Revenge [pertaining to infidelity]

[AnotherSadSong]

Maybe I've been in a healthy marriage too long, but I wouldn't ever in a million years assume he'd get a mistress. Kids are watching. What are they learning?

 

Communicate. Confront. Divorce with a plan that puts the kids' well being first. THis is maturity.

 

 

I completely agree. If you are going to make the big decision to step outside the marriage, stop dead in those tracks, and make big decisions of I will leave the marriage or I will stay in and keep my pants zipped. And absolutely no hookers either.

[AnotherSadSong]

Of course, if women would stop getting with married men, that would put a damper on cheating.

Of course it would. Then the men would actually have to make the big decision of staying the marriage or divorcing. It will never happen. It would great if it did. I agree.

 

 

I made my mistake and learned from it. You asked this question. I will never fall for my marriage is dead, over, we only have communications that are business, wish I had never married.

 

 

Once a fool never twice, but if a man ever said this to me again, I would tell him great, get a divorce, and check back with me later if I am available to even consider your proposal.

[goodyblue]

Ah so you have no responsibility for the pain she felt when her mother informed her about the affair that YOU and your H had.

 

We would not have chosen to involve his child. Her mother chose to try to turn her against him and she did not fall for it because she also lived with her mother and knew how she was. I certainly will not deny that she was upset with her father for the affair, and wished he had just left (we would change it if we could and learned valuable lessons) but the degree to which his ex took it with his daughter was much more damaging than the affair. Trying to get her to spy on us, driving around at night with her daughter and happening to drive by his flat trying to get a glimpse of us, pumping her for info, on and on.

 

And when the affair was in the light, we took responsibility, but there is no way in he'll you are going to put on me what her mother did to her because of the affair, which she never needed to be involved in anyway. Her mother could have stopped the pain and didn't. Yes, we were stupid. Her mother is a moron with maniacal tendencies fueled by vodka.

[sandylee1]

he will no longer speak to the woman he is divorcing and separated from, unless it is in front of me, and is extremely factual regarding financial, children, and settlement.

 

 

.

 

This sounds rather controlling. Many divorced couples are still friendly you know. Limiting conversations to being in front of you shows an element of insecuritym

[velvette]

We would not have chosen to involve his child. Her mother chose to try to turn her against him and she did not fall for it because she also lived with her mother and knew how she was. I certainly will not deny that she was upset with her father for the affair, and wished he had just left (we would change it if we could and learned valuable lessons) but the degree to which his ex took it with his daughter was much more damaging than the affair. Trying to get her to spy on us, driving around at night with her daughter and happening to drive by his flat trying to get a glimpse of us, pumping her for info, on and on.

 

And when the affair was in the light, we took responsibility, but there is no way in he'll you are going to put on me what her mother did to her because of the affair, which she never needed to be involved in anyway. Her mother could have stopped the pain and didn't. Yes, we were stupid. Her mother is a moron with maniacal tendencies fueled by vodka.

 

 

I'm not trying to put anything on you. I just think your thought process is interesting.

 

 

From what you said about how your H took responsibility, i.e. discussing his and his exW sex life/intimacy with his daughter, seems he got his revenge. That is just yuck. I cant imagine my H having those or any other kind of demeaning conversations about their mother with his kids no matter what she said about him.

[minimariah]

Entering an A where children exist is far more likely to result in pain to children than revenge or drama between adults.

 

i'm curious -- how did your H's BS & children handle the divorce & the A (if discovered)? you don't have to answer if you don't want to, i'm just curious.

 

The point is that it is far healthier if the marriage ends for a child to navigate only the fallout from a divorce...

 

here is the thing -- children RARELY discover an A on their own. they usually find out from the BS or the WS, a family member or someone else who heard about it and wants to gossip. when the BS does the huge exposure to EVERYONE, she is hurting only HERSELF with an addition of her own family. why? because she is airing out all the dirty laundry to those who, at the end of the day, really don't give a f&ck.

 

folks talk about the OW's kid being attacked and teased but the BS's kid isn't doing any better - they TOO are teased. the OW's kid is teased about the "whore if a mother" & the BS's kid is teased about the "parent who couldn't keep it in his or hers pants & the other doormat one who stays through everything". children are cruel and by airing out your business, you're giving them an extra ammo to attack and mock.

 

i understand, i think we all do... the exposure of an A to the friends and families. but to others, who aren't in any way close or relevant to the BS and her family...? it WILL backfire.

 

also... if the OW's child gets hurt due to the BS's exposure, the BS is ALSO the one to blame. if the OW gets killed due to the BS's exposure -- the BS is ALSO the one to blame. if you want to hide your hands after throwing a bunch of rocks and act innocent for the bullying and damage of the little kid... saying "the OW should've know better" -- then it does not make any sense for you to blame the OW for your own failed marriage because "your H should've know better".

 

children shouldn't know about the A, unless they are adults who are able to comprehend the situation. what goes on in your bedroom really isn't any of their concerns and they don't care, at the end of the day.

 

you'll have those folks teaching their kids that the A is wrong but their own relationship and marriage started as an A and got a happy ending -- what do you think, if the opportunity for an A presents itself... which way will those kids go?

[regret143]

I started this topic and could not keep up with it!

 

Anyway, my revenge ideas are:

hack into he's email and Facebook and tell everyone everything about his affair, his drug use, his ED.... etc... and then change his passwords so he can't take it down.

 

Or a harsher one, is to use similar sources to destroy his credit and if possible, his professional license.

 

Or both.

[sandylee1]

Agreed. And the b.s. should be mature enough to realize that if you don't have an intimate relationship with your husband he will find a mistress to fulfill his needs. And she may become his girlfriend. Or as is my case, his new wife, who actually likes who he is and wants intimacy, closeness, sex with him.

 

So when the bs informs the children about ws indiscretion, WS may turn around and explain why he stepped out. The affair was the choice of the WS and is on him, but in his eyes, there was a big lead up to it and he may choose to divulge that to explain his actions. Not excuse them, but explain.

 

 

I'd say be a man and have the ba*** to divorce instead of cheating. It's the morally correct option and the one that doesn't involve sneaking around which really is immature. Part of growing up is being able to have open relationships and not hiding from your parents to meet your BF/GF. Now at 20 years upwards you back to sneaking around.

[autumnnight]

I started this topic and could not keep up with it!

 

Anyway, my revenge ideas are:

hack into he's email and Facebook and tell everyone everything about his affair, his drug use, his ED.... etc... and then change his passwords so he can't take it down.

 

Or a harsher one, is to use similar sources to destroy his credit and if possible, his professional license.

 

Or both.

 

Might wanna check the law on this

[minimariah]

Agreed. And the b.s. should be mature enough to realize that if you don't have an intimate relationship with your husband he will find a mistress to fulfill his needs.

 

just a quick question -- if his xW was having some good, frequent sex & inimate relationship with your H... do you think you two would've fell in love regardless?

 

i'm asking because i remember you writing that you knew your H for many years, so i assume there was some kind og attraction and affection there from the beginning... no?

[sandylee1]

As for Goody, I think even she says she wished her M hadn't started as an A. I think you will be hard pressed to find people who agree with you that an A is an appropriate way to end a marriage unless its people who are involved in A.

 

When one of my daughters was about 8 or 9 we were chatting and , she asked me where and how I met her dad and what we used to do on dates.....yeah sometimes she thinks we're ancient. I'm glad I didn't have to tell her he was married and we had to sneak around in case his wife found out or tell a lie because I was ashamed of what I did.

[regret143]

Might wanna check the law on this

 

The law is not on my side. But i have other means of fireproofing myself.

[AnotherSadSong]

This sounds rather controlling. Many divorced couples are still friendly you know. Limiting conversations to being in front of you shows an element of insecuritym

 

I was being facetious in how utterly far you have to go in order to avoid ending up in a bad situation.

 

 

It was written as end it, put a hammer on it, or you will never get a chance with me.

 

 

Men like to play a little game with back and forth.

[AnotherSadSong]

When one of my daughters was about 8 or 9 we were chatting and , she asked me where and how I met her dad and what we used to do on dates.....yeah sometimes she thinks we're ancient. I'm glad I didn't have to tell her he was married and we had to sneak around in case his wife found out or tell a lie because I was ashamed of what I did.

 

Glad most if in love and MARRIED would not subject their children to such nonsense. They could in fact explain their dates and love for one another in a suitable fashion. They are together.

 

 

Same as if a kid asked if you ever had sex outside marriage, FWBs, or ONS. Are you going to go into specific detail?

[World's.Edge]

They think it is a one way street. Most BS's are totally happy to get OW fired, but don't get their own spouse fired. I am telling you if someone messed with my livelihood and ability to feed and clothe my children I would probably retaliate. But really, not against her but the MM. I would make sure he suffered all the revenge I was being made to suffer at the hands of his wife and if it affected his wife,l, so be it. Bs's sometimes think the MM should be handled differently from OW because they can't stand the thought of her husband actively seeking out someone else to sleep with. They convince themselves that OW chased and was conniving, and is batsh*t. Not usually the case.

 

WS deserves everything AP gets. The end.

 

I wouldn't generalize. Some betrayed spouses (male and female) do expose their adulterous spouses to friends, family and their workplace.

 

There are reasons to pursue termination for their spouse and/or the other man/woman and reasons not to.

 

Whether one chooses to reconcile or divorce, it's usually not in the betrayed's interest to have their adulterous spouse fired, even if they'd like to. The lives of the betrayed and their spouse are connected and there are usually several considerations such as alimony, child support, a mortgage, bills, etc. Additionally, the betrayed might seek to have their MM or MW fired for several reasons, like so that they can't afford a good lawyer or even just purely for revenge.

 

The betrayed spouse handles the adulterous spouse (MM or MW) differently to the other woman/man because of their relationship, history and life together to the MM/MW.. not because they can't stand the thought of their husband actively seeking out someone else to sleep with, maybe some but not all.

[AnotherSadSong]

I started this topic and could not keep up with it!

 

Anyway, my revenge ideas are:

hack into he's email and Facebook and tell everyone everything about his affair, his drug use, his ED.... etc... and then change his passwords so he can't take it down.

 

Or a harsher one, is to use similar sources to destroy his credit and if possible, his professional license.

 

Or both.

 

Many would agree here he deserves it. You may get in trouble but that is up to you. You could also hack his account in an ISIS account and he could be publicly shamed and go to prison.

[World's.Edge]

I started this topic and could not keep up with it!

 

Anyway, my revenge ideas are:

hack into he's email and Facebook and tell everyone everything about his affair, his drug use, his ED.... etc... and then change his passwords so he can't take it down.

 

Or a harsher one, is to use similar sources to destroy his credit and if possible, his professional license.

 

Or both.

 

This thread has evolved beyond you.

[sandylee1]

I started this topic and could not keep up with it!

 

Anyway, my revenge ideas are:

hack into he's email and Facebook and tell everyone everything about his affair, his drug use, his ED.... etc... and then change his passwords so he can't take it down.

 

Or a harsher one, is to use similar sources to destroy his credit and if possible, his professional license.

 

Or both.

 

Hacking is illegal , so be very careful.

 

I'd also be careful about mentioning the ED. Do you know that for a fact ? Or did your wife tell you? He could turn around and say "even with my ED , I still had your wife " That would just be hurtful .

 

Who would be interested in his drug use and can you prove it?

 

If I recall correctly you guys had threesomes. Are you prepared to have all that exposed?

 

You have to make sure nothing can come back on you.

 

You also said this guy has a bit of cash.......he could damage you more with his money.

[autumnnight]

Glad most if in love and MARRIED would not subject their children to such nonsense. They could in fact explain their dates and love for one another in a suitable fashion. They are together.

 

 

Same as if a kid asked if you ever had sex outside marriage, FWBs, or ONS. Are you going to go into specific detail?

 

Agree. I know people who got married because the woman got pregnant. Would they really tell their oldest "well, we got pregnant with YOU and we HAD to."

 

Nobody is going to say "You daddy and I ruined a family because we are bad people and you are the seed of bad people."

 

That's just stupid.

[goodyblue]

I'm not trying to put anything on you. I just think your thought process is interesting.

 

 

From what you said about how your H took responsibility, i.e. discussing his and his exW sex life/intimacy with his daughter, seems he got his revenge. That is just yuck. I cant imagine my H having those or any other kind of demeaning conversations about their mother with his kids no matter what she said about him.

 

Eh. He simply said there had not been any intimacy for 12 years. She is closer to 30 than 20... so not out of line given what she said about him and put her through.

 

But really, it is just a horrible position for everyone. And we caused it, I know. So does he. The good news is, nobody cares anymore and life is good.

[goodyblue]

I wouldn't generalize. Some betrayed spouses (male and female) do expose their adulterous spouses to friends, family and their workplace.

 

There are reasons to pursue termination for their spouse and/or the other man/woman and reasons not to.

 

Whether one chooses to reconcile or divorce, it's usually not in the betrayed's interest to have their adulterous spouse fired, even if they'd like to. The lives of the betrayed and their spouse are connected and there are usually several considerations such as alimony, child support, a mortgage, bills, etc. Additionally, the betrayed might seek to have their MM or MW fired for several reasons, like so that they can't afford a good lawyer or even just purely for revenge.

 

The betrayed spouse handles the adulterous spouse (MM or MW) differently to the other woman/man because of their relationship, history and life together to the MM/MW.. not because they can't stand the thought of their husband actively seeking out someone else to sleep with, maybe some but not all.

 

I think what I said is part of the reason. But like I said, if my MM's BS did that to me. I would do it to MM. If it affected her, sorry, not sorry.

Edited July 13, 2015 by goodyblue

[sandylee1]

Glad most if in love and MARRIED would not subject their children to such nonsense. They could in fact explain their dates and love for one another in a suitable fashion. They are together.

 

 

Same as if a kid asked if you ever had sex outside marriage, FWBs, or ONS. Are you going to go into specific detail?

 

 

I remember asking my parents how they met. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Explain in a suitable fashion ......by lying then.

 

If you're telling them the truth, you don't need to do it in 'a suitable fashion '. You say it like it is.

 

I am close to my kids and have no problem telling them how I met their dad and the places we used to go. I've shown them photos of when we were dating.

 

I don't discuss my sexual history with them............you've gone way of the mark with that and there's no need for it.

[sandylee1]

 

Nobody is going to say "You daddy and I ruined a family because we are bad people and you are the seed of bad people."

 

That's just stupid.

 

Of course you wouldn't, because you wouldn't want to look like a bad person to your child. My point was, I'm glad I don't have to lie about it. If you had an affair, you'll have to be a spin doctor with the story.

[goodyblue]

just a quick question -- if his xW was having some good, frequent sex & inimate relationship with your H... do you think you two would've fell in love regardless?

 

i'm asking because i remember you writing that you knew your H for many years, so i assume there was some kind og attraction and affection there from the beginning... no?

 

We have been friends for many years. Always an attraction, never acted upon. We would keep in touch, I don't think I would classify it as an emotional affair. If he was having regular intimacy with his ex, not just sex but friendship, laughter, fun, closeness, I would not be here having conversations with you good people. He was neglected, felt trapped, and I was the escape hatch. But I also think he would have not left without me supporting him in his feelings.

 

We never crossed the line, and when we did, we both knew what we were doing. I had no guilt then, I was just in love. I have guilt now, still in love.

[AnotherSadSong]

I remember asking my parents how they met. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Explain in a suitable fashion ......by lying then.

 

If you're telling them the truth, you don't need to do it in 'a suitable fashion '. You say it like it is.

 

I am close to my kids and have no problem telling them how I met their dad and the places we used to go. I've shown them photos of when we were dating.

 

I don't discuss my sexual history with them............you've gone way of the mark with that and there's no need for it.

 

Kids ask the darnest questions once they start school. The couple would not be lying if they told the child how they met. I chased mommy, asked her out, she accepted and we fell in love. End of story. That would not be lying.