I need........... support

[Lois_Griffin]

If you do go back, I predict it will fail and you will cheat again should an opportunity arise. I say this because for you to ever really be fully engaged in your marriage, you will need to do a lot of work on yourself, and not hold out the standard of anyone else's marriage to determine if yours is working or not.

I agree 100% with this. I haven't really read ONE positive thing you've said about your wife in these 4 pages. Or maybe I skimmed over something nice, I could be wrong.

 

But the clear majority of the comments you've made about her have not been positive.

 

So I don't GET why you'd even want to go back. It's obvious it would be for self-serving purposes and not out off love and desire for your wife. If those ARE your reasons, you've hidden them in this thread very, very well.

 

So what's the payoff in going back to your wife? Is it because you have no other options now? Because she's the consolation prize now that your OW has ended the relationship? Is it because you'd rather come home to someone - anyone - rather than an empty apartment? Or is it just because it seems like the natural thing to do now that your love affair is over?

 

I have to say, I can't imagine why your wife would want you back. I just can't fathom wanting a man back after he's left me and our children to go off and frolic with a 25 year old young woman. My pride simply wouldn't allow that but I guess you're lucky that your wife is willing to swallow hers.

 

Good luck to you.

[Got it]

OP - I was married and left my marriage as did my now husband. We started as an affair.

 

What I observe with you are more of the actions/thinking of a "dry drunk". You are willing to focus on controlling the outward behavior but aren't wanting to dive deeper internally. Why are you willing to settle for "good enough"? Do you think that is fair to offer to your wife? That you are with her because it is comfortable, familiar and good enough?

 

Due to your reticence on being alone I think you should deep dive whether or not you are comfortable being alone. Is that a driving force on your decision making? And if so that isn't fair to your partner, that you are there because they are better than being alone.

 

While I knew having an affair was wrong I have never questioned or regretted my divorce. I didn't go into it without careful consideration and my decision to divorce was always separate of the affair. Even without my AP I knew I was going to divorce.

 

Because I fear you are, to some degree, using your partner to satisfy your fears, complacency, etc. that being alone would help you figure out what exactly you wanted for the rest of your life and you could give the other person the partner they deserve. Good enough is a poor reason to be with someone and since reconciliation, instead of rugsweeping, is hard work, good enough isn't going to cut it for your relationship to mend with your wife.

 

And in regards to your OP having expectations, I think you are being unfair. You are expecting these women to consider your feelings at different times yet have you truly considered theirs?

 

Please read "After the Affair" it will help you I think. And I again suggest therapy. Your kids deserve a dad that isn't just drifting through life making decisions on emotional whims and fears.

[gettingstronger]

Don't go back to your wife- reconciliation is a long, difficult process and from your writings it does not seem you are up to the task- you will do her more harm than good-prolonging her healing- she will get over this and she will move forward and find a relationship that fulfills her- I don't think that is you-you are not the one to heal her-

 

She is probably still in shock, it takes a while, and is scared and that is why she is willing to take you back- if you care about her at all- stay away and let her heal and grow beyond you-

[Cymbeline]

'I have to say, I can't imagine why your wife would want you back. I just can't fathom wanting a man back after he's left me and our children to go off and frolic with a 25 year old young woman. My pride simply wouldn't allow that but I guess you're lucky that your wife is willing to swallow hers.'

 

Perhaps she has the experience, wisdom and tolerance to understand there is no fool like an old fool. Perhaps she sees a her husband acting like a giddy teenager over a very young girl. Perhaps she has always believed his new relationship has no legs and is willing to see if he might find some wisdom of his own and return to being a reasonable father and husband.

[Got it]

'I have to say, I can't imagine why your wife would want you back. I just can't fathom wanting a man back after he's left me and our children to go off and frolic with a 25 year old young woman. My pride simply wouldn't allow that but I guess you're lucky that your wife is willing to swallow hers.'

 

Perhaps she has the experience, wisdom and tolerance to understand there is no fool like an old fool. Perhaps she sees a her husband acting like a giddy teenager over a very young girl. Perhaps she has always believed his new relationship has no legs and is willing to see if he might find some wisdom of his own and return to being a reasonable father and husband.

 

Okay, and I don't disagree with the analysis, but would that be enough to take a man back? So he comes with his tail between his legs because chasing a younger woman left him alone and unhappy. While that may make me smile, knowing that it took THAT to get him to focus on me again would be too little too late.

 

I want someone to want me because of the wonderful attributes of me, not want me because I am a soft place to land and viewed as their constant. Way too much consolation prize.

[Cymbeline]

"I want someone to want me because of the wonderful attributes of me, not want me because I am a soft place to land and viewed as their constant. Way too much consolation prize."

 

Ideally yes. But some of us are more willing to compromise or forgive. We're all different. She was by all accounts satisfied with her marriage. You weren't with yours.

[Sandy43]

Ahhh go easy?? I have been deeply conflicted throughout this. Right now feeling like I've been hit by a train

 

 

Just think how your poor wife feels, you tossed her aside like a piece of trash and now that you got dumped you are willing to settle for her. Disgusting, I think you should get into therapy and let your wife find someone who will treat her with love and respect.

[Goodbye]

 

 

 

Well the Ow is only 25. She can protest whatever she likes but she is not yet a fully formed adult character. My point was not how her age compared to yours feels now but how it will pan out in the next ten years. Do youbwantbto be the father of more young children in your 50 s for example? How will she feel when your libido slips and she is in her sexual prime? Her behaviour suggests she isn't the greatest respecter of the boundaries of marriage ....

 

 

My exH married his much younger woman and gets the pleasure of infants in his 50s! I sit back and chuckle quietly. Sorry for the digression. Age difference can be quite significant long term.

[Goodbye]

Maybe set both women free? Be single for a while. Work on an amicable co-parenting situation with your W. It can be done. There ARE normal children of divorce (I've got 3). You will still be a dad and in some ways, all the individual time each parent gets with the kids builds stronger bonds. When you are with your kids your focus is on them, not on your partner...it is different, but I've found it to be a rewarding challenge.

 

It doesn't sound like either woman is going to make you happy. You make yourself happy for a while and figure out exactly what you want in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with taking a hiatus from relationships to figure oneself out.

 

Do you know why your wife wants you back so badly? Is she fearful of being single? Is she in love with you?

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks Popsicle. I don't want out of all the trimmings associated with my previous life and marriage. The kids, the family home, the family vacations, pancakes on a Sunday morning....... all great stuff.

 

For you, the two most compelling reasons to return home are:

 

1). Regret over loss of family

 

2). Fear of being alone and facing the challenges of starting over

 

So if you go back for these reasons, this effectively relegates your wife to the role of a bystander that happens to be there as you live out the rest of your life in comfort and surrounded by children and (eventually) grandkids.

 

Not quite fair to her, eh?

 

Were you to divorce, you can be as involved with you kids as you choose to be. You can have as much companionship - OW included - as you desire. And you don't spend decades manipulating your wife's feelings under less than honest circumstances.

 

Though you might have to occasionally make your own pancakes, metaphor intended...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited October 20, 2015 by Mr. Lucky

[Carriages]

For you, the two most compelling reasons to return home are:

 

1). Regret over loss of family

 

2). Fear of being alone and facing the challenges of starting over

 

So if you go back for these reasons, this effectively relegates your wife to the role of a bystander that happens to be there as you live out the rest of your life in comfort and surrounded by children and (eventually) grandkids.

 

Not quite fair to her, eh?

 

Were you to divorce, you can be as involved with you kids as you choose to be. You can have as much companionship - OW included - as you desire. And you don't spend decades manipulating your wife's feelings under less than honest circumstances.

 

Though you might have to occasionally make your own pancakes, metaphor intended...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not quite. I have said previously, that were me and my wife to reconcile, we would have to grow to be better than ever before. The first 25 years all over again is not an option. I want a genuine, authentic relationship. With *someone*.

 

My wife is all for it. I do wonder if she's blinded by emotion still, but that's not for me to say. I would be all for it too if I thought the "elephants" could be conquered, trusted myself to put both feet in, and never look back. But that is what I'm struggling with, and have done for a year.

 

I think some people here are being way too simplistic, and judgemental. "Second best = divorce!!" Well, who's to say that in time I'd come to realize my wife is *not* second best?? Can a 25 year relationship that at some points has been almost good enough, be made into one that is perpetually good enough?? Should I not be making sure that no stone is left unturned before making the final decision to quit, mentally and physically? Is it really wrong to let factors such as the kids, the nuclear family be a factor in all this??

 

Someone mentioned my lack of mention of my wife's positive qualities. I actually didn't think I'd mentioned anything, positive or negative. She has plenty, of both. What it comes down to is that there has never been a true sense of "partnership". That this is someone my soul can be safe with. That this is someone I help grow, who helps me grow.

[truncated]

Not quite. I have said previously, that were me and my wife to reconcile, we would have to grow to be better than ever before. The first 25 years all over again is not an option. I want a genuine, authentic relationship. With *someone*.

 

My wife is all for it. I do wonder if she's blinded by emotion still, but that's not for me to say. I would be all for it too if I thought the "elephants" could be conquered, trusted myself to put both feet in, and never look back. But that is what I'm struggling with, and have done for a year.

 

I think some people here are being way too simplistic, and judgemental. "Second best = divorce!!" Well, who's to say that in time I'd come to realize my wife is *not* second best?? Can a 25 year relationship that at some points has been almost good enough, be made into one that is perpetually good enough?? Should I not be making sure that no stone is left unturned before making the final decision to quit, mentally and physically? Is it really wrong to let factors such as the kids, the nuclear family be a factor in all this??

 

Someone mentioned my lack of mention of my wife's positive qualities. I actually didn't think I'd mentioned anything, positive or negative. She has plenty, of both. What it comes down to is that there has never been a true sense of "partnership". That this is someone my soul can be safe with. That this is someone I help grow, who helps me grow.

 

 

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but one thing is sure. You just don't get it.

 

I don't know if it's because of self centredness or self deception, but I don't get why you refuse to see that you already did this ( bolded). You left your wife and your marriage for someone younger, and now you are asking the questions like this?

 

Come on, seriously?

 

If those questions didn't matter before, why do they suddenly matter now? I'm guessing it's because right now, you are out of other options.

 

If you do go back to your wife, what will happen the next time so young thing comes along and flirts a little bit? Will all your good intentions suddenly go out the window? You have done or said nothing to indicate otherwise.

[Carriages]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but one thing is sure. You just don't get it.

 

I don't know if it's because of self centredness or self deception, but I don't get why you refuse to see that you already did this ( bolded). You left your wife and your marriage for someone younger, and now you are asking the questions like this?

 

Come on, seriously?

 

If those questions didn't matter before, why do they suddenly matter now? I'm guessing it's because right now, you are out of other options.

 

If you do go back to your wife, what will happen the next time so young thing comes along and flirts a little bit? Will all your good intentions suddenly go out the window? You have done or said nothing to indicate otherwise.

What??? Of course the questions mattered before. I left my wife because my marriage had been languishing forever, some things seemed unfixable, I had been researching leaving for ages THEN I had an affair. Leaving actually seemed like the right, honest thing to do. Once I left, I was eaten alive by guilt, couldn't fully commit to the OW and it's turned into a huge mess.

 

And no, I trust myself never to commit adultery ever again. That much, I am sure of.

Edited October 20, 2015 by Carriages

[LivingWaterPlease]

I left my wife because my marriage had been languishing forever, some things seemed unfixable, I had been researching leaving for ages THEN I had an affair. Leaving actually seemed like the right, honest thing to do. Once I left, I was eaten alive by guilt, couldn't fully commit to the OW and it's turned into a huge mess.

.

 

Why would the issues seem fixable at this point if they weren't fixable for 25 years while you were with your wife?

 

Does your wife know you love OW? You wrote early on that if OW wanted you back you would go to her (or something along those lines). Does your W know this?

 

I ask this because I can't fathom living with a man who loves another woman, especially when I knew he'd settled for me in the first place.

 

I wonder if your wife realizes that you see your OW more as a partner while you view your wife more as a family member, but not an intimate partner?

 

I posted early on in the thread that it seems to me you need some time to live apart from your wife and OW both to go through IC and settle in to who you are as a person.

 

I do think if you know you want to be back with your wife and put your family back together, if you are sure of it, then it makes sense to go back to her now.

 

But given 1.your uncertainty about going back to your wife, 2. the elephants that have been unfixable for 25 years and 3. that you love another woman, it seems to me you'd be best off to work through some things on your own for six months to a year with the help of MC in which your W would be included. Or at the very least IC. Or possibly IC and then MC at some point.

 

Though you would be living in your own place you could be available to communicate with your wife and also participate in family outings, evenings at home, etc. The particulars of this type arrangement would be best figured out with your counselor, I would think.

[OldRover]

Well, here's a question...

 

What does the wife want?

 

She wants him back, that's one good reason to go back home. I'll stand by my original comments.

 

Seems like there's a lot of comments to not go back.... not deserving... not good for any woman.... needs time to find himself....

 

Time away usually doesn't heal... it makes one forget. It doesn't often work. If he wants to go back and make it work... then do it, but do it for the reason to make it work.

[autumnnight]

Carriages,

 

You should consider going back with your wife right away. I'd argue to not put anymore time and distance between you if you really want to be successful with her.

 

You also should have a very serious talk with her. From your comments you imply issues with your marriage and you both need to work on them now. You'll need to establish some boundaries and live by them. And you'll need to put the OW our of your mind... NC again forever, and you'll need to work hard on forgetting her.

 

Your wife is very understanding to want you back, and you'll have to prove to her that you want the same, and it will take time and work to reestablish your trust and relationship.

 

BUT.... don't do it unless you really want to, and will make a commitment to it. I'd bet if you both did, it would work.

 

Go for it.

 

Um....no to the bolded

 

Your pre-affair marriage issues are a chronic condition, like asthma or a heart murmur. YOU instigated a massive heart attack with your affair. That acute injury needs ALL YOUR attention and work right now. When you have given her plenty of time and proof that she is safe with you, THEN you can start telling HER what to improve.

 

You shattered her world. You don't get to dictate the timing and circumstances of reconciliation.

[autumnnight]

It takes at least two for an affair, and often there is a third person that helped create a situation for this.

 

I am absolutely flabbergasted by this offensive statement. PLEASE do not even hint to your wife that SHE caused your affair.

[Goodbye]

What??? Of course the questions mattered before. I left my wife because my marriage had been languishing forever, some things seemed unfixable, I had been researching leaving for ages THEN I had an affair. Leaving actually seemed like the right, honest thing to do. Once I left, I was eaten alive by guilt, couldn't fully commit to the OW and it's turned into a huge mess.

 

And no, I trust myself never to commit adultery ever again. That much, I am sure of.

 

 

What specifically did you do to work on your marriage before you had the affair? If things had been "languishing forever," was your wife aware of your feelings?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, here's a question...

 

What does the wife want?

 

She wants him back, that's one good reason to go back home. I'll stand by my original comments.

 

Seems like there's a lot of comments to not go back.... not deserving... not good for any woman.... needs time to find himself....

 

Time away usually doesn't heal... it makes one forget. It doesn't often work. If he wants to go back and make it work... then do it, but do it for the reason to make it work.

 

I agree with this, Carriages, if you want to go back by all means go back. But, it seems from your posts you emotionally don't want to. Perhaps you do want to and are on this thread processing your emotions which I can understand.

 

But, I would still ask the question, "Why do you think the elephants that were unfixable 25 years ago would be fixable now?"

 

Make no mistake, if you want to go back, I'm totally in favor of you doing so.

 

It seems to me, however, that you don't want to go back to your wife but do want to go back to your family. That could be a recipe for disaster. And it could be a recipe for success. Depending on if your issues can be resolved.

 

That's why I wonder why you believe they could be resolved at this point after 25 years of being unresolved and also with the added handicap of believing you settled for your wife to start with?

 

One more comment, to Old Rover's statement that time doesn't heal, it makes one forget. That is true if you don't love someone.

 

If the love is true time will not make you forget. I can personally fully attest to this and have seen it played out in many relationships of others over a span of say, forty or fifty years. When the love is there, it stays. When it's not true love, it dies out.

 

So, yes, if the love you and your wife share isn't true it probably will die out if you don't go back. That would be a reason to get back soon so that you can save your family if that's your main goal.

Edited October 20, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease

[Ladyjane14]

Um....no to the bolded

 

Your pre-affair marriage issues are a chronic condition, like asthma or a heart murmur. YOU instigated a massive heart attack with your affair. That acute injury needs ALL YOUR attention and work right now. When you have given her plenty of time and proof that she is safe with you, THEN you can start telling HER what to improve.

 

You shattered her world. You don't get to dictate the timing and circumstances of reconciliation.

 

Exactly. It's a traumatic stress injury, one that's been dealt out by the one person in this world that she was supposed to be able to trust.

 

The OP thinks he's in the catbird seat choosing between two women as to which one will make HIM the happiest. He's rewritten his marital history, performed the mental gymnastics that made cruelty of this caliber okay... and hasn't got a CLUE what's actually involved in marital recovery post-adultery.

 

If he goes back... it's to clean up the mess that HE has made. And that starts with actual, real, EMPATHY for the wife he vowed to cherish and then chose to dishonor. Marital recovery depends largely on the cheater taking on the role of healer. And unfortunately, the OP is still in affairyland with a 25 year-old who probably hasn't even reached true brain maturity yet.

 

I don't think he's considered the logistics involved in either case scenario. On the one hand, going back to the wife would mean about two years of hard work and humbling introspection, (well worth it in terms of personal growth, but that's just my opinion). On the other, a lifetime of being mistaken for his girlfriend's father, not to mention the contempt he's likely to receive from family members on all three sides and the whispered gossip of former friends and coworkers. But hey, what's a ruined reputation and a lifetime of insecurity when we're talkin' True Love?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Carriages...only you and your wife and your girlfriend know the dynamics that have been a part of your lives these past couple of years...and i cannot even begin to think or describe how any of you feels. I am sorry you are here...

 

I am a former wayward wife.... and my husband chose to allow me to stay and continue our marriage....and we have done so for the past 32 years.

 

I am not one to point fingers or make judgment calls or throw stones since i live in a glass house. But I am going to tell you some of the things i see here in your situation.

 

You are in no condition to be in any kind of relationship right now. I think you need to get some IC...and sort through some issues before you involve anyone else.

 

While you are doing that...it might be a very good idea for your wife to do the same.

 

Living alone...without jumping back into your wife's life...might help you to get some perspective that you have not been able to get since you left her bed for the bed of another woman.

 

You need to sort through so many things....you need to evaluate how you really feel...with no pressure or expectations from anyone else.

 

There are many things your wife is going to need from you...and i just don't think that right now you can give her what she needs.

 

While the person i am most concerned with here is your wife...there are three individuals here that need healing and i don't think in your present state of mind or condition...that you are capable of helping anyone else.

 

I think moving back in with your wife...will be a huge mistake...for you and her. Please think about this...you do not want to further damage her....

 

Please think about her and do not make any promises, please do not string her along...please do not hurt her...please...this time...put her first....and by putting her first...it means leaving her alone...while you work on you.

[Popsicle]

Why don't you ask your wife what she needs from you

, besides just coming back.

[Carriages]

I agree with this, Carriages, if you want to go back by all means go back. But, it seems from your posts you emotionally don't want to. Perhaps you do want to and are on this thread processing your emotions which I can understand.

This is exactly it. Believe me, both sides of this argument have played out in my head since I left. Although now that the OW has gone (she really has) I'm able to see things with more clarity.

 

But, I would still ask the question, "Why do you think the elephants that were unfixable 25 years ago would be fixable now?"

Because - if I'm honest - this was never a marriage I had both feet in. I knew I'd settled, I knew I'd said yes because it was the path of least resistance. There's a chance - if I could get to a place where I could really put both feet in, never look back, commit and be a better partner, that these "elephants" wouldn't seem to be such an issue. Still there, but perhaps not deal breakers.

 

Make no mistake, if you want to go back, I'm totally in favor of you doing so.

 

It seems to me, however, that you don't want to go back to your wife but do want to go back to your family.

Yeah - acknowledging of course, that my wife does make up part of the family. I don't miss her touch, her presence on any sort of visceral level. But I do feel a sense of peace when she's around.

That could be a recipe for disaster. And it could be a recipe for success. Depending on if your issues can be resolved.

 

That's why I wonder why you believe they could be resolved at this point after 25 years of being unresolved and also with the added handicap of believing you settled for your wife to start with?

At the moment...... I don't believe it - enough. I'm also aware that if I were to take the plunge back in, I'd immediately mentally step backwards again, unless I was mentally strong enough to cope with it. Right now I'm not. Edited October 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quotes

[Carriages]

Why don't you ask your wife what she needs from you

, besides just coming back.

 

We have had discussions, and continue to. She'd like me to be more "present" at home, behave myself (of course)...... but most importantly, be genuinely "there" and love her. She doesn't want to go back to "before" either - although I know in reality the onus is all on me to decide.

[Carriages]

Carriages...only you and your wife and your girlfriend know the dynamics that have been a part of your lives these past couple of years...and i cannot even begin to think or describe how any of you feels. I am sorry you are here...

Thank you

 

I am a former wayward wife.... and my husband chose to allow me to stay and continue our marriage....and we have done so for the past 32 years.

Well done

 

You are in no condition to be in any kind of relationship right now. I think you need to get some IC...and sort through some issues before you involve anyone else.

I have had quite a bit of IC. It doesn't get me very far really.

While you are doing that...it might be a very good idea for your wife to do the same.

She has done, with some benefit I think.

 

Please think about her and do not make any promises, please do not string her along...please do not hurt her...please...this time...put her first....and by putting her first...it means leaving her alone...while you work on you.

Well - I am stringing her along, and have done all year. But only through honesty. She keeps asking if I've "made a final decision" to which I reply "no, I'm conflicted, confused and still trying to work it through". Which of course gives her hope. But what should I do?? Lie??

Edited October 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator