He offered dating with no expectations?

[martaldn]

Most of you are familiar with my dating history. In the past 3,5 years I met probably close to 150 men and nothing really serious has materialized so far. I hear often something must be wrong with me for meeting that many men and I'm still single, my men picker is off, I am too reserved, not enough, I heard it all. Among those 150 men many I did not wish to pursue for valid reasons but a few I am sure I've dismissed too fast for silly reasons mostly because I am a big multi-dater and I had too many options at the time.

 

So I gave some thoughts to it all and I did something I've never did before. I contacted someone I had gone on 1 date with about 9 months ago. Someone I felt I had a good connection with but for the reasons above I've declined his 2nd date invite. I guess deep down I knew I was over-looking a good guy because I've always kept his phone number.

 

About a month ago I've messaged him something light and casual. He was surprised to hear from me and very receptive. We called and he told me he never understood why I shut him down back then because after all we had a really good first date, before I say anything he added he was open to seeing me again.

 

So 9 months later we had our 2nd date last night. It was pretty cool and everything was on me of course.

 

He told me during dinner he knows already he wants to see me again and again but he wants to date with no expectations and no time frame. Lets just have fun and it'll be what it'll be. When he said <fun> he was not referring to sex. He specified he has no time-frame for that either what ever I wish.

 

What do you think of this dating with no expectations?

 

He is probably not ready to commit. He doesnt mean necessary that he is only looking for sex but definitely doesnt want to think about the future.

if you really like him im not sure this set would be ideal for you but in case you decide to go ahead i would date also other people in the meantime.

[BlueIris]

…

I contacted someone I had gone on 1 date with about 9 months ago. Someone I felt I had a good connection with but for the reasons above I've declined his 2nd date invite. …

 

He told me during dinner he knows already he wants to see me again and again but he wants to date with no expectations and no time frame. Lets just have fun and it'll be what it'll be. When he said <fun> he was not referring to sex. He specified he has no time-frame for that either what ever I wish.

 

What do you think of this dating with no expectations?

 

I think it’s the best way to date- and the only sane way to date for online dating. It doesn’t make sense to have expectations or draw conclusions until you have spent enough time together to know more than surface stuff. When I did OLD, I stopped seeing anyone who had expectations or got intense within the first month-plus because it was unrealistic to me. He didn’t even know me yet. I think most just wanted to have the sex and then decide if we were a good match after that. No thanks.

[Versacehottie]

What do you think of it?

 

Your thoughts are the only thoughts that matter here.

 

For me: I'm not into it. Why? I'm looking for something serious at this point in my life. I'm dating to find someone I can build a future with. Therefore someone who wants no expectations, no time frame, just a big giant free for all of nothing specific doesn't suit me. But that's me and where I am now. At other times in my life when I was less concerned about that something like that might have been fine. So it's up to you and what your own objective for dating is at this point.

 

If you want a boyfriend and a real relationship I think betting on Mr. No Expectations is likely a very bad idea. Lots of women get this kind of guy who is upfront from day one and go along with it and think oh he'll just wake up and be in love with me one day and start to want more and often times that never happens and they wait and wait and wait for something to materialize out of a man that was upfront about his aimlessness from jump. So you just have to be honest about what you want and if this will work for you and if you're likely to be able to communicate your needs and walk away should you find that you start wanting more and he is still talking about "no expectations."

 

I agree with your point of view that Gaeta's thoughts are what matters. And I agree with your course of actions if the goal is finding a boyfriend. I think the shorter term goal is to learn how to date FIRST so she can get a boyfriend in the future. She is going to keep repeating same her same mistakes if she doesn't sort them out first. Blowing a chance with a good guy! Why not practice on someone that probably isn't it? OP needs to learn how to dating with proper pacing, read cues and signals, not bend her standards and keep realistic expectations.

 

Actually a guy who has cad-like behavior and set the parameters at "no expectations" couldn't be a better candidate for this! Plus he is contacting her quite a bit, so it's the mixed message she needs to practice of pacing and keeping things in perspective. I don't think it will be a waste. Even if she goes on 3 more dates with him before she's done, it may take her that long to have another real prospect up and running. And she most definitely should be dating others, since this guy has made no promises and they are "just beginning" anyway. Just my POV. I would rather f*ck up and practice on this guy rather than blow it with the next one that comes along who is a good guy.

[katiegrl]

I am just SO surprised it would even cross your mind I'd accept a relationship of convenience lol

 

Well.......apparently you are not aware of how you (or your posts) come across on this forum, because as you know I am not only one who got that vibe from reading all your posts over the months.

 

That was the perception many, if not most, of us got.....hence all the responses calling you "desperate" or "not picky enough," etc.

 

So thank you for clarifying!!!! :bunny:

 

I am getting a different picture now.....a good more healthy picture.

 

It's all good. Continue your search and have fun!

[nadine5]

Most of you are familiar with my dating history. In the past 3,5 years I met probably close to 150 men and nothing really serious has materialized so far. I hear often something must be wrong with me for meeting that many men and I'm still single, my men picker is off, I am too reserved, not enough, I heard it all. Among those 150 men many I did not wish to pursue for valid reasons but a few I am sure I've dismissed too fast for silly reasons mostly because I am a big multi-dater and I had too many options at the time.

 

So I gave some thoughts to it all and I did something I've never did before. I contacted someone I had gone on 1 date with about 9 months ago. Someone I felt I had a good connection with but for the reasons above I've declined his 2nd date invite. I guess deep down I knew I was over-looking a good guy because I've always kept his phone number.

 

About a month ago I've messaged him something light and casual. He was surprised to hear from me and very receptive. We called and he told me he never understood why I shut him down back then because after all we had a really good first date, before I say anything he added he was open to seeing me again.

 

So 9 months later we had our 2nd date last night. It was pretty cool and everything was on me of course.

 

He told me during dinner he knows already he wants to see me again and again but he wants to date with no expectations and no time frame. Lets just have fun and it'll be what it'll be. When he said <fun> he was not referring to sex. He specified he has no time-frame for that either what ever I wish.

 

What do you think of this dating with no expectations?

 

He probably thinks you're flaky because you bailed on his second date invitation and he's scared to get into anything deep with you. You need to prove yourself this time around and show him that you want a serious relationship.

[beach]

He's had time, by now, to check his schedule. Did he let you know?

 

I'm wondering if he's going to make you wait and then let you know again last minute...? And also wondering if he's going to plan out a date for you - like, make effort...

 

Or if he's training you to be accepting of last minute non planned dates that look like booty calls...

 

 

Hopefully, he's confirmed and made the plans you prompted him to consider.

[Gaeta]

He's had time, by now, to check his schedule. Did he let you know?

 

I'm wondering if he's going to make you wait and then let you know again last minute...? And also wondering if he's going to plan out a date for you - like, make effort...

 

Or if he's training you to be accepting of last minute non planned dates that look like booty calls...

 

 

Hopefully, he's confirmed and made the plans you prompted him to consider.

 

I didn't hear from him yet.

 

I got a text 'hello' from him last night at 22h50! I was sleeping, I heard it and decided to not reply.

 

It's interesting, I don't really care one way or the other so I can really practice my boundaries when he gets back to me.

[GemmaUK]

I didn't hear from him yet.

 

I got a text 'hello' from him last night at 22h50! I was sleeping, I heard it and decided to not reply.

 

It's interesting, I don't really care one way or the other so I can really practice my boundaries when he gets back to me.

 

 

Nice one!

You've set a boundary by your actions already!

I recall with the last guy it was acceptable to call up to midnight.

I always set a reasonable time to contact me boundary (oh..aside from my last ex who was controlling and abusive - I would have to switch my phone off or leave it in another room in order to get some sleep. Ugh! I'll never date a guy like him again. I know what signs to look for this time around thankfully.) - even me and my friends have it between us unless there is an emergency.

[Gary S]

There is nothing wrong with meeting people for a few years... it's always better to be single than in a poor relationship.

[kendahke]

We kissed at the end of our 2nd date last night. Innocent lip kissing, that doesn't make me a whore.

 

Then I am not offended by his suggestion to kiss me again tonight, I am disappointed at the following suggestions - kissing - touching - and so on.

 

did he say he wanted to do all of that tonight or was he implying in the future--as a way of telling you he's not down for friendzone antics?

 

Sounds to me as if he's attracted to you, he believes you're attracted to him.

 

If him expressing to you his attraction is off-putting, then I'd suggest not kissing men until you are 100% certain they are exactly what you are looking for in a partner. I seriously doubt he'd say something like that if you gave him an indication that that door is nailed shut.

[Gaeta]

did he say he wanted to do all of that tonight or was he implying in the future--as a way of telling you he's not down for friendzone antics?

 

Sounds to me as if he's attracted to you, he believes you're attracted to him.

 

If him expressing to you his attraction is off-putting, then I'd suggest not kissing men until you are 100% certain they are exactly what you are looking for in a partner. I seriously doubt he'd say something like that if you gave him an indication that that door is nailed shut.

 

 

That was his idea of our next date.

 

He asked if I was free that same night.

I asked what he had in mind for tonight

He replied: I have a lot on my mind, kissing, touching, and so on..........

 

What is a girl suppose to conclude?

[Versacehottie]

I didn't hear from him yet.

 

I got a text 'hello' from him last night at 22h50! I was sleeping, I heard it and decided to not reply.

 

It's interesting, I don't really care one way or the other so I can really practice my boundaries when he gets back to me.

 

Ok good work. He is really pushing it. Basically I'm taking it that he is confused. You contacting him after 9 months is a mixed message so he is really testing and overly excited about what it really means. Also agreeing to "no expectations" is also confusing. No worries. You just have to get and make YOUR message clear. To you that means dating slow and you expect he will be a gentlemen and treat you relationship worthy to prove that he is worthy of a relationship. Texting that late is also stepping out of line. This is good practice as long as you see it that way. Don't get overly excited. Bottom line is a bit disrespectful and he is pushing his agenda. Make sure you push yours harder.

[Gaeta]

You guys have it live.

 

He just text at 4 pm. He is doing casual chitchat. No mention of his availability. I am not asking. He DID say yesterday he'd get back to me on that.

[Versacehottie]

That was his idea of our next date.

 

He asked if I was free that same night.

I asked what he had in mind for tonight

He replied: I have a lot on my mind, kissing, touching, and so on..........

 

What is a girl suppose to conclude?

 

It is a sexual connotation, first and foremost. He is overly eager about that part of it. For someone that wants "no expectations" he is really rushing in. You need to pace him. If you don't, he will see it as another mixed message and see that you are too invested. Someone who is promised nothing more than "no expectations" is not going to drop her schedule, respond to every text and every phone call AS IF she is in a relationship. Don't give a relationship type behavior on your end without that commitment from him. Don't ask for it. Make him do the work to prove he is worthy--it's more bonding anyway. And then let him ask you. Keep it slow and "no expectations" on your end until he offers something real. He should have "no expectations" that you will be at his disposal if he is not offering more yet.

[Versacehottie]

You guys have it live.

 

He just text at 4 pm. He is doing casual chitchat. No mention of his availability. I am not asking. He DID say yesterday he'd get back to me on that.

 

Exactly! I thought this was coming. He is literally throwing you every test. You are not going out with him tomorrow. Just say what I said in that other post of mine. Let him arrange for another day--nothing sooner than late this weekend or next week. I'm serious. How long does it take to find out his kids sports schedule? He is treating you like you are desperate and on a string. Don't fall for it. He's amusing. And his little amusing date can wait until you have free time next week, if that.

[GemmaUK]

You guys have it live.

 

He just text at 4 pm. He is doing casual chitchat. No mention of his availability. I am not asking. He DID say yesterday he'd get back to me on that.

 

So it's Wednesday.

Circa 28 hrs until date time.

But he did say he was going to contact you about the date didn't he even though he wanted you to lead.

 

If he hasn't brought up and arranged a time by the end of Wednesday (I'd give that until reasonable skool night bedtime so 10pm)then I have other plans for Thursday and so should you.

No excuses. All he has to do is set the time as the place is already sorted.

He is a man and is fully capable......

[Carm]

That was his idea of our next date.

 

He asked if I was free that same night.

I asked what he had in mind for tonight

He replied: I have a lot on my mind, kissing, touching, and so on..........

 

What is a girl suppose to conclude?

 

Gaeta,

 

 

I don't like the sounds of this guy. My rule for a man I was on a date with who brings up such things...."kissing, touching and so on"....after just two dates is pushing his boundaries.

 

 

The other thing is he text you to chit chat at 4pm today and didn't even bring up your possible Thursday night date? This guy is a time waster but on the other hand if this is the guy that you want to practice putting boundaries up then go for it.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta,

 

 

I don't like the sounds of this guy. My rule for a man I was on a date with who brings up such things...."kissing, touching and so on"....after just two dates is pushing his boundaries.

 

 

The other thing is he text you to chit chat at 4pm today and didn't even bring up your possible Thursday night date? This guy is a time waster but on the other hand if this is the guy that you want to practice putting boundaries up then go for it.

 

I agree.

 

And his attitude kind of makes the other guy appear better. Other guy kissed me on our 3rd date and has never made any kind of sexual innuendos.

[GemmaUK]

Gaeta,

 

 

I don't like the sounds of this guy. My rule for a man I was on a date with who brings up such things...."kissing, touching and so on"....after just two dates is pushing his boundaries.

 

 

The other thing is he text you to chit chat at 4pm today and didn't even bring up your possible Thursday night date? This guy is a time waster but on the other hand if this is the guy that you want to practice putting boundaries up then go for it.

 

 

He is practice guy...

For practice I wouldn't even text chat past 7.30pm tonight and I would be unavailable for a call.

OK..I would do that when not in practice to be honest.

[Gaeta]

He is practice guy...

For practice I wouldn't even text chat past 7.30pm tonight and I would be unavailable for a call.

OK..I would do that when not in practice to be honest.

 

In 30 minutes I am heading home and got plans with my other guy. I will be radio silent till tomorrow.

[beach]

You guys have it live.

 

He just text at 4 pm. He is doing casual chitchat. No mention of his availability. I am not asking. He DID say yesterday he'd get back to me on that.

 

Now it's just rude that he's not answered.

[GemmaUK]

Don't forget that even though this guy is practice guy it doesn't mean you can't practice on the new date guy too...

 

Practice is what it's all about.

 

Have a great night! x

[Versacehottie]

He is practice guy...

For practice I wouldn't even text chat past 7.30pm tonight and I would be unavailable for a call.

OK..I would do that when not in practice to be honest.

 

EXACTLY!! It's not that one guy is better than the other than someone else. Make sure that you don't keep the focus on the GUYS. The focus is on you. What do you find acceptable? What does it teach you about him? Not compared to the other guy (who can be somewhat of an ass too!). Point is if none of these guys meet your standards, you take none happily. Most people will test your boundaries in one way or another. You have to have some.

[Versacehottie]

Oops I forgot to add, that's one reason why you don't accept and respond to every phone call. You don't want him to think you're mad and possibly shut down. You want him to do better, show you better, treat you better. That's why intermittent access is best until he's your bf. Anyway, tomorrow give a breezy I had plans last night if he asks you. Actually in this case I wouldn't let him even think it was with another guy. You want to remind him he's not that important yet--so let him think you were busy with your daughter or girlfriends. You need to pepper him with information that takes focus off him believing you are desperate or too sexual (that's why don't let him think you were on another date tonight) and don't act mad.

 

You shouldn't be mad anyway. You're observing his behavior. He is not significant in your life yet. He's showing you who he is. By mid day today, he lost his spot for a date with you tomorrow anyway. He didn't waste your time because you didn't allow him to. And you will be careful with how you let him monopolize your time next time because of this fu*k up. (basically, i think it would have been smart to say when he could not confirm for thursday at first time discussing it: oh we can do it next week, sometime when we both know our schedules better. He put you on a string and you let him. Anyway, that's what this practice is about).

 

I hope some of this is sinking in. It's not to play games to get this guy to jump through hoops. It's to get clear on what message you want to send out and ARE sending out. The message is not clear yet or he obviously would not be trying these stunts. And there is a pattern of messages across a variety of guys who somehow are getting the same message from OP--that's what we need to work on.

[katiegrl]

Oops I forgot to add, that's one reason why you don't accept and respond to every phone call. You don't want him to think you're mad and possibly shut down. You want him to do better, show you better, treat you better. That's why intermittent access is best until he's your bf. Anyway, tomorrow give a breezy I had plans last night if he asks you. Actually in this case I wouldn't let him even think it was with another guy. You want to remind him he's not that important yet--so let him think you were busy with your daughter or girlfriends. You need to pepper him with information that takes focus off him believing you are desperate or too sexual (that's why don't let him think you were on another date tonight) and don't act mad.

 

You shouldn't be mad anyway. You're observing his behavior. He is not significant in your life yet. He's showing you who he is. By mid day today, he lost his spot for a date with you tomorrow anyway. He didn't waste your time because you didn't allow him to. And you will be careful with how you let him monopolize your time next time because of this fu*k up. (basically, i think it would have been smart to say when he could not confirm for thursday at first time discussing it: oh we can do it next week, sometime when we both know our schedules better. He put you on a string and you let him. Anyway, that's what this practice is about).

 

I hope some of this is sinking in. It's not to play games to get this guy to jump through hoops. It's to get clear on what message you want to send out and ARE sending out. The message is not clear yet or he obviously would not be trying these stunts. And there is a pattern of messages across a variety of guys who somehow are getting the same message from OP--that's what we need to work on.

 

Versache...what's in bolded is SPOT ON! The whole post actually, but the bolded hit home with me.

 

SO TRUE!!