Hi, my name is Otter and I'm insecurrrrr (ranting about LDRs)

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

Shame on me.

 

Shame on you how?? I don't get it. I made the choice, intoxicated as I was. I feel like ass in the trash on a hot day in hell today. Do I plan on doing that again? Hell NO! I hate being at work so out of it. I hate the fact that I smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in one night.

 

I need to stop being around those people, I know it. The friend I visited was a great guy back in college. Somehow he became a creature motivated by fear and addiction. Stuff an eightball a night up your nose is not a way to live life. Not that I did that. 2-3 bumps does not equal an eightball but IMO it might as well....

 

I don't know that I can even admit what I did to my BF in fear that he will retaliate in some way. I won't give up. It's against my nature. I start again, now, at day 1. I try to live the life I know I should live. From now on. Each day is a new opportunity. So cliche. So ME.

 

I suppose in some ways his terseness makes me doubt everything. Even my unrefundable ticket. Granted I have enough flow now to pay for a hotel for myself. I don't even feel like eating. I did have butternut squash bisque last night prior to my indulgence. I have been so good for so long....I withstood temptation for a few months. I am sad to see how I failed myself.

 

And you are right. Prior to this I probably would have continued this tumble off the wagon for a while because I would have figured I failed anyways, why keep trying? But I will. I have no other choice, in my opinion. Giving in is not an option.

[prisoner]

did it feel inevitable? you finish your squash bisque and then what? see, bisque is like the extreme opposite of the night you had. what caused the swing. what made you visit? phone ring? did you make the call? was the invite there? is it perpetual?

 

and yes, if you are going to move on it is true that you are going to have to leave some people behind.

 

you remember my first words to you: in order to grow you have to what? prune, right?

 

call it a mistake. a reminder. a flawed step. a breakdown? no. a reason to fall further? no.

 

in my eyes you have taken another step TOWARD your goal. You wrote that you wanted to access your emotions? well you are accessing them today.

 

Now as for that bf of yours. I think he started it. i think he fed your insecurity (that you have had on a leash) by discussing fidelity with you. maybe you don't need to know that he gets hit on in bars. maybe he doesn't need to remind you that the distance is the thing.

 

my gf goes out with ther friends. i know eher they go. my friends work at these bars and work the doors and go out themselves. i know she gets spoken to and danced around and invited to who knows what and where. she would never tell me. why? I am the type she would only be challenging.

 

Did you feel challenged when he talked to yuo? Did you feel as though he was loosening his grip even if it was just a little?

 

maybe there are some things he needs to learn about you before he pulls out a match and dances around the fuse. am i wrong? if so, what was it?

 

something made you turn away from comfort food and peace to the craziness that ensued. something.

[blind_otter]

You know I feel like saying to him "What am I to you?"

 

I feel like asking him why he has been terse with me. I feel like being a pissy little b*tch, basically. Probably leftovers from the irritability that coke brings.

 

But I don't want to sound needy or demanding. I just feel like something has changed for some reason. Every time we speak I make an effort to be lighthearted and cheerful. Better he hears this, than to leave him with a bad taste in his mouth after out conversation, right?

 

I finished my butternut squash bisque and I had 2 shots of whiskey. Which became 6 shots of whiskey. I was supposed to drop off some things left in my garage by Mr. T - who has moved to S. FL to "get clean". I forgot to even take them out of my car. I was asked to pass by after work on Sunday, and I did as was asked. The invite is not perpetual, though I noticed that druggies, like misery, love company.

 

Sometimes he seems outrageously enamored of me. Sometimes I feel like he is loosening his grip. Right now, I feel the latter.

 

I don't want to push. I am not a pusher. I suppose I shall ask him tonight. If you don't want me, all of me, and you aren't willing to make the effort to court me without constant nagging, there really is no point. Nonrefundable ticket or not. I have the funds to stay in a hostel and enjoy myself in Scotland, regardless.

 

I am a very mulish woman when I want to be.

[prisoner]

I have been there. I have been exactly where you are. I tell you it is the distance. That undefinable intangible beast that we try and pack away or cover up with cards and letters and things we would not normally do or say.

 

cards we would never read or write. emails carry WEIGHT. letters become both poisons and anecdotes (that was just a little joke).

 

I have been where you are. Listen. Just understand that you are going to Scotland. You will see him when you get there. If he turns you away then you can access some emotions for him. But he won't. he is being prickly and feeb;e because the distance is getting to him too. The big eyed annoying monster that it is.

 

look pecae is the answer. it is the best way. ninety percent of what you are annoyed about would not be an issue if he were seeing you tonight, right? I eman I know it is an issue and he should be behaving better but he is hurting too, you know?

 

and yes he NEEDS to show his hand better. hiding from you is not worrking and he needs to knwo that. don't make things worse. go in wanting to make things better Otter. just know that the best will remain yet to come. you will not be HAPPY until you see him.

 

and your being happy is what it is all about. seriously. nothing else matters.

 

I have swalloowed a lot of bitter pills to avoid arguments and fights with m y beloved. it all feels better when she is back in my arms and then we can talk about things face to face. when the distance has no power. now it has all the power.

 

eat something. talk to him. tell him you miss him. get alot of sleep. take a shower.

 

what did he nag you about? what problem is he having? it is such a roller coaster ride, isn't it? I hate being a cliche but it is rough being away from people you love for what seems like no reason.

 

as for Mister T and the belongings I have a question: are you happy he is gone? relieved in any way? or has it made you uncomfortable that he is soemwhere else? just asking.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

eat something. talk to him. tell him you miss him. get alot of sleep. take a shower.

 

what did he nag you about? what problem is he having? it is such a roller coaster ride, isn't it? I hate being a cliche but it is rough being away from people you love for what seems like no reason.

 

as for Mister T and the belongings I have a question: are you happy he is gone? relieved in any way? or has it made you uncomfortable that he is soemwhere else? just asking.

 

Yeah I'm doing the passive aggressive self-injury thing by not eating again. I have no appetite. I am irritated.

 

I'm doing the nagging, IMO. I already talked to him about this a scant 5 f***ing days ago. I just told him he needs to keep courting me. He emailed me a bunch and then got lazy again. The issue is that I insist that he continue to court me. He is not verbose at all. His vocabulary isn't as ridiculous as mine. I am flowery and romantic. He is when prodded with a sharp stick.

 

I am making a moue of disappointment. I feel like not emailing any more at all. What's the point. He'll see me when he sees me.

 

I'm happy Mr. T is gone. Maybe he can clean up (doubtful). He was making me terribly depressed.

[prisoner]

being in the situation you are in isn't normal and it cannot be sustained by normal behaviour.

 

i can guarantee you he is moping about not being with you and letting the depression get the best of him. fool. tell him i did that and ended up getting prodded with a stick that i did not enjoy too much.

 

outgoing. communicative. these are the things you signed up for. if you wanted non-communicative and unresponsive you could date someone who lives where you are and not be haunted by them.

 

My gf once had like 'writer's block' i ex[plained that writing to me should nbe an extention of how she feels. not necessarily mushy or gushy just honest. even a description of the hairdresser's new dog makes for pleasant reading because at least then it is communication. Not all contact has to amount to significant.

 

you have a right to be nagging. prod him with a stick. get what YOU want.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

being in the situation you are in isn't normal and it cannot be sustained by normal behaviour.

 

i can guarantee you he is moping about not being with you and letting the depression get the best of him. fool. tell him i did that and ended up getting prodded with a stick that i did not enjoy too much.

 

outgoing. communicative. these are the things you signed up for. if you wanted non-communicative and unresponsive you could date someone who lives where you are and not be haunted by them.

 

My gf once had like 'writer's block' i ex[plained that writing to me should nbe an extention of how she feels. not necessarily mushy or gushy just honest. even a description of the hairdresser's new dog makes for pleasant reading because at least then it is communication. Not all contact has to amount to significant.

 

you have a right to be nagging. prod him with a stick. get what YOU want.

 

The squeaky wheel gets the grease, ya know.

 

Should I tell him about doing coke all night last night and going straight to work? I don't want to....

 

BTW - is "transdisciplinarity" a word? My boss insists it is "in academia" - I told her that she needs to be aware of the audience to which she is writing, because I don't know what the hell that word means. Man I wish I could shove a 2X4 up her ass sometimes. The dean's office rejected the word and she insists on using it.

[prisoner]

would it help? would it make the distance seem greater or lesser than? are you sure that YOU have the best intentions telling him?

 

I have been here before. Knowing how high you have reached can easily become how far there is to fall.

 

i can't tell you what to do. i can only say this and mean it: tell him. do not tell him. i will not judge you and i am right here either way.

 

let me know what you decide?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

would it help? would it make the distance seem greater or lesser than? are you sure that YOU have the best intentions telling him?

 

I have been here before. Knowing how high you have reached can easily become how far there is to fall.

 

i can't tell you what to do. i can only say this and mean it: tell him. do not tell him. i will not judge you and i am right here either way.

 

let me know what you decide?

 

Well I told him everything last night. He said he was disappointed in me because I was trying not to do coke any more. I am disappointed in MYSELF. He was upset, I suppose, in many ways. Upset that I was getting free drugs from guys, upset that I stayed up all night, upset that I wasn't eating.

 

Then he sent me a very very long email today saying how he was thinking today it would break his heart and ruin his world if I was not in it. He also said I am hard work sometimes. Admittedly I am a spoiled brat who is accustomed to being treated like a princess and getting my own way more often than not. I was shocked at not only the length of the email, but also at how very sincere it was. Not the usual pap I'm used to reading from my buddies. Not that meaningless pap is bad, I write long rambling emails that friends call "Otter's (sic) Newsletters". I suppose in many ways it is better to be laconic and say what you mean. I haven't ever been that way!

 

When I was a tot I used to repeat myself over and over, louder and louder, until I was screaming over eceryone else. You've got to do that sort of thing to get heard in a house full of talkers (my sisters and I together sound like 3 people having 6 conversations )

 

I am not used to his laconic nature, I suppose. He says he dislikes talking about random meaningless things. I tell him every little detail.

 

Last night, bummed from doing coke, and irritably tired like a little baby who's missed her nap, I whined about missing him. The ache. The constant hum of "him" in the back of my mind. I just wanted him there, with me, even for a single second - then again, maybe that would make it worse....one month isn't so awful. I can survive for a month. It seems like it's dragging on and on. Our separation....

 

So it will continue for a while.

 

Today I get to retreive my dog from doggy jail. I posted his bond . He returns to me sans testicles, poor chap. Think of the world if THAT were the price humans had to pay for violating someone else!!

[prisoner]

i am standing up and clapping. well i was. i am obviously typing now but i was standing up and applauding your post.

 

you did the right thing.

 

it is so impossible to know what that is but the truth is that the distance makes everything seem so significant and insignificant at once.

 

i am so proud of you. now, i am not letting you off the hook. tell me about the windows and the air con please?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

i am standing up and clapping. well i was. i am obviously typing now but i was standing up and applauding your post.

 

you did the right thing.

 

it is so impossible to know what that is but the truth is that the distance makes everything seem so significant and insignificant at once.

 

i am so proud of you. now, i am not letting you off the hook. tell me about the windows and the air con please?

 

- thanks, p-funk. You rock the house. I shall rock with you.

 

When I close up the windows and put the "air con" on I feel like I'm trapped in a box. Did you ever see "The Scent of Green Papaya"? If not, rent it. Today.

 

If I could like in a house like that, cooking in the courtyard, napping in times of oppressive heat, playing music in the night breeze. My mother said her house in Saigon was somewhat like that - three stories, the third story was a temple where they had portraits on their ancestors up on the altar next to Siddhartha's serene face.

 

I live in FL, so everyone thinks I'm crazy. I like to shower to cool off, or swim (I have a pool in the backyard). I like to be half naked or completely naked. My mama always refered to me as a little nudist because I constantly took my clothes off when I was young.

 

No one notices how the air smells at night, or the sweet sensation of a cool night breeze when you are sleeping in the heat. I want to notice the difference. I want to feel the heat. Air cons make me feel like I'm breathing canned air. Artifical. Unreal. Too stale.

[blind_otter]

Today I am uncomfortable and unhappy. You know what I'm thinking? I was stupid to get the ticket. It's non-refundable, you know. Would you like to buy it from me, prisoner? Do you need a vacation?

 

Last night he said we should talk less on the phone and I freaked out. I cried. I felt abandoned. He is not giving me what I need. I don't know how else to communicate this to him. His excuse is that the distance prevents him from giving me what I want. I suggested that perhaps our relationship should right and truely devolve into a friendship.

 

He said I am too high maintenance. I am. I want, I need, I am too open with my emotions. I am too much.

 

I am awfully sad today for some reason. I know what I'm doing. I am already in the process of detaching myself emotionally. I don't like this feeling. I don't like feeling badly. I hate this. I hate this feeling.

[blind_otter]

 

I was so stupid and naive. He spent the better part of an hour calming me down and comforting me, but I feel like it's too late. He hurt my feelings and now I am withdrawing and retracting like a snail in salt. I hate feeling this way. I hate that he does this to me. I don't know what to do any more.

[prisoner]

she and i went through the same thing. we had these horrible conversations where we both admitted that we were too much for each other and that we should talk less.

 

That lasted a day. It is the distance talking. It is the distance trying to get the bad shots in while it has the chance.

 

Look, you have to remind him that he knew all of those things before he went away. You have to remind him that it all seems compounded by the distance. You have to remind yourself.

 

Speaking of yourself: Deep breath. Good lunch. Relax. Thinik about how great it will be to be in his arms. Think about hoiw his smell will overwhelm you.

 

He is just being a smelly boy and he needs a good kicking. How else does he expect you to feel after he makes overtomes about staying with you and being with YOU. remind him that you feel the way you do about him because of your time TOGETHER. Your time apart hasn't made you feel that way. See the point? Step by step Otter.

 

It is so hard. We used to fight like monsters and then two days later she would show up on my doorstep and we would feel like fools. Questioning whether she should visit and all and wondering what good it would do.

 

As for retreating. As for feeling that way. Otter, please try and consider this. How will you feel? Where will you be? How will it be if the two of you are not given another chance. You are going to Scotland. You are bgetting on that plane. If I have to drive you to the airport that is what is going to happen. For as happy as seeing him will make you. getting your gift. Going to Amsterdam. It is part of your current cycle to get on that plane and see him and to know that ALL GOOD would mean boring and fake. The bitter makes the sweet taste twice as good for twice as long.

 

I have felt the way you feel. Turning away from it now is one mistake I am not going to let you make. And tell him from me: if he wants to make someone cry he can try it out on me first.

 

I can tell you he feels guilty for making you cry,. For being so insensitive. Wear boots when you are together. make him lick them. Or just squeeze him as hard as you can and make him promise never to talk to you that way again. that's what she did. and you knwo what? it worked.

[blind_otter]

I wrote this in another post. When I read it again, it struck me. I need to remember this. Most especially because I have "come a long way, baby" - but as you said, pieto a pieto. And I must remember the path I am taking to progress.

 

When each person learns to take full personal responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy, they stop pulling on each other and blaming each other. When each person learns to fill themselves with love and share that love with each other, instead of always trying to get love, the relationship heals.

 

Learning how to take100% responsibility for your own feelings is one of the essential ingredients in creating a healthy relationship. This means learning to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning about what you are doing to create your own feelings, instead of being a victim and believing that others are causing your feelings.

 

My own insecurities are my enemy, not him. My needy expectations - he is not responsible for me. He still calls me faithfully, emails me each day, even though I know he loathes to write about what he considers irrelevant twaddle. He does this because he knows I like it.

 

Funny enough I complained to my best female friend that he said I was high maintenance, that he makes a lot of effort to keep up with my needs. She laughed at me and said I was the DEFINITION of high maintenance and she commends his effort and scolded my self-righteous indignation. Looking in a mirror is hard.

 

Thank you thank you thank you, ever so much prisoner. I was crushed with doubt. He said I needed to calm down. I said I felt like he was wanting to spend less time with me and he wrote, that he is hurting as much as me and misses me as much as I miss him. But it is harder for him to express his sadness. He plays his guitar and stays in nights. He was hurt about the whole coke incident -- more than he would admit. I understand better, now. I often say things in disappointed, pouty anger, that I always later regret....why should I be given any more allowance than any other beautifully flawed human being?

 

Temper tantrum's done now. Thanks, p. You're a luv.

[prisoner]

Otter, is there something you are not telling me? I don't expect complete candour butif there is something you are not telling me then fine. I understand. Anonymity provides only so much comfort.

 

I say this because I just get the sense that SOMETHING is fuelling a brush with pain in you. Something has made you want to pay the higher tab. Is that it? you feel as though you owe more than you are being made to pay? Can I ask: are you feeling guilty about something? Are you feeling something you haven't felt before about something.

 

Excuse me if I am pressing too hard. I would be unhappy if I did not ask.

 

how is your puppy? happy to be back?

 

Oh wait, I think I know what is going on. I'll ask this: do you have SPECIFIC plans for this weekend or are you looking at doing things 'in the meantime'? Again if I am wrong just don't call me p-funk (that was almost as funny as travis barker).

[Mz. Pixie]

B_O

 

How is the insecurity today??? I've been reading your posts a bit here and there.

 

Today is a bad day for me- alot of demons coming out. Two weeks ago, my brother whom I haven't spoken to in two and a half years (he is an addict) called me and asked me to help get him into rehab. He has no job or any insurance so I got him into a shelter program. Yesterday morning he called me and told me he'd been thrown out for getting into a fight with a homeless guy. So, now I'm worried he's out and drinking and drugging again.

 

Found out my exh is taking my kids out of town with his girlfriend- who used to be a friend of mine. I don't mind them sleeping together because I don't want to be with him- but I'm not happy about my kids being with someone else.

 

Then, my brother calls and tells me that his father passed away over the weekend and no one told us. That would be my stepfather- who was also the one who sexually molested me.

 

Have alot of wierd feelings going on. I've felt high maintenance. My bf is out for the summer from his teaching job and free as a bird. I have to work. The past two days I've called him a couple of times and I can't get ahold of him until later in the day. Makes me feel like he's up to something. I sent him a ugly text message. He called and he feels like I'm picking a fight with him for no reason. Perhaps I am?

 

We're to be married in less than a month. I am having all these wierd feelings kinda like I did before I had the breakdown last year. Work is wicked stressful- and I've applied for a new job at my company to get out of the stress.

 

You have alot of knowledge about PTSD- which they have always said I had. Could the death of my abuser be bringing some of this on??

 

I do not know how to begin to explain how I feel to him without sounding like a crazy witch, which I know I am not.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

Otter, is there something you are not telling me? I don't expect complete candour butif there is something you are not telling me then fine. I understand. Anonymity provides only so much comfort.

 

I say this because I just get the sense that SOMETHING is fuelling a brush with pain in you. Something has made you want to pay the higher tab. Is that it? you feel as though you owe more than you are being made to pay? Can I ask: are you feeling guilty about something? Are you feeling something you haven't felt before about something.

 

Excuse me if I am pressing too hard. I would be unhappy if I did not ask.

 

how is your puppy? happy to be back?

 

Oh wait, I think I know what is going on. I'll ask this: do you have SPECIFIC plans for this weekend or are you looking at doing things 'in the meantime'? Again if I am wrong just don't call me p-funk (that was almost as funny as travis barker).

 

Honestly? I am guilty about doing the coke. It's the catholic in me. I feel guilty about everything. Nothing could motivate me to cheat on my lover at this point and that is what is confusing me. I would never have been this honest with any other partner I've had. In the past, I would have lied about the night doing coke. In the past I would not have even had the slightest inkling to BE honest. Lying was second nature to me.

 

I am frightened of my own feelings. I've never felt the impulse to be faithful and true. In fact I have cheated on almost every man I've been with - if not physically, then definately emotionally. And I am confused myself - he isnt even HERE and I want to be faithful. How could he inspire this in me? Or is it me that has inspired this in myself? The painful honesty. Why do I want to be honest with him? Why do I want to be faithful?

 

I doubt myself, p. I have no specific plans, nor am I looking at "in the meantime." The thought leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

 

The only person in the world who has ever made me feel so awful about being a disappointment - is my papa. He never once raised his voice in anger to me. He would say I had disappointed him and I would want to melt into the ground and disappear. My lover said I had disappointed him with the cocaine....the seizure disorder you see...and I felt that feeling, of wanting to just disappear out of sadness and self-loathing.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

You have alot of knowledge about PTSD- which they have always said I had. Could the death of my abuser be bringing some of this on??

 

I do not know how to begin to explain how I feel to him without sounding like a crazy witch, which I know I am not.

 

Yes. In many ways, with child molestation that occured over a period of time, there are long-acting issues that re-surface. Marriage can be a massive trigger. This article may be of interest to you:

 

When a sexually abused child weds

 

"Untreated sexual abuse," says Padma Moyer, MFCC, a San Francisco therapist who works with adults survivors of incest, "is a time bomb. Sometimes it ticks so quietly that even the victim doesn’t hear it. But if it isn’t defused, eventually there’s an explosion." The fallout from this explosion was reported in the book, Father-Daughter Incest (Harvard University Press, 1982), by Judith Herman. She found that 65% of adult incest survivors suffered from severe depression; 55% had sexual problems; 35% became promiscuous; 20% became alcoholics and/or drug addicts. For many adults who were molested as children, self-destructive behavior is the only visible clue that abuse has occurred. Selective amnesia is common among survivors, whose memories may be blocked by years of threats to "keep Daddy’s secret–or else," and by the tendency of the childhood psyche to repress traumatic experiences.

 

Marriage is the spark that ignites the time bomb within many survivors, says Eugene Porter, MFCC, an Oakland, California therapist who counsels couples in which one or both partners is an incest survivor. "Making the commitment to marriage brings up all the issues connected with the betrayal of being molested: intimacy, trust, sexuality,"

 

Marriage can be seen as an obligation to take care of your partner's needs - which can awaken those pressured feelings from being assualted by a loved one.

 

Ambivalence would probably, for me, come from hearing of the death of one of my abusers. Triumph and guilty pleasure, on one hand, and rage, and sadness at the same time.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I'm feeling that- guilty pleasure. I hope he rots in hell. My mother I was able to forgive- though she enabled the abuse and was mentally ill. I just never could get to the point of letting go of how I felt about him. That and he has denied it the entire time. Never admitted the truth, unless he did so on his death bed.

 

Part of that article you linked to makes perfect sense to me. Everytime I start feeling close- I feel like, whoa don't let your guard completely down- you will get hurt. I mean, I was almost about to accuse him of cheating on me. WTF was I thinking?

 

The thing is, I've had counseling- twice. I've been off and on anti depressants for the last nine years- since the birth of my first child. I'm still not over it- will I ever be over it? Probably not.............

 

I told him in the beginning that he was getting into something with me he'd never experienced before- that it was hard to love someone who'd been through everything I'd been through. I don't think he got it.

 

I don't know how to discuss this with him and make him understand........I just don't even know if I can talk about it without breaking down.

[prisoner]

idle hands are for the devil's work? is that the saying. my mother used to explain that an idle man's heart is the devil's workshop. i have heard playground, too. either way we need to get you some plans.

 

read MOby Dick to your dad. or the Hunt for Red October.

 

kill some chickens with your sister and then cook them twelve different. buy a note book and fill it with ideas. sell all your cds and then buy new ones. sell all your books and buy new ones.

 

It is not the same I know. i fill all of my hourglasses with things that take forever and a day. i only cook from scratch. i bake. i make longt lists of things to do and then do them slowly.

 

i walk every aisle at the supermarket. i do scrabble drills (write every word you can think of corresponding with the alphabet). i call everyone i know.

 

doe sit work? it fills the hourglasses, sure. doe sit make missing her easier? no.

 

the truth is I can hear my heart beating. each beat a beat closer to brighter days where time is the enemy. i prefer that time erode our time together than simply pass away our time apart with indifference.

[blind_otter]

Mz P - I sent you a PM.

 

Prisoner, I think my decision to get zooted on Monday was in some ways related to the therapeutic process. I find myself terrified of the sessions. I dread them. I have been lately focusing on my immediate issues, distracting her from my past. Distracting ME.

 

I fear the intimacy really. I fear being with him, I fear that I will f*** it all up as I have consciously chosen to f*** up SO many things in my life...

[prisoner]

have you ever considered that the compromise at therapy is sparking the fear of Scot?

 

I mean, are you afraid of what you are CAPABLE of here? Just that? Or that you are doing it in one place and could easily be doing it in another? have you ever seriously considered the fact that there are things that you do to destroy what you have WITHOUT the intent?

 

I have.

 

It is an instinct. A mechanism. It is reptilian. i feel it if I pay attention. survival? perhaps. i had my brushes with things that go bump in the night. I guess what i am asking:

 

are you using your therapist? I have. it is a dangerous game, you know?

 

Don't get me wrong. I am all for a dividing line and I can honestly say (and from experience) that CBT would be redundant for you. I wonder, though. The less you do with them, is it the mnore you are doing alone? have you had an episode recently? a dream? a brush? did something scare you? make you jump?

 

It is what you write that inspires my questions. It is imporeatant that you understand that i agree with you. What you did Monday addresses therapy sure but how much do you think therapy addresses Scot? I mean, whatever you do is part of the process. just because some steps don't make it on to the map does not mean they are any less significant, right?

 

You HAD to do it, right? You HAD to. now you have. you are doing what you HAVE to do since, right?

 

I am doing what i HAVE to do too Otter. You are not alone. Small comfort I know but it is the truth.

 

I look at teevee and see Vegas just calling. One phone call. One credit card number and I am away. car to the airport. don't even pack. back to my old self? no faster. smarter. do I HAVE to go9? no. only if I go. get it?

 

I will not go because I know what is at stake. I know I won't have to unless I actually go and then i will go through it. get it?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

have you ever considered that the compromise at therapy is sparking the fear of Scot?

 

I mean, are you afraid of what you are CAPABLE of here? Just that? Or that you are doing it in one place and could easily be doing it in another? have you ever seriously considered the fact that there are things that you do to destroy what you have WITHOUT the intent?

 

are you using your therapist? I have. it is a dangerous game, you know?

 

Don't get me wrong. I am all for a dividing line and I can honestly say (and from experience) that CBT would be redundant for you. I wonder, though. The less you do with them, is it the mnore you are doing alone? have you had an episode recently? a dream? a brush? did something scare you? make you jump?

 

get it?

 

I dunno, prisoner. I freaked out yesterday and cried like a baby on the phone and I could hear the ache in his voice. It hurt him, cut him to the quick, to hear my sobs and yet be able to do nothing. He hated the feeling of being ineffectual, of not being able to be here with me now.

 

I am afraid of giving him what I have never given any one -- my trust -- and having it thrown away like every man who has professed sexual desire for me has done. Tossing me away like used kleenex after they were done with me.

 

I don't know what I'm doing in therapy. I'm fighting with her. She wants to do CBT re-experience fo the trauma, I refuse. I keep refusing. The last session ended abruptly when I stormed out saying that she was a f***ing ****ty therapist for egging me on to do something I know I cannot do right now.

 

If I could take 3 months off of work, I would do it. But I can't go back to that dark place in my head and still function. And something is different now. THe door is opened a crack and there are monsters peeking from behind the dark.

 

Coke doesn't mak eme feel good. It makes me talk. I sobbed. My psycho ex's best friend showed up and grilled me about my ex for 4 hours. I cried. I hated him. I hate the memories. I hate my ex.

[prisoner]

okay so we are going to have to open the shell to get to the nut, right?

 

does this sound familiar?

 

I had a relationship. It was fun. it was good. It had alll the makings of true love. It wasn't of course. She betrayed me in a way only i could have devised. I forgave her. I forgave me. I moved on.

 

Fast forwarda couple of uears. there i am in another relationship. this time I am more attentive. I am more caring. I drink less. I do more. I cook for her. We start taking care of each other. Then something happens only i could devise.

 

Betrayed hurt shocked destroyed blinded maimed tortured and distressed. all at once. the second time after doing all of the things I thought I had avoided that brought it on the previous time. does that make sense?

 

okay some questions: the bisque? was it comforting? the salisbury steak you used to make for that b@#$%^d? was that comforting for him?

 

your ex? did you always know it would end?

 

as for CBT: you are already reliving each trauma in tiny pieces? it is like watching a film but only one minute a day? you don't need it all threaded together. you would regress farther than anyone thinks. modern therapists have a line they cross. it is that they do not hear the word: enough. they immerse themselves too much and too often. they want it to be experiential for them. they cannot walk in your shoes. never mind fit in to them.

'

I am also quite concerned that you have been approached by a potential defense witness. you should tell the ADA. If i knew you I would drive you there and wait outside with carrot cake.

 

i am not patting myself on the back. i just had the feeling there was something missing. a piece of what is not a puzzle or a game. you are walking such a tightrope that you feel vulnerable and while you are happy you are not comfortable. That is the discomfort you feel. how do I know. i am right there with you. Only I think i can see the net.