I am so lost and alone

[autumnnight]

I am glad you are still working. Just keep working on yourself, being humble, and being honest.

 

And remember: God's forgiveness is instant. man's forgiveness is a process, and that is okay. He will go back and forth, have good days and bad days, and it isn't a straight line. The most loving thing you can do is be very very patient with him.

[BetheButterfly]

And remember: God's forgiveness is instant. man's forgiveness is a process, and that is okay. He will go back and forth, have good days and bad days, and it isn't a straight line. The most loving thing you can do is be very very patient with him.

 

That is so true!

 

Star Lights, I hope you are ok. Hugs

[Guilty Good Girl]

The healthy part of you recognizes the wrong in hurting someone we care about. The selfish part of you, is trying to maintain who or what you think you are. Hope that makes sense but one thing you must remember is going through these lessons in order to change, will benefit you in the long run.

 

 

I understand you feel guilty (guilty good girl here but you must know that you want this experience. Do you know why you need this type of connection?

 

Knowing that may help you figure out why you did it.

 

TGGG

[understand50]

Star,

 

How is it going?

[ShatteredLady]

So much has already been said here. I just wanted to add my life experience for a little perspective...

 

I know several men (my husbands best man for example) who were total dogs in their 20's. It's like a switch was flicked as they got around 30 & they became (& are) fantastic husbands & fathers. I've heard the line "She pushed her way into my heart. I wasn't looking for love, quite the opposite but she persevered & found her way in & I'm a better man for it." Said by a friend coming up on his 20th anniversary!!

 

I'd trust a man who had one night stands & friends with benefits, open loose relationships etc over a man who's had loads of different 'soul mates' & dumped them when his new soul mate came along any day!Doesn't it take a MAN to say "I'm not ready for a committed relationship so I'm not going to mess women around."? Why is everyone so mean to this guy because he doesn't have loads of ex serious girlfriends?

[Star lights]

Sorry for the late response, I was unable to access the internet for a while.

 

Thank you for the advice, I appreciate everyone's comments.

 

So far we have had mainly ups but our few downs have actually been great for us.

 

He has put some rules down which is understandable, however some of these rules were irrelivent to the situation so I began to get a little frustrated, I held this in thinking that I deserved it, however one day I 'lost it' and in a non aggressive way I blurted out everything that I haven't been happy with for months, this was met with a hostile response which was completely understandable but once he realised just how deep these issues were he knew that this wasn't just about the cheating. We had our first real conversation that day and it felt amazing. He mentioned things he wasn't happy with and i did the same and we spoke, really spoke! We've both been making changes and plan to spend some quality time together without any outside influences soon, maybe go on holiday.

 

I feel like I can actually tell himwhen something he is doing is bothering me, I couldn't before.

 

He has told me he thinks that we are getting on great considering it's only been a month which was do comforting to hear.

 

I know the road is long and we will have many more bumps but apart of me feels that although I deeply regret this situation and find it hard to forgive myself, I also would never have been able to speak so openly with him as I have. It feels as though we are both being more real now.

 

It's hard to explain because I would take this back if I could and I would try to find another way to make him realise that love between partners isn't unconditional and it does have to be earned.

 

I can say it now because I feel like we are in a better place but looking at it, he did take me for granted and was never open to extending himself into my life, he feared getting to close to someone I think and that made him a bit mean. I was a push over because I like to please people, that was my fault because I allowed it, he didn't know me to be any different. I think he ihas accepted this slightly easier because he knows that there was no way he could have ever found out. That's not me saying I'm great at covering my tracks or anything but no one knew accept for one girl that doesn't know him, there was no way he would have ever have known yet I still chose to tell him. It wasn't about off loading my guilt either, I could have lived with the guilt if I didn't care about him but because I do I needed him to be able to choose himselff so I think he realises that yes I have done an awful thing but I have also owned it and would have rather lost him then let him live a lie. He values the truth and understands that honesty is something I believe in so he knows that if I were to ever wrong him again, he would know about it through me ( I would never do that again though, it makes me sick to think that I did something like that)

 

I don't fully understand why I did this, maybe it was jealousy, maybe panic and fear of commitment, maybe I had no reasons...maybe I was just curious. Either way I am going to therapy to make sure that if these feelings come up again I know how to handle them in a way that will not lower my moral code.

 

Who knows how the next 2 or 3 months will turn out but I'm hopeful and trust myself so Here's hoping

 

[understand50]

Star,

 

Looks like things are going well, with some bumps along the way to keep things interesting. This is a far cry from your first posts.

 

Negotiate with the the rules, but remember he is trying to re-establish trust, so apporch it from his side. I think once you have a track record, he will relent to some extent. I know I did, but it took time. Glad you are talking, but do not state, yourself, that the cheating was a good thing it got us talking. It may have, but there were other ways. Don't forget your medical check ups, and keep doing what you are doing.

 

Star, on forgiving yourself. Remember what you did was bad, but you do not have to be defined by it. Keep in mind that you are capable of this behavior, so watch yourself if you fall into bad habits again. Forgive yourself by doing what is right now for him and yourself. Do not beat yourself up to the extent it stops you from moving forward.

 

As Always, I wish you luck

[Cephalopod]

I really do see your point on the whole player thing, but he hasn't cheated on me and gone with other girls. I understand that he was probably not a great person before but he has been great with me.

 

Why? Because he slept with other women before you? Why does that make him a bad person?

 

We had our problems in the beginning, he just wanted sex and I wanted a relationship.

 

Yeah. So? That includes him in with about 95% of all young men his age. It doesn't make him a bad person.

 

It took him 4 months to take me on a date but he came good in the end and I was the one to destroy us.

 

Yep. You broke him, trained him to be just what you wanted him to be, made him your soft landing pad; then once that was accomplished you decided to go have fun with other men.

 

 

He became such a great partner but I think I hadn't got the whole 'being young' out of my system.

 

Bull*****. You got drunk and slept with those guys because you wanted to. Own what you did and quit making excuses.

 

Before I came away I told him how I felt and he asked me to not cheat on him and I did...

 

So does that make you the bad person?

 

I have to face the consequences, but thank you for putting another view on the situation, hopefully that will keep me sane for the next few months.

 

Are there any men out there though that aren't into sleeping around? I wonder

 

Well, apparently your boyfriend was one. While you were on your trip at least.

 

 

I'm not trying to bash you. But you really need to stop minimizing what you did. Because as long as you keep making excuses you will never own your responsibility for what you did and you will never learn from it.

[Cephalopod]

So in other words he's a playa' that likes to bang chicks who are just looking for some thrills and he either hasn't wanted or hasn't been able to have a legitimate relationship before.

 

And now that you've gone out and had some fun and thrills of your own, he hates you and he sees you as just another one of the "tramps" that he has made a lifestyle out of banging.

 

Yeah that sounds like a really good guy and really healthy relationship to run back to and try to save.

 

 

So what if he was a player? So what? He had those ONS before he met the OP.

 

Nowhere has she said he cheated on her. Why does his prior sexual escapades have any bearing on her cheating? She is the one in the wrong here...not her boyfriend.

[Cephalopod]

Sorry for the late response, I was unable to access the internet for a while.

 

Thank you for the advice, I appreciate everyone's comments.

 

So far we have had mainly ups but our few downs have actually been great for us.

 

He has put some rules down which is understandable, however some of these rules were irrelivent to the situation so I began to get a little frustrated, I held this in thinking that I deserved it, however one day I 'lost it' and in a non aggressive way I blurted out everything that I haven't been happy with for months, this was met with a hostile response which was completely understandable but once he realised just how deep these issues were he knew that this wasn't just about the cheating. We had our first real conversation that day and it felt amazing. He mentioned things he wasn't happy with and i did the same and we spoke, really spoke! We've both been making changes and plan to spend some quality time together without any outside influences soon, maybe go on holiday.

 

I feel like I can actually tell himwhen something he is doing is bothering me, I couldn't before.

 

He has told me he thinks that we are getting on great considering it's only been a month which was do comforting to hear.

 

I know the road is long and we will have many more bumps but apart of me feels that although I deeply regret this situation and find it hard to forgive myself, I also would never have been able to speak so openly with him as I have. It feels as though we are both being more real now.

 

It's hard to explain because I would take this back if I could and I would try to find another way to make him realise that love between partners isn't unconditional and it does have to be earned.

 

I can say it now because I feel like we are in a better place but looking at it, he did take me for granted and was never open to extending himself into my life, he feared getting to close to someone I think and that made him a bit mean. I was a push over because I like to please people, that was my fault because I allowed it, he didn't know me to be any different. I think he ihas accepted this slightly easier because he knows that there was no way he could have ever found out. That's not me saying I'm great at covering my tracks or anything but no one knew accept for one girl that doesn't know him, there was no way he would have ever have known yet I still chose to tell him. It wasn't about off loading my guilt either, I could have lived with the guilt if I didn't care about him but because I do I needed him to be able to choose himselff so I think he realises that yes I have done an awful thing but I have also owned it and would have rather lost him then let him live a lie. He values the truth and understands that honesty is something I believe in so he knows that if I were to ever wrong him again, he would know about it through me ( I would never do that again though, it makes me sick to think that I did something like that)

 

I don't fully understand why I did this, maybe it was jealousy, maybe panic and fear of commitment, maybe I had no reasons...maybe I was just curious. Either way I am going to therapy to make sure that if these feelings come up again I know how to handle them in a way that will not lower my moral code.

 

Who knows how the next 2 or 3 months will turn out but I'm hopeful and trust myself so Here's hoping

 

 

So....in a nutshell, it's his fault you cheated?

 

You hold yourself to a lower standard than you do him.

[drifter777]

My bet is that you'll cheat again. After all, it worked out just fine this time and screwing other guys is fun. All the best...

[understand50]

So what if he was a player? So what? He had those ONS before he met the OP.

 

Nowhere has she said he cheated on her. Why does his prior sexual escapades have any bearing on her cheating? She is the one in the wrong here...not her boyfriend.

 

I'm not trying to bash you. But you really need to stop minimizing what you did. Because as long as you keep making excuses you will never own your responsibility for what you did and you will never learn from it.

 

My bet is that you'll cheat again. After all, it worked out just fine this time and screwing other guys is fun. All the best...

 

So....in a nutshell, it's his fault you cheated?

 

You hold yourself to a lower standard than you do him.

 

Star,

 

I do not agree with the above comments, but the best comeback to them is to live the life that you know you want, and be faithful to your partner/ husband and yourself. You know where you been, and where you are going, so not let your past mistake define you or keep you down. In the end, it is your life and both your relationship.

 

Be the strong faithful woman you know you can be.

[Cephalopod]

Star,

 

I do not agree with the above comments, but the best comeback to them is to live the life that you know you want, and be faithful to your partner/ husband and yourself. You know where you been, and where you are going, so not let your past mistake define you or keep you down. In the end, it is your life and both your relationship.

 

Be the strong faithful woman you know you can be.

 

I never told her to let her mistakes define her. I suggested she learn from her mistakes and never make them again. There is a difference.

 

I also told her to accept responsibility for her choices, instead of blaming them on her boyfriend. Where he dipped his wick, and how many times, before she met him, is none of her business.

[understand50]

I never told her to let her mistakes define her. I suggested she learn from her mistakes and never make them again. There is a difference.

 

I also told her to accept responsibility for her choices, instead of blaming them on her boyfriend. Where he dipped his wick, and how many times, before she met him, is none of her business.

 

We will just have to agree to disagree. In the end is for Star lights to decide what to take, or not, from this thread.

 

In my opinion, she taken ownership and remorse for what she has done. From her first post trying to decide to tell him all, to wondering if she will have the 2nd chance, she stated she did not deserve, when she confessed all. What sometimes, we discount and do not acknowledge, for WS's, is the courage and guts they show when they do the right thing. It would have been much easier to just keep this to herself and never confess to her B/F. The pain and terror, at knowing just how badly she hurt the man she loves, and how badly she let herself down to the very core of her soul, shows in her posts. Yes, she is a cheater, yes she is going to have to live what she did, but if we accept that good people can do bad things, we have to believe that they can change, and lead a better life going forward.

 

The man she loves, has decided to try and reconcile with her. I am hoping to hear how it works out, and hopes she keeps posting. Reconciliation is a 2 way street. Both will have to work at it. I think she is up for the challenges that are a head for her. As for her B/F, he seems, from what Star has told us, a decent compassionate guy. I hope he can heal and forgive. Only time will tell how this works out for both of them. Myself, if they have the long lifetime marriage, will never know what the end of the story is for them, but I hope for the best.

Edited August 15, 2015 by understand50

[Star lights]

Understand50 thank you so much for the comments, I always appreciate your advice. We shall see what the future has in store for us but so far so good. At least we have aired the problems and will start to work from here, you are right though nothing good came from what I did and I should have handled it better.

 

I hope forgiving myself will come in time but for now I will just keep trying to do better and be a better person.

 

Cephalopod , I mean this in the nicest way and sorry if any of this comes across as rude but please read my thread properly and you will understand my situation. Telling me that I'm blaming my boyfriend is not correct, I take responsibility for my actions. Also discussing his past as if that was the only problem is in-correct, no one was saying he was a bad person but maybe that he didn't have the highest morals, that's all anyone meant.

 

Made him my soft landing pad...do you actually think I could be bothered to be that calculated? I think that is saying more about your way of thinking than mine, I don't think like that at all and when I started dating him it was because I wanted something that was real and would last, not because I wanted a landing pad to go to after my escapades. Had I have known before I got into this relationship that I would cheat I would never have been with him, I would never intentionally hurt him I just lost my way. The only way I could find myself again was to own up to what I did and accept the consequences, there was no game plan, no motive, no expectation...just honesty.

 

As for my comment about wanting to be young being bull**** and telling me to own what I did...well that's the point I'm making ...saying I wanted to be a certain way is owning what I did...people cheat for a reason and that was mine ! People always say to 'stop making excuses' like they want to hear that you have no soul and actually don't care about what you've done, come on now be smart...we all make choices for a reason, that doesn't make it an excuse. That was my reason but it doesn't excuse my behaviour.

 

I appreciate the advice but if you read through my journey properly you would know I don't blame my boyfriend in the slightest but yes I can say that he isn't perfect and I can say that he didnt exactly make me feel special, I have a right to feel that way but no it doesn't mean he forced me to cheat on him, that was my doing and I did it all on my own.

 

I've owned up to my mistakes already and I don't need to keep doing so. I know I was wrong but I chose to be honest and true which is more than many would do and I am proud of myself for that so I won't allow people to say that I'm blaming someone for my actions, no one is blaming anyone and people make mistakes.

Funnily enough everyone is capable of this...even you. So try not to be to judgemental, we are all human.

 

As for wanting me to learn from my mistakes, I'd like to thank you. It takes certain people to care about others in that way. having people that don't know me try and teach me more about life is a beautiful thing. I may not agree with your statements but I really appreciate them and I hope my response doesn't come across as ungrateful because I do appreciate the advice.

 

Drifter777 your comments always make me giggle, there is no changing your mind on this, no matter what I say.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Star lights

[Star lights]

 

live the life that you know you want, and be faithful to your partner/ husband and yourself. You know where you been, and where you are going, so not let your past mistake define you or keep you down. In the end, it is your life and both your relationship.

 

Be the strong faithful woman you know you can be.

 

That is very powerful. Thank you.

[understand50]

Star,

 

Things working out for you?

[Star lights]

Hi understand 50,

 

Thank you for asking, my partner and I are still doing very well. We discuss our feelings more and express our feelings so much better now.

 

However I am suffering terribly from anxiety and worrying a lot about what the future holds, I worry that he will be unfaithful although I have always felt this way with men. I have a fear that people will grow bored of me after 5 or 10 or 15 years, I worry that children or job changes or ageing will bring about new relationship problems...I actually have an infidelity fear for every stage of life which is insane, I should be taking one day at a time. I am questioning his motives for taking me back even though I truly believe he is genuine. I am scared of there being no real depth to us, maybe his work situation hasn't helped that. I fear this infudelity has caused so many more insecurities and worry in my mind. I am trying to find a way to stay sane but the anxiety hits me and I am crippled.

 

He has been amazing and is always there when I'm anxious. He has been a rock really but still I worry it's superficial

 

I create problems, I wonder if I will always be so self destructive.

[turnera]

Are you in scheduled, consistent therapy to learn how to love yourself? That's the only thing that's going to change this.

[understand50]

Hi understand 50,

 

Thank you for asking, my partner and I are still doing very well. We discuss our feelings more and express our feelings so much better now.

 

However I am suffering terribly from anxiety and worrying a lot about what the future holds, I worry that he will be unfaithful although I have always felt this way with men. I have a fear that people will grow bored of me after 5 or 10 or 15 years, I worry that children or job changes or ageing will bring about new relationship problems...I actually have an infidelity fear for every stage of life which is insane, I should be taking one day at a time. I am questioning his motives for taking me back even though I truly believe he is genuine. I am scared of there being no real depth to us, maybe his work situation hasn't helped that. I fear this infudelity has caused so many more insecurities and worry in my mind. I am trying to find a way to stay sane but the anxiety hits me and I am crippled.

 

He has been amazing and is always there when I'm anxious. He has been a rock really but still I worry it's superficial

 

I create problems, I wonder if I will always be so self destructive.

 

Are you in scheduled, consistent therapy to learn how to love yourself? That's the only thing that's going to change this.

 

Star,

 

Turnera is right, IC should let you know what you seem to be "so self destructive" Look, life will come at you, it is to be welcomed and experienced. I think you will find once you are in it, your fears are nothing. Your man, and he is a good man, will stand beside you, and be strong for you. You do the same for him. Love can overcome all if you will let it.

 

If the worst happens, you both together can get through anything. Remember you are recovering from one of the worst things a couple can go trough. I think that you have some time to go, for this to all work out. Keep that in mind. I am sure your man will also need help from time to time. If you both can survive this, nothing else will be hard. This will take 2 to 3 years, and will pop up from time to time. Time will dull, along with good behavior, your insecurities. What is a insecurity? It is just something in your mind, in you. Remind yourself of that, when they come to claim your attention. Remember your worth as a woman, and your promise to be a good companion and lover to your man. Leave to him his actions. He has shown he loves you. Trust in that.

 

So....

 

Go to IC, find out why, or at least understand, yourself, and fight when you know you are being self destructive. You can change this mind set. Remember the terror, pain and hurt, you went trough to get back where you are. Bring that up when you feel you are slipping. I, and others here on LS, your family and friends, are pulling for you. Keep up the good work.

 

As always, I wish you luck and peace of mind.

[Star lights]

Star,

 

Your man, and he is a good man, will stand beside you, and be strong for you. You do the same for him. Love can overcome all if you will let it.

 

If the worst happens, you both together can get through anything. Remember you are recovering from one of the worst things a couple can go trough. I think that you have some time to go, for this to all work out. Keep that in mind. I am sure your man will also need help from time to time.

 

Remember your worth as a woman, and your promise to be a good companion and lover to your man. Leave to him his actions. He has shown he loves you. Trust in that.

 

So....

 

You can change this mind set. Remember the terror, pain and hurt, you went trough to get back where you are.

 

Wow, I feel so blessed to have found this site, the advice you give is amazing.

 

Thank you so much

[Star lights]

Are you in scheduled, consistent therapy to learn how to love yourself? That's the only thing that's going to change this.

 

I attend hypnotherapy sessions once a month. I was in therapy and will start again.

 

Is cognitive therapy the best that people can suggest or are there any other styles of therapy anyone can recommend?

[turnera]

Here's what I found:

Goal-directed forms of therapy are commonly used for people struggling with self-esteem issues. There are many types of therapy that identify a specific goal or outcome for treatment, including brief, solution-focused, and cognitive-behavioral therapies. Animal-assisted therapy is also helpful for people who are struggling with self-esteem, particularly as a result of physical impairment. Animals that provide unconditional love with no regard to physical appearance or limitation can help strengthen a client’s sense of self. When a person has developed a long-standing pattern of negative self-talk and criticism, it can be difficult to build self-esteem; working with a therapist can provide the much-needed experience of unconditional positive regard and respect that will help accelerate the process.

Therapy for Self Esteem, Therapist for Self Esteem Issues

[turnera]

For the treatment of this chronic, low-level depression, ordinary conventional psychotherapy works best, although treatment usually has to extend over a period of years. When I refer someone for treatment I am more interested in whether or not the therapist is a sensible and caring person, rather than which professional credentials that person has. A psychologist or social worker can be as effective—or more effective—than a psychiatrist. The success of treatment will depend on the nature of the therapeutic alliance.

 

The first task of treatment is for the patient to come to understand the particular distortions of his/her perspective. If that person thinks that in general people do not like him/her, that point of view must be recognized as a prejudice. If someone thinks that people of the opposite sex are likely to be exploitative, or unfeeling, that prejudice, too, must be recognized. Then, in those specific circumstances, the patient must learn to ask himself/herself whether this is one of those times when that feeling is justified, or whether it grows out of the prejudice. It is like looking through a colored set of classes. If the glasses are colored brown, everything tends to look brown. If something looks blue, that perception can be trusted, but when something looks brown. the wearer of the glasses has to be circumspect in deciding whether or not that object is truly brown. Someone who always suspects men of being insincere has to make a special effort to decide whether the particular man she is looking at is really that way, or whether he just seems that way. It is an argument for hesitating to make a judgment. It is an argument for doubting first impressions. We may continue to see things pessimistically, if that is our unintended practice, but we need to learn to compensate for those distortions.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201304/low-self-esteem

[turnera]

This one's about cognitive therapy for self esteem, for professionals; pretty good.

Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Low Self-Esteem