Thanks everyone, I am done.

[ZA Dater]

Which came first the chicken or the egg ? You have the cause and effect backwards and now you are stuck in self fulfilling prophecy territory.

 

You believe - what you think of yourself is caused by what others think of you. (Constant rejections resulted in lack of confidence and a belief that your qualities aren't desired.). The reality is the way people treat you - constant rejections - is equally caused by what you think of yourself (lack of confidence and the belief that your qualities aren't desired).

 

One thing feeds into the other to create a growing cycle of reinforcing negative beliefs - a snow ball effect - which gives you a completely false sense of reality and what people really value and what your value really is. The truth is that you will definitely have many qualities women find attractive. They do not reject you because they don't value these. If you had confidence and valued yourself more women would be able to sees these and you would find a date.

 

So knowing that fact you have to get control of your emotions and your thoughts and reset the machine on a more positive trajectory. You have to make it your responsibility to stop wallowing in self pitty. Stop blaming others and make a conscious choice to be more positive and confident. When you hit a bump in the road - don't throw your hands in the air and give up - man up and keep moving forward. That's the only way you get yourself out of the rut. You can post about it till the cows come home but it aint going to change anything. Only positive action can do that.

 

You need to create the opposite of what you have now. A positive reinforcing snow ball. One acceptance will lead to 2 which will lead to 3.

 

Oh well once again I seem to be simply wrong about everything. I tried being positive, tried being that person, guess what it didn't help a jot.

 

Positive action is to remove myself completely from society in terms of dating. Clearly I just cant do it.

[Justanaverageguy]

Oh well once again I seem to be simply wrong about everything. I tried being positive, tried being that person, guess what it didn't help a jot.

 

Positive action is to remove myself completely from society in terms of dating. Clearly I just cant do it.

 

Being positive for 5 mins and throwing your hands in the air and giving up the second you hit a bump does not count. Patience, resilience and consistent positive action. These are the tools for success.

[ZA Dater]

Being positive for 5 mins and throwing your hands in the air and giving up the second you hit a bump does not count. Patience, resilience and consistent positive action. These are the tools for success.

 

I'd rather just leave dating and do something I have a reasonable chance at succeeding at. There are simply too many variable with dating that one cannot take them all into account.

 

Frankly its not normal to not have any success at all.

[Toodaloo]

Thanks, the little self confidence and belief I did have are now gone.

 

Doesn't matter really because nobody likes me anyway so how I refer to myself is pretty much academic. My self prophecy is already true and I get to reap the vrot(rotten) taste each and every day.

 

Its impossible to have any sort of faith when every experience is the same and every experience is bad.

 

I am perfectly happy with myself I just have a fully empty life with nobody in it at all, I have lots to give but nobody to give it to, I have a huge ability to care but nobody to care about.

 

Simply put I wish I was someone people actually found attractive but no amount of clothes or haircuts will ever make me anything more than the social misfit I already am.

 

 

Dear Lord ZA - get a grip and listen to yourself!

 

Do you want to go out with a woman who is self pitying and negative? No? Gosh can't think why!

 

Do you want to go out with a woman who can't be bothered to pick themselves back up after one of lifes knocks? No? Can't think why!

 

Be the person you want to date and for goodness sake snap out of it. You have had a ton of sympathy and support and all you have done is throw it back in our faces. THAT is NOT attractive.

 

You have since been on a date and rejected that woman. Do you think she is now at home crying about it and telling everyone that she is going to give up because the guy she liked dried up on conversation and he doesn't like her any more...

 

Grow Up. Quit acting like a spoilt brat and get on with it.

 

You have come so far in the past couple of months and now your prepared to throw it all away and just winge about it?

 

Men don't do that - Boys do. Men pick themselves up and carry on with the journey. Boys sulk and whine and moan.

[Moy]

Dear Lord ZA - get a grip and listen to yourself!

 

Do you want to go out with a woman who is self pitying and negative? No? Gosh can't think why!

 

Do you want to go out with a woman who can't be bothered to pick themselves back up after one of lifes knocks? No? Can't think why!

 

Be the person you want to date and for goodness sake snap out of it. You have had a ton of sympathy and support and all you have done is throw it back in our faces. THAT is NOT attractive.

 

You have since been on a date and rejected that woman. Do you think she is now at home crying about it and telling everyone that she is going to give up because the guy she liked dried up on conversation and he doesn't like her any more...

 

Grow Up. Quit acting like a spoilt brat and get on with it.

 

You have come so far in the past couple of months and now your prepared to throw it all away and just winge about it?

 

Men don't do that - Boys do. Men pick themselves up and carry on with the journey. Boys sulk and whine and moan.

 

^^^THIS!!!!!! ZA, you sound like me a few months ago. I urge you to forget about dating and embrace your hobbies, friends, goals/ambitions. Write down what you want to do with your life (other than dating) and plan a course of action. Just be the best version of YOU that you can be, regardless of relationship status.

[ZA Dater]

Being positive for 5 mins and throwing your hands in the air and giving up the second you hit a bump does not count. Patience, resilience and consistent positive action. These are the tools for success.

 

I have been more than patient enough during the last 15 years but there is NOTHING positive to show for any of it.

[Justanaverageguy]

I have been more than patient enough during the last 15 years but there is NOTHING positive to show for any of it.

 

And how about on the consistent positive action part ..... ? How about on being resilient and not letting a rejection impact that positive action ? How are you doing on those 2 items ?

 

Its like trying to bake a cake with only flour. You need the eggs and sugar to make the recipe work

[ZA Dater]

Dear Lord ZA - get a grip and listen to yourself!

 

Do you want to go out with a woman who is self pitying and negative? No? Gosh can't think why!

 

Do you want to go out with a woman who can't be bothered to pick themselves back up after one of lifes knocks? No? Can't think why!

 

Be the person you want to date and for goodness sake snap out of it. You have had a ton of sympathy and support and all you have done is throw it back in our faces. THAT is NOT attractive.

 

You have since been on a date and rejected that woman. Do you think she is now at home crying about it and telling everyone that she is going to give up because the guy she liked dried up on conversation and he doesn't like her any more...

 

Grow Up. Quit acting like a spoilt brat and get on with it.

 

You have come so far in the past couple of months and now your prepared to throw it all away and just winge about it?

 

Men don't do that - Boys do. Men pick themselves up and carry on with the journey. Boys sulk and whine and moan.

 

Thanks as I say I am done with dating, made up my mind I never ever want to walk down this pathetic road again. The date I went on was just a meet up there was never an intention of seeing her again, it was merely a dinner because neither of felt like sitting at home on our own. There was nothing in common and no common attraction either.

 

Whether I am positive of just be what I am makes no difference whatsoever, I may as well stop pretending to be someone I am not and just be me, which is pragmatic and realistic. I will confine for my fairy tales for my novel I am writing. In fact here is a good idea, why don't I just live me life vicariously via a fictional novel.

 

Nothing has change in the last couple of months, there is no measureable improvement in anything, I am as alone as I was then, I has a low self confidence as I did them the only difference is now I just feel like a looser and totally unattractive to boot.

 

Do you know how many times a date has ever complimented me? Once and it was this last one.

 

Do you know how many times a date has asked me anything about me, yes once again and it was again this last one.

 

I am choosing to now live in the real world, a world where objective trumps subjective delusions.

 

Nobody wants to date me and the sooner I simply accept that and adopt some sort of existence the better. Its a reality I cannot change, I just don't know how and at 31 people really are not interested in teaching people how to date, everyone learnt that at school and college. That is an indisputable fact which has come up on this forum countless times.

 

Simply put I am just beyond caring. I tried my best, failed continuously and its now time to do something else, find something to fill this void and just live with feeling like a total misfit.

 

I am going to avoid any event which requires a partner, going to cut out going out completely baring work and that it. Nobody here truly understands how horrible it feels to go to events for 10+ years, never have a date and then get asked where ones date is and then have to come up with a story, nor do they understand how crap it is to walk around perpetually lonely.

 

This isn't about hobbies, its not about friends its about me wanting to actually give something back to someone, just once to experience love, something everyone else has found at least once.

 

Everyone here sings the same tune, positive this, walk on next, move on here but the reality is if you have no options this advice is hollow.

 

As for what I want, we have established well and truly what I want I cant have.

 

I just need to accept that.

[ZA Dater]

And how about on the consistent positive action part ..... ? How about on being resilient and not letting a rejection impact that positive action ? How are you doing on those 2 items ?

 

Its like trying to bake a cake with only flour. You need the eggs and sugar to make the recipe work

 

Why it makes no difference either way, never had any success so how do I possibly be positive about something which only brings rejection and hurt?

 

Please tell me, how?

[Toodaloo]

The date I went on was just a meet up there was never an intention of seeing her again, it was merely a dinner because neither of felt like sitting at home on our own. There was nothing in common and no common attraction either.

 

Nothing has change in the last couple of months, there is no measureable improvement.

 

Do you know how many times a date has ever complimented me? Once and it was this last one.

 

Do you know how many times a date has asked me anything about me, yes once again and it was again this last one.

 

Simply put I am just beyond caring. I tried my best *for a grand sum of 5 minutes*, its now time to do something else, find something to fill this void and just *get on with enjoying life to the full*.

 

I deleted the sulky bits for you and made some amendments...

 

There is measurable improvement.

1. You are actually getting dates now

2. The last of those dates actively made attempts to get to know you

 

*Note I suspect that if you went in with the attitude that you are displaying here, you are now on her list of worst dates... Because this attitude you have shows! Its awful. Its also probably why conversation dried up and died.

 

Right now you seem hell bent on completely refusing any help, support, empathy or guidance that could help you...

 

That is your choice and the actions and reactions of those around you are going to be because of that choice.

[ZA Dater]

I deleted the sulky bits for you and made some amendments...

 

There is measurable improvement.

1. You are actually getting dates now

2. The last of those dates actively made attempts to get to know you

 

*Note I suspect that if you went in with the attitude that you are displaying here, you are now on her list of worst dates... Because this attitude you have shows! Its awful. Its also probably why conversation dried up and died.

 

Right now you seem hell bent on completely refusing any help, support, empathy or guidance that could help you...

 

That is your choice and the actions and reactions of those around you are going to be because of that choice.

 

It wasn't a date and she didn't interest me from the outset. Nor did I interest her. So no I am not getting dates. Furthermore there was nothing in common at all. She made no attempt to get to know me the only one who bothered is the subject of this thread.

 

Nothing barring restarting my life could help me. Seeing as I can't do that I'll just have to live with this.

 

None of my supposed friends has ever tried to help me.

[HeartDesires]

Perspectives summon circumstances.....

[serial muse]

None of my supposed friends has ever tried to help me.

 

I'm curious about what this means. You yourself avow that you are very rarely interested in a woman, and you seem to have a curious superiority/inferiority complex swirling around in there in your mind. What seems to have started this all off is that you wanted one woman, who told you she didn't want to date you, and now you seem to blame your friends for not changing her mind (which was hers to change, or not, by the way - if you really respect her mind you ought to give her own opinion more weight).

 

But what I don't understand is why you're blaming your friends for not finding you a date. Anyone who has ever allowed him- or herself to be set up by friends knows one thing: There's no accounting for taste. Everyone likes something and someone different. And you seem extremely picky. So it seems an impossible task to set for them. If you want them to help you find someone, you're probably going to have to be more accepting. But you don't seem like the accepting type.

 

And again, if all you're referring to is the fact that they didn't try to convince this woman to like you in that way, then I have nothing to tell you. Such a viewpoint is really disrespectful to her, and it means you didn't really like her as much as you claim. You just wanted her, which is a very different thing.

Edited September 29, 2015 by serial muse

[jen1447]

5 page thread explaining how you're "done" = not done.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Thanks, the little self confidence and belief I did have are now gone.

 

Why? This girl did not like you in that way, you were going out with her "as a friend," that is what you expressed to her. I understand you hoped for more but you have had NO reason to pin every hope of your entire life on this.

[ZA Dater]

I'm curious about what this means. You yourself avow that you are very rarely interested in a woman, and you seem to have a curious superiority/inferiority complex swirling around in there in your mind. What seems to have started this all off is that you wanted one woman, who told you she didn't want to date you, and now you seem to blame your friends for not changing her mind (which was hers to change, or not, by the way - if you really respect her mind you ought to give her own opinion more weight).

 

But what I don't understand is why you're blaming your friends for not finding you a date. Anyone who has ever allowed him- or herself to be set up by friends knows one thing: There's no accounting for taste. Everyone likes something and someone different. And you seem extremely picky. So it seems an impossible task to set for them. If you want them to help you find someone, you're probably going to have to be more accepting. But you don't seem like the accepting type.

 

And again, if all you're referring to is the fact that they didn't try to convince this woman to like you in that way, then I have nothing to tell you. Such a viewpoint is really disrespectful to her, and it means you didn't really like her as much as you claim. You just wanted her, which is a very different thing.

 

Let me make something clear, the same friends went to ridiculous lengths to try and set me up with people who clearly were not my cup of tea yet they knew full well how much I like this one, yet never made half the effort.

 

 

All I wanted was one proper one on one date but I wasn't even good enough for that either.

 

 

Never was I told by her that she wasn't interested. Never.

 

 

There is so much common interest I cannot understand why I am not even good enough friend material.

 

 

I like her because we get along well and I believe I can make it work, my disinterest I most women is purely due to the fact I can see within 5 minutes whether I am interested and whether anything would work, unlike with anyone else this one left me spellbound by virtue of a far superior intellect to anyone I have ever met before as well as more diverse interest and knowledge than anyone I had met before.

 

 

Had I received any concrete opinion from her I may have given it weight.

 

 

I asked for her number once, "oh you can get it from my friend", what did I do I backed off there because it was perhaps clear I was asking for too much, it still haunts me that made the wrong decision there.

 

 

At the end of the day I just have to live with what is and what I am which is just an unattractive looser who appeals to nobody I actually like. There is no conjecture there but pure fact backed up by 15 years of constant rejection.

[ZA Dater]

5 page thread explaining how you're "done" = not done.

 

Trust me I am totally done.

[Michelle ma Belle]

And so am I.

 

Hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

 

Good luck to you.

[ZA Dater]

And so am I.

 

Hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thanks.

 

 

I cant be helped but thanks for trying, some people are just too far gone, too much bitterness and cynicism but based on what I am told here its ALL MY FAULT. Its always the guys fault for everything.

 

 

Its my fault I have been continually rejected, I get it really I do. Its also my fault I don't conform, as it is my fault I am ugly.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Let me make something clear, the same friends went to ridiculous lengths to try and set me up with people who clearly were not my cup of tea yet they knew full well how much I like this one, yet never made half the effort.

:mad: Is there any chance you can realize how wretched this sounds? Have you spent alot of your time trying to fix any of these friends up on dates or doing other things for them? Maybe they knew this girl didn't like you (since she in fact doesn't) and they didn't want to waste your time!

 

Your friends can't influence a girl to like you, who doesn't on her own. Anyway they obviously HAVE been trying to "help" you like you say nobody does. Sounds like you have some standup friends there. Srsly you should be thankful for that.

[serial muse]

Let me make something clear, the same friends went to ridiculous lengths to try and set me up with people who clearly were not my cup of tea yet they knew full well how much I like this one, yet never made half the effort.

 

Likely because, if they are as you say friends with her too, they already knew she's not interested. Perhaps they also care about her feelings, as well as yours? Is that such a terrible prospect? It wasn't going to be a match, and they already knew it.

 

 

All I wanted was one proper one on one date but I wasn't even good enough for that either.

 

Oh, stop it. One person. One. Didn't like you. Out of the many many people you say don't light your fire. Stop with the "not good enough". She wasn't interested. I'm sorry, I know it sucks, but she's just one person, not legions.

 

 

Never was I told by her that she wasn't interested. Never.

 

Then what does this mean?

 

I initially had her tacitly agree to go to an event as my friend.

 

She agreed to go as a friend. That implies that you knew perfectly well that she did NOT agree to go on a date with you. That is specifically telling you she's not interested in anything but friendship.

 

There is so much common interest I cannot understand why I am not even good enough friend material.

 

Yeah, nope, this doesn't fly. I thought you didn't want to be friends, and that you were upset because she has someone she's romantically interested in. Are you willing to just be friends? Because it sure sounds like you don't want that, and that you would instead take any opportunity of hanging out to try to "convince" her to that you should be more. Not surprisingly, she tried to avoid that, because she saw it coming.

 

Look, she knows you like her, she probably would be willing to be friends with you but she didn't want to give you her number because she knows what you want. And it isn't friendship.

 

You're not being honest, with yourself, or with us, or with her.

 

 

I like her because we get along well and I believe I can make it work, my disinterest I most women is purely due to the fact I can see within 5 minutes whether I am interested and whether anything would work, unlike with anyone else this one left me spellbound by virtue of a far superior intellect to anyone I have ever met before as well as more diverse interest and knowledge than anyone I had met before.

 

BUT

 

There is no conjecture there but pure fact backed up by 15 years of constant rejection.

 

...and this is where it becomes hard to understand how you can state that you're constantly rejected, when what you're really saying is you're not interested in most people. I don't see "15 years of constant rejection" in that, sorry. I see a guy who thinks most people aren't worth it.

 

Look, if you want to date more, open up to more people. That's the advice here. That doesn't mean date just anybody. It means loosen up and expand your horizons and be willing to meet more people rather than rejecting them prima facie, and that way you won't obsess on a few and when they don't return your feelings you won't be as compelled to catastrophize.

Edited September 29, 2015 by serial muse

[todreaminblue]

Oh well once again I seem to be simply wrong about everything. I tried being positive, tried being that person, guess what it didn't help a jot.

 

Positive action is to remove myself completely from society in terms of dating. Clearly I just cant do it.

 

za i agree with you....at the moment i don't think its good that you date anyone...people tell others to get back on the horse when they fall off.......i dont ...i say sit down a while and get back on another day...you need some serious me time.......as far as removing yourself completely.......thats fine......its good to take stock some times....and heal and you have been hurt ....so do take the time to heal......i read the answers to your questions and i have one more .......have you ever knocked a date back from a woman you didnt find attractive or more than one......

 

just for the record......i dont think you are (a loser)...what the hell is a looser anyway......looser than whom or what....;0)..its loser and you aint one of either you dont even know how to spell it...that is sort of freudian i believe,that you dont know how to spell loser.......you must not be one...its not you za............but i am not going to argue over semantics..can you please answer my question asked above.....ta...:0).deb

[Imajerk17]

Time to point out some stuff here.

 

1. Your friends pick the person to set you up with, based not only what YOU like, but on whether THE OTHER PERSON is likely to be attracted to you. If you don't like the dates your friends keep sending your way, politely decline next time. At the end of the day, it's not your friends' responsibility to find you someone.

 

2. Your friends do not owe you intelligence on this woman's dating life either. Be thankful that they at least tried to talk you up to her.

 

3. We have all had someone we thought was amazing not even wanting to be our friend. It sucks but such is life.

 

4. You keep insisting how cursed you are, yet you seem to be refusing to listening to us (and probably your friends) what you can do to get better responses from people. Instead you keep insisting that you are such a Nice Guy and too bad women can't appreciate it.

 

5. Are you even acknowledging what you might have done to push this girl away? The board has tried to give you insight. Not sure whether any of it has sunk in.

 

6. Did it occur to you that this woman isn't feeling it with you just as you aren't feeling it w most women you meet? Just as this woman may sound unfair or unreasonable or whatever to you for not giving you more of a chance, you may come across as unrealistic to others with your standards. It just is what it is.

 

Anyway, items 1., 2., and 3., are all about Feeling Entitled while 4. and 5. are about Being Closed-Minded. I'd say 6. is a matter of both.

 

ZA, we ARE truly rooting for you, but I don't think you see all the wrong thinking you have, which might have been sabataging you all along. This is actually GOOD news, in that you aren't a looser (sic), can change to have success in your dating life.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Imajerk17

[Qboro90]

Your behavior and outlook in this thread perfectly explain why you have not had any success with dating.

 

After pages and pages of helpful, useful, proven methods of advice and effort from dozens of complete strangers to help reinforce positivity and motivation in hopes you'd take advantage of all that support and guidance, its gotten to a point where you've managed to offput nearly everyone who was once on your side.

 

Best of luck with wherever you go from here.

[ZA Dater]

Time to point out some stuff here.

 

1. Your friends pick the person to set you up with, based not only what YOU like, but on whether THE OTHER PERSON is likely to be attracted to you. If you don't like the dates your friends keep sending your way, politely decline next time. At the end of the day, it's not your friends' responsibility to find you someone.

 

2. Your friends do not owe you intelligence on this woman's dating life either. Be thankful that they at least tried to talk you up to her.

 

3. We have all had someone we thought was amazing not even wanting to be our friend. It sucks but such is life.

 

4. You keep insisting how cursed you are, yet you seem to be refusing to listening to us (and probably your friends) what you can do to get better responses from people. Instead you keep insisting that you are such a Nice Guy and too bad women can't appreciate it.

 

5. Are you even acknowledging what you might have done to push this girl away? The board has tried to give you insight. Not sure whether any of it has sunk in.

 

6. Did it occur to you that this woman isn't feeling it with you just as you aren't feeling it w most women you meet? Just as this woman may sound unfair or unreasonable or whatever to you for not giving you more of a chance, you may come across as unrealistic to others with your standards. It just is what it is.

 

Anyway, items 1., 2., and 3., are all about Feeling Entitled while 4. and 5. are about Being Closed-Minded. I'd say 6. is a matter of both.

 

ZA, we ARE truly rooting for you, but I don't think you see all the wrong thinking you have, which might have been sabataging you all along. This is actually GOOD news, in that you aren't a looser (sic), can change to have success in your dating life.

 

I sat down, thought about it. Re read this thread and you know what the real issue is I simply don't meet people. Had a chat to my friend, yes he didn't try sell anything good about me because apparently I am too negative about everything.

 

Yes, the advice here is solid but it simply ignores the fact I couldn't get it to work with someone I did have things in common with, that in itself is extremely rare.

 

I am still waiting for someone to tell me how to be positive about dating when none of it has been positive? How do I do that, simply its easier just to remove the entire idea and try to just fill the void with other things, very difficult the way I am feeling now.

 

In many ways I think ibwas strung along by my inherent inability to give up, could I become something she may like or other people may like? I truly do not know, it seems like a shot in the dark to me. Unfortunately I don't really feel I don't know how to change, or what to change to.

 

Perhaps the other hurtful thing is my friends were not honest, they don't even like me either, hence its easier to set me up for faliure rather than success.

 

It's extremely tough to realise you are not perceived how you think you are perceived.

 

In short I don't know what to do because nothing is making me feel better right now and I don't know if its even worth trying to fundamentally change who I am or if its even possible. In short incentive is there to change? Apparently there is none because I can't think of a way to overcome what I am or how to explain why I have no experience and why I am hurting so much.

 

You know it would been different if someone had said to me ," OK you like her, why not try this or try that" I was encouraged by said friends to pursue her, yet when I needed guidance the most and advice the most it was never given.

 

I don't know, maybe I over rated my friends who apparently think very little of me anyway. I am simply told " oh it happens to everyone " sure it does but others at least have some success but apparently I an too negative so I will never have success.