Dealing with wife's affair.

[S2B]

Did she quit the job?

 

Did she expose the boss as a sexual predator to the HR dept?

 

 

Go on that vacation without her! Stop rewarding her bad behavior - she needs to hurt and feel the pain her actions caused.

 

She did this too! Stop saying it was his fault! He did not force her to open her legs.

 

She needs to be afraid she's going to lose something in order to change. Your wife is a cheater so make decisions in your best interest knowing that she's capable of cheating when a man simply pays attention to her and compliments her!

 

She's weak and needs attention. A gal like that will always cheat given the right formula.

 

 

Stop thinking she's not to blame - she totally is!

[Naively.Sensitive]

Yes, it might be that I'm one of those people who cannot get over infidelity. My gut feeling is that I am, but ONLY if I see true remorse and her willingness to make up with me, to help me get over it based on what I need, and not just based on what she feels like doing for me.

 

I am 90% confident that I could forgive her (based on my personality) IF she did everything I needed to recover. That would include wiping every tear off my face, hugging me so often and so long that I really feel loved, constant words of affirmation if she truly loves me, catering to my sexual needs to be able to get over the PTSD of her having sex with another man, and just generally being there for me emotionally and sexually and making that her highest priority. If she is able to do that (in an honest way, not just putting up an act), I'm fairly confident I can truly forgive her.

 

One question, is, would my expectation of such an effort be reasonable and fair? (As long as I'm respectful of her, which I have always been since I married her and as long as I'm ethical, moral and legally responsible)

e.g. would it be reasonable for me to expect that she help make a sex tape of us, only for our private viewing, so that it helps me get over my PTSD? She has shown some inclinations to also be kinky on her own in past several years, so I know that she also enjoys certain aspects of the excitement. Knowing this, in the first month after her confession (when our relationship was on a better level of healing than now), I had suggested making a sex tape and she had willingly agreed. We even did that and she suggested that I watch it whenever the thoughts and images in my head troubled me. Later, after about 1 month, she started to blame me for that idea and started saying that it violated her sense of self respect and asked me to delete the videos. I did delete the videos, but could not help question her honesty (based on the fact that she was enthusiastic about the idea and about helping me). Note: In the past 15 years, I had never made a sex tape, so its not like this was a regular activity for me. This was purely to help me get over the trauma. We had taken a few sexy pictures together in the past, on vacations, in the excitement of things, but even she used to be excited about such things in the past. My point is, is she making a bigger deal of helping me in this way? If so, could she simply be enforcing her ego in some way, or defending her guilt by not wanting to do anything that reminds her of doing anything that could make up for her actions?

 

You asked a very relevant question which I had asked her in the initial stages after her confession. What would have happened if the person she had the affair with had actually treated her very well and not just manipulated her for sex?

She came up with a really stupid answer.... She told me that outcome was not possible. So, I asked her why it was not possible? Why could a person not genuinely love her (even if he was married). She told me that if he genuinely loved her then he would not have manipulated her.

To me, her answer did not make any sense, because its also possible that a person has an affair with her without being manipulative, isn't it? With a view to continue a genuine relationship with her.

 

My conclusion is this:

1) The relationship did not work out with her boss. If it did, she would probably have continued with the affair behind my back.

2) I was probably Plan B.

3) She probably only confessed to me on her own because she was afraid her boss would begin to blackmail her. She suspected that he had secretly recorded a conversation in which she confessed her love towards him. It turns out she was right. He actually did send her that audio recording (after she confessed to me), threatening to tell me about the affair, unless she apologized to his wife (who I had messaged on the day after she confessed to me)

 

She has quite that job and to my knowledge there is no contact with her boss with whom she had the affair.

 

She is not fully transparent with her devices and whereabouts, but says I'm free to ask her about her whereabouts. She password locked her devices and changed her passwords to her email. I'm not sure if she is willing to let me look at her emails and devices.

 

Yes, she has quit that jobs and now works at some other company.

 

I absolutely agree with this.

 

OP, it might very well be that you're just one of those people who can't get over infidelity, but any effort you might want to make needs to lean on some more digging for the truth and a more balanced assessment of what happened, IMO.

 

The OM might have been a predator and a PUA, some are actually quite good at it, but your wife is not a naive teenager, so she must own her actions and choices.

 

The problem I have with stories where the AP turns out to be a douchebag and the WS comes back crying and asking for forgiveness is that the logical question becomes: What would have happened if the AP was NOT an @sshole? Is it remorse or plain switching to plan B?

 

If you wish to try and work on things, the first thing you need to find out is if there was any additional reason behind your wife's confession, IMO...

 

- Has there been any exposure to the OMW?

- Is she transparent with her devices and her whereabouts?

- Has she quit that job?

[LifesontheUp]

Sometimes, if she feels like it (based on her own feelings, not based on what I need to heal), she stops by in my room to see how I'm doing, but does not express any physical or verbal love or remorse to me.

 

NS, very sorry to read your story.

 

I've quoted the above as I felt this stood out for me.

 

I'll ask you why, WHY on earth would you allows this person to treat you like this?

 

Surely you are worth more than the very little crumbs she throws your way?

[qubist]

Naively.Sensitive: why do you think you would need 4 to 5 years to move on? why are you waiting on miracle to happen and somehow she shows you the remorse you want to see from her?

read about 180, that's all you need right now. take care of yourself now and use what happened to push yourself harder to be the best you can be emotionally and physically. I wouldn't go to any vacation with her right now you should cancel it and instead go somewhere by yourself. that would send her a message that you are the priority number one of yourself. meanwhile give her books or articles about infidelity to read.

[LifesontheUp]

She told me that if he genuinely loved her then he would not have manipulated her.

 

She is not fully transparent with her devices and whereabouts, but says I'm free to ask her about her whereabouts. She password locked her devices and changed her passwords to her email. I'm not sure if she is willing to let me look at her emails and devices.

 

Your marriage will never recover because your wife does not accept her part in her affair and she knows you have fallen for her manipulation bull.

 

If she is unwilling to be fully transparent and accept and make the moves YOU want to see to make this work then pack her bags and off she goes

[S2B]

It's not up to you to fix the damage she has caused - it's up to her!

 

And since she's not been willing to help you heal by offering you peace of mind...there's no recovery happening.

 

So her inaction has made that decision for you.

 

 

 

She may be conflict avoidant...in that case she never going to say outright the M is over - she will wait forever for YOU to say/do that.

[lolablue17]

I think I understand what is going on here.

 

In the first month after Dday, she was terrified that you will dump her, so she was willing to make some efforts. But after a while she saw that you're weak, so why bother? She understood that you just talk, but too soft to stand up and leave her, so now she gives the minimum she must, and right now the minimum is close to zero.

 

Tell her tonight that you are canceling the vacation, and you're going to see a lawyer next week - My guess? She will suddenly will be much more remorseful than the past months. Which says a lot about her attitude. Zero love, zero caring for you - only selfish interest.

[qubist]

I think I understand what is going on here.

 

In the first month after Dday, she was terrified that you will dump her, so she was willing to make some efforts. But after a while she saw that you're weak, so why bother? She understood that you just talk, but too soft to stand up and leave her, so now she gives the minimum she must, and right now the minimum is close to zero.

 

Tell her tonight that you are canceling the vacation, and you're going to see a lawyer next week - My guess? She will suddenly will be much more remorseful than the past months. Which says a lot about her attitude. Zero love, zero caring for you - only selfish interest.

yeap I agree 100%. she is only doing the minimum that she has to do. she is still deep in the fog of the affair. she still miss whatever excitement the affair provided and every time she looks at him she sees a miserable hurt husband crying

Naively.Sensitive: read about 180 and start on it ASAP.

limit your conversation with her to minimum.

do not go with her to any vacation, go by yourself. tell her you need some time away from all this to relax

[Anto_80]

I think I understand what is going on here.

 

In the first month after Dday, she was terrified that you will dump her, so she was willing to make some efforts. But after a while she saw that you're weak, so why bother? She understood that you just talk, but too soft to stand up and leave her, so now she gives the minimum she must, and right now the minimum is close to zero.

 

Tell her tonight that you are canceling the vacation, and you're going to see a lawyer next week - My guess? She will suddenly will be much more remorseful than the past months. Which says a lot about her attitude. Zero love, zero caring for you - only selfish interest.

 

Wrong. You are the very definition of the person to whom infidelity is a "zero problem" (I am putting it gently, I didn't use the dreaded word for men who are cheated on but still choose to stay)

 

Otherwise how do you explain enduring this crap from your wife for 8 months? Just because you have 2 children? Does the words "self respect" ring any bell for you?

 

I believe you have fully bought into the "manipulation and state of marriage" crap that you wife has sold you and you are totally blaming yourself for the bad choices she made. Its evident from your posts.

 

Just stop wasting you time here. You have endured this for 8 months. The chances are you will live like this for the rest of your life i.e. living on breadcrumbs from your wife. It is very much evident from your posts. You can vent and cry all you like. But when push comes to shove, you will always back off from demanding respect (forget about divorce) and putting actions behind those demands.

 

I can see why your wife is treating the way you are. You are just too pathetic to be cared about.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

I agree and then some.

 

You are plan B like you said. Your wife only cares about herself.

 

Reading your comments about your wife make me so incredibly angry and to be honest it makes me a little angry at you too.

 

I know what its like, I have been in your shoes. At least my xw tried to show some remorse and I still divorced her (best decision ever)

 

Its time you do the hard 180 and tell her whats up. If she does not respond, you dump her immediately.

 

Hell, I would dump her right now.

 

She did not even gave you her passwords? Good grief, your wife is all about herself.

 

It may all sound harsh but we all truly want the best for you.

 

As it now stands, we care about you far more than your own wife does and I truly hope you realise this.

 

Be strong!!!!!

 

Many hugs!!

Edited December 16, 2015 by Anto_80

[Clay]

Sorry your here. From everything you have said I doubt seriously your marriage is able to be saved. She is clearly not showing any kind of remorse. I personally think you should talk to a lawyer and start getting things lined out for divorce.

 

I am really sorry you are here.

 

I know this is hard.

 

C

[Marc878]

From what I've read your wife has no remorse and you were and are her plan B.

 

She should be doing some heavy lifting but will never do it.

 

You have two choices.

 

Live in limbo until she finds someone else.

 

Bite the bullet and divorce her. You probably have some legal rights against the OM and or company she works for if you have some evidence.

 

You need to man up and make your life what you want instead of being a doormat.

[Spectre]

My advice is simple: divorce her. She screwed her boss. She doesn't love or respect you. Walk away, be with someone with dignity and self respect. Be with someone you can be with without sacrificing your own dignity and self respect.

 

If your wife cheated on you "only" after 15 years, after being manipulated by this guy, maybe at a time where the routine of your marriage made both of you numb toward each other, there is room for forgiveness in my opinion, because it's a trap everyone falls in at some point.

 

It doesn't matter if she cheated after being married for 15 seconds or 15 years or 150 years. Cheating is cheating.

 

Banging your boss because you are "numb" is a trap everyone falls into? Actually no it is not. Also please, her excuse of being "manipulated" by her boss is silly and of course she is going to say she was manipulated by him. You seriously came and dismissed this as if only one affair after 15 years wasn't so bad and then tried to pass the buck on the blame.

 

Scary part is some people actually "liked" your post.

Edited December 16, 2015 by Spectre

[merrmeade]

I don't agree about what's going on with your wife's feelings, though I do agree with the net result and what you should do about it. You're looking for something she can't give you is the main takeaway for you. True remorse just isn't there. It's about damage control. She's not able, doesn't love you enough or doesn't have the compassion to see and be moved by your pain. Instead, she sees at as your almost willful effort to continue reminding her of her mistake and failure. The more pathetic you are, the more she's reminded. This is a mindset so completely and unalterably self-centered that there is simply no hope of separating her heart from its fixed place in worship of itself.

 

You described what you would do if the tables were turned. You'll be waiting until hell freezes over to get that depth of compassion from her. She's not capable and is only focused on keeping the scandal from going any further, from more exposure. She probably thinks you want to rub her shame in her face.

 

I know this attitude well and there's no making a dent in it.

 

I hope you'll consider some of the advice being given about what to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

I also doubt that she is being honest..... Would not the guilt of doing something so sinful and causing so much pain far exceed the feelings of feeling repulsed by the betrayed spouse? If I were in her place, I would be so ashamed of myself and in so much guilt that I would be willing to do anything to help my spouse recover from pain..... Sit all night outside her door until she opens it, hug her often, have sex with her in ways she chose (to make her forget the hurtful images of the other person), and generally really help nurse her to full recovery. I would do anything legal and moral... Anything. Instead, what I get from her is a half hearted effort, her own proof of her hanging on to her own emotions in preference to the pain I'm going through and he apparent selfishness on catering to her own emotions and needs. Isn't that what caused the affair to begin with? Her own selfishness of catering to her own emotional needs to such a large degree that she forgot even her basic sense of morality, abandoned me and gave in to her own needs or wants? Isn't she doing the same thing all over again but in the context of abandoning me again in my own pain and not making the efforts that she should be to truly reconcile?

 

The truth is that she can't "fix" you, at least not in the way you're looking for. And that qualification isn't gender specific, there isn't a WS that can repair their BS regardless of how much sex, compassion or gnashing of teeth they provide.

 

It's up to the BS to "fix" him or herself. In your case this means understanding cause and effect, making realistic assessments, staying in touch with your feelings and making clear-headed decisions.

 

I'd guess, based on your wife's limited ability to empathize with others, you're getting everything she realistically has to give, this is the best she can do. Pretty scary thought, eh?

 

The solution is up to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

It's not possible when the cheater isn't accountable for the way they participated, shows clear signs and action that she/he has caused you harm AND is willing to go to any length to heal you and the marriage.

 

She isn't doing that - so it leaves you with nothing to work with.

[casey.lives]

It's good to share the same values. Thanks for the reminder ..

[Bufo]

About the 4 to 5 year recovery period. From reading here and elsewhere it appears that the time frame involves recovery with a remorseful spouse,willing to,do the very hard work,of reconciliation. You can't just pull a,Rip VanWinkle and find all is well 5 years from now.

 

Without remorse and action by her, you remain in Limbo. That's not a place you want to be and you should be working to remove yourself from it.

 

My personal belief is that many posters here and elsewhere are actively seeking reconciliation. I suspect that most who find infidelity a deal breaker never post or disappear shortly after posting. So in the forums,you may be getting a skewed sample. There is nothing wrong, dishonorable or cowardly about concluding that infidelity is a deal breaker for you. I'm not here to tell you it's the right decision for you, but her attitude doesn't suggest a good prognosis. If you rug sweep ( which is what she wants you to do) you will be in extended misery.

[66Charger]

At this point, I'm hardly strong enough for anything. I'm by the railroad tracks, bleeding profusely, after being hit by a train and I'm like a child, crying in desperation, like a mental patient, tortured by the trauma and all she can think of is how it makes her feel to be near me when I feel repulsed by her actions?

 

Can someone throw some light on what I may be missing here? .

 

Dont worry about divorcing her, SHE IS GOING TO DIVORCE YOU. It is so obvious. You are repulsed by her? She may be repulsed by your behaviour.

 

This isnt rugsweeping. She is outta here. Your looking for remorse and hugs and sex and SHE MOVED OUT OF YOUR BED. Note. When you split, you want sex tapes destoyed.

 

That's what you are missing.

Edited December 17, 2015 by 66Charger

[Naively.Sensitive]

On a more realistic note, I have come to realize that eventually there will need to be made a firm decision about Divorce or Reconciliation. This decision may come from her or me, but since Life is short, its important to give things a certain timeframe by when we should make that decision.

 

I'm emotionally torn by this situation (which is a reality, and maybe that is a very unattractive quality to my wife). I have handled so many situations like a man in my life, but there are 2 situations that I handle very poorly. One of them is obviously this and the other is death of a loved one.

 

I think that so far I have made the right choice by trying things for 8 months. It may appear as a sign of weakness, but in reality, it is the sign of strength and courage to be able to bear so much emotional pain and suffering for 8 months. I have survived so far and I'm glad that I have not made any knee-jerk decisions, one way or another.

 

I'm very grateful for the support I'm getting from this group, for whatever its worth. I realize that nothing replaces my own sense of intuition and insight, yet experiences of others are very valuable because this is the first time in my life in which I'm treading on paths that others have been on.

 

From people WHO HAVE GIVEN THINGS A FAIR CHANCE, been successful at overcoming (or not), I would be very grateful to know:

 

1) How long would a fair shot take at this? What are the various stages of recovery and is it likely that we are stuck on one of those stages of recovery, holding up the other stages?

 

2) If I give it a deadline of another 6 months to make a decision (It would then have been about 1 year and 3 months since she confessed the affair to me), would I be giving it a fair chance? Basically, my definition of a fair chance is that neither of us would have left any stone unturned in resolving our pains, suffering and in improving the relationship by way of meeting each other's needs. Ofcourse, I realize that a lot depends on what we do in the next 6 months, so any suggestions would be very helpful. Should we both read certain books on recovery from an affair? Should we both independently try the same or different spiritual paths for answers to recover? More counseling? (With a marriage counselor, not with individual psychologists), More time together? More time apart? More emotional communication about how each of us feels? More regular assessment of what we need from each other and if we're able to provide it?

 

3) Any other resources, books, or other materials that have worked for others?

 

At this point, I have reached a stage in which I'm equally open to both outcomes. That is, I'm giving the relationship a fair chance, (so that I won't later regret it), being the best man I can be, given my pain and what I'm capable of currently. I'm not pushing myself one way or another.

 

Yes, there are times of the day (usually the earlier half of every day) when the emotional pain is so severe and when I cannot even think straight. At other times (such as this), I'm a little more calm, and centered, to try to see things as they are.

 

Thanks very much folks.

[S2B]

Kick her out today with no access to any money.

 

That ought to show her you mean business - she either starts getting real in reconciling or she doesn't = you have your answer much more quickly.

[Spectre]

I believe in second chances. Not in third chances. People can mess up.

You're too bitter, or proud, to understand.

 

Now if his wife is choosing to be a secretive untrustworthy b-itch after this, then of course, not even a second chance.

 

Yes because only a bitter person couldn't understand you acting like one affair in 15 years isn't that big of a thing.

[Spectre]

On a more realistic note, I have come to realize that eventually there will need to be made a firm decision about Divorce or Reconciliation. This decision may come from her or me, but since Life is short, its important to give things a certain timeframe by when we should make that decision.

 

I'm emotionally torn by this situation (which is a reality, and maybe that is a very unattractive quality to my wife). I have handled so many situations like a man in my life, but there are 2 situations that I handle very poorly. One of them is obviously this and the other is death of a loved one.

 

I think that so far I have made the right choice by trying things for 8 months. It may appear as a sign of weakness, but in reality, it is the sign of strength and courage to be able to bear so much emotional pain and suffering for 8 months. I have survived so far and I'm glad that I have not made any knee-jerk decisions, one way or another.

 

I'm very grateful for the support I'm getting from this group, for whatever its worth. I realize that nothing replaces my own sense of intuition and insight, yet experiences of others are very valuable because this is the first time in my life in which I'm treading on paths that others have been on.

 

From people WHO HAVE GIVEN THINGS A FAIR CHANCE, been successful at overcoming (or not), I would be very grateful to know:

 

1) How long would a fair shot take at this? What are the various stages of recovery and is it likely that we are stuck on one of those stages of recovery, holding up the other stages?

 

2) If I give it a deadline of another 6 months to make a decision (It would then have been about 1 year and 3 months since she confessed the affair to me), would I be giving it a fair chance? Basically, my definition of a fair chance is that neither of us would have left any stone unturned in resolving our pains, suffering and in improving the relationship by way of meeting each other's needs. Ofcourse, I realize that a lot depends on what we do in the next 6 months, so any suggestions would be very helpful. Should we both read certain books on recovery from an affair? Should we both independently try the same or different spiritual paths for answers to recover? More counseling? (With a marriage counselor, not with individual psychologists), More time together? More time apart? More emotional communication about how each of us feels? More regular assessment of what we need from each other and if we're able to provide it?

 

3) Any other resources, books, or other materials that have worked for others?

 

At this point, I have reached a stage in which I'm equally open to both outcomes. That is, I'm giving the relationship a fair chance, (so that I won't later regret it), being the best man I can be, given my pain and what I'm capable of currently. I'm not pushing myself one way or another.

 

Yes, there are times of the day (usually the earlier half of every day) when the emotional pain is so severe and when I cannot even think straight. At other times (such as this), I'm a little more calm, and centered, to try to see things as they are.

 

Thanks very much folks.

 

Dude you could of not made a knee jerk reaction to this without staying for 8 friggin months.

 

You also just were saying how every day at times you have emotional pain to the point you can't think straight. So...why stay? Why keep throwing yourself on that sword?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

From people WHO HAVE GIVEN THINGS A FAIR CHANCE, been successful at overcoming (or not), I would be very grateful to know:

 

I reconciled with my WW. On the grand scale of things our situation was better than most. Given that, the road to reconciliation is long and difficult. You have already gotten a good idea of what is involved.

 

For me it was 3 years before I felt that I climbed out of a pit of hell.

 

Here's what you need to understand: My WW was very remorseful and did all of the right things. She confessed. She confronted all of the crap head-on. She did not avoid conflict. She fully accepted her role in her affair. She went to IC before and after D-day. We went to MC for years post D-day.

 

She answered all of my questions. She was transparent in all aspects of her life. She made clear and firm boundaries with men. She allowed for me to emotionally throw up on her throughout the 3 years of reconciliation. She did a lot of self-reflection and self-examination. She owned it and changed. She became a better person because of it.

 

From what I have read from your posts. You wife is playing the victim and blaming everyone else for her affair. She has to own up to her affair and deal with it. To me, it sounds like she is extremely conflict-avoidant, which would explain a lot.

 

You can't force her to do the right things. As things stand with your wife, there is no HOPE for your marriage or your well-being if she is unwilling to take the bold steps. If not, then you should just move on and divorce her. You can't do this on your own. SHE should be doing the heavy lifting; not you.

 

You have given your marriage a FAIR CHANCE. She has NOT. There is no shame in walking away.

[Space Ritual]

NS,

 

I get how you feel I really do.

 

You have gotten some pretty solid advice for the most part.

 

I am afraid however that in order for this marriage to survive, your wife is going to have to undertake an gargantuan effort without any guarantee that you will be able to reconcile. Frankly from what you have written in your thread, your wife is simply incapable of doing the work necessary to help you heal but also to actually dig deep enough and become a safe person to be around. She will never do the work...ever. Regardless of whether it is inability or unwillingness, it's not going to happen.

 

You say you want to give the marriage a fair chance. Haven't you been giving it a chance now for 8 months and where in the hell has it gotten you?

Right here reading this, that's where. A pretty crappy substitute for hope, huh?

 

Your wife has really literally seen zero consequences for her actions.

 

Your wife does not respect you, man. Not one bit.

You are in a bargaining phase with yourself, and I get that. We all do that bargaining thing at one point or another.

 

If she will just come to her senses and realize what she is throwing away.....

 

She won't.

 

I'm sorry to be so matter of fact about this, however it pains me to see someone willing to waste another 6 months or so of their lives hoping against hope his remorseless wife is going to have a Eureka moment and have the scales fall from her eyes. It will not happen. Just won't, and you already know it. More emotional communication is not going to do anything but delay the inevitable. You have got to look out for yourself now. She is gone, and has been for a long time. I know it sucks to face that reality, but it is one that must be faced.

 

That "sign of strength and courage" to put up with this BS is just that...BS. That is the stuff of crappy movies on Lifetime Channel, not a reality of the common man. I hate to break it to you but call it what you want, in any language it means "sucker".

 

Stop being a sucker, man.

 

The best gift you can give yourself this holiday season is to love yourself enough to release your wife to her destiny. That is a nice way of saying kick her ass out of your life and never look back.

 

One resource I think it is IMPERATIVE that you get your hands on is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" You can google it and it is available in PDF form you can read it right off your computer. If anyone needs to read it, that would be you. It can be a lifesaver for you.

 

Good Luck:)

[HurtOfGlass]

who, himself, become a cuckold before even getting married?

 

Anyone can get cheated on at any point in a relationship. But what you do upon discovery and what you do to show how much you value yourself to your wayward matters the most.

 

Isn't it ironic that it comes from young Hindu man

 

T/J

This is a xenophobic statement. What my religion has to do with anything?