Hi, my name is Otter and I'm insecurrrrr (ranting about LDRs)

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

I am glad you are feeling better. I would bake you banana bread. I do that for people I know who are blue. They give me Oreos. That helps the best? What is your favourite food?

 

Banana bread would be great. Or carrot cake. Dim sum. pad thai.

 

I know exactly what song I shall sing "Wouldn't it be Nice" by the Beach Boys. I know all the lyrics by heart. I play that song in my head when someone yells at me at work. I get this glazed over expression on my face and tap my fingers ever so subtly in time to the music. When it plays in my head the full instrumentation plays as well. It's a nice song to get stuck in your head.

 

Oh I forgot the finals for soccer were like last weekend, I think. He said there were riots all over Scotland and they had to close down a couple of bars in the little town 40 miles north of Glasgow, where he lives. And he's watching soccer tonight as well What have I gotten myself into? I remember listlessly watching football with my exhusband and his friends because there were no other enternatinment alternatives. Blah. I suppose I have to learn about soccer now. It's a strange game. Then again, so is football and so is baseball. Basketball, for some reason, makes perfect sense to me.

[prisoner]

gravity is not exclusive to planets and suns.

 

those riots were my friends all celebrating without me.

 

that game tonight has made him see the reason for dreaming.

 

you have nothing to fear. if basketball makes sense, then sharing does. and if sharing makes sense, then so will soccer.

 

ask him what happened this weekend. it was amazing. It is the kind of story people like to tell no matter what end they were on.

 

tonight's game will be a bigger and brighter story to tell. no matter what happens. Football and baseball do not have stories like these. Red Sox fans might disagree.

 

Sing your song. be yourself. enjoy your sunny evening.

[blind_otter]

Liverpool played AC Milan in the Euorpean club cup final. Milan was up 3 nil until like the last 20-30 minutes of the game, then Liverpool scored three in a row and ended up winning right at the very end. Did I watch this game? Nooooo. I got the play by play from my dearheat, though.

 

I called him all upset and teary. I tried to sing when I got home but I was going through bills, etc., and it was simply awful. He was immediately quite serious and so gentle and he cheered me up and had me laughing within 10 minutes. It's amazing what a little TLC can do.

 

Even though animal control took one of my dogs into quarantine because I didn't have proof of his rabies shots.

 

After another 2 1/2 hour phone conversation I felt better. I feel better about our relationship every day. We are so similar, even though our lives have been so different until now. I miss cuddling with him and I just wish I could be held for a little while, even a few seconds, every now and then.

 

I've never experienced such intense emotional intimacy. I always just replaced that with physical intimacy. I am in new territory.

[prisoner]

twenty years ago last night 39 people died before Liverpool lost to Juventus in the 1985 final. They lost to a penalty. That was the last time they played in something this big. twenty years to vindication. have you ever wanted something for twenty years? how many times was faith won and lost in those two decades?

 

last night was something special for a lot of people. Anyway,

 

Yes you are in new territory. You have to learn ther tricks. My love uses some bath oil all the time so i keep a small bottle of the oil so that i can smell and be reminded of her.

 

I leave her stuff around my house so that there is no packing up. IT makes me feel as though she will walk through the door any minute.

 

I bake what she likes. I practice cooking her favourites. She goes to movies I want to see and i read books that she wants to read. we share reviews.

 

there are a lot of things to do that make the days easier. You just have to find some.

 

It sounds as though someone needs a trapper keeper for their pet documentation. Or a friend who is a vet and makes house calls.

 

Are you okay today? I am sorry that you were sad yeaterday. Keep trying to sing. You'll get there.

[blind_otter]

20 years?! Wow. I guess that's why he felt the need to share. All I said was, "How was your football match, darling?" Which unleashed the play by play from dearheart with a fervor I had previously been familiar with only in bed. I listened and asked questions like an obediant girl. I must learn more about my lover's past times.

 

I found a pair of his knickers under the bed the other day. I washed them with my laundry last night and folded them up and put them in a drawer with all my lacy underthingies. He got a kick out of that. I am to bring an extra bag with me to bring back some of his things when I go to visit, because he is trying to get immigration sorted out to come stay with me! He has a job lined up with his Dad. He told me that and I cheered up.

 

And I need a trapper keeper for my LIFE. You should see my desk at home, as the computer has died (the CPU fan fizzled out) the papers keep piling up. My darling has a personal quest to shovel out the shyte in my garage. There is a heavy bag hanging in there, and he wants at it. BAD. He used to box when he was younger and won some kind of Scottish championship when he was 16 or something. But he knocked some teeth loose and was out of it for days and decided not to go that route. Thanks be.

 

If I could have him by my side, I would be happy. Even the moments we spend together where we say nothing at all. I force him to be romantic.

 

He told me that he never talked as much to another living being in his life. I am a chatterbox so this is an entirely alien concept. Who doesn't have 1-2 hour phone conversations with their lover? Who doesn't tell dirty jokes or read Elizabeth Barrett Browning to their lover over the phone??

 

I may be bright, well read, and more educated than him. But LORD he intimidates me with his knowledge of international politics. Gawd, he knows more about the politics of THIS country than I DO!! Which I love.

 

There is a special quality - less anxious in this relationship than I have ever been. He makes it easy to let the past be done. He makes is easy to watch the world with a loving eye. He makes everything easier.

[prisoner]

Whatever you have to do to close the distance is the important thing.

 

Otter there is something i have noticed though. I have commented on it before and I will again.

 

Please do not let this man make you responsible for his openness and happiness. It is imporatant that while you heal for you that he be different with you for himself. it is very important that he understand that you cannot be compared with anyone else or that the way he acted before is anything other than the way he acted before.

 

if you have opened up something in him then it is important that he embrace it no matter what the consequences.

 

discovery is great. it is wonderful. it sometimes is very personal and giving. it can also be a burden for everyone involved.

 

it is exciting to hear you explain that things are easier. i want things to be easier for you in spite of him so that with him things are glorious.

 

life is better when we share. things are wonderful when they are yours. as you deserve them.

 

love: the power to have without the premise that there's nothing for free. Roddy Frame

[blind_otter]

I bought my horrifically expensive ticket to Glasgow today! I will be eating brown rice and mac'n'cheese for the next 2 weeks! Frikkin' almost $1000 for a round trip ticket! My savings were eaten away by this! And you know what? The only thing I thought, listening to the phone say that the balance in my account was $5, was that it's worth it to me. Got my paycheck and spent the lot.

 

I try not to feel responsible for his openness or happiness. It's a habit I have leftover from many failed codependent relationships.

 

He was supposed to call me last night at 6pm. I waited 15 minutes and started freaking out so I just left. I drove to a friend's house and watched reruns on TV for 2 hours. I don't like that panicky feeling. It went away though, I relaxed and figured it wasn't a big deal but then when I got home he had called not 15 minutes after I left. I felt like a heel. But I don't wait around for a phone call any more. That is not something I can do. I called him when I got home to tell him that I was home and we spoke briefly. (Briefly being 45 minutes, hah).

 

When I think about him my whole body tingles. Still! I am not one to get carried away by fantasies. I am surprised that I am still so faithfully infatuated with him. I don't feel the urge to do anything with anyone else - unusual for me.

 

Probably my history creeping up on me, but when another man shows obvious sexual or emotional interest in me the only thing I feel is guilt, for some reason, that I can't make them happy by responding in kind. but I can't. my heart is taken.

[prisoner]

I must admit that this thread has crept in to my daily thoughts. I caught myself composing a note over tea the other day and I wondered (immediately) whether I had something to share that hadn't yet evolved in to a cohesive product. Or would it be coherent? At the risk of being incoherent I think i know what it is.

 

Are people around you noticing a difference? Are people around of youaware of the difference in you recently? Have you been hiding it? Is it possible to do so?

 

I mean you went from 'emoptionally unavailable' to a risk taking no drinking therapy going member of a responsive and inspiring relationship and it all has come out of nowhere (considering you did not expect to be where you are today).

 

Then I wondered if you were okay. if this weekend was filled with enough to make it so that time did not become the enemy.

 

I think the risk you are taking is worth it. Are you jumping up and down?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

I must admit that this thread has crept in to my daily thoughts. I caught myself composing a note over tea the other day and I wondered (immediately) whether I had something to share that hadn't yet evolved in to a cohesive product. Or would it be coherent? At the risk of being incoherent I think i know what it is.

 

Are people around you noticing a difference? Are people around of youaware of the difference in you recently? Have you been hiding it? Is it possible to do so?

 

I mean you went from 'emoptionally unavailable' to a risk taking no drinking therapy going member of a responsive and inspiring relationship and it all has come out of nowhere (considering you did not expect to be where you are today).

 

Then I wondered if you were okay. if this weekend was filled with enough to make it so that time did not become the enemy.

 

I think the risk you are taking is worth it. Are you jumping up and down?

 

I'm quite excited - not jumping up and down; I have that secret little smile tucked in my heart. I did have a lot of time on my hands this weekend but I am dealing with it in a surprisingly healthy way. I cleaned house. Not the whole thing, I just focused on the kitchen, which is enough, believe me. I worked out a few times, watched what I ate, watched a few movies that I enjoyed very much, and spent time with my family. And yes, everyone has noticed. I am tamer now, not as wild or carefree. I am calmer. I am almost sedate. I also am often very far away. I find myself lost in abstraction and am having difficulty staying in the "now" as the buddhists so often refer to it. The present moment seems so banal compared to what will be. My family is much happier with me. So much so that, even though my parents met him brifly only twice, they are quite happy with my lover. They are, I suppose, because I seem so much more at ease, and am attending to things in a more responsible manner, at least in my personal life. They are pleased that I am not drinking for a while. My head is obviously clearer.

 

With mum this has resulted in a goldmine of foodstuffs. She cooks, I reap benefits. Hey, it's healthier than the shyte I was subsisting off of prior to this. And exercising has made me slimmer, and time at the beach has made me browner. I have a healthy glow about me. It's been noted by quite a few people. Mainly with vague "You look great!" statements, but I secretly know why the transformation has become so obvious to others. I am content, for the first time in over 2 years.

 

I must admit I am flattered that this has caught your attention this much thusfar. Thank you for wondering after me. It makes me happy to know that.

 

I am spending time with friends, which is fun. I have no money, but I found a few checks I could cash to tide me over. This the boon of cleaning up my kitchen. I found checks, only *I* could lose money like that.

 

My friend R asked me what it was about my lover that drew me. She knew me from right after my split with my exhusband, pining after him. The love I had for my exhusband was passionate, intense, consuming love. Not the love to build a life together. The affection and love I have for my lover, now, is not as intense or all-encompassing, at least for me. It's more mature. Or perhaps, I am. Chicken, or the egg?

 

It sounds silly to blame my lover for being so much more interested in making myself healthy. It's more like he inspires me to be the better person inside my head, rather than the worst. Does that make any sense?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Chicken, or the egg?

Definitely the Chicken, B_O, ..... they have ugly ass feet also

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by alphamale

Definitely the Chicken, B_O, ..... they have ugly ass feet also

 

Oh ALPHA, I luuuurve youuuuuu.

[prisoner]

whenever you ask if something makes sense, the talking heads pops in to my mind and i want to explain that i am sure that so many things made perfect sense throught he years of torment and horror and shame that preceded your current state.

 

I have to tell you that things you write, if they do not make sense to me, are better than the things that do because it means yourmind is at work.

 

You are thinking and developing and following through on thoughts that are making you not only share but glow inside like the sun that is making your skin ache.

 

what is a cloudberry, anyway?

 

besides you are walking a similar path to my own. the aches that accompany leaving an 'amour fou' (all consuming, crazy love) are enough to get you feeling the 'then' pain just to sedate the 'now' pain.

 

 

egg. definitely egg. you are breaking through.

 

oh and yes it makes sense.

 

It is all attached to the discomfort you previously described AND the realisation that life is not about getting to the end. you are not watching a film, reading a book. it is like listening to a great album. you hate when it ends. all the songs belonged together, both the good and the bad, and now they are finished. what is your favourite album?

 

mine? today(it changes alot)?

 

debut. gudmondotter tells it like it is.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

whenever you ask if something makes sense, the talking heads pops in to my mind and i want to explain that i am sure that so many things made perfect sense throught he years of torment and horror and shame that preceded your current state.

 

I have to tell you that things you write, if they do not make sense to me, are better than the things that do because it means yourmind is at work.

 

You are thinking and developing and following through on thoughts that are making you not only share but glow inside like the sun that is making your skin ache.

 

what is a cloudberry, anyway?

 

besides you are walking a similar path to my own. the aches that accompany leaving an 'amour fou' (all consuming, crazy love) are enough to get you feeling the 'then' pain just to sedate the 'now' pain.

 

 

egg. definitely egg. you are breaking through.

 

oh and yes it makes sense.

 

It is all attached to the discomfort you previously described AND the realisation that life is not about getting to the end. you are not watching a film, reading a book. it is like listening to a great album. you hate when it ends. all the songs belonged together, both the good and the bad, and now they are finished. what is your favourite album?

 

mine? today(it changes alot)?

 

debut. gudmondotter tells it like it is.

 

Mine? Lately? Bad Religion, "The Process of Belief". Mine changes often and more likely than not I am more fond of mixes I make rather than entire albums. Legacy of a committment issue. Sorrow, Kyoto Now!, Evangaline, The Defense, The Lie...I love albums that I can sing along to.

 

I think my biggest problem is that I have lived so much of my life trying to get to a "and they all lived happily ever after..." sort of end. Ridiculous, quite childish and absurd. Life is about the living, not the dead. I remember wishing heartily when I was quite young, that I was already old, with the ghosts of a rich and wonderful past to keep me company in the quiet twilight of my old age. To be alone yet have memories of times when I was not. It turns out that I have to live this life in order to have the memories to keep me company "when I am old and grey, and full of sleep" as Yeats said so eloquently. And I shied away from pain so intense that it literally erased whole swaths of memory from my brain. Better to amputate the whole month or two, rather than pick out the bad bits, right? less effort.

 

In any case, are we talking about the same "Debut"? Human Behavior? Big Time Sensuality? Venus as a Boy?

 

I tend to watch movies over and over, and read books over and over. It's like I love them so much that I never want them to end. Oh to achieve the elusive state of non-attachment. Yet it seems to utterly human to get attached...

[prisoner]

in spain they say, 'let them eat partridge' instead of 'happily ever after'.

 

hard to catch, impossible to clean. has to be cooked just right (the secret is bacon under the skin) and there is very little meat. but that is what the spanish say.

 

what they mean is while you are busy chasing partridge and cleaning it badly and cooking it wrong and never being satisfied with the result, just eat what you have and be grateful for the life you have in the mean time. love and loss and all.

 

You yourself are a miracle.

 

You are seeing so many things theses days and the 'happy ever after' paragraph is a wonderful victory for you. You deserve something wonderful to happen to you today. Celebrate with a sing song in the car or something. big smile.

 

step by step, though.

 

as for dumping the whole memory instead of editing the good bits out? I hope we all do that.

 

I hope all I have left is the good memories. that is why they invented cameras. Could you imagine someone snapping away at your worst moments?

 

as for your taste in music: you should make soundtracks for a living.

 

It is a one year course onhow to produce and then you should build soundtracks. It is like writing, you get to listen to cool tunes and discover new talent and the psychology degree is your cutting edge.

 

You would need a big trapper keeper, though. You still have to write those books though. They are still important. Oh and will you keep a journal when you take your big trip?

[blind_otter]

I shall keep a journal. I am too verbose and romance novel-y to NOT keep one. Besides how else will I, the one with a terminal short term memory, remember the sights I see or even why I saw them?

 

I have to tone down my anxieties. I have to convince myself not to convince myself. I always used to believe that if I prepared for the worst, I would be able to handle the worst better, and be pleasantly surprised by the best. Now I am really trying to expect the best. In spite of. In spite of the continuous stream of moral and emotional disappointments (to put them lightly) that I have been exposed to over the years.

 

I have gone through so much awful horrible stuff. I want to believe I deserve an easier happier time, at least for the moment. Of course what I deserve and what fate flings at me like a monkey flings poo, are two entirely different things. Oh how I long for the equanimity of surety.

[prisoner]

there is that joke. the pessimist and the optimist are waiting for Godot. the pessimist says, "this can't get any worse, this can't take any longer". the optimist says "yes it can! of course it can"!

 

you have come such a long way that now you "believe"? just wait until you know. fate's arrows will slide off of you. you will play with them.

 

you are only beginning to find your strengths. you are only emerging from the desert. the dreams and the wonders of the peaceful world are all yours, Otter. they are waiting to be discovered by you and only you.

 

I know you deserve the best. You will KNOW too, soon enough.

 

 

How are you doing today? Any shaking? How are you sleeping? Eating? Are you taking care?

 

You do not have to long for anything. YOU have more to offer than most. You are intelligent, quick witted, self aware and generous with both your feelings and your intellect. That surety is there. You are just scraping away the layers so that you can feel it and see it.

 

Being vulnerable and knowing how to protect yourself is better than being protected and not knowing what to do when all else fails. does that make sense?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

Being vulnerable and knowing how to protect yourself is better than being protected and not knowing what to do when all else fails. does that make sense?

 

It makes perfect sense. Of course it wouldn't have made any sense to me about a year ago. I would have been boggled to my very roots. It still strikes me that you have a great ability to help people, not necessarily to tell them what to do or even how to do it, but you ask the most perfect questions. And make the most stunning realizations flood with light inside my brain.

 

I haven't been shaking. It seems that, with more therapy session (though I shy away from certain topics, still), I become innured to the shaking. I have been eating healthy, not eating out, and smaller portions. Although I have been skipping breakfast lately. My boss insists that I stop eating at my desk, so I have to hide the food under the desk. It's hilarious. Almost Seinfeld-ian. It seems like the better I am, emotionally, the healthier I become all around. I've been doing yoga for an hour a day again recently....when I was ending my marriage I was doing yoga almost 3 hours a day, and attending meditation circles regularly and studying Buddhist sutras. I've only recently begun to review some books I have in that respect, again. Now I'm getting into exercising every day. My body is leaner and I have more energy, and can concentrate better.

 

I've gone down to smoking 2/3 cigarettes a day, although after therapy sessions I tend to chain smoke liberally. I've been eating a lot of my mother's food. This past labor day she grilled a whole bunch. I got a huge steak, some bratwurst and some chicken (which my sister slaughtered herself. She had to slaughter 18 of them AND clean them and now has lost her taste for chicken ). Collard greens, cucumber salad. Yum

 

My father spoke up today and asked after my lover. He was lost in abstract thought for a moment after I answered him and he mumbled, "Well I thought he was in the merchant marines for some reason." Oh, Daddy. He lost his way driving me home from work last week. Forgot where Main Street was. I was a bit blue about this. My Dad was a sharp man, very gallant and handsome with an interesting view of the world. He was worldly and always said I should consider myself a citizen of the world, rather than a citizen of the US. Smart man. Not so much any more.

 

My lover surprised me by calling me yesterday. I had thought we had agreed to talk today, skip a day - you know, try not to overdo things. He is a sweet man, though, very loving and not at all as flowery in his prose as I am. Much more straightforward and direct. The kind of person i am fascinated by because I am so florid and overblown and talkative. I am considering moving out to the county, outside of town. My mother wants to buy some property and put me there instead of the house I currently live in (which my parents own as well). He told me to go ahead and look at the property and not to worry about living out there alone as he wants to stay with me once he moves here in August.

 

Things are calmer in my life. I am happy. I am content. A far cry from the torn, confused, pregnant individual who was posting here last year.

[prisoner]

you inspire the questions. i am a blank slate.

 

You are an intelligent and powerful person who make sthe mind work and wander and discover and wonder, too.

 

My father does those things too. Here is a man that spoke several languages and has played the most complicated game (bridge) at the highest level (cleveland) and he cannot keep where I am or what i am doing straight in his head. My girlfriend sees him every now and again (he is in the UK) and she has to repeat herself all the time. He is wonderful, yes but I am afraid that he is coming and going so much more than lasdt year. Or the year before.

 

I have no siblings. I do all of the cooking. My uncle died so i am living in his house and my mom came over this weekend and I cooked alot and ended up giving it to her so that she could share it with the residents at the nursing home (veterans) she runs.

 

When I am reunited with my honey we will be living together too. That is far fgrom step by step but I have to accept that our relationship has suffered distance for too ,ong already that the closeness extreme beckons. I read your note about your mattress and I remember thinking 'that is something I won't be able to do again'. How will you handle someone being there agin or are you willing to just let it happen and see where it takes you.

 

Thomas Jefferson told us that we should not be afraid of the truth, no matter where it takes us. I suspect his context was another galaxy from mine but I also think that reality is truth so we should not be afraid of where that takes us.

 

a year ago? i was told that my work could not be ignored and that i was going to HAVE to stay in the states and do some work.

 

i asked how long. they said July. which became September and then October and then after what was supposed to be the end became February and then April and then May. now they say July again.

 

I suspect that I should be prepared for at least another delay. tick tock. tick tock.

[blind_otter]

Actually I am pretty easy going when it comes to living with someone. I can adjust to so many different ways of living, now. I never had my own room until I was about 14. My mother (who also works with veterans, how interesting...) sponsored her family to come to the states in '87 and there were 9 of us in a 3 bedroom house for 3 years, and half of the people living with me didn't speak english!

 

As for sleeping in the living room, I think mayhap I started that because it was simply too painful to sleep in the master bedroom again. Too many memories, good or bad. Now I have this thing against closing the windows and a/c (I love how my BF says "air con" for some reason. ) makes me feel stifled. My lover is almost paternally indulgent of my wild flights of fancy. "Let's lay on the roof and get a moon tan" kind of thing. I feel like it's his version of hairpats and hugs for the crazy girl.

 

Therefore, I guess we shall just go with the flow. He's only going to stay with me 4 or 5 days out of the week at first. Although the temptation is to just dive right on in.

 

I showed my family his picture, though my parents have met him. My sister said he looked exactly like my Dad in his youth. We compared pictures and he bears a striking resemblance. Oh, well. At least I know what he'll look like when he's 70.

 

I'm glad to be free of men for a while, and live off the tenuous sustenence of a fantasy. How ridiculous is that? I hopped from relationship to relationship when I was younger. Maybe it's old age. I'm too tired to wrangle testosterone poisoned ballsacks.

[prisoner]

you write things and sometimes they take a while to sink.

 

there are too many opinions about what works in therapy. i say what is making you evolve is working the best. do not be afraid of shying away from various things. i know you are being brave.

 

i mean it sounds as though you are re-discovering the things that you know are YOU. It is such a shame when we lose the things that are inherent. It sounds to me like you are really enjoying things at the moment. am i right?

 

moving sounds like a good idea too. are we talking out of a city in to a suburb? do i smell baking? are you someone who enjoys that 'energy' a city has to offer? would you miss the easy access to subtitles or is everything accessible where you live?

 

i guess i am asking: beyond what you would miss is there a comfort you feel that would be replaced by a new comfort or is it that you feel as though it is time to GET OUT? get the fresh start to a new level of freshness? note, i know your life cannot fit in to a ziploc.

 

as for what is ridiculous and what isn't Ihave to say that misery and endless woe are more ridiculous than your finding a way to be happy. i think that if you are experiencing more comfort because of the distance alone, i would be concerned more than i am but because it is as though the emotion is closing the distance and making it easier for you to realise that this phase simply gets you to the next phase.

 

 

as for what you were like when you were younger, weren't we all like that? punching above our weight and jumping from thing to thing?

 

in my case it was because i did not know what made me ME. beyond the cliche i rebelled against the things that made me happy. i deve;loped the art of self destruction to an art where I would end up with the wrong girl in the wrong place with the wrong music and just smile that i was at the wrong end of the spectrum and that I had made it that way. it was easy not to be attached to that life. when it died i was so aware of HAPPY. so when the unravelling and the self destruction appeared the thing was i was dismantling the nightmare. the dream always remained that way. now i like to think that i live the dream (ha!) and the nightmare is so easy to spot. what a fool i am.

 

beyond the cliche and the madness, how is it for you? did you always know relationships were doomed? I did.

 

did you always dismantle things deliberately? i did.

 

does that make sense?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

It sounds to me like you are really enjoying things at the moment. am i right?

 

Yes and no. I am enjoying things with my boyfriend. He amazes me. He is emotionally mature, and very calm. I am used to addicts who are frantic and anxious and fearful, who cling to me because my daily routine implies some sort of stability (which is actually just a front, you know the adage "fake it 'til you make it"). He gives me more loving support than I am used to.

 

moving sounds like a good idea too. are we talking out of a city in to a suburb? do i smell baking? are you someone who enjoys that 'energy' a city has to offer? would you miss the easy access to subtitles or is everything accessible where you live?

 

I live in a relatively small town. Made bigger by the university that I work at, but not heavily populated - very spread out. Surprisingly liberal for the South. But I get overwhelmed easily and living on 5 acres in the country would be nice. My Mom is still vigorously fixing up the house I live in. I got a new dishwasher yesterday, and she plans on putting recessed lighting in the kitchen. I need my plumbing worked on (literally and figuratively, )

 

as for what is ridiculous and what isn't Ihave to say that misery and endless woe are more ridiculous than your finding a way to be happy. i think that if you are experiencing more comfort because of the distance alone, i would be concerned more than i am but because it is as though the emotion is closing the distance and making it easier for you to realise that this phase simply gets you to the next phase.

 

Well I have heard from other LS members that a LDR is not a relationship at all. I wonder, though. I've had my share of F2F relationships, that lacked the emotional intimacy that I have built with this man. I had relied, previously on my sex and sexuality to make up for a desperate fear of emotional intimacy. This is the only option I have with this man, and yet I feel closer to him than anyone else I've dated. It's like exposure therapy. I have been forcing myself to do what I feared most. Of course you help a lot in this process.

 

 

in my case it was because i did not know what made me ME. beyond the cliche i rebelled against the things that made me happy. i deve;loped the art of self destruction to an art where I would end up with the wrong girl in the wrong place with the wrong music and just smile that i was at the wrong end of the spectrum and that I had made it that way. it was easy not to be attached to that life. when it died i was so aware of HAPPY. so when the unravelling and the self destruction appeared the thing was i was dismantling the nightmare. the dream always remained that way. now i like to think that i live the dream (ha!) and the nightmare is so easy to spot. what a fool i am.

 

No! You have described me! Oh the ridiculous moments of self-destructive rebellion. Some of the things I did to myself and others, in retrospect, look just plain stupid. No other word to describe it.

 

beyond the cliche and the madness, how is it for you? did you always know relationships were doomed? I did.

 

did you always dismantle things deliberately? i did.

 

does that make sense?

 

I always knew that relationships were doomed. I even spoke of divorce before I ever married. In my journal I read the lamentations of a woman trapped in someone else's ideal. I forgot this fact, but I begged to put off the wedding prior to getting married because I knew that it would never work. But the fantasy of the white wedding overwhelmed me. I wish I had saved it for someone I truely knew I wanted to be with forever. I hoped, but I knew it wasn't so.

 

And yes, I dismantle things deliberately. I call it "pushing away". A deliberate and conscious attempt to sabotage myself. Instead of doing this, with my lover, I tend to just write things to him in a cool, well cold, really, tone. I become matter of fact, and I explain things in detail. The details, you know....Just today I told him that he needed to be appreciative of me, and that he cannot stop courting me just because he feels at ease. He responded in kind and was very lovely.

 

You make an absurd amount of sense, you know.

[prisoner]

okay, let's put something to rest right now.

 

You are not in an LDR. You are simply overcoming some distance until things work themselves out. You have plans to be together again. You will be together again. You were together before. You ahve made a choice. One that requires honsety and bravery and yes, a little more exercise (3 hours a day?) than most. Just because you have loyalty and morality in your corner does not make it dysfunctional. Some people are in LDRs and they live in the same da#n house. (Yes that gets my gander-word of the day- up).

 

now for something I have wanted to write for a while (not holding back just making sure I know what i am talking about): I think you have, for a very long time, needed a relationship where the other person doesn't need anything other than to be in a relationship with you. not because they are half a person or they are overcoming some co dependent or symbiotic traume, but because they like the world better when they share it with you. am i right?

 

it took me along time to get to the point where i feared the way things WERE. now i hate the thought of being alone and having things the way alone me likes them. i would dismantle that. with a wrecking ball. it is a year since I had a drink. i never thought i would say that. ever. i am afraid what life would be like if i still drank.

 

you describe me too.

 

as for courting, it should never stop.

 

even after the plumber has been and gone, there is still time to hold hands and kiss under the sun.

 

that sits over a kitchen sink I grew up at.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

now for something I have wanted to write for a while (not holding back just making sure I know what i am talking about): I think you have, for a very long time, needed a relationship where the other person doesn't need anything other than to be in a relationship with you. not because they are half a person or they are overcoming some co dependent or symbiotic traume, but because they like the world better when they share it with you. am i right?

 

even after the plumber has been and gone, there is still time to hold hands and kiss under the sun.

 

What a relief to hear it verbalized so. For a long time I held a burden of guilt for my failed relationships and this is precisely why they failed. I can't be something that my partner is lacking. I can't be someone else's self-esteem or sense of worth. I can't be the reason they get out of bed, I can't be their everything. Now, I can be eye-candy to adorn their arm , but that's beside the point. My exhusband needed me to be his self-confidence. My exboyfriend needed me to be his sobriety, and every time he fell off the wagon it was my fault, and I got the smacks upside the head as punishment. Above all I have always wanted someone who "likes the world better when they share it with me."

 

Although my lover did say that I bring out the best in him and make him want to better himself, that is fine with me though. Love, to me, involves two people challenging each other to be better people.

 

Then again, I am a sad, broken woman. Aren't we all broken, though? In some ways? I am overcoming rape trauma and abuse and I lean on my man for support. Yet - leaning on someone for support is a far cry from asking them to be their mental stability!

 

I have a picture of us together, finally, in the corner of my desk. He is smiling and I am making a kissy face.

[prisoner]

do you know how amazing you are?

 

sad and broken help make you the miracle that you are. there could be no other way.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

do you know how amazing you are?

 

sad and broken help make you the miracle that you are. there could be no other way.

 

Thanks, dude. That was sweet...I read some Yeats today "When I am Old..." is one of my favorite poems. So simple and direct. Like something you might write, I imagine, if given to flights of poetry, considering your prose.

 

And if there could be no other way, I know that - I would not have it any other way. I have always said, I love myself as I love others - for all my faults and insecurities that make me ME. Therapy tonight should be interesting....