Thanks everyone, I am done.

[ZA Dater]

Bad idea simply because you are doing things with K as the reason behind it. Forget K as a factor right now. Just resign yourself to the fact that you're not going to win her over in the next 3-6 months. You're just not, and living your life and doing things because you think she will like it or react to it will just continue to paralyze your growth. When you're able to meet a good looking girl and ask her to an event because you think she'd be fun to go with and nothing else then you're in the right track.

 

Plus the honest truth is that she probably will never feel the way you want her to about you. Just because my story expressed hope of continued pursuit and you like reading that the 1 in a million chance ended up working out and your goal is to beat the odds, doesn't mean that it's gonna happen to you. You can tell your son that he can be a pro football player if he trains hard enough and dedicated himself relentlessly. But if he never gets drafted and at 35 years old is still without a job then you've failed to also prepare him for the sad reality that not everything we want ends up being attainable. You would tell your son that it's time to find a different job and interest other than the NfL wouldn't you?

 

So I'm telling you... Time to hang up the cleats and realize the NfL isn't calling.

 

Sure but isn't the above being termed "negative", giving up before you start, anticipating failure instead of success.

[ZA Dater]

Lastly... I completely disagree with your last paragraph.. You have mentioned this a lot in your posts I notice. Needing to "WOW" the girl and be Wowed in return in order for you to get involved.

 

That's the same "love at first sight" mindset that keeps people from exploring the actual perfect partner just because they didn't blow their freakin mind on the first date or two. It's not a performance of showmanship where you're trying to leave the date and just collapse because she's an angel who came down from heaven just for you.

 

You'll never meet anyone that way. And no one wants to feel like you're putting on a show or acting in order to impress them. The relationships that work develop slowly and get stronger because you're uncovering little things about the person every time you're together that add to the initial attraction.

 

Thats like thinking that a baseball player will only have a good game if he hits a home run on his first at bat of the year. My fiancée didn't blow my mind the first time or two that I was around her. But as I learned more about her I just liked little things that she absolutely was not doing purposely and just part of her overall nature.

 

And the things that Wow you and make sense to you I can almost guarantee won't be the same things that WOW a girl. Just like the things a girl or K for example would consider WOW'ing, might be something you do so subtly and are unaware of that you couldn't replicate it and present it to her intentionally even if you knew what it was. So my opinion is that you just need to place less of emphasis on the "Omg she's everything I've ever wanted!" Immediately and more "she seems like a really sweet girl, it's nice to be around her" and nothing further. Letting feelings develop naturally will always be more effective

 

Unfortunately everything I do in life revolves around some sort of draw, if I don't feel drawn to something it doesn't interest me at all, that's where the wow comes from. When I say wow, I simply mean that I must simply be the best me t try and give the best impression of myself.

 

Another unfortunate fact is I do have a list of what I like, everyone does and my likes are somewhat unusual, it stands to reason "nice to be around" is important but its rare for me to find that, my mind just becomes bored with most people.

[Toodaloo]

ZA - sometimes the best WOW's are the ones that hit unexpectedly.

 

You know this person, you spend time with them, then all of a sudden one day, for no reason it hits you in the face like a steam train.

 

I think you probably are more into looks than you care to admit, but you find most good looking people dull.

 

Its fine. Just keep going and quit the "woe is me attitude". You will get there.

[ZA Dater]

ZA - sometimes the best WOW's are the ones that hit unexpectedly.

 

You know this person, you spend time with them, then all of a sudden one day, for no reason it hits you in the face like a steam train.

 

I think you probably are more into looks than you care to admit, but you find most good looking people dull.

 

Its fine. Just keep going and quit the "woe is me attitude". You will get there.

 

Trust me the very best thing looks wise about K is her face, yes she looks stunning to me but she is on the curvy side, some would say on the wrong side.

 

I never really get to the spend time with them part but you know I got up this morning at 3am (cant sleep because this is sitting on my mind) worked out for an hour and then sat down and listed all the things I am good at and all the things I like.

 

Probably the frustrating thing is I don't really meet people, that's the route core I think of many of these issues. The real viable option for me at the moment, spend a few months working on me and then go out to bars, sit around and see what the scene is like.

 

For me WOW is attraction and she can be 5.9, 32d and blue eyes but if she cant speak well, doesn't have knowledge the level of interest is zero.

[lino]

My question here is what is worth changing to become attractive, where does one draw the line as to what should be changed and what should not be changed?

 

Unfortunately the line for this is very blurry. It depends on the individuals.

 

Yeah, if you were walking around in thongs, socks, tracksuit pants and a stained singlet then definitely a change of clothes wouldn't go astray.

 

However what you say you like to wear is fine and if it's genuinely what you like then you shouldn't stop wearing it and start wearing clothes you dread simply because you think it'll pull women.

Can't speak for your country but over here I never saw chinos hold a guy back.

 

What you change is really up to you. If it makes you feel uncomfortable doing something else to try and catch someone's attention then I'd say you've crossed the line.

 

If you make a change but you can bear it then I'd say it's ok.

 

Some of the things you listed to improve yourself are definitely worthwhile like getting in healthy shape. I emphasise healthy shape not necessarily huge muscles. If you get really built but don't have the attitude to go with it, it won't work and going by how you come across here, I doubt you have that attitude.

I don't have it either and know first hand that simply building muscle doesn't get you all that far. Might get you a few air heads but that's about it.

 

You know, skimming the thread here, I've got to say, I've seen this spiral before and a lot of it comes from the "well meaning helpers" not knowing the person and his or her individual context at all. It turns into a lot of popular advice (which isn't the same thing as popular solutions) and then berating the OP for not taking it (or they MIGHT be things he tried that didn't work for him, because again: advice versus what really works) for shooting them down. I've been there. It's not to frustrate the repliers, it's looking for the right solutions. Don't like how he's reacting to your suggestions, don't participate in the thread. Simple as that.

 

That said, I'll put in my two cents as a reference for him:

 

- Confidence is complete and utter bulls___. It's crap advice and I swear people say it because: 1. it sounds like the right thing to say, or 2. They're attractive and charismatic individuals that could fart and get good results. Frankly, I'm a confident guy... not going to pretend I could land a plane when I can't... but anything reasonably within the scope of my capabilities I go into with a positive outlook on outcome. This has never done s___ to garner any success with dating. Heck, I'm more knowledgeable, capable, and socially adept as I grow older and my ability to attract women has done nothing but dwindle.

 

- I'm not anti- join a club, try your church/cult (we're not all religious, thank you), volunteer, yada, yada, yada... but I don't REALLY know too many people who met their S.O. there. I don't know any, really. This is like the number on go-to advice and I just don't think it's all that great. Meetups too, while I like going and it's fun to meet new people, aren't exactly a haven for available and eligible women in my experience... and the singles ones have very specific demographics. Great if you're a divorcé / empty nester. Forget it otherwise.

 

- Bars aren't as bad as everyone says. One of the nice things is you can target your crowd a bit. I'm a muso / gentrified type and tend to be more comfortable in the more hipster / rock crowd joints over douchebag dance places. People are a little more loosened up thanks to the alcohol. That said, they still mostly suck, as they're still pretty cliquey environments with no real driver for social interaction necessarily, and too drunk women are impossible to connect with.

 

- Online dating is the biggest mystery in the universe so far as I'm concerned. I've got more mental clarity on how the Higgs-Boson plays into M-theory. It's a ____ing miserable, frustrating, and largely fruitless. experience. That said, it's the only place I've gotten dates in the last six years or so... about one a year. So, yeah, there's that.

 

- OP: Forget the one girl. Just forget her. There is no point in wasting time, energy, thought, or breath on someone that's not into you. A lot of people will dismiss others on the stupidest s___ imaginable. Move on.

 

- Also, OP: I'd question the quality of your friends. Nice that they want to hook you up (not that they're obligated to), but lame if they don't know anything about you or what you're looking for in a mate. I've had friends, even ones I didn't know that we'll, offer to hook me up before but they had the sense to poll on what I was looking for. If you're not into big women and they're trying to set you up with big women, they're being d__ks, IMO.

 

Anyway, highly anecdotal, but my two cents.

 

Great post and spot on.

 

The 'just be confident' crowd are precisely those who haven't had a lifetime of being only single.

 

They don't know constant rejection with no success in between.

It's just said so one can give themselves a little pat on the back.

 

My theory is that luck just plays such a huge part if you aren't in anyway mainstream attractive.

 

I didn't do anything confidence wise when I finally found some form of success.

[ZA Dater]

Unfortunately the line for this is very blurry. It depends on the individuals.

 

Yeah, if you were walking around in thongs, socks, tracksuit pants and a stained singlet then definitely a change of clothes wouldn't go astray.

 

However what you say you like to wear is fine and if it's genuinely what you like then you shouldn't stop wearing it and start wearing clothes you dread simply because you think it'll pull women.

Can't speak for your country but over here I never saw chinos hold a guy back.

 

What you change is really up to you. If it makes you feel uncomfortable doing something else to try and catch someone's attention then I'd say you've crossed the line.

 

If you make a change but you can bear it then I'd say it's ok.

 

Some of the things you listed to improve yourself are definitely worthwhile like getting in healthy shape. I emphasise healthy shape not necessarily huge muscles. If you get really built but don't have the attitude to go with it, it won't work and going by how you come across here, I doubt you have that attitude.

I don't have it either and know first hand that simply building muscle doesn't get you all that far. Might get you a few air heads but that's about it.

 

 

 

Great post and spot on.

 

The 'just be confident' crowd are precisely those who haven't had a lifetime of being only single.

 

They don't know constant rejection with no success in between.

It's just said so one can give themselves a little pat on the back.

 

My theory is that luck just plays such a huge part if you aren't in anyway mainstream attractive.

 

I didn't do anything confidence wise when I finally found some form of success.

 

The last part is so very true! All the people that tell me to be confident have never experienced constant rejection.

 

Today I went to big social event, didn't know anyone but decided to be confident and just be me as well as positive and it really went very well, I felt really good. Wore new style of clothes my colleagues remarked that I looked really good. Met some great people at the event.

 

The success was i went out there and interacted well, was positive. More than that i actually felt attractive.

[autumnnight]

I am not a dating expert, so I won't advise you.

 

What I will say is this.

 

When I want to do something new or something better, I go to the people who have had success.

 

If I want to learn to cook, I am going to consult the friend I have who is the best cook. If I want to learn photography, I go to someone whose pictures are fabulous.

 

You may get a lot of commiseration from people who feel just as "loosery" as you in the dating world, but whether they like it or not, your best advice IS going to be from people who have actually experienced consistent success.

 

It's comforting to agree with the woe is me women are awful cause they won't give me sex crowd.....but none of them are getting girls either....which is why they are so mad at all of us

 

You want success - listen to the successful.

[PinkElephants]

Simply put I wish I was someone people actually found attractive but no amount of clothes or haircuts will ever make me anything more than the social misfit I already am.

 

"If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely"- Roald Dahl

 

Don't try to hide your sadness, change it! It sounds like you've already started by having a great time at that event. Keep it up.

 

People work hard to avoid pain and try to gain happiness. Therefore, people will go out of their way to avoid a sullen person and seek out those who look like they can offer joy regardless of their physical attractiveness.

 

One of my dearest friends is an oddly proportioned guy who is bursting at the seams with energy and pure happiness. He's absolutely magnetic to every one he meets. You simply can't help but smile when he's around Another friend, one of my "brothers" who's been with me forever, is below average height, graying early, and doesn't have any of the typically masculine facial features but women flock to him because he radiates an irresistible mixture mischief and fun. There's no reason you can't be them.

 

Things could always be worse. You could be my cousin; he let one, ONE, particularly cruel rejection scar him so badly he was never able to get back in the game. He's almost 45.

[Qboro90]

Unfortunately everything I do in life revolves around some sort of draw, if I don't feel drawn to something it doesn't interest me at all, that's where the wow comes from. When I say wow, I simply mean that I must simply be the best me t try and give the best impression of myself.

 

Another unfortunate fact is I do have a list of what I like, everyone does and my likes are somewhat unusual, it stands to reason "nice to be around" is important but its rare for me to find that, my mind just becomes bored with most people.

 

 

Well then that begs the question.... Why aren't you trying to be the best you and the best version of yourself at ALL times regardless of any "wow" factors?? That is what you should be aiming towards. With your standards, highly specific and somewhat self limiting requirements that you look for, you are forcing yourself not to be the best version of yourself until someone who deserves it comes along. I think that over the years, the best qualities and attributes you had to offer were forced to stay doormant for no apparent reason. So the melancholy, indifferent, or just uninterested attitude is what you're portraying a majority of the time to the 99% of people you're interacting with and around.

 

If we polled the people you work with and your friends to give an honest portrayal of you on a day to day basis as far as the mood you're in, approachability (I.e if a a stranger or person who works in the building your job is at who you cross paths with a lot but don't know), outlook day to day, etc... What do you think they would say?

 

And if I polled and just asked you to describe yourself when you turn on the "wow" factors and put your best foot forward.... How would you describe yourself ?

 

The point being that if everyone else views and has the impression that your just down or don't care, or aren't easy to talk to and carry on a conversation and don't go out of your way to converse and be friendly towards very many people .... Then that is who you are now unfortunately. The WOW side of you is sadly an act at this point because that's not how you are on a day to day basis. You're just showing the girl the potential you had/have to be an enjoyable person .... But if she went to your office, do you think anyone else there would be like "Oh yea ZA is such a great guy!! He's so nice to everyone at the office and never gets snarky of rude to us like some of the other employees in his position do... ".

 

(The office is just an example, I have no idea what you do or who you're around so just think of whether or not the people who know you would talk about you in a flattering manner or if they've never seen you so much) just that you can't have the personality light switch permanently in the off mode and then when someone comes along that you want to see, makes you flip it on.

 

Be the best ZA every day. It's not something you should hide and only show off. Start becoming the person you see yourself at your best as.

[ZA Dater]

Well then that begs the question.... Why aren't you trying to be the best you and the best version of yourself at ALL times regardless of any "wow" factors?? That is what you should be aiming towards. With your standards, highly specific and somewhat self limiting requirements that you look for, you are forcing yourself not to be the best version of yourself until someone who deserves it comes along. I think that over the years, the best qualities and attributes you had to offer were forced to stay doormant for no apparent reason. So the melancholy, indifferent, or just uninterested attitude is what you're portraying a majority of the time to the 99% of people you're interacting with and around.

 

If we polled the people you work with and your friends to give an honest portrayal of you on a day to day basis as far as the mood you're in, approachability (I.e if a a stranger or person who works in the building your job is at who you cross paths with a lot but don't know), outlook day to day, etc... What do you think they would say?

 

And if I polled and just asked you to describe yourself when you turn on the "wow" factors and put your best foot forward.... How would you describe yourself ?

 

The point being that if everyone else views and has the impression that your just down or don't care, or aren't easy to talk to and carry on a conversation and don't go out of your way to converse and be friendly towards very many people .... Then that is who you are now unfortunately. The WOW side of you is sadly an act at this point because that's not how you are on a day to day basis. You're just showing the girl the potential you had/have to be an enjoyable person .... But if she went to your office, do you think anyone else there would be like "Oh yea ZA is such a great guy!! He's so nice to everyone at the office and never gets snarky of rude to us like some of the other employees in his position do... ".

 

(The office is just an example, I have no idea what you do or who you're around so just think of whether or not the people who know you would talk about you in a flattering manner or if they've never seen you so much) just that you can't have the personality light switch permanently in the off mode and then when someone comes along that you want to see, makes you flip it on.

 

Be the best ZA every day. It's not something you should hide and only show off. Start becoming the person you see yourself at your best as.

 

Very sage observations here. In the office I am the confident, respected friendly guy who laughs and can take being laughed at, I am perhaps my least shy at the office, I speak freely to those around me, take an interest in them and there is actually quite a funny story whereby someone else a friend wanted to set me up with came to work here for a while, she saw a totally different side of me to any she had seen out of the office and I think she was surprised that the quiet reserved guy actually has quite a personality!

 

You are right I have no idea why I hid myself away for years, because what you say makes absolute sense, the reason I perhaps couldn't make the best impression is because I was like flipping between two different persona's, I did that mainly because I always felt the need to hold something back, call it shyness, call it fear, call it plain silly, it could any or all of those but maybe it was just because I was worried how people would see me.

 

Its actually quite funny because the last line was exactly what I thought when I woke up today, if this forum has taught me anything its that one can definitely succeed but its not about complaining its about acting and taking an experience and turning it into a better/good one. Sure, one can give up but I don't believe many people ever truly give up on anything, especially when it involves matter of the heart.

 

I really amazed myself yesterday, for once I didn't feel self conscious among strangers and I was calm and just had the confidence which I had been wanting to have for a long time. It made a massive difference and I feel like I can actually do things now.

 

Baby steps but I am feeling better, even this K issue isn't bothering me as much, that challenge is still very much on but in the mean time there is a lot to look at around me and perhaps I find someone else nice while looking around.

 

I guess the true test will be in 2 weeks again when we are both going to same event, in the past I have come across as awkward but this time I going to be simply friendly and confident. If I can carry confidence into that situation I will give myself a metaphorical pat on the back.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I know this has nothing really to do with the topic, but I found out that the guy who committed to massacre at the Oregon Community College a few days ago, investigators found a blog post he made, or a forum post, that he admitted he was 26 and had never had a girlfriend, even though he did not use that as a motive for the shooting, but man, this is becoming a major crisis

[StocksnBlondes]

Trust me the very best thing looks wise about K is her face, yes she looks stunning to me but she is on the curvy side, some would say on the wrong side.

 

I never really get to the spend time with them part but you know I got up this morning at 3am (cant sleep because this is sitting on my mind) worked out for an hour and then sat down and listed all the things I am good at and all the things I like.

 

Probably the frustrating thing is I don't really meet people, that's the route core I think of many of these issues. The real viable option for me at the moment, spend a few months working on me and then go out to bars, sit around and see what the scene is like.

 

For me WOW is attraction and she can be 5.9, 32d and blue eyes but if she cant speak well, doesn't have knowledge the level of interest is zero.

 

 

ZA ...look for people doing the things of which you're interested ...wine tasting, running, sailing camping etc etc you fill in the blanks. There is someone out there! Looking for you!!

 

Also ...have you considered dating someone a bit older than you? My ex didn't want to date someone his own age because of the intellect ...woman in their mid to late 30s are beautiful well rounded and can carry a great conversation.

 

Expand your dating pool.

[StocksnBlondes]

Good solid advice all of it.

 

Ultimately I need to realise this simple fact:

 

In order to attract someone, you need to wow them, just like I like being wowed they to would like to be wowed, be it in physical appearance or personality or a combination of both.

 

ZA this exactly ^^^^^

 

Girls do like to be wowed. Physical appearance is secondary for me and was with my ex hubby of 18 yrs (though I thought him very attractive). He pursued me with the stealth of a mountain lion. But he had a lot of stuff to back up that strong personality. He introduced me to his life which was very exciting ...he was very involved in his community and gave back ...we went to many social events together ...charity golf tournaments etc. He had hobbies that we did together that I also had as a hobby so that was a good match. But he wowed me with his proactive approach to life. He had built a great life and wanted to share it with someone special. Now go build the great life that will attract the girl you're looking for.

 

I will say that most girls I know like a guy who has passions and pursues those passions ...things you can share with a mate.

[ZA Dater]

The good news is getting up each day and saying the following out loud seems to be making a difference

: confidence

: determination

: positivity

: perseverance

: to win you need to compete.

 

 

Perhaps sounds corny here but every time I feel unsure of myself I repeat those key words.

 

 

Also have a very set work out routine which is going well, more new clothes have been bought and each day I pushing myself to do things I wouldn't normally, chatting to people at the till at shops, chatting to waitresses and the like.

 

 

The side effect of this is the new clothes make me feel good, being able to speak to people is giving me more confidence and working out is making me look better which is making me feel better.

 

 

Back on tinder and having some success so far, decided to take a leaf out of Qboro's book and explore my options, determined to win K over, who my friend describes as fat, ugly and a nerd but she is stunning to me, then again he and I differ, he is all about the looks I am all about the personality and some looks.

 

 

For other struggling, try motivate yourself each day and looks for every bit of good you can in each situation, its all like I did to see a defeat as the end of the world but in reality I was defeated because I WASNT COMPETING and wasn't presenting anything remotely likeable.

[ZA Dater]

ZA ...look for people doing the things of which you're interested ...wine tasting, running, sailing camping etc etc you fill in the blanks. There is someone out there! Looking for you!!

 

Also ...have you considered dating someone a bit older than you? My ex didn't want to date someone his own age because of the intellect ...woman in their mid to late 30s are beautiful well rounded and can carry a great conversation.

 

Expand your dating pool.

 

 

I don't really want older than me because as tough for a virgin to say but I would like kids someday and if I start out with someone 35+ that's not really going to be a reality for me.

 

 

My approach is to expand and date but ultimately I do want this one person and as pathetic as it sounds to most I think I can do this IF I present something ATTRACTIVE. Until now I have tended to give off negative vibes, I never realised it until it was pointed out by people here as well as a good friend of mine. The other problem is I have tended to be quite for want of a better word un attractive, very little muscle tone and nothing that could be described as "eye candy".

 

 

If someone else comes along who wows me great but for now I am going to build the best me, explore my options, motivate myself and ultimately be the person I want to be.

 

 

The other thing is I haven't really pursued this person to any degree, a e mail here and there isn't really showing much interest in terms of how one should pursue.

 

 

Lastly I don't ever give up!

[autumnnight]

I know this has nothing really to do with the topic, but I found out that the guy who committed to massacre at the Oregon Community College a few days ago, investigators found a blog post he made, or a forum post, that he admitted he was 26 and had never had a girlfriend, even though he did not use that as a motive for the shooting, but man, this is becoming a major crisis

 

A man not having a girlfriend is not a crisis. The way he choose to horribly cope with it is.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

A man not having a girlfriend is not a crisis. The way he choose to horribly cope with it is.

 

When I said crisis, I mean look at many forum posts online, there are a lot of guys well into their 20's and even 30's who have never had a girlfriend, must be a major problem for a lot of guys today

[JuneJulySeptember]

For other struggling, try motivate yourself each day and looks for every bit of good you can in each situation, its all like I did to see a defeat as the end of the world but in reality I was defeated because I WASNT COMPETING and wasn't presenting anything remotely likeable.

 

You think that's what love is?

 

Competing and driving yourself to be the most interesting, charismatic, educated, and liquid person, so that you can 'wow' somebody and chase them down like a jungle cat and beat off all the other suitors? Like an interview for a high paying job?

 

Well ... I won't disagree that it is like that to a large extent, but if that is true then why do you/me/we want it so much?

 

Oh, and BTW (to nobody in particular), why is it always, "He/she swept me off my feet because they had so much interesting sh@t going on that I knew they could make my life more exciting?"

 

How about, "You know, I could make this other person's life more exciting. Show them things they haven't seen. Take them skiing for the first time, take them out of the country. Take them snorkeling in Costa Rica."

Edited October 5, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[ZA Dater]

You think that's what love is?

 

Competing and driving yourself to be the most interesting, charismatic, educated, and liquid person, so that you can 'wow' somebody and chase them down like a jungle cat and beat off all the other suitors? Like an interview for a high paying job?

 

Well ... I won't disagree that it is like that to a large extent, but if that is true then why do you/me/we want it so much?

 

Oh, and BTW (to nobody in particular), why is it always, "He/she swept me off my feet because they had so much interesting sh@t going on that I knew they could make my life more exciting?"

 

How about, "You know, I could make this other person's life more exciting. Show them things they haven't seen. Take them skiing for the first time, take them out of the country. Take them snorkeling in Costa Rica."

 

Well in the last few days I have been told the following

: She has an ass the size of Kansas, you don't want that

: She is a nerd

: You can do much better, look at that hot chick over there.

 

Point her being I think to truly like someone you need to feel something towards them you need to feel some butterflies and I think as a guy you need to actually build yourself up to something that does give butterflies. Yes, I have met up with more physically attractive people but what people don't seem to understand is none gave me butterflies like this person does.

 

Doing this whole self improvement thing is making me more confident, making me looking better so the improvements are for me but also because I want to try and wow her the way she does me. Yes, I agree its about what I can offer which someone else cant, unfortunately for years I missed this point and have only woken up to it as of last week.

 

As to why we want this. For me its that butterfly feeling, each and every time I see her I get that same feeling, there is a huge personality attraction which NOBODY seems to understand.

 

Love, well I wouldn't know what that is, I haven't really felt particularly loved at any point so far in my life but if I'd guess what it is, its an intense attraction and joy.

 

Who knows what her new bf is offering but whatever it is, I need to offer more. That's the bottom line.

[circlesinfinity]

I don't think words can really convey how absolutely horrid I feel at the moment.

 

Some of you may know I have been chasing an ideal, someone I really liked for who she was rather than how she looked, I initially had her tacitly agree to go to an event as my friend.

 

Followed this up today with a mutual friend and apparently she know has a bf and is "smitten" this after she went onto Tinder.

 

I don't expect anyone here to understand but I once again never got an opportunity to show her how good I can be. Once again I got passed aside like a piece of dirt, my own friends couldn't be honest with me, my own friends did nothing to try and sell me to her, they are her friends too.

 

I tried, I tried to be better, I spent a fortune on clothes, I stomached a hairstyle I don't even like, all this because the same friends said I should do this.

 

In the 14 odd years I have been trying to find a gf all I have got is a kick in the teeth and as I get older it becomes more and more hurtful and today just seems to be the culmination of years of hurtful kicks in the teeth.

 

Nothing I do is ever good enough, I never look good enough, maybe I never say the right things, being kind counts for nothing, treating people nicely counts for nothing, taking an interest in then counts for nothing.

 

All I want right now is someone to simply hug me and tell me its going to be ok because I don't feel ok, I feel like dirt, someone so unattractive they don't even warrant a second look never mind a chance, my own friends lulled me into a belief I may have a chance with her but at the same time did nothing to really help me besides spin me false hope and get me to spend money on clothes I don't even like.

 

I just feel like garbage, a pawn, an amusement to some that I cant even find anyone to go out with me, nobody decent, my friend tries to set me up with people I cant ever hope to attract but the one I like most he does nothing to help me at all.

 

Frankly all I am is a sad 31yo looser with no prospects at all, a guy who likes what he cant ever hope to have.

 

Thanks for listening, once again if you have someone special, tell them they are special, treat them like the special person they are to you. Take nothing for granted and enjoy each moment with them. If they wow you enjoy each moment, its a special feeling.

 

Sadly nothing I have to give will ever get me the amazing feeling.

Oh so sorry you had to go through this...I haven't even got this far with a man as you have with her.

 

You are special, *virtual hug*, it will be ok. I know when you're really interested in someone you can't see red flags. Red flags meaning someone better is out there for you. I wish you nothing but the best in the future.

[ZA Dater]

Oh so sorry you had to go through this...I haven't even got this far with a man as you have with her.

 

You are special, *virtual hug*, it will be ok. I know when you're really interested in someone you can't see red flags. Red flags meaning someone better is out there for you. I wish you nothing but the best in the future.

 

Thanks, I think perhaps the biggest red flag here was actually me and my mind set when I tried to date her.

 

Overthinking is a terrible thing and sitting today I actually came to a realisation, I can improve and improve for me and if that still isn't enough for her then that's fine I just want an opportunity.

 

If after all is said and done its still "no" then I know I have done all I could and I can move on to none dating related activities.

 

People say I am mad but if this doesn't pan out then I can sleep safe in the knowledge I tried to date and move onto other aspects of life and leave dating firmly behind.

[Toodaloo]

determined to win K over, who my friend describes as fat, ugly and a nerd but she is stunning to me, then again he and I differ, he is all about the looks I am all about the personality and some looks

 

Your friends are trying to help you get over this fantasy you have about her. They are trying to help you see reality...

 

Listen to them

 

I would like kids someday and if I start out with someone 35+ that's not really going to be a reality for me.

 

Thanks. I'll just go slit my throat. Clearly I am too old...

 

Seriously ZA there are *coughs* older women out there who are perfectly capable. many don't start these days until they are nearly or just above 40... While granted there are not many who like myself have never been married and not had kids we are out there and some of us are just simply, blooming gorgeous.

[ZA Dater]

Your friends are trying to help you get over this fantasy you have about her. They are trying to help you see reality...

 

Listen to them

 

 

 

Thanks. I'll just go slit my throat. Clearly I am too old...

 

Seriously ZA there are *coughs* older women out there who are perfectly capable. many don't start these days until they are nearly or just above 40... While granted there are not many who like myself have never been married and not had kids we are out there and some of us are just simply, blooming gorgeous.

 

Its fine to be honest, if I can one day be the guy she wants to date then great if not then so be it, I am not giving up on that idea.

 

The reality is even my friends admit she has an exceptional personality. Her looks can be questioned, her personality not.

 

Spent most of the last two or so weeks working 13-13 hour days and you know I don't think about dating then, maybe that's the solution to all of this. When I feel down, I pick up some weights and work out.

 

With respect older doesn't interest me at all, statistically having kids passed the age of 34 isn't the best of ideas, the risk of down syndrome increases substantially.

 

The lack of interest also centres on the level of baggage I have come across when I have met up with older people.

 

It is what it is, I have my solitary interests, I have my work, I have the novel I am writing and in my mind I can create any sort of life I want, even if the reality of each day bares no resemblance to it.

 

FYI: I went on Tinder, found a nice match, started chatting and was blocked within a day this happened with 3 people in the last week.

[ZA Dater]

My strategy remains the same, win over the one I do like, see if conscious self improvement will improve my odds at all.

 

I am pretty much resigned to the fact I wont be able to get that tall, athletic female who just wows with personality I always wanted but if I cant get that I want one who is more curvy but she needs to have an astonishing personality and be clever and the very least have a pretty face.

 

If I cant find any of that then so be it, I'll just keep devoting my life to being the most selfless person around. Perhaps I should stick to things I can do well in the hope that achieving at any of those things may exactly impress someone enough to warrant them to actually give me some attention.

[Qboro90]

My strategy remains the same, win over the one I do like, see if conscious self improvement will improve my odds at all.

 

I am pretty much resigned to the fact I wont be able to get that tall, athletic female who just wows with personality I always wanted but if I cant get that I want one who is more curvy but she needs to have an astonishing personality and be clever and the very least have a pretty face.

 

If I cant find any of that then so be it, I'll just keep devoting my life to being the most selfless person around. Perhaps I should stick to things I can do well in the hope that achieving at any of those things may exactly impress someone enough to warrant them to actually give me some attention.

 

 

 

Perhaps it might help if you started posting the actual interaction and conversation details you are having with the women you pursue or are matched with. That will give people a better understanding to what you are doing, what you're saying and in all likelihood will reveal things that you can do differently or word differently in order to be more successfull.