Hi, my name is Otter and I'm insecurrrrr (ranting about LDRs)

[blind_otter]

I considered telling the state attorney that someone was pushing me to try to get my ex less time in prison. I talked to the Scot about it and he said regardless of what happens he plans on being with me when my ex does get out of prison, I suppose in an effort to reduce the anxiety I have about him getting out and stalking me again. I heard from my ex's friend that my ex is STILL "in love with me" -- even though that assclown doesn't even know what love is or how to express it. In my mind thi smeans my ex is still "obsessed with me". I feel bad telling the state attorney, though. I told on my ex's mother when she was calling me.

 

The Scot is so patient with me, even though he said we should talk less he called me yesterday and is calling me tonight. MOstly he says he's trying to keep me out of trouble. Hah.

 

The bisque was comforting - usually people season butternut squash with curry powder, which is good but the squash is too sweet. The restaurant I go to makes theirs with lots of garlic and butter. Yum. Last night I cooked again and made enchiladas. I am cooking again, a good sign. The assclown's salisbury steak comforted him, too. I also made him mashed potatos with sour cream and cream cheese mixed in, really rich but tasty - he loved those. During his time with me he got a littl ebuddha belly from eating the food I cooked. It's engrained in me - show affection by fattening your lover up.

 

And yes, I always knew it would end. My ex would talk about me being his future wife and I would smirk and joke and laugh it off because I knew that the fantasy was attractive in HIS head, but it could never be reality. I held myself away from him. Because I always said, how can you say you love someone when you hurt them all the time, when you feel its ok to hit them and spit on them and degrade them? When you call them a fat b*tch when they are pregnant with YOUR baby? When they go out and smoke crack and sleep with ugly, fat women when they could be home, with you and your pleasure-loving, beautiful body?

 

The Scot is angry and says that my therapist has an agenda that obviously doesn't involve me. He thinks she is looking at me as a "fascinating project" - someone riddled with trauma, a subject she can write a paper on. I don't doubt it, she IS employed at a research hospital here that is famous for the research it has done in several areas of medicine in the Southeast. You know what they say - publish or perish.

 

After he said that I looked at her with different eyes. She does almost get TOO into my issues. She is always pushing, pushing, pushing. I hate the sensation of being pushed because there is a very real chance that I could snap.

[prisoner]

you deserve a break today. a day in the haystacks. an evening in the jasmine and under the cottonwood trees. you have had a rough week and you might be happier if you could do nothing for a while. or do i have that wrong? are you in the mood to climb a mountain or swim a river? do you just get so that you swear you could dig a ditch? is the enrgy uncontrollable?

 

or does it rub the other way? could you lie comatose in a spa right now and be scrubbed and moisturised head to toe? could you just hop it for the beach and stay for a fire and some s'mores? well past the sun going down?

 

look, you wrote something that has me thinking. you hit on something i have been concerned about.

 

the truth is not a luxury, right? was it Thomas Jefferson who explained 'that we shouldn't fear the truth, no matter where it takes us'?

 

you are not in control of what happens in that courtroom. you are not responsible for what the ex is going through or looking at. you are not responsible for what the jury think. you cannot sway the sentencing. all you can do is tell the truth and you have to do that. not only because you are under oath but because it is how you say STOP!

 

It is how you say ENOUGH! It would only be a sign that you have compassion or sympathy or empathy for him. you do not and you will not. THis is your chnace. Youropportunity. Your first opportunity from what I can gather to say ENOUGH. STOP.

 

You are a powerful and wonderful bright minded individual who knows only the bounds you put in place. there is nothing that can stop you from being happy or being a mother or swimming the channel that you couldn't invent, right?

 

You yourself are a miracle. You know it. YOu know he does not know 'love' or anything other than hate andmalice and spite. he was betrayed and you are simply the next victim. well that is not going to be that way anymore after you show him what you are made of:

 

the very stuff his nightmares are made of. you are his worst fear Otter. I know this from experience. Show no mercy. get a restraining order and he will fold away. like a moth without the mystery. draw the battle line and he will know that you will rush it if need be.

 

i am so proud of you Otter.

[blind_otter]

I have a lifetime restraining order against my ex, that will still be in effect even after he gets out of prison. They set it up so he would have to try to get it overturned in court if he wanted to get it lifted. He can't legally come within 500 feet of me, my vehicle, my parents house, my parents neighborhood, or the entire university campus where I work (oh he hated THAT part and tried to argue with the judge -- said it was "f***ing stupid" -- so the judge had him trespassed off the campus, so that if he DID show up he would immediately be taken into custody rather than escorted off the premises!! )

 

I could lie in a spa all weekend! I went and bought a bunch of DVDs and CDs last night, so I am set for the weekend. "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events", and a new bloody samurai movie, a Japanese anime movie. I plan on trying to lay out in the sun and get a tan for a bit in the backyard by my pool. I need to re-organize my living room and an empty bedroom that I've used to store things. I have a bunch of my exhusbands clothes which he left here before going into prison, he thoguht we might get back together but we have resolved out issues and accepted that we will not be together. He is happy with my relationship with the Scot (he had been quite angry with me about my relationship with psycho ex because of the abuse) - he even wanted to meet the Scot but I said that would be a bad idea.

 

My love said he bought us tickets to a Foo Fighters concert, and to a Killers concert. He is always going to concerts and always listening to music when I talk to him, or strumming his guitar. I wish I knew how to strum...I can only sit and bang out prim and proper Hayden concertos, which aren't relaxing for some reason. I get tense when I play the piano, and I can barely manage to play in front of anyone!

 

I am taking a 2 week break from therapy, because the last time I went we argued badly. I need to re-evaluate the techniques my therapist is using and I am confused about how this is going. I need to find a therapist with more experience treating PTSD patients.

[prisoner]

Otter,

 

it all sounds right. you also need a therapist that does not have an agenda. someone who is there for you. you do alot of being there for people.

 

i hope you have a good weekend. have you decided what dictates your actions yet? from your actions i can derive and regress (my speciality) that you were right: it is hope. maybe some Han but definitely with enough hope to make it so.

 

take care this weekend. you have had a tough week.

[blind_otter]

[SummerRae]

prisoner and B_O,

 

I have been reading your posts and I must say: I LOOOVE THEM! (Don't mean to lurk, I just haven't had something so poetic to say... and clearly what you two write could be made into a book one day...)

 

As a writer, I can see you are both totally writers. Keep posting. What you write about are the kinds of things I think about but often can't express...

 

Missin' your posts (and it's only been 2 days)!!

 

Luv Summer

[prisoner]

Otter: what are you going to do instead of your session tomorrow?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

Otter: what are you going to do instead of your session tomorrow?

 

Sleep, maybe? Try to occupy myself while I go through withdrawals yet again. I was at lunch today eating "the world's largest cheeseburger" because I went the whole weekend and ate only one meal. On sunday. I had a curry and 3 eggrolls. I slept all day sunday and all night sunday night. I had ot have a friend drive me to my car during my lunchbreak because I drove it to the bar saturday night and got so wasted that none of my friends would let me drive.

 

What went through my mind when I was getting trashed? Nothing. Empty mind. There is a part of me that stays sober, no matter how f*cked up I get. The observer. The observer gets irritated with the conversations that she hears, the way coked up assclowns repeat themselves 20 times and yell all the time. The way *I* sound, is quite different. My voice gets very soft. I sound like a child almost. High pitched, soft voiced. I noticed that the men at my cokehead friend's house seemed to flock to me because of this. Because they could order me to get them a beer and I would obediently do it. They could order me to do this or that, change the channel, put this CD on, put that DVD on, close the window, open the window -- it was almost like the were shocked at the way i would just bow down to them. Is this just my instinctual response? I wonder.

[prisoner]

Give me a chance to catch up.

 

First of all while I hope you had a good time and youy proved to yourself that you are not a crazy fool who can't control herself it is imporatnt to ask why you did not eat friday night and saturday day. why? because i want o ask. do you have to answer? no, but it is in your interest that you at the very least eat one meal a day and as much fruit as you can.

 

Now as for the world's largest cheeseburger: good for you although how you think that does not make me hungry too I don't know. It does and that is the menu for this eveniong all taken care of (bbq sauce-check, charcoal-check, lighter fluid-check).

 

But alas while i sit here trying not to fire my boss for missing her deadline (considering i told her what to write a week ago and then wrote it for her) you digress and ask me a question I can only answer with your own answer: yes but it is learned behaviour.

 

have you ever wondered why you cooked for the ex? have you ever actually wondered why you take in animals off the street? have you ever asked yourself what it is that makes you submissive? yes, that is what i said. submissive.

 

do i mean top down submissive? no. do i mean passive? no. I mean submissive. As in (does this sound familiar):

 

 

You kill people with kindness rather than confront them and knowingly detsroy them

 

You take pity on the broken and the weak and end up paying for it. In so many ways.

 

You seem to endure all of the consequences of all the bad things that happen in your relationships and enjoy none of the beneifts when good things happen. especially when you are the reason for the good things and receive no credit for them. no matter how big or small?

 

realtionships cost you everything. they leave you with nothing. people tell you how wonderful and clever and smart you are but they do not listen to your advice even though they solicit it constantly.

 

You continue to give advice to people you know will never listen and are stiil and always will be on the road to nowhere.

 

It is rare that you hear a please or a thank you because you know that people thin k you will never say no.

 

does any of this sound familiar? let me know if it does. we can go from there.

 

pieto a pieto Otter.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

does any of this sound familiar? let me know if it does. we can go from there.

 

pieto a pieto Otter.

 

Yes. I have exhausted myself. I dont give to get, I just give as if by emptying my soul I can erase this guilt I feel. Yesterday laying in bed I had the most bizarre thought - once you indulge in a sin you can never erase it. You can never "make up for it". You have committed that sin, it will forever mar your essence like a cavity. It will eat away at you until it consumes you. And all those people who think they can go out and do good deeds to erase their sins are lying to themselves.

 

There is a series - an anime series - called "Requiem for the Darkness" - that made me think of this.

 

I don't know why I exhaust myself in relationships. I just do. Making other people happy makes me happy. I just cannot seem to find the happiness within myself...

[prisoner]

I agree with you. Our sins cannot be erased by 'good deeds'. There is no scales in our future so that forty two negative confessions later we will be balanced and fit to survive the after life.

 

There is no way to make up for it all. The trick is to move on. To understand that the rivers continue to flow and so should we. You know why Sisyphus is cursed? because he sees nothing beyond the end of his labours. Nothing beyond that rock on the top of that hill.

 

You have to see more. You have to. For the good of the world? The planet can't survive without you? I am sure it can't but that is not why.

 

Because YOU can't survive without you. Because if you do not turn your back on your mistakes and your transgressions and your sins then you are

 

a. cursed to repeat them and b. you will eventually get to that point of no return that you and I both know you have turned away from several times.

 

Note: I am using 'we' from now on as a vehicle to express nothing more than the collective.

 

We let people have as much as they can access. We let people believe that they have reached the bottom of the well. the source of the water. We will do anything for people because we know they have no one else who can come close. We look at them and see the lost and the weak and the 'in need' and we know we have the strength to make it for both of us.

 

They ask for things and we oblige because nothing is a big deal compared to what they are going to have to do for us. the forgiveness they are going to have to find. the compassion. the understanding. making them dinner is nothing compared to what they are going to have to do to make it in the long run.

 

We spare them from the horror they deserve. We let them hit us and think they own us. We let them do their worst because we will not fight. we will not flee. we will stand and let them do their worst and when they are exhausted and done and cannot hurt us anymore then we strike the only way we know how. by showing them how much they are worth. we shake off evrything they have thrown at us and leave them for good.

 

I have been there too Otter. the abuse. the psychological warfare. the endless nights of circular arguments and melodramatic wailing. Fights for no reason out of nowhere. Inevitable behaviors that come and go like thunderstorms. the screaming they do. the screaming we do. the silence that hurts so much. All of it fueled by something we know is not love. that they mistake for something that can have a label: insecurity, maybe. need, perhaps.

 

You and I know different.

 

being with us is like a triathalon. The swim is just the beginning.

 

The strength they are going to need to understand that after all the years of getting to that point when they finally feel as though we are opened up and wonderful and we look the most beautiful in their eyes the hammer drops and they see the truth: at the centre of all that heart and giving is a black spot that cannot be penetrated. it contains pain and rage and sorrow that they cannot comprehend. We drink it away risk it away give it away and we end up wrapping it with afternoons at the beach and nights in beds and generally memories from better days.

 

And then we forget about it for a while. Then someone starts peeling away the layers again and they go the way all the ones who came before went, right? they do not have it in them to get to the other side.

 

YOU do Otter. You have it in you to get to the other side. I always thought I did not but I do. And I will get there. And by hook or by crook so will you.

 

It will be the little things that deliver you. the little things that make YOU.

 

You yourself are a miracle. NO ten minutes from six years ago is going to kill you like the ten minutes from six years from now that you dread so much. I know the feeling. If not now, then, right?

 

The end is always coming, right? have you ever considered that we are wrong? That no matter what there is a way to have hope.

 

Oh I remember now:

 

I know you have a little life in you yet

I know you have a lot of strength left

 

KB- TWW

[blind_otter]

At the retreat I went to yesterday for work we did the Myers-Briggs. I'm an INTP. Apparently INTPs make up 1% of the population, making this one of the rarest types? No wonder I've always felt like an outsider. No one I know really DOES see the world the way I do.

 

So the retreat leader talked about managing conflict in the workplace, etc. She said that resilience is an essential component to surviving in general, which made me think about what you asked a while ago - what motivates me? What drives me? I was surprised, sitting there, alone on the deck on the lodge where our retreat was held (alone, as usual). I was smoking a cigarette, thinking about the baby I lost in December, my due date was yesterday. I was thinking that what drives me is hope. Strange that I realized this. Beyond the horrible things that I, that we all experience, there is always hope. Even in the oubliette there is hope, like in the movie Labyrinth, when Hoggle comes and creates a doorway for Sarah. She just didn't look at it the right way, but there is always some way out.

 

I think that is what trauma teaches you, if you are willing to learn. That the human being can endure the most horrible, stressful, horrific situations - hell on earth, even (as my Dad did, the only man from his platoon to survive the Korean War) - and survive.

 

Time heals all wounds. Or Time wounds all heals. hah. It's all cyclical. Eventually it gets better. Somehow. I wrote that in my journal when I was like 14 years old.

[prisoner]

I know what yesterday was and yes I wondered what you were doing.

 

I am glad to hear that you chose Jung and anime over everything else the universe has to offer.

 

I wanted to say something. I do not know what. It has something to do with the road you are on and the past being the past and we only heal when time turns to giving rather than stealing every precious gift we are lucky to get our hands on. Then you wrote it instead. When you were 14. Where were you then?

 

I have been thinking about your question. About the 'bowing down' to people and the 'instinctual response'.

 

You know, I think you learned it for the same reason I did. These people need you more than you need them. You can crush them and you know it but you spare them because they do not have the strength you do.

 

Yes that is a theme with me today. Strength. Inner strength. What people are capable of.

 

I have so much hope for you Otter. I am glad to read that you share the idea that without hope there is simply derivation and mistrust.

[blind_otter]

Reading my journal makes me see that there are consistent personality traits that live in whatever environment you put them in and express themselves whether you water and cultivate them or not. I wasn't as bad off then as I am now. Seems like I am the stubborn type who needs to bang their head against a brick wall repeatedly to learn something.

 

Surprisingly I didn't buy a bottle of whiskey and drink myself into oblivion - didn't even feel the impulse. Nor did I want to go screw up my nose with some powder. I slept and dreamed a dream where my boyfriend was standing over me, smoothing hair back from my forehead, he soothed me and lay next to me and held my rigid body until I was still. It was a visceral dream. I was restless and my sheets were ripped off the bed when I awoke.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by prisoner

I have been thinking about your question. About the 'bowing down' to people and the 'instinctual response'.

 

You know, I think you learned it for the same reason I did. These people need you more than you need them. You can crush them and you know it but you spare them because they do not have the strength you do.

 

Yes that is a theme with me today. Strength. Inner strength. What people are capable of.

 

I have so much hope for you Otter. I am glad to read that you share the idea that without hope there is simply derivation and mistrust.

 

How true Prisoner... I have learned the same mechanism! I have a lethal temper but never unleash it... i fear it actually.

 

 

Otter, you remind me sooo much of a character from the book White Oleandor (Oprah bookclub, but v. good book)... this character (can't remember her name) lives through soooo many trails and tribulations, in and out of foster homes, experiences life’s traumas at its heights. You are a survivor Otter! (Please keep posting, and tell me when u publish you book!)

[blind_otter]

Thanks, SummerRae!! I feel the love.

 

I will probably end up dancing around my house in my underpants again tonight, as I did last night. I get bored, ya know. I talk to my BF on the phone for 2 hours, then the whole night ahead of me, wide and yawning and bleak. I ordered the rest of the DVDs in the "Requiem for the Darkness" series (highly recommend, I must say. Great artwork, fascinating "ghost" stories using traditional japanese mythology).

 

This guy I went out with once and had sex with once, months ago, keeps calling me at work. How did he get this number?? I must've given it to him months ago I don't remember though. It's kinda creepy. I'm going to have to tell him to leave me alone. He is seriously persistent.

 

IN any event, I get lonely. I get lonely when I am around people, though. Sometimes being in a large group makes me feel even more isolated. I get these moments where everyone I see seems beautiful in their own way. Other times, everything looks horribly ugly. Yin and Yang I suppose.

[SummerRae]

Oh, Otter, you have no idea how much we are alike (except I’m an ENFP…) trust me, I have the same patterns with drinking/drugs, relationships, beating myself up afterwards, trying to please other people, being sensitive, wanting to feel deep connections (not just talking about other people), horrible at small talk, hate judgmental people, prone to self-analysis, in therapy, had a long distance relationship for quite some time, etc... Need I say more?? I do sneak on loveshack to read your posts (while at work…) almost daily. Trust me, if I still had the net at home I would be much more prone to log on. I, too, have spent most of my life lonely, has def. made me go inwards. I would swear I was an INFP, until I took the test. The truth is, as soon as I’m comfortable around people, you can’t shut me up, but if I sense judgment, I close up like an ailing shell fish. Not fun, but a part of me.

 

Question: are you spiritual in any way? Have you read Anais Nin? Do you still keep a journal? What do you do in your moments of loneliness? Have you done Past Life Regression? (don’t mind the random questions… they actually do have a purpose...)

[prisoner]

All of the power went out today. We sat and played hangman. Argued about whether there was a limit on the number of letters in the word. Have you played that way?

 

My gf went to my friend's bar tonight. It was her friend's birthday and my friends grand re-opening so they had some fun without me I guess.

 

And yes I get bored. every night. it has a way of making you anything but sleepy. I do everything I can and then I find that reruns of the west wing make me tired and reruns of futurama make me laugh and want to stay up for inuyasha and ghost in the shell. If I am up that late it is bad because if I have to think i need my rest.

 

That boredom, though. It makes the magazines boring. The books seems so long. They never seem to get anywhere the new books. So I read the old ones.

 

SO far Otter you have had me deep in the Bell Jar and The wars of the roses. Then I saw that West Wing with the wars of the roses and then I had to buy the tape of that performance and every time I try and watch it (no matter what time) I want to go to sleep.

 

So I do other things. I bake like crazy. I try not to work at home but that is very hard when you run out of things to do because you are not single but you are alone and it is still a while before you can see your beloved.

 

Yeah i think i am going to check out your anime and then start swapping a book list too because I am out of suggestions from work. I swear they are all now reading what I read with my gf last time she was here.

 

Star of the Sea, The Prophet. Confederacy of Dunces and (wait for it) interpreter of maladies. Except for research they all read textbooks about regression and chaos. Did you study any of that when you did mathematics?

 

I do have some questions about your Myers Briggs day but that is only becasue Jung is one of my guys (research studies) and I cannot remember my code but I know i am in the 3 percent (a champion) and I have a 75 on intuition.

 

Oh and that Frankl has caused quite a stir. You can be so inspirational Otter. I am glad to hear you are dancing.

[blind_otter]

Last night I came home in a foul mood (excuse me if I launch into the explanation without much preamble, I may be wrongly assuming you both know I read your posts and thought YES! for both of you...thinking in tandem, miles and bytes away....)

 

I chain smoked cigarettes. I complained to my mother, to my friend R (who, as with all friends, has grown distant for some reason or another). I called my lover and he wasn't there. I became furious. He called me back later, explaining that he was at a friend's house and had rushed home and felt awful to miss my call and I was surly at best. I lashed out. I bitched. I dangled the prospect of me going out to get f***ed up in front of him. In a retaliatory move. I said, "I wouldn't ever cheat on you with another man. I would cheat on you with drugs, though." It was something said rashly, and in anger. I hurt him. He said my mistrust of him hurt. I was angry anyways, and kept pressing on like a child that is pushing boundaries to see how angry their grown-up will get before the grown-up loses control.

 

So I said I have no control over what you do, no say. No choice but to trust you, even if I don't. He said, you have a say as much as I have a say in your life because we are by choice a part of each other's lives. He initially said, he wanted a short phone call because he had to work so long tomorrow (today). But he refused to get off the telephone until I was calm and not going out to drink/do coke. He talked to me for 2 1/2 hours, until nearly 2am his time. I calmed down. He soothed the savage beast. I pushed the boundaries and not once did he lose control. How can someone be like this? Push me and I rage, I get out of control, I scream and lash out like a harpy. I said I wonder how I will make you angry one day, when the "honeymoon stage" wears off. He never seems to be much bothered by anything. He kept telling me to remember that he loves me. I kept doing the verbal equivalent of turning my face away and staring off mysteriously in the distance. Oh, that hurt him. I hurt him so. I did it on purpose. It's the monster in me. How can I want to hurt someone who is so good, who is so patient, who loves me so much?

 

In retrospect, and now, I wouldn't. But at that moment, which is the only moment that existed at that time, I did.

 

Do see Requiem for the Darkness. I got mine at AnimeNation, at the production company's website....you will love the music they use. THe bumbling writer.

 

Question: are you spiritual in any way? Have you read Anais Nin? Do you still keep a journal? What do you do in your moments of loneliness? Have you done Past Life Regression? (don’t mind the random questions… they actually do have a purpose...)

 

I converted to buddhism years ago and was a rigorous practitioner for a while. I am lax, now. No more meditation groups of self-serving yuppies looking for inner piece (pun intended). I do still journal, and have not read Anais nin. I have had recommendations before, though. I'm reading a history of japanese courtisans right now. In my moments of loneliness I enjoy the ache. I feel the burn, as they say. Somehow thinking it will make me stronger, more able to be alone, never believing I could be anything more or feel anything else. I am, and always have been, keenly aware that each of us is utterly alone and always desperately trying to shove ourselves together.

 

I haven't done past life regression. What is now is now. What was does not exist, any more. Not even my baby times. It would be a fun thing, though, for the analyzer, "the architect" is what I am supposed to be. Detached. Logical. Afraid of tumultuous emotions, finds them confusing.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi there-

 

"Yes. I have exhausted myself. I dont give to get, I just give as if by emptying my soul I can erase this guilt I feel. Yesterday laying in bed I had the most bizarre thought - once you indulge in a sin you can never erase it. You can never "make up for it". You have committed that sin, it will forever mar your essence like a cavity. It will eat away at you until it consumes you. And all those people who think they can go out and do good deeds to erase their sins are lying to themselves"

 

I'm living with this now. With the guilt I feel over the infidelity in my first marriage. I've just now began to come to terms with the hurt that must have caused my exh. I think it helps because my fiance' was cheated on by his exwife and I've seen how he struggles with trust, etc. I think alot about sin. I beat myself up over this- even though I did everything I could to save my marriage up until that point. I crossed the line because of lonliness. The kind where you hold your pillow and sob. I'm a Christian, and I know God forgives, but it's hard for me to imagine God forgiving me for that for some reason.

 

The pushing thing, gosh B-O- I do the exact same thing. My guy tolerates it so well- but my exh always did too. I knew how far I could push before he would get angry- and some days I would push right up to that limit and over. For some reason, I tend to fall in love with men who have had this Mayberry childhood- who cannot possibly relate to what I've been through. I told my fiance' the story of when I stood up to my stepcreep and told him I would not allow him to beat me anymore the other day. I was 18. He was quiet and smoothed my hair. Feels like details pop out from time to time a bit at a time.

 

The emotional withdrawal- I can relate. I do that all the time on the phone. What's wierd is that it's like a switch that I can flip. As soon as I flip it though for whatever reason, he can tell immediately by the tone of my voice. I've only ever had one person connect with me like he has and it was years ago. My first love.

 

I say fiance' and not bf because he came to work Wednesday and proposed to me. Got down on his knee in front of everyone. What a shocker!

[prisoner]

We must be channeling each other. I wonder what that channel would be like? i wonder how many viewers we would get? who our competition would be.

 

The power was off in the house when I got back and while my gf is nototrious for being honest with me she pullled a fast one that left me walking in the garden after the rain had stopped. I tell you what: Last night I could have had a beer (of course that would have meant twenty).

 

There must have been something in the air in that part of theworld.

 

Her plans for the weekednd changed very quicklyu lastnight. Now she is there and I am here and I trust her but her friends can go crazy sometimes and she has that personality where sje is the practical queen until AFTER midnight. Now she wwent out last night and is out again tonight and NOW it is her crazy friend K who is not only joining them but spending two nights wither her. She willsee midnight alot this weekend, not talk to me much and then (you guessed it) I will get the brunt of this on sunday when she is hung over and piss#d that her weekend went by too fast.

 

Now sundays are hard enough because of the general length of them and being alone for most of them but with her in a bad mood I was getting irrational and expecting the worst. See I eould never cheat on her either but like I have sdaid before: one bad meal and any attitude from her and I am one phone call and one flight away from a Vegas trip. That wopuld be my cheating on her. NC for three days. Not one story I would be wiulling to share. Just to spite her, too.

 

Otter: It is theses times when I look at the sun when Ishouldn't. It reminds me that i have a long way to go. My wings will melt, etc. We would be betraying them yes. But we would betraying OURSELVES more. And contrary to our instincts I am on a campaign to get us to agree that our being healthy is better than their being happy.

 

And for all the pain we can cause the others, it is the pain to ourselves that we have had enough of more than anything. More than anything.

 

As a side note: Whisky? Like scotch? Maybe Bouirbon? I used to drink all of the bourbon I could find. then I would go out and drink all the amstel light the bar had cold. When they ran out it would either mean Sauza or the floor.

 

I always tagged you as a margarita (no salt) woman. shows what i know.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

 

I always tagged you as a margarita (no salt) woman. shows what i know.

 

Naw, I'm a double shot of bourbon, neat, no ice. Cherry coke on the side, no cherry. I can't stand tequila. I drank too many shots and puked blood one night, cured me of the twang forever. I haven't had a drink since last Saturday night. I can't stand beer, either. Too yeasty.

 

The only man I was ever with who had a "Leave it to Beaver" past was my exhusband. My BF now had a bad childhood, filled with physical abuse and other similar incidents. In many ways, because he had incidents similar to mine in his past, he understands me in a unique way. He understands what I have gone through and what I am going through.

 

But I feel anxious. Why would he screw up a good thing now, a scant 2 weeks and 6 days (not that I'm counting, ha ha) from when I arrive to be shown around his town on his arm like a lovely piece of jewelry? He keeps telling me that he loves me, that he is moving here to be with me in August, that he wants to live with me. I am skeptical. I've read the Chinua Achebe book Things Fall Apart. The damndest things fall apart at the damndest times. I feel like I am falling, from the inside - the sensation you get when you are falling asleep sitting up...why do I feel this way? Emotions make me feel out of control, I think. I really am terrified to be happy.

 

When you let yourself love someone you have something to lose. I said this to my BF last night. He reassured me saying that he wasn't going anywhere, he said "I love you" so many times but words are useless in some situations, they lose their function sometimes, they can only do so much. I am anxious again. I am dreading the visit to Scotland. Once I'm on the plane I'll be alright but I will dread the actual visit until I am on the way. It's just how I am.

[prisoner]

See my gf does the same thing. sixty seven 'i love you' s and I was freaking internally (the only way to fly) about what she was up to.

 

I swear the paranoia got so outrageous that I concocted some scenario where each one was like a shard of glass.

 

An occasional 'i hate you' keeps me so honest and she took so long to GET that.

 

Honestly I always just felt as though she was cleaning the car for the demolition derby.

 

I feel loved in her presence though. I give love in her presence. There is little to no paranoia. I do not feel as though I am out to get me.

 

In the meantime have you considered that while everything is decaying it is our job to create as much as we can? Something is already eroding. We are here to slow that process.

 

Oh Dancer in the Dark was on last night. I posted and then turned on the teevee to check the scores (Brazil won) and there was Bjork being her every own Blind Otter.

 

If we were in high school I would have texted you.

 

Look I am all for the Scot as long as Amsterdam is a blast, your gift is sweet as can be and he does not NEED anything from you in order to survive.

 

I think he has come a long way from the 'surprise' post but I also think that he should be getting his own place when he moves here. Even if it is a room in the house across the street I am concerned about your feeling crowded and overwhelmed. Not that you haven't moved on from the pea under your mattress but where will you go to slow it all down Otter. pieto a pieto, Otter.

 

There I said it. Now tell me what you are doing this weekend so that i can hold you to it on Monday.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

There I said it. Now tell me what you are doing this weekend so that i can hold you to it on Monday.

 

Dancer in the Dark made me weep. Few movies have done that (except "The Joy Luck Club" -- classic asian american culture clash fare)

 

My dear old friend Tess has come from up North for the weekend. She called on her way down last night to sternly instruct me to call her post haste this evening. We might go watch jai alai and I'll be all calm while she bets money. I can't gamble, either....addictive personality much? I don't want to drink. If I drink I'll do other, worse things. I just know it. I have to stick to cigarettes and the occassional joint. Last night I nearly exploded wanting to get wasted. I smoked a weensy little bowl and calmed down. I stayed in. I was proud of that little accomplishment. Baby steps.

 

So I have tonight figured out. Saturday I need to wash the dogs again -- it's a twice monthly chore. I spend 2 hours in my bikini in the backyard getting sun and covered with dog shampoo chasing them around with a hose. It's hilarious. I also have running conversations with them while I wash them all. I found a flea on me last night. I live in doghairland. I need a new couch. My BF wants me to wait until he returns to pick out a couch with me.

 

His job would be in a town 2 hours south of me, so he would only stay with me 3/4 days out of the week. I can't help but want him all to myself. To devour him with kisses and sex and the caretaking behaviors that are ingrained into me.

 

Sunday will be one long arduous painfully boring day where I should be sorting things out in my house. It gets cluttered, see. I put things down and they become invisible. They disappear until I need them again. I am only motivated to clean when things reach critical mass. I am usually off in my own little world. The only thing I take care of is my clothes and my beloved shoes. I got three new pairs this past week. Black patent leather stilletos, black patent leather pumps with round toes, and these bronze leather slingbacks. Addictive personality + shoe fetish = BAD.

[prisoner]

see I used to argue that all the time.

 

I used to stand up and say: you want us to stop being addictive but only brecause it is killing us. what are you doing about the shoe fetishists?

 

I buy sneakers and deejay equipment but I am on a moratorium because a. the voltage and b. I have developed a thing for antiques.

 

which brings us to door number three: buy your furniture at auction houses. it is the best bargain palace for quality goods.

 

smother him all you want just make him do the cleaning. my gf is glad to do the mopping because she knows i am going nuts in the kitchen with her belly getting full in mind. nice fish sauce by the way. i think i have to try that again yummy.

 

see and there you are being all normal this weekend. me too i guess.

 

argentina play tomorrow. the neighbors are coming over to listen to me curse the ref. I have made paella del mar. then it is brazil mexico on sunday so i am invited to my assistant's father in law's house because he laughed when he heard i watched the liverpool game by myself: 'no one should have to go through that alone'. funny. my dad asked me why i didn't bet on the game. i would invite you for sunday but oh the scandal it would cause.

 

i swear one day the world will flip back and i will have inlaws i see too much of and a wife i cannot stand. oh and i will never get to watch football unless my daughter is playing. and you and i will be video conferencing. pseudonyms intact.

 

is that what i have to look forward to?

 

Oh, of course DItD made you cry. You are so cool. And listening to her a capella is hypnotic.