Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 It's ok to be wary and observe. But remember to look at the bigger picture when little things like this happen. Everything else has been "cool" up to this point? Great. If he hasn't been paying for things in the past for you, then this isn't just a blip. When the negatives start outweighing the positives is when you start to rethink things. And this is an example of carrying over issues from past relationships. You're looking for things that resemble that model and not focusing on the current relationship. You need to try to not be thinking too much about the past and observe what's going on in the present. You kinda overreacted to this situation because you were basically "triggered" by this event and feeling like you felt with the previous "money" issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author galgal818 Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 And this is an example of carrying over issues from past relationships. You're looking for things that resemble that model and not focusing on the current relationship. You need to try to not be thinking too much about the past and observe what's going on in the present. You kinda overreacted to this situation because you were basically "triggered" by this event and feeling like you felt with the previous "money" issues. Yeah, you're so right. I think that was a big part of my reaction. =/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Yeah, you're so right. I think that was a big part of my reaction. =/ Your mom is on high alert as well for the same reason. There may be other things she reacts to as well that don't necessarily set you off. Stay centered and focused for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Yeah, you're so right. I think that was a big part of my reaction. =/ And, it's OK to learn from the past, just don't project it on to current scenarios until it become clear that history is repeating itself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Thank you for sympathizing and not making me feel like a freak for feeling the way I felt. I'm really trying to understand the root of my feelings here. You're welcome Look, as much as I've bashed your BF, it's not like I think you should end it with him. He did screw up, but at least for the first two months he paid for everything. He may have had a lapse in good judgment with your mom. It was the worst time to for him to go stingy. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he started daydreaming at the worst moment and his mind accodentally went to la-la land. That's what I'd like to think anyway. Regardless, he totally botched it and needed to be the one to pay. With all that said, he is going to have to climb a real uphill battle to change your mom's opinion of him. She is totally justified in feeling the way she does about him given the first impression, and first impressions are important. I also think that her pulling her wallet out was not a ruse, it was the only tasteful move she could make. I'am Eastern European, so maybe that's what it is. I just can't process how a guy cannot pay his date's portion of a bill. It does not matter if it's date #1 or date #100. Pay her flippin' portion of the bill. What is it, like 30 or 40 bucks? And I personally don't care if the woman has this "I am independent and self sufficient and can pay my own portion of the bill" attitude. It's probably a great attitude to have, but she's still not paying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 That is what makes a woman lucky, a guy who pays for everything? Oh, boy. This is not about whether a guy should pay for everything. This is about a guy that should have paid when he met his GF's mom for the first time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 My bf and I have been dating for 2 months. We have hit it off great right away, so things have moved rather quickly. I don't usually present the person I'm dating to my mom until many many months into it, but since he presented me to his whole family within the first month and they were all so nice and welcoming, I felt the pressure to reciprocate. My stepdad is super strict and doesn't let me bring anyone home to meet the family unless it's something serious, close to engagement or marriage. (I KNOW!! *rolls eyes*). My mom, however, is much cooler and was willing to meet my new bf of whom I've spoken so well. Especially since I told her he had been asking when is he meeting my mom and family, I was starting to feel like I was hiding them or something, so I really wanted him to meet my mom, and my mom heard he really wanted to meet her. So we all agreed that we'd meet her on a weekeday, during her lunch, close to work. So we did, we ordered the food... the cashier was waiting for payment... my bf wouldn't move... my mom took out her wallet... and he let her pay. And as she was paying, that's when he whispered to me, "I thought I was inviting...." Um... then why didn't he stop her? We're 30 and 31, and that made me feel like a kid, having my mom pay for me and my little boyfriend. I wasn't expecting that from him. He always treats me and is a gentleman, and on the first time meeting my mom-- first time I ever make the exception to present someone so early... and this happens. It was the first time he meets her and he let her pay. As if my embarrassment weren't enough, my mom was pretty upset afterward, she told me she got a really bad impression, that she can't believe she paid for my boyfriend, etc. I was very confused by his reaction, I honestly thought he would pay, but he did say, "I'll get it next time." It wouldn't have been so bad in a different context but 1) it was his first time meeting her, 2) he had been bugging about meeting her for a while now, and 3) I spoke wonders about him and his gentlemanly ways to my mom, so that made me feel like an idiot kid who's dating a boy my mom had to pay for. What do you guys think? Judging from this and your other posts, your boyfriend is definitely not what *you* define a gentleman. He surely seems very considerate to your feelings, but you're wrong to place such expectations on him. He has treated you on dates after the first one, because now he knows you expect him to pay. He let your mother pay for lunch, because (I think) in his value system women should pay if they want to. He would not be alone on this since men now behave different than three decades ago. I think he will learn from this if you give him the chance. Just don't expect him to always be chivalrous and courteous, because he's not naturally that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 It's really my mom who made a bigger deal to the point of not wanting to see him again, and I thought it was a bit exaggerated... but since I felt so embarrassed about it myself, I thought I'd talk about it here and see what others think. I think it's because this whole thing wasn't your mother's idea to have lunch in the first place. It was more yours and your boyfriend's because he was anxious to meet her. While it was a mutual decision by all 3 of you to meet for lunch, I think she was doing it more to please you and not because she was anxious to do a lunch date with your boyfriend. I wouldn't be pleased either if I were in your mother's position. Just on general principal I would have been ticked off when it hadn't even been my idea in the first place to meet, yet somehow I got stuck with the bill at the end. And don't forget - your mom is from an older generation where it was very common for the man to pay. It doesn't matter that today's dating etiquette is different than it was 35 or 40 years ago when she was dating. She was raised in another era so this made your boyfriend look even more feeble to her when he sat there and let her pay the bill. I get why she's ticked. I do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 He's not obligated. It just would've been a nice thing for him to do on the first time ever meeting her, especially since he always talked about wanting to meet her. I completely agree with you. Paying is the gentlemanly thing to do. I would have been very turned off. I would have said something like no mom I'll get it and then dealt with him later. Why didn't you pay? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author galgal818 Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'am Eastern European, so maybe that's what it is. I know many Eastern Europeans. That explains a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 OP I'm curious why when you saw your mom was going to be paying you didn't jump in to pay? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 OP I'm curious why when you saw your mom was going to be paying you didn't jump in to pay? Ok guys... Please understand this. It has NOTHING to do with the 30 bucks the mom paid for lunch (I'm not picking on you SunnySide, many people have asked the same thing). The mom more than likely couldn't care less about the monetary expense. The issue is that the BF should have paid. Honestly, if galgal818 intervened to pay it would have made it worse. Plus, it's not her job to intervene. The right thing to do was to have faith in your BF to intervene and pay; it's unfortunate he didn't. He failed to be as thoughtful as you can humanly be when meeting your GF's parent for the first time. Mom does not give a rip about the cash. Her concern is that if you cannot muster up enough of a willingness to impress a parent your first time meeting then, then wtf does that say about how much of a gentlemen you have it in yourself to be are after the first meeting? I'm glad this has been settled. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Hah, so do I But I somehow never got the vibe that Eastern europeans expect the guys to pay for their dates all the time. In my opinion we are way more independent than the American/Western European women in that respect... In my country a stay-home mom for example is considered a societal failure, it took me years abroad to accept that it is just another life choice. On the point with the dinner payed by the mom: I don't see a big deal, if I were you, I'd either 1) warn the bf in advance for the traditional views in the family 2) pay the bill for the 3, and state verbally that I want to do it because I'm happy to have them meet (or something in that lines) I know many Eastern Europeans. That explains a lot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 That is what makes a woman lucky, a guy who pays for everything? Oh, boy. My husband doesn't PAY for everything. Our finances/ eating out/ entertainment/expenses are split right down the middle. He has his money I have mine, we don't have joint accounts or share credit cards. Read properly, he steps up and wants to cover the bill when it comes to our parents.....because he has manners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 So you and your guy both felt like there was a blunder. Oops! I think the thing for him to do is send a thank you note. It was mentioned to send flowers and a thank you. Flowers are nice, but, the time he takes to handwrite the note, IMHO, means more. Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Hah, so do I But I somehow never got the vibe that Eastern europeans expect the guys to pay It's not that the woman expects. The man just does. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 It sounds like he was really nervous and intimidated and maybe he was over worrying every reaction in his head. You said he is normally a "gentlemen" and always treats you, so it doesn't make any sense that this one time he wouldn't pay for your and your mom...unless he just had a totally human moment. I think your Mom should be embarassed by the way SHE is acting. 1. There are more important things a mother should be paying attention to...like does he treat her daughter well? It sounds like he does, and you have already told her that...and now she has "a bad feeling" because of the oopsie at lunch (which is totally out of character for him?) She shouldn't have pretend paid at all if she was going to act so bitter about it to you. Talk about a classless act on her behalf with that one. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 LOL, yes, that's partly it. That's why we kept it a secret from my stepdad. She'd never hear the end of it. The OP should have given him a heads up that her mom & dad are real sticklers for old school behavior. I still think given that times have changed that they can deal with the changes in modern relationships & equality. Given that the bf asked for the lunch I feel he should have offered to pay, though I don't fully buy into this 'a gentleman' must pay for his gf all the time and her parents and his parents anytime they go out. Alternatively if she knew this was going to be a big deal then she could have rescued the situation and pay for the lunch herself, since he shouts her most of the time they go out. Its a bit of a 'impress the parents' blunder by the guy, but I think its being blown up into a bigger issue than it is in the scheme of the relationship. I've heard this of situation play out a few times, and I find it strange that the $20-$80 or whatever becomes such a huge deal in defining the character of the bf despite the fact that he takes care of the daughter really well. Even times where the bf has offered to pay but the parent/others said no then paid but complained bitterly afterwards that he should have insisted stronger or should have had his $/card out first and taken the initiative. The person that pays puts on a happy face and says its no big deal yet it hurts them to pay so much that they keep on harping about it mths/yrs later. If the mother was the last to order and the bf was off to side not paying attention and she didn't want to get stuck with the bill she could have simply been upfront and smiled and said 'so whos treat is lunch today'. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 It could be a nice gesture, but could also look awkwardly show-off-ish in my opinion. Maybe depends on the generation. I noticed guys at their 40s or older do this more often. It's not that the woman expects. The man just does. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 YES. On our first date, he let me pay for my first drink. I took out my wallet thinking he'd stop me. When he didn't, I didn't care because I figured we'd keep it as only a friendly date. HE then told me, "I was going to pay for you." I thought, then why didn't you stop me. But whatever. He paid for other stuff later that evening and quickly redeemed himself. All dates after that he paid, I never played the wallet trick again. LOL Do you think this is his "test" and does he apply it to his family members and friends? Seems he kind of whiffs his first impression moments by playing this stupid game. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I honestly can't wrap my head around people expecting your bf needed to pay just because he is with you and your mom. Does that apply regardless of situation ? I mean gimme a break. In my experience, the parent would pay. "gentlemanly" doesnt have to mean opening your wallet...did he hold the door for you? does he do nice things for you in general? freakin relax!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I think it's because this whole thing wasn't your mother's idea to have lunch in the first place. It was more yours and your boyfriend's because he was anxious to meet her. While it was a mutual decision by all 3 of you to meet for lunch, I think she was doing it more to please you and not because she was anxious to do a lunch date with your boyfriend. I wouldn't be pleased either if I were in your mother's position. Just on general principal I would have been ticked off when it hadn't even been my idea in the first place to meet, yet somehow I got stuck with the bill at the end. And don't forget - your mom is from an older generation where it was very common for the man to pay. It doesn't matter that today's dating etiquette is different than it was 35 or 40 years ago when she was dating. She was raised in another era so this made your boyfriend look even more feeble to her when he sat there and let her pay the bill. I get why she's ticked. I do. Exactly. Not only that, but from what OP also stated, this seems to be a pattern of behavior with him. What this boyfriend did was to buttress OP's step dad's views to her mom on it not being good policy to meet boyfriends until it's evident that he's in it for the long haul. She's now effectively turned off by the idea of him, which is her right to be. She has every right to her feelings as anyone else does. I'm sure she and I are contemporaries and my nose would have been out of joint by these antics of his. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I honestly can't wrap my head around people expecting your bf needed to pay just because he is with you and your mom. Does that apply regardless of situation ? I mean gimme a break. In my experience, the parent would pay. "gentlemanly" doesnt have to mean opening your wallet...did he hold the door for you? does he do nice things for you in general? freakin relax!! Not for a first meeting and not when it wasn't my idea and the guy was pressuring my daughter into meeting me. I wouldn't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I'm a father...a rather stern, strict one at that and I can't even understand why you feel such a need to reconcile your love life with what your parents think. Your bf doesn't owe your parents anything monetarily...that isn't respect, that is obligation and you aren't being respectful of your bf. I'm extremely hard on my son in law and I wouldn't think anything of him allowing me to pay if I took my wallet out....... Stop pretending to be generous when you arent and stop allowing your mother to do the same thing...seems immature as crap to me. Do not take your wallet out...let them know your preferences. Geez this is mind ****s all over the place. Shaking my head in disbelief at this manipulation, G 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Do you think this is his "test" and does he apply it to his family members and friends? Seems he kind of whiffs his first impression moments by playing this stupid game.I'm confused. The only games I see are the ones being played by the girlfriend and the mom's girlfriend. Girlfriend used the wallet trick (her words) on her first drink, hoping he would stop her.Mom pulled out her wallet hoping he would stop her.What game is the boyfriend playing exactly? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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