dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I feel so angry at myself. I wanna scream and shout and I feel like punching someone. That sucks in one way and is good in another. I'm glad you are getting angry, just don't cave and contact him expressing it. They either get you when you are lonely, sad or mad. All keep you engaged with them. Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It will help you come to terms a little more with what happened You aren't alone on this. Lots of us have been lied to and mamipulated by abusive people.it messes wit h your head on a chemical level. It sounds like you are really waking up to what has happened and aren't just feeling hurt and crushed, a place that keeps you in the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 I havent told him how I am feeling. He is still blocked. Also none of his friends have contacted me anymore. I almost cried at work today but was able to chat with my friend about this and it passed. Rest of day I was busy so I didnt even think about him. I have also noticed I am not waiting for him to text me anymore. I sleep through nights again. I used to wake up so many times during nights. I had to break it off with that new guy which I feel little bit sad. I was using him and being angry at him because I couldnt be in contact with my ex. I told him that I am sorry and it would have been better if we had met some other time.. When I wasnt feeling this emotionally unstable. But in the end I also feel kind of good and excited. I am little bit worried about my financial situation. But also relieved because I know my ex wont be asking me for money anymore. I was so stupid in multiple levels. I have done so much reading and selfreflecting. So I guess I should take the positive out of this. And really appreciate this as learning experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Judging yourself as stupid is really just replacing who is abusing you. It was your ex, and then it's you. Stop it. It doesn't help and only keeps the cycle going. So you didn't know something that you know now. That's learning and growing and changing. Human experience. Use it for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 Im making reservation for therapy next week.. I just was thinking.. since he wanted to keep seeing me. Why did he chose this approach where he leaves without saying bye and then lies about coming back. Idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 He chose that method because it's a game. Manipulation. Eventually he will try to contact again to see if you are still hooked....so it's important you stay no contact. Once he finally gets that your not going to play anymore he will go away for good....but you'll still be facing the long healing process. And it really is better to wait to get involved again. Emotional abuse really DOES change your mental chemistry! I for certain am not, nor will I ever be the same again. There's gotta be a way though.... to get past it all for good. I'm just not exactly sure how, but I will keep searching for that answer till I find it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I feel so angry at myself. I wanna scream and shout and I feel like punching someone.Are you exercising? Hard enough to break a sweat? That will help with these moments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Im making reservation for therapy next week.. I just was thinking.. since he wanted to keep seeing me. Why did he chose this approach where he leaves without saying bye and then lies about coming back. Idiot. Frankly the short answer is, he'll rest a bunch of times to see how you respond to his crap. And he'll keep.goingnas long as you are reacting. The only way to make it stop is either he gets distracted enough with other stuff. You get a restraining order or go officially no contact. Eventually with no contact, he gets no reaction, he moves on after testing a whole bunch. At first he'd be bugging you all the time to see if you are just playing or not. Then it would extinguish over time. It would start with him acting like "nothing is wrong, you're just playing" to defending himself "you're acting crazy you know I love you" to rage "if you don't respond I will blah blah blah" to "I haz a sad, don't you care about me (guilt whine whine)", back to rage " you don't care about me! You bitch!" That contrition " oh clearly I made a mistake I am so so so sorry, can't you see how sorry I am." Then he'll stop contacting you suddenly so you think that "something happened to him, omigosh, its a dangerous world out there." Then maybe a final burst of frustration, then he'll quit. And that's if its a worse- case scenario. (Unless he's a total psycho that actually WILL come after you.) Most of these idiots will try twice, whine and then quit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 ^ That sounds exactly like him. Lol. Why he is such a text book case. I also understood that the reason why that woman kept contacting him is for sure because of that and the same stuff he is or was doing to me. After silence texting some I miss yous and send me selfie. He told me of course he didnt ask her to contact him or to send the photos and she was crazy and showed me some of the messages. 100 % sure he is doing same to me. When I was still answering him he showing it around how I cant let go even it was me who dumbed him and he couldnt take the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I dealt with all that cycling when I broke up with my controlling fiance. He finally gave up and went away. I'd like to say it was because I ignored him, which I did, but I really think it's because all the guys I worked with at our store got sick of him showing up and went outside and 'talked' to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Oh man now I am actually laughing. Because just last week he was texting me how he misses me and is my "daddy". Yes I know. :D I didnt come up with that. But him. And now I saw this photo of his official girlfriend visiting his home town. Of course I knew that she was going there to show the baby etc. But now I am imagining him going to toilet or something to text me how he wants to be my daddy and at the same time she is meeting the family. I feel kind of sorry for her though. But she decided on her life. I decided to leave them to it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Oh man now I am actually laughing. Because just last week he was texting me how he misses me and is my "daddy". Yes I know. :D I didnt come up with that. But him. And now I saw this photo of his official girlfriend visiting his home town. Of course I knew that she was going there to show the baby etc. But now I am imagining him going to toilet or something to text me how he wants to be my daddy and at the same time she is meeting the family. I feel kind of sorry for her though. But she decided on her life. I decided to leave them to it. I never understood the whole " Daddy" thing. I find it gross. One funny thing happened to me once regarding it. I had this ex-boyfriend who did security at the mall that o worked at when I was much younger. He had met my father who was, erm, unpleasant and very threatening generally as a rule. One night this drunk guy came by my store, which was right by the security office. He was a known drunk that got regularly banned from the mall. That night he was acting especially brave and started harassing me and my co-worker. He started shouting out, "who's your Daddy, bitch?" So my ex comes running out of the office and just says, "Dude. You don't want to know who HER Daddy is not you better get out of here before HE shows up." We all had a good laugh. Except for the drunk guy, who of course got kicked back off the property. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Yeah well I dont understand the whole daddy thing either. It feels weird how one month ago I would have been totally bummed about this photo. Now I am just laughing out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Polar965 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Time. Time is the real solution, and distance of course. Psychotherapy is helpful, insight oriented or behavior/cognitive work in particular, but ultimately time is the healer. Surround yourself with people who care for you...new or old. Eliminate contact, as much as is possible, from the abusive person in your life. Physical, emotional distance is important. Distraction is good. Find your passion and indulge yourself in it...avoid new relationships for a while, at least a year. And while it seems obvious, if you are in physical danger contact law enforcement and let them assist you in finding a safe place. None of this is ok. You need to reprogram your mind. Wish you the best. Stay safe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Someone wrote that the abuse changes something in brain chemical level. What does that mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Ill say for me it did. I was a pretty trusting, happy go lucky person prior to the ex. The things he did, stuff he said, and way he acted was so bizarre. But for some reason I think I got brainwashed to accept it. I was living in some kind of weird fog where I wasn't seeing things clearly and everything was somewhat muted. I began to get sick. Physically, and mentally. I believe this happened because he was telling me one thing, but his actions didn't match his words. So, deep inside I had this gut feeling, this intuition let's say that saw things clearly, yet I was being told, lied to and being called crazy because he was trying to make me believe something else. Then I woke up one day and saw everything REALLY clearly. That's when it finally ended. But for a while afterwards (bout a year or so) I fell into a deep depression because it scared the heck outta me that someone could be so uncaring and evil. It was game after game, cheating, gaslighting, lying to my face. It DID make me crazy. It Wasn't till I finally healed (bout 2.5 years) that I realized there wasn't a Damn thing wrong with me and it was HIS mental illness, that made ME mentally ill! Lastly, I'm ok and happy again,but I look at the world much differently now. I experienced evil/sickness first hand...and I will never forget it. I'm forever changed, and less trusting. Hope this made sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 I have now made reservation for therapy. I also already went to doctor and got some pills that help me to sleep and stay calm when I get very anxious. I had panic attack last week and again I have been sleeping poorly. But I have been exercising and meeting with friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 I was already doing so well. And now Im again thinking how he must have loved me. Or love me. But he dont. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Put a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself in your Negative Nancy mode, snap the rubber band. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 ^ I will do that. I just dont get him. How he could hide a baby from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Because some people just aren't right. Your job is to figure this out quickly and then get away from them. There will be tons of questions you will never get answers to. It's best to put your energies into moving forward instead of trying to solve the mystery of a sick man Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I will definetly read that book. Last year I thought I was going crazy. I couldnt understand what was going on. Now I feel like I can sleep and relax and think again. For example when I found out about the pregnant gf he told me that he dont know this woman. Then he said he slept with her once and he dont know if the baby is his. Then he admitted that they dated one summer and slept with her because him and I were not exlusive yet. He never admitted to me that they were in relationship and if baby was planned or not. I found out the truth only after talking with her. Then he pretended like he didnt know me and kept telling me that he dont have gf and I have wrong number. After that he started to tell me again how he loves me and wants to be with me. That he understand what kind of bs situation he put me in. That he is sorry. That he was supposed to tell me about it but he got too deep. At the same time he told her he only wants to be with her. And only try with her. But I think all he has are words. go to a doctor. ask him to examine your back. if you were eating a chocolate eclair, which lets' say you "love", would you keep on eating it when you discovered the filling was rat poop? i love a few things that are very poopy. that's why i never lay my hands on them. never lament my lost love. i can learn. i can remember what i've learned. can you? you sound intelligent. you sound like someone that could quite possibly make it out of this. keep doing what you do and you'll keep gettin what you got. let him go and be with his child. let the baby have a father. you have years and years and millions of minutes left in life. take out the trash, first, make sure the lid is firmly attached to the can. xoxo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 I feel like my feelings are going from deep sadness to i want to kill myself to anger and I want to punch him to being relieved that I dont have to deal with him anymore to being totally calm and not thinking about him. Even when he is out of town and he was texting me his texts made me feel bad and sad. When Im not in contact with him I feel good. But I also have this weird connection and graving and yarning and feeling that I need him and cant go on without him. I never felt like this. Even leaving 7 years of relationship wasnt this hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitee Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 This feeling I have inside of is some kind of primitive feeling. Deep and dark. Like I am small child whos mother abandoned her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 change your phone number. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 This feeling I have inside of is some kind of primitive feeling. Deep and dark. Like I am small child whos mother abandoned her. i wish this guy WOULD abandon you. he won't. he knows your easy pickins. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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