Thanks everyone, I am done.

[ZA Dater]

From today I just exist and go through the motions of life. Live with disappointment. Live with the fact I look like shrek. Live with the fact there is absolutely no positive at all. Nothing. Oh and live with the fact I an just a pathetic looser.

[Rejected Rosebud]

All I want right now is someone to simply hug me and tell me its going to be ok because I don't feel ok

.

:( I would hug you and I CAN tell you that everything will be okay even though you feel like it can't right now.

 

Look, you can't MAKE somebody like you in a romantic or sexual way, it was brave of you to try but because it didn't work it doesn't make you a worthless piece of dirt or any of those bad things you called yourself. You might be the BEST person in the world and that still won't make somebody feel that way about you. I'm sure you know some great girls who you don't feel romantically towards??

 

Anyway I am really truly sorry you feel so bad, take some time to lick your wounds and then look around for another girl to ask out! And have your hair the way YOU like it!!

[Michelle ma Belle]

Okay, I've heard enough.

 

I was going to offer you a virtual hug since we've all been here at one point or another. We've all felt rejected by someone we were convinced was the one.

 

You're speaking out of hurt right now and you're blinded by pain and disappointment to truly understand what's being said on here. And that's okay. It feels like sh*t and it's too easy to turn the anger and hatred on ourselves and label ourselves unlovable, unlucky, unattractive, undesirable, unwanted...that's only half the story and not a very accurate one I'm sure.

 

I don't know you, I don't know how you interact with people or women but speaking as a woman, desperation is a very unattractive quality and can be smelled a mile away. You may not think you're coming off desperate but it might be the very thing that's repelling women more than anything else. That and having a negative attitude about the whole dating process. Just my two cents.

 

Take whatever time you need to heal from this heartbreak but don't give up just yet. I'm inclined to suggest you help yourself by starting a gratitude journal. This may sound a bit woo-woo for some people but I think it will work wonders for you and where you are right now.

 

Take 5 minutes every night before bed and list out just 3 things you're grateful for that day. It could be as simple like your hair stayed in place when you brushed it this morning, you found a dollar on the sidewalk or you managed a glorious bowel movement and feel like you lost 10 lbs Whatever!

 

After some time doing this ritual you'll notice a shift in your thinking for the better. I swear by this process as I've done it for years. It has helped me rise above some horrible moments in my life including deep depression.

 

Good luck to you.

[ZA Dater]

Okay, I've heard enough.

 

I was going to offer you a virtual hug since we've all been here at one point or another. We've all felt rejected by someone we were convinced was the one.

 

You're speaking out of hurt right now and you're blinded by pain and disappointment to truly understand what's being said on here. And that's okay. It feels like sh*t and it's too easy to turn the anger and hatred on ourselves and label ourselves unlovable, unlucky, unattractive, undesirable, unwanted...that's only half the story and not a very accurate one I'm sure.

 

I don't know you, I don't know how you interact with people or women but speaking as a woman, desperation is a very unattractive quality and can be smelled a mile away. You may not think you're coming off desperate but it might be the very thing that's repelling women more than anything else. That and having a negative attitude about the whole dating process. Just my two cents.

 

Take whatever time you need to heal from this heartbreak but don't give up just yet. I'm inclined to suggest you help yourself by starting a gratitude journal. This may sound a bit woo-woo for some people but I think it will work wonders for you and where you are right now.

 

Take 5 minutes every night before bed and list out just 3 things you're grateful for that day. It could be as simple like your hair stayed in place when you brushed it this morning, you found a dollar on the sidewalk or you managed a glorious bowel movement and feel like you lost 10 lbs Whatever!

 

After some time doing this ritual you'll notice a shift in your thinking for the better. I swear by this process as I've done it for years. It has helped me rise above some horrible moments in my life including deep depression.

 

Good luck to you.

 

No all this did, was just make me realise how truly worthless and unattractive I am, fifteen people aren't wrong, the fact nobody I have ever liked had liked me tells me all I need to know and when you end up getting tossed aside by someone you have a lot in common with, in fact I am clearly so bad I am not even worth having as a friend.

 

You tell me how you deal with NEVER having anyone you like, like you and then you tell me how to not be desperate when EVERYONE around you has had SOME success and all you have had is failure and rejection.

 

What turns women off is quite simply I am just not hot enough, its telling the only people interested in me are overly large people or people who themselves are deemed to be severely unattractive, that just ruins my self esteem, we all are supposed to believe we are attractive and special, I don't anymore, I am just ugly and worth nothing, this belief being supported by the aforementioned NO success at all, NONE, absolutely NOTHING.

 

As for grateful, the only things I am grateful for is I can move around, do what I want, buy myself what I want within reason, live in a nice city and maybe I can help the odd random person out from time to time.

 

Other than that there is truly nothing in my life, absolutely nothing. I go out, help my friends, be there for them but as this just proves, all I am to them is just some caricature, an oddity who at 31 hasn't been laid or had a date, someone they can say "oh go get clothes, will make you hot" "oh grow your hair and chicks like that" "oh go to this club and talk to people".

 

Between them, they can sell ice to a polar bear but apparently I am not worth selling to anyone. They can see how hard I battle and how hard I try but do nothing of substance to help me.

[ZA Dater]

Okay, I've heard enough.

 

I was going to offer you a virtual hug since we've all been here at one point or another. We've all felt rejected by someone we were convinced was the one.

 

You're speaking out of hurt right now and you're blinded by pain and disappointment to truly understand what's being said on here. And that's okay. It feels like sh*t and it's too easy to turn the anger and hatred on ourselves and label ourselves unlovable, unlucky, unattractive, undesirable, unwanted...that's only half the story and not a very accurate one I'm sure.

 

I don't know you, I don't know how you interact with people or women but speaking as a woman, desperation is a very unattractive quality and can be smelled a mile away. You may not think you're coming off desperate but it might be the very thing that's repelling women more than anything else. That and having a negative attitude about the whole dating process. Just my two cents.

 

Take whatever time you need to heal from this heartbreak but don't give up just yet. I'm inclined to suggest you help yourself by starting a gratitude journal. This may sound a bit woo-woo for some people but I think it will work wonders for you and where you are right now.

 

Take 5 minutes every night before bed and list out just 3 things you're grateful for that day. It could be as simple like your hair stayed in place when you brushed it this morning, you found a dollar on the sidewalk or you managed a glorious bowel movement and feel like you lost 10 lbs Whatever!

 

After some time doing this ritual you'll notice a shift in your thinking for the better. I swear by this process as I've done it for years. It has helped me rise above some horrible moments in my life including deep depression.

 

Good luck to you.

 

If you can tell me how to have a positive attitude about something that's only brought negativity and disappointment I may be inclined to send you a maple leaf in the post.

[scorpiogirl]

No all this did, was just make me realise how truly worthless and unattractive I am, fifteen people aren't wrong, the fact nobody I have ever liked had liked me tells me all I need to know and when you end up getting tossed aside by someone you have a lot in common with, in fact I am clearly so bad I am not even worth having as a friend.

 

You tell me how you deal with NEVER having anyone you like, like you and then you tell me how to not be desperate when EVERYONE around you has had SOME success and all you have had is failure and rejection.

 

What turns women off is quite simply I am just not hot enough, its telling the only people interested in me are overly large people or people who themselves are deemed to be severely unattractive, that just ruins my self esteem, we all are supposed to believe we are attractive and special, I don't anymore, I am just ugly and worth nothing, this belief being supported by the aforementioned NO success at all, NONE, absolutely NOTHING.

 

As for grateful, the only things I am grateful for is I can move around, do what I want, buy myself what I want within reason, live in a nice city and maybe I can help the odd random person out from time to time.

 

Other than that there is truly nothing in my life, absolutely nothing. I go out, help my friends, be there for them but as this just proves, all I am to them is just some caricature, an oddity who at 31 hasn't been laid or had a date, someone they can say "oh go get clothes, will make you hot" "oh grow your hair and chicks like that" "oh go to this club and talk to people".

 

Between them, they can sell ice to a polar bear but apparently I am not worth selling to anyone. They can see how hard I battle and how hard I try but do nothing of substance to help me.

 

You're all about self pity and don't really want any helpful suggestions.

Fifteen people? Are you kidding me? Fifteen people not thinking you're date material is nothing.

 

Your problem is that you feel entitled to a relationship with someone that you want to date. You keep harping about this one woman. Move on. We've all had to move on from a person we thought there might be a future with.

 

Also your friends are not obliged to fix your romantic life. What on earth makes you think that??

Wallow in your misery if you will but know that no self respecting woman is going to want to date someone with this " woe is me" attitude.

 

Stop with this nonsense about this woman who is clearly not interested in you. If you have nothing good in your life then that's on you. You're rejecting all suggestions here that could put you on the path to a full life. You're ensuring that nobody will find this empty shell of a man attractive.

[HeartDesires]

Your negative thoughts have created your reality.....

[ZA Dater]

You're all about self pity and don't really want any helpful suggestions.

Fifteen people? Are you kidding me? Fifteen people not thinking you're date material is nothing.

 

Your problem is that you feel entitled to a relationship with someone that you want to date. You keep harping about this one woman. Move on. We've all had to move on from a person we thought there might be a future with.

 

Also your friends are not obliged to fix your romantic life. What on earth makes you think that??

Wallow in your misery if you will but know that no self respecting woman is going to want to date someone with this " woe is me" attitude.

 

Stop with this nonsense about this woman who is clearly not interested in you. If you have nothing good in your life then that's on you. You're rejecting all suggestions here that could put you on the path to a full life. You're ensuring that nobody will find this empty shell of a man attractive.[/QUOTE]

 

No I felt entitled to an opportunity to be a friend. I really couldn't care who wants to and doesn't want to date me, irrespective of what I do, how I dress, how I present myself I am still nothing but a boring misfit who simply attracts nobody, that's the reality of it.

 

People learnt how to deal with dating in HS, I decided to study instead, people enjoyed fun in the their 20's, I studied instead and sacrificed everything for something I didn't end up achieving, you try and live with that and now get to your 30's and find you are actually not only vilely unattractive to the people you like but you also DONT know how to attract anyone you do like and to boot every experience was a negative one when you really put your heart on your sleeve, went out and tried and got rejected anyway.

 

When you can say that, then you can say you have walked a foot in my shoes.

 

As for advice, sure, its advice but it doesn't take into account my experiences until now, it doesn't take into account I am just plain ugly in every respect, apparently its possible to be ugly and slim.

 

I always maintain to people here, you need to try, you need to use positive experiences to drive you forward and motivate you, that impossible when not one experience has been positive and where things have looked promising I couldn't even do anything there either.

 

As for my supposed friends, its never an issue for them to try and set me up with the most unsuitable people but when they see I clearly like someone they sit by and don't even make one attempt to set me up with the person. Just another indication of the my level of self worth, they'd rather set me up to totally fail than to set me up to totally make it.

 

Being rejected hurts but the paragraph above hurts equally badly but what hurts the most is realising I am just worthless, even as a friend.

[ZA Dater]

Your negative thoughts have created your reality.....

 

Thanks for that, all positive thoughts do is create false hope for which there is no objective measure. I thought I could actually date this person but reality was, I may as well have been a homeless guy such was my apparently level of attraction to her.

[HeartDesires]

Okay okay.....you know best

[regine_phalange]

What turns women off is quite simply I am just not hot enough, its telling the only people interested in me are overly large people or people who themselves are deemed to be severely unattractive, that just ruins my self esteem, we all are supposed to believe we are attractive and special, I don't anymore, I am just ugly and worth nothing, this belief being supported by the aforementioned NO success at all, NONE, absolutely NOTHING.

 

If you are not "hot" then live with it and let something else be your charm (not something FAKE, something you do have). No, we are not all supposed to believe we are attractive and special to everyone, or only to hot people. Sometimes we accept that our appearance or our social skills aren't our forte and just develop other areas on ourselves.

 

I'm not "hot" either, and I'm a woman, and by tradition women are the ones who are supposed to be hot, not men. But I don't feel depressed when someone who doesn't fulfil my physical ideal is interested in me. If he's graceful I'll be flattered. It's human interest you know, and it's as worthy as the interest from a "hot" person.

 

And you know something else, even the less attractive woman I know (obese, balding, rude, designing) has an admirer. And she rejected him. There are men who have it worse than you. At least you have some women interested in you.

[ZA Dater]

If you are not "hot" then live with it and let something else be your charm (not something FAKE, something you do have). No, we are not all supposed to believe we are attractive and special to everyone, or only to hot people. Sometimes we accept that our appearance or our social skills aren't our forte and just develop other areas on ourselves.

 

I'm not "hot" either, and I'm a woman, and by tradition women are the ones who are supposed to be hot, not men. But I don't feel depressed when someone who doesn't fulfil my physical ideal is interested in me. If he's graceful I'll be flattered. It's human interest you know, and it's as worthy as the interest from a "hot" person.

 

And you know something else, even the less attractive woman I know (obese, balding, rude, designing) has an admirer. And she rejected him. There are men who have it worse than you. At least you have some women interested in you.

 

Actually nobody is interested in me at all, absolutely nobody, that's exactly the problem.

 

Nothing I have (general knowledge, kindness, generosity) is appealing to anyone, everything I may have that is good is offset by being a total misfit.

[scorpiogirl]

You're all about self pity and don't really want any helpful suggestions.

Fifteen people? Are you kidding me? Fifteen people not thinking you're date material is nothing.

 

Your problem is that you feel entitled to a relationship with someone that you want to date. You keep harping about this one woman. Move on. We've all had to move on from a person we thought there might be a future with.

 

Also your friends are not obliged to fix your romantic life. What on earth makes you think that??

Wallow in your misery if you will but know that no self respecting woman is going to want to date someone with this " woe is me" attitude.

 

Stop with this nonsense about this woman who is clearly not interested in you. If you have nothing good in your life then that's on you. You're rejecting all suggestions here that could put you on the path to a full life. You're ensuring that nobody will find this empty shell of a man attractive.[/QUOTE]

 

No I felt entitled to an opportunity to be a friend. I really couldn't care who wants to and doesn't want to date me, irrespective of what I do, how I dress, how I present myself I am still nothing but a boring misfit who simply attracts nobody, that's the reality of it.

 

People learnt how to deal with dating in HS, I decided to study instead, people enjoyed fun in the their 20's, I studied instead and sacrificed everything for something I didn't end up achieving, you try and live with that and now get to your 30's and find you are actually not only vilely unattractive to the people you like but you also DONT know how to attract anyone you do like and to boot every experience was a negative one when you really put your heart on your sleeve, went out and tried and got rejected anyway.

 

When you can say that, then you can say you have walked a foot in my shoes.

 

As for advice, sure, its advice but it doesn't take into account my experiences until now, it doesn't take into account I am just plain ugly in every respect, apparently its possible to be ugly and slim.

 

I always maintain to people here, you need to try, you need to use positive experiences to drive you forward and motivate you, that impossible when not one experience has been positive and where things have looked promising I couldn't even do anything there either.

 

As for my supposed friends, its never an issue for them to try and set me up with the most unsuitable people but when they see I clearly like someone they sit by and don't even make one attempt to set me up with the person. Just another indication of the my level of self worth, they'd rather set me up to totally fail than to set me up to totally make it.

 

Being rejected hurts but the paragraph above hurts equally badly but what hurts the most is realising I am just worthless, even as a friend.

 

Again with your studies. Who hasn't studied? So you're not satisfied in your personal life, nor it seems in your work life. That's your doing.

You don't have the monopoly on sucky life events. I had my first date when I was 25. I studied too. I had no experience with men. I'm introverted.

 

None of my friends set me up with anyone. It wasn't something I required. I've waded my way through heartbreak, betrayal, unrequited love. But I tried. I left South Africa and now live in Asia where the locals have no qualms about calling me unattractive. So freaking what??! I'm not their cup of tea but I'll be damned if I sit in a corner and lick my wounds.

 

I will tell you that I am usually the most popular and sought after in my profession here because despite the fact that they don't think I'm "hot", I'm damn good at my job, which requires a friendly disposition, an outgoing persona ( that I fake so well that nobody knows what an introvert I really am), a personality that's not all me me me.

 

As for being "ugly and slim", excuse you. You don't want fat women, but people are supposed to want you and your self-pity? I'm not slim and I'm beautiful. That kind of statement makes you ugly on the inside. A fat girl like me wouldn't even look at you twice.

 

You're right, you're dull. And that's on you.

[regine_phalange]

Actually nobody is interested in me at all, absolutely nobody, that's exactly the problem.

 

Nothing I have (general knowledge, kindness, generosity) is appealing to anyone, everything I may have that is good is offset by being a total misfit.

 

But you said that overweight and unattractive women have been interested in you before. It seems that right now you're trying to find reasons to justify your feelings of inadequacy. Stop blaming yourself and your friends, take a deep breath, accept things as they are for now. Gather your dignity (don't allow other people to set you up with women), gather some mystery (even though you're desperate -which is valid- don't show it) and you'll be fine. You're only in your 30s.

[Qboro90]

i typically offer a straight forward approach when replying to posts on this forum so I'll continue that with you as I've done before. At this point you should be able to cope and navigate life's obstacles without having to be babied.

 

You're out to prove to everyone that you're right and we're all wrong in the thought that you're a hideous loser who will forever be alone. It's a bit odd that you so vehemently berate yourself and break down every attempt to lift your heart and spirits.

 

First off, have you even spoken to Miss Perfect? Or are you just relying on your mutual friend regarding the information she has a BF? You obviously wanted the opportunity for a romantic relationship with her but your also stated that you would've been happy just having her as a friend. It's very possible that she still expects you're taking her to that black tie gala which you invited her to and she accepted. Friendship still available. She probably already thinks of you as a friend but you don't have the social awareness or candor that could develop it to be more personal. If you haven't spoken to her and weren't even curious enough to reach out and talk to her on your own then that says a lot about what kind of person you are and how easily you give up and accept defeat. Could've called and given her details about the gala and when you'd pick her up. She probably thinks your harmless enough and would've still went where you 1. Could've found out more about the guy she's dating 2. What she liked about him, what he does for a living, and what they did together before becoming a couple in order to gain insight into what she is "woo'd" by and attracted to in the event she becomes single down the road (odds are she will). But you have up.

 

15 girls didn't like you... That's insane to be so melancholy about man. 15? Plus in previous posts I recall you saying you went on over 20 dates in a year span so is it just 15 girls that you have been interested in who haven't reciprocated that sentiment? Either way it actually makes no difference. You could've said that 100 girls and women have denied you or not felt the same way about you. I've been turned down by countless woman through my life, literally countless. It has nothing to do with having at least 1 girl like you in order to motivate you to deal with rejection. Being turned down or having a girl not feel the same way you feel hurts no doubt, but you can let it hurt for 5 minutes like most men, or 5 years thereby self imposing you're own limitations and misery. You could walk up to a woman outside a mall store and introduce yourself, small talk and ask for her number, then if she says no... You politely part ways and your first thought could be "damn that sucks, she was cute.... Arite I'm starving , food court time".

 

Now also your previous posts were listing your steps to improving your outward appearance and how you carried yourself with more confidence and style. How you could better the areas of your life that you wanted to and finally appreciating and utilizing the help from your friends by seeing it as how much they care about you instead of that they pity you.

 

Now look at yourself. Your "makeover" began with your post on September 3rd. It's September 29th. Congratulations! You literally gave your "new attitude and lifestyle" approach 26 days to achieve results. Less than a month and you're burning the towel before throwing it in. That's not only childish and immature but incredibly unrealistic or achievable. Not to mention that your previous post had you saying you had went on a a date, the girl wasn't exactly compatible for you but you were happy in noticing that your confidence was raised and carried yourself much more relaxed which led to less overthinking and a more enjoyable atmosphere for both of you.

 

You like using examples such as "selling your attributes" and "intellectual compatibility" so why can't you use your head and see that if you were getting positive results from the changes you'd been making, had an overall more positive and hopeful outlook in general, and others were noticing that you weren't as glum.... That just maybeeeee you should stick with it and truly commit to that because all signs pointed to a better lifestyle.

 

Then 1 freaking girl gets a boyfriend and you're on the edge of the cliff shouting "I give up forever, I'm shrek!"... Dude, lay off the drama for goodness sake.

 

You're not a victim. There are people who have real depression and issues in their lives.... With good reason. People who's spouses have cheated on them after 10 years of marriage, people who are fighting to work 2 jobs or find work in order to feed their 3 kids, soldiers who come home without limbs and PTSD, women who have had physically abusive boyfriends, men who find out their fiancée is having an affair a month before the wedding. Those are actual problems. Not getting laid and being single at 31 is a problem I bet many would opt to trade with you.

[Qboro90]

^ I say that because you look at life and dating horrifically. Why don't you step back and see that 1. You're healthy, something most take for granted 2. You have a place to live and a career where you can make a descent well respected living for a long time and support a family if you ever had one. Again, something that so many are without. 3. You have friends that actually care enough to try and go out of their way to help you socialize, meet people, do things, and improve yourself. And I can only imagine how absolutely sick and tired they must be of hearing your woe is me pessimistic outlook and self deprication. I've seen people here tell you they can't stand it anymore so your friends must be incredibly patient and good people. So you've got a support system who prove they care about you which is something most people don't have.

 

Yet you have the balls to actually criticize them in your OP?! Your mad because a girl you had a crush on got a new boyfriend and no one told you fast enough?! I mean cmon, can you see the pattern here? And the craziest thing is that you actually have the capability and opportunities that you're whining about?! You DO get to go on dates with women! You do interact and have women agree to go out with you. You do have women who would've gone on a 2nd date with you if you had asked. You're mad because Miss Perfect gave the same chance to you, that you give to the women you deem sub par because they didn't "wow" you or lacked this or lacked that.

 

Heck you've even turned down model quality girls because they didn't know the meaning of a single word!! Any sane person would see the sheer ridiculousness of that. You claim to be educated and posses a vast general knowledge of the world and current events, etc. So why couldn't you see that just because model girl didn't know a word, doesn't mean that it's not a great idea to get to know her and try get her to like you... Even as just a friend. Because hot girls, hang around..... Other hot girls.... Could've gotten into that social circle but you cast her away in a second.

 

You claim to want an incredibly specific type of intellectual woman that likes the same things as you and is able to converse in a certain way you find necessary for her to be appealing. Yet you will only consider dating between the ages of 24-31....Form negative perception of anyone older than you because of the stereotypes you've heard or encountered. Made it clear that you would never approach a woman on the street or randomly in person, visit a bar or club because you hate societies conformity associated with them... And because it's too loud.... Rejected the women your friends try and set you up with, and go back and forth with Online Dating, using various sites and unusual techniques towards the way you describe yourself and what you're looking for.

 

You disagree or have anything to add with above behavior?

 

Your general expectations and standards for who you date, and what is talked about on that date is warped. You're stubbornness to digress your talk track and approach is obvious to all others as to why your results never change. You've never given women the chance to change your opinion of them by going on a 2nd date.... Yet you have the audacity to feel bitterness and resentment towards Miss Perfect who by your own admission, went to multiple events with you and allowed you various opportunities to win her over. She simply didn't like you that way. So what. And then when you decide you're going to take people's advice and help, she agrees to once again accompany you to an event, but you threw a tantrum saying you unfairly were never given a good chance to "sell yourself"

 

You've sold yourself to her many times. She wasn't buying because the product didn't interest her. Either try a different customer or change your sales approach.

 

And finally... You admit you willing fully did not participate in conventional social activity and growth during your high school and college years because you were more interested and determined to focus on your education and future career. So while you say that you've failed at dating for 15 years, that's not true. You only started to develop socially once you graduated college and got the job you wanted. So you're actually still a teenager in terms of where you should be socially and sexually despite being 31. And if you're still a teenager in that area then it's completely normal and expected to be a virgin and acting awkward and nervous around girls.

 

I wrote a lot so my apologies, I just can't help but feel irked when I read your posts because it's something you have complete ability to control and mold yet you choose a route that makes all who read it roll their eyes.

[ZA Dater]

Qboro, I have no idea where you are from but should I ever find myself in that particular place, Id be happy to buy you a drink.

 

You seemingly know me better than I know myself which is an achievement of note.

 

The model, firstly I wasn't here type from either an attraction point of view or an intellectual point of view. Whether she has friends is immaterial because I just cant cut it in that sort of social environment, I have tried, I feel awkward and shy and I cant really get into the conversation as I cant relate to what is being discussed.

 

You touch on something interesting and here is why I am why I am, I try so hard to find an uplifting experience, K was very much that, intellectually I was just stimulated, A on Friday wasn't that, my mind just switched off.

 

As for if K actually has a bf I have no idea but seeing as the person who told me is my friend and her friend and her boss I am likely to believe it is true, how long it will last I have no idea.

 

All I really wanted was a one on one date, sure we went to events but I never knew how to follow those up, its just I simply don't know, I do what I think it right and then find it isn't, which saps more self confidence.

 

I still believe in a one of one scenario I can win her over but clearly that opportunity isn't going to come my way.

 

Regrettably my own self worth is inextricably linked to my achievements or lack thereof, its fine being single, its crap being single all the time, going to events alone, all the time, doing things alone, all the time. Sure I see friends sometimes but I am starting to feel they only see me because they pity my pathetic situation.

 

I have tried, I have given people chances which I myself am not given, I have seen OLD people more than once but it was obvious to me that we were not compatible. With K its not obvious as to why I am not to her liking, the obvious thing is I am too ugly, that's about the only thing I can think of.

 

The other thing is I get no FEMALE attention at all, none.

 

Honestly I just cant anymore, I am not someone who gives up but there is literally no prospect at all for success so for my own good I just cannot continue on this road where I get is rejected. No amount of expensive clothes and haircuts are going to magically make me more attractive because I just don't know how to deal with ladies, I don't know how to interact with them and clearly everything I do is totally wrong.

 

My improvement plan was an idea to try and appeal to this person, yes I was warned against doing that, I took the bet and as usual lost. I go out and there is just nothing that grabs me at all, the people I run into are just copies of each other, they do the same things go the roughly same places, seemingly like the same guys, the people I find attractive like K don't conform to this, they do other things, wear individuality on their sleeve and the attraction was I could finally have someone to do things with, even as a friend would have been ok, alas I wasn't seem as being good enough for that.

 

Few things I value more than honesty, if someone thinks I am ugly, tell me, if they think I dress badly, tell me. But to lead me along the lines of "well chicks love long hair", "chicks like tight pants" , "that chick in the coffee shop is perfect", all this is based on superficial but attraction for me is a combination but its slanted more towards personality.

 

Every time I saw K I knew I could actually think and use my intellect and she would get me, instead of me bringing it out with someone else and having her look at me like I was mad, or not understanding what I am saying because they don't understand the English I use.

 

That may seem trivial and maybe it is but its not trivial to me. The bottom line is I have spent years and years working, being the best person I think I can be but then I get kicked in the teeth for no apparent reason at all.

 

I really don't know what people want or what people expect, I am totally clueless.

 

You also need to understand each time I get rejected it just takes more out of me because I don't know what I did wrong I am even more hesistent the next time an opportunity presents itself. Initially I didn't wanT to even try with K because I knew I would probably be ultimately disappointed but a friend encouraged me, his wife encouraged me (K works with her) and I decided to do the best I could and what happened, I got rejected again. The fact within 5 minutes I knew this was a personality I really liked just added some motivation.

 

Basically I realise now what I am, when I couldn't even get it to work with someone whom I share lots in common, not to mention common interests then I am afraid this whole thing is a pointless exercise.

 

When I tell my mutual friends how much I liker her and it takes them weeks to tell me she actually has a bf then I question how good those friends are.

[Moy]

I don't mean to be insensitive but the harsh truth is if you can't figure out a way to toughen yourself up then you're right, probably no woman will ever be interested. You cannot break down to this point just because one woman rejected you and expect respect from a woman. =/ It just ain't gonna happen. And without respect there can be no love.

 

At the end of the day it's not your friends responsibility, or her's for passing you over, it's yours for not getting yourself together and getting noticed. If you really want that special feeling then get to work on that.

 

This. I've completely taken myself away from even attempting to date. Almost three years of constant rejection on dating sites has taken its toll on my self esteem. After a while you realise that there is nothing to gain from metaphorically reducing yourself to a fly repeatedly bashing against a window. I'm now looking to simply better myself and enjoy life as I did when I was younger "before girlfriends came along."

 

The thing is, I'm not working on improving myself with the aim of catching somebody's eye, I'm doing it purely for the increased self-esteem that comes with knowing that I am simply bettering myself. I'm in my 40s now, so chances of meeting anybody are going to be rare and then some, but who needs to measure self worth based on if they dating or not?

 

Gaius speaks truth.

[todreaminblue]

From today I just exist and go through the motions of life. Live with disappointment. Live with the fact I look like shrek. Live with the fact there is absolutely no positive at all. Nothing. Oh and live with the fact I an just a pathetic looser.

 

every shrek has their fiona.......you havent found your fiona yet.....ok that was cheesy...but i happen to love shrek......no i am not fiona....she is better looking....for a cartoon..;0)...

 

look za you said something interesting a couple of posts back...you said the

extremely few girls you find attractive..

....do you feel maybe that you are closing doors or not even trying doors due to having high expectations...

 

what is it you look for in a female companion that you find attractive.....that you find it so rare....that you are attracted.

 

i actually find it rare to be attracted to a guy.......but i accept that is the way i am ....and i have had serious relationships.....so what si it za that keeps you from being interested or what interests you to want to date them.

 

i dont really want to talk about how its over for you i understand you feel that way and i validate your feelings and respect how you feel at the moment...not gonna argue with you...and tell you that you are wrong to feel the way you do..... but now i would please like the answers to my questions above....deb

[ZA Dater]

every shrek has their fiona.......you havent found your fiona yet.....ok that was cheesy...but i happen to love shrek......no i am not fiona....she is better looking....for a cartoon..;0)...

 

look za you said something interesting a couple of posts back...you said the ....do you feel maybe that you are closing doors or not even trying doors due to having high expectations...

 

what is it you look for in a female companion that you find attractive.....that you find it so rare....that you are attracted.

 

i actually find it rare to be attracted to a guy.......but i accept that is the way i am ....and i have had serious relationships.....so what si it za that keeps you from being interested or what interests you to want to date them.

 

i dont really want to talk about how its over for you i understand you feel that way and i validate your feelings and respect how you feel at the moment...not gonna argue with you...and tell you that you are wrong to feel the way you do..... but now i would please like the answers to my questions above....deb

 

I will gladly answer your questions.

 

For me attraction is really how someone engages with me, their ability to converse on a wide range of topics, their humour and the fact they are knowledgeable.

 

What made this one so special is she just got me, there was never a moment where she didn't get what I was trying to say or didn't know what I was talking about, her supreme confidence rubbed off on me a lot and when I was with her I could simply bring out my intellect, yes I was still shy to a point but just being around her made me feel good.

 

Add to the fact we liked similar things and she was uncorrupted by dozens of horrid dating experiences and I just felt like I was in a really good place.

 

She just has this amazing personality which I find hugely attractive and a diverse set of interests, none of which encompass clubbing and she carries herself with class, speaks superbly and is just everything I could ever want.

 

I don't feel I am closing doors, with her I had the possibility of success or so I thought, the other people I have met just didn't grab me like she does. I don't put a massive premium on look but she does have a pretty face and as far as looks go that does matter to me, other than that body wise she isn't remarkable at all but that personality, wows me every time.

 

Basically what I find attractive is highly intangible.

[Toodaloo]

ZA - I have been reading all your posts and you constantly refer to yourself as a "looser".

 

I have to tell you if I guy I am dating puts himself down like that then I sure as heck am not going to be his crutch.

 

Practice having faith in yourself. Learn to love yourself and care about yourself. Learn that you are not a looser and learn the reasons why.

 

You have got to stop this attitude or you will get no where and your self prophecy will come true.

 

Hit the self help books that will increase your confidence. Hit the dating books (absolutely not the PUA ones as they are just awful), learn how to love yourself and be happy with yourself.

 

Sod women! You don't NEED one to be happy but the right one will enhance that. That is the attitude you should have.

[ZA Dater]

ZA - I have been reading all your posts and you constantly refer to yourself as a "looser".

 

I have to tell you if I guy I am dating puts himself down like that then I sure as heck am not going to be his crutch.

 

Practice having faith in yourself. Learn to love yourself and care about yourself. Learn that you are not a looser and learn the reasons why.

 

You have got to stop this attitude or you will get no where and your self prophecy will come true.

 

Hit the self help books that will increase your confidence. Hit the dating books (absolutely not the PUA ones as they are just awful), learn how to love yourself and be happy with yourself.

 

Sod women! You don't NEED one to be happy but the right one will enhance that. That is the attitude you should have.

 

Thanks, the little self confidence and belief I did have are now gone.

 

Doesn't matter really because nobody likes me anyway so how I refer to myself is pretty much academic. My self prophecy is already true and I get to reap the vrot(rotten) taste each and every day.

 

Its impossible to have any sort of faith when every experience is the same and every experience is bad.

 

I am perfectly happy with myself I just have a fully empty life with nobody in it at all, I have lots to give but nobody to give it to, I have a huge ability to care but nobody to care about.

 

Simply put I wish I was someone people actually found attractive but no amount of clothes or haircuts will ever make me anything more than the social misfit I already am.

[Justanaverageguy]

Thanks, the little self confidence and belief I did have are now gone.

 

Doesn't matter really because nobody likes me anyway so how I refer to myself is pretty much academic. My self prophecy is already true and I get to reap the vrot(rotten) taste each and every day.

 

Its impossible to have any sort of faith when every experience is the same and every experience is bad.

 

I am perfectly happy with myself I just have a fully empty life with nobody in it at all, I have lots to give but nobody to give it to, I have a huge ability to care but nobody to care about.

 

Simply put I wish I was someone people actually found attractive but no amount of clothes or haircuts will ever make me anything more than the social misfit I already am.

 

Stop fishing for sympathy. You already got enough of that - no more forthcoming I'm afraid

 

Simple rule is this - you won't be attractive to others until you are attractive to yourself. So you're right - haircuts and clothes are a waste of time if YOU still don't like whats underneath.

 

It starts and ends with you. Start working on improving yourself and impressing yourself and magically others value of you will automatically go up. Other peoples opinions are merely a mirror for what you think about yourself. What ever you think about you - everyone who meets you can read your mind based on your actions and will simply agree with that opinion. The only person you actually need to convince that you have value and are worth dating ..... is you.

[ZA Dater]

Stop fishing for sympathy. You already got enough of that - no more forthcoming I'm afraid

 

Simple rule is this - you won't be attractive to others until you are attractive to yourself. So you're right - haircuts and clothes are a waste of time if YOU still don't like whats underneath.

 

It starts and ends with you. Start working on improving yourself and impressing yourself and magically others value of you will automatically go up. Other peoples opinions are merely a mirror for what you think about yourself. What ever you think about you - everyone who meets you can read your mind based on your actions and will simply agree with that opinion. The only person you actually need to convince that you have value and are worth dating ..... is you.

 

No sympathy required.

 

Irrespective of what I do the result is always the same, what I think of myself is exactly what other think, their actions prove that, constant rejection just tells me there is no real demand for any of my good qualities.

 

One isn't even given a chance.

[Justanaverageguy]

No sympathy required.

 

Irrespective of what I do the result is always the same, what I think of myself is exactly what other think, their actions prove that, constant rejection just tells me there is no real demand for any of my good qualities.

 

One isn't even given a chance.

 

Which came first the chicken or the egg ? You have the cause and effect backwards and now you are stuck in self fulfilling prophecy territory.

 

You believe - what you think of yourself is caused by what others think of you. (Constant rejections resulted in lack of confidence and a belief that your qualities aren't desired.). The reality is the way people treat you - constant rejections - is equally caused by what you think of yourself (lack of confidence and the belief that your qualities aren't desired).

 

One thing feeds into the other to create a growing cycle of reinforcing negative beliefs - a snow ball effect - which gives you a completely false sense of reality and what people really value and what your value really is. The truth is that you will definitely have many qualities women find attractive. They do not reject you because they don't value these. If you had confidence and valued yourself more women would be able to sees these and you would find a date.

 

So knowing that fact you have to get control of your emotions and your thoughts and reset the machine on a more positive trajectory. You have to make it your responsibility to stop wallowing in self pitty. Stop blaming others and make a conscious choice to be more positive and confident. When you hit a bump in the road - don't throw your hands in the air and give up - man up and keep moving forward. That's the only way you get yourself out of the rut. You can post about it till the cows come home but it aint going to change anything. Only positive action can do that.

 

You need to create the opposite of what you have now. A positive reinforcing snow ball. One acceptance will lead to 2 which will lead to 3.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Justanaverageguy