eye opening.

 

Why would I care what he did. He did this and that. I wasnt happy. If I am not happy. Then whats the point.

 

I have been focusing on other people and their actions. Not my happiness and my life.

 

Why I never thought of this?

 

It feels liberating.