Lois_Griffin Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 According to the OP, it was her boyfriend that was pushing to meet her parents, not the other way around. Mom agreed to meet them for lunch during her LUNCH HOUR from work. That means mom didn't have all afternoon to sit there waiting for OP or her boyfriend to pick up the bill and had to pick it up herself if she wanted to get back to work on time. It doesn't mean she wanted to or she should have. I think it was in highly poor taste that a 30+ year old man sat there on his hands like a teenage kid and let this woman pay the bill for all of them. Since he couldn't man up, it would have been good if the OP had paid the bill. It's downright embarrassing that the mother had to pay for two grown adults when it wasn't even her idea to meet them for lunch in the first place. Tacky as hell. All this nonsense about whether the OP cooks and vacuums and everything else had nothing to do with that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 IMO whoever initiated the meeting should have paid. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MonorailCat Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 If I were the boyfriend I would seriously rethink the relationship. Not interested in a relationship where a simple misunderstanding leads to that amount of drama. All this talk about embarassment and shame .. ridiculous. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) According to the OP, it was her boyfriend that was pushing to meet her parents, not the other way around. Mom agreed to meet them for lunch during her LUNCH HOUR from work. That means mom didn't have all afternoon to sit there waiting for OP or her boyfriend to pick up the bill and had to pick it up herself if she wanted to get back to work on time. It doesn't mean she wanted to or she should have. I think it was in highly poor taste that a 30+ year old man sat there on his hands like a teenage kid and let this woman pay the bill for all of them. Since he couldn't man up, it would have been good if the OP had paid the bill. It's downright embarrassing that the mother had to pay for two grown adults when it wasn't even her idea to meet them for lunch in the first place. Tacky as hell. All this nonsense about whether the OP cooks and vacuums and everything else had nothing to do with that. Lois, I take no issue with your opinion, but the way the lunch came about was not exactly how you described it. It was not the "boyfriend's" idea. Did he want to meet her mom yes, but it was actually the OP's idea for him to meet her, and they ALL agreed together to meet for lunch during her mom's lunch hour. The OP wrote in her original post.: >>"I was really starting to feel like I was hiding them [her parents] or something, so I really wanted him to meet my mom, and my mom heard he really wanted to meet her. **So we ALL agreed that we'd meet her on a weekday, during her lunch."**<< It was a collective idea to meet for lunch, and so no one was actually *obligated* to pay IMO. Would offering to pay have been the gracious thing for boyfriend to do....sure, but I have heard of situations where the mom or dad would pay in a situation like that, when meeting their daughter's boyfriend for the first time. I think this whole thing has gotten blown way out of proportion. I don't believe her boyfriend intentionally did not pay, because he's a tightass or anything of the sort. He saw her mom take out her wallet, and assumed that meant the mom **wanted** to pay.....nothing more, nothing less. The OP has admitted that if her mom had been OKAY with paying, this would not even bother her....and the only reason it bothered her was because her mom was so disappointed.... and as such, giving her crap about it. Leading me to conclude she needs to resolve issues between her and her mom, and leave the boyfriend out of it. Edited July 1, 2015 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 My bf and I have been dating for 2 months. We have hit it off great right away, so things have moved rather quickly. I don't usually present the person I'm dating to my mom until many many months into it, but since he presented me to his whole family within the first month and they were all so nice and welcoming, I felt the pressure to reciprocate. My stepdad is super strict and doesn't let me bring anyone home to meet the family unless it's something serious, close to engagement or marriage. (I KNOW!! *rolls eyes*). My mom, however, is much cooler and was willing to meet my new bf of whom I've spoken so well. Especially since I told her he had been asking when is he meeting my mom and family, I was starting to feel like I was hiding them or something, so I really wanted him to meet my mom, and my mom heard he really wanted to meet her. So we all agreed that we'd meet her on a weekeday, during her lunch, close to work. So we did, we ordered the food... the cashier was waiting for payment... my bf wouldn't move... my mom took out her wallet... and he let her pay. And as she was paying, that's when he whispered to me, "I thought I was inviting...." Um... then why didn't he stop her? We're 30 and 31, and that made me feel like a kid, having my mom pay for me and my little boyfriend. I wasn't expecting that from him. He always treats me and is a gentleman, and on the first time meeting my mom-- first time I ever make the exception to present someone so early... and this happens. It was the first time he meets her and he let her pay. As if my embarrassment weren't enough, my mom was pretty upset afterward, she told me she got a really bad impression, that she can't believe she paid for my boyfriend, etc. I was very confused by his reaction, I honestly thought he would pay, but he did say, "I'll get it next time." It wouldn't have been so bad in a different context but 1) it was his first time meeting her, 2) he had been bugging about meeting her for a while now, and 3) I spoke wonders about him and his gentlemanly ways to my mom, so that made me feel like an idiot kid who's dating a boy my mom had to pay for. What do you guys think? This was a big deal for him to meet your mother and I"m sure very awkward for him. And, to tell you the truth, the first time my daughter and her boyfriend and I went to dinner together, I paid. They are near 30 years old. They are still "my kids" and I want them to be happy and I want to do nice things for them. Let it go. If you're mom was ok with it, why shouldn't you be. She wanted to do it, I bet. Don't focus on dinner tabs. Focus on how he treats you in general, how he makes you feel, etc. If he's not a skin flint usually and doesn't show you that in the future, leave it alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) Personally I think she is blowing this up more than its worth given he does treat her the majority of other occasions. I'm sure there be another time he can make up for it, unless the mom is now going keep shaming him to put the mozz on him and her daughter staying together. Edited July 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I live alone, so I do. When I marry, the amount of work I do at home will be proportionate to the amount of hours I'm forced to work outside the home. If I land a guy who can earn for both of us, I'd be happy to stay home and keep house! If I fall for someone whose income is not enough for both, I'd be happy to go out and work, but then the housework would also have to be divided. I'm flexible and willing to accept that. NOT a broke guy who stays home to keep house while I work. 'Forced to work outside the home'? You make it sound like by default you expect to be a kept woman, but will work if you have to. With that kind of attitude no wonder this stuff is such a huge deal, wow! I don't see why this bill thing is a huge deal, I guess it all depends on the culture of where you're from though. For example my partner earns less than I do, he's climbing up a little now but back when he first met my folks he earned minimum wage, there was no way my parents were letting him grab the cheque for all four of us at dinner. When we go out with parents as far as I can tell, my Dad always expects to grab the cheque, just as his Mom grabs the cheque for all of us when we go out with her. They know we don't have the same amount of money as they do and I don't think it's ever struck either of us to try and fight them for the bill, they wouldn't allow it. In fact once, I took my folks and partner out for my Father's birthday, snuck off to pay the bill (about $180) and when he found out he was mad and insisted on giving me the cash back saying we couldn't afford it. I did insist on paying for the dinner we had to celebrate my partner's birthday with all parents in attendance, even though it was hundreds of dollars, because I was the person who invite everyone and organise it, but by that point I had a better job so my folks felt comfortable that I wasn't putting myself into debt to make a point of treating others. But on the whole, most parents want to do nice things for their kids. You seem to have very rigid ideas about how a man should always pay for the women in his company, maybe your boyfriend doesn't share those views, maybe he made a faux pas in the eyes of your family but honestly, if your Mom judges him as a new partner based on that one event she needs to take a look at herself and how damaging her fixed rules are, now you're upset feeling you can't take him around your family again and this is because of HER and your reaction, not your boyfriend's actions. You could have shrugged it off and hinted that he should bring flowers next time, or your Mom could have not played the stupid game of 'get my purse out and hope he stops me', I'm 27 and even I know that when I get my purse out it means I WANT TO PAY. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I am confused. You say you are 30 but your stepdad is 'super strict' and 'doesn't let you bring your bf home'? How does that even happen? Are you and your bf really the age you say you are? That being said, I think it would have been nice for him to offer to pay but it's not a big deal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 He's clueless or really didn't want to pay & was hoping for an out. In most places when you order at a counter with a cashier & cash register, they expect payment after your order. Usually when I order food, I have my wallet ready. Most people learn that routine at a young age. Was your bf's head in the clouds looking at his phone or was making out with you while your mom was ordering for everyone? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 It's not about what my mom thinks... it's about how it made me feel. I felt embarrassed. I know he was probably just slow about it. But my mom kept texting me that she can't believe she treated my boyfriend, that he should've been trying to impress her not the opposite, etc. I didn't think it was as bad as she made it seem, but I was still embarrassed because it made me seem like I was dating a broke guy. It's just so sexy when a guy pays for it all. More than likely, it was because of the embarrassment she will feel when she has to listen to your step dad when she gets home and he asks her how it went... and he's going to tell her "I told you so"-that his course of action should have been the course she took--wait until they're asking for your hand before meeting them. Although it's now hindsight, he may be the kind of person you need to get straight on who's paying before you two step out of the house together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 He saw her mom take out her wallet, and assumed that meant the mom **wanted** to pay.....nothing more, nothing less.. that action is usually followed by "no, let me take care of this for you two.. my treat". The mom waited, he wasn't forthcoming with the wallet and instead of being embarrassed in the restaurant by having an "aren't you paying of this?" conversation, she--being that she was on a time constraint--took out her wallet and paid. I do not get anywhere that she wanted to pay. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm an independent lady that has no qualms about paying the bill/ pay equal share BUT I do like a man to be a man when it comes to situations like this. To me a generous man shows, strength and masculinity.....shows women him wanting to be a good provider.....am I right ladies? I'm/we are not expecting him to be a millionaire, it's the gesture not the dollar value we are talking about here. So I'm with you OP, your BF's performance failed. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm an independent lady that has no qualms about paying the bill/ pay equal share BUT I do like a man to be a man when it comes to situations like this. To me a generous man shows, strength and masculinity.....shows women him wanting to be a good provider.....am I right ladies? I'm/we are not expecting him to be a millionaire, it's the gesture not the dollar value we are talking about here. So I'm with you OP, your BF's performance failed. She's been dating him for a couple of months. She has a clue about whether he's going to be a good provider and, if he's been paying for all of or most dates with her, he's demonstrated enough. This was awkward, that's all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) She's been dating him for a couple of months. She has a clue about whether he's going to be a good provider and, if he's been paying for all of or most dates with her, he's demonstrated enough. This was awkward, that's all. Manners, he didn't show manners! And so what if he paid for dates.....he didn't pay this time when it was crucial. I would be ashamed if my husband did that......25 years later my husband always steps up and pays when we go out with my mom. AND he does the same thing with his parents.He still wants to show he is a good provider.....he being a man. Edited July 1, 2015 by smackie9 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) that action is usually followed by "no, let me take care of this for you two.. my treat". The mom waited, he wasn't forthcoming with the wallet and instead of being embarrassed in the restaurant by having an "aren't you paying of this?" conversation, she--being that she was on a time constraint--took out her wallet and paid. **I do not get anywhere that she wanted to pay.** Oh I agree she definitely did NOT want to pay.....I think that much has been established.... I was only suggesting that because she took out her wallet, HE *assumed that meant* she wanted to pay.....which is a natural assumption. Some moms or dads would have wanted to pay...Redhead said in her post that she has paid.... and was happy to do so. Would it have been gracious if he told her to put away her wallet? Yes! But it all probably happened very fast, and he was not quite sure how to react, so the mom just ended up paying....and is now bitching about it, which I think is wrong. Edited July 1, 2015 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm kinda wondering if the OP has some other "misgivings" about him that's causing her to focus on little negatives now instead of looking at the bigger picture and weighing whether there are more positives than negatives at this point. If there are other negatives and they seem to be piling up, then I can understand her starting to be "picky". However, if her mom is harping on this, she's stepping back a little because of that. If she's going to be influenced by her mom often, there's gonna be trouble. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm kinda wondering if the OP has some other "misgivings" about him that's causing her to focus on little negatives now instead of looking at the bigger picture and weighing whether there are more positives than negatives at this point. If there are other negatives and they seem to be piling up, then I can understand her starting to be "picky". However, if her mom is harping on this, she's stepping back a little because of that. If she's going to be influenced by her mom often, there's gonna be trouble. I'm a guy and I am telling you that he blew it. You only get one first impression and he whiffed completely. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 This was a big deal for him to meet your mother and I"m sure very awkward for him. And, to tell you the truth, the first time my daughter and her boyfriend and I went to dinner together, I paid. They are near 30 years old. They are still "my kids" and I want them to be happy and I want to do nice things for them. My mom does this, too. She lives in Oregon, but when she comes to visit and meets my friends, she happily pays because for her it's a treat to meet the people I'm always telling her about. A lot of my friends are friends with her on Facebook, etc. When she met my BF, she looked a bit surprised at the end of the meal when he reached over and grabbed the check. I think she was honestly expecting to pay because that's what she always does. She didn't mind, of course. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm a guy and I am telling you that he blew it. You only get one first impression and he whiffed completely. If her mom's approval is based solely on him.paying, then this relationship is already doomed, because this guy clearly can't afford such a high cost person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm a guy and I am telling you that he blew it. You only get one first impression and he whiffed completely. Ok, hypothetically, you and I have been dating for a couple of months, initiating, paying for everything, treat me very well and things are going good. You stumble a little at an awkward point and I dump you because my mom is all pissy over it. Is that fair to you? And, if I did dump you, wouldn't you kinda be relieved that you dodged a bullet because you'd be trying to have a relationship with someone who can't make decisions for herself and not still being influenced by her Mom? They both need to get over this particular, blip, until it becomes clear that it isn't a blip. If they go out again, he definitely needs to be all over that bill. In fact, I'd recommend another lunch or dinner in say a month so that he can do that. Or, he could send her some flowers with a note thanking the mom for the nice time and the meal. Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm a guy and I am telling you that he blew it. You only get one first impression and he whiffed completely. I'm not so sure I agree with you on this, from one guy to another. I too got the sense that the BF was invited, therefore shouldn't have paid. Offered to - yes. But paid, no. I think it all depends on the parents. The GF/OP should have given a heads up and not assumed he was going to pay, like he does with everything else (which imo, is not fair at all. She should also pay for stuff too. Being sexy has nothing to do with it. Frankly that comment sounded a little stuck up and sort of like a gold-digger). I've been in that scenario but usually know the girl well enough to understand if my offering to pay after the mom pulls out her card will be seen as offensive or not. As mentioned before, many adults pride themselves. Its OPs bf, and it sounded like the mom invited both of them out to lunch...mom should have paid. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 It's another on of those no win situations as a guy that was caused by lack of communication. She didn't communicate her expectations that he was supposed to pay, so when he didn', everyone was so shocked like he was supposed to know the bill was on him. No one said anything, they both just assumed that since he was the one with a penis, he would be paying. It's kind of sexist to be Honest. I'm okay with the man pays on the first date rule but this isn't a date. He isn't dating your mom. If you wanted him to pay, you should have told him. Instead you set him up for failure and then became surprised when he couldn't read your mind. Men aren't psychic. And we certainly don't deserve the blame for failing to do something that you never communicated that you wanted. Next time you expect a certain behavior, make your requirements known, and don't expect your mate to be psychic. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) There's no way my mom or dad would ever expect a boyfriend of mine to pay their way upon a first meeting. Usually on gatherings the elders pay for the younger as they're more established. Unless its a 1v1 situation like how I got my dad lunch last week because hes done it so many times in the past. It would be a pleasant surprise for my parents but never expected, they would usually treat or everyone pays for themselves. Maybe later on down the road when hes part of the family yes he would be expected to have his turn but not on a first meeting. Or a boyfriend would pay for me but id never expect him to also have to pay for my family that is bs guys don't poop cash. Edited July 1, 2015 by Omei 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 OP...if you are still reading this.....a good way for your boyfriend to redeem himself in your mom's eyes, so you will feel comfortable bringing him around is this: Have him call a florist, have them deliver a big beautiful arrangement of flowers, with a note from your bf..... "Thank you for lunch.....it was lovely meeting you. Let's do it again soon, definitely my treat next time." Regards, Name DONE. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I don't think her bf needs to redeem himself at all never mind sending someones mom he barely knows flowers :-/ If her mom really expects new boyfriends to pay for her and her daughter thats her problem not his he said "next time" thats plenty enough. Link to post Share on other sites
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