What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.

[Fruitee]

I wont be and I dont want to be easy pickings. I am working on very hard on this. I dont want to see him. I dont want to go through this again. I want to be happy. Feel good. Enjoy my life. I want to be better.

[dreamingoftigers]

This feeling I have inside of is some kind of primitive feeling. Deep and dark. Like I am small child whos mother abandoned her.

 

I totally get that!

 

You're very introspective. That's good, so you can see the harm this has done and can do.

 

There's something very weird about the way that abuse and manipulation work. It really toys with the deep-down insecurities.

 

I often wonder if those primitive type feelings were used to keep tribes together in the jungles so that everyone would have a better chance of survival (simply because they stuck together). The social isolation, or isolation from a mate to an early human (esp females) would practically be a death sentence.

 

That's why when those primitive emotions have been toyed with, its hard to let go.

 

(Personal Theory).

 

Truly I was shocked when I started having issues with my H. And I really wondered why I was making the same "idiot" choices. They really aren't "idiot" choices. In fact, had the time and place been different for us, even just a couple hundred years ago, the "smarter" choice is to stick by ones husband, even if they are abusive because otherwise, you are even more vulnerable.

 

But those things don't apply today. You aren't going to get eaten by a cougar or sold into prostitution because you "can't support yourself any other way." Women (and men) have increased power and access over their own lives.

 

Plus we have increased options for mate-selection. There's more than a dozen guys in the "tribe" now, and more healthy possibilities.

 

But that reptilian part of our brains just hasn't been informed yet.

 

You're doing great so far. Even just acknowledging how you are feeling is huge, a lot of people avoid HOW they are feeling and just go for the nearest relief, which can often be self-destructive or even just numbing.

[Fruitee]

Yeah I already decided on December not to e.g. drink my feelings away. Today I for example bought some vitamins because I am sure they will help me feel more healthy and maybe I wont get sick and be able to sleep etc. My friend recommended me vitamin D because it helped him while he was depressed. I will also drop by pharmacy to get my sleeping pills and anxiety medicine. Tomorrow I have therapy. Huh huh.

[Fruitee]

So funny thing happened. Apparently I suck at blocking people because he was able to send me multimedia message. So I checked what he had to say and I responded that I slept with someone else and he should enjoy his family vacation. Then he got mad (lol) and said HE wants to be HAPPY and that HE dont need this bs. I told him that if he thinks this is bs then he should try to be in a relationship with someone who has secret babies and gf's. He got even more mad. And told me that he is done and dont text me and be happy and he is going to block me now. I said enjoy. I know I should have been quiet but Im not really sure why this text message app sucks like this and I just wanted him to stop. And I knew if one thing would make him stop bothering me its telling him I am sleeping with someone else. So at least now I have more time. My medicine should start working in couple of weeks. His attitude towards my news was quite funny tho. That he dont need bs and is tired of this. Like he is the victim here. Well now I am glad I finally had the strenght to start the nedicine and go to therapy etc.

[bathtub-row]

Yeah they live to pull that nonsense. They basically re-write history to fit their needs. Completely ridiculous. I think it's funny what you said to him. He deserved to be stabbed a little. Boo hoo.

[turnera]

IDK, probably good that you told him all that. Now move on.

[dreamingoftigers]

See, you knew exactly where to hit him the whole time.

 

You just let him own the cruel part of the relationship the whole time.

 

Good for you.

 

[Fruitee]

Yeah they live to pull that nonsense. They basically re-write history to fit their needs. Completely ridiculous. I think it's funny what you said to him. He deserved to be stabbed a little. Boo hoo.

 

He actually said that he is not surprised that I am sleeping with someone / have a bf because I cheated on him while we were together. Yeah right...

 

Well the positive thing is I was able to sleep through night.

[Fruitee]

Can the medicine help this soon? 14 hours after taking the pill I feel some how different. Or is it just plasebo?

 

I am glad that I was reading those books because now I was able to see him bohohoo I am the victim here -manipulation tactic straight away and was able to be calm and just matter of fact. I didnt let him drag me down the drama path.

[Fruitee]

Okay so I was in the therapy today. I felt very nervous and I sweatted a lot during the talk. She said I should go there at least 5 more times. It lasted 1 hour and 15 min and I felt very tired afterwards.

 

She didn't give me any tips or anything what I should do. Only said I shouldn't read the messages he sends me.

 

First 45 minutes I spent mostly on explaining the relationship and talked little bit about my relationship before this crazy dude. She seemed like little bit surprised by my story and I was wondering if she really has anything to say to help me. But during the last 30 minutes or so. She said some stuff that really "hit me".

 

We didn't even talk about the violence today.

 

She said:

 

1. Guys like him have a lot of relationships. I knew about 3 plus me (around the same time). But there are probably even more. He might have a lot of "relationships" at the same time but not all ladies are being introduced to friends or being in public with.

 

2. It is usual for guys (or women but in this case guy) to keep their relationships separate. And for him to introduce both his "girlfriends" to his friends etc. is kind of risky and tells something about his nature. Because usually relationships like these are kept separate (especially from the "real life"). To make it sure they can last longer and not being caught.

 

3. He is like a small child graving for attention and is getting it from lot of women which makes him feel good. But this can only last as long as he has the charms.

 

4. He is probably very unhappy and stressed out in his life. It must be hard to live like he is living. And he is not able to deal with his emotions like normal people are. Like usually people are analysing inside their feelings and are able to control them. And he uses people and manipulation to deal with his emotions and feelings. When normal people self-reflect.

 

5. He is probably following the same routine / model in all of his relationships and he will never change nor his relationships will never last.

 

6. He is not able to make adult decisions and then stand by those decisions or carry the consequences of his decisions or choises in life.

 

7. Usually the wife (or husband) knows about the affairs and gives her (his) silent approval of the affairs because that is what keeps the marriage together. In this case he is not giving the option and is making the decisions for other people.

 

8. The girlfriend seemed to have very unrealistic ideas of the relationship with this guy.

 

9. If I want to continue the relationship with him I will end up hurting and suffering. It is choice I need to make. Is the good that good that I want to continue and deal with the heart break and hurting etc. and it outdoes the bad. It is my choice and my life.

 

10. And if I want to and my ex (before this crazy ex) wants too we can get back together. Because what happened after we broke up is none of his business and it is my private life. And if thats what I want I can do it. Also she said it is option for me to be alone and independent and I will probably find new relationship because I am still young. We also talked about what kind of man I like or want.

 

11. He is ruthless liar and probably (little bit) mentally unstable and might have some psycopath qualities.

 

12. He might be looking for some kind of romantic idealistic love, like in the movies, but his idealistic ideas of love will never probably be met (because we are all human after all and feelings like that don't last that long in the high) and thats why his relationships won't last and are quite short because when the reality hits he can't stand it.

 

13. He is manipulative. For example him telling me I ruined his life is just manipulation.

 

14. Guys like him really touch something inside of men and women, something from the childhood which makes it so hard to resist and let go.

 

Any thoughts and comments?

[dreamingoftigers]

I think she's got him pegged.

 

I don't agree with her "silent permission " on affair thing though. But that's not a bridge you gave to cross right now anyhow.

 

I hope that her description on him resonates with you, and that you stick with your decision not to be like him.

 

I also hope that the sessions fall more to talking about YOU and getting over the guilt/trauma from this relationship.

 

As well, I think you should definitely talk about that threats and violence etc.

[Fruitee]

I think she's got him pegged.

 

I don't agree with her "silent permission " on affair thing though. But that's not a bridge you gave to cross right now anyhow.

 

I hope that her description on him resonates with you, and that you stick with your decision not to be like him.

 

I also hope that the sessions fall more to talking about YOU and getting over the guilt/trauma from this relationship.

 

As well, I think you should definitely talk about that threats and violence etc.

 

Yeah she meant like in general or usually the wife "knows" and "approves". But in this case I "knew" and "approved" not the so called real gf.

 

Today we didn't have enough time to talk about me that much and how I can get over him. I told her what I have been doing. So I guess now she didn't have anything to add to it. But hopefully she will have some good ideas and just talking about all of this makes it easier for me to make up my mind or stick with my decisions.

 

I did tell her about the violence and threaths etc. And she said it must be scary etc. But nothing special about it. I hope next time we get more into those things.

 

I am going again next week.

[Fruitee]

Oh yes. The therapist also said or asked like how does it feel to know it was all just a lie. She said it like quite promptly: It was all just a lie. That none of this relationship was real. It was all just lies and manipulation. I told her that my brain knows all of it. I even wrote down on a piece of paper all of the things he did to me. All of the times he stood me up. And so on. But deep inside of me he has woken something that I always wanted to feel and wanted in a man. That I wish I could have a man like him but without all the bad stuff he did to me and without all his bad qualities. And my heart wants to believe in it. Then she said that yes I am thinking about how it was in the beginning. And that's what is keeping the hope alive. I wonder if there is guy like him out there. But without all of the bad and dirty.

[turnera]

My DD25 used to have a 'list' that she would physically or mentally carry around with her. It was her 'list of what I won't accept from a guy' checklist. She believed in second chances, but not third or fifth or hundredth chances. If a guy did something on that list, she'd give him another chance. But if he did it a third time, she decided - before she'd gotten attached to him - that it wasn't a 'mistake,' it was a 'pattern.' And she didn't do unhealthy patterns, at least not with guys. She's really smart and is getting a PhD in psychology, always reading psych textbooks for fun, lol.

 

But I've always been impressed that she's smart enough to know that if a guy crosses those boundaries, if he strikes out a third time on one of her Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms (from the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.) - those things she won't budge on, then he's not right for her and she needs to move on.

 

She had many friends who stuck with a guy, a crappy guy, just so they had a boyfriend. Nearly all of them are divorced, miserable, or divorced with kids, from putting up with those guys.

 

There are millions of men out there you can meet. Set your standards high, and you'll have much better luck.

[Hopeful714]

Ha! That's an awesome idea! I gotta make me one of those lists!

[Fruitee]

That list is awesome idea. I already have couple things in my list after that crazy guy. Like 1. Dont answer my texts in 3 days. 2. Turns phone off for no reason. 3. Stoods me up more than twice. 4 . Drinks too much. 5. Cant spend weekend at home. 6. Wants to have sex during first weeks of dating. 7. Thinks all of his exes are crazy. 8. Has never been in long relationship. 9. Dont have a job. 10. Didnt finish school due to lazyness. Stuff like that. I need to think more of this.

[Fruitee]

So I decided to check and he did actually do as he said. He had blocked me in whatsapp.

 

I have now made reservations for physiotherapy and for massage as well. Today I will go to gym too. I think is good for me now to take extra good care of my body because last year I did nothing and was sick all the time too.

 

The medicine is really helping me sleep and this morning when I woke up I didnt even use the snooze. I am very surprised by this.

 

I believe he is coming back in 1-2 weeks. But since he has blocked me I dont think we will be in touch anymore. So it should be ok in that sense. Also now I cant drink because of the medication so next time I will be going out is in March and I know for a fact he is not coming there. So there is no risk seeing him. I just worry if he will surprise me by coming over.

 

I still miss him and even I feel better I am still kind of sad and hopeless.

[turnera]

That list is awesome idea. I already have couple things in my list after that crazy guy. Like 1. Dont answer my texts in 3 days. 2. Turns phone off for no reason. 3. Stoods me up more than twice. 4 . Drinks too much. 5. Cant spend weekend at home. 6. Wants to have sex during first weeks of dating. 7. Thinks all of his exes are crazy. 8. Has never been in long relationship. 9. Dont have a job. 10. Didnt finish school due to lazyness. Stuff like that. I need to think more of this.

That's a lot like DD's list. She dumped one guy because he stood her up twice. She wouldn't have sex before at least a month. She wouldn't date someone who wasn't getting a college degree or else had a real, adult job. Can't be angry or controlling. Has to have a sense of humor. Oh, and is not a guitar player, lol. But she's now almost-engaged to a guy who plays guitar, so...

 

But that rule was back in high school, when the guys who played guitar expected the girls to just sit there and watch and listen adoringly, lol. And she was like, well, if you expect me to listen to you play guitar, you'd better sit there and listen to me play the piano.

[Fruitee]

I was thinking today what the therapist said that he might be looking for that movie type of love and I was thinking what I read from Baggage reclaim. And I came to conclusion that I wanna be the "exception of the rule". I think thats why we lasted so long and he still wants to be with me. Because he wants true love and I wanna be the One who wins him and no matter how many women he is seeing I am the Special One.

 

We lived from the drama and big feelings and fights and affection and big gestures. We were a good match in such sense.

 

But in the end. Is not healthy and he would just tear me up.

[Arieswoman]

"My DD25 used to have a 'list' that she would physically or mentally carry around with her. It was her 'list of what I won't accept from a guy' checklist. She believed in second chances, but not third or fifth or hundredth chances. If a guy did something on that list, she'd give him another chance. But if he did it a third time, she decided - before she'd gotten attached to him - that it wasn't a 'mistake,' it was a 'pattern.' And she didn't do unhealthy patterns, at least not with guys. She's really smart and is getting a PhD in psychology, always reading psych textbooks for fun, lol.

 

But I've always been impressed that she's smart enough to know that if a guy crosses those boundaries, if he strikes out a third time on one of her Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms (from the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.) - those things she won't budge on, then he's not right for her and she needs to move on.

 

She had many friends who stuck with a guy, a crappy guy, just so they had a boyfriend. Nearly all of them are divorced, miserable, or divorced with kids, from putting up with those guys.

 

There are millions of men out there you can meet. Set your standards high, and you'll have much better luck. "

 

 

Excellent advice from Turnera !

[Fruitee]

I have been trying to figure out how to block those mms messages too. But I havent got any luck yet. Today he send me a message which was photo of himself and asked me to return the favor. So I send him pic of his gf. I am horrible and going to hell.

[Fruitee]

Additions to my list: if guy says "you are crazy" "what is wrong with you" "if you think / say so" "why do you wanna start something" "i dont have time for this bs" "you are stupid"

[dreamingoftigers]

I have been trying to figure out how to block those mms messages too. But I havent got any luck yet. Today he send me a message which was photo of himself and asked me to return the favor. So I send him pic of his gf. I am horrible and going to hell.

 

Omg, that's not "horrible" that is very smooth in fact.

 

I laughed out loud.

 

Don't feel one iota bad about that. This guy made his bed and you asked him to stop bugging you so many times.

[dreamingoftigers]

Additions to my list: if guy says "you are crazy" "what is wrong with you" "if you think / say so" "why do you wanna start something" "i dont have time for this bs" "you are stupid"

 

These are all examples of verbal abuse.

 

If you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship, you'll see it.

 

 

You're doing REALLY AWESOME by the way!

[Fruitee]

Omg, that's not "horrible" that is very smooth in fact.

 

I laughed out loud.

 

Don't feel one iota bad about that. This guy made his bed and you asked him to stop bugging you so many times.

 

Well it was very unflattering image of his gf. Seeing that picture when I was looking at photos from some parties made me feel better about myself also I was laughing very hard at it. Because I felt like he was comparing me to her in negative light after I found out. E.g. slut shaming me.

 

So it wasnt nice to laugh at her appearance but it made me feel weirdly good also.

 

When he asked me to send something I was looking for some kind of funny picture but then I saw that one in my phone and just send it. Like once he asked me to call him because he couldnt call me after I haf blocked him. I sent him this photo of Dobby from Harry Potter saying that Dobby is a free elf. Dobby has no master. It was kind of funny to mess with him last year. Like if he said he wants to meet me I said I wanna meet Orlando Bloom. Or that he misses me or loves me I said I cant blame you etc.

 

But then I realized that it is still reaction and makes him think he has some power over me.

 

He just answered stupid after I send him that photo of his gf.

Edited January 31, 2016 by Fruitee