Why does he retreat to his "cave" like this?!

[GreenEyes1005]

GE, you said he chased you for a year. Can you elaborate on that? How so, in what way?

 

 

The reason I ask is because you said you were friends during that year.

 

 

So....during the year you were friends, was he asking you out, and you were turning him down? Was he expressing his romantic interest in you in other ways, and you didn't feel the same and told him so?

 

 

Can you clarify how he "chased" you a bit more?

 

Well last year I met him when I was at his company for the day, and we chit-chatted and I invited him to a voluntary meeting at my company since he had never attended. He attended, and then found me on Facebook, asked for my number, and we started hanging out 3-4x a week for 2-3 months. He always asked me to come over, was the prime contact initiator, sending follow-up messages to say how much fun he had with me, and we were laughing ALL the time.

 

Shortly after the 3 month mark we got physical, and he wasn't as available for the next week. He was still in contact but it went from hanging out 3-4x a week to 1. I was a little confused by that and instead of having the courage to ask about it (I wasn't trying to be nosy... We weren't official and I wasn't trying to pry or whatever), I went out with another guy who had been asking me out and essentially blew off my current guy. I still would talk to him when he texted (which was often) but I would mostly decline his offers to go out, and on the occasions where I would go meet up with him I would make sure I sat on a different couch or prevented any physical contact just to keep it on the friend level lol. On one occasion I literally got up and said I had to go right then and there, because I knew if I didn't I'd end up getting physical with him again.

 

Looking back I think at the time I was afraid of things moving so quickly the way they seemed to. :/ He would continue to text and ask me to do things and ask how my day was (almost daily) but I stayed single and just hung out with him every so often. I was kind of feeling burnt out on guys and the whole dating scene earlier this year (a couple first date duds right in a row), and it just so happened he ran into one of my friends and told her he'd always been into me but that something happened and he guessed I didn't like him in that way.

 

When I heard that I thought about it more and decided to give things a solid try, and that's how it all re-started. He's never been out of touch for almost a year and half... At my lowest he was there telling me how amazing I am, and during my congratulatory moments he was there cheering me on. That is.... Until now.

 

There's the back story, sorry it's long!

[katiegrl]

 

Shortly after the 3 month mark we got physical, and he wasn't as available for the next week. He was still in contact but it went from hanging out 3-4x a week to 1. I was a little confused by that and instead of having the courage to ask about it (I wasn't trying to be nosy... We weren't official and I wasn't trying to pry or whatever), I went out with another guy who had been asking me out and essentially blew off my current guy. I still would talk to him when he texted (which was often) but I would mostly decline his offers to go out, and on the occasions where I would go meet up with him I would make sure I sat on a different couch or prevented any physical contact just to keep it on the friend level lol. On one occasion I literally got up and said I had to go right then and there, because I knew if I didn't I'd end up getting physical with him again.

 

Looking back I think at the time I was afraid of things moving so quickly the way they seemed to. :/ He would continue to text and ask me to do things and ask how my day was (almost daily) but I stayed single and just hung out with him every so often. I was kind of feeling burnt out on guys and the whole dating scene earlier this year (a couple first date duds right in a row), and it just so happened he ran into one of my friends and told her he'd always been into me but that something happened and he guessed I didn't like him in that way.

 

When I heard that I thought about it more and decided to give things a solid try, and that's how it all re-started. He's never been out of touch for almost a year and half... At my lowest he was there telling me how amazing I am, and during my congratulatory moments he was there cheering me on. That is.... Until now.

 

There's the back story, sorry it's long!

 

 

Yeah buddy, something happened alright. After you became physical with GreenEyes (had sex?).... YOU backed off! YOU became unavailable and went from seeing her 3-4 times a week to once a week.

 

 

GE, I love the way he twists the facts to make it seem like HE did nothing wrong and YOU were the one who lost interest. He knew exactly why you backed off -- guys ALWAYS know when they behave badly -- that is precisely why he upped the ante and started pursuing you harder. If he really thought you had lost interest, he would have just moved on.... instead of continuing to pursue you.

 

 

IMO, he was showing signs even then he had commitment issues.... by backing off and distancing himself after he became physical with you. Not being available and then cutting back his time from 3-4 times a week to once a week. You did the RIGHT thing by backing off yourself and dating other guys. Your instincts were right.

 

 

Anyway, like I said before I think he found you more intriguing when you were a challenge and not so available to him.

 

 

Nuff said I guess. When and if he returns (which I am sure he WILL at some point), you can either talk to him, letting him know his behavior is unacceptable, or just break it off with him.

 

 

If it were me, given how he treated you last year (after he became physicial with you the first time) and now this, I would just break it off altogether.

 

 

Good look hon and keep us posted...

Edited August 18, 2015 by katiegrl

[ilovemefirst]

Hey Greeneyes..i hope your ok! Any update? I hope your feeling better

[GreenEyes1005]

Hey Greeneyes..i hope your ok! Any update? I hope your feeling better

 

 

Hey! Well I still have heard nothing and I'm still contemplating how to proceed. I keep going back on forth on the issue but in this moment there are only two things I know for sure and those are that right now I'm not contacting him, and the other is that eventually if I do not hear from him in the next few days I am going to confront him.

 

I can always put the issue of "just being friends" in front of him and I know he won't be happy about that, but I am still trying to figure out how I'm going to handle this. I'm not happy with his behavior and I'm not going to deal with it long term, but as for now I'm still undecided.

[ilovemefirst]

Yeah, i would do that too. Its almost been a week, it sounds like he is stubborn and just waiting for you to apologize or something. But thats not right. U deserve better. Good luck!

[losangelena]

Yeah, i would do that too. Its almost been a week, it sounds like he is stubborn and just waiting for you to apologize or something. But thats not right. U deserve better. Good luck!

 

She did apologize! With a card! What more does he want!

 

At this point, he's just punishing her. Or completely over it—either way, he's soundly eliminated himself as a viable partner with this stunt. Who acts this way to someone they supposedly care about?

[katiegrl]

She did apologize! With a card! What more does he want!

 

At this point, he's just punishing her. Or completely over it—either way, he's soundly eliminated himself as a viable partner with this stunt. Who acts this way to someone they supposedly care about?

 

I vote for he's over it, and over the relationship (sorry GE).

 

Reason being, she has done nothing to be punished for!

 

He has more reason to be punished than she does.

 

I mean what did she do? She surprised him at his job, which she has done many times before, and he welcomed her visit.

 

How does he respond? By making a snarky comment, making her feel like crap, and she expressed that.

 

Even still because she's the bigger person, she sends him a card apologizing. What does he do? He totally ignored it, and has been ignoring it and her ever sense.

 

These are not the actions of a man who gives a shyt, I'm sorry.

 

He's over it.....and again GE I'm sorry.

 

If you want to confront him eventually just to get it off your chest, then do that.

 

But I would not count on getting back together....it's over for him IMO.

Edited August 20, 2015 by katiegrl

[CarrieT]

I can always put the issue of "just being friends" in front of him

Oh, please don't....

 

You can't be friends with someone immediately after a break-up, when there is still the vestiges of romance.

 

Maybe later - after the hurt has subsided - can a friendship occur. But I would heartily recommend against playing the "just friends" card at this juncture.

[Gaeta]

Well last year I met him when I was at his company for the day, and we chit-chatted and I invited him to a voluntary meeting at my company since he had never attended. He attended, and then found me on Facebook, asked for my number, and we started hanging out 3-4x a week for 2-3 months. He always asked me to come over, was the prime contact initiator, sending follow-up messages to say how much fun he had with me, and we were laughing ALL the time.

 

Shortly after the 3 month mark we got physical, and he wasn't as available for the next week. He was still in contact but it went from hanging out 3-4x a week to 1. I was a little confused by that and instead of having the courage to ask about it (I wasn't trying to be nosy... We weren't official and I wasn't trying to pry or whatever), I went out with another guy who had been asking me out and essentially blew off my current guy. I still would talk to him when he texted (which was often) but I would mostly decline his offers to go out, and on the occasions where I would go meet up with him I would make sure I sat on a different couch or prevented any physical contact just to keep it on the friend level lol. On one occasion I literally got up and said I had to go right then and there, because I knew if I didn't I'd end up getting physical with him again.

 

Looking back I think at the time I was afraid of things moving so quickly the way they seemed to. :/ He would continue to text and ask me to do things and ask how my day was (almost daily) but I stayed single and just hung out with him every so often. I was kind of feeling burnt out on guys and the whole dating scene earlier this year (a couple first date duds right in a row), and it just so happened he ran into one of my friends and told her he'd always been into me but that something happened and he guessed I didn't like him in that way.

 

When I heard that I thought about it more and decided to give things a solid try, and that's how it all re-started. He's never been out of touch for almost a year and half... At my lowest he was there telling me how amazing I am, and during my congratulatory moments he was there cheering me on. That is.... Until now.

 

There's the back story, sorry it's long!

 

It sounds like you were better friends than you are bf-gf.

 

There is a good reason for that, expectations from a friend are different than expectations from a gf or bf.

 

As a friend he would probably have never done that to you (his days of silence) but in a romantic relationship we're different. Our expectations are higher, more emotions are involved, we get hurt more easily, and it brings the worse out of people sometimes.

 

This man is good 'friend' material but not good 'relationship' material.

 

Hon, if he had gotten back to you after a couple of days things could have been fixed but at this point, after 7 days, he has broken something that cannot be glued back together. Even if he comes back to you after 2 weeks you will never trust him again, you will always live in fear he'll do it again.

 

I think you should end it yourself.

[GreenEyes1005]

Thank you everyone for the continued advice, suggestions, and support! I appreciate it!

 

Katiegrl and Gaeta, I agree with so much of what you guys have said. People do act unkindly at times when feelings get involved (people tend to be harsher and more "themselves" with people they know will continually be there). That being said, six days have passed without a word and his actions last week were not only unusual, but I believe he should've apologized or acknowledged them in some way and he has chosen not to. Whether it is because he truly doesn't give a shyt, is waiting for me to "chase", is still ultra stressed and needing space, or simply taking advantage of his thought that I will be there when on his timing, it's not right.

 

I am still up and down on how to handle this moving forward since I see him during work at times, but as of now I'm letting it all be what it is and taking no action in the same way he is. I would like an explanation and will most likely confront him about things at some point but right now I don't even want to. I still also suspect that at the heart of this are commitment issues, but I can't fix those and going through this kind of situation (potentially repeatedly) while he attempts to work on it (if he wanted to) would not work well for me. I have seen him at his best but this is the first time I'm seeing him at his worst... And I'm not a fan.

 

Perhaps he is better suited to be my friend than dating material. Perhaps I should've never gave him a shot to be more than a friend. Regardless, it's a stand off and if/when he decides to acknowledge he messed up, I will be able to know that I wasn't the one who wrecked things. He seems to have forgotten how elusive I can be, but if/when he resurfaces he will be reminded.

[candie13]

I am still up and down on how to handle this moving forward since I see him during work at times, but as of now I'm letting it all be what it is and taking no action in the same way he is. I would like an explanation and will most likely confront him about things at some point but right now I don't even want to. I still also suspect that at the heart of this are commitment issues, but I can't fix those and going through this kind of situation (potentially repeatedly) while he attempts to work on it (if he wanted to) would not work well for me. I have seen him at his best but this is the first time I'm seeing him at his worst... And I'm not a fan.

 

Perhaps he is better suited to be my friend than dating material. Perhaps I should've never gave him a shot to be more than a friend. Regardless, it's a stand off and if/when he decides to acknowledge he messed up, I will be able to know that I wasn't the one who wrecked things. He seems to have forgotten how elusive I can be, but if/when he resurfaces he will be reminded.

 

I've dated for a while a guy a bit like yours - a huge commitmentphobe, also he was not doing the disappearing on me. I think that is a blessing in disguise and I think you should use it fully to your advantage. And that does not mean being elusive, but being done. There's a huge difference between the two.

 

When you've being elusive, you're playing hide and seek. It remains a game. Well... unfortunately for you, GE, he's also seen your cards, because he did get the girl (you). So you cannot play the same game as before and expect the same results.

 

IMHO, games don't attract authentic people. And it is important to recognize not only when the others play games but when us, ourselves play games. Stop it. Drop it.

 

I also completely understand your wish to confront him... but say to yourself that you already have all the information you need to get closure. If you need to do it, just bloody do it and be done with it. I think you have everything you need to not need any further information from his side.

 

In reality, things are a lot less complicated. Really. Interested men act interested. Selfish men think only of themselves. Self centered men don't care about whom they hurt. It's all you need to know.

 

Take a deep breath and try a change of scenery. Go outside of town for the weekend. Read, run, get surrounded with people and do some other activities that keep you busy. Take your girls out and have a long night out. Stop posting here and reading about this situation for a while. Stop thinking about him and analyzing him. Just take a (mental) break, it'll do you good. When you come back, you'll see things much more clearly.

 

cheers, girl

[katiegrl]

I've dated for a while a guy a bit like yours - a huge commitmentphobe, also he was not doing the disappearing on me. I think that is a blessing in disguise and I think you should use it fully to your advantage. And that does not mean being elusive, but being done. There's a huge difference between the two.

 

When you've being elusive, you're playing hide and seek. It remains a game. Well... unfortunately for you, GE, he's also seen your cards, because he did get the girl (you). So you cannot play the same game as before and expect the same results.

 

IMHO, games don't attract authentic people. And it is important to recognize not only when the others play games but when us, ourselves play games. Stop it. Drop it.

 

I also completely understand your wish to confront him... but say to yourself that you already have all the information you need to get closure. If you need to do it, just bloody do it and be done with it. I think you have everything you need to not need any further information from his side.

 

In reality, things are a lot less complicated. Really. Interested men act interested. Selfish men think only of themselves. Self centered men don't care about whom they hurt. It's all you need to know.

 

Take a deep breath and try a change of scenery. Go outside of town for the weekend. Read, run, get surrounded with people and do some other activities that keep you busy. Take your girls out and have a long night out. Stop posting here and reading about this situation for a while. Stop thinking about him and analyzing him. Just take a (mental) break, it'll do you good. When you come back, you'll see things much more clearly.

 

cheers, girl

 

Very well said candie ..... I agree. :)

 

Nuff said.

[GreenEyes1005]

I've dated for a while a guy a bit like yours - a huge commitmentphobe, also he was not doing the disappearing on me. I think that is a blessing in disguise and I think you should use it fully to your advantage. And that does not mean being elusive, but being done. There's a huge difference between the two.

 

When you've being elusive, you're playing hide and seek. It remains a game. Well... unfortunately for you, GE, he's also seen your cards, because he did get the girl (you). So you cannot play the same game as before and expect the same results.

 

IMHO, games don't attract authentic people. And it is important to recognize not only when the others play games but when us, ourselves play games. Stop it. Drop it.

 

I also completely understand your wish to confront him... but say to yourself that you already have all the information you need to get closure. If you need to do it, just bloody do it and be done with it. I think you have everything you need to not need any further information from his side.

 

In reality, things are a lot less complicated. Really. Interested men act interested. Selfish men think only of themselves. Self centered men don't care about whom they hurt. It's all you need to know.

 

Take a deep breath and try a change of scenery. Go outside of town for the weekend. Read, run, get surrounded with people and do some other activities that keep you busy. Take your girls out and have a long night out. Stop posting here and reading about this situation for a while. Stop thinking about him and analyzing him. Just take a (mental) break, it'll do you good. When you come back, you'll see things much more clearly.

 

cheers, girl

 

Thank you for the reply! First of all, I feel I should clarify that by saying he will be reminded of how elusive I can be, I was NOT meaning I was hoping to re-start a chase, wanting to playing games, or anything of that nature. I've thought about this a lot in my down time and as I've mentioned, I think he has commitment issues. I can't fix them nor can I wait around for him to fix them and it is what it is. I'm simply saying that based on experience with him and our jobs, he will be back around and he will be reminded of how I used to be with him. I have been open and honest with him from jump, he knows my expectations but has demonstrated that he can't match them. That's on him, not me.

 

The primary reason (aside from wanting to know wtf is going on in his head) for wanting a confrontation is due to the fact that I can't avoid seeing him or talking to him since we work together at times. Rather than it being awkward for me (as the ignored person), I'd rather confront him. If anyone's going to feel awkward it should be him! But for now I'm just washing my hands of the issue.

 

Trust and believe I've been staying busy! The DAYS aren't the problem, I'm busy enough at work and the gym to be thought-free, but once about 8-9pm hits it's a different story. I'm an over-analyzer... To put it mildly lol.

[candie13]

Trust and believe I've been staying busy! The DAYS aren't the problem, I'm busy enough at work and the gym to be thought-free, but once about 8-9pm hits it's a different story. I'm an over-analyzer... To put it mildly lol.

 

Dinner with gfs. Weekends away. Evening cinema sessions with friends. Sleep overs. Volunteering and meeting new people. Doing new stuff to change your perspective - like a new hobby or a really interesting book I've always wanted to read. Or visiting your parents / grandparents and hear them nagging you all the time , but having them around and changing the surrounding. I think it is important to spend full evenings engaged doing other stuff.

 

Personally, as an overthinker myself, telling myself to not think about something won't work. I need to replace those thoughts with some other thoughts. The moment I do, the worst part of the ordeal is done. Almost like a train that needs to be set on new rails. After that, it's smooth sailing...

 

I really liked the beginning of your post, you seem to be very aware of what you can change and cannot change - in him and your RS. Let me know if the "thoughts replacing" strategy works out.

[katiegrl]

Hey GreenEyes .....tried to PM you, but not able to yet (you have not been a member long enough).

 

Anyway, was thinking about you, and wondering how you're doing.

 

Any updates?

[GreenEyes1005]

Hey GreenEyes .....tried to PM you, but not able to yet (you have not been a member long enough).

 

Anyway, was thinking about you, and wondering how you're doing.

 

Any updates?

 

 

 

Hey Katiegrl! Thank you for thinking of me. I have been alright. Mainly just spending time with friends and working hella hours to keep myself busy, and it's worked pretty well.

 

Today has been two weeks since we've talked at all. He called up to my work today to ask questions, which A. Makes it clear he's avoiding me since he'd always text or call me and ask about work stuff, and B. Seems like he was blatantly doing it because he knows my friend works the desk and he could've called his current rep... But he didn't. Makes me feel like he blatantly is screwing with me or something. I was doing pretty good, but now I'm on the furious side!

[losangelena]

Well OP,

 

I know you wanted to try and smooth things over with him because you occasionally have to work together, but I'd say he's the one who's deliberately making it awkward now.

 

He's reached the point of no return, in my opinion, and I think if he does EVER try and get back with you, or EVER ask you a work related question, you should take your cue from here:

[GreenEyes1005]

Well OP,

 

I know you wanted to try and smooth things over with him because you occasionally have to work together, but I'd say he's the one who's deliberately making it awkward now.

 

He's reached the point of no return, in my opinion, and I think if he does EVER try and get back with you, or EVER ask you a work related question, you should take your cue from here:

 

 

Yes he is clearly making things more awkward. He's still all over my social media, so I tend to think at some point in the future he'll be contacting me, but for his sake I hope he doesn't bother. I think he's a "runner" and well, I'm not. I'm shocked at his juvenile behavior, and I'm furious that he's going the extra mile to make things worse. This is just ridiculous.

[CarrieT]

He's still all over my social media

So, block him and move on.

[katiegrl]

Yes he is clearly making things more awkward. He's still all over my social media, so I tend to think at some point in the future he'll be contacting me, but for his sake I hope he doesn't bother. I think he's a "runner" and well, I'm not. I'm shocked at his juvenile behavior, and I'm furious that he's going the extra mile to make things worse. This is just ridiculous.

 

What does this mean? Like spying on you...checking to see what you're up to via your social media?

 

Oh for the love of ...........

 

I am sure he fully expected you to chase him down and is probably shocked you haven't (good for you!)...

 

Now he's "scared" to contact you ...cause he knows you'll reject him.

 

Typical of commitment phobes -- gutless wonders I swear.

 

Yeah, he will resurface at some point. He may even cry. lol

 

Glad you hear YOU'RE okay though!! :)

Edited August 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[ilovemefirst]

Kudos to you for not contacting him. He sounds like a real coward..who cant even contact you to tell you whats up! His loss..u sound like a confident and strong girl. But for your own sake, i would delete him off social media...let him know that you are not holding your breath. Its over clearly, 2 weeks is too much time to be taking space.

[Oregon_Dude]

OP, I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but my ex did almost the exact same thing that your now-ex (or SHOULD be ex!) did. She was like, "I don't know what I want," so I went silent, deleted/blocked her on FB. I never got any explanation. All I knew was, I wasn't going to wait around.

 

Someone who isn't treating you like a priority in a romantic relationship isn't worth your emotional investment. I'm really sorry it ended in such a lame, non-closure way, but at least you've seen his true colors, and their bland and sh*tty. This guy is a massive tool. And my ex is a total child who can't even vocalize her own emotions.

 

Take care and don't try to get answers. He SUCKS.

 

PS. I would rather be single and dumped than to WAIT AROUND for someone to tell me if they still want to be with me or not. The anxiety is awful. I will never go through it again, because I am OUT if someone pulls this sh*t on me again.

 

PPS. DEFINITELY delete and block on FB. He doesn't deserve to "see" you.

[GreenEyes1005]

What does this mean? Like spying on you...checking to see what you're up to via your social media?

 

Oh for the love of ...........

 

I am sure he fully expected you to chase him down and is probably shocked you haven't (good for you!)...

 

Now he's "scared" to contact you ...cause he knows you'll reject him.

 

Typical of commitment phobes -- gutless wonders I swear.

 

Yeah, he will resurface at some point. He may even cry. lol

 

Glad you hear YOU'RE okay though!! :)

 

Yes, I'd say you summed it up. I'm sure he is shocked I haven't chased him down and I'm also sure he's "scared" to contact me. I really wish we could've smoothed this over, but at this point he's made it clear that he's not "man" enough to suck up his pride and deal with the issue, which to me is a total turn off.

 

He will resurface, and when he does I will be polite, but I will never get close to him or give him another chance romantically again.

[GreenEyes1005]

Kudos to you for not contacting him. He sounds like a real coward..who cant even contact you to tell you whats up! His loss..u sound like a confident and strong girl. But for your own sake, i would delete him off social media...let him know that you are not holding your breath. Its over clearly, 2 weeks is too much time to be taking space.

 

 

 

"Real coward" is exactly what I'm thinking right about now. For now I'm going to leave him on social media, he has always prided himself on being a "no nonsense" kind of guy and doesn't have exes on his page, so if he wants to see what I'm up to that's fine. I'm wholeheartedly okay with him seeing that I'm out and about with a smile on my face.

[GreenEyes1005]

OP, I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but my ex did almost the exact same thing that your now-ex (or SHOULD be ex!) did. She was like, "I don't know what I want," so I went silent, deleted/blocked her on FB. I never got any explanation. All I knew was, I wasn't going to wait around.

 

Someone who isn't treating you like a priority in a romantic relationship isn't worth your emotional investment. I'm really sorry it ended in such a lame, non-closure way, but at least you've seen his true colors, and their bland and sh*tty. This guy is a massive tool. And my ex is a total child who can't even vocalize her own emotions.

 

Take care and don't try to get answers. He SUCKS.

 

PS. I would rather be single and dumped than to WAIT AROUND for someone to tell me if they still want to be with me or not. The anxiety is awful. I will never go through it again, because I am OUT if someone pulls this sh*t on me again.

 

PPS. DEFINITELY delete and block on FB. He doesn't deserve to "see" you.

 

People like this (your ex and the guy I'd been seeing) suck. At least you got the whole "I don't know what I want" speal though. That would've been enough for me to know he clearly didn't want me, but nooo. We get in a stupid argument and he disappears despite knowing me for almost two years and being romantically involved (with HIM doing all the chasing and expressing feelings first) for months.

 

When I open up to people I don't simply walk away. I like to have answers and I like to salvage friendships at the very least, but he is acting like a coward and proving that he's not quite the kind of man that I thought he was. I tend to think he will resurface, but I will know better than to put myself out there with him again.