He offered dating with no expectations?

[katiegrl]

The sad part about all this is that Gaeta is probably flattered by his comment....and interprets it as meaning he considers her so desirable, he just can't wait to place his lips on hers.....blah blah.

 

 

Not realizing it is not flattering at all.....but insulting and any man who felt she was worthy of someone worth having a RL with would NOT be making these sort of comments....

 

 

JMO

[CarrieT]

I thought he was asking me out. His first message was Can I kiss those lips again tonight?

This means that you nine months ago, you kissed him on a first date - right?

 

So you shouldn't complain about the idea that he may not be a gentleman (with no sexual contact whatsoever) when, by the same token, you were not a lady, right?

 

Double-edged sword here, Gaeta. You have already laid the expectation of who you are (were) with that first date. Now that doesn't mean it has to go the same way. Go out with him and get to know him.

 

Talk! Stop this texting thing and reading so much into each dribble of communication.

[katiegrl]

The sad part about all this is that Gaeta is probably flattered by his comment....and interprets it as meaning he considers her so desirable, he just can't wait to place his lips on hers.....blah blah.

 

 

Not realizing it is not flattering at all.....but insulting and any man who felt she was worthy of someone worth having a RL with would NOT be making these sort of comments....

 

 

JMO

 

Gaeta, another poster (male) posted something in your other thread re your being addicted to male attention.

 

 

You agreed and said you would think about that --- please please think about it some more.

[Gaeta]

This means that you nine months ago, you kissed him on a first date - right?

 

So you shouldn't complain about the idea that he may not be a gentleman (with no sexual contact whatsoever) when, by the same token, you were not a lady, right?

 

Double-edged sword here, Gaeta. You have already laid the expectation of who you are (were) with that first date. Now that doesn't mean it has to go the same way. Go out with him and get to know him.

 

Talk! Stop this texting thing and reading so much into each dribble of communication.

 

We kissed at the end of our 2nd date last night. Innocent lip kissing, that doesn't make me a whore.

 

Then I am not offended by his suggestion to kiss me again tonight, I am disappointed at the following suggestions - kissing - touching - and so on.

[CarrieT]

We kissed at the end of our 2nd date last night. Innocent lip kissing, that doesn't make me a whore.

I misunderstood - I thought you had only dated him once, nine months ago. So I apologize for that.

 

And I didn't use the term "whore" and didn't mean to imply it. I mis-read and thought you had one date that involved kissing, not two.

[Versacehottie]

Gaeta, another poster (male) posted something in your other thread re your being addicted to male attention.

 

 

You agreed and said you would think about that --- please please think about it some more.

 

I agree there is something going on with that. Every guy has sexual thoughts; why do guys continually step out of line with the OP though? I think something comes up in the first conversations/date that puts emphasis (from her end) on sex and/or a desperation. The fact that most of them come from online dating makes it a little tougher but still with over 150 dates, some of those guys actually are looking for a relationship. And even of those ones that may have started out looking for something more casual, could have ended up intrigued.

 

I think someone like this guy who is pushing the boundaries is perfect practice at least for a week so Gaeta can get used to re-focusing their attention back to relationship type stuff and setting her standards. If she can't do it or practice it, these problems will just keep following her around. Doesn't mean she likes the guy, she is exploring. He's treating her today like a plaything-well so can she. She needs to get clear on standards and taking guys (and herself) back to go. He's good practice. Good luck Gaeta.

[Gaeta]

Exactly. He is testing you. There is some vibe that he got from you where it said to him that you are open to this stuff (sexual vibe, desperation or he could just be a jerk who tries no matter what vibe you were giving off--not to mention sometimes simply getting in touch as you did will cause this reaction in guys who misread it or trying to exploit it). I think you will learn far more from trying to set and enforce YOUR standards with him than just to write him off and try to find the next guy who is "perfect". You can always write this guy off in the future, near or far, on whatever basis you see fit.

 

I do see a similar pattern that keeps coming up on all your dates. The push and assuming you are open for sex, relatively early in the relationship. That's a common theme. So why? I go back to the bend-y standards (in general) and a desperate feeling. I know a lot of these guys are from online so that could be something that is just uniform not specific to you. Use your standards. You have nothing to lose and only something to gain.

 

Tell him you're not available tonight. Laugh at his suggested itinerary of the kissing blah blah and just repeat back to him that you thought he wanted to take things slow and you agree that's best. Keep it light and fun. He will disappear if he only wanted to use you (doubt that or he wouldn't be back after 9 months). He will become intrigued if you bounce his own stuff back on him and make him chase as if you are a worthy woman. You don't have to say yes to his less than offer. He might even say ok then what do you have in mind? Then think of most public event or a dinner or something and suggest that. Do that and only that -- totally having fun and a little kissing. He will respect and be more interested in you if you use your standards and boundaries. That is how you show someone you are worthwhile. If you are totally offended by what he said then write him off but I think you could and should learn from this. He may not be the right guy eventually but you will learn more by putting newfound strategies in place than constantly searching for a perfect person when you already know some of the things that he going to be perfect practice on.

 

You have been a life saver these past days! Thank you so much!

 

I will do exactly as you are suggesting. I will use this to practice sticking to my standards and stop not taking seriously my own boundaries. They can bend for me just once.

 

I told him I had stuff to take care of tonight and counter offered Thursday. By then I will have set up a very public date.

[fireflywy]

Maybe he said that because he saw you as flighty last time, he likes you, and he doesn't want you to feel pressured?

[katiegrl]

We kissed at the end of our 2nd date last night. Innocent lip kissing, that doesn't make me a whore.

 

Then I am not offended by his suggestion to kiss me again tonight, I am disappointed at the following suggestions - kissing - touching - and so on.[/QUOTE]

 

 

------------------------------------

 

As well you should be! That would be the correct reaction...

[Versacehottie]

thank you. I know some of what i'm suggesting is unconventional and in trying to help you not all of it's been easy to hear. I don't want to give you false hope. If you've lived for a long time with these patterns and if for example this guy starts to behave better it will be hard to keep to your standards. I really think though that's what you need to practice. And try not to get off track. No one man, not even a perfect one, will fill what you need. The best way to work on this stuff, i think, is to exercise it not move onto the next.

 

You're going to use your own good judgement which is part of the exercise if and when you need to move on to the next. Plus he hasn't qualified to get you exclusive anyway, so keep dating others. As people have suggested, this guy could just be a jerk or a user. So? You still have consistent problems following you around where seemingly normal people turn into users or disappear or whatever. That means you have something you need to work on. I don't think it's a waste of time (you could give it one more date or 5 who knows), this is about you. As really is most of dating. It also isn't game playing. He's trying to overly push his agenda on you and you are not going to bend your standards (the exact thing that will get you a relationship) in order to bask in his attention or for a crumb of a relationship.

 

Keep checking in with yourself to make sure that you've got yourself in line not over the top or off track and he's in line. This is what you need to do with whoever whether or not the person is a jerk or a user. If you use your standards for real, you will see him for what he is and/or he will disappear. If he does disappear, you are not going to see it as a failure or a time suck. Just that you guys were not a match or looking for different things. Your exercise is to get and use standards and PACE yourself appropriately. Do not think past any date that has not been scheduled. So Thursday is nothing to get excited or pin your hopes on. he's just a guy in your rotation and when you go out with him you are seeing if he meets your standards. That's why they have to be firmly in place. Not bend-y.

[Versacehottie]

They can bend for me just once.

 

I told him I had stuff to take care of tonight and counter offered Thursday. By then I will have set up a very public date.

 

Not just once. Standards are a measure of respect that you need and require. So they would be always. Not just to advance the relationship or when you feel like it's going well enough. And you don't set the date. Sure have places in mind if he calls to ask for a date. And definitely I would nip any suggestive talk he has in bud by calling him out on it. Otherwise, he will think you are up for it and it was disrespectful of him to suggest that, especially without at length discussing where he would take you for a DATE. He is implying sex or close to sex, you need to have him refocus on you in total. If he chooses to walk, that's fine with you because that is not the part you are emphasizing. Basically he is on thin ice with that comment but if you're going to still be interested you don't act annoyed by it you re-direct. If you're annoyed, you avoid contact. If you're offended, you're no longer interested. Those are standards.

[katiegrl]

Not just once. Standards are a measure of respect that you need and require. So they would be always. Not just to advance the relationship or when you feel like it's going well enough. And you don't set the date. Sure have places in mind if he calls to ask for a date.

 

 

And definitely I would nip any suggestive talk he has in bud by calling him out on it. Otherwise, he will think you are up for it and it was disrespectful of him to suggest that, especially without at length discussing where he would take you for a DATE. He is implying sex or close to sex, you need to have him refocus on you in total. If he chooses to walk, that's fine with you because that is not the part you are emphasizing. Basically he is on thin ice with that comment but if you're going to still be interested you don't act annoyed by it you re-direct. If you're annoyed, you avoid contact. If you're offended, you're no longer interested. Those are standards.

 

 

What has always worked for me (and gotten my point across beautifully) is whenever a guy made a sexually suggestive comment, or behaved in ways that I felt were disrespectful, inconsiderate, etc.....I just WOULD NOT respond.

 

In the beginning, not my current, by my two previous boyfriends attempted to push the limits with me by emailing/texting me sexual stuff (naked photos), sexually suggestive email, etc.

 

Instead of "calling them out" I just would not respond, period. Totally ignored those emails/texts. Never even mentioned them.

 

On the other hand, when they started knocking that shyt off (which they did), and sent me emails/texts and behaved in ways that showed respect, consideration and regard for me (as a woman AND a human being), I DID respond, immediately and enthusiastically!

 

They got the message LOUD and CLEAR, that I was NOT the type of woman who allowed herself to be treated any way other than with total respect and regard.

 

And from then on, they treated me with respect, caring and consideration. Never had to say ONE WORD to them about it....my ACTIONS said it all...

Edited July 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Here's the thing, I don't ever feel offended at sex jokes or innuendos. They leave me completely indifferent. When I hear them too early I feel disappointment because I know it means he's not into getting to know me but I don't experience offense from it.

 

I am not sure why I am indifferent to it, and this as far as I can remember I have been indifferent to it. Maybe it's from growing up in a men's world (farm) than so many years on military bases.

[beach]

You have been a life saver these past days! Thank you so much!

 

I will do exactly as you are suggesting. I will use this to practice sticking to my standards and stop not taking seriously my own boundaries. They can bend for me just once.

 

I told him I had stuff to take care of tonight and counter offered Thursday. By then I will have set up a very public date.

 

How do you plan to get him to take you out on a real date? Did he offer that to you for Thursday?

 

Just wondering how you plan to make that happen?

[katiegrl]

Here's the thing, I don't ever feel offended at sex jokes or innuendos. They leave me completely indifferent. When I hear them too early I feel disappointment because I know it means he's not into getting to know me but I don't experience offense from it.

 

I am not sure why I am indifferent to it, and this as far as I can remember I have been indifferent to it. Maybe it's from growing up in a men's world (farm) than so many years on military bases.

 

For me, it's not so much I take offense, I just don't appreciate it and it turns me off....I also think it's disrespectful, but it takes a lot to actually offend me, so I don't get offended, just turned off.

 

So I ignore and just don't respond which sends them the message I DON'T appreciate it and if they want to continue seeing me, they need to knock the sexually suggestive stuff OFF.... (until of course we become sexual, and after which they can send me all the sexually suggestive stuff they want (and vice versa....lol )

 

I am only talking about the very very early stages, like within the first few dates.

 

Anyway, that has what has always worked for me....and gotten the message across.

 

And Gaeta, I understand what you mean, I grew up in a house with five brothers (and have heard it ALL and then some), BUT I still think it's disrespectful for a man to send that type of stuff so early on....BEFORE he gets to know me and knows how I will respond to it.

 

JMO

Edited July 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

How do you plan to get him to take you out on a real date? Did he offer that to you for Thursday?

 

Just wondering how you plan to make that happen?

 

He told me at restaurant last night, and again today, that I am in charge and he prefers to let me lead. What ever I wish he'll follow so Thursday I wish to go to Just for Laugh festival downtown.

[katiegrl]

I won't try and make any suggestions as to why you have met so many men yet still can't find anything meaningful with any of them. I don't know enough about you to answer that question with any certainty.

 

As to the guy you are speaking about here, he is basically suggesting NSA, FWB, no commitment dating. Take your pick which title you wanna place on it.

 

I can't speak for this guy, but if a woman turned me down only to call me up 9 months later out of the blue, I might be receptive, but I would never have a relationship with that woman. I would assume that she exhausted her options with other guys and decided to use me as a back-up plan. I am no one's back up plan.

 

 

Which is exactly how I feel too when I hear from a guy I dated many months prior who decides to contact me out of the blue many months later.

 

He bored, going through his "black book" and checking to see who will bite...

 

I have had that happen and usually just ignore.

 

But with a guy, when an old flame contacts him months later... I could see how he might assume he could get some easy NSA sex.

 

I think you should just next him now....but that's just me. But then again, I would not have contacted him in the first place.

 

On the other hand....maybe you should check it out... you have nothing going on either, and it would be good practice to follow Versacehottie's advice, which is ALWAYS right on!

Edited July 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[h0000]

I won't try and make any suggestions as to why you have met so many men yet still can't find anything meaningful with any of them. I don't know enough about you to answer that question with any certainty.

 

As to the guy you are speaking about here, he is basically suggesting NSA, FWB, no commitment dating. Take your pick which title you wanna place on it.

 

I can't speak for this guy, but if a woman turned me down only to call me up 9 months later out of the blue, I might be receptive, but I would never have a relationship with that woman. I would assume that she exhausted her options with other guys and decided to use me as a back-up plan. I am no one's back up plan.

 

Makes a lot sense.

 

But meeting 150 men ?! well..maybe you need to be more selective, or less desperate?

 

Why dont you take a break?

Edited July 21, 2015 by h0000

[Gaeta]

Lets not get derailed by the 150 men over 3,5 years. At first I would book myself up to 3-4 dates a week, sometimes 2 different dates in same day. I was new to this online dating and I was all over the place and met about anything that moved. It's not like it was 150 well thought out meetings. I have refined my technique since and narrowed those I choose to meet. I also got a couple of short relationship 3 to 6 months out of it. There is a few idiots out there that at least considered me worthy of their prime time.

[h0000]

Lets not get derailed by the 150 men over 3,5 years. At first I would book myself up to 3-4 dates a week, sometimes 2 different dates in same day. I was new to this online dating and I was all over the place and met about anything that moved. It's not like it was 150 well thought out meetings. I have refined my technique since and narrowed those I choose to meet. I also got a couple of short relationship 3 to 6 months out of it. There is a few idiots out there that at least considered me worthy of their prime time.

 

Have you never stopped dating for 3-5 years?

 

You still can take a break. Im not sure how many men you are seeing right now but sounds like none of them is solid long term material? So why not just stop seeing them altogether (intsead of trying to re-ignite an old flame, or looking for your next new flame) and maybe stay away from online dating for a while

[Versacehottie]

What has always worked for me (and gotten my point across beautifully) is whenever a guy made a sexually suggestive comment, or behaved in ways that I felt were disrespectful, inconsiderate, etc.....I just WOULD NOT respond.

 

In the beginning, not my current, by my two previous boyfriends attempted to push the limits with me by emailing/texting me sexual stuff (naked photos), sexually suggestive email, etc.

 

Instead of "calling them out" I just would not respond, period. Totally ignored those emails/texts. Never even mentioned them.

 

On the other hand, when they started knocking that shyt off (which they did), and sent me emails/texts and behaved in ways that showed respect, consideration and regard for me (as a woman AND a human being), I DID respond, immediately and enthusiastically!

 

They got the message LOUD and CLEAR, that I was NOT the type of woman who allowed herself to be treated any way other than with total respect and regard.

 

And from then on, they treated me with respect, caring and consideration. Never had to say ONE WORD to them about it....my ACTIONS said it all...

 

yes, i agree. let me clarify that I meant in the joking way I had suggested or ignore it within a conversation works well too. Gaeta should push her agenda in terms of getting respect and letting the guy entertain her in what she thinks is respectful dating (not a relationship--she hasn't decided if he's worthy of one). Not a serious calling out conversation. He's amusing with his little stuff and silly, that's how you should take it and respond if you do.

 

I'm glad you put your examples because that has been my experience as well. They are always more into you in all ways when you do not cave and respond to out of line sex stuff by giving in. They know they are making the waters muddy with confusing stuff like that and showing that they don't really care if you view THEM as dating material. Therein lies the disrespect. If they think you are too easy or too desperate that you entertain this b*llsh*t seriously then they don't like you. It's not about the sex. It's about stepping out of line. And you correct with your actions. The words of what i suggested are same as actions in that "I'm totally blowing that off with a joke, because you are obviously joking". He might try to persist to see how fast he can get you to change your mind in a conversation. That's when you hold firm. Change subject or say you're in the middle of something and you'll get back to him about upcoming date or whatever.

[Gaeta]

Have you never stopped dating for 3-5 years?

 

You still can take a break. Im not sure how many men you are seeing right now but sounds like none of them is solid long term material? So why not just stop seeing them altogether and maybe stay away from online dating for a while

 

I deleted my profile a month ago and I take breaks often sometimes for weeks and even months.

 

Last man (dated 1 month) is kind of fading away so he's a no go.

 

This man here is new from yesterday so no clue what he's about

 

A man approached me at my local park a week ago, I said I would call him when I come back from vacations but I don't really feel like it.

[katiegrl]

yes, i agree. let me clarify that I meant in the joking way I had suggested or ignore it within a conversation works well too. Gaeta should push her agenda in terms of getting respect and letting the guy entertain her in what she thinks is respectful dating (not a relationship--she hasn't decided if he's worthy of one). Not a serious calling out conversation. He's amusing with his little stuff and silly, that's how you should take it and respond if you do.

 

I'm glad you put your examples because that has been my experience as well. They are always more into you in all ways when you do not cave and respond to out of line sex stuff by giving in. They know they are making the waters muddy with confusing stuff like that and showing that they don't really care if you view THEM as dating material. Therein lies the disrespect. If they think you are too easy or too desperate that you entertain this b*llsh*t seriously then they don't like you. It's not about the sex. It's about stepping out of line. And you correct with your actions. The words of what i suggested are same as actions in that "I'm totally blowing that off with a joke, because you are obviously joking". He might try to persist to see how fast he can get you to change your mind in a conversation. That's when you hold firm. Change subject or say you're in the middle of something and you'll get back to him about upcoming date or whatever.

 

 

Exactly, what's that saying? You teach people how to treat you.....via your ACTIONS.

 

That expression can never be said enough....it's just so true.

[h0000]

Weeks or few months is not really a break is it...

[Gaeta]

Weeks or few months is not really a break is it...

 

What do you call a break? lol

Before I started this dating 3,5 years ago I spent 8 years single and not looking. I think that's a darn good break lol.

 

Also I am 49, pushing 50 soon (thanks Katie) and I feel one morning I will get up and I won't qualify as cute anymore.