Revenge [pertaining to infidelity]

[sweet_pea]

Kids ask the darnest questions once they start school. The couple would not be lying if they told the child how they met. I chased mommy, asked her out, she accepted and we fell in love. End of story. That would not be lying.

 

Lying by omission is still lying?

[goodyblue]

Lying by omission is still lying?

 

Not to a child. Duh. Age appropriateness is fine.

[minimariah]

If he was having regular intimacy with his ex, not just sex but friendship, laughter, fun, closeness, I would not be here having conversations with you good people. /QUOTE]

 

got it.

 

i was just curious, i hope you don't mind me asking. have a colleague who was in a VERY similar situation as you & she said that her and her now H would've ended up together even if his relationship with the W was good. "it was kismet (fate)" -- she says.

 

i was just thinking about it, so that's why i asked. sometimes intimacy, laughter and closeness aren't enough because you find something a shade better, it happens.

 

Of course you wouldn't, because you wouldn't want to look like a bad person to your child. My point was, I'm glad I don't have to lie about it. If you had an affair, you'll have to be a spin doctor with the story.

 

i'm glad i don't have to lie about it either but if my relationship or a marriage had started with an A, i wouldn't lie. i don't think an A makes someone a bad person. it makes you a person with some poor boundaries and a lot of other things but a "bad person"...? nawl. no need to lie. do you lie about all the other things you've done in your life that you feel shame about to your kid?

[AnotherSadSong]

Wow! I read the backstory. I feel I need a shower. You want this much revenge against a man you invited to sleep with your wife? Do you sign contracts with cuckolding's, threesomes, and bangs?

 

 

I am somewhat prudish when it comes to those types of sexual affairs, so am curious.

 

 

Why would you sell your wife to other men for sex and I say sell, because you were obviously getting something out of it? Did you really think this is a healthy practice?

 

 

I would look into your poor decisions before making more by destroying someone with illegal activities.

[goodyblue]

If he was having regular intimacy with his ex, not just sex but friendship, laughter, fun, closeness, I would not be here having conversations with you good people. /QUOTE]

 

got it.

 

i was just curious, i hope you don't mind me asking. have a colleague who was in a VERY similar situation as you & she said that her and her now H would've ended up together even if his relationship with the W was good. "it was kismet (fate)" -- she says.

 

i was just thinking about it, so that's why i asked. sometimes intimacy, laughter and closeness aren't enough because you find something a shade better, it happens.

 

 

 

i'm glad i don't have to lie about it either but if my relationship or a marriage had started with an A, i wouldn't lie. i don't think an A makes someone a bad person. it makes you a person with some poor boundaries and a lot of other things but a "bad person"...? nawl. no need to lie. do you lie about all the other things you've done in your life that you feel shame about to your kid?

 

I do not lie to my children. If anything I give them the simplest need to know answer. If one asked me outright did I have an affair I would probably say that is private, as are many other facets of my and my he's relationship. Some things are between mommy and pops.

[World's.Edge]

We would not have chosen to involve his child. Her mother chose to try to turn her against him and she did not fall for it because she also lived with her mother and knew how she was. I certainly will not deny that she was upset with her father for the affair, and wished he had just left (we would change it if we could and learned valuable lessons) but the degree to which his ex took it with his daughter was much more damaging than the affair. Trying to get her to spy on us, driving around at night with her daughter and happening to drive by his flat trying to get a glimpse of us, pumping her for info, on and on.

 

And when the affair was in the light, we took responsibility, but there is no way in he'll you are going to put on me what her mother did to her because of the affair, which she never needed to be involved in anyway. Her mother could have stopped the pain and didn't. Yes, we were stupid. Her mother is a moron with maniacal tendencies fueled by vodka.

 

Well affairs tend to have that affect on people. I'm not defending her behaviour but it likely resulted from you and her (ex?) husband's affair.

 

I'm sure on your end it was exhilarating and fun. You and your married man had this special connection and really understood each other, but on her end it was lies, gas-lighting, blame-shifting and deception. The affects that these can have on a person, the depression, paranoia, doubt, guilt, anger just to name a few, should not be understated.

 

He probably presented himself in some sympathetic light and her the opposite. Over time, her husband's behaviour, the affair and how he treated her shaped and affected her. Then the affair comes to light and you two emerge unashamedly as a couple. The betrayal, indignation and humiliation she must have felt, not only that but also the knowledge that the entire time that she suspected and was probably being called crazy and paranoid by her husband, she was right.

 

 

My cousin did this to his wife. She was really one of the nicest people I knew. However his adultery, lies, gas-lighting, starting arguments with her for no reason, being cold and vitriolic, over the years that s*** affected her.

 

Now that his affair is known, she's gone totally ballistic. He's like 'Why can't she just talk?' 'Why does she have to be like this?' "She's being unreasonable' 'I'm taking responsibilty' 'I don't want people to think bad of me' and really, what did he expect. Their children are also caught up in this. His other woman also feels the way you do about your MM's (ex?) wife.

 

I've seen this happen to a few people, it's typical cheating husband/wife modus operandi. Affairs don't happen in neat, self-contained bubbles, their damage is far-reaching.

 

You can blame and vilify your MM's (ex?) wife, maybe it's justified, but since you say you've taken responsibilty for the affair then perhaps also accept that her behaviour isn't independent of his and your actions.

 

 

Or maybe I'm way off and she is a moron with maniacal tendencies fueled by vodka.

[Timshel]

Kids ask the darnest questions once they start school. The couple would not be lying if they told the child how they met. I chased mommy, asked her out, she accepted and we fell in love. End of story. That would not be lying.

 

I know AnotherSadSong that you have a tremendous compassion for children.

 

Kids do not need to know the story....they really don't. Where on this earth does anyone think that kids want to know the backstory of your life???

 

If they are raised in a loving and responsible home, no kids are asking 'so hey, I always thought things were weird, what happened?'

 

Drama. Whatever you bring to awareness, will be.

 

Steady as she goes and stop thinking so much about your self (not directed at you sad song) and just do homework, go to work, clean house and keep a loving and productive routine with your kids.

 

Criminy, this thread is all about adults behaving as children and there is no excuse for that.

 

Grow the f up.

 

Life threw you a curve, like you are something special. Aren't we supposed to be teaching our children how to deal with the rough spots and excel or what????

[AnotherSadSong]

I know AnotherSadSong that you have a tremendous compassion for children.

 

Kids do not need to know the story....they really don't. Where on this earth does anyone think that kids want to know the backstory of your life???

 

If they are raised in a loving and responsible home, no kids are asking 'so hey, I always thought things were weird, what happened?'

 

Drama. Whatever you bring to awareness, will be.

 

Steady as she goes and stop thinking so much about your self (not directed at you sad song) and just do homework, go to work, clean house and keep a loving and productive routine with your kids.

 

Criminy, this thread is all about adults behaving as children and there is no excuse for that.

 

Grow the f up.

 

Life threw you a curve, like you are something special. Aren't we supposed to be teaching our children how to deal with the rough spots and excel or what????

 

Love this post! I am going to copy it.

[AnotherSadSong]

I know AnotherSadSong that you have a tremendous compassion for children.

 

Kids do not need to know the story....they really don't. Where on this earth does anyone think that kids want to know the backstory of your life???

 

If they are raised in a loving and responsible home, no kids are asking 'so hey, I always thought things were weird, what happened?'

 

Drama. Whatever you bring to awareness, will be.

 

Steady as she goes and stop thinking so much about your self (not directed at you sad song) and just do homework, go to work, clean house and keep a loving and productive routine with your kids.

 

Criminy, this thread is all about adults behaving as children and there is no excuse for that.

 

Grow the f up.

 

Life threw you a curve, like you are something special. Aren't we supposed to be teaching our children how to deal with the rough spots and excel or what????

 

Reminds of the time not long ago was watching a movie and I thought it was age appropriate and it was so fast, flashed to a scene where they were naked rolling around, I slammed the screen shut so fast. I was asked what were they doing? I was shocked and did not know what to say, but blurted, kissing. The next question was it did not look like they were just kissing. Then, lets forget we saw that, okay? Of course their interest was so peaked by then but I would not continue the movie even at protest.

[goodyblue]

Well affairs tend to have that affect on people. I'm not defending her behaviour but it likely resulted from you and her (ex?) husband's affair.

 

I'm sure on your end it was exhilarating and fun. You and your married man had this special connection and really understood each other, but on her end it was lies, gas-lighting, blame-shifting and deception. The affects that these can have on a person, the depression, paranoia, doubt, guilt, anger just to name a few, should not be understated.

 

He probably presented himself in some sympathetic light and her the opposite. Over time, her husband's behaviour, the affair and how he treated her shaped and affected her. Then the affair comes to light and you two emerge unashamedly as a couple. The betrayal, indignation and humiliation she must have felt, not only that but also the knowledge that the entire time that she suspected and was probably being called crazy and paranoid by her husband, she was right.

 

 

My cousin did this to his wife. She was really one of the nicest people I knew. However his adultery, lies, gas-lighting, starting arguments with her for no reason, being cold and vitriolic, over the years that s*** affected her.

 

Now that his affair is known, she's gone totally ballistic. He's like 'Why can't she just talk?' 'Why does she have to be like this?' "She's being unreasonable' 'I'm taking responsibilty' 'I don't want people to think bad of me' and really, what did he expect. Their children are also caught up in this. His other woman also feels the way you do about your MM's (ex?) wife.

 

I've seen this happen to a few people, it's typical cheating husband/wife modus operandi. Affairs don't happen in neat, self-contained bubbles, their damage is far-reaching.

 

You can blame and vilify your MM's (ex?) wife, maybe it's justified, but since you say you've taken responsibilty for the affair then perhaps also accept that her behaviour isn't independent of his and your actions.

 

 

Or maybe I'm way off and she is a moron with maniacal tendencies fueled by vodka.

Well, maybe you are. Lol.

 

Really, he didn't paint her in an awful light but was honest in what his life was. We were friends first, I already knew. And then it was backed up by her own emails. He never gaslighted her or lied. She (unfairly by us) was blindsided when she found a second phone in his gym bag. She confronted him and he admitted everything and left that very night.

 

After that, we stayed pretty much the same (I lived across the country) and we threw nothing in her face. He got an apartment and a year later he came to my state and brought my kids and me back. We rented a house for 18 months and simply dated, learning how to be a couple in the new dynamic. Then we lived together for a few years, then m and just bought a home. If has been years and she is no different.

 

I should add that he tried to get into every kind of therapy and she adamantly refused.

 

So, I didn't do what you think I did.

[sweet_pea]

Not to a child. Duh. Age appropriateness is fine.

 

Lmao, exactly, age appropriateness is fine and you can certainly tell the truth in an age appropriate way instead of omitting some of the actual story. What happens when the child is older and finds out what actually happened and is upset with you for lying to them? I've seen that play out before and it's just unfortunate all around.

[sandylee1]

i'm glad i don't have to lie about it either but if my relationship or a marriage had started with an A, i wouldn't lie. i don't think an A makes someone a bad person. it makes you a person with some poor boundaries and a lot of other things but a "bad person"...? nawl. no need to lie. do you lie about all the other things you've done in your life that you feel shame about to your kid?

 

 

True..........A bad choice was made by them. Although some would argue a bad choice can make you a bad person. I believe if a person regretted it and felt guilt and had empathy for the BS, then people are more likely to accept they made a bad choice. Especially if it was just one affair the person was and not a serial cheater or was always the AP.

[Timshel]

Reminds of the time not long ago was watching a movie and I thought it was age appropriate and it was so fast, flashed to a scene where they were naked rolling around, I slammed the screen shut so fast. I was asked what were they doing? I was shocked and did not know what to say, but blurted, kissing. The next question was it did not look like they were just kissing. Then, lets forget we saw that, okay? Of course their interest was so peaked by then but I would not continue the movie even at protest.

 

I just always found parenting so natural. My kids are so sweet, no internet and for the love of heaven, no drama.

 

I don't know what to say. Chores, showers, teeth. The most important thing for me has always been hugs and kisses. My Ex calls every night to say goodnight. If I am away, I call.

 

There is an ego that has to be given away. This isn't about you or me. These impressionable kids need to feel: 1: Safe. 2: unconditional love.

 

Being hurt can never translate to the kids. Idk how to say this well enough.

[xxoo]

Steady as she goes and stop thinking so much about your self (not directed at you sad song) and just do homework, go to work, clean house and keep a loving and productive routine with your kids.

 

Criminy, this thread is all about adults behaving as children and there is no excuse for that.

 

I agree, Timshel, but then there would be no affairs

[World's.Edge]

Well, maybe you are. Lol.

.

.

.

So, I didn't do what you think I did.

 

You couldn't just let me have this one could you, would it really have been so difficult?

 

When someone puts a lot of time and effort into making wild claims and assumptions about your life and character, you kind of just go with it. That's what decent people in polite society do.

 

Oh well, I'll just copy-and-paste my post in someone's thread in The Other Man / Woman section, I'm sure it'll hold up in one of them.

 

My sincerest apologies.. #Sorry#MyBad

[minimariah]

Some things are between mommy and pops.

 

i agree, i was more reffering to other posters who think As are something that needs to be lied about, hidden, not talked about... like, why?

 

why shouldn't you tell your kid about an A (not YOU, but i'm talking in general). it becomes this heavy taboo topic instead of folks breaking it down and openly discussing it.

 

What happens when the child is older and finds out what actually happened and is upset with you for lying to them?

 

depends on how and from who they found out. most importantly, depends on the parents and their ability to openly communicate. i found out about my father's A (well, i suspected) and asked him what was up with that - he talked about it openly, answered all of my questions in a way that i understood how much damage the A did... but at the same time, that it wasn't the end of the world. and with that, he helped "break down" any kind of fear of being dumped or cheated on.

 

my friend's father had presented his own A to his daughter as the worst evil EVER, it had resulted in her not being able to pick herself up after the same thing had happened in her own marriage.

 

you use the A as a way to make your child stronger and make your child ADAPT to the world and to all of the things that might happen.

 

it's all about the parents and how parents present the A to the child & the child will follow.

[Susmay]

...

 

I have really strong willed children who have been taught tolerance and acceptance to great length, it also extends to being open and well traveled by the time that scoot off into the real world. Of course I know my children best. They would calculate the situation, work out the problem, and carry on to their own personal and unique successes.

 

 

They are caring and loving almost to a fault for everyone. They see bullying or a situation that is inhumane, they would put a stop to it, set of a campaign, and make a solution so all parties involved would come out in a winning situation.

 

 

I have actually been pulled into the office for a discussion of them doing this and how truly wonderful it is. This may not be the norm, but that is who they are.

 

 

It sounds like you have wonderful kids.

 

 

I'm not sure if you've realised that when MM has an A, he is almost invariably abusing (specifically psychological and emotional abuse) his BW. It sounds like you kids are capable if working this out even if you're not. I just wondered if they ever said anything to you about your participating in this abuse of another woman? It sounds like they are the sort of kids that would say something if they knew.

[xxoo]

i agree, i was more reffering to other posters who think As are something that needs to be lied about, hidden, not talked about... like, why?

 

why shouldn't you tell your kid about an A (not YOU, but i'm talking in general). it becomes this heavy taboo topic instead of folks breaking it down and openly discussing it.

 

Exactly.

 

I think we all mostly agree that affairs are bad and the wrong way to go about dealing with marital problems. Still, we have a steady supply of single women willingly entering into affairs with married men, and mostly getting hurt (along with the BS).

 

IMO, affairs should be talked about more, not less. Young adults could learn a lot and maybe enter adulthood with more wisdom and better relationship skills if they are invited to talk about infidelity in a caring way.

 

The problem may be that people who have affairs often do so because they lack the courage to have the difficult, honest conversations in the first place, so it may be asking too much to expect them to have this sort of conversation with their growing kids.

[goodyblue]

You couldn't just let me have this one could you, would it really have been so difficult?

 

When someone puts a lot of time and effort into making wild claims and assumptions about your life and character, you kind of just go with it. That's what decent people in polite society do.

 

Oh well, I'll just copy-and-paste my post in someone's thread in The Other Man / Woman section, I'm sure it'll hold up in one of them.

 

My sincerest apologies.. #Sorry#MyBad

 

The first line was just a joke.I respect your right to your opinion but what you stated was not me. I do know that it happens the way you stated in some cases but certainly not all.

 

I am m to my guy and our affair was years ago. It was a one time thing for both of us and we have moved on.

 

I am sorry about your family drama and hope things get better. The best thing your... was it sister in law? Can do disease him and find someone who loves her fully.

[sweet_pea]

i agree, i was more reffering to other posters who think As are something that needs to be lied about, hidden, not talked about... like, why?

 

why shouldn't you tell your kid about an A (not YOU, but i'm talking in general). it becomes this heavy taboo topic instead of folks breaking it down and openly discussing it.

 

 

 

depends on how and from who they found out. most importantly, depends on the parents and their ability to openly communicate. i found out about my father's A (well, i suspected) and asked him what was up with that - he talked about it openly, answered all of my questions in a way that i understood how much damage the A did... but at the same time, that it wasn't the end of the world. and with that, he helped "break down" any kind of fear of being dumped or cheated on.

 

my friend's father had presented his own A to his daughter as the worst evil EVER, it had resulted in her not being able to pick herself up after the same thing had happened in her own marriage.

 

you use the A as a way to make your child stronger and make your child ADAPT to the world and to all of the things that might happen.

 

it's all about the parents and how parents present the A to the child & the child will follow.

 

Exactly, I agree. But I see folks who advocate for lying about it and minimizing it rather than being honest, appropriate and discussing it in a more or less beneficial way. That's what I take issue with. It just shows that they didn't really learn anything from the affair and are just bringing the traits from the affair into other areas of their life.

[goodyblue]

Exactly, I agree. But I see folks who advocate for lying about it and minimizing it rather than being honest, appropriate and discussing it in a more or less beneficial way. That's what I take issue with. It just shows that they didn't really learn anything from the affair and are just bringing the traits from the affair into other areas of their life.

 

I think when it comes to confessing an affair, it is a personal decision that only the parties involved can make. I will say honestly that if my h's ex didn't know life would he easier for her.

[velvette]

i'm curious -- how did your H's BS & children handle the divorce & the A (if discovered)? you don't have to answer if you don't want to, i'm just curious.

 

?

 

 

Our A was not discovered and my H did not tell his ex he was having an A at my insistence. When he decided he was leaving he simply told her he didn't love her and wanted a D.

 

 

As well as I remember from 30 years ago, they spent a few days discussing and then sat their children down and told them. The oldest child begged them to try to work it out, the next oldest child told his brother he was nuts they couldn't work it out. So I assume there had been tension in the home for awhile.

 

 

There was some acting out in the first few months by two of the children which they dealt with together. One of the children went through a stage of blaming his mother. My H set him straight. Some more bumps when they met me about a year and a half later. Some more bumps when his ex remarried not long after that.

 

 

The kids are happy well adjusted successful adults with their own apparently healthy happy marriages/relationships. For the most part with a few occasional glitches all 4 adults acted in the best interest of the kids.

 

 

I would never say their parents D didn't affect them, because I'm sure at some level it did but I cant really point to any negative effect I am aware of.

[sweet_pea]

I think when it comes to confessing an affair, it is a personal decision that only the parties involved can make. I will say honestly that if my h's ex didn't know life would he easier for her.

 

Ok but saying "this is a personal matter that I don't want to tell you about/I choose not to discuss this with you" is different than saying "this happened" when it didn't actually happen that way aka lying.

[goodyblue]

Ok but saying "this is a personal matter that I don't want to tell you about/I choose not to discuss this with you" is different than saying "this happened" when it didn't actually happen that way aka lying.

 

Yes, you are absolutely right. When the a did come to light, he could have lied, said I was a friend. I am glad he didn't because he hated lying but it still would have made her life easier and ours too.

[World's.Edge]

The first line was just a joke.

 

Yeah I got that:D. My reply was my (apparently poor) attempt at humour, except for the apology part. That part I meant:).