Dealing with wife's affair.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

You maybe right. Maybe her behavior in a few months will be the same, but how can I not give her a chance if she's explicitly telling me that she just needs a little space and that her current behavior is not a reflection of what she is "wanting of herself"? She explicitly told me that things should start becoming more sane for her very soon. She told me she expects to move back into the bedroom after the vacation, before the end of the year. I have also seen a few "improvements" in her behavior, in which she checks on me every morning and asks if I would like to have coffee with her.

 

The vacation is what she is paying for. She told me its her treat towards the entire family.

 

In the past 8 months, I think we may have been through initial stages of recovery which were like a roller coaster ride. I don't think any of those stages may have represented our true behaviors, perhaps because we were both in a lot of emotional turmoil.

 

The way I look at it is like this.... If I give her some more time, she will feel less pressure and will probably behave in her natural ways. If not for anything else, it would atleast give me a chance to see her natural and honest self. Either way, I have nothing to lose, except the extreme pain I suffer everyday. I can just take that like a soldier for some time.

Making a knee jerk reaction seems more like a reptilian reaction of my primary fearful instincts. I do feel stupid and being taken advantage of, but I need only feel that for a few more months until I really know if I really was stupid. I'm learning to entertain the possible outcome of learning more from this experience. If I give things a chance, I will learn what happened, if I don't give things a chance, I will never know.

 

Dude, are you stuck in the denial stage? It's been 8 months! She wants her space?! If your wife is not remorseful by now, she won't ever be. If you haven't figured it out from these responses, then I don't know what else to tell you besides "Man up and take control".

[Cephalopod]

You are letting her drag you along.

 

I guarantee you that she will be back to cheating in no time during her time away from you. She is just like my exWW was: completely selfish, unrepentant and lacking in empathy.

 

You need to wait up. You are a piece of garbage to her, something she can toss away without a second thought.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Dude, are you stuck in the denial stage? It's been 8 months! She wants her space?! If your wife is not remorseful by now, she won't ever be. If you haven't figured it out from these responses, then I don't know what else to tell you besides "Man up and take control".

 

Definitely Bargaining stage of grief

[merrmeade]

A remorseful WW cries, begs, and pleads for a 2nd chance. They don't pout and throw a fit because other people found out. They don't move into a separate bedroom. They don't need time to figure out what they want. They do not come up with bull**** rationalizations about why they did it. Or what it means. Or what they think needs to happen to heal the marriage. In short.....a truly remorseful WW does the exact opposite of everything your wife is doing.

sometimes they're in shock, too. Granted more often than not it's first and foremost fear of public humiliation. But there are the few, like Mrs. Adams, who read How to Help Your Spouse Heal and they buckle with pain from the realization of what they've caused and how much potential is I their hands. When my husband (finally) read it, he was kind of possessed for a while. If he'd actually divulged EVERYTHING at that time (right and if the sun never set) and had the right coach (IC), our path might've been a lot different, easier, a 'true' reconciliation. Just saying that for a few days he was impassioned about being the remorseful spouse who champions his wife's solace and healing.

 

I think your wife's completely freaked out, about to sink in a sea of craziness between the two of you that she has no idea how to navigate.

 

There are certain things that must be repeated by the WS thousands of times, each time with sincere conviction, for the BS to trust. If you're bound and determined to 'give it six months,' then at least do something different from what you've been doing. Read that book then give it to her. See how she responds. If there's life, get her the right therapist.

[merrmeade]

Dude, are you stuck in the denial stage? It's been 8 months! She wants her space?! If your wife is not remorseful by now, she won't ever be. If you haven't figured it out from these responses, then I don't know what else to tell you besides "Man up and take control".

But then again, maybe b&h is right. 8 mos. is a long time. And he's got a, like, 7-8 reconciliation compared to my 5-6 (on my own made-up 1-10 scale). I've read a couple of 9-10 Rs that don't post regularly any more. You're kinda dead in the water right now at a -1 to 0 maybe.

 

But if you think its it that bad, if you're resolute in your conviction it deserves another 6 mos., then I still say make her read, make her talk (your also read and talk), go to counseling and articulate your expectations and your deadline.

 

Anyway we were all a -1 to 0 once.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I will chime in this one point...

 

Reconciliation is an on going process for the rest of your life. You don't wake up one day and suddenly realize...wow we are reconciled.

 

You work on it....every day...because you want to...not because you have to...but because the relationship you are reconciling is worth the effort to you....and if it is not worth the effort to one of the parties involved...they may as well quit....because you cannot reconcile alone.

 

Even though we have been in reconciliation since 1983.... It is still a process. Even though we have healed....infidelity has a way to rear Its ugly head up now and then....not often....just enough to remind us it is still there.

 

The difference now and early on in our reconciliation..is that we can deal with it better....quicker....I can tell by a look...when I need to be reassuring.....

 

Yes...reconciliation....recovery.....is an on going process....and I believe it is a process that continues......forever.

[Mr. Lucky]

But if you think its it that bad, if you're resolute in your conviction it deserves another 6 mos., then I still say make her read, make her talk (your also read and talk), go to counseling and articulate your expectations and your deadline.

 

NS, I said you were stalling before and I still think that's true. And I understand why, either proactive choice before you - separation/divorce or true reconciliation - is hard, the latter more so.

 

But if you do stay at least take control of your fate and the future of your marriage.

 

Stop wondering about why your wife cheated (irrelevant), how's she's feeling (immaterial) and what she might do (inconsequential).

 

And start taking merrmeade's advice regarding the communication of your expectations and timelines and what you need during recovery.

 

Your wife already ignored her obligation to you and your marriage during the affair. To allow her to also do so during an attempted reconciliation is not a healthy choice and effectively dooms any chance for success.

 

Hope you find some peace over the holidays...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

NS, I said you were stalling before and I still think that's true. And I understand why, either proactive choice before you - separation/divorce or true reconciliation - is hard, the latter more so.

 

But if you do stay at least take control of your fate and the future of your marriage.

 

Stop wondering about why your wife cheated (irrelevant), how's she's feeling (immaterial) and what she might do (inconsequential).

 

And start taking merrmeade's advice regarding the communication of your expectations and timelines and what you need during recovery.

 

Your wife already ignored her obligation to you and your marriage during the affair. To allow her to also do so during an attempted reconciliation is not a healthy choice and effectively dooms any chance for success.

 

Hope you find some peace over the holidays...

 

Mr. Lucky

This ^^^ says it very well for this situation. Very well, indeed.

[merrmeade]

But then again, maybe b&h is right. 8 mos. is a long time. And he's got a, like, 7-8 reconciliation compared to my 5-6 (on my own made-up 1-10 scale). I've read a couple of 9-10 Rs that don't post regularly any more.

...

Anyway we were all a -1 to 0 once.

P.S. I TOTALLY admit it's a ridiculous presumption on my part to be rating Rs. I mean, maybe we just hear from posters like b&h, katielee more. Maybe they have super high standards of happiness and ruthless personal insight, but actually their Rs are up there with the 9-10ers (as per the Merrmeade R-scale / copyright © 2015 LoveShack.org ). Hell, what do I know? Anyway, they're all role models for my limping along 5-6er.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mermaid....rating reconciliations is probably like rating life.

Some days it can be a 10 and some days a negative 5......

And you are right....ratings can really only be applied to our own expectations.

Because mine may differ from yours.

 

I find I have to remind myself when I read things here on love shack....that my values....my expectations...my life lessons...differ from everybody else....and when I grow impatient because the answer seems so obvious to me but it isn't to the one posting...I have to reel myself back in check.

 

I do try very hard to be understanding...but there are times....lol

 

Anyway....stop reprimanding yourself lady.....I don't like it when you don't give yourself enough credit......

[harrybrown]

I am sorry for your pain.

 

However, you are in a false R. She has a separate bedroom still.

 

You are her backup plan. She does not love you.

 

She is selfish. The woman you want her to be is a fantasy.

 

You need to start the 180 now. Also go see your attorney. Get the process started.

 

You need to move on and stop the pain and thinking that she cares. She deceived you during the A and she is still deceiving you with the vacation and her need for "space". She is selfish (extremely) and waiting until her next opportunity comes along.

 

You have had enough pain. You do not need to go thru another A of hers.

 

Sometimes when I hit my hand with a hammer, I think that hurts. Stop the pain, set your boundaries and do not put yourself thru another A.

 

Good luck to you and your kids.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I'm sure that moving "in a spiritual direction" should only help you. However, in my experience the inner disturbance related to the infidelity constantly intrudes. When I finally got help for that, I was able to relax and turn my attention to the spiritual in a more fulfilling way. I'm just saying that starting a spiritual practice on your own when you're distracted and because you're distracted, well, it may not prove to be so helpful.

 

Regarding sexual urges: Personally I had no problem having sex with my WH even before I'd made my mind up about what was going to happen, divorce or reconciliation. I looked at it as a marital benefit and told him as much. Maybe that's cold and compartmentalizing and he might've assumed it meant more than it did. He never complained. I know it sounds odd, but with that mindset I felt empowered because it was my choice. I tried to make sure he understood but don't really know if he got it. Probably not but I don't really care about that either. There's a lot he doesn't get.

 

I assume that if you're trying to practice the 180, having sex with your WS could give a wrong message and reignite emotional attachment. I'm just saying that's what I did.

 

Thanks for this very useful experience related to pursuing spiritual paths. I think what you are saying may well be true. I struggle everyday, in my pursuit of the spiritual path and its probably because my mind and emotions are too disturbed to be able to absorb anything I practice, spiritually.

 

I do have the same mindset about sex with my WW. We have not had sex for the last 4 months, but initially, after the confession, I just looked at the sex as a way to try to heal. Ofcourse, it wasn't fully working because without the emotional connection, sex really is not such a healer.

 

To some degree, I have unknowingly been practicing 180, and part of that entailed not trying to get intimate with her or asking her to come back into the bedroom. I just didn't feel like it. It may just have been a manifestation of my male ego, but I realize some aspects of its usefulness in this context.

 

In many ways, I think our relationship has been permanently destroyed and it seems to me like the rest of my life will be spent in not having very deep feelings for her and not having any attachment (spiritually speaking, not having an attachment may be a very useful side effect of the affair). Sometimes, I think things happen for a reason and tragic events can have previously unknown useful benefits. Maybe I may start thinking about my own spiritual life and goals more than I previously did? Who knows?

[Naively.Sensitive]

Since she only looked to end it after he "stopped treating her the way she imagined", what she is in effect saying is that she would not have looked to end the affair if only he had continue treating her nice. I think that you already know this, which is why you are having such a hard time dealing with the fact that you are just her plan B to go back to when the Alpha male was done using her. It hurts that she gave this other man such control not only of her life, but of you and your children's lives. I feel for you, and hope that things get better for you.

 

This is very true. Particularly this statement: "It hurts that she gave this other man such control not only of her life, but of you and your children's lives."

 

The hurt is indeed very bad, and that is why, I will only allow myself to feel this hurt for some more time. After that, I'm out.

I'm also going to use this time to build myself up with such an iron shield (spiritually) that I use this as an opportunity for self development. It can only help me. I can do this using the 180 practice, so I don't have to "need" her anymore. A true alpha male is never threatened by another male and in many ways I feel like an alpha male if I come out of all this unscathed in the end.

 

Also, even if its a fact that I was a Plan B in her eyes, it does not really make me a Plan B (as a person). There may be plenty of women who may find that I'm a Plan A for them, so I have to train myself to know that, because it is true. Maybe life threw this as an opportunity to teach me that very important lesson, among others?

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe life threw this as an opportunity to teach me that very important lesson, among others?

 

One of my favorite quotes (probably read here ) is:

 

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.

 

Very true in your case...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Naively.Sensitive]

1 - We have kids, so I owed it to my kids to give it a try. If it didn't work, then I could walk away knowing that I tried.

 

2 - State of marriage before the A was good. As my wife put: "we were still in the honeymoon phase". By her account, she was happily married to a great husband.

 

3 - We did address many issues during 3 years of MC; mostly around communication.

 

4 - My wife cheated because she wanted to, not because of our marriage. Sometimes the cheater is broken, not the marriage.

 

This is very helpful to know. I like the clarity of thought. Maybe I will find the right marriage counselor who could decipher all the emotions and cut through the noise to deliver such clarity of thought. Then, we could use that clarity to decide on the outcome: Reconciliation or Divorce.

[Naively.Sensitive]

I will chime in this one point...

 

Reconciliation is an on going process for the rest of your life. You don't wake up one day and suddenly realize...wow we are reconciled.

 

You work on it....every day...because you want to...not because you have to...but because the relationship you are reconciling is worth the effort to you....and if it is not worth the effort to one of the parties involved...they may as well quit....because you cannot reconcile alone.

 

Even though we have been in reconciliation since 1983.... It is still a process. Even though we have healed....infidelity has a way to rear Its ugly head up now and then....not often....just enough to remind us it is still there.

 

The difference now and early on in our reconciliation..is that we can deal with it better....quicker....I can tell by a look...when I need to be reassuring.....

 

Yes...reconciliation....recovery.....is an on going process....and I believe it is a process that continues......forever.

 

Thanks very much for that advice and for setting my expectations right. Honestly, I am a little shocked and alarmed (which is OK if it sets my expectations right). Since 1983, would make it 32 years!!!

 

God bless you. To me, that sounds like a very scary thought. It sounds like a permanent disability, and a lifetime of pain that will need to be dealt with. If I may ask, are you the WW or the Betrayed Wife?

 

I wonder if the pain of the Wayward Spouse lasts longer than the pain of the Betrayed Spouse and if that length of pain is gender variable?

[merrmeade]

I just want to make a comment about who's commenting here and how. N.S., you don't know these posters, but I do. And when you have Mr. H. Brown and Mr. L coming in with a hard-line stance like you're getting, well, it's time to sit up and take notice.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thanks very much for that advice and for setting my expectations right. Honestly, I am a little shocked and alarmed (which is OK if it sets my expectations right). Since 1983, would make it 32 years!!!

 

God bless you. To me, that sounds like a very scary thought. It sounds like a permanent disability, and a lifetime of pain that will need to be dealt with. If I may ask, are you the WW or the Betrayed Wife?

 

I wonder if the pain of the Wayward Spouse lasts longer than the pain of the Betrayed Spouse and if that length of pain is gender variable?

 

I had a short affair....and 18 months later my husband had a revenge affair.

 

ALL relationships take work..... and unfortunately those touched by infidelity require even more work because The infidelity cracked the very foundation of the relationship. You can rebuild....you can even fill in the crack....but it takes time and effort and love to do so.....and the foundation will forever still have a crack...or a scar. The pain does lessen....and the marriage can thrive and be wonderful again. The pain that my husband and i share now...is mostly the pain of regret.....we look at each other and say how wonderful our life is....but we can never say the infidelity did not happen. We can say we have an amazing marriage....except...for that one thing. For some....infidelity is a deal breaker....and divorce is the right answer...but only you can make that decision.

 

You have to decide whether you are willing and capable of committing to the healing of your marriage...and then you have to decide if your wayward is willing to do the work required to repair the damage she caused. There are certain things to look for....and unfortunately in this thread and in your descriptions of your situation....I do not see that she is ready to accept her responsibility to do the work required.

 

But only you know what is best for you....and only you know how much you can bear.

[merrmeade]

I had a short affair....and 18 months later my husband had a revenge affair.

 

ALL relationships take work..... and unfortunately those touched by infidelity require even more work because The infidelity cracked the very foundation of the relationship. You can rebuild....you can even fill in the crack....but it takes time and effort and love to do so.....and the foundation will forever still have a crack...or a scar. The pain does lessen....and the marriage can thrive and be wonderful again. The pain that my husband and i share now...is mostly the pain of regret.....we look at each other and say how wonderful our life is....but we can never say the infidelity did not happen. We can say we have an amazing marriage....except...for that one thing. For some....infidelity is a deal breaker....and divorce is the right answer...but only you can make that decision.

 

You have to decide whether you are willing and capable of committing to the healing of your marriage...and then you have to decide if your wayward is willing to do the work required to repair the damage she caused. There are certain things to look for....and unfortunately in this thread and in your descriptions of your situation....I do not see that she is ready to accept her responsibility to do the work required.

 

But only you know what is best for you....and only you know how much you can bear.

Damn, she's good. She's ALWAYS this good.

[qubist]

wow you must be a "control freak" ( no pun intended) the way you are handling your wife's affair. everything is calculated. I do want to commend you for you toughness.

she was seduced by this guy and went looking for whatever you couldn't provide her in your marriage just to be slammed on her face by reality. she stopped the A but he tried to blackmailed her and she ended up confessing to you. the first months after D-day you were trying to find the bond between you 2 but after 4 months she is withdrawing and you never felt her true remorse or owning up to her infidelity. you decided to give it another 6 months before you make the final decision. is this right or am I missing or misunderstanding anything?

if that's the case let me clarify something that you might be missing. the way you decided to treat her now may not be fair for her and would only make it harder for her to go back to you. I know some may argue that you shouldn't care about her feelings right now since she is the one who caused this ordeal in the first time, which is true. But if you decided to consider R all that goes out the window. if you decided to walk away nobody can blame you it would be your right. but you decided to explore the possibility of a second chance so you have to make an effort to understand her feelings too.

I know you don't want to hear it but she is still grieving the end of the affair. not necessary grieving the OM as she already realized he was nothing but a pig, but the A was an escape from something in the marriage or maybe a pursue of something that she thought your M didn't have just for her to realize that's gone for good, this can be very challenging. that's why almost all WS resent their spouses to some degree some of just can't go back they sort of put themselves on a bubble. ironically the only way way to get her out of that bubble is the hard way. do not know why, but based on many stories the harder you set your boundaries and expectations the quicker they will come out of the bubble. if she stays in the bubble for too long you can risk the chance to reconcile. I guarantee you if someone else shows up in her life with whatever she thinks was missing in your relationship and willingness to go all the way not just for sex she might leave on the spot.

I hope I'm wrong but unless you change things quickly she either gonna leave you before the 6 months ultimatum or you would get to the 6 months mark with nothing new,

[flowergirl14]

I'm not sure what she is hiding, but I suspect that if she has any private email conversations in which she expresses her doubts about my intentions (e.g. I think she may be doubting if I would eventually forgive her, or doubting that I may have a backup plan to find another life partner and am just keeping things going until I find someone "better" than her, etc.), she may want to keep those conversations private, so that they don't show her negative mindset to me. Maybe she wants to keep things looking positive and not expose her negative thoughts towards me. A part of her also blames the state of our relationship for the affair, and maybe she wants to hold on to that belief?

 

The truth is that I want to bond with her, but firstly to really find out if she is also "wanting" to bond with me. One can usually easily tell the level of her "wanting" me by the level of intimacy, isn't it so? The level of passion of emotional connection, foreplay and sex can clearly show me how she truly feels about me. The reality is that I did feel some of this in the first few weeks after she confessed to me, and honestly, that is what made me feel that she really made a "mistake" by having this affair.... A misjudgement. If however, I don't feel a high degree of passion in our intimate times together and the "bond" is not "felt", then it would be clear that she really does not want me and is only using me as a convenient choice for herself to keep on going with life (for social reasons or to not rock the family boat). To me, the need to "bond" is like a litmus test, to know her true feelings towards me, among other purposes that it can serve. A few weeks ago, when she asked me what I wanted from her, I did tell her that I would like it if she moved back into the bedroom. It seems to me like she may have been "waiting" for me to ask that question (much in the way a woman expects a man to propose things towards a woman, to express a desire for a relationship). Her reaction was, "Why don't you just say so? Why is there so much drama?". She did not realize it, but none of this is drama (and she actually hurt me by saying that). This is tremendous pain and suffering in a betrayed husband. Sometimes I doubt if she understands how much pain I feel. Many more weeks ago, I had even heard her once comment, "... and you did not even ask me to move back into the bedroom". So, many times, I feel I may need to swallow more of my ego and just plainly (but respectfully) ask her for things I want, including passionate sex. My feeling is that this bonding would then reveal to me the truth. The proof being in the pudding. My assumption is that she won't try to trick me by having sex with me even if she does not have love or an emotional connection with me. If she does that, I would notice the missing emotional component to the sex and it would indicate to me that I am being played. On the other hand, if I truly feel the emotional connection, it may support my "hope" that she truly made a mistake in judgement and that I'm truly her first choice. One of the above 2 revelations will tremendously move in one of the 2 directions of reconciliation or divorce. Any thoughts or ideas?

 

Hiding anything at this point is WRONG! Why dont you do a little investigative work and do not tell her. Just to make sure she isnt still involved with her boss or someone else. There are stories here on ls where once the initial affair is revealed there is more than one. Sometimes, there is a history of sexually deviant behavior.

 

You are overanalyzing this. Is she meeting your requirements for reconcilation? Yes or no? Write a list of what you expect. Then hold her to them. Its called boundaries. Its hard because there is the desire to keeping drawing new lines in the sand of what you will and wont tolerate. I do this myself. However, that only hurts you especially since her actions and words are Not showing that she respects you. You can't change her. You can't make her want to fix this. Again look at her actions. She does want to fix things and is proactively doung them or not. You can only change you. I highly suspect that if she see's you moving on she will suddenly want to work on things.

[S2B]

And so now there's been no sex for 4 months? And you've called this reconciling?

 

There's not one thing that you've described here that indicates your wife is making effort to reconcile!

 

Manipulation? Yes

 

Effort to make the marriage better? No

 

 

You've bought into her continual crap all along. She's still calling the shots. None of it considers your feelings.

 

This is an extremely selfish wife.

 

There's no changing her unless you pull the rug out from under her very comfortable butt!

 

People don't change when they are comfortable!

[Naively.Sensitive]

Hiding anything at this point is WRONG! Why dont you do a little investigative work and do not tell her. Just to make sure she isnt still involved with her boss or someone else. There are stories here on ls where once the initial affair is revealed there is more than one. Sometimes, there is a history of sexually deviant behavior.

 

You are overanalyzing this. Is she meeting your requirements for reconcilation? Yes or no? Write a list of what you expect. Then hold her to them. Its called boundaries. Its hard because there is the desire to keeping drawing new lines in the sand of what you will and wont tolerate. I do this myself. However, that only hurts you especially since her actions and words are Not showing that she respects you. You can't change her. You can't make her want to fix this. Again look at her actions. She does want to fix things and is proactively doung them or not. You can only change you. I highly suspect that if she see's you moving on she will suddenly want to work on things.

 

We made several lists earlier in this process. Many items were initially addressed, but then later, she stopped supporting me in my pain, which was one of the items in my list.

 

You are spot on. Ultimately, actions always speak louder than words.

She knows and I have explicitly stated that I'm only giving her a chance for a few more months. After that she is aware that I will be filing for divorce. She will have to make a choice by then on if she wants the relationship or if she wants to hold on to her own emotions. That is my way of telling her that I am moving on by that date. It gives her breathing space and time to evaluate what she really wants, and what she is willing to do for the relationship and also for her to try things out and decide.

It also gives me a chance to assess her behaviors closely and decide if this is the woman I want to continue to live my life with.

[Naively.Sensitive]

wow you must be a "control freak" ( no pun intended) the way you are handling your wife's affair. everything is calculated. I do want to commend you for you toughness.

she was seduced by this guy and went looking for whatever you couldn't provide her in your marriage just to be slammed on her face by reality. she stopped the A but he tried to blackmailed her and she ended up confessing to you. the first months after D-day you were trying to find the bond between you 2 but after 4 months she is withdrawing and you never felt her true remorse or owning up to her infidelity. you decided to give it another 6 months before you make the final decision. is this right or am I missing or misunderstanding anything?

if that's the case let me clarify something that you might be missing. the way you decided to treat her now may not be fair for her and would only make it harder for her to go back to you. I know some may argue that you shouldn't care about her feelings right now since she is the one who caused this ordeal in the first time, which is true. But if you decided to consider R all that goes out the window. if you decided to walk away nobody can blame you it would be your right. but you decided to explore the possibility of a second chance so you have to make an effort to understand her feelings too.

I know you don't want to hear it but she is still grieving the end of the affair. not necessary grieving the OM as she already realized he was nothing but a pig, but the A was an escape from something in the marriage or maybe a pursue of something that she thought your M didn't have just for her to realize that's gone for good, this can be very challenging. that's why almost all WS resent their spouses to some degree some of just can't go back they sort of put themselves on a bubble. ironically the only way way to get her out of that bubble is the hard way. do not know why, but based on many stories the harder you set your boundaries and expectations the quicker they will come out of the bubble. if she stays in the bubble for too long you can risk the chance to reconcile. I guarantee you if someone else shows up in her life with whatever she thinks was missing in your relationship and willingness to go all the way not just for sex she might leave on the spot.

I hope I'm wrong but unless you change things quickly she either gonna leave you before the 6 months ultimatum or you would get to the 6 months mark with nothing new,

 

Your account of what has been going on is fairly accurate.

I am not able to understand all her feelings, but the one feeling you told me about is something that had not even occurred to me. So, thanks for making me aware of that possible feeling.

The tricky part is that she is obviously not going to tell me about that feeling, even if I ask her to honestly tell me all her feelings. Its like asking a thief to reveal if they have plans to steal.

 

You are right in the fact that she may be in that bubble and the only way to break that bubble may be to start walking. If she cares enough about the relationship, she would stop me. The question is how long I should give her?

 

One way of dealing with it is how I have.... I have given her the ultimatum of 6 months. If I start to notice her behavior changing towards me in the next couple of weeks, I will know that she has either taken heed or that she is not interested in saving the relationship or she is just being comfortable and wanting the convenience of the relationship.

 

Another way is to serve her the divorce papers soon, maybe in the next couple of weeks. I was trying to find out if I can change my mind about the intent to divorce once the papers are already served? (For example if she makes a conscious choice to do what I need to see she truly cares about the relationship). If so, how long would I have to change my intent and how would I inform the court of my change in intent?

[Marc878]

Just because you file doesn't mean you can't stop it.

 

Then there is a real clock ticking.

 

And consequences.

 

Probably your best bet.