Why does he retreat to his "cave" like this?!

[katiegrl]

 

 

***I think he told himself he was gonna devote his weekend to his family on visit ***

 

----------

 

and let things cool before talking to you again. I expect him to contact you tonight or tomorrow.

 

From there you have to discuss how conflicts between you 2 should be solved. If he needs time out than he needs to say so and not let you guess what is going on.

 

If you don't hear from him by tomorrow night then call him and give him the dreaded 'we need to talk'.

 

Quote in asterisk above -- Where did she say he has family visiting? I just read the thread again....didn't see it.

[Gaeta]

Quote in asterisk above -- Where did she say he has family visiting? I just read the thread again....didn't see it.

 

post # 40 post # 40 post #40

[katiegrl]

post # 40 post # 40 post #40

 

Lol, thanks for posting it three times! Appreciate it, at the rate I'm going, I may have missed it otherwise....

 

Seriously tho, obviously I missed that post, and contend that might put a different spin on things.

 

Trying to stay positive here for GreenEyes sake.....

[GreenEyes1005]

I hope you're wrong too lol. But then again, if this is simply how he handles stress or conflict then I'm not so sure I want to continue dating him ya know? The longer he's MIA the more time I'm given to think about all of this and that won't work in his favor. And if he never pops up again this wouldn't even be a fade lol, it'd just be a disappearing act.

 

 

Update: still no word from him. He's clearly not wanting to be in touch for some reason, which I don't understand, but I've said all I need to say so I guess the silence will ensue from both of us.

[GreenEyes1005]

Lol, thanks for posting it three times! Appreciate it, at the rate I'm going, I may have missed it otherwise....

 

Seriously tho, obviously I missed that post, and contend that might put a different spin on things.

 

Trying to stay positive here for GreenEyes sake.....

 

 

He has his sister and her kids in town from Toronto, and they've stayed with him since they've been here.

[GreenEyes1005]

I think he told himself he was gonna devote his weekend to his family on visit and let things cool before talking to you again. I expect him to contact you tonight or tomorrow.

 

From there you have to discuss how conflicts between you 2 should be solved. If he needs time out than he needs to say so and not let you guess what is going on.

 

If you don't hear from him by tomorrow night then call him and give him the dreaded 'we need to talk'.

 

 

I just think this is all really weird coming from him. I mean yes I made some smarta$$ remarks but I didn't do anything out of the ordinary or weird. Thursday our conversation was normal, last week was really good, and then BOOM. Since he chased me around for over a year I don't really expect him to fade or disappear, but I have zero explanation for any of this either so who knows.

[katiegrl]

Sweetie, it's been three days including the weekend, this is not him "caving" dealing with emotions. I'm sorry.

 

Something is up, and probably has been for awhile.

 

His annoyance with you on Thursday was a cumulation of negative feelings brewing for awhile IMO.

 

You said he chased you for a year? Who does that? A guy who enjoys THE CHASE.

 

Now that he's got you ...after the initial excitement of *winning* you, perhaps things changed for him. And he doesn't find you quite as intriguing as he did when he was chasing you and you were a challenge.

 

That's the risk you take when you get involved with men who thrive on the chase.

 

I hope I am wrong, but that is what it sounds like to me....

 

GE, I am back to thinking this^^.

 

He chased you for a year, classic commitment phobe behavior.... they love the chase!

 

Then once they "get" you, after the initial honeymoon period (a few months), they start feeling boxed in and suffocated.

 

For them, it's flight or fight, and for him, it appears to be FLIGHT.

 

Commitment phobes are also notorious for disappearing, seemingly out of the blue, with no warning, ironically when things are going well and moving forward.

 

What's his history?. Married previously? LTR's?

 

How old is he?

Edited August 17, 2015 by katiegrl

[GreenEyes1005]

GE, I am back to thinking this^^.

 

He chased you for a year, classic commitment phobe behavior.... they love the chase!

 

Then once they "get" you, after the initial honeymoon period (a few months), they start feeling boxed in and suffocated.

 

For them, it's flight or fight, and for him, it appears to be FLIGHT.

 

Commitment phobes are also notorious for disappearing, seemingly out of the blue, with no warning, ironically when things are going well and moving forward.

 

What's his history?. Married previously? LTR's?

 

How old is he?

 

It's possible. He's never been married before, no kids. He's had LTRs before but not in a couple years. He's 32. I'm 29 and my stats are the same. It just seems so odd to me! And what's even more aggravating is that I think the chances of him getting ahold of me sooner than later are extremely high. I kept him around as a friend for the longest time, and once he flat out said he liked me this year I started re-thinking everything and decided to actually give him a shot. And now I feel like an idiot.

[losangelena]

He texted me a couple hours later to say that in case I hadn't figured it out, surprise visits when he's super busy or in a bad mood don't always work well. I said I'd noticed and not to worry because I wouldn't be doing that again anytime soon, and told him that make me feel like crap. He then texted back to say I also smelled like smoke (I recently quit smoking but have been around friends who do... He hates smoking). I told him I wasn't smoking again, told him thanks for making me feel like crap, and said goodnight.

 

I'm late to this thread, but the bolded part is what really stuck out to me.

 

"In case you hadn't figured it out?" I'm sorry, but what an a**hole. That is one of the rudest things you could say to someone, especially someone you're dating. I can understand if your visit was ill-timed, but your INTENTION was good, you wanted to cheer him up. If he had texted something like, "sorry I was so pissy, sometimes I'm not in the mood for spontaneous visits," that would have been different, you could've talked about it later. But he basically said YOU should have know better; his bad reaction was YOUR fault, because you "didn't know by now."

 

I would have been so hurt by that.

 

And then when you said his reaction made you feel bad, he comes back with how you smell like smoke? Passive-aggressive, much? Who does this guy think he is? It's like he's just trying to make you feel worse.

 

I would be extremely wary of someone like this. Yes, it's normal to overreact and get mad at your loved ones, but when there's no sign of coming back and admitting fault, or at least apologizing for making you feel bad, that is a red flag for me. That's setting up the expectation that moving forward you're going to have to walk on eggshells because you should "know by now" what's going to make him react negatively, and if he does then it's all your fault. Bulls**t. God, I'm sitting here getting mad for you, OP!

 

Then you left that apology card?! Jeebus, woman you had nothing to apologize for!

[ExpatInItaly]

After this many days, I would be re-thinking things. I can understand taking a day to cool off and clear his mind, but this is getting to be too much.

 

If this is how he handles conflict, I'm not so sure I would feel confident proceeding. Yes, both of you were snippy. But is this really that big of a deal? What happens if you two had quite a serious disagreement? If he's going to take this much time to be alone, I would start re-evaluating how well this will work in the long term.

[katiegrl]

I'm late to this thread, but the bolded part is what really stuck out to me.

 

"In case you hadn't figured it out?" I'm sorry, but what an a**hole. That is one of the rudest things you could say to someone, especially someone you're dating. I can understand if your visit was ill-timed, but your INTENTION was good, you wanted to cheer him up. If he had texted something like, "sorry I was so pissy, sometimes I'm not in the mood for spontaneous visits," that would have been different, you could've talked about it later. But he basically said YOU should have know better; his bad reaction was YOUR fault, because you "didn't know by now."

 

I would have been so hurt by that.

 

And then when you said his reaction made you feel bad, he comes back with how you smell like smoke? Passive-aggressive, much? Who does this guy think he is? It's like he's just trying to make you feel worse.

 

I would be extremely wary of someone like this. Yes, it's normal to overreact and get mad at your loved ones, but when there's no sign of coming back and admitting fault, or at least apologizing for making you feel bad, that is a red flag for me. That's setting up the expectation that moving forward you're going to have to walk on eggshells because you should "know by now" what's going to make him react negatively, and if he does then it's all your fault. Bulls**t. God, I'm sitting here getting mad for you, OP!

 

Then you left that apology card?! Jeebus, woman you had nothing to apologize for!

 

 

If you know anything about commitment phobia (I do), his behavior above is the classic "fight" before the "flight."

 

 

Hate to be debbie downer again, but this man sounds like a classic case, and don't be too sure about him turning up anytime soon.

 

 

Again, they are notorious for just disappearing....with no word and no warning.

 

 

Just as things seem to be going well!!

 

 

I am so sorry, I just think you should prepare yourself for that possibility and not keep thinking because he chased you for a year, he's gonna turn up again and everything will be hunky dory.

 

 

He is sending you very clear message here (he feels suffocated). NOT your fault - totally HIS issue all the way.

 

 

Give him enough space and he will start to miss you no doubt. He may return after that...or he may just stay gone.

 

 

IF he turns up again, I would suggest you NEXT him. He's a gutless wonder and bad news. Period.

[candie13]

OP, drop it. Really. His silence speaks louder than 1000 words. Really drop it. This is a decisive moment where you get to decide if you have any self respect or are fine to be his doormat, only to be with him...

 

it is a tough choice, I give you that. I'm sorry about this, but it's at the core of communication and of a relationship. You two don't even have any problems, credit, health issues, sick children... and he acts like this bloody drama queen ? OP... look at the bigger picture. Watch his actions past your emotions. It is not a pretty picture.

 

I'm sorry, you should put him in the "don't really give a f*ck" pile and try to move on.

[losangelena]

If you know anything about commitment phobia (I do), his behavior above is the classic "fight" before the "flight."

 

 

Hate to be debbie downer again, but this man sounds like a classic case, and don't be too sure about him turning up anytime soon.

 

 

Again, they are notorious for just disappearing....with no word and no warning.

 

 

Just as things seem to be going well!!

 

 

I am so sorry, I just think you should prepare yourself for that possibility and not keep thinking because he chased you for a year, he's gonna turn up again and everything will be hunky dory.

 

 

He is sending you very clear message here (he feels suffocated). NOT your fault - totally HIS issue all the way.

 

 

Give him enough space and he will start to miss you no doubt. He may return after that...or he may just stay gone.

 

 

IF he turns up again, I would suggest you NEXT him. He's a gutless wonder and bad news. Period.

 

Right, that's basically what I was saying ...

[katiegrl]

Right, that's basically what I was saying ...

 

I know LA, didn't mean to imply otherwise.

 

 

I copied your post (because it talked about what a bastard he was being (not your words) BEFORE disappearing (the "fight" response).

 

 

But my post was directed to the OP because, based on my previous post, I don't think she fully understands what commitment phobia is (specifically the "fight" or "flight" response), or if it applies in her case ....based on her assertion that, because he chased her for a year, he will turn up like nothing's wrong (like he did last time).

 

 

Not true... he's gone....and probably is not even thinking of her right now, or how bad she feels, etc. as horrible as that sounds.

 

 

Again, I am so sorry GreenEyes.

 

 

Please please please next him IF and when he ever returns.

 

 

You deserve way better than the crap he's dishing out.....it's insensitive and cruel IMO.

 

 

Gutless wonder.

 

 

ETA: And I dont' mean to sound like a know-it-all, I just have a ton of experience with commitment phobic men.

Edited August 17, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

I know LA, didn't mean to imply otherwise.

 

I copied your post (because it talked about what a bastard he was being (not your words) BEFORE disappearing (the "fight" response).

 

OK, got it. I thought maybe you thought OP had written that post. I was like, UMM ...

 

We are on the same page. OP should not give this guy any more of her time. Nor apology.

[GreenEyes1005]

I'm late to this thread, but the bolded part is what really stuck out to me.

 

"In case you hadn't figured it out?" I'm sorry, but what an a**hole. That is one of the rudest things you could say to someone, especially someone you're dating. I can understand if your visit was ill-timed, but your INTENTION was good, you wanted to cheer him up. If he had texted something like, "sorry I was so pissy, sometimes I'm not in the mood for spontaneous visits," that would have been different, you could've talked about it later. But he basically said YOU should have know better; his bad reaction was YOUR fault, because you "didn't know by now."

 

I would have been so hurt by that.

 

And then when you said his reaction made you feel bad, he comes back with how you smell like smoke? Passive-aggressive, much? Who does this guy think he is? It's like he's just trying to make you feel worse.

 

I would be extremely wary of someone like this. Yes, it's normal to overreact and get mad at your loved ones, but when there's no sign of coming back and admitting fault, or at least apologizing for making you feel bad, that is a red flag for me. That's setting up the expectation that moving forward you're going to have to walk on eggshells because you should "know by now" what's going to make him react negatively, and if he does then it's all your fault. Bulls**t. God, I'm sitting here getting mad for you, OP!

 

Then you left that apology card?! Jeebus, woman you had nothing to apologize for!

 

 

Yes I initially thought his "figured it out comment" was a smarta$$ remark too which is why I fired back which spurred his smoking comment... Which spurred on another sassy comment from me. I think each of us could've been more mature about the whole thing but it should not have become an issue where he just goes silent. Not for a guy who's chased me over a year and who has been dating me for 5-6 months anyway.

[losangelena]

Yes I initially thought his "figured it out comment" was a smarta$$ remark too

 

"Initially?" Was it ever in doubt that that's what it was? I reeeeeeeeally don't think it was some attempt to apologize for his d*ckishness. Maybe, but what a boneheaded way to do it. When my BF acts like an a**hole, he'll call me late and say, "sorry for being an a**hole."

 

Either way, girl I think you can do better than a guy like this. I don't think it matters if he pursued you for a month or a year or five years. There's not necessarily any correlation between length of time in pursuit and relational aptitude.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yes he IS very stubborn and so am I. I don't need flowers or anything for him to be "sorry". I know he didn't purposely hurt my feelings and probably felt/feels bad that he essentially took out his bad day on me (which he's never done), which is why I dropped off the card. Kind of as a peace offering, ha. He's put up with my moodiness and I'm perfectly okay with him having days where he's crabby or whatever, but the silence that's ensuing is irritating.

Let me get this straight.

 

He completely disrespected you and treated you horribly when you took the time to stop by and surprise him which you hardly ever do. He made you feel unwelcome and about 2" tall. Nicely played, a*sshole.

 

Then the jerk texts you and tells you how unpleasant visits are when he's OH SO BUSY and that you stunk like smoke on top of it??? What a charmer.

 

I would have drop-kicked his worthless ass to the curb at that point.

 

That's why I'm utterly amazed to hear you making excuses for his jerk's UNACCEPTABLE behavior, claiming, 'I know he didn't mean it' and then you left him a CARD apologizing????

 

Just because this cretin chased you for a year and you've been dating for 5 or 6 months doesn't give him the right to treat you like dirt when you were only trying to stop in and let him know you were in the area and thinking about him.

 

If my husband ever treated me with that much disrespect, he'd bleed.

[GreenEyes1005]

"Initially?" Was it ever in doubt that that's what it was? I reeeeeeeeally don't think it was some attempt to apologize for his d*ckishness. Maybe, but what a boneheaded way to do it. When my BF acts like an a**hole, he'll call me late and say, "sorry for being an a**hole."

 

Either way, girl I think you can do better than a guy like this. I don't think it matters if he pursued you for a month or a year or five years. There's not necessarily any correlation between length of time in pursuit and relational aptitude.

 

 

He's pretty sarcastic so there's no telling, but after I left his work feeling stupid for even going I didn't say a word. He's the one who reached out a couple hours later. If he was mad about me showing up why wouldn't he have just disappeared instead of saying anything? It had to have been the remarks I made in response or the card. I have no idea.

[Lois_Griffin]

I know how you feel, as women we always want to help.

 

But in this case, it will work against you. Right now, he does not want your help. He wants to be left alone. It's nothing personal.

 

If you interrupt his space, it WILL become personal. As in, he will become annoyed with you and resent you. Snap at you, making you feel worse!

 

Just leave him alone. It's only a day or two. Just do your own thing. Meet your girlfriends or something.

 

Okie? No worries, it will be fine imo and I am basing this on personal experience...:bunny:

And when you do finally get the attention from His Royal Highness that you so desperately desire, be sure to lay down on the ground so he can wipe his shoes on your back.

 

I guess some people think being completely disrespected - then blatantly IGNORED after that disrespect - is all a part of being a woman.

 

What a crock of manure.

[Lois_Griffin]

So should I send an apology first or just wait for him to text? The silence kills me but I want to do the right thing this time....

WHAT the hell do you need to apologize FOR????? You've already kissed his ass with a card basically apologizing for breathing in HIS world, so what are you going to apologize for????

 

You are setting SUCH a bad precedent. smh

[GreenEyes1005]

Let me get this straight.

 

He completely disrespected you and treated you horribly when you took the time to stop by and surprise him which you hardly ever do. He made you feel unwelcome and about 2" tall. Nicely played, a*sshole.

 

Then the jerk texts you and tells you how unpleasant visits are when he's OH SO BUSY and that you stunk like smoke on top of it??? What a charmer.

 

I would have drop-kicked his worthless ass to the curb at that point.

 

That's why I'm utterly amazed to hear you making excuses for his jerk's UNACCEPTABLE behavior, claiming, 'I know he didn't mean it' and then you left him a CARD apologizing????

 

Just because this cretin chased you for a year and you've been dating for 5 or 6 months doesn't give him the right to treat you like dirt when you were only trying to stop in and let him know you were in the area and thinking about him.

 

If my husband ever treated me with that much disrespect, he'd bleed.

 

Yeah, I hear you. I don't think I did anything wrong except for apologizing when he's the one who provoked the argument. I really don't think he meant to hurt my feelings, but he definitely did and hasn't apologized. It was disrespectful and I'm still in shock how a 5-6 month relationship that's been moving forward positively can be stopped by silence over an issue that wasn't even that big. Had he apologized I would've been over it in a few days. Now I'm really wanting an explanation or something but he's appearing to be too cowardly to handle that.

[Lois_Griffin]

I haven't said anything, but it's still silence from him since Thursday night around 10pm. We've never gone more than two days without contact, it's driving me nuts. Of course I'm thinking the worst possible stuff right now... Isn't prolonged no-contact going to make things worse? If this goes on much longer I'm going to start resenting him.

Unless he's in the morgue with a tag on his toe, there are no OTHER acceptable reasons for this level of disrespect. I don't understand why you don't see this. You're far too kind and he's a nasty, immature man-child.

[katiegrl]

Yes I initially thought his "figured it out comment" was a smarta$$ remark too which is why I fired back which spurred his smoking comment... Which spurred on another sassy comment from me. I think each of us could've been more mature about the whole thing but it should not have become an issue where he just goes silent. Not for a guy who's chased me over a year and who has been dating me for 5-6 months anyway.

 

You keep referring to the fact he "chased you for over a year" as if that's supposed to make some sort of difference in how he behaves once he's in a relationship with you.

 

 

It doesn't, it makes no difference whether he chased you for a year or ten years. In fact, if you want to attach any relevance to it, it's that his chasing you for a year indicates he enjoys THE CHASE, and now that he's actually in a relationship with you, after the honeymoon period, he feels differently.

 

 

But nevermind that, the ONLY thing that matters now is that he has disappeared. And his disappearance has NOTHING to do with your showing up at his office unexpectedly, or your replying to his snarky comment with your own snarky comment, etc.

 

 

He has disappeared because he feels boxed in, suffocated and mostly likely wants OUT.

 

 

He snapped at you on Thursday because you invaded his space and he felt emotionally suffocated by that....and that may have been his breaking point. So he snapped.

 

 

I realize you've done it before and he was receptive, but that before he began to feel boxed in, etc.

 

 

Please stop assuming he has disappeared because of your tiff, that was just a "symptom" of the much larger "disease".....that being he feels emotionally stifled, boxed in and wants out. At least for right now.

 

 

My guess is he much preferred chasing you because while he was chasing you, you were a challenge, there was no relationship, no chance of feeling emotionally suffocated, no threat to his freedom, etc.

 

 

I think he's been feeling this for awhile, but never shared with you. He compensated by telling you (and himself) that you were the best thing ever, etc. Very typical of men with commitment issues.

 

 

Then it all came crashing down on him....and he needs space. So he's disappeared.

 

 

Maybe someday you will understand this. I hope so.

Edited August 17, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

He's pretty sarcastic so there's no telling, but after I left his work feeling stupid for even going I didn't say a word. He's the one who reached out a couple hours later. If he was mad about me showing up why wouldn't he have just disappeared instead of saying anything? It had to have been the remarks I made in response or the card. I have no idea.

 

Because he was REALLY irritated, and he needed to express that. Obviously!

 

 

He also wanted to send you a clear message ...he's NOT happy and on his way out.

 

 

But you don't appear to be getting that for some reason. Maybe you're in denial, whatevs....not ready to accept.

 

 

Look, I hope I am wrong and he calls you tonight. But I would still be PISSED and would NOT be so ready to take him back, assuming he wants to come back.

 

 

He behaved REALLY badly here...and he needs to face the consequences of that behavior. Otherwise, it will become a pattern... a very unhealthy pattern.

Edited August 17, 2015 by katiegrl