Hi, my name is Otter and I'm insecurrrrr (ranting about LDRs)

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

 

Oh, of course DItD made you cry. You are so cool. And listening to her a capella is hypnotic.

 

Download/Buy "Medulla" -- craziness!!

[prisoner]

sounds my brain has never had to identify before, right?

 

200 years from now she is one of the artists they will study from this time.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

sounds my brain has never had to identify before, right?

 

200 years from now she is one of the artists they will study from this time.

 

True! Yes, I imagine the teleconferencing. With little otter-lets clinging to me. God I know more about soccor, I mean football, whatever...I know more about that game now than I ever have before in my life. And I don't even watch the games. I get the play by plays.

 

I indulged in a cheesburger and a milshake for lunch today. I didn't eat dinner again last night, too many cigarettes stole my appetite.

[prisoner]

Look let's get one thing straight okay. You will one day see that you prefer the football to any of the corporate sports i see touted in the US. I mean look, they were playing american football inside the other day and the score was like 300 to 6 and the players were all wearing bibs that said 'energizer' on them.

 

Plus the world cup starts June 9th next year so you better be ready to say things like, 'Wow, after a gruelling domestic season Nakata is surprisingly very motivated' or 'wow, that zinha reminds me of platini'. If you really want to get Scot wound up try: 'i bet walter smith is happy he's not in England's group'.

 

Back to my fake sports rant: I half expected the Guvanator (Ahnold) to be starring in it until the plumber explained that people take it seriously.

 

Basketball is very good. Although I was not shocked to learn that the home team gets paid for timeouts in the fourth quarter because that means the network gets to make more cash. Honestly. And the winner gets HOW MUCH?

 

What will they do next? Ads on the tennis courts?

 

It is like Opera okay. It proves he has passion.

 

flavor milkshake?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

It is like Opera okay. It proves he has passion.

 

flavor milkshake?

 

Most assuredly. Gawd I had only seen him that passionate in bed, before the Liverpool game. I was like, woah, dude. Effin' chill out. He was like "Noooo! I caun't chill oooout!" (It's soooo funny when he tries to use American expressions. Especially his valley girl impression. OMG, I almost peed my pants. Scottish valley girl? )

 

Chocolate, of course. I only got through half the milkshake. Now I kind of feel like puking. I eat nothing for a day and then pig out on hamburgers and milkshakes. Real healthy, otter.

[Mz. Pixie]

"When you let yourself love someone you have something to lose. I said this to my BF last night. He reassured me saying that he wasn't going anywhere, he said "I love you" so many times but words are useless in some situations, they lose their function sometimes, they can only do so much"

 

Yup, I hear ya. I'm feeling it. I explained to Mr. Wonderful the other night that at a certain point I just shut down and I do not even hear the wonderful things he's saying- when I'm upset.

 

In answer to your question, I'm thinking he wouldn't be making these plans with you just to give them up. Heck, my fiance' has been talking about marrying me for three months. He would have done it yesterday except I refused until he fully got to know my kids. All of this and I still don't really know it's happening yet. I guess I will believe it when we're standing in front of the pastor- and even then I'll be thinking, oh well, okay he could leave me in a month............

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

and even then I'll be thinking, oh well, okay he could leave me in a month............

 

I had this recurring dream, growing up, that I was a glass bunny figurine on a shelf, and I would get knocked over and wake up from the falling. I never did actually break, in the dream, but it was an awful nightmare....

 

That's what your post reminded me of.

[prisoner]

I just have to imagine that there has to be more to it. See I get it, right? People say so many things but telling them that you will believe it when you see it and love is an action is a cliche, right? So there has to be another way to get people to understand that what they are saying IS MAKING IT WORSE than it was with the silence.

 

It's like watching teevee. Forty two percent of people actually retain more with the sound down. they report they can just tell what is going on. Body language. facial expressions. The tone of things.

 

My gf can tells me she misses and loves me all she wants but I have a hard time believing it when she tells me. crazy? sure, but is there any other way?

 

We all do so much to get the information we want from people and then when they tell us we don't believe them. why? because of the way they acted 364 days before they told us and 364 days after. why don't they see that?

 

like the girl who i saw ten years later and told me I should have asked her to prom.

 

yeah because she barely said a word to me for three years and we did one lab together and that made it so?

 

Pixie, can you see it? can you visualize him next to you when you are eighty? just asking.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

Pixie, can you see it? can you visualize him next to you when you are eighty? just asking.

 

This is cute. I can see myself with Scottish when we are old. We would make pretty babies with dark hair and blue eyes.

 

We were joking once about gray pubes. He already has some. I thought they were blond at first, then I was like...waitasecond....

 

He said he would still love me when I get gray pubes.

[prisoner]

if you can't see it. you can't be it.

 

have a good weekend. take care of yourself Otter.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

if you can't see it. you can't be it.

 

have a good weekend. take care of yourself Otter.

 

You too, confessor!

 

"Dreams come true; without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them."

 

- John Updike

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, I can see myself with him when I'm 80.

 

His parents have been married 40 years in December. One of the first things he told me was that he wanted the kind of marriage that they have. The other day we were over there and his dad was talking about his mom and he said, "She's just an angel- that's the only way I know to describe her" Even though they are old- he's 75- she's 62- they are still in love- he had this look on his face when he said it that will stick with me for a long time. They had a progressive marriage for the 60's- they both worked but he did the majority of the cooking and a good bit of the cleaning and the childcare. He still cooks and straightens up! It's cute!

 

My mother always said things she didn't mean- I love you, you're my life etc and her treatment of me didn't match! I grew to distrust words bunches. Then my exh said the same things but his actions didn't show that he loved me like he said he did. That's why words are meaningless to me sometimes. I can't help it.

[blind_otter]

What a weekend. I try to do normal things and end up puking on the bathroom floor for 2 days. Went out to early dinner on friday at cool indie-rock pizza place. Dirt rocker punk boys need to learn the virtues of deoderant . It kind of takes your appetite away when your server's body odor overtakes the aroma of artichoke hearts and basil on pizza (yum).

 

Saturday I went shopping. I needed clothes for europe, I keep telling myself. I did get a new pair of new balances, my fav athletic shoes, the only type I get because they fit my feet the best. I also got some espaderilles, which I didn't need but wanted. And a new hoodie. I told my BF about the clothes I bought and he was like "Hoodie? What's a hoodie? A sweatshirt with a hood, I presume?" I had to explain it was a sweatjacket with a hood on it. Mine is turqouise. Shopping addiction?

 

I went to dinner saturday night at D's house. He used to be roommates with my friend J, who moved in with his girlfried 2 years ago but remained close to D. Tess is friends with both. So we drank red wine and I got red in the face and stumbly after 2 glasses! Woah. How did that happen? I wasn't drunk but I felt really f***ed up, my coordination was weird and I was really thirsty.

 

Anyways I went home late that night after smoking a blunt and the next day I felt queasy. I was like bad quesy. It got progressively worse until I was hugging my pillow deliriously, not opening my eyes because the vertigo was so bad. I threw up a lot. I couldn't really move from the bathroom.

 

I slept all night and woke up feeling f***ed up, probably because I hadn't eaten since Saturday. I called in sick to work and slept the whole day onMonday. I manged to crawl to the grocery store to get iced tea and soup. I totally forgot to get water. I wanted bottled water but I couldn't get the motivation to go anywhere.

 

I am back at work today still feeling weird. My head feels detached. I think I need gatorade or vitamins or something because I feel like a$$ in the trash on a hot day in hell.

[Mz. Pixie]

Ugh, sounds like a virus or a bun in the oven!

 

Hope you're feeling better!

[prisoner]

Well it I think we have finally got ourselves a problem.

 

I woke up saturday morning and realised that i had gotten home on friday evening. sat down to watch the news and promptly fell asleep.

 

woke uip saturday had two bites of an omelette and then threw up for about fifteen hours. dehydrated? salty? sweaty? just sick.

 

then i felt better had some food and fell asleep again until sunday. basically i felt the same way and did the same thing again with only enough reprieve to watch mexico.

 

then i got sick again. great. it was about as much fun as yesterday when i was told that i had to write the strategy for the next year.

 

oh joy. it does mean i finally egt to go home. it also means my gf will see me about as much as she does now except we will finally be at the same address. after a detour to cleveland and pittsburgh.

 

I still feel weird today, too.

 

like i have been hit by a truck. no energy left. i have to pazck up my stuff. ship what i can back home and somehow explain what three rivers and the mistake by the lake have to do with the future of brands. great.

 

can't i just stay here and post to you?

 

Mz. P: there is a way to trust words again. would you want to if you could? and if you can see being together, then what is it that makes you see it? focus on that and make him express whatever that is more often. no matter how he does it. just a thought.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sure that one day I will trust words again- and gosh yeah, I would want to if I could! My problem is this has been ingrained in my personality for years. Never could believe my mother, married 10+ years, couldn't believe my husband.

 

Perhaps I will outgrow it???

 

You guys are giving each other virus' over LS now! Perhaps I should come back to the thread when everyone is all better?

[blind_otter]

Prisoner this is WACK! Oh what a world. I'm melting, I'm Mmmmeeeeeellllttttttiiiiiinnnnggg.....

 

This is my 108th yawn today. And I got so much sleep yesterday it's obscene. I still faithfully got up in my delirious state to call my BF. I missed one phone call sunday night after dosing myself with anti-nausea drugs. My BF was in a tizzy and said he had a horrible day Monday because he was worried about me having a seizure from being dehydrated and falling on the floor and banging my head and knocking myself out. I said, woah. That's a long and involved neurotic daydream! Mine usually consist of "Ohmigod he's dead on the side of the road". Pretty straight and simple.

 

I bought a pack of smokes when I was delirious the other day. I think I frightened the clerk. My hair was unwashed and I might have smelt fainlyt of vomit. Deeeee-licious. Hey, I lsot like 5lbs. I'm looking svelt. I shuffle around like I'm a svelt 80 year old.

[prisoner]

my gf was in a tizzy. and she pulled a fast one.

 

got all fussy with me on saturday because I explained that I think I* have recently done some of my best work and she got crazy because she interpreted that to mean I worked better away from her.

 

Then she got mad because I misseda call from her and oh! she did not tell me that she was out all night dancing at my friend Louis' party/gig on saturday until four a.m.

 

Now you see that is what I get freaky aboput. she has a bad day and it is my fault. I have a bd day and it is my fault. sometimes there is no winning with hter. but then she makes me nachos and I am okay about everyuthing and forget that she has swings and roundabouts but is the bestest gf ever.

 

 

I know the distance really does get to her. I eman it gets to me and I feel guilty when i think that she is suffering more than I am but I think that is the case with everything. I am strange that way.

 

As for you Ms. Otter, Blind:

 

shopping is fun andf you should do as much of it as you can while you have the chance. Once Scot comes back you will be away from the shops and in his loving arms and that will be that.

 

I scared the delivery guy on Sunday. he was knocking and I was standing behind him having walked to the front of the house. he was like 'wheredi you come from'? I was all like: 'mars dope. now give me my twizzlers and my iced tea'. see Otter, not all of us forget what we want.

 

I think my mom calls the store and makes them put fruit in my groceries. This is three weeks in a row that i haver bananas but do not remember buying them. That is something you would do Otter.

 

Mz. P: seriously, do you want to outgrow it? do you think using the word outgrow is significant? is it the only word you can think of? can you let go of what HAS happened and just look forward? can you choose to trust? do you think it is a choice? can you think of any other words you could use instead of 'outgrow'?

[blind_otter]

Tizzies seem to be the order of the day. Or week. Whatever.

 

Yesterday I called BF faithfully. We emailed back and forth several times throughout the day. He got quite a nice hotel room in Amsterdam that's all red (my favorite color) with a jacuzzi (I like taking bubble baths and smoking a joint, so sue me, at least now he can join me in the tub!). That was sweet of him.

 

When I called he was tired from painting up on a scaffolding at a catholic church all day. So our conversation lasted like 10 minutes and ended abruptly with me saying "Well, bye, then!" And hanging up the phone like a big baby. I stomped around the house, cleaning up debris from the weekend (I was wandering around in a nauseous cloud, there were half full bottles of water everywhere and I forgot to get dogfood so they tore up the bag and left shreds all over the house in tiny pieces and then peed in the walk in closet. I couldn't drag myself out of bed to take them out. Well, it could have been worse.

 

Anyways I went out and got the damn dogfood, and when the clerk asked me if I needed help to my car with the 50 lbs. bag (which is nearly half my body weight, and almost as tall as me, ha ha) I snapped "NO! I can carry it. What? You think I can't carry it? Watch me!" (Otter was fiesty!) And I hoisted that beyotch over my shoulder like a continental soldier, as it were, and marched out cursing under my breath about how everything was falling apart just like I thought. He is losing interest. Absense is to love as wind is to fire, it extinguishes the small and enkindles the great, you know. That guy said that. That one time.

 

Anyways when I got home I was all miserable. I put my anime in (I got DVDs 2-4 in the mail yesterday and watch them several times in Japanese and english depending on my mood) and then the phone rang and I sprang up! Huzzah! He called back! No. It was R, begging for a massage and offering me pad thai and pot stickers in exchange. Ok, fine. I WILL massage for pad thai and pot stickers. And gossip. So I agreed to meet her at the restaurant. Food first, I have my priorities.

 

But then he calls! Raptures! He said the conversation ended badly and he couldn't sleep knowing that I was even slightly upset. Oh what a sweet man. I rewarded him with my sweetest disposition, showered him with compliments and sighs of longing. Phone sex, hey why not. Explanations of my stupid temper tantrum, a funny story about snapping at the bagboy in the grocery store, and he told me a sweet story about the brids that live under the eaves at the church, and how they hop up the ladder, one rung at a time, and how a baby bird fell from teh roof and he saw that the mother was flying down to feed her little one, and he made a wee nest by stacking bits of wood around a corner of the courtyard to protect the baby bird. So it all turned out for the best. We made up famously and I went off to get a free dinner for a "tiger balm special neck massage" and a lecture about why I should go ahead and get licensed to practice massage (I can't though, touching strangers makes me queasy. I supposed I am too sensitive to others' energy??)

 

My shower is slightly broken. The water doesn't drain fast enough. Should I use draino? Or pay for a plumber?

[BigB]

:lmao:

 

G' morning Otts!

 

now I'm hungry for Thai....

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by BigB

:lmao:

 

G' morning Otts!

 

now I'm hungry for Thai....

 

Whassfer lunch? Leftovers! Mmmmm. Pad thai rocks the hizzy! ya B.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I just use the word "outgrow" alot because I think it sounds cute since I'm over 35!

 

I have to choose to move forward and trust. My fiance' will not accept anything less I know, and he deserves everything.

 

This weekend he bought me a dress to wear to dinner with his parents. As I had packed for his place I didn't have the right shoes for the dress and I was kinda sad about it because I wanted to look nice. On the way to the dinner he swung over to the shoe store and made me pick out new shoes to go with the dress. He said that I wouldn't feel good unless I thought I looked my best and he wanted me to feel good. Now, this is truly a man who really gets it!!!

 

Otter- so much like me- distrusting every little nuance of conversation where I think something is going on and there is not! What do we get a handbook once we've been through trama?

 

Tiger Balm massage- oohhhh I would love one of those right now!

[prisoner]

Please just remember that you are having a whole relationship with this man. Your evening was a universe of episodes that added up to an experienvce. All those experiences make for the relationship. be prepared to feel as though being together takes a little getting used to. Just be prepared.

 

Now as for the plumber. I know you understand that the plumber like lives in my house (I think he took a room) so I will tell you what he tellsme and everyone he calls.

 

Liquid Pluber first. Follow the directions by the letter. It takes a WHILE to work. Up to 24 hours sometimes. If there is a clog. A serious clog then use more liquid plumber and then only if nothing happens after eight hours then call a plumber. They will snake a shower. labor. materials. money.

 

back to you: how are things with R. you mentioned they were not the best. all better now? a little time heals all wounds, right? especially time together?

 

In the meantime I want to know how you are doing after not going for (what is it) two weeks now?

 

Shaking? paranoia? intense weariness followed by bursts of energy? fewer cigarettes? are you happier NOT going?

[blind_otter]

 

I'm pissed today. I am irritable on and off - pretty emotional, really. Making dumb mistakes. I hate my job and often wonder if it's something wrong with ME, am I horrible worker? Am I really this stupid and destestable? Feh. I wish I were wealthy. Then I wouldn't have to salve away as I am.

 

Life seems to crawl on interminably. I hate the slow drizzle of time passing. People disgust me today. I cannot find a way to be diplomatic lately.

[prisoner]

Why do you expect so much from yourself?

 

Seriuosly. Why do you expect so much from yourself? Does your job expect that much from you? Does your boss? Your dogs?

 

Do you see where i am going? Of course you do. You are the smartest person in this conversation. Meaning: We both know how it works, don't we?

 

Things go well somewhere we have to sabotage something else. It can be in thelittle things, sure. But it is so subtle that we enjoy it knowing that what can go wrong will have little to no consequence buit it keeps the universe under control just a little bit.

 

What are you dreading Otter? What is making you want to be spoken to or yelled at? Wjhat is making you feel as though you should be scolded for something you probably did knowing full well that you were skipping a step or making a mistake?

 

Seriously I'd really like to discuss this. We have to stop doing what we do. How? I don't know but we will figure out a way maybe.

 

 

 

Oh! I have something for you.

 

you are not alone: Carl Honore. He wrote In praise of slowness: how a worldwide movement is challenging the culture of speed.

 

check out: inpraiseofslow.com. read the book. you are not alone Otter. it feels that way I know. but not at all.