I finally presented new bf to my mom-- and he let her pay for our lunch!!

[galgal818]

I don't even know where to begin here. Even if he was broke what is wrong with that? Can you only date rich guys?

 

It's sexy when a guy pays for it all? Sexy or money saving on your part? Pathetic attitude you have there.

 

If you mum was so shocked why did she get her wallet out in the first place? Why didn't she question your boyfriend when he didn't offer to pay?

 

You're right, this is embarrassing. Embarrassing for your boyfriend having to deal with his childish girlfriend and her childish mother.

 

I partly agree with you. My mom shouldn't have pretended to get her wallet out, but she's just used to me who do not let the woman pay. And no, I don't want to date a broke guy. Would you? Love doesn't pay the bills, honey. I learned that the hard way in my last marriage, which was based mainly on love and nothing else, and now I'm divorced. Naturally I'm more realistic now in choosing my next mate. On the other hand, I don't mind doing my part-- I stay youthful, pretty, in shape, I'm educated, the type of girl a guy likes to show off to everyone, normally a pleasure to be around. I just ask that the fellow know basic etiquette, not be rich but a good provider, and doesn't have to treat all the time, but most of the time and especially on first dates. That's all.

[cessna]

I partly agree with you. My mom shouldn't have pretended to get her wallet out, but she's just used to me who do not let the woman pay. And no, I don't want to date a broke guy. Would you? Love doesn't pay the bills, honey. I learned that the hard way in my last marriage, which was based mainly on love and nothing else, and now I'm divorced. Naturally I'm more realistic now in choosing my next mate. On the other hand, I don't mind doing my part-- I stay youthful, pretty, in shape, I'm educated, the type of girl a guy likes to show off to everyone, normally a pleasure to be around. I just ask that the fellow know basic etiquette, not be rich but a good provider, and doesn't have to treat all the time, but most of the time and especially on first dates. That's all.

 

That's all... And I assume you do all the cooking and cleaning at home, right?

[yxalitis]

Wait, this is still going?

 

OP, get over it, it's not that big a deal!~

[galgal818]

I don't even know where to begin here. Even if he was broke what is wrong with that? Can you only date rich guys?

 

It's sexy when a guy pays for it all? Sexy or money saving on your part? Pathetic attitude you have there.

 

If you mum was so shocked why did she get her wallet out in the first place? Why didn't she question your boyfriend when he didn't offer to pay?

 

You're right, this is embarrassing. Embarrassing for your boyfriend having to deal with his childish girlfriend and her childish mother.

 

If you're broke and don't want to follow basic rules, there's always a classless, unattractive, desperate gal in a heavy metal shirt willing to love you for you.

[galgal818]

Wait, this is still going?

 

OP, get over it, it's not that big a deal!~

 

No, not a biggie to me anymore. Just replying to new comments.

[galgal818]

That's all... And I assume you do all the cooking and cleaning at home, right?

 

I live alone, so I do. When I marry, the amount of work I do at home will be proportionate to the amount of hours I'm forced to work outside the home. If I land a guy who can earn for both of us, I'd be happy to stay home and keep house! If I fall for someone whose income is not enough for both, I'd be happy to go out and work, but then the housework would also have to be divided. I'm flexible and willing to accept that. NOT a broke guy who stays home to keep house while I work.

[Gaeta]

It was a big deal to her, enough to post about it, why we can't accept that? We don't get to decide what is or isn't a big deal to people.

[preraph]

Well, his parents didn't teach him anything, did they? You should have elbowed him in the ribs -- hard.

[galgal818]

Well, his parents didn't teach him anything, did they? You should have elbowed him in the ribs -- hard.

 

OH, and after my mom paid, he said, "My mom would be so disappointed if he heard this happened. I'll get it next time." LOL.

[fitnessfan365]

I stay youthful, pretty, in shape, the type of girl a guy likes to show off to everyone. I just ask that the fellow know basic etiquette, not be rich but a good provider, and doesn't have to treat all the time, but most of the time and especially on first dates. That's all.

 

1) What first date? It was your BF meeting your mom.

 

**There are many old people who are prideful and insist on paying. That's probably what your BF assumed when your mom pulled out her wallet. It came off like she was insisting.

 

2) You keep saying you make great arm candy. Staying in shape and looking your best is great. But believe it or not, there are guys who want a woman that can do more than show up and look pretty. One trait men value is loyalty. Since your BF has treated you very well, why didn't you stand up for him with your mom? Call her out on how she pulled out her wallet, and he's not a mind reader. That you don't appreciate her talking badly about him.

Edited July 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory remark

[S_A]

I read your whole story, and I read most of the responses. Did not think I would find myself disagreeing with almost an entire thread of responses.

 

The BF should have paid. He has no onligation to pay, of course, but it still looks really bad. He screwed up big time IMO. He embarrassed you and ruined your mom's first impression of him.

 

He said he thought he was inviting? He was feeding you crap. He just did not want to pay (and yes, I am aware he pays all the time when the two of you are out together). If he really wanted to pay he would have taken initiative. His mistake was not innocent, it was calculated. You'd be surprised how smooth a guy can be about going cheap.

 

Not exactly a savory sight btw; a grown man with his GF and GF's mom waiting for the mom to pull out her wallet to pay for the lunch while he is standing next to her. Frankly, even if your mom makes more moneythan him, he should have paid.

 

I also have no problem with your mom pulling out your wallet expecting him to stop her. He failed the gentlemen test in her eyes and she won't be laughing at this down the road.

 

With all that said, I genuinely feel your embarrassment on this (I know it's embarrassing on multiple levels) and am sorry you had to go through it.

[Robert]

*****Moderators Note*****

 

While typing your responses on this thread make sure that you type a response that is civil and respectful, if it isn't then expect a posting vacation, I'm already tired of deleting and editing the derogatory, disrespecful and sometimes hateful posts that have appeared in this thread to date.

 

If you can't figure out how to post helpful and not hurtful advice then please move on to something else in life.

 

Thanks

[changeofseasons]

I'd have the same reaction as you, sounds like an honest mistake, but that boy better suck up big time from now on lol

[S_A]

One trait men value is loyalty. Since your BF has treated you very well, why didn't you stand up for him with your mom? Call her out on how she pulled out her wallet, and he's not a mind reader. That you don't appreciate her talking badly about him.

 

Dude, she should not have to stand up to her Mom about her BF. That is ALWAYS a losing proposition. The BF should be considerate and aware enough to never put their SO in such a position (where they have to go against their mom). And after such an aweful first impression she would have ZERO credibility.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her mom pulling out her wallet. Her expectation that her daughter's BF would pay is not only reasonable, but should be expected.

 

I'm sorry, but the BF should man up instead of being such a boob. I also don't get why so many people are busting the OP's balls over this. If a girl really means something to you, you pay for her and her mom's lunch FFS.

[Shining One]

Well, his parents didn't teach him anything, did they? You should have elbowed him in the ribs -- hard.

A man fails a childish test from his girlfriend's mom, so the proper response is violence? Does this mean I should backhand my girlfriend next time she fails to fold my laundry? There are better ways to handle these issues.

He said he thought he was inviting? He was feeding you crap. He just did not want to pay (and yes, I am aware he pays all the time when the two of you are out together). If he really wanted to pay he would have taken initiative. His mistake was not innocent, it was calculated.

There is insufficient information from the OP to come to this conclusion. She would need to post polygraph results.

Not exactly a savory sight btw; a grown man with his GF and GF's mom waiting for the mom to pull out her wallet to pay for the lunch while he is standing next to her.

The vague description provided in the original post does not indicate how much time went by. Did the mom wait five seconds before pulling her wallet or was there an awkward thirty seconds before anything happened?

Frankly, even if your mom makes more moneythan him, he should have paid.

Why? I've met family of girlfriends before and they usually insist on paying or splitting. When I met my current girlfriend's sister, she insisted on paying. Of course, she gets to expense her lunch, so that's a bit different.

I also have no problem with your mom pulling out your wallet expecting him to stop her. He failed the gentlemen test in her eyes and she won't be laughing at this down the road.

Why does her mother need to test her boyfriend. Why pull these childish tests at all? If someone is or is not a gentleman, it will show through normal actions.

[S_A]

If you can't pay for a lunch, you should not be dating. It's not like dating is a right. Sorry.

 

I also agree with the mom pulling out her wallet as opposed to turning to the BF to ask if he is paying. It's not a game. If the mom waited three seconds before the BF even started to think to get his wallet, then he waited too long.

 

If you're taking a girl out, and you're hope is that a real relationship will come of it, then is it not worth it, as a man, to fork out a few extra bucks to pay for your date's Tab?

 

I totally get it. It's 2015 and women earn more now and are more empowered. And it's not like I'm ancient (I'm 31). But c'mon guys, pay for your dates. If you don't, don't get butthurt if she does't give you a second date.

 

A guy that won't pay for your tab is effectively saying you're not woth it. This is also how the mom sees it. She does not care that she had to pay because it broke the bank. She does not give a flip about that. It's about the BF being so absent-minded and cheap when meeting the mom for the first time. It actually sounds worse the more I think about it.

Edited July 1, 2015 by S_A

[joseb]

The BF should have paid. He has no onligation to pay, of course, but it still looks really bad. He screwed up big time IMO. He embarrassed you and ruined your mom's first impression of him.

 

The first time I met my GFs parents, I paid for the dinner. Turned out they were really angered by this as they felt that me paying showed I didn't respect them. There are no rules, only cultural norms and what people learn from their experiences. Luckily she explained to them I was just trying to be nice, and I'd know better next time and give them the chance to pay.

[mightycpa]

Luckily, it was the cashier who took your mom's money, and not the Maitre d'...

 

Here's what I read:

 

I don't usually present the person I'm dating to my mom until many many months into it, but since he presented me to his whole family within the first month and they were all so nice and welcoming, I felt the pressure to reciprocate. My stepdad is super strict and doesn't let me bring anyone home to meet the family unless it's something serious, close to engagement or marriage. (I KNOW!! *rolls eyes*). My mom, however, is much cooler and was willing to meet my new bf of whom I've spoken so well. Especially since I told her he had been asking when is he meeting my mom and family, I was starting to feel like I was hiding them or something, so I really wanted him to meet my mom, and my mom heard he really wanted to meet her. So we all agreed that we'd meet her on a weekeday, during her lunch, close to work.

Sounds like you set it up. You should have paid.

[S_A]

The first time I met my GFs parents, I paid for the dinner. Turned out they were really angered by this as they felt that me paying showed I didn't respect them. There are no rules, only cultural norms and what people learn from their experiences. Luckily she explained to them I was just trying to be nice, and I'd know better next time and give them the chance to pay.

 

BF still should have paid, because at the least, he "invited". And in your case it likely upset the dad more than anything. Mom just goes along with it at that point. I've been in that situation but I was able to feel that I needed to back off and not pay. When the dad is there, you maybe shouldn't pay. With your GF and her mom? You just pay.

[EgoJoe]

A gracious gesture that came laced with an ulterior motive did not satisfy an expectation.

[Leigh 87]

This isn't a date.

 

Why is he obligated to pay with your mom present?

 

Some people are brought up differently. I've travelled to nearly every continent and let me tell you, MANY men are raised to pay for the woman. Even the biggest player I dated who was Irish and not commitment orientated paid for ALL our dates. Heck, if he walked out of the 7/11 and I decided I wanted some mints he'd run straight back in and buy them for me!

 

A lot of men I've spoken to also voiced that they found it pathetic when men take a woman out and don't offer to pay ; although most men WANT a woman who offers to foot the bill on the occasion, MANY men are just brought up to be the one to pay for dates!

 

My parents thought less of my ex for coming out to lunch and not even offering to pay.

 

My male friends thought it was a joke too- they ALL pay for their girlfriends parents unless the parents INSIST that it's their treat!!

 

Moreover, most women can find a guy who will treat them. I don't put up with men who go halves or ask me to pay. I can just get a guy who WANTS to treat me and my mum lol. Options count. If you have the option of dating a person who treats you to meals out, why would you settle for a tight ass 50/50 let's go Dutch guy?

 

I actually insist on paying every third date. But I personally think it looks bad when a guy doesn't pay or at least OFFER.

 

Women need to shave their legs and do thing start portray them in a positive light.

Men paying is ingrained as " men being providers " and most women will always be a little taken aback and dissapointed when the man doesn't offer to pay.

 

He's a man. He should have treated his gf and bus gfs mum. He looked pathetic by not doing so. I he couldn't afford it he shouldn't have agree to a lunch with her and her mother until he had saved the cash.

 

I'd be sooooooo embarrassed if I were the OP!

[GravityMan]

1) Your boyfriend seems very inexperienced with dating/relationships...hell, he seems clueless with basic SOCIAL ETIQUETTE in general. He strikes me as the kind of guy that would never buy his buddy a drink, or would forget to give his mom/dad a gift (or at least call them) on their birthday, or the type of guy who never leaves a tip for the waiter, or the guy who does or says something ill-advised during a business meeting with his boss and some prospective clients. I could be wrong, but nevertheless that's the impression I get of him. Combine that with the fact that he's 30-31...not a good sign for him. Especially taking into account that a 30 year old may be (at least to some extent) set in his ways. This goes beyond not being a gentleman...this delves directly into selfishness and immaturity. To put it bluntly...barring extreme cultural oddities, a 30 year old that has had ANY semblance of a "normal" life should know better. It is that simple. Doesn't matter if he's an old-school gentleman, a new-school dude, or whatever.

 

2) He is not obligated to pay, but anyone who drives down that road of thought is missing the point. It's also not about whether he's "supposed to / not supposed to" pay...that has no relevance whatsoever in this discussion. Your boyfriend is free to do almost whatever he wants, and you're free to take umbrage with him if he does something you disapprove of. It's also not about trying to "impress" you, either...any guy who goes into "performance mode" with grandiose gestures trying to impress a woman is (a) trying too hard and (b) being a poser. It's simply about genuine graciousness, and making a good impression of himself. If he truly cared about you, then that would naturally extend to him wanting to make a good impression in front of your friends and family. He would take initiative and pay (or at least OFFER to pay)...without a second thought. And he wouldn't make a big deal out of it, either...he would just DO it, with a genuine personable and happy demeanor. This isn't rocket science...any decent human being would do this, including a good guy with a below-average. Most good people want to do nice things and gestures for those that they like, without expecting anything in return.

 

3) While I wonder how much he cares about you, I do think he deserves a second chance. BUT, the fact that this is bothering you so much doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship with this guy. Dwelling on such things emotionally has a tendency to cast a dark cloud over things, and it may not dissipate easily. (That said, I do think you're making a bit too big a deal out of this. He erred in his decision, but I don't think it's a critical mistake.)

[S_A]

GF and I went to one of our fave restaurants after valentine's day this year and the female bartenders were saying how sad it was to see women split the bill with their dates on Valentine's Day. Totally pathetic. And you feel bad for the women that don't know they are worth enough to have the guy pick up their portion of the bill.

 

If you're a woman and a guy says to split the bill, do it. Split it and make no fuss. Think of it as a victory. You'd know that the guy is a scrub right off the bat and that you won't have to waste any more time by going out on more dates with him to find out if he is relationship material (assuming that's what you want) or not. Though when I think about it, if it's just sex you're after, the guy should still be paying anyway.

[Timshel]

 

My bf and I have been dating for 2 months. We have hit it off great right away, so things have moved rather quickly. I don't usually present the person I'm dating to my mom until many many months into it, but since he presented me to his whole family within the first month and they were all so nice and welcoming, I felt the pressure to reciprocate. My stepdad is super strict and doesn't let me bring anyone home to meet the family unless it's something serious, close to engagement or marriage. (I KNOW!! *rolls eyes*). My mom, however, is much cooler and was willing to meet my new bf of whom I've spoken so well. Especially since I told her he had been asking when is he meeting my mom and family, I was starting to feel like I was hiding them or something, so I really wanted him to meet my mom, and my mom heard he really wanted to meet her. So we all agreed that we'd meet her on a weekeday, during her lunch, close to work.

 

So we did, we ordered the food... the cashier was waiting for payment... my bf wouldn't move... my mom took out her wallet... and he let her pay. And as she was paying, that's when he whispered to me, "I thought I was inviting...." Um... then why didn't he stop her? We're 30 and 31, and that made me feel like a kid, having my mom pay for me and my little boyfriend. I wasn't expecting that from him. He always treats me and is a gentleman, and on the first time meeting my mom-- first time I ever make the exception to present someone so early... and this happens. It was the first time he meets her and he let her pay. As if my embarrassment weren't enough, my mom was pretty upset afterward, she told me she got a really bad impression, that she can't believe she paid for my boyfriend, etc. I was very confused by his reaction, I honestly thought he would pay, but he did say, "I'll get it next time."

 

It wouldn't have been so bad in a different context but 1) it was his first time meeting her, 2) he had been bugging about meeting her for a while now, and 3) I spoke wonders about him and his gentlemanly ways to my mom, so that made me feel like an idiot kid who's dating a boy my mom had to pay for.

 

What do you guys think?

 

Ruh Roh.

 

Allow him to make it up by taking your parents together with you for dinner. Let him know a restaurant that your parents enjoy, make arrangements for reservation and payment in advance.

[amaysngrace]

So did you pay your mom back since you were so humiliated?