Author Carriages Posted November 28, 2015 Author Share Posted November 28, 2015 My wife has just announced that in spite of not wanting to, she's going to start dating, and has someone lined up. It's genuine, but telling me was a clear ploy to evoke a rebound reaction in me and have me rushing back on bended knee. It certainly did make me stop and think. My last chance to save my old life - much of which I lament the loss of - does seem to be nigh. The thing is, I still just don't trust myself enough to be a good partner. I can 100% say I'll never commit adultery again - but in terms of being present, not passive-aggressive, withdrawn...... I don't know. Around my wife, I become a person that I just don't like. If I could trust myself to get in there and stay positive (at least most of the time) I'd be back in there, believe me. On the other hand, I do *want* my wife to be happy. I do want her to experience the positive, loving authentic relationship that she didn't really ever have with me. So maybe the right thing to do here is watch her date with good grace?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 On the other hand, I do *want* my wife to be happy. I do want her to experience the positive, loving authentic relationship that she didn't really ever have with me. So maybe the right thing to do here is watch her date with good grace?? She deserves the kind of love you guys didn't share.... please let her go and try and find it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 It's always the woman that breaks the impasse. Good for her for moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 A wise male friend used to tell me that men who act indecisive and sit on the fence end up losing both women. I think this will happen in this case but maybe that's for the best. I did tell you this, and that's exactly what's happening. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 On the other hand, I do *want* my wife to be happy. I do want her to experience the positive, loving authentic relationship that she didn't really ever have with me. So maybe the right thing to do here is watch her date with good grace?? That's an awfully active description for what has been a very passive approach. Doesn't it seem a shame that your marriage might end, not because you decided that was the right thing, but rather that you twiddled your thumbs for so long your wife found someone else? If you let the course of events make your decisions for you, can't complain about the results... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Well you sound rather blasé about your wife dating so I would say yes, you should just accept it and let her go. It might be just a ploy to illicit some jealousy in you at the moment but maybe she will get a little taste of the passion and romance that you had in your affair and that might bring her around to your way of thinking. She may discover that you weren't all that and a bag of chips either. She may realize that she's been settling and awaken to the fact that she has her fair share of resentment towards you too. Once your both on the same page then you can divorce and everyone can breathe a huge sigh of relief that it's finally over. Most importantly your wife gets to move on without getting crushed again. Let her date, wish her well, and let her go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 That's an awfully active description for what has been a very passive approach. Doesn't it seem a shame that your marriage might end, not because you decided that was the right thing, but rather that you twiddled your thumbs for so long your wife found someone else? If you let the course of events make your decisions for you, can't complain about the results... Mr. Lucky Some people just are passive and they need life to happen to them because they can't make decisions. They are happy with this too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 I think the sheer fact that you have not been swift to act shows your subconscious lack of desire to actually work on getting back with her. Now whether or not you will not be forced to act because the commodity (your wife) is now potentially off the shelf will stand to be seen. Which I would suspect is all ego on your part. Wish her well, if you truly wanted her the door to her dating would never have been opened, and move on with your life. Find someone that works for you and that you can have that true authentic love for. You love your wife in a familial way due to your shared history; not in the way either one of you deserves to be loved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 The thing is, I still just don't trust myself enough to be a good partner. I can 100% say I'll never commit adultery again - but in terms of being present, not passive-aggressive, withdrawn...... I don't know. Around my wife, I become a person that I just don't like. If I could trust myself to get in there and stay positive (at least most of the time) I'd be back in there, believe me. You had an affair--that's bad. You hurt people in the process--that's bad. But in the end... Could it be that all this time, you just were married to the 'wrong' person? I don't mean a 'bad' person--by 'wrong' I mean perhaps you and your wife just weren't meant to be? To say "I don't know. Around my wife, I become a person that I just don't like." says a LOT. Even if you force yourself to rekindle and work on this marriage--is it worth it to force that kind of 'love' when you don't really feel it inside? On the other hand, I do *want* my wife to be happy. I do want her to experience the positive, loving authentic relationship that she didn't really ever have with me. You are right--she deserves to find someone she can love and be loved by; but so do YOU--despite your wrong-doings. You deserve to discover a loving relationship for yourself also. Listen to your instincts. You haven't been happy with your wife--that's the bottom-line. Take this entire thing as a lesson and give yourself the permission to find someone who can make you feel happy and to whom you can commit fully with honesty also. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 My wife has just announced that in spite of not wanting to, she's going to start dating, and has someone lined up. It's genuine, but telling me was a clear ploy to evoke a rebound reaction in me and have me rushing back on bended knee. It certainly did make me stop and think. My last chance to save my old life - much of which I lament the loss of - does seem to be nigh. The thing is, I still just don't trust myself enough to be a good partner. I can 100% say I'll never commit adultery again - but in terms of being present, not passive-aggressive, withdrawn...... I don't know. Around my wife, I become a person that I just don't like. If I could trust myself to get in there and stay positive (at least most of the time) I'd be back in there, believe me. On the other hand, I do *want* my wife to be happy. I do want her to experience the positive, loving authentic relationship that she didn't really ever have with me. So maybe the right thing to do here is watch her date with good grace?? Well, she did give you what?.. 16 months?.. to make your move. I think she's waited long enough, so yeah... whatever good grace you can muster would be in order. To be perfectly honest with you though, I don't believe for a second that you give a hot damn about her being "happy". I think it's more likely that you just don't want to be the one responsible for pulling the trigger on divorce. You don't want to face the fallout from having nuked the marriage, and you don't trust your own judgment any more. Maybe in the back of your mind too, you're tinkering with the idea that if she gets out and gets a little strange, you'd be back to an even playing field where you don't have to feel so bad about what you did. And you know what?... there's nothing really unusual or unique about those kind of thoughts among waywards. What's different about you... is that you're so hell bent on avoidance. Most guys would've come to the correct conclusion by now that the only way forward is through. Whether that meant reconciliation or divorce, the emotional baggage would have to be unpacked. But not you. You're just going to carry it all with you, wherever you go... forever. Nothing your wife does now or in the future is going to change the past. You can't go back and un-**** someone, you know? You can't revisit the past and choose not to cheat on her. So, you're going to HAVE to stop blame-shifting and deal with your guilt at some point. The alternative is a lifetime of dithering while trying to convince yourself that your life is somehow more "authentic". Are you still in IC? Because if not, really consider sorting all this out with someone. And if you are... like I suggested earlier, find someone a little tougher, who's willing to put your feet to the fire. When women are done... they're usually DONE. So, the window of opportunity might already be closed; it's impossible to say from here. But that doesn't mean you can't still emerge from all this mess in a healthy, more balanced way. You're going to have to deal with what happened head-on though, stop looking for external sources to blame, and deal with your inner demons. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 If being with your wife makes you become a person you don't like - she IS NOT the one for you. You only miss the life you had with her...and not HER.. You both need partners that 'do it' for you. You are lucky enough to have experienced that with the OW.....Now your wife needs a chance to have a man who is 'into her' and can be happy with who he is around her. I think if she ever finds that love and passion ....She'll kick herself for waiting so long to move on, being kept dangling by you....with glimmers of hope. I just hope the love doesn't turn to hate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carriages Posted November 29, 2015 Author Share Posted November 29, 2015 I think the sheer fact that you have not been swift to act shows your subconscious lack of desire to actually work on getting back with her. Now whether or not you will not be forced to act because the commodity (your wife) is now potentially off the shelf will stand to be seen. Which I would suspect is all ego on your part. Wish her well, if you truly wanted her the door to her dating would never have been opened, and move on with your life. Find someone that works for you and that you can have that true authentic love for. You love your wife in a familial way due to your shared history; not in the way either one of you deserves to be loved. But neither of us may ever find it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 But neither of us may ever find it. But Carriages, that's life. "Happiness" or "true love" aren't destinations, their processes your engage in on the journey. They're messy, chaotic, confusing, confounding and mysterious. You're focusing on the bricks in the wall when you should be thinking about the cement. When it's all said and done, you haven't arrived - hopefully, you've traveled... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 But neither of us may ever find it. Doesn't stop you both from trying to find it though. With the best will in the world you can't force your feelings for someone. You never ever had those feelings for her and if she thinks back....to the fact that she proposed... she'll realise herself that you were never deeply in love with her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 But neither of us may ever find it. But you may. I would rather try and not find, but enjoy the journey than settle out of fear and complaceny. You are certain not to find it continuing exactly as you are now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Around my wife, I become a person that I just don't like. This is telling. If you said that about anything else: "around alcohol, I become a person I just don't like", for example, it would be obvious to you. Avoid alcohol. It's not good for you. I came to realise this, in IC, about my ex-wife. I had become someone I neither liked nor respected. Someone my family no longer recognised. I was a different person around her to who I was with everyone else. Not in a good way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 If you said that about anything else: "around alcohol, I become a person I just don't like", for example, it would be obvious to you. Avoid alcohol. It's not good for you. Well said. I came to realise this, in IC, about my ex-wife. I had become someone I neither liked nor respected. Someone my family no longer recognised. I was a different person around her to who I was with everyone else. Not in a good way. Isn't that sad? But I'm glad you no longer are with her. Isn't it just a sad irony when the person who you once hoped would make you feel like the happiest person in the world actually brings out the worst in you. That sense of entrapment really eats away at your soul slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carriages Posted December 21, 2015 Author Share Posted December 21, 2015 It has occurred to me that neither my marriage, nor my dead affair relationship have been good places for me to be in, either mentally or literally. So here's what I need to do. Live alone. Avoid relationships, except on the most superficial basis. Embrace my male friends. Be a good Dad. Support the family. Live with integrity according to my values. I realise this is the sort of stuff you guys have been telling me all along. Yes, there is a slight element of "me, me, me" in this. But if it produces the sort of guy my family deserve, and that's still a possibility, then that's a great outcome. On the other hand, if it produces a person I can be proud of again, along with the realisation that my marriage is a chapter that must now be closed, then that's a positive outcome too. Merry Christmas all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Were odds to have to laid on your first post, I'd guess divorce would have been deemed the most likely outcome. And yours has always been a chicken/egg situation - did the A cause fatal damage to your marriage or was the broken state of your relationship the primary factor in the course of events. Have you told your wife? Kids? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carriages Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Were odds to have to laid on your first post, I'd guess divorce would have been deemed the most likely outcome. And yours has always been a chicken/egg situation - did the A cause fatal damage to your marriage or was the broken state of your relationship the primary factor in the course of events. Have you told your wife? Kids? Mr. Lucky Not in so many words, no. Although I have left my apartment and moved into another house, and am setting it up as a home. I have no doubt (and in fact had an epiphanal moment yesterday) that our relationship had serious issues with the dynamics from the word go. Which was all masked by the fact that my wife really is a lovely person and far more giving of herself than I am. For so long I thought that 'ought' to be enough. Part of me still does. But when I sat down and really identified what my my needs in a relationship are (which aren't unreasonable ones), I was forced to admit that my W. has never met them and by the nature of her person probably isn't capable of it. I have apologized to her - sincerely - for not forcing better communication from the start, for not being present, and for having an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 You better not go running to the OW...Is the A actually over with her? I hope you and your wife go to marriage counseling to learn how to be the best co parents to your children and do family counseling to help them adjust to the upcoming changes. You and your wife need to put your kids first and have a genuine respect for one another as co parents and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Yes before you go dating anybody else, you need to make sure your kids are well adjusted. And FYI not all couples or kids need counseling. Some adjust just fine, like me and mine. You have to evaluate that as it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Agreed on the kids.... take care of them is first. Where are they living now, and what's the arrangements? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 Dating while in this limbo and state of mind would be disastrous. Concentrate on getting healthy Merry Christmas to you....concentrate on those babies 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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