He offered dating with no expectations?

[h0000]

 

Also I am 49, pushing 50 soon (thanks Katie) and I feel one morning I will get up and I won't qualify as cute anymore.

 

This mindset probably makes you smell desperate to men?

 

No one is cute at 50 anyway. I'm sure you can still be elegant. And frankly I don't understand why you are so keen to have a man? Sure it's nice to have a company but you can also enjoy living the rest of your life with your family and friends.

Once you stop wanting a man so bad, the man will probably come. lol

[Gaeta]

No one is cute at 50 anyway.

 

Wow thanks for the ego boost.

 

 

And frankly I don't understand why you are so keen to have a man? Sure it's nice to have a company but you can also enjoy living the rest of your life with your family and friends.

I need intimacy, connection and love. You think at 50 we stop being sexual and we stop dreaming of love?

 

Once you stop wanting a man so bad, the man will probably come. lol

I didn't look for 8 years and no one came knocking at my door.

[Gaeta]

There are people with all kinds of dysfunctions in this world, more dysfunctions than the alphabet can hold, then people with mental illness like chronic depression, Asperger, anxiety, addiction and these people are in loving relationships no matter their baggage dysfunctions and illnesses. And I am suppose to accept I am not in a relationship because I am what? too sexual? too flexible? Too what? What ever my dysfunction is it should not keep me from finding someone.

[Versacehottie]

Here's the thing, I don't ever feel offended at sex jokes or innuendos. They leave me completely indifferent. When I hear them too early I feel disappointment because I know it means he's not into getting to know me but I don't experience offense from it.

 

I am not sure why I am indifferent to it, and this as far as I can remember I have been indifferent to it. Maybe it's from growing up in a men's world (farm) than so many years on military bases.

 

So make him get to know you. You don't just cave to what he wants or what he's saying. Most guys are testing when they say these things. You sense disappointment because you know it's out of line. It's not wrong that someone desires you that way and vice versa. But they know they've stepped out of line. Testing the boundaries is how a lot of guys figure out if you meet their standards. If it comes up for you more than the average person (which I would say it does in your case), there are probably some innuendos or vibe that you give out that signals to them to try. So you make them get to know you by re-directing conversation back to more dating appropriate, second date appropriate and respectful stuff.

 

I have to say this because it's important: don't believe that there is a forgone conclusion in dating. It pervades a lot of these stories and is giving the guy all the power. You both are going to figure it out. You have power as a decider as does whichever guy. You wouldn't be AS disappointed if you believed this was just a chance to express to a new guy who you are and how he should treat you. In other words, you would think: I'm not sure if this guy does this to everyone and is just crude or if something I did made him think it was ok to do to me; let me set him straight. As the post above said, either with light-hearted blow off statement or your actions. Actually it's a good thing. Any opportunity to show a person you are dating who you really are that lays the groundwork for a good relationship down the road is worth it. Even if end result a small interaction is not favorable (he was just a user or just after sex), ok well good you found out who he is right up front. Think of the beginning of dating as information gathering (not in an interview way!!), fun and laying groundwork (by expressing your standards and who you are).

[Versacehottie]

He told me at restaurant last night, and again today, that I am in charge and he prefers to let me lead. What ever I wish he'll follow so Thursday I wish to go to Just for Laugh festival downtown.

 

That's a good idea. My friend is going and I have been. I wonder why he is letting you make the plans. Hmmmmmm. Well I wouldn't work too hard on it. That sounds a tad lazy on his part, which would be another thing to be cautious about. So who is doing the follow up phone call? My point is if you have definite plans to go out thursday and he is just letting you pick the activity that's ok but he needs to put some effort in. I would beware that this isn't some version of the previous test with the sexual innuendos. It sounds like he could be testing you to see how high you will jump. Make a suggestion and make sure he puts some decent effort in order to go on thursday otherwise just say we can get together some other time. That shows the standard that you want a guy who puts effort in. You don't go on a date in which he has not exhibited effort.

[Versacehottie]

For me, it's not so much I take offense, I just don't appreciate it and it turns me off....I also think it's disrespectful, but it takes a lot to actually offend me, so I don't get offended, just turned off.

 

So I ignore and just don't respond which sends them the message I DON'T appreciate it and if they want to continue seeing me, they need to knock the sexually suggestive stuff OFF.... (until of course we become sexual, and after which they can send me all the sexually suggestive stuff they want (and vice versa....lol )

 

I am only talking about the very very early stages, like within the first few dates.

 

Anyway, that has what has always worked for me....and gotten the message across.

 

And Gaeta, I understand what you mean, I grew up in a house with five brothers (and have heard it ALL and then some), BUT I still think it's disrespectful for a man to send that type of stuff so early on....BEFORE he gets to know me and knows how I will respond to it.

 

JMO

 

Yes 100% agree and as far as brothers and growing up around guys. IMO and experience, girls who have brothers and a lot of exposure to guys growing up are typically the BEST at navigating relationships because of having been exposed to guys as they really are.

 

Gaeta, granted on the base that might have gotten you a lot of attention. Maybe you are using that knowledge the most or maybe those guys were somewhat reserved around you not giving you the real experience that brothers do. Try to recollect some of the stuff growing up around all those guys that will help you with your dating now. A good one, I think, is that guys want relationships and get hurt like we do even though they don't show it. I think that might help so that you don't feel almost an adversary relationship with the object of your affection or fchoose the women they date primarily on looks or feel like they hold all the cards. They don't.

[Versacehottie]

I won't try and make any suggestions as to why you have met so many men yet still can't find anything meaningful with any of them. I don't know enough about you to answer that question with any certainty.

 

As to the guy you are speaking about here, he is basically suggesting NSA, FWB, no commitment dating. Take your pick which title you wanna place on it.

 

I can't speak for this guy, but if a woman turned me down only to call me up 9 months later out of the blue, I might be receptive, but I would never have a relationship with that woman. I would assume that she exhausted her options with other guys and decided to use me as a back-up plan. I am no one's back up plan.

 

Very valid point.

[TunaInTheBrine]

What do you think of this dating with no expectations?

 

Dating with no expectations is a cop-out label for people who are commitment phobic (or at least commitment phobic with you). If you're just looking to get laid, see him again, but if you know you want more then I would stop.

 

Aren't you the same girl who posted recently that she thought she was dating-downward and was above others? Are you sure you're not just feeling more lonely this week and going through the old contacts? Be careful.

[Gaeta]

That's a good idea. My friend is going and I have been. I wonder why he is letting you make the plans. Hmmmmmm. Well I wouldn't work too hard on it. That sounds a tad lazy on his part, which would be another thing to be cautious about. So who is doing the follow up phone call? My point is if you have definite plans to go out thursday and he is just letting you pick the activity that's ok but he needs to put some effort in. I would beware that this isn't some version of the previous test with the sexual innuendos. It sounds like he could be testing you to see how high you will jump. Make a suggestion and make sure he puts some decent effort in order to go on thursday otherwise just say we can get together some other time. That shows the standard that you want a guy who puts effort in. You don't go on a date in which he has not exhibited effort.

 

He is under the impression he did a faux-pas 9 months ago and that's why I did not pursue. He said it's better he let me lead at my rhythm, to begin with, so he won't accidentally offend me and I disappear. I said he risks finding himself watching a chick flick and then shop for nail polish. He said it's all good, maybe I should test it lol

 

There was a lot of flirting earlier today and double meaning suggestions and I didn't discourage it and even laughed and participated. After a while I realized I was heading down my same old path so I cancelled everything out by saying: OK enough joking!! seriously I am not free tonight but Thursday I am. He said he needed to wait tomorrow to confirm his Thursday evening was free.

 

He's texting me often I won't have to chase him down to confirm.

[IronZ]

It could mean he sees this going somewhere and doesn't want to ruin it by forcing you to sleep with him after "3-5 dates" as is the norm. He's letting you know he wants something serious.

 

OP not to be a bully here but you really should give him a chance if he's as good of a guy as you say. My one pet peeve with online dating is women like you who shut me down for no reason other than there are other options available. What ever happened to giving love a chance to grow? I say do it. Why not?

[Versacehottie]

He is under the impression he did a faux-pas 9 months ago and that's why I did not pursue. He said it's better he let me lead at my rhythm, to begin with, so he won't accidentally offend me and I disappear. I said he risks finding himself watching a chick flick and then shop for nail polish. He said it's all good, maybe I should test it lol

 

There was a lot of flirting earlier today and double meaning suggestions and I didn't discourage it and even laughed and participated. After a while I realized I was heading down my same old path so I cancelled everything out by saying: OK enough joking!! seriously I am not free tonight but Thursday I am. He said he needed to wait tomorrow to confirm his Thursday evening was free.

 

He's texting me often I won't have to chase him down to confirm.

 

Well ok, I'm not sure that you've got what I'm meaning about suggestive and and double meaning innuendos down. Keep an eye on it. You might have indicated that you are ok with it which kinda insinuates you are ok with rest of it, which means it's ok for him to view you as an object or not a serious contender.

 

Absolutely let him get back to you about his thursday evening. If he does not contact you or tries to put it off as still undetermined or put you on another day, do not agree. This is the standard of teaching him your time is valuable and he cannot have you waiting on a string. It doesn't even matter if his excuse is legit or seems legit. Give him the undetermined, we should do something another time then. And see if he follows through. He is testing your desperation and if he can have you at his beck and call.

 

i forgot who said it above but when someone gets in touch out of the blue it does send a mixed message. Inherently there's a little desperation in the contact alone and what it represents. So you want to be really clear that you are not desperate. You have other options. I would say if he doesn't let you know by midday tomorrow, make other plans. I don't care if it's to do your nails. They are not to be broken plans. He doesn't need to know what they are. You are teaching yourself that your time is valuable and you don't bend in hopes of a potential relationship with someone who is not showing your their best and respectful of your time. Just sweetly say like you are confused, oh when I hadn't heard from you I figured we weren't on for tomorrow so I have other plans. We can do something another night. Full stop---let him fill in the blanks. Do not be confused by his words about not wanting to mess up or letting you lead blah blah. Look at his actions. Keeping you on a string. Caution! Also even if he is texting you tomorrow. Let him bring up the date on thursday. It should be important enough to be on his mind and he should be respectful enough to lock it in. You are teaching him how to treat you. Another caution! For someone who said he wants to go slow or date without expectations, he is not seeming to take it slow nor are you with being accessible. Cut back access since all he is offering you right now is no expectations. Then you are not always available--even by text. It will get you too invested. Think low investment. He is amusing. Same as when work colleagues send you dumb or funny jokes. How nice, I'm glad I'm on that person's mind, ok back to what I was doing.

 

And for everyone who thinks this guy is no good. He may be no good. It probably isn't the first nor will it be the last no good person in her life. As long as she can manage herself and it is not getting to the point of where she is wasting time, this can be valuable. There is almost no other way to learn it with ingrained patterns. This isn't about having an outcome with him. It's about learning about herself. If there is a good outcome with him, it will just be a happy accident. Hopefully, OP can stay on a good path--true to herself.

[beach]

There are people with all kinds of dysfunctions in this world, more dysfunctions than the alphabet can hold, then people with mental illness like chronic depression, Asperger, anxiety, addiction and these people are in loving relationships no matter their baggage dysfunctions and illnesses. And I am suppose to accept I am not in a relationship because I am what? too sexual? too flexible? Too what? What ever my dysfunction is it should not keep me from finding someone.

 

I agree! You should find someone :-)

 

Keep in mind that this guy may not be long term material since he attempted to objectify you after just a few dates.

 

 

He's telling you what he's after - it's best to believe him.

[Phoe]

Lets not get derailed by the 150 men over 3,5 years. At first I would book myself up to 3-4 dates a week, sometimes 2 different dates in same day. I was new to this online dating and I was all over the place and met about anything that moved. It's not like it was 150 well thought out meetings. I have refined my technique since and narrowed those I choose to meet. I also got a couple of short relationship 3 to 6 months out of it. There is a few idiots out there that at least considered me worthy of their prime time.

 

I know you don't want it to seem relevant, but 150 men in such a short time frame IS relevant!

 

I've dated less than 10 men in my entire life, yet started relationships with half of them.

 

It has always been VERY rare that I date, but when I do, it often ended up being someone that I have a good connection with and compatibility with.

 

You and I are on the exact opposite sides of the spectrum. And that's relevant for the both of us when thinking about our dating lives. I struggled throughout a good portion of my time on this forum, and you've struggled too. But in opposite ways.

 

Perhaps it's all a coincidence. Perhaps it's not. Perhaps you'll never even know! One day, everything will work out for you, but you'll never know why you had such a tough time getting there... I still have no answers for my past. Oh well!

 

IMO... be wary with this guy. I'm not getting a very good vibe from this scenario.

[MissBee]

Most of you are familiar with my dating history. In the past 3,5 years I met probably close to 150 men and nothing really serious has materialized so far. I hear often something must be wrong with me for meeting that many men and I'm still single, my men picker is off, I am too reserved, not enough, I heard it all. Among those 150 men many I did not wish to pursue for valid reasons but a few I am sure I've dismissed too fast for silly reasons mostly because I am a big multi-dater and I had too many options at the time.

 

So I gave some thoughts to it all and I did something I've never did before. I contacted someone I had gone on 1 date with about 9 months ago. Someone I felt I had a good connection with but for the reasons above I've declined his 2nd date invite. I guess deep down I knew I was over-looking a good guy because I've always kept his phone number.

 

About a month ago I've messaged him something light and casual. He was surprised to hear from me and very receptive. We called and he told me he never understood why I shut him down back then because after all we had a really good first date, before I say anything he added he was open to seeing me again.

 

So 9 months later we had our 2nd date last night. It was pretty cool and everything was on me of course.

 

He told me during dinner he knows already he wants to see me again and again but he wants to date with no expectations and no time frame. Lets just have fun and it'll be what it'll be. When he said <fun> he was not referring to sex. He specified he has no time-frame for that either what ever I wish.

 

What do you think of this dating with no expectations?

 

What do you think of it?

 

Your thoughts are the only thoughts that matter here.

 

For me: I'm not into it. Why? I'm looking for something serious at this point in my life. I'm dating to find someone I can build a future with. Therefore someone who wants no expectations, no time frame, just a big giant free for all of nothing specific doesn't suit me. But that's me and where I am now. At other times in my life when I was less concerned about that something like that might have been fine. So it's up to you and what your own objective for dating is at this point.

 

If you want a boyfriend and a real relationship I think betting on Mr. No Expectations is likely a very bad idea. Lots of women get this kind of guy who is upfront from day one and go along with it and think oh he'll just wake up and be in love with me one day and start to want more and often times that never happens and they wait and wait and wait for something to materialize out of a man that was upfront about his aimlessness from jump. So you just have to be honest about what you want and if this will work for you and if you're likely to be able to communicate your needs and walk away should you find that you start wanting more and he is still talking about "no expectations."

Edited July 22, 2015 by MissBee

[Popsicle]

He's probably one of those neurotic guys who has an irrational fear of coming off as "too needy" or "desperate", so he said that.

 

Pay it no mind at this point, and just see how the next couple of weeks go and evaluate then.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with all Versace and Katie have said here.

This was something I was trying to get towards in the other thread where I was talking about being open to learning.

It's all about setting your own standards and sticking to them - going radio silent if he goes a step too far but also learning for yourself what a step too far is and the signals you give off if you choose to ignore when a guy has been disrespectful of you or equally your time.

 

If this guy goes silent on you, sounds like he won't but if he does then don't contact him to ask about Thursday - just leave it and plan something else.

 

With his disappointing-ness you have told him once not to go there so if he starts that up again and you feel disappointed then don't respond. He will soon learn his test fell flat.

 

I don't get 'offended' either and I feel exactly as you do - disappointed. When it happens though I tell a guy once not to go there, if he does it again I cut all contact for good.

 

As others have said I don't think this guy is a good prospect but he is good practice.

[Eternal Sunshine]

There are people with all kinds of dysfunctions in this world, more dysfunctions than the alphabet can hold, then people with mental illness like chronic depression, Asperger, anxiety, addiction and these people are in loving relationships no matter their baggage dysfunctions and illnesses. And I am suppose to accept I am not in a relationship because I am what? too sexual? too flexible? Too what? What ever my dysfunction is it should not keep me from finding someone.

 

Absolutely!!! There are people that are literally in and out of mental institutions and on heavy medication that are always in relationships.

 

I worked with this woman that ended up getting fired for stealing large amounts of company money and was also a compulsive liar. She was in a LTR whole time I have known her and has also been married twice (2 guys actually committed enough to propose!).

 

I don't buy "too many issues" or "too dysfunctional" at all.

[readynow]

So you need to wait until Thursday to let you know if he'll be free on Thursday? So what are you supposed to be doing on Thursday? Waiting to hear from him? Waiting for him to summon you to his side? He should be giving good notice of when he wants to take you out. So this is what 'no expectations' feels like.

 

Girl, what are you doing? I know you feel it's no big deal having dated 150 men but it so is! If I were to date that many, there'll be no men left in Chelsea! By now, you may look hot but you will also be oozing desperation. He's probably picked up on it since you contacted him after 9 months 'she obviously has no alternatives... Yeah, I'll take her'.

 

Forget the past and how long you were single for. That's gone now. Be picky in the right way. Know what kind of man you're looking for and stop pity-dating men with hopes that they'll stay with you and save you from loneliness.

 

There are great men out there but no one wants to be with someone who is desperate enough to take anyone.

[h0000]

Girl, what are you doing? I know you feel it's no big deal having dated 150 men but it so is! If I were to date that many, there'll be no men left in Chelsea! By now, you may look hot but you will also be oozing desperation. He's probably picked up on it since you contacted him after 9 months 'she obviously has no alternatives... Yeah, I'll take her'.

 

Forget the past and how long you were single for. That's gone now. Be picky in the right way. Know what kind of man you're looking for and stop pity-dating men with hopes that they'll stay with you and save you from loneliness.

 

.

 

I think many people have told her that she needs to slow down, or even completely stop. and be more picky. but I don't think she agrees to these. and she doesnt think 150 men and nothing out from them is relevant.

[Gaeta]

So you need to wait until Thursday to let you know if he'll be free on Thursday?

No, he will let me know today if he's free Thursday. He is involved in sports as are his 3 kids so I guess he just wants to check today if he's needed in a field somewhere. Just extrapolating here.

 

 

Girl, what are you doing? I know you feel it's no big deal having dated 150 men but it so is! If I were to date that many, there'll be no men left in Chelsea! By now, you may look hot but you will also be oozing desperation. He's probably picked up on it since you contacted him after 9 months 'she obviously has no alternatives... Yeah, I'll take her'.

I have all the alternatives of the world. When men meet me they know I have options.

[Gaeta]

I need to bring some nuances here.

 

I am not desperate to be in a relationship. If I were I would be in one already, probably with the first dude that gave me attention among those 150 dates. I don't want to be in a relationship with just 'anyone', that's why I am alone. I want to be in a relationship with a man I connect with, someone I am curious and excited about. And to meet that man I need to kiss a lot of frogs.

 

In those 150 many were totally into me, some even offered exclusivity over first coffee, I got men delivering flowers to my office after 1-2 dates, I got men wanting me to meet their mother after 2 dates. If I wanted a relationship at all cost I would be with one of them. What I want at all cost is to find someone to connect with. Big difference.

[katiegrl]

I need to bring some nuances here.

 

I am not desperate to be in a relationship. If I were I would be in one already, probably with the first dude that gave me attention among those 150 dates. I don't want to be in a relationship with just 'anyone', that's why I am alone. I want to be in a relationship with a man I connect with, someone I am curious and excited about. And to meet that man I need to kiss a lot of frogs.

 

***In those 150 many were totally into me, some even offered exclusivity over first coffee, I got men delivering flowers to my office after 1-2 dates, I got men wanting me to meet their mother after 2 dates. If I wanted a relationship at all cost I would be with one of them. What I want at all cost is to find someone to connect with. Big difference.

 

^^ This sort of contradicts what you have stated previously..... that you want a relationship but men don't stick around long enough to develop one.

 

But if what you wrote above (last paragraph) is really truly how you feel, then fabulous! That is a very very healthy attitude!

[Gaeta]

^^ This sort of contradicts what you have stated previously..... that you want a relationship but men don't stick around long enough to develop one.

 

But if what you wrote above (last paragraph) is really truly how you feel, then fabulous! That is a very very healthy attitude!

 

 

 

Of course I want a relationship but those I felt I connected with, I was curious about them and felt excited about them, didn't stick around.

 

I would never be in a relationship with someone I feel luckywarm about just for the sake of being with someone.

[katiegrl]

Of course I want a relationship but those I felt I connected with, I was curious about them and felt excited about them, didn't stick around.

 

 

 

 

***I would never be in a relationship with someone I feel luckywarm about just for the sake of being with someone****.

 

I hear ya Gaeta....I got that. Which again is fab, and a very healthy attitude!

[Gaeta]

I hear ya Gaeta....I got that. Which again is fab, and a very healthy attitude!

 

I am just SO surprised it would even cross your mind I'd accept a relationship of convenience lol