Narcissistic Abuse

[turnera]

You're doing therapy, right?

[NewLeaf512]

Yes. I agree. I've had 10 years no contact with my father and that works out well. I realized no matter how much I'd like to try to stand my ground with a Narcissist I always become emotionally undone. They have a strange power over me that I'm beginning to learn about. This site I came across is helpful:

 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtIVcBdfm2hZGd0V0tEFtxw

 

Narcissistic men can be very engaging and seductive. I'm beginning to learn how to resist their charms and develop boundaries. New territory for me.

 

 

I sent you a PM. It took me years of therapy to know why these type of people are attracted to me, and why in the past I allowed it, and now I know how to ensure it doesn't happen again.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm see it for the other , I'm dating a woman who was abused by her narcissist ex husband. She is a beautiful educated , and very sweet she's also the most wonderful mother in the world. She has self doubt issues, trust issues she can't make decisions on her own.If we calls her drops everything she's doing.Even after we left her for a 26 year old and he is 50. I love her , I support anyway I can, comfort her, most of all I show her true and she still can't handle it. He controls her live and mine now. It's heart breaking. I'm that the point should i stay or run.

 

 

So I have been on this side (recently) and on the other side (I was married to a man I believe and my therapist believes was a narcissist although he is now deceased so cant be evaluated)

 

 

It's my belief that spouses and former spouses of narcissists / borderlines (if they can ever break free and divorce) depending on the length of exposure and how abusive the PD was, are never ever able to have a normal relationship without a LOT of therapy and NC with the person with the PD.

 

 

That is my opinion and also based on my therapy work.

[NewLeaf512]

I was with someone who had some intense narcissistic traits: lack of empathy, didn't have any remorse of using people (not sexually but in other ways), he literally couldn't see past his nose, everyone was just an extension of himself and his needs and aspirations. Everyone else was just a pawn to help his plans and his idea of fulfillment.

 

I haven't forgiven this person for the pain he caused me and other people (yeah, he abused my and other women's love concurrently and he tricked us all, I felt sorry for these women as much as I did for myself). And I still feel angry. But I slowly came to see that this is all he knows and that's what he'll always have. He's not able to recognize love, he can't give it and he can't receive it. Love is a game for him, where one wins and the other loses.

 

It must be terrible to not be able to recognize when you are loved unconditionally. I think it's not his fault, it's the way he's wired and there's not much he can do about it. Having these traits and checking all the Borderline personality boxes is too big of a burden. A bit tragic, if you want my opinion. There's a lot of self-loathing and struggling going on in a narcissist's / borderline's world, my ex boyfriend literally hated himself and was in a lot of pain because of it.

 

 

they don't need love. they need adulation

[NewLeaf512]

Narcissists have no empathy for others, as they have no empathy for themselves, therefore they have no self-insight or self-knowledge. They have no concept of love nor hate, therefore they cannot self-love nor self-hate, thus cannot extend love or hate to others. They view people, including themselves, as objects.

 

When a narcissist does show feelings such as empathy, compassion, affection or self-attack, self-loathing etc, they are merely feigned to gain favour or sympathy from others to get what they want. When they apologize as salparadise mentions, again, this is not genuine, it's using the same manipulative tactic to keep the victim(enabler) in their clutches.

 

We have to remember, narcissism is a product of extreme ongoing childhood abuse, inflicted upon by the parent(s)/caretaker(s) of these children. Their dysfunctional behavioural patterns are so deep-rooted, it seems unlikely that any kind of self-insight and healing is possible.

 

I can't help but be reminded of the neglected little Portugese girl, Isabel, who was kept in a chicken coop for the first 8 years of her life. When discovered by social services she could not talk and could only communicate by flapping her bent arms and clawing the ground. She was never able to develop the social skills to form relationships with other people. The childhood of a narcissist can be compared to that of Isabel's, being trapped in a world of complete dysfunction.

 

 

The above is completely true. Id like to add one more reason if I may. A child with a difference, learning difficulty, diabetes that requires treatment, or anything else that means they need help from caregivers/parents, can be so shielded by over protection: "I'm scared to leave you alone" "I am worried about what could happen to you if I am not here to care for you" etc all told to the child, and the parent never allowing the child to have any independence at all can produce the same result.

[Heatherknows]

I know it's often said that narcissists are devoid of empathy, compassion, ability to feel affection... the range of emotions through which healthy people attach, care and form affectionate relationships. However, I don't believe it's quite as black and white as most of the articles tend to portray it. Yes, they do learn to simulate, but I also think they have some limited access to these emotions, depending upon the severity of their dysfunction. But such feelings are scary to a narcissist because they make them feel vulnerable, and they retreat from them to protect the fragile core... whereas a healthy person does not feel so threatened and vulnerable that they need to suppress those feelings, because they have an in-tact sense of self that is not a fabrication and does not shrink or expand in response to transient feelings and external stimuli.

 

 

This is what makes having a relationship with a a Narc so confusing. An interaction with a Narc a lot of times feels more like a "con" than a "conversation. IMHO

[truthtripper]

This is what makes having a relationship with a a Narc so confusing. An interaction with a Narc a lot of times feels more like a "con" than a "conversation. IMHO

The only people who will tolerate and end up having "relationships" with narcissists are those who find their abusive and confusing behaviours familiar(we don't make friends with people whose behaviours are unfamiliar to us), they don't pick up on the red flags ie-people who have been affected by narcissism to varying degrees, in their childhood conditioning-whereas people who have experienced a more healthy upbringing will not naturally gravitate towards narcissists. People who end up leaving narcissistic relationships, do so because their narc partner pushed them beyond the point of familiarity, beyond the point of abuse they experienced by their narc mother/father/caretakers etc. or they have begun to develop some self-awareness.

Edited September 30, 2015 by truthtripper
unfinished

[truthtripper]

The above is completely true. Id like to add one more reason if I may. A child with a difference, learning difficulty, diabetes that requires treatment, or anything else that means they need help from caregivers/parents, can be so shielded by over protection: "I'm scared to leave you alone" "I am worried about what could happen to you if I am not here to care for you" etc all told to the child, and the parent never allowing the child to have any independence at all can produce the same result.

 

.....and other children at risk are the adopted, the only children, IVF and surrogate children etc...as long as one of their parents are incredibly insecure and lack the awareness to realise they could be in fact hampering their child's mental health.

[Heatherknows]

The only people who will tolerate and end up having "relationships" with narcissists are those who find their abusive and confusing behaviours familiar(we don't make friends with people whose behaviours are unfamiliar to us), they don't pick up on the red flags ie-people who have been affected by narcissism to varying degrees, in their childhood conditioning-whereas people who have experienced a more healthy upbringing will not naturally gravitate towards narcissists. People who end up leaving narcissistic relationships, do so because their narc partner pushed them beyond the point of familiarity, beyond the point of abuse they experienced by their narc mother/father/caretakers etc. or they have begun to develop some self-awareness.

 

Definitively true in my case. Every time I conversed with the that guy I had massive flashbacks of my dad. I spoke with this guy a couple of times on the phone and I swear his inflections were so similar. I always thought I could "change" my dad to be a real father. That never happened. I can't fix my past with an internet stranger. Lost childhood love hurts forever but can be managed with some insight and good people and lots of trying. And trying.

[turnera]

The book Getting The Love You Want explains this very well, how we seek partners who mimic our worst parent, so that the partner can 'heal' the pain the similar parent caused us and make us all better. The problem is that if you're dysfunctional because of your parents, and you seek a dysfunctional partner, that dysfunctional partner is seeking the same thing from YOU! Which is doomed to fail, since both of you are so dysfunctional that you can't help yourself let alone another person!

[truthtripper]

...Anyway, we talked about narcissism - and actually her take was pretty similar to discussions I've seen on here, though she had some extra insights that were very thought provoking. I told her I feel dysfunctional because I seem to be draw narcissistic people towards me. She asked "do you think you're good at dealing with people like that?" Well, yes actually. I do. "Do you ever encounter narcissism in the sort of work you do?" Oh hell yes. "Do you think your skill in dealing with other people's narcissism helps you in your work." Yes. Big time.

 

There are many, many narcissistic people out there. A lot of people who might otherwise be okay, but who become narcissistic when under a lot of stress or under pressure to make money, get ahead at work, demonstrate how tough they are and so on. So being able to deal with other people's narcissism and at times abusive narcissism (whether they're narcissistic temperamentally and to the point of being disordered, or whether circumstances are bringing out their narcissism) is an extremely useful skill. It's all very well for others to say "just don't deal with them. Steer well clear. Well, that's fine if you don't have to leave your house - but if you do happen to have to deal with the outside world, then there are probably going to be times you have no choice but to deal with a narcissistic bully.

 

So she pointed out that it isn't necessarily unhealthy to find yourself drawn towards learning the art of dealing with narcissists. Because unless you shut yourself away in your nest and refuse to deal with the outside world, you're going to encounter plenty of narcissism out there. But, it's important to balance the contact you have with narcissists by making sure you have more empathic and nurturing people in your life too.

 

Another thing though (and this thought is mine, not the psychiatrists). Don't look to the narcissist to provide you with reliable answers as to whether you're handling them the "right" way. They'll reward you for handling them the way they want to be handled...and if they're very malignantly narcissistic, they way they will want to be handled will be whichever way brings the maximum stress, confusion and pain into your life.

There are endless variations of narcissism, falling anywhere within the spectrum between transient narcissism triggered by stress and clinical narcissism. Narc behaviours should never be tolerated. I think firstly, the person in question needs to be gently and tactfully confronted about their anti-social behaviour, they need to be made aware that they have offended others. This is the only way to resolve the problem. Depending on where the person falls within the spectrum, their reaction to this could be one of gratitude, confusion or further offence and defensiveness. If the latter occurs and resolution is not possible, then there is no other choice but to distance oneself from such a person, as they have shown lack of empathy and unwillingness to acknowledge that they were at fault-this is the big red flag for "just don't deal with them. Steer well clear."!!!

 

Narcissism can only thrive on those who succumb to it(enablers) and these enablers have produced some of the most horrific, destructive personalities for example, Hitler and the current Syrian president, Assad.

Edited October 1, 2015 by truthtripper

[NewLeaf512]

There are endless variations of narcissism, falling anywhere within the spectrum between transient narcissism triggered by stress and clinical narcissism. Narc behaviours should never be tolerated. I think firstly, the person in question needs to be gently and tactfully confronted about their anti-social behaviour, they need to be made aware that they have offended others. This is the only way to resolve the problem. Depending on where the person falls within the spectrum, their reaction to this could be one of gratitude, confusion or further offence and defensiveness. If the latter occurs and resolution is not possible, then there is no other choice but to distance oneself from such a person, as they have shown lack of empathy and unwillingness to acknowledge that they were at fault-this is the big red flag for "just don't deal with them. Steer well clear."!!!

 

Narcissism can only thrive on those who succumb to it(enablers) and these enablers have produced some of the most horrific, destructive personalities for example, Hitler and the current Syrian president, Assad.

Truthtripper your posts really resonates with me. How do the enablers (I refer to them as supply) escape? It seems to me to be nearly impossible

[BC1980]

My ex wasn't a malignant narcissist, but he had a lot of narcissistic traits. I remember one summer, he made a big deal of taking me to a botanical garden that I had wanted to go to for awhile. I drove there, and he started criticizing my driving and then, out of the blue, he told me: "I just don't accept you for who you are. That's why I won't marry you." Of course, I was so hurt (even though I already pretty much knew this, it was the first time he had spoken it so plainly), and I started crying. We went to the garden, and he insisted we basically run through it in an hour. It was 90 degrees and miserable, and he made it known that he was annoyed I couldn't keep up with him. He made it known that he felt I was beneath him because I was slower than him. I was so upset because I love botanical gardens and had been looking forward to this for a month. He never apologized or tried to understand how I felt, never showed any empathy. Later that night, he told me that he felt sorry for me because I got so upset. Not because he was an azzhole, but because I had gotten upset. Then, he said he was thinking of creative ways to propose to me.

 

I think that kind of behavior is very indicative of a narcissist because it just shows an utter lack of empathy and responsibility. Never being able to look at yourself and even apologize for deeply hurting someone for no real reason. Because there really was no real reason for what he did other than to assert some type of power over me because he knew I was weak and a people pleaser. I think the idea that he said he felt sorry for me but never connected the dots that his behavior was the sole contributor to my pain is telling. He was able to remove himself emotionally and just see me as some person who got upset. I could give several stories like that, but that one sticks out in my mind.

[NewLeaf512]

The only people who will tolerate and end up having "relationships" with narcissists are those who find their abusive and confusing behaviours familiar(we don't make friends with people whose behaviours are unfamiliar to us), they don't pick up on the red flags ie-people who have been affected by narcissism to varying degrees, in their childhood conditioning-whereas people who have experienced a more healthy upbringing will not naturally gravitate towards narcissists. People who end up leaving narcissistic relationships, do so because their narc partner pushed them beyond the point of familiarity, beyond the point of abuse they experienced by their narc mother/father/caretakers etc. or they have begun to develop some self-awareness.

 

I think it's nearly impossible to break free as an enabler after decades of being the supply

[SpiralOut]

I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Since moving away from home I've attracted narcissistic women as friends; I did not see the pattern until my late 20s. I cut them all off and now I am nervous about making new friends. Thankfully my love life isn't like that. I am instantly turned off by a guy who talks too much about himself or seems self-absorbed in some way.

 

 

Someone asked, how to recover from narcissistic abuse? Figure out what messages you have internalized. How many of your thoughts and beliefs are actually yours, and which ones did you simply absorb from your narcissistic parent or partner? Sift through your thoughts and feelings and get rid of whatever doesn't belong to you. I'm reading "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and it's very helpful.

[Taramere]

There are endless variations of narcissism, falling anywhere within the spectrum between transient narcissism triggered by stress and clinical narcissism. Narc behaviours should never be tolerated.

 

Well, some types of narcissism are relatively benign. You'll get the situation where, for instance, somebody is boasting in a way that doesn't really accomplish much other than result in people laughing behind their back. People like that aren't likely to change, but those who are loosely acquainted with them will probably tolerate it inasmuch as laughing it off and not expending the energy involved in confronting somebody like that (when it's not going to accomplish anything) equates with tolerating it. In short, they don't care enough/aren't sufficiently affected by the person's boastfulness to decide "I'm not going to tolerate this!"

 

You should also note that when I say "dealing with" people's narcissism, that doesn't equate with enabling it. There are, various ways of enabling narcissism. One is to be a suck up to the narcissist, helping to inflate their grandiose sense of self. Another might be to become extremely angry about and preoccupied with their narcissism. Emotionally invested in them and their behaviour, which is exactly the kind of thing a narcissistic person thrives on. You only need to see the behaviour of internet trolls to witness that.

 

Dealing with a person's narcissism means means handling them in the situation that works out best for you personally - rather than responding in the way they want you to respond, or in the way other people (who might have their own agendas) are telling you to respond. If somebody is very narcissistic in a way that's starting to cause you, or people close to you, problems, then maybe the best solution is to terminate or minimise your dealings with them. However, narcissistic human behaviour is extremely common. If you become too preoccupied with it, then you're going to see evidence of it anywhere and everywhere. Which can become a somewhat unhealthy activity in itself.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Taramere

[NewLeaf512]

Well, some types of narcissism are relatively benign. You'll get the situation where, for instance, somebody is boasting in a way that doesn't really accomplish much other than result in people laughing behind their back. People like that aren't likely to change, but those who are loosely acquainted with them will probably tolerate it inasmuch as laughing it off and not expending the energy involved in confronting somebody like that (when it's not going to accomplish anything) equates with tolerating it. In short, they don't care enough/aren't sufficiently affected by the person's boastfulness to decide "I'm not going to tolerate this!"

 

You should also note that when I say "dealing with" people's narcissism, that doesn't equate with enabling it. There are, various ways of enabling narcissism. One is to be a suck up to the narcissist, helping to inflate their grandiose sense of self. Another might be to become extremely angry about and preoccupied with their narcissism. Emotionally invested in them and their behaviour, which is exactly the kind of thing a narcissistic person thrives on. You only need to see the behaviour of internet trolls to witness that.

 

Dealing with a person's narcissism means means handling them in the situation that works out best for you personally - rather than responding in the way they want you to respond, or in the way other people (who might have their own agendas) are telling you to respond. If somebody is very narcissistic in a way that's starting to cause you, or people close to you, problems, then maybe the best solution is to terminate or minimise your dealings with them. However, narcissistic human behaviour is extremely common. If you become too preoccupied with it, then you're going to see evidence of it anywhere and everywhere. Which can become a somewhat unhealthy activity in itself.

 

 

In the case I am thinking of, the supply person became totally subservient to the narcissist and they merged into one identity

[truthtripper]

Well, some types of narcissism are relatively benign. You'll get the situation where, for instance, somebody is boasting in a way that doesn't really accomplish much other than result in people laughing behind their back. People like that aren't likely to change, but those who are loosely acquainted with them will probably tolerate it inasmuch as laughing it off and not expending the energy involved in confronting somebody like that (when it's not going to accomplish anything) equates with tolerating it. In short, they don't care enough/aren't sufficiently affected by the person's boastfulness to decide "I'm not going to tolerate this!"

 

You should also note that when I say "dealing with" people's narcissism, that doesn't equate with enabling it. There are, various ways of enabling narcissism. One is to be a suck up to the narcissist, helping to inflate their grandiose sense of self. Another might be to become extremely angry about and preoccupied with their narcissism. Emotionally invested in them and their behaviour, which is exactly the kind of thing a narcissistic person thrives on. You only need to see the behaviour of internet trolls to witness that.

 

Dealing with a person's narcissism means means handling them in the situation that works out best for you personally - rather than responding in the way they want you to respond, or in the way other people (who might have their own agendas) are telling you to respond. If somebody is very narcissistic in a way that's starting to cause you, or people close to you, problems, then maybe the best solution is to terminate or minimise your dealings with them. However, narcissistic human behaviour is extremely common. If you become too preoccupied with it, then you're going to see evidence of it anywhere and everywhere. Which can become a somewhat unhealthy activity in itself.

Although boasting attracts ridicule, it's not going to harm anyone. I'm referring to the offensive comments and demands that easily roll off the tongues of some people who think they can get away with it. As to how others deal with this abuse depends on their level of self-confidence/self-belief. The self-confident will instinctively put the abuser in their place and will subsequently keep their distance from them when possible, whereas the child-abused post traumatic stressed sufferer will disassociate/go into shock and become disabled-unless they have done lots of therapy and role modelling exercises!!! And then there is the variation of responses that fall in between these two extremes.

 

We all want to live in a safe, peaceful world and the only way to do it is to face the truth and protect ourselves and others ie: not to turn a blind eye to abuse, but to confront it and act positively upon it.

Edited October 4, 2015 by truthtripper

[truthtripper]

Truthtripper your posts really resonates with me. How do the enablers (I refer to them as supply) escape? It seems to me to be nearly impossible

 

Pretty much my whole family-I have 7 aunts and one 1 uncle and about 32 cousins- are enablers/suppliers. I broke away from my family when I was about 26 years of age. During this time I began to suffer from extreme panic/anxiety. I started seeing a psychotherapist who helped me to gain more insight into my family's dysfunction. I discovered the only way I was going to heal was to distance myself from them, break out of the bubble, so to speak. I joined a support group and tried to be more open about my past with my friends, the latter not working out too well-narcissism/child-abuse are challenging and confronting topics for most people. But nevertheless, my self confidence has improved. So it was the panic which took over me when I was 26 that triggered my awareness, otherwise I would probably be still trapped in my family's trance of dysfunction.

 

Awareness is the key. It's the key to freedom. But I also know that facing the truth can be so painful it can kill a person. I've tried to "convert" my mum but she physically gets a pain in her chest whenever I talk about my grandfather. She's too old to change. But I'm angry at my cousins who I believe are young enough to make change, but they don't, they don't want to face the truth and continue to live dysfunctional lives.

[NewLeaf512]

 

Although boasting attracts ridicule, it's not going to harm anyone. I'm referring to the offensive comments and demands that easily roll off the tongues of some people who think they can get away with it. As to how others deal with this abuse depends on their level of self-confidence/self-belief. The self-confident will instinctively put the abuser in their place and will subsequently keep their distance from them when possible, whereas the child-abused post traumatic stressed sufferer will disassociate/go into shock and become disabled-unless they have done lots of therapy and role modelling exercises!!! And then there is the variation of responses that fall in between these two extremes.

 

We all want to live in a safe, peaceful world and the only way to do it is to face the truth and protect ourselves and others ie: not to turn a blind eye to abuse, but to confront it and act positively upon it.

 

 

Truthtripper, this really helps me. I've been working on this for some years (dual diagnosis parent) and it's taken me so long to understand am I still have to look for patterns in my own behaviour.

 

 

Do you think there is ever a the length time as supply/enabler or a type of behaviour/ event that would lead someone to believe the enabler/supply is so consumed they can never retrieve their own identity back?

[truthtripper]

Truthtripper, this really helps me. I've been working on this for some years (dual diagnosis parent) and it's taken me so long to understand am I still have to look for patterns in my own behaviour.

 

 

Do you think there is ever a the length time as supply/enabler or a type of behaviour/ event that would lead someone to believe the enabler/supply is so consumed they can never retrieve their own identity back?

 

I think if a person is severely abused between ages 0 and 5, it's going to be more difficult to overcome the trauma and hence the supplier role, as all the dysfunctional behaviours and "terrors" are so firmly subconsciously entrenched. But I did read in a book(I'll try to find the title) that all a person needs is to recall one memory of abuse to be able to heal completely. He writes, from discussing that one memory, others memories begin to surface and so on and so forth....Sometimes my mum is willing to discuss the past with me, fleetingly, but then she suddenly reverts back into denial as if we had never discussed anything. But from these "glimpses" she has, I wonder if it's still possible for her to become fully aware and heal. She just turned 75.

[NewLeaf512]

I guess the 2 questions I can't answer yet are.. When someone is a consumed and active enabler, how do they interact with others?

 

I believe for me the only way to heal is complete NC with the person with the PD

[truthtripper]

I guess the 2 questions I can't answer yet are.. When someone is a consumed and active enabler, how do they interact with others?

 

I believe for me the only way to heal is complete NC with the person with the PD

 

A "consumed and active enabler" subconsciously(and most likely consciously also) believes they are unworthy of being treated with respect, otherwise they wouldn't be coupled with an abuser in the first place. Subconsciously and consciously, people will perceive/treat us as we perceive/treat ourselves. So, a person with low self-worth will attract abuse more than someone with a healthy self-concept, as by thinking lowly of ourselves causes others to think lowly of us too. We have to demonstrate or exemplify to others that we deserve to be treated well. People pick up on lack of self confidence just by looking at someone, their posture, their facial micro-expressions, their gesticulations, how they use their voice-these traits are more important than what the person actually says or talks about. But developing self-confidence begins from within, so the more we begin to believe in ourselves, the more we begin to outwardly project this, the more people will respect us.

 

Re NC, the less you interact with the abuser, the better for your emotional health. Space is essential for healing.

[NewLeaf512]

 

 

A "consumed and active enabler" subconsciously(and most likely consciously also) believes they are unworthy of being treated with respect, otherwise they wouldn't be coupled with an abuser in the first place. Subconsciously and consciously, people will perceive/treat us as we perceive/treat ourselves. So, a person with low self-worth will attract abuse more than someone with a healthy self-concept, as by thinking lowly of ourselves causes others to think lowly of us too. We have to demonstrate or exemplify to others that we deserve to be treated well. People pick up on lack of self confidence just by looking at someone, their posture, their facial micro-expressions, their gesticulations, how they use their voice-these traits are more important than what the person actually says or talks about. But developing self-confidence begins from within, so the more we begin to believe in ourselves, the more we begin to outwardly project this, the more people will respect us.

 

Re NC, the less you interact with the abuser, the better for your emotional health. Space is essential for healing.

 

 

I had therapy today and my IC basically said what you did, that even though he now understands to a degree what he is in, as it is a repeat of his childhood, he will keep returning to it to try to fix it and failing

[truthtripper]

I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Since moving away from home I've attracted narcissistic women as friends; I did not see the pattern until my late 20s. I cut them all off and now I am nervous about making new friends. Thankfully my love life isn't like that. I am instantly turned off by a guy who talks too much about himself or seems self-absorbed in some way.

 

 

Someone asked, how to recover from narcissistic abuse? Figure out what messages you have internalized. How many of your thoughts and beliefs are actually yours, and which ones did you simply absorb from your narcissistic parent or partner? Sift through your thoughts and feelings and get rid of whatever doesn't belong to you. I'm reading "Will I Ever be Good Enough? Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and it's very helpful.

Same here. I have been gradually distancing myself from certain people I've had in my life for decades. Once I realised my mental health was suffering in the presence of these people, it became easy to let go.