Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[S2B]

I'm confused about your timeline.

 

Your prior thread stated this past Feb that you'd been seeing him 4 months. Now you say 2 years?

 

And even then he was taking you on dates and completely disappearing for extended periods of time.

 

Reading your back history...it looks like you missed the red flags. He was married the whole time and ignored you when he was with his wife.

 

I also doubt his Dad was sick. And I doubt he travels THAT much for work.

 

He needed an excuse for his lost time (or when he was missing for days/weeks at a time). He was absent because he was playing his role of husband.

 

Next time pay attention to your gut. Your gut has been screaming at you since last fall.

 

You had plenty of ques that showed this guy was unresponsive and unreliable.

 

If he presented as a divorced guy you could have recognized those warning signs...there were plenty.

[Mount]

Come on, in this case, that guy is not even in relationship with this OP yet, it has been an imagining fantasy so far.

 

The OP is dancing a solo yet imaging she is waltzing with some guy whom non-exists in her "romance".

 

To be fair to the OP, pretty much all the MM being spoken about here are low and yet the OWS get support, with the FULL knowledge he is married.

 

Expose him and then move on with your life. His wife needs to know the truth and if they're seperated , she'll say thanks but we're not together like that anymore. At least that's what I'd say.

 

I am totally supportive of exposure.

[Babs22]

I think this needs to be highlighted again. I think the fact you didn't have sex, so I severely question that you guys were lovers, that this is a pattern for you, I believe you create relationships in your head that do not exist - not fully. So I don't think you should tell because I don't think there is anything TO tell that is actually based on reality.

 

I am sorry, I know you are hurting, but I think you need psychological help that is far more than what LoveShack can give you.

 

I agree with Got it. I do not think you should contact the wife in any way, shape or form. I do not believe there is anything to tell. You have said that you did not have sex with this MM, so none of us are clear as to what you mean when you say, you took it to the next level? I do not think this relationship would qualify as an affair. If anything it might be an EA, but I don't think it was on his part. If it was a physical affair, then you need to explain to everyone here how it was physical because your statements are confusing. You stated that you are lovers but that you have not had sex?? That is confusing and you have not answered any questions about how your relationship was physical when we have asked.

 

This man's wife did not do anything to warrant the pain you want to inflict on her. She is totally innocent in this whole thing. If the MM did not believe he was in a relationship with you, and only you thought it was somehow a serious relationship, you would be inflicting undo pain on an innocent person with no cause. I do not believe you want to tell her because "it is the right thing to do", I think you want to tell his wife to hurt him and to hurt her (She didn't do anything!). Please do not do anything for at least a couple of weeks. If you are not in counseling, I think seeing a counselor so you can process all this would be a good idea.

[sandylee1]

I agree with you, but... I'm not even sure there has been an affair. There's certainly been no sex, (best I can tell) no pictures of them together, no cards, presents, etc. Im beginning to think this "relationship" might only be a figment of the OPs imagination. She claims he's visited prostitutes, only because he's visited Amsterdam with his male friends. Something just seems really off. It was suggested that she talk to this guy, no response, it's been suggested that she gather more information, no response. She's highly pissed at this guys wife, who has done absolutely nothing to her, yet her main goal is blowing her world up, for spite.

 

Reading back over OPs history, it just seems to be a pattern of picking wrong/unavailable men, then getting upset when they treat her like crap.

 

I'm getting confused here. I didn't realise the OP wasn't sleeping with the MM. I thought she meant she wasn't sleeping with the other guys she dated. Isn't that why the OP said his wife should get tested for STIs because he wasnt careful. Maybe I've misunderstood somewhere along the way.

 

Now if it wasn't physical and you didn't exchange loving messages , then maybe this is just a friendship. Then again, why would he take you to his house?

[so gutted]

I'm getting confused here. I didn't realise the OP wasn't sleeping with the MM. I thought she meant she wasn't sleeping with the other guys she dated. Isn't that why the OP said his wife should get tested for STIs because he wasnt careful. Maybe I've misunderstood somewhere along the way.

 

Now if it wasn't physical and you didn't exchange loving messages , then maybe this is just a friendship. Then again, why would he take you to his house?

 

We did have sex. He did have an affair. He was married.

[SoulCat]

We went from friends to well lovers. Not sex.

 

 

We did have sex.

 

 

I'm confused.

[so gutted]

I'm confused.

 

When he took things further from friendship we didnt. After that we did.

 

When we first got intimate i asked him what took him so long he said he waiting for the right moment, indicating he had thought about it.

[scorpiogirl]

Just stop. Stop this nonsense. You're desperate to marry and have children and lingering over this is getting you no closer. Stop blaming everyone.

 

Your threads here prove that you're nowhere near ready for a relationship. You reason like a scorned teenager every single time.

You weren't deceived. You played along hoping to bag a husband this time round.

I have no sympathy for you at all because you put yourself in this position.

[so gutted]

Just stop. Stop this nonsense. You're desperate to marry and have children and lingering over this is getting you no closer. Stop blaming everyone.

 

Your threads here prove that you're nowhere near ready for a relationship. You reason like a scorned teenager every single time.

You weren't deceived. You played along hoping to bag a husband this time round.

I have no sympathy for you at all because you put yourself in this position.

 

Thats helpful!

 

He had an affair, not me. I asked for clarity he lied - how can i be blamed fully for that?

[so gutted]

I agree with Got it. I do not think you should contact the wife in any way, shape or form. I do not believe there is anything to tell. You have said that you did not have sex with this MM, so none of us are clear as to what you mean when you say, you took it to the next level? I do not think this relationship would qualify as an affair. If anything it might be an EA, but I don't think it was on his part. If it was a physical affair, then you need to explain to everyone here how it was physical because your statements are confusing. You stated that you are lovers but that you have not had sex?? That is confusing and you have not answered any questions about how your relationship was physical when we have asked.

 

This man's wife did not do anything to warrant the pain you want to inflict on her. She is totally innocent in this whole thing. If the MM did not believe he was in a relationship with you, and only you thought it was somehow a serious relationship, you would be inflicting undo pain on an innocent person with no cause. I do not believe you want to tell her because "it is the right thing to do", I think you want to tell his wife to hurt him and to hurt her (She didn't do anything!). Please do not do anything for at least a couple of weeks. If you are not in counseling, I think seeing a counselor so you can process all this would be a good idea.

If you were the wife and your husband was sleeping with another woman regardless of how stupid the woman may have been, wouldnt you want to know?

 

Should she live in ignorant bliss?

 

Is he blameless?

He has caused me pain, yes i admit i ignored things but i did also ask him straight out if he was back with her and he said no.

[Sassy Girl]

Funny how the people who need counselling the most also avoid it the most,

[scorpiogirl]

Thats helpful!

 

He had an affair, not me. I asked for clarity he lied - how can i be blamed fully for that?

 

Stop playing the victim. All you want is for this wife to be as miserable as you are ( all your fault yes).

You're incredibly dangerous and I hope you spare other people from your victim attitude.

 

It's not your place to police his life. You don't know the whole story! No sympathy for you here at all!

[Got it]

So Gutted, PLEASE seek professional help. Have a therapist walk through all of this and let them advise you on what you should do.

 

I think you are just looking for people to agree with you without you really actually doing anything. Which is fine, sometimes that is all someone needs. But since you are all over the place, you are repeating the same patterns and there are discrepancies in your story, see someone in real life to really work through this. No one is doubting you are hurting but the why is nebulous.

 

I wish you peace.

[so gutted]

Stop playing the victim. All you want is for this wife to be as miserable as you are ( all your fault yes).

You're incredibly dangerous and I hope you spare other people from your victim attitude.

 

It's not your place to police his life. You don't know the whole story! No sympathy for you here at all!

 

I have no wish to hurt her but if he is doing this with me and others and we all stay silent we are as bad as him.

 

I am going to tell her if you could provide constructive tips on how i can limit her hurt that would be helpful.

 

Im miserable, yes caused by him.

 

Yes i take accountability, but i cannot walk away without communicating this. I wish i could. My friends have all backed this.

[so gutted]

So Gutted, PLEASE seek professional help. Have a therapist walk through all of this and let them advise you on what you should do.

 

I think you are just looking for people to agree with you without you really actually doing anything. Which is fine, sometimes that is all someone needs. But since you are all over the place, you are repeating the same patterns and there are discrepancies in your story, see someone in real life to really work through this. No one is doubting you are hurting but the why is nebulous.

 

I wish you peace.

 

I had a counsellor previously, they were not very in touch with online dating. It was awkward.

[SoulCat]

I had a counsellor previously, they were not very in touch with online dating. It was awkward.

 

 

 

Online dating is NOT the crux of your problems. You are.

In all your 50+ threads detailing your dating woes going back almost a decade YOU are the common denominator.

[Got it]

I had a counsellor previously, they were not very in touch with online dating. It was awkward.

 

That has nothing to do with anything. Your issue isn't online dating or the technology tied to online dating. Your issues are about you, your perception of other people, your culpability/accountability, and projections.

[Robert]

Let's make sure to keep the posts helpful and not hurtful, pulling up the past posts when appropriate is okay providing you are using it to provide on topic helpful advice for the thread starter rather than take a poke.

 

Thanks

[so gutted]

Let's make sure to keep the posts helpful and not hurtful, pulling up the past posts when appropriate is okay providing you are using it to provide on topic helpful advice for the thread starter rather than take a poke.

 

Thanks

 

Thanks. Im over the past ones. Im just trying to find someone with limited time and its clearly not working as i keep gettinf unavailable men.

[Mount]

By glancing your historical posts regarding dating regarding finding the man since year 2006, now is close to the end of year 2015, can't you not see something is /has not been working for your goal "finding a man".

 

Instead of wasting another 10 years and by then you will be close to 50, you should really do something to improve, or fix something within you. Be healthy first, which including mentally healthy, as well as physically well.

 

 

Thanks. Im over the past ones. Im just trying to find someone with limited time and its clearly not working as i keep gettinf unavailable men.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Mount

[so gutted]

By glancing your historical posts regarding dating regarding finding the man since year 2006, now is close to the end of year 2015, can't you not see something is /has not been working for your goal "finding a man".

 

Instead of wasting another 10 years and by then you will be close to 50, you should really do something to improve, or fix something within you. Be healthy first, which including mentally healthy, as well as physically well.

 

In my past i have not approached anyone's wife...

[anika99]

So gutted one thing I have noticed in your history is your tendency to become completely focused on the guys who are the most elusive. The ones who send mixed signals and who come on hard and then push you away. You have to ask yourself why these are the men you are attracted to? Why do you keep picking the same kind over and over again?

 

One possible reason is that it is you who is emotionally unavailable. Another thing I noticed in your past threads is that you use strong words to express your feelings but your feelings are actually quite shallow, undeveloped and fickle. For example in one thread you would talk about being absolutely "gutted" about some guy who hasn't called since the second date and just a few days or weeks later you would be "gutted" over some other guy. Over and over again, and you always sound deeply wounded but really none of these guys mean anything to you.

 

Something else that stood out. You have difficulty feeling or showing empathy for people. There were a few threads regarding guys who were going through something traumatic, like a friend or close relative would die, and your response would be to make it all about you and your feelings. You would post all worried that the tragedy was going to make the guy ignore Valentine's Day and obsessing over your own selfish feelings. When people would explain that people need time and space to grieve you always seemed sincerely puzzled by that. Like you really have no understanding or awareness of the feeling of other people. It's always "yeah but what about me"?.

 

This maybe married, maybe separated guy seems to have held your interest the longest and I think it's precisely for the reason that he hasn't ever been fully available to you the entire time. He remained emotionally aloof and elusive the whole time and that's how he kept you interested. You go after this type because deep down you are not really able to open up and connect because you are emotionally unavailable and closed off. All your many connections with guys are shallow and short lived. It all sounds so exhausting to me. Don't you want to just get off the roller coaster for a little while? Take a break from all this crazy dating multiple men and spend some time getting to know yourself?

 

Lastly there was a thread about a date you went on that took a nasty turn and ended up being what most people would consider a traumatic and life altering experience. It made me feel very sad for you (genuinely) but again you seemed to just brush it off and carried on as usual. I really think you are disconnected and don't know yourself. Take a year off from dating and spend some time with a counsellor.

[Got it]

In my past i have not approached anyone's wife...

 

Oh honey, you are really refusing to really look at the crux of the problem. You keep wanting to focus on the ancillary items and not the actual issues.

[Mount]

That is not the point in the content of my post.

 

Can you see the pattern here, what people communicated to you by meaning "Apple", you would totally (mis)understand as "Orange"..

 

No wonder you are getting where you are, because all the communications you perceived from people including your "men", dates, were mis-channeled in your brain/mind.

 

In my past i have not approached anyone's wife...

[so gutted]

So gutted one thing I have noticed in your history is your tendency to become completely focused on the guys who are the most elusive. The ones who send mixed signals and who come on hard and then push you away. You have to ask yourself why these are the men you are attracted to? Why do you keep picking the same kind over and over again?

 

One possible reason is that it is you who is emotionally unavailable. Another thing I noticed in your past threads is that you use strong words to express your feelings but your feelings are actually quite shallow, undeveloped and fickle. For example in one thread you would talk about being absolutely "gutted" about some guy who hasn't called since the second date and just a few days or weeks later you would be "gutted" over some other guy. Over and over again, and you always sound deeply wounded but really none of these guys mean anything to you.

 

Something else that stood out. You have difficulty feeling or showing empathy for people. There were a few threads regarding guys who were going through something traumatic, like a friend or close relative would die, and your response would be to make it all about you and your feelings. You would post all worried that the tragedy was going to make the guy ignore Valentine's Day and obsessing over your own selfish feelings. When people would explain that people need time and space to grieve you always seemed sincerely puzzled by that. Like you really have no understanding or awareness of the feeling of other people. It's always "yeah but what about me"?.

 

This maybe married, maybe separated guy seems to have held your interest the longest and I think it's precisely for the reason that he hasn't ever been fully available to you the entire time. He remained emotionally aloof and elusive the whole time and that's how he kept you interested. You go after this type because deep down you are not really able to open up and connect because you are emotionally unavailable and closed off. All your many connections with guys are shallow and short lived. It all sounds so exhausting to me. Don't you want to just get off the roller coaster for a little while? Take a break from all this crazy dating multiple men and spend some time getting to know yourself?

 

Lastly there was a thread about a date you went on that took a nasty turn and ended up being what most people would consider a traumatic and life altering experience. It made me feel very sad for you (genuinely) but again you seemed to just brush it off and carried on as usual. I really think you are disconnected and don't know yourself. Take a year off from dating and spend some time with a counsellor.

 

 

I agree what what you are saying. I am enotionally unavailable and i have no idea why.