Just found out he deceived me for 2 years

[Got it]

So gutted - I too think you are reacting and not really thinking things through. Now I agree, I don't see the issue with dating someone legally separated and it is VERY common in the metro area I am in. Since the states around me have a year wait people do not wait to start dating - that is ridiculous.

 

But! That doesn't mean one is not going to be hurt - which can happen at any marital status.

 

I think you have conflicting evidence here so before jumping to conclusions, which you are doing, take a deep breath and I would start addressing people with the information.

 

So if I was in your shoes i would:

 

1. Contact wife on Facebook and ask to talk and disclose you have been dating what maybe her husband. That alone could clear up everything for you.

 

2. Confront your boyfriend. Explain to him what you saw, and tell him your concerns. If he is on the up and up tell him you want his (ex) wife's phone number, or have the three of you meet, so you can see that everything is okay. It may all be a misunderstanding and he should be okay with this. If he gets upset, angry, defensive, you have your answer.

 

3. Then based on those two items, make the best decision for yourself.

 

While I completely agree the video is concerning and would have my alarm bells ringing I don't think it is enough to do a blitz kreig on him yet.

 

If this alone has been too much of a deal breaker for you, then call or email him, tell him that this isn't working for you, I would tell him the truth on why, and then walk away.

 

Good luck.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I think you've every right to be angry and I don't blame you one bit. 8 just question why there were no women's clothes or any evidence of the wife in his house.

 

Could it be a second home? Or one only he owns?

 

Although I think he's an absolute cheat, I recall a friend of mine coming to a wedding with his STBXW and someone was coming round taking pictures ......if they saw the picture of this couple they'd have thought they were very much together, but they weren't. Pictures and video's aren't always a true reflection of the reality.

 

I ultimately think you should tell his wife. If you're bitter you've every right to be.

 

I was deceived by a guy once who was in a LTR. I just cut him loose, because I know his GF thought he was such a catch and wouldn't have left him. Plus he knew where I lived and I didn't want any backlash. Finally , I really wasn't overly into him so I wasn't that fussed. He wasn't my type physically and his best point was being good in bed, so he wasn't a huge loss.

 

Do what you gotta do, but protect yourself in the process.

[so gutted]

OP

 

I think you've every right to be angry and I don't blame you one bit. 8 just question why there were no women's clothes or any evidence of the wife in his house.

 

Could it be a second home? Or one only he owns?

 

Although I think he's an absolute cheat, I recall a friend of mine coming to a wedding with his STBXW and someone was coming round taking pictures ......if they saw the picture of this couple they'd have thought they were very much together, but they weren't. Pictures and video's aren't always a true reflection of the reality.

 

I ultimately think you should tell his wife. If you're bitter you've every right to be.

 

I was deceived by a guy once who was in a LTR. I just cut him loose, because I know his GF thought he was such a catch and wouldn't have left him. Plus he knew where I lived and I didn't want any backlash. Finally , I really wasn't overly into him so I wasn't that fussed. He wasn't my type physically and his best point was being good in bed, so he wasn't a huge loss.

 

Do what you gotta do, but protect yourself in the process.

 

This is it, how do i protect myself. He has pictures of me in a bikini (not with him) he might use these as revenge. I think she will stay with him but that doesnt mean she shouldnt know what is going on.

 

I just want to tell her all the facts and remove myself.

[Got it]

This is it, how do i protect myself. He has pictures of me in a bikini (not with him) he might use these as revenge. I think she will stay with him but that doesnt mean she shouldnt know what is going on.

 

I just want to tell her all the facts and remove myself.

 

Again, you are assuming some world ending impact on you that may not happen. Why do you think it will? So what he as a picture of you in a bathing suit. Why does that mean anything? How can that be used against you? Are you not allowed to wear bikinis?

 

If you feel she needs to know then tell her. If you are proactively informing her , answering any questions, providing evidence, etc. the likelihood of her turning on you is slim. She may not want further information and ask you disappear.

 

And you know the truth about the situation, your intentions, etc. So hold your head high and just speak the truth.

[Zagan]

Why would you tell his wife to get herself tested for STI's when you have no proof whatsoever that he was dating anybody other than you? That's just adding extra cruelty to something that you already shouldn't be doing.

[kendahke]

Thank you. Yes i could have seen things but isnt the onus on him to be truthful?

 

But nothing. The onus is on both of you to stand in your truth. You saw things and chose to dismiss them/discount their importance in exchange for being with him. The fact that he needed to be truthful is non sequitur to you already knowing enough truth to decide this guy is too fragmented to be whole for you.

 

Btw i do not want him at all, this is not even closure its being rightful and living with myself. Why am i feeling disgustedwith myself? I was faithful.

 

Because you are mainlining drama through speculation. Have you spoken with him yet? A lot of this will end when you hear what he has to say.

[kendahke]

I am still wondering how he pulled off taking you to his house multiple times and there were none of his wives things there?

 

Not only that, but this mutual friend OP shares with the wife... are they also saying that dude is still married to the wife? I'm surprised OP hasn't been pumping her for information--she'd get a lot further with her than with any of us with something concrete she can use.

[sandylee1]

Not only that, but this mutual friend OP shares with the wife... are they also saying that dude is still married to the wife? I'm surprised OP hasn't been pumping her for information--she'd get a lot further with her than with any of us with something concrete she can use.

 

A MM recently had a MFM threesome with this OW and his friend , who is a friend of the wife too. Guys often stick together on these things.

[sandylee1]

This is it, how do i protect myself. He has pictures of me in a bikini (not with him) he might use these as revenge. I think she will stay with him but that doesnt mean she shouldnt know what is going on.

 

I just want to tell her all the facts and remove myself.

 

The bikini is nothing. Don't worry about that.

 

Don't you have any pics of him? No texts or emails at all?

 

He never sent an 'I love you ' text?

[so gutted]

The bikini is nothing. Don't worry about that.

 

Don't you have any pics of him? No texts or emails at all?

 

He never sent an 'I love you ' text?

 

I have texts where he asked for the bikini photo, the best texts were not backed up. I could screenshot these ones. The detail and dates will surely work (all special days, valentines day, new years eve, his birthday etc). He was with me.

[trolloperative]

All this over a video on fakebook?

 

If he's happily separated but can't divorce, he'll be glad his wife would be upset/ignoring/leaving him to carry on with his affairs. Your email might backfire. Obviously you were not the only one he's been cheating with. I'd be surprised if BS doesn't already know about his indiscretions.

[whichwayisup]

I think you should end it with him and tell him why. That you feel like he's fooled you, lied to you, allowed you to meet his family and friends, and you know that he is still very married and you want absolutely NOTHING to do with him anymore. Don't say a word about telling his wife, don't tip him off otherwise he's going to turn it all around on you.

 

Wait until you've calmed down before contacting his wife. (DO NOT contact her sister and drag her into this, or any of the friends. Later you can blast the friends another time but not now).

[Mount]

How come you did not have birthday cards, holiday cards, text msg with his I love you with his signature? If not how come you did not question that, as it is obvious red flag. Instead you would rather living with the "elephant" in the room for two year but did not ask for clarification, now you were just using Facebook post to question his obvious strange behavior, that should have been easily discovered from more daily trails.

 

 

You get what you ask for, you choose to live in self-denial somehow.

 

 

I have texts where he asked for the bikini photo, the best texts were not backed up. I could screenshot these ones. The detail and dates will surely work (all special days, valentines day, new years eve, his birthday etc). He was with me.

[so gutted]

All this over a video on fakebook?

 

If he's happily separated but can't divorce, he'll be glad his wife would be upset/ignoring/leaving him to carry on with his affairs. Your email might backfire. Obviously you were not the only one he's been cheating with. I'd be surprised if BS doesn't already know about his indiscretions.

 

When i did check her fb (i refuse to now) she was posting stuff about her lifestyle, i think she knows but the lifestyle softens the blow.

 

There is a difference between knowing like that (a suspicion) and me telling her.

 

I think he was living with her in another house as he did not have enough of his things in this house. This is his love nest.

[ShatteredLady]

When you say you've met 'family' do you mean parents, uncles & aunts, grandparents etc? If you just mean a couple of cousins it's not the same thing at all. I have cousins that are like close friends. They would cover or encourage indescretions (have with other cousins) unlike other family members.

[GunslingerRoland]

This doesn't make any sense to me, how could you be with someone for so long and not be able to tell that they still live with their spouse?

 

And if you are with him for every special occasion doesn't that stand out to his wife?

 

I don't know what purpose revenge is going to serve at this point. But to me if after 18 months at that age, you aren't past the point of "lightly dating" you'd might as well move on anyway, whether he is separated or not.

[CarrieT]

I'm with the others: OP, you are over-reacting without confirming a suspicion. And plotting a revenge based on assumptions?

 

Foolish...

[Pastypop]

Just contact her anonymously and tell her that you found his name in the AM data dump. He and all his buddies probably have accounts out there if he has been cheating for 2 years. Even if his doesn't she will be more suspicious of him going forward.

[so gutted]

Just contact her anonymously and tell her that you found his name in the AM data dump. He and all his buddies probably have accounts out there if he has been cheating for 2 years. Even if his doesn't she will be more suspicious of him going forward.

 

Whats AM?

 

I think i have enough info to make her think. She can always check the cameras and see me arriving leaving if i give her the dates. She cannot doubt what i say as i have written it very carefully, not emotionally. His friend (that i knew and met) clearly knows the wife for years because he wished her happy birthday and apologised he couldnt make it but would visit them when he was back. The friend is his best friend. She willbe hurt by the double betrayal.

 

I met his cousin, who got very drunk and admitted that he was on websites looking for women (despite being married). The family must all be like this.

[so gutted]

This doesn't make any sense to me, how could you be with someone for so long and not be able to tell that they still live with their spouse?

 

And if you are with him for every special occasion doesn't that stand out to his wife?

 

I don't know what purpose revenge is going to serve at this point. But to me if after 18 months at that age, you aren't past the point of "lightly dating" you'd might as well move on anyway, whether he is separated or not.

 

It was not a relationship like that. I saw him here and there. I was dating others, as he was not the one but i guess i thoughtthere was something there. This doesnt excuse his affair.

[Got it]

It was not a relationship like that. I saw him here and there. I was dating others, as he was not the one but i guess i thoughtthere was something there. This doesnt excuse his affair.

 

Then if you were dating others as well it wasn't that serious and let it go.

 

What are you looking for here? Help plotting revenge? You have been given some very reasonable and logical advice which you completely disregard. Seems more like you want to spin some revenge fantasy than to actually attempt to find out the truth.

[so gutted]

Then if you were dating others as well it wasn't that serious and let it go.

 

What are you looking for here? Help plotting revenge? You have been given some very reasonable and logical advice which you completely disregard. Seems more like you want to spin some revenge fantasy than to actually attempt to find out the truth.

 

It wasnt a fling or casual it was a relationship. He discussed a lot with me, im hurt by the betrayal. Even if i was seeing others, i was not married. Its not revenge its morality.

[beatcuff]

It wasnt a fling or casual it was a relationship. He discussed a lot with me, im hurt by the betrayal. Even if i was seeing others, i was not married. Its not revenge its morality.

 

i can't believe that i am biting...

 

OP maybe it would help if you define what you think a relationship is because you say you were in one but you were dating others?

 

earlier you stated you had "strong morals" but was in a relationship (sic) with a married man and now even thou in a relationship (sic) you were dating others.

 

and you still refuse to ask the man you are in a relationship (sic) with about his ex's post.

 

i am getting an ice cream headache.

[Zagan]

That's if they were even in a relationship at all. It sounds to me like she's obsessed with the bloke which is why she can't ask him anything, because he probably has absolutely no idea. It might have been a couple of dates early on or nothing at all.

 

I mean seriously, you wanna destroy the lives of an entire family for somebody you weren't even exclusive with? You are unhinged and that might have something to do with why you can't get a feller permanently.

 

2 years and not one text saying I love you or anything about sex, no cards .. Nothing.. Just one about a bikini .. There's red flags here alright and they ain't coming from him.

Edited September 9, 2015 by Zagan

[GemmaUK]

You seem to be making bits and pieces up as you go along.

 

In post #84 you said

I was faithful

Now you are saying you were seeing other men as well.

 

I don't know nor care whether he is with or not with his wife any more.

You clearly are too scared to ask him about the video - which makes me think that you two aren't in a relationship at all and never really were so you actually have n reason to talk to him.

 

I think you are wanting to write to his wife for drama/attention seeking purposes, possibly even just drama on a thread purposes.