Hi, my name is Otter and I'm insecurrrrr (ranting about LDRs)

[alphamale]

Originally posted by blind_otter

I'll be ready to jump his bones when I get off the plane at 8 frikkin 30am (jeebus. An 11 hour plane trip + layover )

and make sure no one on the plane actually SEEs your ugly ass feet cause they may wanna jump out at 40,000 feet.

[prisoner]

personal reasons. a strategy for the plane (i do the same thing). Amsterdam as some YOU time. I like the sound of it. Good. He is not going to have to work while you are there, right? I don't know. you sound ready and i like the risk taker coming up for some air.

 

the regret would be too much to handle. it is certainly one way to find out how available you are. being available and seeing how it feels. letting out the line and adjusting it according to what you catch. it has worked for centuries.

 

Kingdom of Heaven: all those grandiose and sweeping backgrounds with Orlando Bloom in the shot doing what he gets paid for? Tell me what you think? there are somepeople arguing that more movies like that is what people want to see.

 

has that boss of yours calmed down, yet?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by alphamale

and make sure no one on the plane actually SEEs your ugly ass feet cause they may wanna jump out at 40,000 feet.

 

:lmao:

 

Great I just snorted diet coke. Thanks a pantsfull.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

has that boss of yours calmed down, yet?

 

 

Well she's screwed up royally. Got the whole budget for our department frozen until further notice because the deficit spending was obscene. almost $70,000 in the hole, with no funding prospects for next year, or to even make up the debt. So what does she do? Go on vacation. for 2 weeks.

 

And airly tells me to reserve this tour date and buy that book. With what money? My credit card? I think not beyotch. I just smile and nod at her now. I think she is looking for other positions in the Boston area while on her vacation. :smirk:

 

He is taking the week off when I go. He works for an insanely wealthy uncle who owns a bunch of bars, so I think he pretty much sets his own schedule.

 

And all you jits said I was afraid to commit. I just needed tiiiiiiiiiime. (kidding, kidding).

 

Although a certain person was accusing me of all sorts of craziness when, honestly, I've been through some seriously ROUGH SH*T since September of last year.

[prisoner]

and now you are coming out the other side?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

and now you are coming out the other side?

 

Honestly, I feel like I am. My due date for the baby I lost is coming up on June 14, I feel like I went through this psychic pregnancy. A ghost baby still hangs around my belly.

 

This happened the last time I lost a baby in 2002. I was just off the wall for about 6 months after I lost the baby at 11 weeks (this one passed away at 14 weeks) - and it was almost like I was in the psychological limbo until the due date passed. It was a significance that I put on the date in my own head. But the very week the baby would have been due was when I started having seizures, I had 10+ seizures a day for about 2 weeks.

 

One wonders, though. I hope something similar doesn't happen again, this time...

[prisoner]

i can only say this:

 

i hope the same thing does not happen again.

 

i can only defer to the fact that you are able to talk to someone with clinical experience and tell them what happened last time and if you are concerned that you need some answers from them.

 

in a manner of speaking I find it hard not to just want to tell you that everything will be alright. I would not do that. I have more respect for your inimitable style.

 

I can say that what you have gone through is a trauma and your allusions to ghosts are not far off. again from experience i can only say that coming through the other side is hard too.

 

step by step.

 

Mystic- circa 1971.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

i can only say this:

 

i hope the same thing does not happen again.

 

i can only defer to the fact that you are able to talk to someone with clinical experience and tell them what happened last time and if you are concerned that you need some answers from them.

 

in a manner of speaking I find it hard not to just want to tell you that everything will be alright. I would not do that. I have more respect for your inimitable style.

 

I can say that what you have gone through is a trauma and your allusions to ghosts are not far off. again from experience i can only say that coming through the other side is hard too.

 

step by step.

 

Mystic- circa 1971.

 

I don't think the same thing will happen again. The last time was a bad set of cricumstances, and a wanted child. This pregnancy was unplanned, unwanted, and the would-be baby's father is going to prison for 15-20. I didn't even buy a Jizo statue for the poor little one. I kept meaning to. But I was bitter....

 

Last night I talked for nearly 2 hours on the phone to my lover. He was so wonderful, I told him that I dearly love him and he said I do to but it would be inappropriate to say such things on the phone. He's told his whole family about me, his uncle and aunt (who he's quite close to), his nieces, his mother. I was flattered. He was just adorable and we were all gushy and sickening on the phone together.

 

Tomorrow I have to pawn the engagement ring my exhusband gave me. It's sad, but I have to do it. I've kept it for 5 years (obviously, since he gave it to me before we married) - and he said I could sell it if I wanted. I do need the money and I think it's just time. He's obviously not going to use it, being in prison and all.

 

I feel strange today. I plan on relaxing this weekend. Trying to get my house sorted out. I need to be reminded that the fantasy in my head, in letters, on the phone....it's not the reality of how it will be.

[prisoner]

Otter,

 

The funny thing to remember about LDRs is phone time is worth the effort because they are actually dates. It is imporatant to share and be private. It is important to end on a good note and have that feeling all day long.

 

I applaud your decision to sell the ring. It is again important to move on from things and physically is rthe best way. Now tell me that the cash from the ring goes to pay for the trip to Scotland and Holland and we are getting somewhere. step by step and all that.

 

But then you see we get to this weekend. yes you should relax. get your house in order. play with the puppies.

 

But Otter, seriously, there is no reason (other than the hostility of the universe and the way of the modern world) to talk yourself in to believeing that your perception of your relationship is not real.

 

Look you have a relationship and the one you are having is the reality of it. When you are together THAT is the relationship you are having. Enjoying the moments and the good feelings and not dreading (or fast forwarding) is what step by step is all about.

 

You have to know how you want to feel afterwards. before you do something it is about measuring the risks and contemplating the reward. You are doing so well. It would be awful to consider that while I expect that you know not to shake a box marked fragile (unless you are a sitcom star) sometimes the label is too small.

[blind_otter]

he's emailed me twice today, too. i adore him so.

 

Of course you are right. I overthink. Always.

 

When we were talking on the phone we spoke about why we seemed such a good match. Because we come from different countries and backgrounds - but we balance each other out. Where I am cautious, he pushes me to be adventurous. Where I am lazy and recalcitrant, he motivates and encourages. Where he is too practical, I am imaginative and creative. Where he is serious, I am funny and silly. He is so....practical about "handling" me - he seems to intuitively know just the right touch to use to coax me from my over-intellectualizing.

 

He knows WAY more about international politics.

 

He said he has always had the hardest time expressing his emotions, but for some reason it seems easy with me. It's my nature to be like a sapling and flexible to the needs of my man, without giving up my own needs....I coax him to open up and accept the pace he takes to do so. He is always surprised at the way I push, ever so gently.

 

Love, to me, involves (among other things) two people who constantly challenge each other to be better people, and to evolve and change. I saw this with my parents. They bolester each other up where each is weak, and offer support where each is strong.

[prisoner]

overthinking is fine. 20 minutes three times a week. great. more than that, paint the house. invent a cereal. do the crossword.

 

want a primer on international politics? guardian.co.uk. has it all. unless you can read french.

 

but back to you. see, it is clear to me that you have very strong notions as to what it is on the other side of your current journey.

 

I think you know there can be peace and giggling and a backyard with a carp pond. I think you know that there is risk and consequences and you are measuring twice and cutting once and that is the best thing anyone can do.

 

but you have to do it every time. leaping just makes you a lord late on in a christmas song.

 

have a good weekend. if you see that movie tell me what you think.

[blind_otter]

sorry. I was supposed to see the movie but ended up getting pan asian cuisine and dinking sake, last night. Tonight it's out with the girls for sangria and tapas. Oh, yum.

 

I will report back if I see the movie this weekend, sir yes sir!

[prisoner]

Life is an enchantress

Who seduces us with her nbeauty

But he who knows her wiles

Will flee her enchantments

 

From the Enchantress

 

Khalil Gibran

 

I like hawthorne too.

 

"The color rose in to her cheeks as she intimated the nature of the rumors that were already abroad in the village".

 

The Minister's Black Veil

 

Good weekend?

[blind_otter]

Strange weekend. I went to the beach with my friends on saturday. I called my lover saturday morning he he was just out of bed (he had to work at his uncle's bar that night), and he said he was thinkin' about me when he woke up, and thinkin' that he loves me a lot. It made me happy all day. I notice lately, though, that I am spacey. I find myself amongst my friends, but totally disconnected, obviously my mind is somewhere else. They are all tolerant and amused. I lose track of conversations, thinking about something else. I am happy. I am tired all the time.

 

We spoke on the phone late saturday night as he got home from working the bar at 4am, and again we talked about just random things. My day at the beach was all mopey because that was where we spent our last weekend together and I kept getting reminded of him. Then I passed out on the beach and burned my tits. My friend Bosco kicked sand on me and said "WAKE UP! You're BURNING!!"

 

Anyways, when we spoke I joked again about him marrying me for a greencard but now he gets upset when I mention this and says he regrets ever even saying anything because now that he's in love with me, if he does ask me to marry him I won't take him seriously. Well, I probably wouldn't. I said he could do it the old fashioned way and ask my Dad's permission and get the third degree from my parents. That might prove something. But it made me feel odd that he was talking so seriously about "us." I said we have a lot of things to get sorted out before the whole marriage thing.

 

I've never thought I would want that again. But I kinda sorta do. I'm separated from my exhusband, not legally divorced yet. This whole relationship has given me impetus to finalize my divorce and expedite it, regardless of my exhusband's protests. I can't sit around waiting for him and hoping things will be different between us. His diffidence was initially charming but became annoying when he was unable to ASK ME for what he wanted. I think it is a personality trait that he will never alter. It is engrained in his family. My exhusband is not the kind of man who can comfortably lay down the law.

 

As odd as it sounds, I was raised in a family where Dad had the final say. My sisters and I tend to be wishy-washy. So, I tend to seek out strong personalities in men, and my lover is very - it's hard to describe. He is gentle but gives me guidance. He seems oodles more mature than I am but not put off by MY immaturity. He kind of straightens my head up and makes me more practical about things. Makes me look at the situation in a more practical manner.

 

There is a bizarre easy way about how we relate to each other. I've never been this comfortable with anyone except under the influence of ecstasy. Which is an artificial closeness, and what sparked my relationship with my exhusband. I never thought I was ABLE to feel that close to someone when I wasn't taking mind altering substances. I thought that part of me was dead. Which is sad, but true.

 

Which is what makes me even more amazed at this quiet little scottish man. He seemed so repressed at first but now he freely expresses his emotions to me and it's nice. Like when you read a good book and at first, it's a little dull and not very interesting, but as you read more you get fascinated and you can't put the book down? Can you relate?

 

I am touchy today though. Sensitive. My mood has been odd. I suppose I am restive because of this committment. A real one with my whole heart? Heavens forfend!

 

I'm to visit him in scotland in july. At the end of july he is flying me to meet him in Ontario to attend his cousin's wedding, as I am to be "introduced to the whole clan". Scarey scarey scarey! Talk about pressure. Especially because Scottish accents, for the most part, sound like jibber jabber to me. Then he's flying back to Florida with me. Back "home with you" he said.

 

And I am back in therapy twice a week because I started having flashbacks again. I suppose it'll all come out in the wash. I am not that upset as I have been talking with my lover about this issue often on the phone. He listens to me and occassionally gives advice, mostly he just listens and is a compassionate person to lean on. It's funny. First guy I've been with who didn't overtly want to "fix" my problems.

 

Thank you so so so much for being such a great sounding board, prisoner. You don't know how you've helped me, or continue to help me. Rather than enabling, you do challenge me to examine myself without being aggressive or egotisitcal. You must be a healer of some kind.

[prisoner]

BY Frank Herbert.

 

He described these stepping stones. Instead of a caravan across the desert the nomads would just step on one of these stones and be ALL the way across the sand planet without the wandering and starvation that preceded the stones.

 

I read about them twenty years ago and then wrote about them in college. I explained to my generation "w" that we were going to be the first generation with stepping stones. We could either take these mysterious evolutionary jumps through life or we could DECIDE to experience like the Italians do everything under the sun, pieto a pieto. Step by step

 

We choose, right? We either end relationships and seek closure and have peace or we do not. We either microwave or cook. We either travel or just hop a plane to a resort and fry and then return. We either step and hope and end up somewhere in the future or we move deliberately through life.

 

I have done both. I have made my fair share of mistakes but no matter what I love my life. The pain and the misery not so much, but they make the best days better.

 

I am a writer. I am a thinker/mouthpiece (job title). I am a son and a boyfriend and a fighter with a forked tongue. i have been a drinker and a gambler and I have hurt so many people that I thought that I really loved.

 

I have never been called a healer, though. I think that is a wonderful thing to say although I will tell you that you are doing so much healing on your own that I am just here and happy to be sounded off of. One day i may have something to echo.

 

Meanwhile, enough about me, your question is the order of the day.

 

Can I relate?

 

I knew this girl. She is a woman now, but then she was a girl. We drank together, fought, loved each other, hated each other made it all worth while and all miserable all at the same time. I was my first case of Amour Fou (crazy, all consuming love) and I woke up one day realizing that I had only read the bookjacket and become mesmerised by the photo. I tried to read that book. The pages incinerated like moths,before I could finish them.

 

Now I am in love with someone who I carry with me like a dog eared copy of something i stole from the library. I can relate all right. the trick is to remember the magic of literature. MY love is across the ocean too you see, with her green eyes and her foul mouth when there has been too much thinking for here tastes. She is a book I will never put down. ytousee, someone keeps adding chapters that I have to read and keep reading.

 

I remember though (and this keeps me honorable) that characters in the books we read continue to live on without us. They are only ever spoken of in the present tense.

 

Keep reading. Keep getting to know him. Keep getting to know you. there is a a wonderful future for you with or without him.

 

Your post from today is optimistic. It reads as though you have a feeling that you are coming out the other side and that is acceptable.

 

It is encouraging to hear you say you called him. Really that is BIG. Not that you do not have it in you, just that for you to trust that he will be there to answer is the kind of risk taking that you deserve to be able to take without hesitation.

 

As for the sunburn, Sarah Kugelman (gloss.com) makes expensive (they have wicked samples too) but excellent stuff made from cloudberries and glacial water (i am serious but even that makes me laugh). They, ahem, restore balance. skyniceland.com. It is THE stuff.

 

The spacing I can only say is something I would enjoy if i were you. My experience makes me recall the spacing with a fondness. I advocate daydreaming. Have you been painting? Sketching? Expressing yourself, how? LS? talking to HIM? your friends? As long as you are expressing.

 

Oh and it would be EXCELLENT for him to (you used the word 'prove') ask your family and be 'traditional'. You should encourage him to do that when YOU say it is. Step by step. Pieto a pieto.

 

My boss wants me to tell her what to do next now so I have to go and do that.

 

Take care.

[blind_otter]

Well shiver me timbers. Here I was thinking you were a healer or a teacher or a philosopher. Life experience is, in my very very humble opinion, the supreme teacher. You can't really replace it. You can show me a 17 year old who is "mature for his age" and give him 20 years and a lifetime of experience and he really WILL be "mature for his age" In any case, I am surprised at your profession but personally I think too many people are working outside of their would-be speciality for whatever reason. And now, that you have explained that your lover is across the ocean, your insight makes a lot of sense. Still, though, you have the words to tame the restless beast.

 

My lover called me while I was out yesterday but I called him back. He was asleep but insisted that I stay on the phone to talk with him. We talked until the sun rose (where he lives, anyways, where the sun rises by 4am and sets around 9:30pm!). He was adorable. He said he wrote me a letter and sent me some pictures, because I said I wished I could look at his face while we talked. He has several pictures of me that he took the weekend we went to St. Augustine. Including the one of me covered with bubbles in the bathtub. Hee hee.

 

I think letters are quite romantic so I was happy. Pocky calls me "harlequin" because of my flowery and verbose writing style. But I think this probably works in my favor in terms of a LDR. I write him long emails about anything and everything. News stories that I find interesting, gossip, my friends and family, little details that I know he wouldn't think to ask after, but including him in those makes him feel closer to me and my life. In turn, his emails have gone from a terse few sentences to long paragraphs as well. He is opening up to me v-e-r-y--s-l-o-w-l-y....I suppose I am in many ways making a conscious effort to encourage him to open up to me.

 

I think the therapy will be good. I need to work on a lot of things and I don't want to sabotage this relationship.

 

I went to an 80 minute session yesterday and I was mainly unemotional during the process, but I opened up quickly and easily with my therapist. Afterward, though, I noticed that I was shaking. Visibly. I was shaking walking all the way to the parking garage, up 3 flights of stairs, in my car. I stopped at my friend Mr. T's house because I am trying to quit smoking and had no cigarettes, but the shaking wouldn't stop. He smoked some pot with me and I calmed down a little. I wasn't crying, but my body was just shaking. It started again about an hour after I got there and honestly I didn't stop until after I had been talking to my lover for a while on the phone. I told him what had happened and he just sort of listened a little and said it would be better if I didn't go over the details again, and he distracted me with a few jokes and a silly story and I relaxed.

 

It's strange how emotional I get, now, talking about the incident where my friend Mr. T was attacked by my exBF. Really, after the incident I was not disturbed at all, but now, months later, I find myself reacting and almost crying when I talk about it. Why such a delayed reaction?

[prisoner]

Tell me if any of this sounds familiar?

 

You parse too much. You filter too much. You take too much in. You feel responsible. You too were the victim. You were not a witness, you were attacked too.

 

I heard all of those things when I struggled with a close friend being hit and run.

 

I tried to listen. I tried to understand but I would still shake. I would still feel as though it would not stop happening. What was it? The colour blue. He went to Michigan and wore as much of that deep blue and gold as he could. Sub conciously I was making the connection to his suffering every day. One blue at a time.

 

I think you were having a hard time yesterday. I think that there are a number of things that you can point to and say "that is something that could sabotage the Scot".

 

You have to understand that knowing what those things are is the first step to not allowing them any power over you.

 

But they are keen fighters, aren't they? they know how to land a soft blow that you won't notice for days.

 

Like knowing the salisbury staek recipe off the top of your head. savant like and impressive but knowing you were on your way toa session, do you think that it lit a fuse that took several hours to blow? I would hazard that guess. That was what used to happen to me.

 

Otter, you have to understand that Joachim's razor applies. The simplest explanations for our feelings are usually right.

 

You also have to understand that Mister T does not have to forgive you. I don't have to know him to know that. He understands that you were the victim, too. He understands that you did not want to hurt him.

 

The delayed reaction comes from a. you were cooking for a while yesterday and b. You do not need to be forgiven.

 

Except by you Otter. Forgive yourself.

 

I learned that leaving early and telling K to get home safely was nothing intended to hurt him. I wasn't driving the cab. I didn't push him in to the street. he probably fell but perhaps he was crossing. We will never know. He was alone and drunk in NYC and while we wish them no success, bad things happen.

 

For you it is more visceral. For you it is not easy. I applaud you going and shaking and asking why.

 

I applaud your saying that sabotage is not an option with the Scot. See that is why I post. You keep me from my own self destructive cycle. The one I know threatens everything I touch.

 

Let me ask you this: when the shaking stopped, did you feel better? how about today? Breaking through is going to be very hard at times. You are strong enough for it, though.

 

My boss tells everyone I am a philosopher. She is just encouraging me to do my dissertation. My staff tell me I act like their teacher. I tell them it is nap time and there will be no Oreos in the cookie bin unless they are quiet when I get back. Maybe that is what you are picking up on.

 

My work is very fulfilling. It does not keep me warm but it helps keep me crazy. What would you be if you could be anything? Would you change? Somehow I do not think so.

 

Letters are the best. Photos are great. Postcards from places you were together help too. Pepe phone cards are the best for the UK. I buy mine at Publix.

 

Take care.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

Tell me if any of this sounds familiar?

 

Let me ask you this: when the shaking stopped, did you feel better? how about today? Breaking through is going to be very hard at times. You are strong enough for it, though.

 

Taking care!

 

Yes, it sounds creepily familiar. I think that we both felt this mutual feeling of guilt. He felt guilty that he was passed out on the couch and not awake when my ex attacked ME, I felt guilty that I, all 5' and 120 lbs. of me, could not prevent my 6'3, 230 lbs. ex from nearly strangling my friend to death. I remember standing by helplessly like a little child, screaming ineffectually, saying "NO! STOP! GET OUT!"...to have to go through this intense scrutiny by the defense attorney, and knowing that my relationship will be examined by a jury and a judge, makes it much worse. My lover volunteered to attend the trial with me. I don't know that I want him to see that, how weak I was when I was being abused, how powerless I allowed myself to feel.

 

I did feel better. After we spoke I took a shower and I felt the all too disturbingly famliar vertigo and intense anxiety, but I didn't resort to tranquilizers as I normally would have. I laid down and breathed deeply and fell asleep to an old ninja movie. No nightmares, either, just a dream about my lover which is normal lately.

 

Today, the shaking began again. Much less intense but still constant and noticeable to me. My hands shivering almost. A year ago I would have cancelled my next appointment. Even 6 months ago. Because I don't necessarily like feeling this way. But, as I wrote to my love:

 

I might be feeling odd because of the therapy. Because of all the trauma I went through when I was younger, being raped and what not, I have certain issues. I suppose, like completely trusting that other people won't hurt me. That's why I sometimes ask you if you're upset with me. I'm all hyper-aware of things like changes in tone of voice or body language, because of what happened to me. If someone gets angry with me I get very frightened and I freeze up. I think it's definatley my responsibility to take care of those issues so that I can be as healthy as possible in the way I approach our relationship because I really do want to make this work as well. I love you very much for only having known you a short time. I feel so happy with you and comfortable. I can't fully explain it. But I don't want to make you suffer for the hurts that other men have inflicted on me, so I am trying to get well on my own. You really do motivate me to be a better person.

 

It's my responsibility to heal myself so that I don't hurt him. I have hurt others in the past. My exhusband, most especially, suffered for my fear of addressing this very infected wound I have in my heart. It's like lancing a boil, or an infected gland. I must endure this sometimes white-hot searing pain, to get through to the other side and clean out the wound. I feel reluctance, yes, most assuredly. But I have to do this, if not for him -- finally, after a long drought or trek through the desert -- for me.

[prisoner]

I am not allowed to yell at my girlfriend. If tempers rise or she yells and I yell back I have to calm down and remember the truth: when volumes get to a certain point she cannot hear the words coming out of my mouth. She does not hear the trauma or even the anger. She only hears "B#*ch, B*#ch, B#*ch".

 

She is a rape survivor. She was verbally abused. Her mother was verbally abused. She has heard 'it' all.So when we are fighting it is like watching two people discuss holiday destinations. Over two very large cups of mango tea and a little honey. We save the screaming matches for making up. See, the thing is that the consequences of her reliving the variable (as opposed to fixed)n traumas are more damage to her long term. It is as though the healing rewinds (not all the way) but regresses softly (stealthily) to a previous point along the timeline.

 

Does this sound familiar?

 

Beyond what others can tell you it is important that you see what happened the way you actually saw it. It is the same way my dear hears the yelling. It is the same way I feel when I look at my mother (rarely now, more frequently when I was younger but after I found out)- herself abused. Like a child.

 

We learn everything then. There is that statistic that THEY like to spout (I see it in Newsweek alot) that once you are 24 you cannot 'unlearn' ninety percent of what you know. In other words your capacity for learning is only ten percent after 24. Bologna.

 

YOU can unlearn the pain. Not just anyone: YOU. YOU can reject modern thinking and know that what happened was the act of a madman. That he betrayed you. YOU did not betray anyone. He betrayed you. And yes you were a child again. Being betrayed again. So was he. It is something.

 

As for the trial: (I prep witnesses pro bono) are you a visual person? would you like some exercise that can help make it easier to testify? People will tell you that it is all business but the truth is that it is not. YOu are not underscrutiny. He betrayed your relationship? Do not be his vessel. Do not keep his secrets. Betray him back. Tell the truth. How you cared? Cooked? How he boiled over slowly? You will not want Scot in the courtroom. YOu will want him waiting outside and the best thing is not to talk about it much. It will be in the past. Let it stay there. Do not go to the reading. Do not go to the sentencing. Let it be in the past. What do you think?

 

Scot: You know I am inspired by you because you challenge something in me. Right at the core. I think that Scot is responsible too. I think that while the healing is yours he has NO RIGHT to want and have a relationship with you unless he is willing to play by the rules. I have mentioned this before. Knowing YOU means knowing that there are things and times that are yours and his but not his. It is alot like when someone sees a single mother. There is a relationship with the mother. The child and then the mother and the child as one unit.

 

You have your pain. He has to have relationship with your pain but he cannot initiate it or try and control it. As you break through it will come and go. YOU have to be selfish about this. Strangely what is best for you is best for him.

 

We have all hurt other people, Otter. They have hurt other people too. The things we do to each other. It is a wonder there is even a blue sky.

 

But there is. there are clouds with faces in them and picnics to be had. there are so many good things ahead, too. See those things too, huh?

 

Okay, so any shaking today? Anticipation? Ninja movies?

 

Your post did get me thinking. I hope that my reply is what I intended.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

Okay, so any shaking today? Anticipation? Ninja movies?

 

Your post did get me thinking. I hope that my reply is what I intended.

 

I have been told by the more cruel and less compassionate among the world that I will never be able to have a healthy relationship, that I should stop inflicting myself on others and be alone for the rest of my life. What you describe regarding your lady is too familiar to me. I have often feared that, sad as it sounds, all these things I have endured, things out of my control - have condensed into a series of major issues that make me unable to have or maintain intimate relationships. Molestation, child abuse, 2 rapes, and a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive relationship. The attack and witnessing my friend's attack. The miscarriages. The drug addiction and alcohol abuse. I hate the life I have lived through and yet somehow hope for something better, even though it is beyond me to imagine what that would entail. How I maintain hope, is beyond me. It's something internal, like a steel rod in my spine that keeps my head up through all this.

 

But if you would have seen me 6 years ago (almost 7, now) - right after the rape, when I walked with my head bowed down and could not make eye contact with another human soul, when I spent days alone and silent, going through the motions of living when I was merely continuing to exist....and the me NOW, stronger, more resilient, and somehow hopeful. I feel like I am a miracle. I could have and tried to kill myself many times. Not so much because of me. But because I couldn't see the end of this, I felt like every few years another trauma would place me back in the oubliette, and I didn't want to be a mentally ill burden on my family and friends.

 

No shaking today. Anticipation, yes - how did you know?

 

My lover called me last night, a surprise since I had thought we had agreed to call every other day to save money. He was worried about me because of how I was on the phone with him on Monday. Last night I was still moody and anxious. I asked him a few times if I had upset him or he was upset with me and he was patient but I could tell he was shocked at my behavior change. One 80 minute therapy session and I begin to fall apart. In my session we determined that I should try to work on being more able to access my emotions. My fear is that once I do they will emerge roaring and wild like a lion tethered too long. Uncontrollable. Perhaps terrifying. I have felt that the past is the past, I should try just to move beyond it. At some point I remember thinking there has been too much for me to parcel out and shift through - it would take a lifetime. I am already exhausted.

 

He makes me feel really good. He said that he is proud of me for wanting to address my issues (or as he said, "sort things out in your head") - but that I shouldn't be too concerned with how I am in the relationship, he loves me as I am, and those issues are for us to sort out between ourselves. He wants to be included in the process because he feels that will bring us closer....

 

I noticed that I am quite diffident and submissive in a relationship. I am fiery and fierce on my own, but quite indecisive. I depend upon my parents a lot to help me make major decisions or to motivate me to keep my life in order. When I am paired with a man, I transfer that dependence to him. Some resist this and get annoyed, others become noticeably more confident and stable by feeling a responsibility to "care for" me. I suppose the men who enjoy feeling needed. It is the classic "asian woman" stereotype, I think, even though I am only half asian...I was raised in a very traditional home, where father always had the final say in everyone's life decisions. I have been very lost for the past 2 years since my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness. His mental sharpness has declined rapidly and he no longer gives me the guidance I was used to.

 

My Scot is worldly, he really when I think about it reminds me of my father, even certain physical characteristics. He's grown a beard since we parted...said he shall shave when I come back to him, and in pictures he looks strikingly similar to my facial-haired father! He has loads more common sense than I do and although he will make decisions for me in certain areas he is forcing me to learn how to make decisions on my own. I beg him to just tell me what to do and he refuses but offers advice. He also said not to go to any case management hearings or the sentencing. I will tell him I don't feel he should be there during the trial, but I will need him to be there after I leave the courtroom.

 

He apparently has had no experience with women like me. His past lovers have been progressive feminists, strong willed independent women. Something in him responds to my deference, the closest thing I can think is that he feels very protective of me. Which awakens a feeling of security in me. It's a feeling I crave more intensely than any drug I've ever taken, the sensation of feeling secure and safe....I have felt it only a handful of times in my life.

[prisoner]

Is it an invisible anticipation? One that seems only to be able to continue? Is it endless? Never actually resolved?

 

That is your Han. That is the steel rod. That is so great.

 

Okay Otter, let's get to it.

 

You should write a book. That is what I think. For you. For everyone else who is till yet to learn what you have learned. For you so that you can learn the rest of what there is. You should write a book.

 

It will be hard. It will be fun. It will be encouraging. It will be challenging. It will do the thing you least expect: It will make you realize that ALL of the horror you have experienced makes you the wonderful miracle you are.

 

See? It's crazy. It's strange. It does not make any sense. It is the truth though. The evil awful horrible things that have made you also do something else. They have no good in them, yes. They have no worth in them, yes. But combined with YOU and put in to the context of YOU they are not building blocks but the things that necessitate the building blocks.

 

You should write a book. It would help to set you free.

 

My father has lost his grip. Forty eight years of rum and cigarettes have made him a shell of the man I used to learn from. Now he tells the same story twice and he doesn't remember where he was yesterday.

 

It can be heart wrenching to talk to him. Seeing him struggle in a world I thought he invented. That is tough. I bet it is tough for you too.

 

And as for the less compassionate people of this world: I drin k to them every birthday. You know why? I am still here fighting which means I prove them wrong with every step I take. every laugh, every thought, every moment I have crushes them and is another arrow proving that Thyestes was right:

 

The fear of war is a greater evil than the war itself.

 

You should write a book.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by prisoner

Is it an invisible anticipation? One that seems only to be able to continue? Is it endless? Never actually resolved?

 

You should write a book.

 

I've been threatening to write a book for ages. I write often. Mainly poetry and short fiction.

 

I am in constant anticipation of seeing him. I love him, I really do. I can say that. Because I find him fascinating, I hunger to know more, he challenges me to be a better person, seeks to help me look at myself without degrading or attacking me.

 

But yet I do little things in my head to sabotage myself. I am happy but I still have to stop myself from pushing him away. It's the most bizarre, contrary thing. I keep thinking, the more he sees of "me" - the less he is likely to want to be with me. Does that make any sense? Like I am a beauty, on the outside. Pretty face, nice body, smooth skin, big glossy eyes and perfectly straight teeth. I make strenuous efforts to dress nicely, I always look "smart", as my lover says. Because I am utterly terrified to reveal the monster within, the twisted, scarred heart that I carry with me.

 

It's a conundrum. How can I be so confident in my looks and ability to attract men, but insecure about my ability to keep them with me. I have "issues" - there are so many other intelligent, beautiful women out there who AREN'T emotionally crippled.

 

I'm blue because of my cycle, I hope.

[prisoner]

Otter, if your heart was a dog in the middle of a rainy day would you ignore it or feed it? if your heart was a woman in the streets would you ignore her or help get her to a shelter?

 

What would your man do? See it is all about knowing that ignoring the monster is what makes it stronger. Like the monster in the closet. turn on the lights and boom they are gone.

 

Now it is going to take some time but I encourage you to embrace the pain and understand that you will be loved 'in spite of' those things. Of course what you say makes sense but then so does Baudelaire. He explains that the devil only knows the bounds you set. In other words, if you have a love that does not include all of you then it is not love at all. If you have a heart that does not include pain, then it is not a heart at all. If you have a life with out BOTH love and loss, then it is not a life at all. You have a complete life you are living. It makes you a miracle.

 

Those women you describe? I have had years of experience with them. they have Kate Spade handbags and social functions sure, but they also have pain and loneliness and not the where with all to combat them. they drink more gin than we realize and they are lost and broken with no way to go but down.

 

Think about it superstar! you have the where with all to have done so much already. You have all the strength (some you do not see) to do so much more.

 

At least you know it is sabotage.

 

At least you see that it is pain.

 

Otter, they are emotionally crippled. they just spend a lot of time covering it up instead of healing it once and for all.

 

be blue Otter, but remember that you are trying to break the cycle and no one can stop you.

[blind_otter]

I think that's why I rebelled against the antidepressants they put me on year before last. I didn't want to end up being one of those beautiful, brittle women. My mother is like that. She always taught me that the worse you feel inside, the more you need to cultivate your appearance and look put together, match your shoes and your bag, wear understated neutral lip colors because your mouth is already a lovely color, and emphasize your eyes, darling.

 

Well I feel a bit better. I went through a 3 hours long rough patch and breathed my way through it. Unrealistic expectations, bite me.

 

First my lover emails me to call him tonight. Then I tell him I won't because I'm in a funk. Then I email AGAIN and change my mind, saying that I need to accept that he needs to see the good and bad in me. Love me for me, not for the sweet nicey parts. Which are sweet, to be sure.

 

See, normally I might be freer with my emotional expression with him. Because I could always seduce him with my body. But thousands of miles and an ocean away, I have nothing but words on a page for him. And the sound of my very blue, dulled and tired voice. I hope he understands.

 

He is the type who would feed the dog. I am the type that would carry the mutt home with me, bathe him and keep him with me for the rest of his natural life, because rescued animals give a pure and true love that no other creature can mimic.

[prisoner]

i can tell you something. If I am having a rough time and I have to speak to my love I sing a song and rigvht when I finish I call. She can always hear the breathlesness and the enrgy in my voice. It is much better for her than hearing my blah blah blah.

 

Turns out she figured out my trick and does it herself sometimes.

 

Just try not to not call if there is resonance in your voice. The not calling is worse than anything.

 

Remember that those calls are the time you are spending together. Don't feel like talking? read him an article you liked. a poem. a chapter from a book.

 

anything is better than silence.

 

Now, you should do the same thing with your heart. You are doing the rescuing and you know what it is capable of when you come out the other side.

 

I know it is hard to be patient but it is worth it.

 

Now please understand: when I say write a book I do not mean it flippantly. I mean you should really put it on the agenda. Think about it in the car. in the bath. In the bar. When you run. When you wait. When you are walking. Talking.

 

make lists. pros and cons. times you should be writing. things you would write about.

 

write a book Otter. I have written several and know iot is a journey for the few. You, it is right for.

 

I am glad you are feeling better. I would bake you banana bread. I do that for people I know who are blue. They give me Oreos. That helps the best? What is your favourite food?