Interstellar Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) My bf and I have been dating for 2 months. We have hit it off great right away, so things have moved rather quickly. I don't usually present the person I'm dating to my mom until many many months into it, but since he presented me to his whole family within the first month and they were all so nice and welcoming, I felt the pressure to reciprocate. My stepdad is super strict and doesn't let me bring anyone home to meet the family unless it's something serious, close to engagement or marriage. (I KNOW!! *rolls eyes*). My mom, however, is much cooler and was willing to meet my new bf of whom I've spoken so well. Especially since I told her he had been asking when is he meeting my mom and family, I was starting to feel like I was hiding them or something, so I really wanted him to meet my mom, and my mom heard he really wanted to meet her. So we all agreed that we'd meet her on a weekeday, during her lunch, close to work. So we did, we ordered the food... the cashier was waiting for payment... my bf wouldn't move... my mom took out her wallet... and he let her pay. And as she was paying, that's when he whispered to me, "I thought I was inviting...." Um... then why didn't he stop her? We're 30 and 31, and that made me feel like a kid, having my mom pay for me and my little boyfriend. I wasn't expecting that from him. He always treats me and is a gentleman, and on the first time meeting my mom-- first time I ever make the exception to present someone so early... and this happens. It was the first time he meets her and he let her pay. As if my embarrassment weren't enough, my mom was pretty upset afterward, she told me she got a really bad impression, that she can't believe she paid for my boyfriend, etc. I was very confused by his reaction, I honestly thought he would pay, but he did say, "I'll get it next time." It wouldn't have been so bad in a different context but 1) it was his first time meeting her, 2) he had been bugging about meeting her for a while now, and 3) I spoke wonders about him and his gentlemanly ways to my mom, so that made me feel like an idiot kid who's dating a boy my mom had to pay for. What do you guys think? I can tell you're a classy gal. Firstly, I think one month is too soon for him to be introducing you to his parents. Way too soon. And it's a lot of pressure. And he insist on meeting your mother? there's another. He should've paid for the date. Money is not the issue here. It's showing class and manners. It's chivalry. He did not make a good first impression. Edited July 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Not for a first meeting and not when it wasn't my idea and the guy was pressuring my daughter into meeting me. I wouldn't do it. Well gee you sound like a blast to have lunch with. Very laid back. This is such drama over nothing! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 It could be a nice gesture, but could also look awkwardly show-off-ish in my opinion. Maybe depends on the generation. I noticed guys at their 40s or older do this more often. Those 40 year olds are raising the next generation and would teach their sons to pay. Trust me, the teenagers are no different. Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 So, Galgal818, After all of these posts, how did you end up handling the whole thing??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author galgal818 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 So, Galgal818, After all of these posts, how did you end up handling the whole thing??? First of all, I've been enjoying reading every single one of these posts. It's amazing how different people think, I think it's what makes the human race so fascinating. That's really how I came here for, to gauge modern public opinion on the topic. How did I handle it? Well, first of all I showed my mom all the replies. She's not as open to different opinions as I am, so she was upset by some of the comments (I wasn't, not even by the derogatory ones-- I just see it as different views, and can't take it personal since you don't know who I am, and vice versa). Later she admitted that people will always have different opinions, but that it's her prerogative to feel the way she feels-- and that it doesn't matter since she's not the one dating the guy, but to please not force her to meet people she doesn't really want to meet. Lol. Second, I ended up telling my boyfriend about it. He kept thinking he angered my mom because of a comment he made about having a baby with me one day. He thinks he knows how to read people, and was convinced that angered her because of that. Not true. She did seem to feel awkward by the comment, but if it had really angered her she would've told me about it, and never once mentioned it to me. So I had to tell him what really angered her. He was surprised, and said, "OMG, I was going to pay but your mom was in front of the cashier and didn't want to be rude by jumping in front of her." Then my mom got mad at me when she found out I told him. I said, "But you told me I should've told him." THen she said sarcastically, "OH yeah, and you're sooo obedient." WHAT?! SO confused by all that. LOL. In the end she said maybe she overreacted because she doesn't know him, that it was just a first impression, and that maybe one day she'll cook something and have me invite him over to the house. This sounds like a good plot for a sitcom. LOL. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I'm wondering why the daughter didn't pay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Wow you showed her the replies? She totally thought I was right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author galgal818 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Wow you showed her the replies? She totally thought I was right. YES! I forgot to mention, she's mostly dated Eastern Europeans, so when you said that after your replies, it made sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) Well gee you sound like a blast to have lunch with. Very laid back. This is such drama over nothing! rolls eyes... Edited July 2, 2015 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Awww. All's well that ends well. Sounds like you are keeping the mom and the boyfriend. Good deal. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I have NEVER understood why women pull out their wallet to pay as a fake out, hoping someone will stop them, then losing respect for the man when he doesn't stop them. It's so overboard! Kind of reminds me of this crazy chick-behavior when they jump into a river/crash the car on purpose/bring themselves into dangerous situations just to see if the guy would save her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krieger Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Kind of reminds me of this crazy chick-behavior when they jump into a river/crash the car on purpose/bring themselves into dangerous situations just to see if the guy would save her. E-40 Captain Save A Hoe 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Wow you showed her the replies? She totally thought I was right. And me too lol Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Tell him next time he needs to bring her flowers to make up for his obvious purposeful blunder the next time he meets her.. He did it on purpose and fell on the sword of she wanted to pay, what more could I have done I'm a guy.. in my 50's and I know when a check comes to the table and when to reach for it and when to leave it there.. there are times my Father-in-law comes with us to dinner and we trade back and forth.. I know when it is his turn and leave the check as he expects it to be left.. I think your Mom is sensing the same thing I am sensing.. he LET her buy when it was clearly his impression to make.. oh well.. sometimes in life we pick answer A when the right answer was B... He can recover from this but he will have to try... I would have just expected that everyone would pay for themselves if I were the mom and esp if it was a casual lunch and not a sit down situation. However, I agree that he's the one who wanted to make a good impression so offering would have been a nice gesture. In this case, for me it's not about gender roles and dating (he's not dating the mom), but more so different forms of hospitality and social graces and etiquette that extend beyond romantic dates. For me, if I requested to meet my boyfriend's mother for lunch, I would probably offer to pick up the tab but at the least, at the cashier I would pick up my own tab. I wouldn't think my bf HAD to pay for my mom, but it would surely be a nice gesture and make a good impression if he did, but at the VERY LEAST, I would need him to pay for his own meal and not let my mother pay for his meal too unless she suggested or insisted. I don't understand going up to the cashier and not having your money ready even t pay for yourself.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IronZ Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 This story made your mother and yourself come across as really petty that you were actually "upset" about it. Let me guess, when you met his family you didn't pull a single dime out of your wallet, right? Both of you stop acting like little princesses and let go of this. If he invited you, he should have paid, but probably had a derp moment. If you invited him, you should have paid. Either way, no reason to make such a big fuss over it considering as you said, he's always gentlemanly and pays for you every time. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 (edited) This story made your mother and yourself come across as really petty that you were actually "upset" about it. Let me guess, when you met his family you didn't pull a single dime out of your wallet, right? Both of you stop acting like little princesses and let go of this. If he invited you, he should have paid, but probably had a derp moment. If you invited him, you should have paid. Either way, no reason to make such a big fuss over it considering as you said, he's always gentlemanly and pays for you every time. Little princesses? Why should the mother pay for the boyfriend's meal when she first met him? I think everyone has been acting like the same rules that apply to a date apply here, when they don't. Him paying for the OP or not is about dating and that's one thing. It's totally separate from inviting your SO's parent out for lunch when you've NEVER met them before then when it's time to pay you stand there staring into space and then they have to foot the bill. Why? It's not about if he should pay for the mom or the gf or whatever IMO, but why didn't he even attempt to pay for HIMSELF? That's the odd part to me. Unless the mom said she had it, I don't understand why at the cashier he didn't attempt to even pay for his own meal. How I understood the story was that it isn't a case of the mom wanting the bf to pay for her meal but that that she'd never met this guy before and he didn't even try to pay for his own meal so she ended up doing so. That would rub me the wrong way too. If I'm treating I'll say so or if you try to pay I'll say it's on me, but if we're meeting up for lunch with the bf of my sister, my friend or whoever, whom I've never met, and this guy just stares blindly and doesn't try to pay for his own food, it would make a bad impression. Edited July 3, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I can see why that out you in an awkward position. But if it was my parent, they would probably insist on paying and mean it, and I would probably have paid if i was in your shoes. You're wanting to introduce your boyfriend and mother which kind of makes you the host. I would have asked what they want and go up and order and pay. Your mother is being too harsh on him and I wonder if there was something else made her disapproving of him. Because this does seem an overreaction. Anyway you've been together for 2 months, take it easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IronZ Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I can see why that out you in an awkward position. But if it was my parent, they would probably insist on paying and mean it, and I would probably have paid if i was in your shoes. You're wanting to introduce your boyfriend and mother which kind of makes you the host. I would have asked what they want and go up and order and pay. Your mother is being too harsh on him and I wonder if there was something else made her disapproving of him. Because this does seem an overreaction. Anyway you've been together for 2 months, take it easy. My thoughts exactly. The controlling mother is not that into this guy and she's swaying the daughter with nonsense like this. The host should pay. OP invited the bf to meet the mother. It's on her. She's a 30 year old woman who works. There's no need to play these mind games anymore. And like I said in my earlier post, I bet OP never had to pay for anything when he introduced her to his family. Why does it matter now if he doesn't pay? Ridiculous logic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 This was a big deal for him to meet your mother and I"m sure very awkward for him. And, to tell you the truth, the first time my daughter and her boyfriend and I went to dinner together, I paid. They are near 30 years old. They are still "my kids" and I want them to be happy and I want to do nice things for them. Let it go. If you're mom was ok with it, why shouldn't you be. She wanted to do it, I bet. Don't focus on dinner tabs. Focus on how he treats you in general, how he makes you feel, etc. If he's not a skin flint usually and doesn't show you that in the future, leave it alone. This is me too. It wouldn't even occur to me that she, her bf or anyone else would pay. I just pay. The way I see it at their life stage they're a long way off earning anywhere near as much as I do and I'd much rather they spent their cash on other things. Every now and again they do ambush me though. And I enjoy that too Link to post Share on other sites
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