smackie9 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Wow I don't remember dating being this complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Wow I don't remember dating being this complicated. It's not when you're both really into each other. Sadly, usually one or both parties aren't that thrilled or excited about dating. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Wow I don't remember dating being this complicated. It's only getting complicated because the guy is trying to train her to be his booty call last minute - instead of planning out a real date where he takes her out to dinner or to an event... And she's standing firm on expecting him to take her out... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nouedis Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Honestly just go out with this guy! Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I'm enjoying this thread and your contributions, VersaceHottie Stand firm, Gaeta! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 So as some of you expected he text at 7 pm with 'what u up to?'. I replied I was at my brother. He said ok he was spending time with his kids. No text was exchanged after that. The other guy stood me up, this one is just waiting for a home invitation. I see my luck is still going strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Any of my coaches around? He's texting me right now that he would like to see me tonight at 20h after his seminar and he'll drive my way. I know it's last minute and he's pushing his luck but I don't know how to handle it !! Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Hmmm. Tonight is your supposed date night, right? I would ask him what the plans are. I wouldn't let him come hang out at your house. Remember, he must show you he is putting in effort. If he says something about just coming over to chill, sweetly decline and say something like, "oh, why don't you just call me next week when you want to go out and do something. It's busy for me, so be sure to give me a few days notice so I can make sure that night stays open." I don't know about this guy. Time will tell. Just don't let him get away with doing nothing, planning nothing, and coming over to hang out. If he does pick you up for a date, be sure to meet him at the door, and don't invite him in after the date. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Any of my coaches around? He's texting me right now that he would like to see me tonight at 20h after his seminar and he'll drive my way. I know it's last minute and he's pushing his luck but I don't know how to handle it !! Did he offer to take you out? What is his plan? I don't understand why he isn't making specific plans... Or rather I do - he keeps giving the impression he expects only sex from you but no date. Is that what you want? If not, say no... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 He is not treating you like a full priority. Dating without expectations is fine but it doesn't mean you drop your standards for how someone treats you. It just means no pressure to be number one priority be expected and go slow. So wait, I thought it was kids sports and now it's a seminar and he's still trying to squeeze you in last minute in a bad way? No. He is acting like you are desperate. This is a perfect opportunity to show him you are not. As I said before and others above me on this post just said, do not accept tonight. Why would you accept a half date? He didn't take time to plan it, didn't get back to you about it until this morning when he absolutely should have known before or scheduled on a day he KNEW he could make it and give it his full attention. I'd also like to point out that it is conveniently after his "seminar" and he will come your way. Sounds like a push to be near your place and hook up afterward because he is not devoting time to actually be on a date together. This is also an opportunity to show him that if he is putting you in a position where it has hook-up-y vibes, you are not interested. Don't be desperate and even consider this. This is not respectful of you both for your time or the intentions. Do what I told you before: say maybe next week when we both have some proper time. Period. don't make it easy for him by figuring out the date or place or again even CONSIDERING a lame date "near" your place at the end of the night. He is an amusing failure with that suggestion. 10 steps back. And stop accepting his texts and feeling like you need to respond to him like he is a priority to you---when he hasn't even gotten back to you about the date until this morning. This is giving him a message (NOT EVEN A MIXED ONE) that you are desperate. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Did he offer to take you out? What is his plan? I don't understand why he isn't making specific plans... Or rather I do - he keeps giving the impression he expects only sex from you but no date. Is that what you want? If not, say no... No plans! He only said he wants to come and see me and he'll drive my way from his seminar. I didn't reply yet. I think I will give him the address of a terrace. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Hmmm. Tonight is your supposed date night, right? I would ask him what the plans are. I wouldn't let him come hang out at your house. Remember, he must show you he is putting in effort. If he says something about just coming over to chill, sweetly decline and say something like, "oh, why don't you just call me next week when you want to go out and do something. It's busy for me, so be sure to give me a few days notice so I can make sure that night stays open." I don't know about this guy. Time will tell. Just don't let him get away with doing nothing, planning nothing, and coming over to hang out. If he does pick you up for a date, be sure to meet him at the door, and don't invite him in after the date. I think this guy is making his intentions plainly clear. I do think Gaeta should say what you suggest, and maintain her boundary. But I don't think he's testing her. I think a casual fling thing is what he's after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 No plans! He only said he wants to come and see me and he'll drive my way from his seminar. I didn't reply yet. I think I will give him the address of a terrace. Why would you give him an address? He needs to be the one making the plan. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 He's just trying to stage a hookup. Unless all you want is sex, you have to hold the line. That deal where you said no for the day-of date (good) and that you were available Thursday and he said he'd have to wait until close to then to let you know, at that time, you say "OK, and if I haven't heard from you by Wednesday night, I'll go ahead and make other plans." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 No plans! He only said he wants to come and see me and he'll drive my way from his seminar. I didn't reply yet. I think I will give him the address of a terrace. I appreciate the humor BUT behind humor is a hint of the truth. Are you mad at him? Disappointed in him? Fed up? Well this is another lesson. You are making it about him. Who cares if he's an idiot?!! He's obviously pushing his luck with you but it's also about how you've conditioned him and interacted with him this far. If you're upset, you've made him far too important in your life. I said this was one of the things you needed to work on. He's been giving you some messages all along that you need to correct and teach him about what type of person you really are. This is only an opportunity to do that and learn about what type of person he is. Take your power back and make it about you. Say no happily. This is far from the end or the world and you may not be writing him off for good. You ARE most importantly teaching him how to treat you!!! With your actions. I'd be disappointing if you did this experiment these several days that the first time you are faced with a real roadblock from him you throw in towel and be like this guy sucks. He may or may not. Getting him to be your bf is not the goal. You lose nothing by calmly and breezily saying to him maybe next week---even if you lose interest by next week and never go. This whole practice is about learning to manage your own expectations and communicate how you'd like to be treated to the other person. You are not done with this. The end goal is not going the date or not. That is a by-product. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 OK oufff ! I told him it was too last minute and too limited in time. I have free time coming up in the next few days to plan an outing ahead of time if he wishes. He replied: Ok but I really would like to kiss you before going to bed tonight. My blood pressure is rising. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 And remember he said "no expectations," so when you do end up going out with him and he expects you to invite him in and sleep with him, you can always remind him there are "no expectations" and for you that meant of hooking up right away. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 OK oufff ! I told him it was too last minute and too limited in time. I have free time coming up in the next few days to plan an outing ahead of time if he wishes. He replied: Ok but I really would like to kiss you before going to bed tonight. My blood pressure is rising. Because too limited and too last minute isn't the right response. Tell him straight up to treat you like a lady and plan a proper date or to stop contacting you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 OK oufff ! I told him it was too last minute and too limited in time. I have free time coming up in the next few days to plan an outing ahead of time if he wishes. He replied: Ok but I really would like to kiss you before going to bed tonight. My blood pressure is rising. Ayayay, he doesn't want a date. He wants sex. It's too bad, because this guy is making no effort to date you. He wants sex for free. I wouldn't want to be that gal - especially when I'm looking for a man to treat me well. I'd be tempted to tell him your idea of a date doesn't match up with his - due to lack of planning and effort. He seems like a douchebag. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 OK oufff ! I told him it was too last minute and too limited in time. I have free time coming up in the next few days to plan an outing ahead of time if he wishes. He replied: Ok but I really would like to kiss you before going to bed tonight. My blood pressure is rising. Well you should have said you made other plans when you didn't hear from him about it yesterday. That teaches him to book with you in advance. Too limited in time sounds like you want to spend a lot of time with him wherever when you had a perfect opportunity to say "proper" date. That fixes both his laziness and sex connotations. If he would disappear because you are stating your needs, so be it. You would not be on the same page. No disappointment necessary because you are not that invested. Don't get mad about his last comment. Just don't answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Because too limited and too last minute isn't the right response. Tell him straight up to treat you like a lady and plan a proper date or to stop contacting you. This is a gist of what message you needed to get across. Though I wouldn't do it with a reprimanding tone. Light and breezy so he can save face (and more importantly you can--like he's not that important to you) and come back with something better. And you don't need to respond to his last statement. No contact when they are out of line speaks volumes. Also Gaeta don't be offended with all of his stuff. We knew he was going to be like this. You need to keep your own goal in mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Well you should have said you made other plans when you didn't hear from him about it yesterday. That teaches him to book with you in advance. Too limited in time sounds like you want to spend a lot of time with him wherever when you had a perfect opportunity to say "proper" date. That fixes both his laziness and sex connotations. If he would disappear because you are stating your needs, so be it. You would not be on the same page. No disappointment necessary because you are not that invested. Don't get mad about his last comment. Just don't answer. I think he needs to be told exactly where he's failing. Now he knows to be ahead of time and I won't get out of my way for a late night date on a week day. I think I am going to ignore his last comment about a kiss before bed. Notice how he brushed off my suggestion of organizing a real date ahead of time and he just stick to what he wants out of me today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I think he needs to be told exactly where he's failing. Now he knows to be ahead of time and I won't get out of my way for a late night date on a week day. I think I am going to ignore his last comment about a kiss before bed. Notice how he brushed off my suggestion of organizing a real date ahead of time and he just stick to what he wants out of me today. Yes, he's a horrible person. I'm being sarcastic. You are still making it about him and getting too emotional about it. Even when he's an idiot, it's amusing. If this practice is about you, why are you reverting to your old patterns? I say that not to be mean but so you can keep focused. You're emotional because your overly invested; you're offended because your boundaries are not firmly in place; you swing wildly to wanting to tell him off, when you were supposed to manage your own expectations (not because he told you to but because it's the right thing to do no matter his intentions and so you can suss out what his intentions are and what sort of person he is! and I mean general "he" applicable to any guy). Good so he's sticking to his intentions. Instead of making you mad, that should teach you something about him. If you are calm and standards set, no sweat, you'd just be losing interest and he'd drop in priority. 10 steps back until he can do better. Maybe you'd forget about him in meantime. Don't put yourself on a string for another date. I said to make it really vague: "maybe" "next week". you'd be telling him he needs to put in effort---to be evaluated by you when he presents an offer. If you are managing your expectations, this would hardly be annoying. You also would have real plans, even doing your nails and I'm serious, for tonight so you will have lost nothing. And you won't be holding out hope for whatever his future date and contact will be because you don't know what it is yet. You know the only thing you can control: what is acceptable to you and what your standards are and with those firmly in place you can evaluate what he offers. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 Yes, he's a horrible person. I'm being sarcastic. You are still making it about him and getting too emotional about it. Even when he's an idiot, it's amusing. If this practice is about you, why are you reverting to your old patterns? I say that not to be mean but so you can keep focused. You're emotional because your overly invested; I am not invested in that guy, I don't care if he disappears this instant. I am fed up, bitter and out of patience with my dating life. I am tired of being seen as a vagina on 2 legs and nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I am not invested in that guy, ***I don't care if he disappears this instant.*** I am fed up, bitter and out of patience with my dating life. I am tired of being seen as a vagina on 2 legs and nothing more. Quote in asterisk... Well then you should not have contacted him again in the first place, let alone made a date with him. You get what you give! You don't give two shyts about any of these guys, including the one who stood you up last night. So why do you expect *them* to give two shyts about you? STOP making dates with men you don't give a crap about....do you really need male attention that badly that you have to resort to calling some dude you had a couple of dates with nine months ago? Come on Gaeta. Grow up you are 49 years old not some teenager. Exercise some discretion here. Wait for that guy you feel a real mutual connection with, and you won't be dealing with men who only see you as a vagina. They see you that way because THAT is the energy you give off. Love yourself, respect yourself and don't settle for men you don't give a crap about and who don't give a crap about you. They will use you for sex. Don't allow it. Value yourself! If that means going without male attention for a few weeks or months, so be it. Tough love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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