Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[S2B]

lol. She is a person, deserving of respect. She is contemplating a huge conflict that she could walk away from, but feel bad about, its bugging her, thus the tread. That is not avoidance, that is critical thinking. 'How to do it right'.

 

Recognizing someone as a predator and not wishing to speak with them again is not conflict avoid ant. Telling there other victims is proactive.

 

smh...

 

I don't see it that way given her history.

 

 

There were so many signs that he was absent and still very much married; yet she overlooked them because she wanted him. She may still want him now.

[so gutted]

This place is like screaming your most personal problems into the pa system at an airport. You will get a lot of opinions, so use what feels right and try to ignore the rest.

 

Did he leave a message? If not then whatever.

 

In my opinion it is okay to date a separated person. Divorces take time and eventually people do move on, that is human nature. It is not okay to lie to single people about your status and lead them on, or do it and be prepared for what may happen. This guy does not act like someone who is divorcing. So he had to lie to you to attract you.

 

Hell, even formally divorced people start relationships with other people only to break their hearts and return to the ex that made them "miserable". There are no guarantees.

 

Its been about a week since your post so he is probably checking in to make sure you are still naive about things.

 

The whole push/pull, hot/cold play is an actual tactic revered by pick up artists and manipulators as it can spin people into feeling insecure and giving in or putting up with less then they should. For a married person, this is not so much an intentional ploy as more a time management issue, but from your side still very effective. People tend to value what is not readily available.

 

I understand wanting to tell her so that you can let go and stick up for at least yourself in the process. Personally, I think doing it is brave, I've been there and it took courage.

 

I don't understand the beat down you seem to be getting for wanting to let someone know a reality??? I got a whole lot of "you are crazy" posts on my thread as well and while most were cleaned up, it hurt to read. Much of it was other peoples' insecurities and projected pain. I see that now, but when you are in pain it hurts. Again, just rude passengers in the airport of life.

 

Will it hurt her, yes. Do you not let someone know their house is on fire, because that is rude? Even ruder to let them realize you were witness to who started it?

 

You seem like a healthy young woman who casually dates multiple men hoping to find a match that leads to marriage. Some would say that is logically the best way. Although you might want to look into more 'marriage' dating sites if that is your goal. Or ask yourself if that is really what you want for yourself or if this is something you are doing to please your parents. If bearing a child is important, could you do it on your own? Just thoughts for you to ponder.

 

As far as a letter...

 

I would start of by her name,

I am sorry to inform you that his name, has cheated on you.

 

I was under the impression that you two were separated and in route to divorce as this is what was conveyed to me.

 

Communicate how you discovered this was not the case. The video. That you were mortified and decided to let her know the truth so she can make an informed decision about her life. or such.

 

...facts section

Dates, times, you saw each other.

We were together intimately full on x number of times

the name of the movie you saw together, the dates of the father's illness

the name of friends (where you met them), cousins, locations, the house you visited, the phone number he used to contact you with, other contact methods.

Any tattoos, or body things, odd habits, etc...

 

Just the facts...

 

I would leave out the std test thing, but perhaps suggest the ease with which his name was able to do this leads me to believe the has done this before.

 

Give your phone number and suggest she check the phone records to ensure your number and the dates you gave line up.

 

Close it by again apologizing for unknowingly intruding into her life and promise to not intrude again. Then leave and (anonymous) gmail email account that she can follow up with should she have any further questions.

 

you name, and newly created email address.

 

If she responds you can take it from there as to return contact or not. If she ignores, is mean or dismissive, then let it go. If she is kind I would consider talking to her or at least agree to email answers for a limited period.

 

...............

keep logs of dates and times and numbers of all the times this guy will attempt to contact you throughout the process, he will and you should not respond even once. Not even to unknown numbers or texts.

 

Be prepared to change your number when you are done.

 

Finally, be prepared that she may very well stay in her relationship with him. You can only inform with kindness and let it go.

 

Good luck.

 

Wow - thank you. This is very helpful.very ... I feel lighter.

[so gutted]

I understand. He told you he was seperated, but from the video you saw, you believe that was untrue....right?

 

You slept with him.

He took you to his house

He introduced you to some family members...did he introduce you as a GF? If so, then expose him.

 

 

The crux of the matter is you believe you were deceived. True?

 

Follow my suggestion a few pages ago and send her a message via DB. You can create a fake FB profile to do so, that's a common thing that the BWs do when necessary. It's not childish at all.

 

If you don't wish to identify yourself, you can say 'I have some information regarding your husband [insert name ], in relation to an affair that has been going on for X months. Please call me on 1234567890 for further details. If you don't want further information, please call (not text) to confirm receipt of my message so I know it has not been intercepted'

 

I advise you to use another phone /sim card to protect your identity. You can actually reveal all without saying who you are. If you provide specific info , like the house, other personal things you'd only know by being that close him.

 

Feel free to PM me. I was once deceived by a guy like this but he wasn't married, he had a GF. I was super pi***d off for the idiot wasting my time and being a lying rat.

Thanks - im sorry for your pain.

[so gutted]

And I'm left wondering why his call went unanswered.

 

OP, are you always this conflict avoidant?

 

You had a golden opportunity to take his call and team him a new a-hole (deservedly) why didn't you use your voice and answer the call and provide him with honesty about how terrible he has acted?

 

His wife didn't act badly - HE DID! Take out your anger on the right person = him!

 

I was not ready to talk to him. I did not want to tip him off that i know...

[S2B]

What did his message say?

[so gutted]

No message...

 

He is probably checkingto see if hr has been caught out. Let him sweat.

[cif]

He's probably prepping his wife about you.

[so gutted]

He's probably prepping his wife about you.

 

I doubt he cares that much.

[kendahke]

 

And why didn't you answer? YOU have things you need to say!!! Speak your truth by having a voice!

 

because it was attention from him, it made her feel a sense of power and it serves to buy time because she's not ready to end this drama.

[SoulCat]

because it was attention from him, it made her feel a sense of power and it serves to buy time because she's not ready to end this drama.

 

 

I tend to agree with this. Going by this thread and more tellingly the OP's previous ones, she thrives on drama. She feeds on it.

 

Whereas others would have walked away, shrugged their shoulders and chalked things up to experience, she chooses to make a huge deal out of minor things and blow things way out of proportion.

 

 

So Gutted, I side with the wise LS folks who have suggested you seek professional help.

[Mount]

Sometime it is sad as so many women "thrive on" drama decades by decades, from their precious 20s', 30's down to middle age 40s' and 50s and then elderly ages.

 

 

People don't change easily which has been commonly known, just hope they don't waste so many decades without gain anything positive on their lives. They certainly do not gain sanity from the decades of drama.

 

 

because it was attention from him, it made her feel a sense of power and it serves to buy time because she's not ready to end this drama.

[S2B]

Sometime it is sad as so many women "thrive on" drama decades by decades, from their precious 20s', 30's down to middle age 40s' and 50s and then elderly ages.

 

 

People don't change easily which has been commonly known, just hope they don't waste so many decades without gain anything positive on their lives. They certainly do not gain sanity from the decades of drama.

 

But the drama creates ego strokes, right?

[hardlesson]

I occasionally torture myself with thoughts of telling his wife, even though it's been some time since I left the married man. Looking back, in the early days when I first found out the guy was married, I wanted to tell her because I felt resentment towards her.

 

These days when I think about telling her, it's coming from a place where I want revenge on this man for screwing with my life.

 

Neither are good places to be.

 

So I've decided that I won't tell her. She's the innocent party in all of this. And...I guess I've convinced myself that he'll eventually mess up and get found out as I am sure he's seeing someone else. That's the type of man he is.

 

I hope you can find happiness x

[S2B]

Did you return his call?

 

If so, what was discussed?

[underpants]

Hey Gutted,

 

Its been a week, how are you holding up?

 

I hope you have remained no contact with this guy.

 

If you are still planning on informing you should note the date of the last time you two communicated as well as his failed attempts to contact you.

 

You may want to include a statement that you wish to have no further contact with him, and mean it. Become a ghost.

 

She will not want to believe it, she will want to verify as much as she can, and he will lie. That is why it is important to include details and to be truthful.

 

In my case he attempted to contact me after I exposed (stupid), and I just forwarded the messages to her until I finally just changed my number, (I let her know this) and let the whole thing go.

 

As you gain distance through time you will gain perspective.

 

Hang in there.

[so gutted]

Hey Gutted,

 

Its been a week, how are you holding up?

 

I hope you have remained no contact with this guy.

 

If you are still planning on informing you should note the date of the last time you two communicated as well as his failed attempts to contact you.

 

You may want to include a statement that you wish to have no further contact with him, and mean it. Become a ghost.

 

She will not want to believe it, she will want to verify as much as she can, and he will lie. That is why it is important to include details and to be truthful.

 

In my case he attempted to contact me after I exposed (stupid), and I just forwarded the messages to her until I finally just changed my number, (I let her know this) and let the whole thing go.

 

As you gain distance through time you will gain perspective.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks for asking.

 

I have not sent it. Its written out and ready but i am not feeling comfortable with telling her yet.

 

I did not return the call. Im 50/50 at the moment.

 

I will think about it a bit longer due to the consquences on her and me. I do not want to be looking over my shoulder or waiting for him or her to react.

 

The thing is its making me bitter and now i doubt all men, not good. A close friend said i am crowded with negativity, i dont want to be like this.

 

This has not gone away. I feel traumatised.

[so gutted]

I occasionally torture myself with thoughts of telling his wife, even though it's been some time since I left the married man. Looking back, in the early days when I first found out the guy was married, I wanted to tell her because I felt resentment towards her.

 

These days when I think about telling her, it's coming from a place where I want revenge on this man for screwing with my life.

 

Neither are good places to be.

 

So I've decided that I won't tell her. She's the innocent party in all of this. And...I guess I've convinced myself that he'll eventually mess up and get found out as I am sure he's seeing someone else. That's the type of man he is.

 

I hope you can find happiness x

 

It just seems unfair that these men can cause so much damage and get the benefits and walk away guiltfree.

[CarrieT]

It just seems unfair that these men can cause so much damage and get the benefits and walk away guiltfree.

 

A) People who deceive often don't know the damage they are causing - so you are projecting.

 

B) You are also projecting their "benefits." Since you are not inside their brain and their life, you are supposing what their life to be and the "benefits" you assume they are receiving. Since you haven't confronted him on the subject, you really Do Not Know.

 

C) They may have nothing to feel guilty about so - again - you are assuming and projecting.

 

 

Don't you see how twisted you have made all this?

[SoulCat]

It just seems unfair that these men can cause so much damage and get the benefits and walk away guiltfree.

 

You let them cause damage. There were huge red flags early on that you chose to ignore. You should have walked away at the first sign of trouble, but you didn't. Own that.

 

 

You really ought to examine why you keep finding yourself in these type of situations. It's not healthy. And it won't make for a stable, healthy long term relationship.

 

 

I'd urge you to take up counselling again.

[underpants]

Thanks for asking.

 

I have not sent it. Its written out and ready but i am not feeling comfortable with telling her yet.

 

I did not return the call. Im 50/50 at the moment.

 

I will think about it a bit longer due to the consequences on her and me. I do not want to be looking over my shoulder or waiting for him or her to react.

 

The thing is its making me bitter and now i doubt all men, not good. A close friend said i am crowded with negativity, i dont want to be like this.

 

This has not gone away. I feel traumatised.

 

Sorry to hear you are down. I understand.

 

I wouldn't return his call. If it is so important he would leave a message. Wth, talk about a breadcrumb. Document the date/time and number of the attempts but don't give in and contact.

 

It took me about a month to go through with sending my letter. Its one thing to tell someone you slept with their partner last week, and another to say 'here is what happened and you should know'. So take some time.

 

In my situation I closed my letter by saying that 'I had been cheated on in the past and one thing that hurt was 'friends' who knew that said nothing, so I'm letting you know.' That I never wanted to speak to or see Mr. Liar again and that whatever she chose to do with the information was up to her.

 

I did a lot of walking. The exercise was a great way to clear my head and just focus on the next step. Gosh, some days I walked over 12 miles.

 

Hey, at least you are not the one married to this guy, right... I know that kind of sucks to hear, but he really is not that great. 3 kids, ahhh no.

 

In my process, I worried that he would try to contact me again (and he did) and that is what provoked me to send the letter. I worried she would find out eventually (find some evidence down the road), or with another contact attempt, and he would be able to spin things however suited him.

 

I was 'looking over my shoulder' regardless. It is a crap situation. So I put myself in front of it and navigated myself out of the entire mess as best that I could.

 

Saying that I would weigh how things could play out against you. I'm not sure of any laws where you are so you should look at that. In my case there was a surge of anxiety (fear of blow back) and sweet vindication but that faded as the days turned into weeks after the disclosure. All that is gone and I think I did the right thing in my case. I'm sure he is still a user, but he will think twice before screwing with single ladies or he won't, whatever.

 

Good luck to you, although, even though it doesn't feel like it, you are the lucky one here. You are free.

 

Go outside and celebrate your awesomeness.

[MJJean]

I don't see it that way given her history.

 

 

There were so many signs that he was absent and still very much married; yet she overlooked them because she wanted him. She may still want him now.

Signs like he TOLD her he is married and NOT getting a divorce?

 

Look, Gutted, I've been married and was both WW and BW. Believe me, I am not judging.

 

The reality is that you were friends with and then had sex with a married man. Period. You knew he was married. And you knew he wasn't divorcing. You aren't a victim here. Nor are you innocent.

 

It's one thing to start something with a MM who has filed divorce and is just waiting on the court date. Quite another to mess around with a MM who has stated he won't be divorcing at all.

 

Send the message to the wife. A simple message letting her know he had a friendship with you and then it became physical, you thought he was separated, saw the video and realized he lied, apologize, and sign off. At that point, gathering evidence and deciding what to do is on her.

[so gutted]

Signs like he TOLD her he is married and NOT getting a divorce?

 

Look, Gutted, I've been married and was both WW and BW. Believe me, I am not judging.

 

The reality is that you were friends with and then had sex with a married man. Period. You knew he was married. And you knew he wasn't divorcing. You aren't a victim here. Nor are you innocent.

 

It's one thing to start something with a MM who has filed divorce and is just waiting on the court date. Quite another to mess around with a MM who has stated he won't be divorcing at all.

 

Send the message to the wife. A simple message letting her know he had a friendship with you and then it became physical, you thought he was separated, saw the video and realized he lied, apologize, and sign off. At that point, gathering evidence and deciding what to do is on her.

 

I did not say that he wasnt getting a divorce. He said he was seperated and wants her to move on at some point. He said he had the kids because he could give them a better life. That was on day 1. After the relationship changed i asked again about the wife.

 

He said they were not together. He spends a lot of time with friends, travelling for work or on holiday with men. I had no reason to doubt his seperation until the video.

[S2B]

I did not say that he wasnt getting a divorce. He said he was seperated and wants her to move on at some point. He said he had the kids because he could give them a better life. That was on day 1. After the relationship changed i asked again about the wife.

 

He said they were not together. He spends a lot of time with friends, travelling for work or on holiday with men. I had no reason to doubt his seperation until the video.

 

You did have other reasons to doubt him, look at your threads.

 

You questioned many things he was doing/not doing.

 

He disappeared all the time. You wanted to end it, but didn't.

 

These ARE red flags. Do you not even see them now, after the fact?

[so gutted]

You did have other reasons to doubt him, look at your threads.

 

You questioned many things he was doing/not doing.

 

He disappeared all the time. You wanted to end it, but didn't.

 

These ARE red flags. Do you not even see them now, after the fact?

 

Yes, i do BUT i did ask him. He lied. Short of asking him what could i do?

[S2B]

Yes, i do BUT i did ask him. He lied. Short of asking him what could i do?

 

You need to learn to listen to your intuition.

 

It was kicking you that whole time, yet you ignored it.